How to BE TACTICAL with the narcissist

[@reneelibby4885]

Radically accept that they won't change.

[@sunbeam9222]

Snake is snake. There are those who can spot the snake from a mile from the get go and change direction, those who look at a snake and yet see a butterfly, those who see a snake but decide they're gonna pet the snake and it should transform into a butterfly. Meanwhile the snake was just a snake. The only difference seems to be our internal guidance and how we react to it.

[@LikeHae-wp5bj]

yes. and that love does not come in the form of a suicide bomber. the light heartedness of their victims, of us, is weaponized by them. Our inability at first, and for many years if we aren't getting helpful counseling, to see them as dangerous individuals is.....

[@LikeHae-wp5bj]

...there's a stray cat that comes by my patio off my office I wished I had the money to take it to the vet and get it a home, I want a different breed than it. But now I look at the cat like "What if it wants narcissistic supply and is going to terrorize my life because I was stupid enough to be kind to it."

[@erinward2983]

@@SaddleRockManitou I had to for my safety for awhile. I had to learn not to beat myself up for it.

[@LikeHae-wp5bj]

lol a reprieve from my ill-fated future @@SaddleRockManitou

[@rypoelk997]

Since becoming "Narcissism Aware" I've had to become tactical seven days a week. There's just too many of them out there. They're everywhere. Unavoidable.

[@matikramer9648]

Unfortunately Around each and every corner But we are many too, so stay positive Best of lucks

[@Justanothercog24]

They're not really "everywhere". Full blown narcissists are very rare & their entire nature is centered around seeming normal, hiding their nature & going undetected as much as possible. You have to keep in mind of something called "confirmation bias" plus the huge difference between a couple traits vs the consistent patterns of extreme behavior. Everyone has one or 2 red flag traits that display from time to time because narcissism exists on a spectrum. Narcs take those basic behaviors & multiply it by at least 10. Confirmation bias is a subconscious operation of the mind when what you think of/ learn, the brain automatically begins to look for ways to apply the new info. Much like the way an internet/ social media algorithm works in that if you click on something, you get more of that topic in your feed. So when ppl learn the basic list of traits, your brain is now primed to look for them. Since everyone has one or 2 narc traits, you ARE going to see them. But true narcissists exhibit consistent patterns of specific clumps of behaviors, most of which you will not spot right away because they hide many parts of themselves from those outside of their closest circle. There's also the fact that some traits do overlap with many other disorders & mental hiccups. PTSD, anxiety, autism spectrum, ADD/ ADHD, bipolar, anxious & avoidant attachments styles, abandonment fears, just to name a few. For example, one may show a sensitivity to criticism not because they're a narcissist, but because a specific phrasing used was closely related to emotional abuse they endured as a child. Normal ppl will have a reaction to poorly worded criticism, but narcs take it an extreme of immediate raging or petty revenge. Someone with anxious attachment style, basic anxiety or even immaturity may love-bomb but because they're overcompensating for fear of rejection rather than having malicious intent. So one behavior you note as a "narcissistic red flag" could be something else entirely that has no malicious intent attached. I'm saying all this as someone who was involved with an NPD person for 15 yrs. Someone who even admitted to faking his whole personality for the first 5 yrs to keep me interested. It was another 5 before I found out what he was & another 5 for him to unravel in a way I didn't expect. I went through the whole "omg they're everywhere" at first too when I delved into really understanding it. It led me to distancing myself out of fear from a lot of ppl who aren't actual narcissists & actively prevented me from making social connections for during my healing. You have to go deeper to look for patterns & extreme displays of traits instead of tossing about the label unfairly which is incredibly common these days. Hell, I've even been mislabeled as a narc for building my confidence back up or honoring my boundaries. Being demonized for healing by ppl who don't know better fking sucks. Even trained psychs have to spend months to even yrs sorting through specific patterns of thought & behavior to nail down an accurate diagnosis. The average person isn't trained to do that. Narc awareness is good, but not when taken to the extremes like society has done in recent yrs to the point where we're all walking on eggshells.

[@dreamscape405]

Agreed. However, I really think there's going to be more of an intolerance for their behavior increasing, because of video's like this, and an increase of knowledge about them, and their highly toxic behavior. They're like roaches...yeah, they're everywhere, but become the repellent, and if enough of us say no to them, they lose their power, and move away.

[@Liz-wz8dh]

There really are. I wish we hadn't been gaslighted by the mental health profession to believe narcissism was rare. It really is not. I've met a few of them just in a few years.

[@erinward2983]

Agreed. Like you said, once you know, you see them everywhere. Because they are. And it’s important to stay away and deal with them on a “who they are” basis. It steals our freedom to be who we are, but worth it to protect ourselves from harm. It’s a sad but true reality.

[@JeniferJ.Johnson]

After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!

[@enrique-villa]

I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??

[@JeniferJ.Johnson]

Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Claudia Vecchi Nese .

[@JeniferJ.Johnson]

She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸

[@JeniferJ.Johnson]

After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.

[@LucieudaChiodi]

God is more than enough for us, and his mercy is new every morning. Hallelujah🎉🎉🎉♥️

[@theyellowshoe]

This is the exact reason I treat my narcissist husband as a roommate!

[@shoyuramenoff]

I hope one day you can afford to leave him if you can't right now.

[@jindih]

Same! Can’t afford (financially) to leave him :-(

[@han1nja]

👏 hahhahaha roomate!! that’s probably the best thing you could do, as long as they’re not abusive towards you…

[@mvoyage7282]

I was living with my narc husband as a roommate for 4 years & that's the loneliest time of my life. Now that he's gone & I'm living alone & I feel so alive & happy. Pls find a way out if you are living with a narc. We really don't need roommates who devalue us everyday!

[@nostoppingit7243]

That is where I am now in my relationship. Recently realized he is a narcissist and I shouldn't hold out hope that he will change so he's now just a roommate. Still trying to come to terms with all the years wasted believing things could get better.

[@csfiskus610]

I always felt sick to my stomach whenever I had to interact with a narcissist. When you need to approach them for a favor, you have to present it as a solution and concisely explain what's in it for them to help you and how you intend to repay them. This is how I was told to ask for help. Mind you, they are completely tactless when they ask.....or demand favors from you as if you always owe them something. And they are almost never grateful

[@ENR400]

Yes.. they’re too much work!! Too exhausting.

[@Nothingbutlovehere369]

Yes. Exhausting.

[@biondna7984]

I could never do enough for the narc I was married to for 24 years. 18 years after the divorce, and regardless of what my lawyer told him he'd discovered he'd unilaterally, covertly done with our money, he STILL thinks I owe him. They're batshit. Total no contact from here on out.

[@greenhornet5186]

I learned the hard way to be tactical i.e., "transactional" with the narcs and psychopaths in my family. They are strictly utilitarian and mercantile in their approach to me; when I finally figured that out, I play my cards very carefully with them. It's the only way to get what I need from them, and sometimes I just need to walk away.

[@erinward2983]

Exactly. Me too.

[@M_SC]

Perfect

[@marilynfranz7381]

Be wise as a serpent but harmless as a dove

[@M_SC]

That’s an interesting saying because snakes are very stupid, biologically. Idk much about doves but they probably are too, but slightly less than a reptile.

[@nilasun]

​@M_SC I think the comparison is between the snake and dove. Snake is more wiser than Dove and Dove is more harmless than Snake.

[@CaptBlackCamaro]

Its from the Gospel of Matthew, thr serpent is in refrrence to Satan.​@M_SC

[@marilynfranz7381]

@@CaptBlackCamaro yes these lessons help to survive but the gospel helped me overcome. A revelation of the 2 trees in the begining . fake fruit verses real fruit.(1 tree has confidence 1 tree pride 1 love 1 lyst 1 humble 1 insecure 1 guilt 1 repentance ita obvious which tree is narcissistic satan and which tree is Yeshua jesua

[@randy_cbc8811]

@@M_SC You're missing the biblical message entirely. Could not be more 'blind', sad to say.

[@NarcSurvivor]

1. Set strong boundaries 2. Get a restraining order 3. Establish or maintain an existing support network

[@avanellehansen4525]

Get out and stay out! Don't look back.

[@SimplyTC]

After a lifetime of abuse (I'm 54), I had to go no contact. I can't do it another day, not another second. It's time I take my life back and begin my healing process. And I am just beginning to realize that there are others; those who understand what I've gone through, and am going through. For this I am grateful. Although I need more help. I need a therapist like you Dr. Ramani, one who understands...

[@monikagin]

I understand.. It is so hard to trust anyone after those years..

[@maevebutler4641]

@simplyTC DrRamini always suggests a trauma focused therapist I found one & the difference compared to previous therapists I had attempted to access support from was ad different as night & day Wishing you all the best on your healing journey

[@monikagin]

@@SaddleRockManitou Change is inevitable, we change too! Normal humane behaviour is to walk it off with "agree to disagree" notion. But, trauma traps us with lost hope, confusion, distrust..especially with special narc bonds.

[@SimplyTC]

@@maevebutler4641 Thank you...

[@Ryno814]

Buddy, we ALL understand. Im 42. Been at this since I was 17. The days before youtube or videos, NOONE understood. Bout lost my mind. These vids are cool but just reading the comments knowing im not the only one, is such a blessing you cant even imagine. Just facing the fact that someone youve been with so long, who you thought was your soul mate, was jjust fakin it, is a tough one to wrap around. All the effort and forgiving I put in...all for nothin. Time wasted? or lesson learned, new beginning?

[@melissarmt7330]

I hope you know how much your videos help people who are trapped and in pain. Knowing there is something to be done that helps to protect ourselves is an entire world of aid. Thank you for this, so much.

[@GiaDr9911]

Absolutely!

[@aziserak4743]

❤

[@martinsada1715]

❤

[@Lea-EttaCalzolano]

I so Miss those days when I could just be.😮‍💨

[@michellek1203]

Agreed

[@lulumoon6942]

Narcissists make it their life's purpose to be in a position of power to play games, EVERYONE needs this skill! 🙏

[@aldelgado9343]

Im always tactical towards narcisists, gotta stand your ground when the narcisist mandnes starts.

[@tlove6932]

WHY didn't WE leave sooner? Money.💵 Straight up Financial Abuse. FORCED Poverty. Money. The Dollah Bill. 💵 No money = No way to leave.©️

[@tlove6932]

I can't believe today started with being accosted right outside our apartment complex building main door! OMG! A total antagonist (young man) was waiting in the pitch dark to scare the hell out of me & be threatening to me & my Service Dog, Valerie 🐕‍🦺 (Someone's Flying Monkey?) Don't let me forget the young woman w bright red (natural) hair, at the elevator, just before it...@ 5:15 AM! I ended up on the hard cement sidewalk, my purse (a BACKPACK that was ON MY BACK!) My keys on the ground! And dude is just standing there, looking at me! No "Are you okay ma'am?" Or "I'm sorry!" NOTHING. Just mumbling under his breath! I'm 55 yr old Disabled Woman with a CANE to walk!!! OMG!!! 😭🤕🥺🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼😱😱😱 The apartment complex has cameras at all the doors, elevator, especially main doors. I'm going to ask the lady downstairs for a copy of the video! Injured AGAIN - while we are trying to relocate! Just more harassment, Coercion, threats & even INJURY from the Evil Ones! Hope your day started better than ours did. You can't make this $hit up. Nothing new under the Sun. Just more & more Antagonists/zombies walking amongst us causing harm. Wondering if it's something I should call local Law Enforcement about?🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭©️

[@Lea-EttaCalzolano]

That’s my issue for sure. My husband and his father bought a used car 🚙 with a stick (so we could HAVE a car; my husband (67 years old ) ) KNOWING I couldn’t drive it……

[@leilagomulka5690]

‘The unbearable lightness of being’ tactical . Your podcasts are so wonderful . Keep posting .

[@Enoughalready20237]

That is one of the first books that I ever read. ‘The unbearable lightness of being.’ Great book!

[@SenSakura-dj6bq]

Great book. Even the title alone is a master piece.

[@vl_looper]

You‘re not cynical, you‘re realistic. Thanks for a brilliant video and all you do for us! ❤

[@vl_looper]

Spam

[@alicegrogan8063]

I don’t think it’s too cynical. Thank you for being so honest and real.

[@privateprivate8366]

For me, needing to be tactical, feels much like the typical narcissistic thing, of being forced into a competition, whether you know it or not and against your will. Yes, I know that’s the real world. But it’s probably also the makings of a lot of introverted people, such as myself. Because, rather than to be in some never ending tactical competition, I’d rather be alone, work alone, and just be productive.

[@SarahEvans-e3g]

An app is better than a narcissistic person. It isn't rude and doesn't engage in stalking behaviours.

[@COLEONA0815]

The app. Analogy is crazy but a true way to explain the illusion they try to make you think your worth as an individual.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. I think we have ALL tried to be tactful with a Narcissist in our life to protect ourselves. I also think that's why so many question whether THEY are a narcissist because it feels like they're doing what the narcissist does; but being tactful it's SO not narcissistic behavior. And of course, once they figure out you're being tactical, they move the goal post and you have to keep readjusting this workaround. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!

[@monikagin]

Thank you for stating that people question if their tactical behaviour is narcissistic. It's not, it is just their survival mechanism.

[@Lea-EttaCalzolano]

They move the goalposts…… what a perfect way to put that!! 🌻

[@moniquejackson7741]

@@Lea-EttaCalzolano Right?! Dr. Ramani comes up with great analogies.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

When the grief passes and you see the situation realistically and you treat the narcisistic people you have to deal with tactically , get what you need and leave it really lifts a heavy weight off your shoulders! Brilliantly said dr Ramani ❤ thank you. I can totally relate. God bless you ❤

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I find it so hard not to have these normal expectations like comfort love and support from close family members like parents and siblings. Thanks for the reminder to radically accept how they are and what they can/can’t do even if it’s upsetting. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@barbarahanks-ut6zn]

Also called playing the narcissist for what you can get. Works for me.

[@janai4477]

This video deserves multiple listenings. I am forever grateful to Dr. Ramani

[@Bennydoesntknow]

Dr ramani coming in clutch like always

[@NixTheNarcissist]

Radical acceptance is a must indeed!!! 💯🙌

[@sunshineandflowers474]

What if it makes you sick to your stomach even to think about having to ask help from narcs? How can you be tactical everyday when your family is narcissistic? I was born into a family full of Narcs. I kept attracting narcs to my life ever since I started school. It's fascinating how you keep attracting people who are very similar to your family. I guess that's what conditioning do to you. Narcissists are vampires who suck the life out of you. Currently I am on a journey, paddling away from all the narcissists I have known through my entire life. Found myself a healthy masculine husband who is a compassionate human being. I have a long way ahead in my healing journey. Dr. Ramani and her beautiful community here is a great pillar of support. I am extremely grateful.

[@bittu-kd7zy]

I love that you call a narcissistic person 'app' dr.ramani 😂 that's an amazing way to look at them 😅

[@Anoppinion]

After two years of no contact with my sister, I had to talk to her a few weeks ago. Today I wanted to check that she had done what we agreed on. I kind of knew she had not.. and by me pointing it out would bring mayhem… - it did… gone on for hours….. she still have not answered my clear questions. It’s not easy , but I see this clearly now. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@pallen3684]

Dr. , you are genius.

[@BaepsaeGen]

5:49 Thank you for your videos. So helpful and healing.

[@antipsikiyatriKizi]

They rely on you having amnesia.

[@matikramer9648]

Our memory, human memory is a tricky thing We will remember, even if we forgot. It is saved in "long memory" even if it is happened only once. Especially small children. Especially children that a looking for a wisdom. And justice for themselves. And the place under the sun. I'm one of them.

[@Julie-bj9jn]

Great advice, Dr. Ramani. We cannot always position ourselves at a distance, and sometimes we still have to interact with controlling, and entitled people. Radical acceptance is key. You are so correct. Once they determine that their unreasonable demands will be met with boundaries, and their enablers become involved, I also attempt to refrain from an emotional outburst. They do seek out enablers, and when an enabler attempts to speak out at the request of an NPD, to help them acquire control, I have learned that stating; "I hardly know that person", seems to help me to refrain from the secondary conflict as well.

[@vern0123-t5j]

Wow good advice: I hardly know that person

[@kellyp4377]

This was so very insightful. Being tactical… is where I’m feeling the guilt, even though needed… I have become the mean one, the manipulative one in the relationship because I am aware of the other being narcissistic and thus me needing to be tactful. Whereas they’re not so much aware and they’re just acting their normal, but I have to take my normal acting and be tactful which transforms me in my head to feeling guilty for being tactful a negative even though it’s positive Difficult to put it into words, but I think that’s where I’m getting my guilt from and the struggle to do an act the way I need to end to be tackful Anyone else struggling with this?

[@p.w.352]

Dr. Ramani, I don't think you are being cynical, you're being realistic. In my experience with the narcissistic people in my life, your app comparison is spot on. I have learned the hard way that narcissistic people are exactly that way. My thought is that you either work with a narcissist under their direction, or you work around them, with no expectations, because they only do what they want to do, or need to do to for personal benefit. For example, if you help them plan their party and stay after to help them clean up, don't expect them to do the same for you. Be pleasantly surprised if they do, but don't let yourself be fooled that they will be there for you every time.

[@radzia1010]

So narcissit brake the most important social rule of repricotity!

[@kathyjustice1308]

So true I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not going to get that warm and cozy feeling from my husband who is a vulnerable narcissist. I’ve known this for quite some time but I think I continued to hold some hope that things could be different somehow until your book helped me recognize what was really going on. I’m almost 72 and there are many reasons leaving this marriage would be difficult at this time of my life. He doesn’t want to leave and I don’t like being alone. There are so many strange people in Florida, it could be worse ha. Thank you for all you do and the clarity you have given me.

[@kathyjustice1308]

I wish I had been able to identify a vulnerable narcissist years ago. My mother was a grandiose narcissist and she was much different. She tried to just destroy me. I had to go no contact with her about 7 yrs ago because it was just too much, which greatly impacted my relationships with other family members. She made it clear that it was her family not mine. My dad and grandmother are deceased. My brother became a flying monkey. Anyway, I wish I had Dr Ramani’s book earlier in my life because I would have made some different decisions. I think her book is going to help a lot of people.

[@hilarysimpson3725]

Narcissists cannot have relationships. We can only transact with them, like a business interaction. They are not your friends. As with a business transaction, do extensive due diligence before engagement.

[@allisonnovak500]

I hate having no choice but to interact with narcissists. I would love to shed that weight permanently. Perhaps that’s why so many of us are overweight, we can’t shed the narcissists!

[@Jess-kn8vl]

There is something to that. The cortisol fluctuations cause metabolic disorders.

[@cipheraero]

Thanks Dr. Ramani for the continuing effort in helping survivors on their journey to recovery. I’m dealing with a narcissistic mother. I want to say, out of all the things I’ve learnt from you, the one ‘conclusion’ that has saddened me the most is that the cycle of trauma and chaos caused by a narcissistic family member won’t end until they pass away. It saddens me maybe because somehow I feared this to be true (that the demise of a mother may be the redemption of the child is unthinkable in eastern culture!), also it saddens me because that means my self-assigned heroic cause of becoming the saviour to eventually ‘bring’ them back has fallen apart or will be doomed to fail no matter what. Truth leads to grief, but the many truths you have pointed out are sending me on my way to recovery. I just want you to know how much I appreciate your work. What you do makes me feel that there are people who care about others. For a long time, I’ve almost employed this anti-social lifestyle of a recluse to keep the chances of exposure to any narcissistic triggers to a bare minumum (unhealthy approach but may be what you could consider covering for another vide). Thank you for making these wonderful videos.

[@ogregirl23]

I am about to have to defend myself against one in court against false stalking claims. Fun

[@doriannemosich232]

my case I refused to validate their false petition, blame me to brag about & take credit for Mom Sisters work, my very envious Narc Brother, 22+yr no contact, his 5th lawyer his paid to create his false narrative. I was Forced 2 abandon 2nd lawyer refused to settle it. Need to pay lawyer for your exist plan, better know your exit plan first, don't expect lawyer to save you $$, that's naive.

[@ogregirl23]

@@doriannemosich232 well he made a really huge mistake by using this tactic to steal all my belongings. Lied to the judge when she said eviction court is down the hall sir you better not being using my court for that. He was Then she got him to agree to vacate the home for me to collect my stuff and for me to contact his mother who lives close enough I can't just pop by without breaking the no contact she was giving him. I discovered he had already disconnected his mother's phone that was on my plan prior to that court date. In my experience judges don't like those who lie directly to their face. Guess we will find out who this judge is

[@R.E.STARS24]

Always guard your heart.

[@thereisnoninadria]

The mistake of assuming someone is well rounded is a painful one to make every time. It throws me off and I get stuck in my anxious attachment/inner child/fawner/agreeableness and have to pull myself out of that. The strength of the climb back into my healthier self often depends on the person and my connection with them. The ones who are similar to my malignantly narcissistic mom (or self-involved/preoccupied dad) throw me deeper into that unhealthy place.

[@carolyn4423]

Wow, Dr. Ramani, your analogy of us being an 'app' to the narcissist helped so much!! So true!

[@aliboo2011]

Honestly ever since I watched a few videos on here it has changed my life I see things clearly now and have a different perspective on life and the people in my life and I wanted to say thank you so much ! I appreciate you taking the time every day to post a video

[@mariehughey5390]

The app analogy hit home. 2of the narcissists from my past were most of the time very robotic. And at times acted like they thought of me as a machine.

[@nicoledburns82]

The family narcissist only shows up when tragedy happens. Grandma died 2 years ago and while she was in hospice my narc sister showed up every day, posted all over social media, told the whole family she just wants to be with her family because she loves them. They bought it, but 2 months after the funeral narc is MIA again. Now we had a cousin who was murdered by her husband and sure enough here comes the narc sister who hasn't seen this side of the family ( different side of family) in over 5 years and now all of a sudden she's grieving every day on social media and fruend requesting everyone in the family. Pisses me off.

[@Jess-kn8vl]

It sounds like she is unstable and embarassing herself. People will see it, and if they don't then I wouldn't worry about what they think because they arent thinking too hard about it.

[@alonzomosley7]

My narc brother only turned up when there was money or tragedy .He would visit our dying father in hospital with a small meal and disappear .Then complained how much he helped him 😂

[@mr.coffee6109]

Narcissist shows great empathy if there is an audience! The s/he will tell everyone about the kindness.

[@kkryz]

🤗 Wanting them to be better. The hope still gets me too.

[@adambutler4237]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani, I bought your book yesterday.🙂 I’m not the strongest reader, but I’m on page 48 and I only picked the book up yesterday afternoon. Really appreciate the insight. It may be able to help me make it healthy decision for my relationships in the future as well.

[@alanwaterworth6464]

The only way I´ve found to be tactical with the narc in my life is DO NOT RESPOND to manipulation or provocation. It´s taken 57 years for me to learn what this was, but these videos have been an education.

[@lorainnemorris3919]

Ok tactical versus unrealistic, I really get this! People application I like it 😊

[@reneehaber2066]

I agree! Identify your need, and then get it met by somebody else. A family member used to say, you know I'm always here for you for babysitting, but then not be available. Finally, I got to hint and hired a babysitter. Best move ever! It's confusing when people's words and deeds don't align, and empowering when you realize actions speak louder than words. Getting older gives us all an opportunity to figure out whose words and deeds align.

[@CristinaGomes-qo3vu]

My grandmother once told me: “what doesn’t make sense in life is to expect cherries from a fig tree!” You either settle for figs (lower your expectations), look for cherries elsewhere (if that’s what you really want) or take the figs whilst looking for the cherries 🙂

[@cardinalflower6959]

That's great wisdom--thank you!

[@polyglotfrog]

Rotten figs though 😬

[@polyglotfrog]

Do not expect your cat to bark :)

[@maschinka_]

In fact, I would even argue, that expecting figs from a fig tree that can lead to great disappointment that would simply be eliminated by not expecting anything of the tree. The tree doesn’t owe me. Last summer the closest fig tree to my house was taking literally forever to ripen, I don’t even think the figs ended up getting ripe at all in the end. It didn’t matter to me though, cause „no figs“ is the default and any additional figs that appear are all a bonus and therefore exciting and 100% a positive experience. If I was expecting figs that would inevitably lead to some kind of disappointment eventually, maybe there are less figs than last time, maybe the figs don’t taste exactly as delicious as the last ones. Without the expectation, every fig is wonderful simply for being a fig.

[@7prudent]

Not only in regards of NPD or other people with harmful personality disorders; people should NEVER settle down for less than they deserve or wish! People (or even jobs at times) are not "opportunities".

[@شهرزاد_نور_محمدي]

Be the person who breaks the cycle. If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. If you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you-to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.

[@gertrudewest4535]

This also makes you a target for a narcissist.

[@wendyharrison560]

❤

[@reneelibby4885]

@@gertrudewest4535 yup - the usual rules don't apply

[@reneelibby4885]

Be the person who protects themselves and stays away. Act from your heart EXCEPT when it comes to narcissists . With them, act from your brain and the wisdom acquired through your pain.

[@reneelibby4885]

@@SaddleRockManitou but you won't accept the invitation.

[@turnbacktime65]

Oh my gosh. I am an app. That totally makes sense. It’s also really hitting my funny bone. It’s so much easier to think of my partner that way. Thank you, Dr. R. for creating this channel-environment-safe space.

[@azastawna]

I'm called "transactional" for months! Just experienced nacisistic rage for the past 2 weeks and working to end that relationship. I know that my transformation happened, and i just got stronger. Those podcasts are lifesaving when you are ready. Thanks, DR Ramani!

[@erinward2983]

Being realistic isn't being cynical. You learn that what they're willing to do for us is only what works for them and interact accordingly. Bad days still happen. Learning how to interact means avoiding getting caught in their consequential roller-coaster behavioral pattern mess. I'll pass on that ride, thank you.

[@reneelibby4885]

well said!

[@matikramer9648]

I will pass that "honour" too 😊

[@vern0123-t5j]

Yeah, just too stressful, we're not made for that

[@karenkalweit6018]

This is how my fragmented family is dealing with caring for my elderly mom. A job needs to be done and fortunately we all agree that we need to cooperate. We are lucky that external factors determined who had to be the primary caregivers. I recognize that they can only take certain things from me, and I offer with each of them can use. In return, I expect to be treated decently not to be cut out. So far so good.

[@Sophia-yo9rp]

Dr Ramani, I had alot of shame for getting entangled in the first place. I cant seem to escape them, they are everywhere. Your videos help me so much and this is useful advice on how to deal with them in a way that is not harmful. Thank you for your introspections and wisdom.

[@arianasha]

TOTALLY WELL SAID DR RAMANI ! So Spot On..

[@dimitrid1096]

Viewing them as apps 😅 that phrase got me but sadly true ^^

[@biondna7984]

"When we admire some aspects of a person, we end up wanting them to be the whole package: skilled but also warm and empathic and responsive and supportive. And one of the tricky parts of narcissists is that many are often very good at one thing ... but they're often not very well-rounded human beings ..." You've nailed something I've unconsciously done all my life: assigning good traits to someone I'm attracted to BEFORE they evidence them, because I want so desperately for them to be "the one." I did this with narcs and non-narcs alike. I know it comes from the fantasizing I did as a child to get safe from the alcoholism and anger in my family. So good to know it at last. Thanks.

[@LValley-kz3yc]

Thank you Dr Ramani. Being tactical is absolutely effective. It gives you a skill that you can use with any of them. It is necessary to understand your model and without speaking you can deal and do work around with them. They never even know it.

[@Gameress84]

The “app” is a perfect example. My father I always said was emotionally bankrupted. But the “app” is my father. I had to accept he is who he is and not to expect a loving father. Thanks for this video. ❤😊

[@shar6507]

I get you, Dr. Ramani. Thank you for always trusting us to understand, and sharing your unique insights. This is the kind of help and assurance we need to shift our thinking and heal at a soul level. I am stronger every year because of your videos.

[@soumyajoseph7429]

The App analogy is apt: narcs instrumentalize their victims, their relationships are transactional - so fight fire with fire.

[@cherrybacon3319]

I became tactical to the point that i thought i could play him at his own game. How wrong i was. I went back to him thinking how he could be of use to me in some way, ANY way (i'd have done anything to be in his company), but my empathy soon took over and i found myself playing HIS game once again, whilst i went through all his cycles of abuse again. It takes a person without morals or conscience or empathy to become a hardened person like a Narcissist (and i'd inherited many Fleas), but then my true nature appeared. I didn't want to be like him. I wanted to be me. 🍒

[@cookingwithcamille]

It’s like you know exactly what I need to hear each time I play one of your videos💚

[@maevebutler4641]

Before my final break up with ex malignant narcissist I did share with a friend that I became aware that interacting with them was a series of tactics and manoeuvres void of emotion and I had wondered that if that was all it ever actually was I realise now that it absolutely was It's how they function with us & society ar all times In between rants & rages when one fails at a maneuver , if its not up to their standard Narrcissist's are really hard work So grateful that I'm no longer a performing pony at his rodeo Very low contact with elderly mother and I have absolute radical acceptance to her Great video, as always. DrRamini, thank you

[@SilvaPsychiatricCare]

Wow. Beyond the extraordinary insight, the manner which you articulate your highly original thoughts is truly astonishing. Kudos.

[@erikahorvath3708]

❤thank you Dear Doctor!

[@icarosilveira484]

I cannot thank you enough Dr. Ramani ! Your work is life changing ❤ Loved the new setup by the way

[@Kewsu113]

What Dr.Ramani says is so true. They are good at something. Work or tech. We are drawn to their talent , wit or knowledge. That keeps us hooked because we think " aww may be he'll change a little bit" . It is because we are attached to their talents and wit which attracted us.

[@sheenar4928]

"IT'S NOT YOU" is wonderful. I've read it twice as soon as I got it. Thank you so much.

[@faithbranshaw6574]

Thank you so much, for this video, it helps me prepare myself for the narcissist and encourages me not to give up on everyone, because there are people who do care. Your channel educates me and I greatly appreciate that.

[@earthrooster1969]

How cool...this app analogy 😅...or should I say 'apt analogy' 😅

[@arual41]

How profound!!!!!... I spent all day yesterday labouring on a decision I had to make, not knowing what to decide, how to proceed... And then I stumbled upon this video because of trying to help someone else!!!... You and doctor Les Carter are my go to videos!!!! And bam!!!!... This video was like an answer to my prayer!!!! Thank you thank you thank Dr. Ramani!!!!❤

[@marilynbrowman5520]

Brilliant video. It balidated what I did a few yrs ago. Now I know I was smart and strong enough to do that. I am proud I figured it our. Tx you sooooo much.

[@thelazychud2833]

I've been a watcher of yours for some years now. I own your last 2 books. I really think your next book should be Radical Acceptance and How to be Tactical. ❤

[@sarahviktoria8494]

Thank you! We need you!

[@angelalewis8042]

Thank you so much for sharing your work on narcissists I am so grateful I stumbled upon your videos. In the last 8 months I’ve been dealing with a narcissist and it’s only been the past month that I’ve seen it for what it is. My psychologist friend helped me see what was happening. I got your book too and it is very helpful. Fortunately it has not been long but I can already see how it has affected me now that I am no longer interacting with her. I still have to tie up some loose ends but with your help I feel much more clear and confident in handling it. I got lucky because she is the one who kicked me to the curb which will save me doing a slow exit. Thank you!! 🙏

[@terenzo50]

Don't engage, leave the room and don't come back. There are plenty of non-narcissists in the world.

[@AntiMasonic93]

Dr. Ramani provided good points with respect to the behaviors of narcissists.

[@valerieshy8749]

Wow! Loved the comparison to being an app on a phone. That is exactly what I am to the narcissist in my life. So gross!

[@elainesmith5313]

Dr.R. I been following you for 2 yrs now along with Dr. C. I thank you both for helping me become more self aware of narcissist traits in new people I am meeting. And to take the time, guarding myself until I sure they are safe. Making life much better in the present. Have learned so much. Thank you!!

[@3dprintwiz378]

The thing is I do not need anything from my Narcs. They are the one who needs me all the time, as their emotional punching bag. They call, almost everyday, to tick those emotional boxes. I can not do the total no contact because they are part of family. I know it is easy for some cultures, but in my case, I still see them during all the holidays. It's so draining and luckily this is the channel that gives me peace of mind that I am not alone in this world experiencing this.

[@jasonparker6138]

This is a good insight. Narcissists practically force you to adopt some of their patterns if you are going to be around them for a long time (assuming you aren't much higher status than them, and thus not subject to their bad treatment). Treating other people like an app is a good metaphor. They do it to everyone, so you have little choice but to do it to them.

[@konnierad]

OMG. I just saw you on Tamron Hall Show!!! You look beautiful and I see that purple dress! Bless you for the work you are doing❤❤❤

[@adelle468]

Thanx for all you do ❤

[@a.wilcox5690]

I look back on people I worked with who had narcissistic tendencies. I had no clue how to manage the situation because I had no tools or understanding. I was often very upset. Of course, looking back now, as a retired senior, I see how traumatized I became in those toxic work environment. Wish I had your videos then to guide me.

[@naomiweaver1855]

I absolutely needed to hear this today. Thank you so much.

[@timmorodgers4271]

I hate and love these videos in equal measures. Very insightful.

[@leeshaw5136]

Thank you for making this video. I see another side of you, your vulnerability allowed me to see you from a very compassionate perspective. Thank you for being you.

[@TheLove1Makes]

Good Advice Thanks

[@audbod4140]

I get that Dr Ramani but i didnt sign up to Uber expecting to get empathy 😢...but you are absolutely correct. Its adjusting expectations to meet reality rather than desolate disappointment with every single interaction. Ty ❤

[@beverlyadams7205]

Brilliant!!!❤❤❤

[@jtvbookslive1394]

Very helpful. Thank you.

[@rupertfergusson]

Thank you for everything, Dr. Ramani.

[@Summer_Harvest]

Stay living in the reality.

[@dr.anthonykenyanya8109]

Good perspective however i am sceptical asking for a favour from a narcissist

[@jennystreet1198]

Esp when they ask, "Can I help" or "Tell me if I can be of help". Their help is the last thing I want, I can do without it!

[@starlingswallow]

Yesss! I NEED THIS!! 🙌🏻 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻💯

[@Liz-wz8dh]

I wish I had had the benefit of this video years ago. I spent a lot of time just being mad that I even had to deal with narcissists at work and that phase was SO hard to get over.