Do we need to forgive abusers? || Living with C-PTSD & Mental Health issues

[@katherinemarshall3255]

Yes we need to forgive them. We also need to protect ourselves. We are responsible for our actions not theirs. We need to handle situations correctly or just get away from it.

[@simblethings]

Well I'm still questioning whether we need to. Because sometimes protecting yourself is in opposition to forgiving the abuser.

[@smoozerish]

Thanks, I agree totally. Process and move on and don't look back. Forgiveness is just a buzzword that society has become enamored with from tv and movies. Save your forgiveness for yourself.

[@simblethings]

Exactly right 💜💜💜

[@josyposy1626]

This one really got me thinking! My immediate reaction was to think; yes, it's better to forgive for your own peace of mind so you can move on. But I've never quite known how ppl do it! I think I would find it hard to say that word out loud! But I've heard about the parents of murder victims who say they have forgiven their attacker and feel better for it. I think it kind of depends on your interpretation on the word forgiveness, I don't think it means that what they did was ok. They are still responsibile for their actions. In my mind it means you're not going to eat yourself up seeking vengance or being full of bile and anger - but I think that's also what you were saying towards the end. I know it's different in every case, and it kind of depends on the abuser's intent - ie did they knowingly cause harm or did they have their own anger issues for example, and did they feel remorse. I hardly dare say it, but I think it can also help us to kind of feel sorry for them for being such bitter twisted ppl that could harm another. They can't feel much peace inside themselves and they probably don't have very deep satisfying relationships. I mostly feel sorry for them, but also sorry for their victims. It's just sad all round. They were probably also traumatised as children...but I like to think, with our knowledge and insight, the cycle can stop with us 🙂 peace🕊

[@simblethings]

Even if an abuser feels remorse it doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything because it happened and all the remorse in the world doesn't change what happens for the victim. Not eating yourself up, and forgiving the person who abused you are completely different. I don't see any reason why you need to forgive to heal. Regardless of whatever reason the abuser may have.

[@josyposy1626]

@@simblethings I do see what you're saying, that it doesn't change anything. The damage is still done. But I thought for some ppl maybe if they saw the person truly felt remorse for their actions and had admitted what they did was wrong and changed fir the better if might be easier for them to forgive. I think in my case, because it was caused by an overly controlling, strict parent who was always right and only ever saw the world from her point of view, and always saw things in terms of right or wrong, black or white, with no shades of grey. I kind of feel I have to strive to be better than that, so I always look to understand ppl (maybe too much). I just can't bear to be as strict with people as she was with me, as she did so much damage to me thru being like that, so I naturally shy away from being anything like her! I don't think you actually need to forgive to move on. It is more the not letting it eat you up that is the main thing. I guess I had just heard so many stories of ppl forgiving terrible abusers that I kind of presumed they must be right cos they'd been thru worse than me and sounded very convinced that they needed to do it. Maybe it depends on our individual personalities and histories. Do you know why it makes you feel so strongly? Is it anything to do with having a catholic education forced on you do you think? (I hope I'm not offending or annoying you..)

[@simblethings]

I feel strongly about it because it keeps power in the hands of the abuser and with this rhetoric peddled so widely it makes people feel wrong for never wanting to forgive someone who's abused them. When you're speaking for those who have been abused them it's from their point of view and it's what they need to move on. Not linking their healing to the person that's abused them.

[@josyposy1626]

@@simblethings I was shocked when you said it's giving the abusers power, Candice Mama said the exact opposite! Here she talks about her book "Forgiveness Redefined" www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p0842npq Psychologists say that when we say ppl "make" us feel a certain way - that's when we're giving our power away! I'm struggling with this at the moment. Automatic thoughts etc but like you say, we can change day by day, little by little, it all adds up 😊

[@simblethings]

"Psychologists say that when we say ppl "make" us feel a certain way - that's when we're giving our power away!" Are people who have been abused feeling like that because of the person, or because of what happened? My POV is that the abuser isn't a part of your healing, whether you heal or not isn't anything to do with them. It's about you and your self. Psychologists can say whatever they like, I don't really care for many things they say because it's all in relation to the status quo, and the status quo of this world is a Racist, Patriarchal Capitalist society. People feel a way towards abusers because of the events that they perpetrated, healing isn't dependent on them, it is your journey and your choice about whether you give af about them. But the idea that your healing is incomplete without forgiveness to the cause of your abuse is nonsense IMO. You don't need to care about them, they don't matter.