Narcissism and the deep technique

[@D3ri3]

"Never defend yourself to a narcissist. They already know you're right. The just want you to go crazy trying to prove it."

[@happyjmc]

wow, I love this!!!!!!

[@edelweissdebergbaldrian7696]

100% Truth!

[@tooakki]

powerful

[@farfromillusion]

Thank you profusely for this liberating insight.

[@b_miss4517]

Sadly yes

[@MD-vb1hq]

They're never listening TO you; they're listening FOR you to give clues on where they should attack next.

[@vkng_drag0n982]

So true

[@teal1010]

Exactly!!! 👍 I used to wonder why they were always "staring" at me. Now I know!

[@mrs.salazar5219]

Facts!

[@AuntyEsther]

That's why we shouldn't explain or defend ourselves verbally with Narcissists, it's simply giving them more potential ammo. Give them a look and they can't argue with that.

[@sofiastark5446]

100%

[@priyapandurangi]

Some superheroes do not wear a cape. Dr. Ramani is one of them.

[@jaykram7754]

Is Dr. Ramani related to Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl?.... Bob Parr (A.K.A. Mr. Incredible), and his wife Helen (A.K.A. Elastigirl), are the world's greatest famous crime-fighting superheroes in Metroville. Always saving lives and battling evil on a daily basis. They do not wear capes! From the 2004 movie, "The Incredibles".

[@rjyadventures]

She is very wise and easy to understand. Always something to learn from every video she puts out. We are lucky to have her with us.

[@user-of9bx1uk3u]

Very much so!!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[@staciemarie5859]

@@jaykram7754 Very well said 💜

[@madeleinelynskey9483]

Oh definitely 😊.

[@teal1010]

One of the most painful experiences: "pouring your heart out" to someone that doesn't care!

[@roseglasses1]

Daily. I’ve gone insane writing endless messages in the hopes of getting back compassion. Now he gets to call me crazy.

[@teal1010]

Exactly! I thought I was supposed to "do everything I could" to get HIM to understand! Why did I only feel "insane" when I was with him? After ten years, I realized I was pouring water in a glass with no bottom! Done! ✅

[@myrtillforis762]

😨😥

[@myrtillforis762]

@@roseglasses1 😥

[@myrtillforis762]

@@teal1010 😥

[@JC-bu6vl]

Having a conversation with a narcissist is like a nightmare you can't wake up from.

[@ladybaabaa3294]

That's because the nightmare is in THEIR head, not yours. They live in it, unfortunately for them. We don't have to.

[@jessicaisabellekirchner6080]

And youre litteraly get nightmares

[@JC-bu6vl]

@@jessicaisabellekirchner6080 nightmares, PTSD, C-PTSD, anxiety. It's enough to spend a lifetime in a psychiatrists office.

[@annabeah183]

Complete with the feeling of being stuck in slow motion.

[@happygrandchildren1515]

@@annabeah183 Wow! Spot on!

[@phinton314]

My therapist told me, "When he starts with his disruption, don't defend yourself. Just look at him and think, this is who he is." It took me a while, but now I get it. Thank you Dr. Ramani for supporting me. I couldn't do it without you. You've changed my life for the better!

[@brimstone33]

One thing that Dr. R does which has been very helpful is that she says the same things, which are really pretty simple, over and over again in slightly different ways. Dealing with a narc is not intuitive. They don't react like healthy people. It takes a while - it's taking me a while - to slowly learn the rules of the game. And it will always be the narc's rules when you play with them, they won't (can't) have it any other way. Dr. R repeatedly lays out those same basic principles with slightly different insights each week. So now I can listen to one of Dr R's videos and reflect on specific situations and judge if my reaction was helpful or harmful. The more I listen to her the more the fog starts to clear on an absolutely baffling and frustrating relationship, and the faster I can recognize a developing situation and start to get ahead of it. It seems the narc has powerful weapons but they are actually few in number and easy to recognize once you know them.

[@DavidFraser007]

I would look at him and think, OMG, I married a child

[@joseenoel8093]

Go Paula Go! We had nowhere to turn and she gives us directions.... New fuels!

[@bjohnson2110]

@@brimstone33 YES, (Conditioning) !!! I constantly repeat to others WATCH Dr Ramani over and over. She tells you the same thing to drill it in.

[@overseaoversea6602]

@@brimstone33 Yes, that what they are. If they are dumb it is their point in evolution, or if they play dumb that's not healthy

[@NarcSurvivor]

Observe what they’re saying, but don’t absorb it. Don’t identify with it. Recognise as something that is separate to you and something that belongs to them.

[@DJBenito304]

“Observe don’t absorb”- Ross Rosenberg

[@melodyharmony8448]

How does an empathetic person not absorb? With practice!

[@martialmusic]

@@melodyharmony8448 absorb means to take it personally. You should say to yourself “there they go again, treating me like they treat everyone (which is true). Poor thing they are out of control. Perhaps I can be kind and de escalate the situation (IF I have the training) so they can get back to what passes for normal for them. If not poor thing I won’t take your remarks as having to do with me...they have to do with you.” One is still stressed by the situation but the stress is much reduced. And once it really cools down you can tall yourself that yiu handled yourself well while the other person was making an asshole of themself...and you did not. It works but it takes practice. But pride and a sense of personal empowerment comes from it. You do NOT get power over the other person. But realizing you have power over yourself and you remained a lady or a gentleman when they acted like a fool and tried to get yiu to be a bigger fool. If you argue with them or act inappropriately and become the bigger fool then they win. They made a fool of you. If you let them win the fool’s contest, well good. I do not wish to win the fool’s contest and be the bigger fool. 😊 it has taken me years to learn how to do this and much of it I taught myself. Now all these narcissism videos have come out and (deep sigh) they have served to validate me. And to encourage me to keep up the good work. If you remain in a relationship with them you will still suffer sometimes at their hands. But you will not suffer even further because you played into their hands. You can do it too. Love, Bob

[@ЛюдаЛ-ж6л]

@@martialmusic "they tried to get you to be a bigger fool. If you do become the bigger fool then they win" Well said, thank you! :)

[@amylee6585]

WORD

[@jeaniebritz4587]

This means you cannot talk to them at all ever. Moved on and learned lessons. Freedom to be myself.

[@melodyharmony8448]

That's what it all boils down to. Great comment!

[@manitahathi9361]

Hmmm, harsh reality

[@vkng_drag0n982]

Amen sister!

[@BonesAndButtons]

So true!

[@user-of9bx1uk3u]

Spot on!👏🏽

[@yaseminureorion]

Oh that feeling of eternal misunderstanding... This took years from my life explaining... And trying to explain everything to a black hole...

[@ruby-qv5bd]

Me, too!

[@ladybaabaa3294]

It's like trying to soak up water (aka explaining a problem / feeling) with a sponge (aka a narcissistic) that's already fully saturated with its own liquid (aka inability to comprehend any other point of view but their own). What happens if you try? The original water (aka problem / feelings) is still there, but now you've got even MORE water all over the floor because the soaking sponge (aka narc) has been squeezed. Pointless!

[@KatieM786]

Being undiagnosed autistic with a narc partner was a really dark and confusing time in my life. Glad I got out. Hope you are all ok guys xxxx

[@ladybaabaa3294]

@@KatieM786 That must have been absolutely horrendous. You are so brave and strong!

[@KatieM786]

@@ladybaabaa3294 Thank you 💜💕 It's only looking back that I realise the shell of myself I had become at the end. He was dissatisfied with everything and I was like "look you clearly don't even like me as a person anymore so why are we bothering here?". The eventual discard was spectacular and timed for the biggest hurt and disruption in my life. Then he wanted to be friends! *Friends!!!!!!* I can't repeat what I told him lol xx

[@shiny7301]

They're like invisible black holes swallowing and destroying nice people near by them...

[@JasonKale]

Wow..hahah so right on..

[@shiny7301]

@@JasonKale 😊

[@heatherg5854]

Yes and no.... Im pretty sure my narcissist was abused as a child and is very insecure for alot of different reasons.

[@shiny7301]

@@heatherg5854 Tortured children becoming torturers when they're grown up. But they don't understand that it's not fair to take revenge their past from innocent people around them...

[@joseenoel8093]

Try to cheer them up and live to regret it, what a thing.....

[@sophiacylle]

Don't Defend. Don't Explain. Don't Engage. Don't Personalize. Being Authentic is hard when you know people are using it against you. But its not forever! Others will see you and the difference in communication and the ability to be you will be night and day! Don't ignore the red flags.

[@ManjuKannan23]

🙌🏻💯

[@manaswini11]

Same happened with me

[@elizabethkelly1078]

I think the narcissist must feel very humiliated when they can't rattle you or get you to react anymore. What else do they have when they lose that power over you.

[@maggieraynehealthsolutions]

Thank God we have blocking tools on our phones and social media sites.

[@limbinalspace]

Grey rocking doesn’t work on my narc it just escalates the situation because he’d rather fight than deal with my peace & tranquility

[@rm1558]

Yeah they get mad, and then mental abuse come to physical in worst cases, the worst thing about mental abuse is you can’t show it to other people that atleast they can believe it, It’s just the mental thing going on all over the place,

[@usernameluis305]

My brother was the same. I tried to ignore his hours of rage outburst, but that seemed to make him angrier and more physical

[@retrobarbie9028]

Also experiencing this one! They want a reaction. Any reaction. And the anger escalates until they can feed off of your reaction. No reactions means there is nothing to feed.

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

Please do what you can to be safe, Holly. 🙏♥️

[@genevalawrence801]

Holly, while I don't know you or your details, this sounds all too familiar to me, and it's setting off alarm bells in my head. Someone who escalates like that gets off on the escalation and the fight and "winning." Hurting you (possibly just emotionally now, but don't count on it staying at that level) makes him feel in control and powerful. It won't stop. It will likely get worse. Power over you may be his drug of choice, and if that's true he'll need more to feed the habit as time passes. You may not be safe.

[@dragonfox2.058]

Ramani is a national treasure

[@zumbanatalieb]

International! 🙌🏽

[@georgiakarmaniola4785]

As I watch dr.Ramani’s videos I realize I made so many mistakes and wasted so much energy while going nuts trying to explain and trying to defend myself in my almost 7 year relationship with my ex narcissist . It’s all so clear now...I was not crazy ! 1 month and counting the blessings ! 🙏

[@itsgabgg6781]

Document every situation of love bombing. If he tries to text, call, leave gifts at your house. If it is known no contact you can file for an emergency protective order and get a final protective order in court with your documented evidence. That's what I'm doing right now.

[@philima]

Congratulations on getting your life back 👏😊🥳 it's so much better

[@LauraK93]

Wishing you peace.

[@rosalindalopez1045]

I put up with it for my children to keep their dad. Now they are married and have children. You can imagine the length of my nightmare!! I plan to divorce very soon and spend my left years of my life in healthy, peaceful environment, or in solitude.

[@catlady6938]

@@philima I kept saying to myself I need my life back, I am finally at the stage to take it back now after the second hoover, neither worked and I have not seen him in two months, I just need him to stop texting me.

[@MsSusiePan]

My mom is a grandiose narcissist. When I was younger and tired of dealing with her devaluing phases, I’d just stare at her as she was calling me names and accusing me of doing and feeling things I never did. I was grey rocking and didn’t even know. That made her even more furious. She used to tell me to stop staring her with my “snake eyes”

[@LadyPhoenix24]

DEEP: Don't Defend, Explain, Engage, and Personalize. Thanks Doctor Ramani.

[@tamarabennie2374]

This makes so much sense. No wonder why they suck the life and engery out of you.😔

[@joseenoel8093]

We make sense, they don't, shake their craziness on us, duck!

[@sarahm2054]

That's exactly what they do, & they know it too😒... Much peace & Blessing to you💞

[@agniukaz10]

This channel is a gold mine. Once you gain clarity on narcissistic patterns, you realise that you are the power because you have what they need and they are dependent on it. You can actually find observing their behaviours quite amusing. But more often it's just sad, especially, if they are someone you used to respect.

[@asiasmith6924]

I couldn’t agree with you more

[@LJ-qs3wq]

Good points made in your post. Also, where you wrote, "But more often it's just sad, especially, if they are someone you used to respect." Ah, yes. My "aha moment," realizing how I let myself be duped while I also RESPECTED and TRUSTED him -- "aha" and then "oh, no" and "why?" -- thinking on those and then making me very sad and sometimes angry.

[@AAXS-op1vo]

“ used to” being the operative words.

[@birdgirl8390]

I don't need the deep technique, I need the "don't start laughing" technique. It's just, ever since I've learned about narcissism and what makes it characteristic, I just can't stop myself from bursting into tears from laughing so hard when they go into narc mode. It's like they all follow a manual or a narc skript and they're so stuck in it that I can't help but laugh like an idiot. I was raised thinking that every single one of us is absolutely unique and then they're just all the same, LITERALLY!!!

[@mrmeekcreices]

Haha i laugh at narcs too now. It makes them so uncomfortable which then makes me giggle more. But this deep technique is definitely useful when you cant just laugh em off.

[@JohnLW100]

I haven’t yet got to this stage of immunity. My amygdala hijacks me every time !

[@mindrainelight3918]

The Problem is the acompaigning sadness, when it is your mother.

[@charityrose5598]

Yes, I too have to keep myself from laughing at him sometimes. But it also makes me feel like I'm just as horrible as he is when I show no empathy. It's odd. I sometimes have had to ask myself if I'm the narc when I want to tell him to "stop" or "I've heard this before" or "do we have to talk about this AGAIN (and I can no longer hide the sarcasm) " or "I don't have time for this because I have to get ready for work". Does this make sense?

[@itsgabgg6781]

I also have my laughing fits. My ex cheated on me so much and tried to justify it with, "Whenever you were distant (busy) I looked for comfort somewhere else and I did sleep with other people. But whenever things were going fine I didn't do anything with anyone else (lie). I just wanted you to know that." LMAO are you serious? These narcs actually believe this stuff and think that is justified and that they're saints. I don't even pity them anymore. No contact is the only way.

[@Nathania96]

Yup, I used to defend myself, try to explain so he could understand me and why I was hurt by his behaviours. I used to engage so we could sort out issues and it was personalised because our relationship was so important to me, I wanted us to resolve and learn from our fights. In the end, I was blamed for my reactions. He discarded me because he was “scared of my reactions” and that I “loved to argue”. Better yet, if we could have argued in his language “he would win and not me”. It was never about winning - for me, it was what I thought was for love.

[@melissad.6722]

Crazy making!

[@ladybaabaa3294]

GASLIGHT!!!!!!!

[@helengabionza9513]

We are the same points of view

[@JC-bu6vl]

Nope, every conversation for these people is about winning. Life is a competition for them.

[@helengabionza9513]

Only now i know this DEEP after i cried so much believing all d mistakes issues came from me

[@deniseavanderwerf4901]

30 years of trying to figure him out. Blaming his traumatic childhood and father issues. Trying to better myself. 60, no job, many miles away from family, and no support system. Your videos are filling my soul with validation. Thank you!

[@lavettastevenson]

35 years. 60 years old. Please build your support team to exit safely.

[@ladypeace8912]

I’m in 16 years and so scared to still be stuck at your age. It’s my worst fear

[@lavettastevenson]

@@ladypeace8912 well my best advice is to make a plan and execute. I didn’t have a real exit plan. Just making that now. Wishing you the best!

[@carmenl163]

​@@ladypeace8912it's a realistic fear. I was stuck in my narc family (parents and brother) until now, at 57. It's seems so hard to get out, but trust me, once you're doing it, it's not as horrible as you anticipated it to be. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. That's what they have done to you. But your mind will heal fast, once it gets the opportunity. It's ready. I wish you courage and strength, and many years full of love and respect. You deserve it.

[@ozzieenglelewis]

This is my exact experience.

[@bonniehoke-scedrov4906]

This is very tough to learn, but essential. Beware when you’re tired, just got up, going to bed-you can get caught of guard and suddenly you’re defending in court.

[@alabama.worley]

Soooo true. I've been doing extremely well handling my pathologically narcissistic mother throughout the past year, and found myself defending when caught off guard one morning. Mere seconds later, I realized I'd done so retrospectively and was beyond frustrated. Suffice to say, I learnt this lesson at that very moment, and am even more cautious now with EVERY communicative exchange.

[@FaithfulandTrue949]

Don't Defend, Explain, Engage, Personalise Deep = the authentic person's response to the narc's DARVO encompassing Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim Offender. Thank you Dr Ramani 🙏💖

[@mantisno9201]

Your comment 🔥🔥... Can you please help me understand RVO part in DARVO?

[@fighttheevilrobots3417]

​@@mantisno9201Dr. Ramani has a video on it.

[@mantisno9201]

@@fighttheevilrobots3417 cool will check it out

[@19ghost73]

@@mantisno9201 The narc switches the roles of who is the offender and who is the victim. While the narc is the offender in reality, s/he will try to portray the situation as if the narc is the victim, and the victim in reality is the offender.

[@mantisno9201]

@@19ghost73 damn bro you just twisted my mind there for a minute and it all makes sense. 🤔😂 Thanks So in short the Narcissist is a victim in a sense?

[@free5pirit01]

If I had known this years ago it would have saved me so much time, energy and pain. Sigh.

[@joseenoel8093]

Least you know, there's got to be more out there who don't, than do! 🙏🙋

[@janetpattison8474]

AMEN to that! I feel like my whole life has been ruined by continuous stream of narcissistic abusers, and I didn’t get it until recently.

[@marama49cabrera57]

Is never to late to fight for our mental health friend. ⚘

[@jodycasey6936]

OK I changed my mind... this is one of your best ones ever! Thank you for being here for me every day.

[@susanklein7448]

Living with a narcissist is like "living in an eternal kangaroo court" OMG so brilliant!

[@Darlenejoy]

I liked that part too. Kangaroo court with no due process.

[@gretchen0684]

I feel like I have wasted so much time and energy, especially now that I know that for almost two years, I've been doing the equivalent of arguing with a box of rocks

[@joseenoel8093]

Ha ha, it's like we'd need a stick of dynamite to move their thinking! Kaboom, mine gets! He's learning the hard, I'm gonna ruffle your rocks you piss me off so much, way! If I ever cook for him again (been a decade, only at Xmas and he'd better stay out of my kitchen) I'll say "Hay pile of rocks, which hot 🔥 spice you want added so you can taste something?"

[@juneo7]

Try 14 yrs😭🙅‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[@Linda2]

Thankyou so much Dr.Ramani. I have been out of the relationship for 4 months now and have been following your advice. You have empowered me and made me feel strong again. The old me is back and I love her. I am confident, and free. You are a treasure for us all. 🌟

[@joseenoel8093]

Nice tuxedo cat, me too, I'm addicted to them!

[@Linda2]

@@joseenoel8093 Phoebe is a Norwegian Forest Cat. She gives me sanity in this crazy world.

[@nickrao5086]

Love your videos! Could you do role plays? It would be very helpful to see an example of DEEP.

[@raysofsunshinegirl2401]

They only respect you when you go deep. You must realize that they're heartless meat sacks. There is nothing underneath that 3 year old babies filled diapers drama, called a narc rage theater play, they pull whenever they get a "no". Just go deep, walk out the door safely, never return , stay deep forever. Don't go looking for a heart where there is none.

[@danielforlano]

I survived adolescence as a grey rock. I became one long before I knew what one was. I was near completely shut down and void. I made a promise to myself that some day I would be free to shine: have friends, an emotional life, live to speak my truth.

[@martefact]

Me too...not quite at wish fulfillment yet though. i hope you are.

[@danielforlano]

No. I live on eggshells, any person or gig could be another coercive control. And the mobbing continues.

[@newborndragon8403]

You were a wise and strong adolescent, WtW! I hope you're feeling the freedom now.

[@goverlord]

I remember a particular argument where I said "excuse me for trying to defend myself." My mom turned to me and said, "YOU have no defense." I never tried to talk to her again.

[@NotIt1024]

I am sorry 😞Thankful for your good instincts but I hopefully you realise you have a defense and you are important and deserve to be defended.

[@bobbiedzarate]

I'm sorry you went thru that growing up. I'm so glad we have folks like Dr. R to help us recognize, acknowledge, accept and heal😇

[@NotIt1024]

@@bobbiedzarate 💜💜💜

[@melissad.6722]

Horrible but sure shows their God complex of judge jury executioner.

[@kimberlyfowler840]

I also was raised by a narcissistic mom, stay strong

[@michelepascoe6068]

"Its not because you aren't good enough, it's because they're treating you badly." Thank you Dr Ramani. I kept engaging for decades with my mother and her flying monkeys, giving them opportunities to treat me with contempt. Life is so much better with only people who reciprocate love and appreciation. I grieve for the people who used to love me in return but were turned against me by slander, but they are no longer the loving ones they were. They are different, practising their cruelty, so I'm not begging any more.

[@bellisimaamor6245]

You are talking to someone who is not listening. No understanding. So true.

[@usernameluis305]

10:30 it took me a long time to realize that narcissism is about superficiality and being so egoistic and insecure that making everyone else around them feel bad is sort of par for the course

[@heyla8401]

So true! A narc's insecurities are mind boggling. You cannot reason with or defend yourself when dealing with a narc. You are wasting your time and energy.

[@a.hassan8922]

This is gold. Deep is the way you get to control and shut them out of their supply. They don't ever listen, they're not sincere, not authentic, so why bother trying to put things right. You know what you are and what you did, that's all that matters. Cut their supply and they will leave you alone sooner.

[@lorianne4608]

Only a narcissist would give a thumbs down on your videos!

[@mamashanshan2772]

Keeping silent has been my best safety.

[@krisk2515]

That statement about how grey rocking is hard because it’s a constant inauthentic state was gold for me! It’s exactly how I feel and tried to express. It is almost just as taxing as interacting. I stick to it but it feels so foreign and at times like I am losing who I am. But having close friends is absolutely key. Thank you for this validation

[@katherinebaldwin2308]

I agree. I'm autistic and it feels so loathsome.

[@thomase13]

@@katherinebaldwin2308 Never seen anyone else acknowledge this before but I was thinking the same thing - this must be so much harder for autists!

[@ladypeace8912]

I have had to repeat the mantra of don’t defend and don’t explain to myself while he is ranting and cursing at me. It was so hard to hold my tongue back. Then when I didn’t engage at all, he hit me a few times as if he was frustrated that he didn’t get a reaction. I’m still stuck here

[@infinitetundra]

I swear Dr. Ramani, Melania Tonia Evans, Ross Rosenberg, Lisa Romano and others I am sorry I didn’t get to are like The Avengers of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery.

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

🎯 We're lucky to be able to get this training from them, too

[@drlarrymitchell]

GRANNON!

[@svetlanaleonova590]

SAM VAKNIN!

[@infinitetundra]

@@svetlanaleonova590 Isn’t he a Narcissist? In that case, may as well say HG Tudor too

[@joseenoel8093]

Hi sugar, hope your keeping well from French Canada 🇨🇦!

[@wishingonthemoon1]

“An eternal misunderstanding because they lack self-awareness capabilities.” YES. I mean it’s like Groundhog Day the nightmare

[@defenseagainststalking]

I go DEEP-ER, Exit and Run!

[@vibehigh5280]

Hehe yes!!

[@deadislander]

Wish I could afford living alone

[@nottoday4586]

Haha!

[@denisec6473]

Hell yeah 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

[@sabrinamohammed9778]

@Mc Allen City Corruption lollll I agree!!!!!! 💯💯💯 #runforestrun

[@jennyp4934]

I wish I knew this as a child. My mother accused me of terrible things on a regular basis and defending myself caused her to harm me emotionally and physically. Was terrible and scary.

[@user-uc4pf2rt4j]

So sorry you experienced this. 💔💔💔

[@amandapetty6715]

💙

[@wendi-bnkywuv]

I didn't start defending myself until I got into my teens and was forced to live with my "mother". Our society is toxic with it's whole mantra of "people will accept you for who you are if you just explain and be true to yourself with them" and "everyone has good in them somewhere!!" nonsense.

[@dr.spencerreid2991]

Love this community of survivor's #family

[@phalinimcleod8819]

Survivors Support Group!!!

[@R91ellaK]

We elect the one whose alias is _Dr. Spencer Reid_ as our president😅👌🏾

[@jsmorefield]

If you are defending yourself in a narcissistic relationship, don’t! I tried to nicely defend myself from her lies but she never listened to me, nor would she ever listen to me. It was exactly a “kangaroo court” that she dragged out in front of everyone to make me the bad guy and her the innocent victim. Please, run away and never look back! It is not worth it.

[@triscuit4000]

Exactly, I relate to this.

[@RickLoconto]

Excellent Advice Dr Ramani 👍 I now see what I have been doing Wrong all along. I am Now Going DEEP. Thank you for being here for Us. ❤️

[@samarahernandez3878]

I heard someone say a loooong time ago "Don't roll in the mud with pigs. You'll get dirty. And they will like it" I think of that as I'm watching this. Awesome information!

[@MekalaMurali-x2q]

Wow, why didn't I now knew this years ago, suffering for more than 20 years leading into anxiety and panic disorders. Dr. Ramani, you're given me what I exactly need. Thank you

[@sharonannehenry]

If you think about it grey rock is more authentic than fighting useless battles with the narcissist pretending like your feelings, words, etc might actually mean something to them.

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

Agreed. Just like the doc says, we know we can't teach the narc, so why expend your energy? I think she means it's preferable to communicate, but that's rare with narcs. Stay Strong 💪

[@EmiMakesIt]

These videos have become my armor to put on to protect myself from my narcissistic parents. I’m nearly forty with a family of my own and I’ve felt wrong footed around them all my life, forever trying to defend or explain myself with only further defeat and humiliation to show for it. Dr Ramani has given me clarity to see the toxicity of this relationship and methods to refuse engagement. I’m so incredibly grateful.

[@happyjmc]

This is how ive been raised, this is the past 55 years of my life!!!!

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

Hang in there, Jill I've seen more than one supportive comment from you, so I know you're a good egg. Stay Strong 💪

[@christinajackson3461]

Me too. It's only been the last couple of years that I've actually started to see it for what it is... Out of my control

[@happyjmc]

@@eddierayvanlynch6133 wishing for a good life for us! With much healing xo

[@teal1010]

😢💪💞

[@joseenoel8093]

Survivor, rock on! Like your hat,.my last name is Xmas!

[@BushCookingandSurvival]

This is one of my favorite topic and I really got my pen and paper. Thanks Doc 🙏

[@dragonfox2.058]

I use this online all the time. They try to define me and I say "I know who I am...say whatever you want"

[@rypoelk997]

I'm going have to rewatch this one a few times, especially before visiting relatives

[@cacatr4495]

If they're like that, is it really wisdom to visit them?

[@rypoelk997]

@@cacatr4495 is it wisdom to comment when you know nothing about someone's situation

[@Yeshuaseekinggirl]

It’s been so hard getting over the devaluing and discarding stage for me.

[@matilda1505]

Same here ! Devastating !

[@judythorsgaard4388]

It's horrible. Just remember that you ARE valuable and worth your weight in gold! (hugs)

[@matilda1505]

@@judythorsgaard4388 Thanks and right back at you !

[@KatieM786]

You will get there and you will be stronger because of it. Big loves xxx

[@cassandracarrizo6429]

It's hard, because you still hear their words ringing in your head. Once you start to hear Dr Ramani's words, and understand the truth, you will have peace.

[@aprilharrison5702]

Every time I start to think I could maybe have a relationship with my narc mom, I always start defending, explaining, and engaging because she tries everything to get any kind of rise out of me. Then I remember who TF I am and don’t need to do that anymore :)

[@APlus-qx7no]

I went to my elderly father's physical therapy session to be supportive to him. (He was a narcissist, but I didn't know that at the time.) He yelled at me, "you're a worthless piece of shit!" and the physical therapist looked shocked. I calmly said, "you're having a bad day. I'm leaving." And I left.

[@taylorthomas8869]

The things that come out of their mouths😳

[@francoisgouws7288]

Next time he can go alone!

[@plumduff3303]

I am sorry to hear your father was horrible to you ..mine was similar when he died it was a relief

[@amber40494]

Sorry your dad was like mine!

[@dudanunesbleff]

I am sorry your father said that to you.

[@baxtermt1]

Where were you 30 years ago? I did all the wrong things. I was almost convinced that everything that happened or didn't... was all my fault. I was on antidepressants to keep it together for our kids. He finally left me for his very young pregnant girlfriend. I've put 15 years behind me since then and I couldn't be happier. Thanks Dr. Romani for helping me make sense of it all. I'm blessed to have made it out alive.

[@colbysmom56]

I agree with your opinion on grey-rocking. It's kind of being insincere about what you may be feeling. But it's kind of like ducking when a fist is coming at your face. Necessary!

[@cacatr4495]

It's CHOOSING what you convey. Since they use your own words, responses and emotional state against you, it is withholding that from them. Learning to "veil" one's facial expressions, means they can't tell what you're thinking. It gives them less to work with.

[@sweetheart.nikkilee430]

This is so powerful. Going through so much at the moment, with work, with ex, with friends. I'm gonna go deep starting today.

[@ElectrologyNow]

Something to add to your narrative: endlessly talking about your narcissistic relationship to everybody you know. A beautiful friend is married (now divorcing) a textbook first-class narcissist. For years her friends heard her stories about “what he did this time.” Eventually, I got bored of the on-going saga with no conclusion. Eventually, I got irritated at her apparent weakness and inability to punch back. Still, the stories kept coming over-and-over ad nauseum ... it became her identity! Thank God it’s all changing now ... I hope! Divorcing. Don’t make living with a narcissist your identity. Don’t become a chronic complainer.

[@redefinedliving5974]

LOL you clearly dont understand the challenge here. so stop talking about it

[@ElectrologyNow]

@@redefinedliving5974 Not sure if your LOL comment was directed toward me ... However, "understanding" is an interesting concept. Two people can hear the same statement or view the same event; and have different "understandings." It happens all the time, and that's why we have different Political ideologies and Parties (for example). Your "command" that if person does not have YOUR "understanding" they cease any discussion, is a totalitarian statement: this is the thinking and directive of the Neo-Marxist "cancel culture." You don't agree? So, you want to shut the person down. Take a look at our Constitution some time, i.e., the First amendment.

[@ElectrologyNow]

@A M Well, sure if YOU say so ... but why do you fear other ideas or opinions? Psychology is not a religion ... Sad! I re-read my 5-months old post and the update is just wonderful! My dear friend is THRIVING ... SHE GOT out of the marriage. She has an awesome new job and is full of energy and enthusiasm. She even looks better! Funnily enough, when she does relate a "narcissist story" it's usually with a smile on her face. A person CAN escape the gulag.

[@ElectrologyNow]

@A M Thanks for a good, thoughtful and valid response ... and you're right! (Usually people just yell at me or call me names.) I have definitely seen people continue to associate with the same sort of person over-and-over ... until they realize what's happening. Until they get to the "eureka" moment it can be an endless dilemma. Be Well ... and I hope people who are living this nightmare find peace (and a little prosperity too).

[@ElectrologyNow]

@A M Just so that validation of one's mistreatment doesn't become your primary identity. You might end up being like Harry and Megan!

[@m.pixley8413]

You are so right about explaining. When I do that I feel like I get stuck in an explicit mindset that is hard to shake.

[@crashlikewaves]

I tried gray rock for a year - I couldn't handle the cognitive dissonance. I couldn't get the emotional distance to make it worth it.

[@shiiaustria8521]

No contact is better than grey rocking for me. The relationship just doesn't make sense anymore when you grey rock. I feel empty.

[@lolaost9559]

Holy cow! So listening to this teaching, I realized the way I defend my self, my soul really! I didn't know I was already going D.E E.P every single day, and yes is so very tiring and vexing and just the bottom of human interaction but most definitely the the survival mode that has kept me sane, safe and (whole) ..

[@devidaughter7782]

don't DEEP: defend, explain, engage, and personalize. . . "to explain. . . and then have it ignored, is extremely invalidating" (5:14). . . "in the long term, remaining in any kind of narcissistic relationship is not good for your health" (6:24). . . "emotional abuse is not okay. never." (8:12)

[@cozmovox]

I try to put ut this way : NEVER JUSTIFY YOURSELF ! When a narcissistic person plays the blame game, I always answer them : "I never told anyone I am a good person".

[@p.c.5482]

THE ENDLESS TEXT BATTLES!! You are literally telling me EVERYTHING my narcissistic ex does to me daily... I can't thank you enough for what you do. You have helped me through so much with this person. Narcissistic abuse plus him also having mental issues is the worst combination. Co parenting with a person like this is a dead end... THANK YOU DR. RAMANI❤

[@amylynn7881]

I’m listening to this over and over before I leave work to face the narc at home.

[@GoldStation.117]

Brilliant. Many notes from this video. You are like a Jedi. 🙏🏽

[@lautjenz1103]

The last narc has driven me insane. I dont know when Ill be myself again.

[@royalbohemian9757]

That driving you mad...is real as hell.

[@faithycc4388]

This couldn't have come at a better time for me today. Thank you so much!

[@hugsmileveryday]

I was nodding to all the examples that Dr. Ramani gave. It's like she was eavesdropping during all the conversations I had with my husband and other narcissists in my life. I'm so glad to know it really wasn't me not doing enough these years, the real issue was them! I was doing DEEP all the time, no wonder they drove me crazy and it's always so tiring engaging them. I felt I was losing more of myself every time i wanted to "talk it out" to resolve issues, but they always managed to minimise their issues and gaslighted me. These years I have been keeping myself sane and more conscious with self healing meditations, nutrition supplementation and learning more about wellness matters, then I came across Dr Ramini's videos! I'm so glad my life can be better, knowing more about how to deal with these narcissists until I can get them out of my life.

[@anesasosevic2813]

DEEP technique touched me deeply. This made me more conscious and made my knowledge about narc deeper. Dr. Ramani, thanks!

[@samd939]

Dont personalize the dislikes, this video was awesome👍

[@JohnLW100]

D.E.E.P. Seeing it, hearing it, practicing it, over and over (40 times and above, I think is the number of repetitions needed to make deep changes) will be such a useful tool to remind me over and over again to not play games with a narcissist. This reminds me of the book entitled “Games People Play”. Thanks as always 🙏🏼

[@Dixieland-kj4yu]

Just now looked that book up. Thanks

[@KatieM786]

That is a brilliant book, I own it and it's great! Totally recommend!

[@ildikof1606]

"But won't I just be a doormat, letting them walk all over me? - Listen, they are already walking all over you." Perfectly put. Oh, and the long texts and multipage emails...so much time and energy wasted.

[@elspethfougere9683]

This is so perfect for my work situation. Thank you so so much. Its so easy to get confused in the moment, and I've been thinking to myself how I can stay clear and maintain my private self-validated reality when I'm being toyed with, deep is the perfect representation of this image, thank you!

[@candy2325]

I have a family member like this where I deal with them accordingly. I can’t cut them off completely but I deal with them when needed. We had a huge blow up argument last year and they showed signs of Narc behavior and I’ll never forget it. It’s funny because when the holidays rolled around that’s when they wanted us to be “close” and bond again. It never ends with them lol

[@melissad.6722]

Perfect timing! Got an accusing blaming email yesterday which included their feelings and opinion. Basically outlining my bad behavior and motives and how difficult it's making something for them and how they feel (because of my boundary). Pointing out their superior rational way and my irrational (because they want to act like nothing bad has been done by them) and I should continue to serve/help them as usual, minimizing ignoring decades of abuse to me and our kids.. This morning I was thinking if and how to respond. This is perfect. I will give required information only and not address ANYTHING else they said or accept the judgement/accusation.

[@user-zu2yh7wv6n]

You know your truth and you don't need to accept their interpretation of "said" version of events.

[@TapiaJ]

Happened to me at work. And I ignored for months. But they keep trying. But you have to remember you absorb the negative energy they have. Even when grey rocking. So I finally learned that you take the negative energy with you. So a spiritual cleansing is needed. It was like night and day after I did it. Because everywhere I went all the negative people were drawn to me like a magnet. This world is so strange.

[@donnaschnare7029]

Oh boy … I did this and I am ashamed. My son married a covert Narc and I bought into it hook line and sinker for awhile also. Then recently he accused me of a laundry list of things I did NOT do and I got so defensive - it got ugly , the call ended and I haven’t heard a peep from him I am 72 and been supportive of him for 49 years. Than this person comes along and snap, just like that he is gone. I am thankful he shares custody of my granddaughter and that her mother has expressed that she needs me in her life and will let me visit with her - it is the worst thing I have ever experienced and never met anyone like his wife before. She is the poster child of a narcissist- she love bombed him and me.. and slowly dismissed me after I did so much for her , her kids and them as a couple. It is hard to be done. But your videos are helping a lot.. I am stamping DEEP on my forehead … thank you

[@DartmoorPaul]

Until I went into therapy and uncovered the narcissistic abuse my mother dished out all my life, you could have powered a small city on the energy I wasted on her defending and explaining myself 😢 Thank you Dr Ramani for this short, to the point and extremely useful video

[@annabelcampotaylor1717]

I used to get invalidated with “it’s not that deep” all the time so the deep technique takes on a whole new meaning for me

[@katiefraser7266]

Oh how I wish I had found Dr Ramani years ago!!! Better late than never!!! This makes so much sense and i now realize I was doing all the opposites of DEEP

[@A_lilBitRatchet]

I visit this video from time to time to remind myself not to defend, engage, explain, nor personalize. I'm grateful for you Dr. Ramani. You helped me make it out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm finally divorced and, for the most part, free from the vulnerable narcissist. By the way, I love your podcast.

[@myrna4445]

There’s always backlash. I remember my last episode with me defending my myself. I told him I was calling the police if he kept emotionally abusing me. I told him to leave and stop his verbal abuse. He took my phone away also I went to get my son’s phone. He turned the tables real fast and made me look like the crazy one in front of my kids. That was my lowest point. I told myself no more. I went and got a divorce. Now I’m going through emotional morning stages, but I hope to get better.

[@joywebster2678]

Even with physical abuse I called cops, and they sided with him. The narc spun them a tale out of my hearing and the cops started looking at me funny. They told me to sue him in court. They didn't enact domestic violence laws nothing. Then I knew I was alone with the beast. Using grey rocking first as a technique and finally as a way to unhook from the reactivity, made life calmer. I knew he'd never change, and he hasn't he treats me like a stranger. Yes I'm still trying to find a place to go.

[@elizabethgil4135]

Wow....Defend, Engage, Explain, personalize...Everything I did. Thank you so much Dr Ramani for breaking it down. I wasn’t crazy! I needed this today. The waters are calm and my brain and heart are playing with me. 5 months of holding strong to my escaping and in solitude but I played with the idea that we could be friends. Ugh! I really needed to listen to this today!!!I played the tapes back of all of the insane behavior and how my nerves were shot! So many days of not “going deep” . Finally no novel long emails/text. 🙏

[@jackychuplis9512]

That's what she said lol on a more serious note, I'm going to use this technique next time my sister comes to visit. Thank you Doctor Ramani, as always!

[@usernameluis305]

You are funny

[@kinbaku3212]

Thank you for this video. It validates a strategy I developed to deal with my father-in-law, who is notorious for creating a verbal vortex with his family. In the past, I have been sucked into it. I believe he has tapped into old wounds of mine, so when I get sucked in it is animated (to say the least). At some point I started ending discussions when they were getting out of hand, usually by saying that I was done. That enraged him, to the point of not taking to my wife - his own daughter - for weeks. Thing is, he and I can get into huge blowouts (no violence, no outward aggression), and he is fine. But if I end the conversation on my own terms? That is the biggest insult possible. So I started avoiding engagement. I actually remind myself when he gets started: 'Don't engage.' It works so much better for all of us. However, sometimes his persistence wins and I'm sucked right back in. I will memorize DEEP and keep it in mind when I see him. Hopefully that helps. I think it will. What you say about gray-rocking, calling it an impoverished form of human connection is so true. It actually hurts, but it is better than feeding the narcissist and having it all blow up.

[@angelaterry6510]

Wow....of all the wonderful truths you've taught me...this!!! I've been struggling with extricating myself from a narcissistic marriage, I keep getting sucked back into it. Even though I moved out 7 months ago I keep trying to "reason" with him, and it just leads to invalidating of the worst kind. He holds fast to accusations that are absolutely untrue, fantastical made up scenarios that nobody but him believes, and with a family history of mental illness I kept almost hoping he was just sick or maybe it was the effects of alcohol abuse. He is sick, thats obvious, but its hard to accept anyone you love could believe such lies about you to the point they would rather lose you than admit wrongdoing. There are choices involved in his behaviors that seem to rule out pathology over psychology. My pastor said "stop taking it personal". At first, I was offended. Excuse me, but his attacks are VERY personal. He has torn me down as a woman, a mother, a wife, a Christian, everything I am! Listening to this...it all makes sense. I'm not the one behaving badly. I know MY truth and I'm not backing down, I'm walking away. I've wasted too much time and energy on a lost cause. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤ ♥

[@dyoung2739]

Keep your conversations as brief as possible with the narc. I told my narc that my convos were limited to 5 minutes with him because the convo usually took a turn at the 5 minute mark. At 5 minutes(usually 2 or 3 minutes😂) I’d totally stop talking and/or responding.

[@CL-fs3kt]

LOL!!! I’ll do that next time. I’ll bring a buzzer

[@dyoung2739]

@@CL-fs3kt 😂try it. Trust me, a convo with the narc goes left in less than 5 minutes.

[@eloeden2056]

This is very true. Now at dinner i only ask my parents if they want some more pasta or need the water and that's it. I keep all my energy and my authenticity for my little sister who's a sweet soul and needs someone to talk to - and we try talk as much as we can while they're not here. My parents would take everything (LITERALLY) i say to twist it and use it against me one way or another. Never engaging with them again

[@browniesbyte]

I hardly ever do any of the talking with my narc Mother. I gave up on that quite awhile ago.

[@angelaspeer6386]

Haha, that is so great. He must find that incredibly frustrating.

[@lori-annefay4138]

Your facial expressions kill me, I am so right there with You. I'm about to visit on Mother's Day weekend with my 2 adult daughters. Fully aware that it could be our last visit ever. The siblings live together. I've been triangulated out. I speak to one regularly, the other never. Their dynamic is still somewhat confusing. I am trying to remain positive, and keep my expectations low. It's going to be make it or break it weekend. This technique will be forefront in my mind. Much gratitude.

[@tlove6932]

Thank you sooooo much for this! I am working so hard on applying DEEP. It is difficult to learn, particularly as an Empath. It is working WELL though. Bless you for this, especially as we’re going through some very difficult days. You are a Godsend. Thank you!!!👍🏼💯💗🕊💪🏼🌹

[@ladypeace8912]

I have had to repeat the mantra of don’t defend and don’t explain to myself while he is ranting and cursing at me. It was so hard to hold my tongue back. Then when I didn’t engage at all, he hit me a few times as if he was frustrated that he didn’t get a reaction. I’m still stuck here

[@faizajaved9826]

Just wanted to let you know Dr. Ramani you played a part in saving my life.

[@suuz.11]

Habitual Attribution Bias. You'll never win. Because you can't grasp how they think. It's all just playing their game. Search yourself. The only way to win is not to play.

[@cacatr4495]

Maybe readers should repeat that several times to themselves, even everyday, "The only way to win is not to play."

[@alysencameron361]

I got rid of a narc by not responding to his complaint (given as a dictator) about how I did not consider his needs by saying, "Be careful where you go and what you do, the world is full of mean people". It completely silenced him. I decided on this tactic because narcs are always wanting the attention on themselves, so being authentically compassionate seems to work to halt them. This tactic needs more testing.

[@seekerofknowledge8961]

My nickname my whole life was Can Do until I married a covert, it changed after years to the fixer, was my epiphany today. Well I'm changing it back and leaving that narc out in the cold, where he belongs with such a cold unfeeling heart. I'm getting DEEP with that!

[@allhimwithme5115]

"You already _are_ a doormat." Wow...that just crystalized my whole experience in a useful, tangible way. Thank you, Dr. Ramani again and again. (And, my screen name refers to the Almighty, not anyone else, LOL.)

[@hiadyaguilar5207]

Thank you so much for this!

[@manchesterisred99]

I've watched a lot of your videos, Dr Ramani, but Jesus Christ. This one is incredible. Too much love, thank you. ❤