BENIGN Narcissists: Everything you need to know (Part 2/2)

[@pratiksridhar3459]

The "benignness" fades away to reveal more devious narcissistic traits like manipulation, gaslighting, playing the victim etc when they dont get what they want. You're fine as long as you have no expectations of them, start voicing your needs and see how quickly their "benign" act wears off.

[@anta3612]

Like all narcissists "benign" narcissists can perceive any shift of focus from themselves (it can be something even petty like if you turn down an invite to a party they organized because you have the flu or need to cram for an exam i.e.: prioritizing your own needs) as narcissistic injury and will respond with narcissistic rage and then watch out because they can turn into a very nasty enemy. In fact if the response to narcissistic injury is not narcissistic rage then we're not dealing with a true narcissist but just a very self centered person. Narcissistic rage is what leads narcissists to harm others. The harm they cause can vary in terms of severity (from mere slander to more serious acts of aggression depending where the narcissist falls on the spectrum). For a narcissist "fun" is just another tool to be used to manipulate and obtain favor (narcissistic supply) as well as to control others. It may seem harmless until you see what's really going on beneath the façade. After my own experiences, which caused a lot of damage to me, I prefer to stay as far away as possible from them.

[@jdglen24]

That's true

[@jenscancerjourney7312]

💯!! Mine was dreamy and spoiled me rotten UNTIL... I set very reasonable boundaries. Then came the gaslighting and manipulation. Unbelievably shallow and immature also.

[@catherinekeddy2816]

So very true.😪

[@elainehurney799]

My question... Recognizing that someone like this is a close family member... I'll be okay. But how do I defend this person's child, who I believe is in the process of being treated as the family scapegoat?

[@Liitebulb]

When people say "it's easy to make friends in your 20s" these are the friends they're referring to.

[@NS-uq9st]

Before this series I used to think these people are "normal " And I am the " too emotional" And " too sensitive " Kinda person. Thank you Dr. Ramani. BTW today you are glowing and looking very pretty. 🌺🤗🙏

[@wolfgangk1]

Sadly, they've become the norm.

[@warorislam]

That's what projection does overtime. They project negative stuff they are feeling themselves and can't/wont process internally onto the target!. While the target ruminates over the situ the narc just sit back and watch on and get off temporary. The reason because it's temporary is most times the target processes stuff quickly and it bothers the narc why it's not affecting you more or all the time!. Crazy crazy madness these things.

[@quixoticsonnet]

That's the biggest telltale sign of a Narcissist. They can do no wrong and everyone else is just "too sensitive."

[@HaleyMary]

I've noticed that when being around narcissists, as well. I've been told by narcissists that I am too sensitive on many occasions. As an empath, I feel emotions deeply, but it's horrible to be around people like narcissists because it just makes me end up feeling badly about who I am.

[@h.borter5367]

Yes. Dr. Ramani describes so well. Not so normal.

[@posieglom3215]

One of the dangers with these people, if you are too close to them as either a friend or a romantic interest, is that you become the "sidekick," and your relationship makes you feel like they are the star of your own life story and you are a supporting player. I have let this happen to me with close friends, and had to snap out of it. I was so much happier when I realized I should be the star of my own movie.

[@Selfworthhealer]

Absolutely

[@montanagirl4530]

You are so right! That's exactly where I am right now. Always the "sidekick" even while he shamelessly flirts with others right in front of me. . . it's really pathetic.

[@cardinalflower6959]

Spot on. This type of person needs a sidekick.

[@chaimomma9198]

That’s Britney Spears and her dad. He actually believes he made her and she isn’t a human being.

[@sandyberger-r9j]

This is my story 100%. I was his sidekick, his personal cheerleader! His little helper with anything from changing the car tires to renovating the house or doing garden work. I did the cleaning, shopping, chopped the vegetables- but he was the great cook! How lucky I was to have a husband who cooked. Well, I often thought about that when I cleaned up the mess he left in the kitchen..

[@juliemurphy9412]

Definitely the type of friend that only has you around when it's convenient for them.

[@nhasan1141]

This is true. I had such friend but she broke up with me because I didn’t invite her to a party to my home. It was a very small party. She just stopped talking to me and totally ignoring me when we bump into each other.

[@katarinatibai8396]

🎯 - 100%

[@Tophadoodledoo]

This is definitely more prevalent than I think people realize. Feels like when they say that social media has given rise to increased narcissism, it's benign narcissism that's all over the place.

[@kathleengrant4341]

This is totally my husband (ex). It was like I had an extra child. He's so irresponsible, the life of the party, everyone likes him, but at home he was lazy. In 27 years I had to remind him to take out the trash everyday. He knew that if he pretended to forget something, I would do it. Finally when the kids were grown and he no longer had playmates he totally ignored me. Spent all his free time playing video games or on Facebook. I raised 5 kids and him. He's the only one who never grew up. Early this year her finally admitted that he'd been pretending to be stupid so I'd do everything, that he'd taken advantage of me all these years... and he said it with a smirk on his face like it was funny. He was so proud himself. I'll never forget that smirk as long as I live. I left him as soon as I could. I was already living alone with him right in the same room anyway. I figured if I was going to live alone I might as well do it without a slob to pick up after. Now he still tries to hoover me and love bomb me, but I just see that smirk and I'm not even tempted.

[@christianpulisic7784]

Kathleen Maulorico,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌺,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!

[@annarowe8459]

🙌🏼💖

[@laureneannedeloggio7479]

This hits close wow

[@TheresFuckeryAfoot]

Congrats on leaving!! Wishing u the best on this new leg of the journey 💗🙏🏽

[@shiiaustria8521]

Correct. Living alone without the parasite narc is better.

[@NotTheVibe]

hi doctor. i am a narcissist with a lowercase n… that’s what my therapist told me. i watch your videos to become more self aware of my own behavior and not hurt my significant other or family. i want to be a good person. i am still self centered i admit, but i think of others a lot more than i used to. your channel has helped me a lot

[@MsSheilaC]

🙏🏻

[@johnypanta6208]

Good luck on your journey. Getting a diagnosis is a step most Narcissists never reach

[@novembah]

Most of the time it's never narcissists that go to therapy in fact they refuse to and then their victims have to spend the rest of their lives and thousands of dollars in therapy (the ones that can afford to; the ones that can't afford therapy end up destroyed and lost forever). It is very rare to see a self aware narcissist and even rarer to see one who is actually putting in the effort to become a better person. All the best.

[@rockyp32]

U need jesus

[@NotTheVibe]

@@rockyp32 I’m a muslim

[@debralbungermd8804]

I had a "best friend" whom I went on vacation to Cancun with every Spring for 20 years. One year, she did not return my call for 3 months to plan our trip, so we didn't go. A month later I got a postcard from her from her vacation in Spain. Apparently she had gotten a better offer and could not be bothered to tell me. We had a little bit of an argument about that but all she would say was "We are still best friends and there's nothing you can do about it!" I dropped it. I called her a couple of times the following winter to plan our trip but did not get a call back so I gave up. And yet I STILL remained "best friends" with her. We continued to talk once a month or so. A few years later she said, "I wonder why we ever stopped going on our annual trip to Cancun?" She truly did not remember. When I reminded her of the above, including that she ignored my calls the following year, she accused me of making the whole thing up. That is one of many stories with her. She was fun to do things with, but I should never have elevated her to "best friend." I think now that she told many friends whom she let down or ignored that they were her "best friend." I ended the relationship 3 years ago by text. The text was several paragraphs long, reminding her of the above and several other things she had done to me. I told her that I cared about her, but I could not longer be loyal to someone who apparently only thought of me as an interesting option. She finally responded to the text 18 MONTHS later. Her reply, in its entirety: "I do miss you sometimes." Right. Thanks. I ignored it.

[@phoenixrising8007]

I had a narc bestie with same mindset, the world revolves around them. They only want you when they want you otherwise you don’t register

[@donwolfkonecny6727]

Wow that's amazing. Me too. She would call and text me all day and we spent every day and half day off together. Now she became friends with her new roommates. After not interacting for a month she stood me up twice this week. No apologies, just some meager excuses such as "we didn't really have plans" and "well you don't always get back to me right away"

[@aliyak4792]

This isn’t benign narcissism, it’s covert narcissism.

[@misottovoce]

@@aliyak4792 It is similar to but a milder version of a covert narc.

[@aspalathos8499]

I had similar friend. But i think she is between benign and covert. At the last phase she commented something about me in judgemental way but i think she was very jealous too. She was flaky too. Called me to come somewhere and then said that she didn't. Friendship didn't have a depth. Often she treated people as options. Plan a b c. She spent weekend with different friends and had to stay for the evening on her own on Sunday and was depressed of having nobody to spend these few hous at the end of busy weekend. I have never met someone so empty .

[@Maria-ws8mi]

Benign narcissist, is not as benign, when you are a child of one. My mother could be fun, at times, but she made a mother out of me at a very young age. I,not only had to mother my younger siblings, but the most damaging, I become half mother, half friend, depending what she needed at the moment , to her; she often shared gossip and thoughts about others, that should never have been shared with a child, like telling me at the age of nine that she thought my father was cheating on her. (which was completely untrue, but how does a child process that?) This really made me feel insecure and unprotected. As you mentioned, Dr. Ramani, my net became very large and I ended up marrying a narcissist, but I never really seemed to notice, until we had children and then all the childhood memories came flooding back, as I realized how he was so much like my mother. Thank you for your talks, they really have helped answering so many questions and explained many of my underlying frustrations.

[@elebea868]

Read the Emotionally unavailable mother .

[@EagleZtoTheGrave]

Christ, sounds too familiar... You're not alone, my heart goes out to you.

[@Moniranan]

Yes, I was my mother's best friend. She would say that all the time. She said we were soulmates. I was watching this video thinking "But my mom is so good, and I'm egoistical, maybe I'm the bad one" when I stumbled on you comment. My mother also carved a mother out of me and still is stuck at adolescence.

[@slitheringsoundcat7996]

Thank you for this comment. It woke me up to some ways I've been failing my own kids. I married a narc, and my mom was one, too. My kids are older(15 and 17) and my eldest is actually the one who woke me up to the abuse, because she started studying psychology, BUT, that doesn't mean I should tell them everything their dad is doing to us, even if we are best friends. I want my life to serve as a warning to them. But that's beside the point. Thank you so much for sharing, it opened my eyes a bit more. I have more apologizing and inner work to do. You're appreciated. 🖤

[@SaraFJones]

Yeah, I’m so confused by this!

[@nelumbonucifera148]

These are the overindulged ones who are used to being the centre of everyone’s universe and grow up to be insensitive and are constantly seeking attention to maintain that privileged position.

[@Erik7prc]

❤

[@beingme6249]

You are so right!

[@ruthvansandt9713]

Yeah that fits my mom as the youngest

[@teresarenee3829]

Children of alcoholics

[@jforrester1208]

AKA spoiled brats

[@barrycrowder]

And when you are married to one, you will realize that the talk of being "soul mates" that happened during the love-bombing stage somehow faded into a chronically unmet expectation. And if you have kids, then good luck trying to establish limits, and get used to being constantly frustrated. In fact, frustration will be come like a mantra.

[@phoenixrising8007]

Faded into chronically unmet expectations sums up a relationship with a narcissist

[@bobbiellison4315]

My last one cared so little about getting to know me on any kind of deeper level that he never learned my middle name. A few years into the marriage he gave it a wild guess and came up with his ex wife's middle name. That's when I realized he could be with literally anybody and be happy that he just had somebody,. The marriage kinda lacked that "special" feeling haha

[@carrieyu7346]

Frustrations intensified when you have SEN kids, then you poured all you energy to handle the therapies and related, and eventually the benign narcissist couldn’t handle more and showed his/her true colors, exploded unbelievably, and every true trait became crystal clear. It’s lucky to witness earlier than later.

[@symkoko1776]

@@bobbiellison4315omg ! My ex boyfriend (9years together) didn't even know my nationality! 😹😹😹

[@nolacanola]

I live with my parents right now and have a 2.5 year old. My dad is a benign narcissist and every time I set a boundary for my son he invalidates it right in front of him like “ohhh it’s not such a big deal! Let him eat another piece!” It’s so disrespectful and infuriating

[@neptunesdreams]

I used to call my father a "charming narcissist". Everyone loved him because he was fun. Including us children. But when we were adolescents, and stopped adoring him, he was off with his girlfriends and buddies. Please, Dr. Ramani, reconsider the term "benign", because it implies that they do no damage. My father drove my mother into serious mental health issues, and no one believes that he was the cause because he was so charming. Thank you for your videos. They are a life-line for those of us who had to live with these charming monsters.

[@jeanetteshawredden5643]

I would not call him benign, nor low range.

[@bellaluce7088]

Totally agree that "benign" is a misnomer. I'm sorry about your mom. I believe you. ❤❤❤

[@notagain779]

One troubling personality trait I've seen in several people, is that they believe you are trying to control them if they go along with your ideas on just about anything. They will be constantly pushing back at you, frustrating you seemingly on purpose, but usually it's their fear of feeling like the controlled one. Even if you are mostly accommodating to them, it will make them uncomfortable to do the same for you.

[@symkoko1776]

soooo true!

[@whyohwhy9679]

You say "A" and they can't help but say "B."

[@rubymaubert3605]

You truly are a world treasure. Thank you

[@yatenkun]

This compliment is also truth. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!

[@Eapp1480]

Facts Dr Ramani is the 🐐 A Godsend 🙏

[@Misses-Hippy]

This was my mother - proudly superficial, daughter of the silent one, granddaughter of the ice queen. I am so completely opposite and they failed me completely. Fact is, I was being abused and sensing their untouchability, I did not ask for help and "fell on my sword" for my mother's sake, as she seemed overwhelmed already. II thought I loved my grandmother, but now, I can only summon up pity, because she was unreachable, utterly superficial. I did not want to disturb her selfish world with my abuse problems. Thanks for letting me twist in the storm alone. It is hard to miss people who were never really there.

[@cianap.281]

I've been "friends" with some people like this, and it's true that they can add positively to your life if you accept that they have their limits. If you engage with them, the #1 rule I've found is to NEVER depend on them for anything. Don't count on them to be your ride home. Make sure you have something to eat even if they promise you dinner. Never agree to split costs with them when you're unable to pay the full cost yourself (because you may have to unexpectedly). Never plan a trip with them without backup plans and refundable tickets. Never wait to hear back from them before making your plans. Never ask them to pet sit. Never depend on them as a client (you know the situation, they say they'll hire you for a project, while in the meantime treating you as a friend and you're spending more time than you'd like because they're a client, but then the project or gig never materializes and you realize they just wanted someone to be extra agreeable to go bar hopping with). Never ever go into business with them. Still, once I protected myself from let-downs, they were fun and interesting, a much-needed foil to my overly cautious self.

[@bobbiellison4315]

The pet sit part made me chuckle. My last friend told she was coming over to my house the next day. Never called or showed but I got a text from her that she was camping last minute and wanted me to go sleep at her house to watch her dog. No notice, no invite to go with just hey, go stay with my dog. Normally I would come up with a valid sounding excuse but that time I just said no. I had to finally let go when my life got rocky. I never asked her for much in the way of help but she would get mad that I was unavailable for her or made her worry.

[@cianap.281]

@@bobbiellison4315 Oof, yikes! I'll bet the lesson she got from that was, "ok next time I'll drop the dog of AT the person's house so they can't say no."

[@lisa-mariegrote1728]

The question is...who wants that

[@bobbiellison4315]

@@cianap.281 I'm truly surprised that didn't happen!

[@anta3612]

I guess the mistake people make is when they try to form meaningful and mutually supportive relationships with these types of people. As long as you know from the start to keep a certain level of detachment I suppose there can be benefits on a superficial level which has it's place. Sometimes all we need is a little light hearted fun. As long as folks can determine early on what they can/can't expect from the "friendship" and decide whether it's something that can work for them. However, benign narcissists can cause damage too. Like all narcissists they can perceive any shift of focus from themselves (something even petty like if you turn down an invite because you have the flu or need to cram for an exam) as narcissistic injury and will respond with narcissistic rage and then watch out because they can turn into a very nasty enemy. After my own damaging experience with them I prefer to stay as far away as possible from them.

[@rocktheboatpaul]

I married a benign narcissist in 2015 and did not know what this was. I knew what a full blown narcissist was but not benign. She fits every single category you checked off here. Egocentric, selfish, immature, and at age 45 all she wanted to do was party. No depth. No intimacy. Finally because of the Covid-19 I was able to get the strength to leave her. She basically forced me out because she wasn't quarantining. She was going out to party and I was not going to risk her getting sick and bringing it back to me. I have happily filed for divorce. Thank you for this great video!! This makes so much more sense now. She was a spoiled girl since high school. Got that brand new car the day she turned 16 with her name on the license plate. I discovered that without trust and intimacy, and without any knowledge of her inner world, that this was not going to be someone I could connect with.

[@Violets14]

CNN has a small story about the prevalence of divorces over vaccine disagreements. A woman was told by her oncologist to get the vaccine but her husband wouldn't get it and although they had some normal ups and downs this is what had really severed things. I've had to let go of some toxic friends during COVID and I don't even know if my ex got the vaccine. I had to persuade him to get the yellow fever vaccine while traveling 3 years ago. People who don't want to get vaccinated are really at risk while traveling - so keep that in mind while dating. It definitely becomes a non-negotiable issue. There are party girls who will get vaccinated though - I know a wild one - but that's why these videos are so helpful with other behavioral nuances.

[@Kelzy777]

When I first met my psychologist he very quickly told me he thought my mother was narcissistic, and this is definitely my mother. I'm flooded with memories and examples. The one that stands out the most was when I was diagnosed with IBD. I was sick for 18 months, and I finally had a G.I. appointment which I knew about 1 month beforehand, but the day before I went to see the GI my mother flew 2 states away for a 2 week holiday in the sun - in Spring. I spent the week mostly alone in hospital. My father briefly visited twice and his gf rang my mother to abuse her for not being there for me. Related facts: Fathers gf also called ibd a personality disorder and convinced my father it was all in my head. I grew up surrounded by them. 🤦‍♀️

[@gnrncrue]

Dr Ramani, you come up with the MOST UNIQUE topics on Narcissism! Expands our knowledge and understanding of the topic (that no one else is doing on youtube)! Thank you!

[@s.s.8029]

Wow, so many true points here. These people do a lot of damage. I married into a family like this. They act so much better than what they are, always throwing around names of more influential people they are associated with (often acting like they are best friends with these people). They have done so much damage. They do look like the life of the party, but they are very superficial. I found myself throwing around names, but have since stopped. The more time I spent around them, I found myself acting like them and I didn't like it. They live in denial and never grow up and deal with life. They turn inward when something bad happens. They make jokes about very serious and sad things. I have also found that they have false empathy. Making themselves look good while they tear down others. I was constantly questioned about my parenting and I let it drag me down until I no longer recognized myself. I see a bit of all the different types of narcissism in them. I do not miss spending time with them.

[@anta3612]

The benign narcissist I knew would relish getting into deep and personal conversations with people who were hurting as this gave them the opportunity to learn about their vulnerabilities which they'd cash in on at some point in the future. The attentive ear they'd lend would also serve as validation because they'd get praised for being deeply spiritual, caring and supportive when in reality they had no empathy and were just being manipulative. The narcissist would also make up their own stories of personal tragedy in order to be more relatable to whoever was confiding in them. I knew the stories were invented but they worked like a charm for reeling in people who would end up as narcissistic supply. The narcissists' tales of woe also served another purpose: they were a platform from which they could feed their own sense of grandiosity while preaching "Look at me! See how strong, confident, positive and fun I am despite all the horrors in my life". I saw the fun as part of the charm/superficial glib aspect of this particular narcissist. Perhaps not all benign narcissists behave this way or perhaps there are subcategories also for benign narcissists.

[@mariogoldenuniverse]

Not sure "benign" is a precise term to describe this manifestation of narcissism. Perhaps "mild," "normalized," or "socially accepted" narcissism would be more accurate.

[@annamarie1942]

I understand that sentiment. I get why this form is referred to as benign when compared to the other forms of narcissism; however, if you are the child of one, especially if they are a single parent, I could see it being pretty troubling and confusing.

[@anta3612]

I agree. A relationship with this sort of narcissist can be just as harmful (though perhaps not as dangerous). The fact is that even a mild narcissist will react very strongly to even perceived rejection (like when you can no longer go along with their agenda, even though fun, due to important life commitments or a life changing illness). They struggle with genuine empathy and instead will feel slighted which can trigger narcissistic rage and then watch out! Despite the harm I've suffered at their hand, I do feel compassion for these individuals but they are impossible to have any sort of meaningful relationship with and any attempt to do so can result in a lot of damage for the non narcissistic partner.

[@nataliaturner4845]

I think "sociable" is better than "benign". Need to look up histrionic pd again bc I think they are in the same cluster as narcs, and seem very similar to this "benign" type, from what i recall.

[@saeranchoi3343]

@@nataliaturner4845 Histrionics were exactly what I thought of as well.

[@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023]

casual narcissist!

[@debiridgeway3609]

Thank-you have been in a relationship with a covert narcissist with a PhD in Anthropology who's blames everyone else for his short comings not being able to get employment smarter than everyone else in the world...wish could have found this before wasting 8 months of my life and allowing him to destroy my relationships and losing my job....life goes on will never allow him to come back....

[@retarteddwarf2182]

So many people are about as deep as a mud puddle. Keep them on a short leash and accept who you are dealing with. Think superficial and give them little to no responsibility in your life.

[@freespirit9806]

After I have recovered from being with a malignant Narcissist. I ran into a benign one and I had an allergic reaction. All Narcissists make me sick today. I cannot stand to be around them anymore.

[@pandora1151]

This is the ex that I wasted 15 years of my life with. I couldn’t see it for years because he wasn’t blatantly monstrous like my mother. But these ones will destroy your life too. This is also my *best friend* from high school until my 40s. They’re major energy vampires. Fun or not, it’s just not worth it.

[@dreamydisaster]

I am a narcissistic person. I watch these videos to sharpen my skills

[@amyjohndro5746]

I’ve had a friendship like this. I always hesitated to ever introduce a boyfriend to them, they’d immediately flirt, touch, tell sexual jokes, anything to make sure the attention and eyes were on them.

[@christianpulisic7784]

Amy Johndro,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!

[@bellaluce7088]

Yes, they are shameless. Took my "benign" narc friend somewhere expressly so she could check out my crush, and she did a whole bending over to show cleavage/"I'm a dumb wittle girl" act he ate up with a spoon. Disgusting. Might be handy, though, to check a guy's potential to cheat. I would never marry someone who fell for such BS. (Needless to say, crush over.)

[@vicaria119]

This is my mom. It was very harmful when I was a child, but now it is mostly just an irritation. She was extremely talented as a child and was treated as a trophy.

[@Elli-Mac]

This is spot on, almost a perfect description of my father. But he absolutely wreaked havoc on his three kids, on my mother, on his own family... I think they're benign only to the rest of the world, to the ones who see their entertaining/harmless mask! 😕

[@carstenkruse329]

My experience with this type of narc is they love to belittle you and call you out in front of others ( their audience ) just to look better!And they behave completly different to you when in front of other people than in a one to one conversation.

[@MichaelBroder]

Dr. Ramani focuses very much on the narcissist, and doesn’t really focus on the other person in the relationship. In my case, I am highly codependent. I prioritize my partner’s needs ahead of my own; I say yes when I mean no; and I have trouble setting limits and maintaining boundaries. I was married to a benign narcissist. But because I was so lacking in self-esteem and self-respect, my marriage to a benign narcissist became a nightmare. I was stuck in that marriage for 20 years before Al-Anon gave me “the courage to change” my marital status.

[@IzzyNChrist]

She does have videos on codependence but it sounds like her area of expertise is narcissism since they're everyone's problem. I think the angle she's using is to help others recognize it. It would especially help codependent people see where the pitfalls are before they engage someone like that.

[@isabelleparise5607]

If I could describe a relationship with a narc in general the pain is that it's like they ignore our existence. Exemple: I notice every time I feel more connected to nature and freedom etc... I have to protect myself from absorbing their narcs insecurities that would lead me in low negative vibes. They also try to isolate to control us. I also feel taking for granted. This video so true thanks.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

Oh these are the narcs ppl say we can "live with", if we "just ignore them", "expect nothing from them", etc. They themselves are not that toxic, but they are the breeding grounds/agar in the petri dish for toxicity if we are not careful.

[@nahmastay7497]

I agree and will add these might be the most manipulative to keep things in their favor and keep their victims in a mind fog

[@notagain779]

FirstHalfMoon 1734, I've seen them take small steps at first. They do a lot of testing to see how far they can go. Over time, they can be out of control unmanageable if their "targeted" person has been 'going along to get along.' It's a subtle grooming process, and they can shape shift as they go so it's not too noticeable.

[@phoenixrising8007]

I think these types can intensify if enabled

[@pegasus5148]

@@phoenixrising8007 I think the only way to "manage" these people is to Greyrock them and have an exit plan. Always work towards a position of no contact because the abuse will escalate. They want to ruin your life while pretending to care about you. Learn to spot them early. Notice if they have dead looking eyes. Do they bring you down? Narcs hate you being happy! Trust your gut. Cut out negative people. Either they cheer you on and are trustworthy or dump them!

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

@@notagain779 ya they think it's cute to keep pushing and pushing and pushing.

[@gracerc6154]

They can be ok to interact with at work or in groups, but to have them as friends ends up wasting your time and life, because the focus is on them and you supress yourself.

[@bellaluce7088]

100% agree.

[@nahmastay7497]

This is a 'mic drop', Dr R. No sooner than I learn about narcissism you shed a light on both my entire childhood and my marriage. I spent my childhood wondering why my mother was the way she was and I assumed it was because she had me so young but when I gave her grandkids she was so awkward with how to be a grandma. I'm in tears from this revelation.

[@sarahjohnson8514]

Nu Mo Awww. It’s sad but at least now you know. You’ll get through this.

[@ylarrymore]

This is my mom. She would eat candy in front of my then toddler & look her right in the face & say "mommy said you can't have any". It took everything I'm my soul not kick my own mother out of my house. Who the hell does that? Everybody knows kids want what you have. You share or wait until they aren't around. Then I remembered she did that to me as a child. She would flip out & say "omg, do you have to have everything I have?" Or she might break off a piece & say "here, now get out of my face!".

[@surfshack2]

Excellent explanation Dr. Ramani. Completely thorough. If i was your teacher i'd give your presentation an A+! All kidding aside, Thank you. You hit all the red flags to look out for. My ex was so good at deception I can't figure out if she was benign, covert or malignant. It's unbelievable. I think she was all of them at the same time and had a lifetime of experience and practice. Boy are they great liars. They're professionals.

[@jolly7728]

I knew a person who'd abandon others in time of dire need. A licensed nurse gave no advice, showed virtually no empathy, and took no action to help a family member choking on food at a restaurant. She had a strange grin on her face the whole time. The same person refused to offer a helping hand in cleaning up and repairing damage to a rental unit she co-owned after a psycho tenant nearly destroyed it. The "benign narc" was indifferent to these disastrous situations. She couldn't go deep. I learned not to depend on the person and always created a backup plan to make sure I could achieve all of my goals without her.

[@bobbiellison4315]

That doesn't sound very benign. More like evilish. Gosh watching a person choke with glee? I would steer clear of someone like that. Not that I don't have my on history with these tyypes, but they sure do teach us a lot!

[@2LittleSticks]

Watching a family member choking on food with a strange grin on her face? This sounds more like a psychopath characteristic.

[@jolly7728]

@@2LittleSticks Agreed, and really all of Cluster B plus Dark Triad. Same person who abandoned her home and all belongings to stay with a friend less than a mile away during a wildfire storm even though no evaluation warnings were given or ordered for the area, and other residents in the neighorhood appeared to stay put -- just like me.

[@jolly7728]

@@bobbiellison4315 Yes, one of the best "teachers" I ever had. That's a good way to look at it -- they're teachers! :-)

[@mwwhatever]

I feel like this can be even more damaging because it's easier to "fly under the radar" and never be picked up on

[@wdmfan]

Need more info on Benign Narcissist! Never heard of it. My ex was like this. Superficial relationship, all about bragging on social media! All about Fun, enjoyment, living the moment. After a while, it gets frustrating/tiresome to baby sit & take responsibility of everything behind the scenes.

[@bezejmennylotr6813]

First I thaught that my ex gf was a covert narcissist, but the description of a benign fits better.

[@diyem]

I was thinking my ex fit this description perfectly but I don't believe his family was rich. They may have let him get away with a lot of crap perhaps, maybe that's how he was created. Not sure, she didn't go into detail about other ways this disorder may manifest. Though sometimes I could go kind of deep with my ex when we were alone, he was the life of the party when with friends, rarely there when I needed him the most and many other things she discussed in this series. I used to think he seemed narcissistic but not as toxic as past relationships I had. I stuck it out with him for two years though it was exhausting and I questioned it greatly. In the end I'm glad we made the mutual decision to part ways, I still see him around sometimes but I don't get too deep with him, we just catch up as if we're old friends.

[@anta3612]

The tell tale sign that we're dealing with a narcissist is how they respond to a narcissistic injury. A narcissistic injury is any attention that is diverted from themselves. It can be as petty as turning down an invitation to a party that they organized because you have the flu or have to cram for an exam. Narcissists tend to respond to even perceived rejection with narcissistic rage which can turn them into a very nasty enemy. In fact if the response to narcissistic injury is not narcissistic rage then we're not dealing with a narcissist but just a very self centered and immature person. Narcissistic rage is what leads narcissists to harm others. The harm they cause can vary in terms of severity (from mere slander to more serious acts of aggression depending where the narcissist falls on the spectrum). For a narcissist "fun" is just another tool to be used to manipulate and obtain favor (narcissistic supply: which gives them the validation they crave and is the opposite of narcissistic injury) as well as to control others. It may seem harmless until you see what's really going on beneath the façade. After my own experiences, which caused a lot of damage to me, I prefer to stay as far away as possible from them.

[@anta3612]

@@diyem They don't necessarily have to come from a rich family. Even just being perceived as having unique/special qualities that make them the center of attention/put on a pedestal, and as a result be given special privileges compared to their peers, when they are growing up can help shape their personality. I tend to think, based on close observation of the narcissists I know, that there are also genetic factors that play a part and then the environment does the rest. There's one narcissist I knew (she is what might be considered a benign narcissist at least among her friends and acquaintances) who was deemed a child prodigy when she was young. She impressed and was spoiled and pampered by all the adults who met her. Not by her mother, though, who I know well and is a very grounded and balanced person. In fact her daughter would get angry and ended up very resentful and abusive towards her mother for not putting her on a pedestal like all the other adults. When she was growing up her mother would often get approached by other adults who would criticize her and tell her they didn't think she appreciated how unique her daughter was and, as a result of their opinion, would treat her as though she was not deserving of their respect in front of her daughter (while simultaneously praising her giving her the message that she needn't respect her mother either) thereby completely undermining her efforts to raise her in a balanced way which was already challenging enough as a single parent. Her mother did her best to raise her on her own as her father, who was a benign narcissist (I got to know him as well), couldn't do responsibility and therefore disappeared from their lives to pursue his own selfish interests when his daughter was very young. So the constant adoration from adults on the one hand and the undermining of her mother from the same adults as well as the abandonment by a narcissistic father (in addition to inheriting his genetics) on the other is what, I believe, created the perfect environment for this particular narcissist to flourish. I'm good friends with her mother who is now estranged from her daughter and heartbroken at how this all turned out. So sad.

[@ellenfoster9764]

My ex-husband was a benign narcissist. Always everyone’s best friend. But the negative side was that our children and I were expected to support the dog and pony show. Something popped into his head- we all needed to drop everything to accommodate him. He could be an absolute pest. We were always a distant second and third best in his life. The gaslighting was gentle, but it was still there. I functioned as his personal assistant, while working a full time job and essentially singly raised our two high need children, while he made it clear I was defective and not doing a good enough job. I ended up spending years desperately depressed, and he was annoyed by it. When I finally learned to set limits, I was discarded. The BEST thing that ever happened to me! I am no longer depressed. I have so much more energy and I’m so much happier without him.

[@OrganicAndrea]

My mother is one of these "benign" narcissists mixed with a sprinkling of covert (mostly the victimized part, but only when it suits her purposes). Please Dr. Ramani, don't say that a parent like this isn't really that harmful. This type of parent is terribly harmful. I'm nearing my 49th birthday, and I finally had to go no contact. She did plenty of damage to me. When I was a teenager, she sent me to counseling, because I was obviously the one with the problem. Nothing wrong with her, of course. When my eldest child was born, she decided that she didn't need me any more and then spent all of her energy emotionally hijacking my child from me. How can I win when I am trying to be a good parent (even though I never had an example of one) and this "benign" narcissist is criticizing me in front of or to my child and then indulging that child (because she is the fun one). My daughter is nearly 17 now and finally starting to see "behind the curtain." But, because of my "benign" narcissistic mother, my relationship with my daughter has been really difficult. Thank you so much for taking the time to delve into all of this and share your knowledge. It is truly a blessing!

[@ruthvansandt9713]

Yep 100% my mom. 💯 plus some malignant. Forget proverbial Disneyland, we had many season passes to multiple amusement parks through the years... I just wanted a mom and a deep conversation.

[@donnajoseph-barford1076]

I know parents like this. I told my son's to stay away from them and their kids. We did not need the drama. My son's listened.

[@joseenoel8093]

Congrats sugar! Did same to my daughter yrs back, they're still best friends and present roommates, thank goodness our kids listen sometimes aye sugar?

[@catblack4091]

Why punish a kid for the way their parent is? That's not right.

[@seforaker]

"Eternal spoiled children" 🤣 best description ever

[@christianpulisic7784]

seforaker,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!

[@elebea868]

For those who have immature parents, I suggest reading the Emotionally Unavailable Mother & 2) the emotional incest syndrome. I have a lot of people like this in my life and here we compartmentalize. Each person is good for one thing. Not BFF material but great cocktail friend. It’s harder with our parents, I’m undermothered. But there is a reason why they are emotionally stunt. We need to learn to reparent ourselves ( I’m doing that ).

[@carolinagriva8419]

Thanks for sharing this recommendation, I’ve read more about CPTSD and trauma. Perhaps it is time to inform myself in how to reparent. We will be better, already are by deciding that we need to learn what we lack. ☺️

[@G2thesecondpower]

Dr Ramani, as I listen to this (and the last video), I am concerned about something. I have ADHD, and a number of the traits you've mentioned, FOMO, extraversion, life of the party, etc--can all be traits of an extroverted ADHD person (totally me in my younger years). Not only that but forgetting school dates, not picking your kids up on time, being late, etc--are all things I struggle with as a person with ADHD. I assure you, I feel terrible about those things. I feel terrible when I let him down in any way. I also feel extremely self-conscious of the way these traits are interpreted by other people. The last thing anyone with ADHD needs, is for people to confuse these behaviors or symptoms of impaired executive function as narcissistic. We already get accused of this by people who refuse to accept ADHD as a real diagnosis. I (like many other ADHD kids who weren't diagnosed until adulthood), spent my childhood being labeled "selfish", which was damaging and unhelpful, so when we adhd'ers hear it in adulthood, it's re-traumatizing. On that note, I respectfully ask if you would consider making the distinction (however briefly) between ADHD and narcissism in your future videos. I think your channel is extremely informative and it's been a great help to me over the past few years. This is my only criticism. :)

[@debscornercanada]

I have severe ADHD (Finally diagnosed in 40;s) , /Suspected on Spectrum...Im about to start addressing (and am compiling material) to "bridge" the difference in "interpretations" of those with WITH ADHD/ASD compared to Neurotypicals (and how THEY would interpret or see this behaviour (and Im thinking mistakingly thrust us into being accused of being a Narcissist as well ) - as the great examples you gave above).. I would aslo add for ASD specifically (Mirroring and "lack of empathy") - which ive learned are "narcissistc traits" ...) as Ive discovered MANY of us are PRIME targets for these people throughout their lives (some-unlucky ones or uneducated ones -sometimes without ever even realizing these type of folks even EXISTED (I never did -and some days am still shocked frankly) .

[@alyqat4]

same.

[@KD-ou2np]

Wow.. while I definitely have some bad habits I picked up from being raised by total narcissists, your statement made me realize I'm probably beating myself up too much. Life is so hard sometimes, keeping up with school, work, trying to have healthy relationships, to behave normally... i really beat myself up for my mistakes that are due to adhd because I'm so worried I'll become a shitty person like them if I stop being hypervigilant.

[@phatfairy6535]

Thank you for this comment! I have ADHD as well and I'm also autistic so I really struggle with certain things like lateness or forgetfulness. I think a big distinction between ADHD and narcissism is intentional manipulation, attempting to get reactions out of their "narcissistic supply", etc. ADHD people are often labeled as "selfish" because we struggle with time management, executive function, dopamine production, etc. but clearly, our reasoning behind our actions is much different. Being late for things, not remembering things, etc. is a very real symptom of ADHD, we aren't doing it because we simply don't care or only care about benefiting ourselves, unlike narcissists.

[@nidiashalabi2036]

They may look similar on the surface if you only have an acquaintance with the person, however there is a HUGE very apparent difference- one is very distracted and constantly guilty about not paying enough attention to others (ADHD), which can lead to feeling less-than. On the other hand the narc will always remind others about their greatness, something ADHDers are very unlikely to do because we are always aware of our apparent shortcomings. ADHDers may also apologize Lira because we either lost our train of thought, we were late when we just had time blindness, or because we may have forgotten to text back. Narcs won’t really do that. It will always be the world’s fault and in the end, they will flip the circumstances on you where YOU are the evil, ego-centric one. You see here how over time it will become very apparent which it is.

[@christineroberts8094]

This was really helpful. I was beginning to wonder if I was seeing everyone through a narcissistic lens but this has helped me understand a bit more. Now I realise there is a scale of narcissism. My mother was the grandiose kind, my sister the vulnerable kind...my father the enabler. Me...I havd been in 2 significant malignant narcissistic relationships. And now in my 60s Im free of all of the obvious ones... but seeing the pattern in other relationships. It reverberates on. And I want stop bejng the "echo" to the narc...Thank you for your insight and wisdom. C

[@irshikha]

I'm a survivor, on a way to thrive. 💪🏽 I know, If I can do it, you all can! 🔥 It might sound crazy, but I think that everyone that's a narcissist-magnet must come across a strong damaging narcissist, once in their lifetime. 🤔 The reason is: we have been so primed to take the abuse that it doesn't feel so, unless someone thrashes us left, right and centre. It's deeply agonizing, but a wake-up call. 🔔 Apart from getting healed from the abuse of one narcissist, we get trained in escaping such monsters in future. 🏋️ The universe has loads of energy for you, you need not depend on any sadist to derive it from. 🌞 More power to all the good people out there! 🌍 You CAN do it! 💜

[@sarahjohnson8514]

I have a friend like this. I’ve learned not to rely on him. I have also learned to do the same when he needs me. Sad, but true.

[@notagain779]

Sarah, It's good that you keep it balanced. I also have a friendship like this, but I don't think for much longer. Do you feel his friendship is still worth it to you?

[@sarahjohnson8514]

Jeanog I’ve been re-evaluating things. Not sure yet at this point. With the pandemic, I have seen nobody. LOL. Hope you’re doing well.

[@sarahjohnson8514]

Jeanog We hardly ever see each other. I know his family and grew up with them. Talk more to his mom. Just going to leave it as is. I accept the limitations and I have my boundaries in place. Otherwise, I have ended toxic friendships for a few years now. It’s been so peaceful. :)

[@lindamcginn699]

Yup you're one of my good friends, not my best friend but certainly up there! She said. That's when I walked away. Now she's no longer my friend, not up there or anywhere!

[@AZDC99]

"They try to keep you in the FRIENDZONE as a parent." Here's my 5 minutes. NOW GO AWAY, again! BTDT. Got the gold plated t-shirt too. "Your parents 'empathy' ONLY has to do with THEMSELVES!" I couldn't have said it better myself when you said" friendzoning you as a parent." That's exactly how I feel! It's easy (for me) not to tolerate in 'romantic' relationships. But I can't deal with it another areas any longer

[@heidibeale4624]

Just a note of thanks. I’m able to understand and establish boundaries in my personal life and in my career, law enforcement. I’m surrounded by narcissistic behavior.

[@heidibeale4624]

And honesty, I see a little bit of these traits in myself.

[@AwkwardWhispers]

When I confront my boyfriend about his opinions on the deeper topics of life, he deflects by saying that he values "stoicism". I'm treading lightly with this one.

[@happycook6737]

I would run in the opposite direction. Stoicism may mean boyfriend expects you to put up with horrible treatment or conditions. Who wants to live this way? Not me.

[@caffeinejones3513]

Interesting. This video actually helped me to understand someone who has traits of malignant narcissism, and is charming and even glamorous. He's got a sort of Jekyll/Hyde thing going on. People point out his "good" traits to me. You've just put his "good" traits in context. I've never been comfortable with his good side, and now I realize why. Thanks.

[@anta3612]

There are some very malignant narcissists out there who are very good at appearing benign. However, you only find out how truly "benign" they are when their narcissistic rage is triggered. Where they fall on the spectrum will determine to what extremes they will go to wage war against you if you happen to cause a narcissistic injury. The level of injury is very subjective to the narcissist and depending on the individual even a mild (perceived) one can be grounds for merciless and relentless cruelty towards you. Unfortunately none of their "good" traits can make up for this aspect of their personality and I don't think any narcissist is safe to be around long term.

[@JudyLBeres]

Sounds like my childhood best friend. Called her because I was upset and she said, “Sounds like a personal problem to me.” Haven’t spoken to her except for surface well wishes for 20 years.

[@whoever6458]

Now I understand why I've come to the belief that no one can be relied upon. Thanks.

[@diodio520]

It is amazing to watch how directionality is messed up with a narcissitic parent and an infant during the attachment phase. I am not sure how benign this is, but instead of allowing that infant to attach to themselves, they attach themselves to that infant. It looks as if they are getting high from that overwhelmed neediness of a child willing to please just to be allowed close. It is disturbing to watch how they parasite on that infant's biological programming and need, but the moment first signs of independence show up, they reject him or her, the interest plummets to an absolute zero - gosh, they are such ugly parents. I wish I would understand what is that high they are getting from this utter cruelty, and it cannot be good for a child - it's so wrong at so many levels - it cannot be good for that child. 😢

[@MajinSayon]

Narcs LOVE being deified, and parents are gods to a child. Also, children are malleable, and thus easy to raise into an eternal enabler (a codependent). This is why narcs love having (but not raising) children: to have brainwashed slaves.

[@elfglow4557]

Yeah. You just described it well. That’s my mom too. It’s so sad, it’s just so easy and so difficult. We could have had just a normal mom and everything would be different. Anyway.... I feel that moms like you described at least that’s what I see in my mom is that she didn’t feel needed in childhood so she makes sure that she is now. She helps everyone so people need her, she doesn’t want me to be independent so I need her. She doesn’t see the devastation it causes others and she is not aware she is doing a bad thing. She is just following her “feel good” can’t stand being alone thing. She told me she cannot air still to think because thinking hurts. She can’t stand being hurt so she distracts herself and makes sure to feel needed.

[@h.borter5367]

Yes.😟 I've known a "few" of these. They were also the ones to make you feel bad about yourself and bullying you behind your back.

[@sarag.5093]

Stories, similar to a situation I have lived through and seen, of narcissistic women usually between 25 and 35 years old who have fits because another of their close family or friends get married, move up in their career, good relationship with their significant other, get pregnant, etc...and then their narcissistic behaviours really shows.

[@xeofalconm.shields5197]

I been watching your series. I been seeking help why my relationships dont last more than a few months. Its because I believe to be this type of narcissist. Although. I am very reliable when friends need me. Also I am obsessed with paying bills in full on time. Emotionally I am stuck in puppy stage at 43. Most people think Im in my 20s. I been going on vacations alone because my parents are too old for theme parks. Most of my friends have their own familys. For 2 years I havent dared to date anyone because I know I will ruin it. I believe its best taking myself out of the water supply and admire it from affar. I will continue to learn from watching your videos. They helped me to be aware of my bad behavier before it happens and stop myself. I now think how people will or would react before I say/do things. I will continue to practice this. Thank you for being you.

[@cristiful1O1]

This totally makes sense: the lack of depth, white lies, superficiality, emotionally limited, immaturity and gaslighting (lite) . They really don't have the time of day for you when it really counts. Over the long term it is gravely disappointing. As someone whose life's goal is to grow and be a better human, they're not the ones to stick with. Love this! The only way is "understand their limitations." Thank you!!!

[@jeanetteshawredden5643]

Yes. My 41 year old son fits this description. I only moved to a "suburb" 50 miles near him 8 months ago, for first time since he started college 20 yrs ago. Yikes! I clearly "see" who he is now that I am up close and personal. 😔 sad. Guess we will continue to have the same superficial "long distance" relationship as the previous 20 years -- if HE feels like it. He hasn't decided yet - otherwise for years he treated me as an invisible person for holidays, birthdays, mothers day etc, texts, emails, phone calls. Ghosting they call it now. I had hoped the relationship ship would be better. Silly me. Guess not.

[@wolfgangk1]

WONDERFUL. A fantastic choice for a personality type that's rarely if ever articulated. !,000,000 Thanks.

[@kathy-annhart2632]

This really gave me so much perspective on my ex. He is definitely a benign narcissist. One thing I would add is that he did still seem to want what he couldn't have, meaningful relationship, especially when HE was in dire straits.

[@laokoon303]

I dated a girl who fits this characterization . I had and still have some acquaintances that fall into the 'grandiose', 'vulnerable' categories and they were easy to pinpoint as such, but this person's 'problem' remained a mystery. She is very pretty and even more well-kempt and chic than pretty. She is really in her element when there's a larger audience, especially when we were talking and were obviously overheard by others. She laughs a lot, she's very glib and well-informed; she is all for fun. BUT all the time I spent with her, I had the feeling that it's unreal, a fake. She never really hurt me, or played foul, she shit talked other people from time to time, a little more than my friends would, but most of the time not even that. It was a pleasant thing to hang out with her, only it felt totally false, or plastic, or I don't know.,, Whenever we hit upon something sad, tragic, she talked seriously, her face expressionless, and with the first chance to laugh it off she broke role and got back to the cheerful lollipop style; she never brought such tough things herself. It was very hard to tell her that I don't want to go on with this relationship and I couldn't ever tell her the real reason (that it all felt like a parody). Thanks, Dr Ramani for this and all the free lectures!

[@UsmanMalik-hn3jg]

Dr. Ramani is an elder sis I wish I had instead of the narcassist sister I have, a friend I had instead of narc friend. Dr. RAMANI is a blessing to heal the pain of all of those who are hurt via these narcassists people who are so close to us but soo aloof and in thier heads. Dr. Ramani is a healing hand and voice. Thanks for all of your videos.. its charity work for those who are in huge emotional and psychological losses 😪😪😘😘

[@septemberdawnluketz]

Oh wow, I didn’t realize there was a specific type of narcissism to describe this dynamic. I know quite a few people like this. My sister in law fits this mold to a tee. My mom does too. Wow, not to mention one of my closest friends. I never knew how to categorize those obnoxious behaviors before. Makes total sense.

[@BastettheGh0st]

I had no idea this was a type. This is making so many💡's go off. It's been so hard to pin down my last fling, why it was so weird. When it was over and I had regained myself-- I was in a state of "How did I not see the ugh of this whole thing earlier?" Because it's SO obvious of a one trick pony, now that I see it.

[@donwolfkonecny6727]

Because when you are in it, it is NOT ugh, it is "wow this is amazing and SO much fun!" It was the same for me. It's like drugs. A massive high and then a massive comedown.

[@symkoko1776]

@@donwolfkonecny6727 true! But I think recovering from these narcs is actually the easiest...

[@tmama1747]

Im always there when someone needs me. That's my codependency. I feel the need to rescue and help people all the time.

[@teresarenee3829]

I am the same...but I dont think it is co dependancy, its being a caring, highly empathic person who cannot stand to see people struggle or hurt...which is why we are perfect for a narc.

[@RevolutionaryThinking]

I think this fits my father to a tea. He was never abusive or hurtful but, he never went deep with me. He was more of a friend when what I really needed was a dad.

[@gigiarmany]

imo..benign narcs can do just as much damage as malignants with their passive agressiveness.. -not showing up for sick kids -not paying bills & hiding it -not keeping promised & lying about it -"losing" important documents -not showing up to very important appointments -constant lying about everything -putting kids in harms way & hundreds of other ways "benign"narcs wreck havoc on their family's lives ,there's nothing benign about it to me😒😒

[@catherine1756]

Legit question: how do I stop caring about them so deeply? These types of people presented themselves as if they WERE ready to be deep, but in the end, they fit these exact description. I'm so tired of being let down and can't seem to get away from it.

[@donwolfkonecny6727]

Dr, Ramani said something that rings true for me "narcissism is an insecure person taking advantage of another insecure person - the first person overcompensates and the second under-compensates". I'm 49 years old and after watching these videos I', finally acknowledging I've been insecure my entire adult life. The way to stop caring so deeply about them? Go make your life awesome!

[@beautydefined1601]

Focus on your own peace, joy and intimacy with God. Narcissists lack these things.

[@nataliekohler7988]

You can keep caring for them, yet know this..... They will never give back unless it's a temporary ploy to keep you enlisted. And once enlisted again, maybe engaged or married they actually made a temporary effort to consider your wants and needs they will gradually reset the situation back to thier favor, thief world. You will once again be thier sidekick, handmaid so they can have thier cake and eat it too. They will mostly treat you decent if your a nice little doormat and don't bring up problems, or voice your needs or desires that are unmet. And if you do bring up problems they will mostly lighthearted change the subject to themselves again. If you leave then suddenly they pay attention. And they will go over the top to treat you right until they have you once again in thier clutches, they will then dismiss, forget and disregard you, your feelings. You'll be just fine loving them if you live life according to thier vision. Disclaimer: if you get angry or call them out for thier neglect you will be told your crazy or you have issues. And when your not around they will always do what they want even if your in an intimate relationship and they will pretend they want a partner. No what they want is a doormat or a sidekick.

[@michelletetreault6119]

But be careful for communal narcissists if u go to church lmao

[@susiesunshine4982]

Realize that they are insincere in the things they say to you. They say them to reel you in and keep you in their sphere. And they say those things for one reason: to get a response from you that makes THEM feel good. They will flatter you and tell you how important you are - but you're only important when they need you, not when you need them. Once you realize that they are actually being superficial and are not capable of true intimacy, perhaps you can let go.

[@cwayzums]

Man, I wish that despite having an abusive childhood (due to my narcs) at least I lived the lavish lifestyle with vacations and fancy boat rides, but nope. It was about whatever made my mother look good in terms of reputation so she bought us clothes that wouldn’t ruin her reputation. She called them “church clothes” and yes we went to church (dressed up to the heavens). She even forced us kids to join the church choir. She only let us wear jeans and sweaters when she knew that non of her coworkers would be attending church in the afternoon masses. She knew their shifts and knew their schedules.

[@spunstelele]

I know these people, and they can even suggest if you want to talk deeper, something is wrong with you, and that you have psychological problems.

[@SA-rn4ex]

Superficial people deserves superficial friendship. I've do take note 📝👍

[@lakeatman504]

Her video keeps me calm , is always better to step away from Narc

[@rae717]

Two siblings would fall into this category, but the way it manifests is in the way they ignore, minimise, or invalidate any concern I bring up. They circle the wagons and tell me I'm too sensitive or say that they were doing the best they can. They never invite or welcome me directly into their activities and expect me to invite myself, in which case they are forced to "make room" for me. If I say nothing, I'd never be included. When I bring up this point, they are indignant and say "But you know you are always welcome!" In my book that's called Double Speak. Their actions tell me that they wish I'd go away because I make them uncomfortable by holding them accountable for all their selfish immaturity.

[@desirabbit6869]

If you're with a benign narcissist please don't minimize the potential danger of being with one. I was married to someone who fits this description for ten years. It slowly went from happy-go-lucky annoyance, irresponsibility and instability, to become a situation of emotional abuse, infidelity, neglect, and finally him encouraging me to kill myself and threats of suffocating me in my sleep. (I wasn't argumentative or confrontational, I was a doormat essentially). It has taken me years of work to recover from this kind of narcissist. I feel a little invalidated listening to this because the emotional abuse was horrendous and yet he wasn't one of the verbally malicious types. He was like the kind of abuser that punches where it won't show, he knew exactly where to cause me the most emotional damage, but in a way that always had plausible deniability. I recently read the book by Ted Bundy's ex-girlfriend and I think that if a professional had examined Bundy without any knowledge of his murders, he could have been mistaken for a benign narcissist (Obviously he wasn't one) but Bundy's outward behavior conformed to this image. What I'm saying is, please be careful. Some of these aren't really benign, sometimes it's a mask for a more dangerous pathology. Sometimes I wonder if my ex was really a benign narc or something closer to a sociopath.

[@TheEminem1212]

I recently found out that being associated with my benign narcissist was keeping me from being accepted into other friend groups. And I know that I've made the same decision in other circumstances. The guilt by association is tricky.

[@joycej928]

My boss, for sure. Thank you for explaining what I couldn't quite put my finger on about him. ALWAYS doing the cool thing, going to the right places, doing the fabulous stuff. None of us can come near to his more glamorous life. An amazing schmoozer, keeps the party going but don't expect deep respect, standing up for the department, his staff, adult stuff - too much work.

[@christianpulisic7784]

joyce j,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!

[@seradult5928]

i worked for 6 years with someone like this. For awhile, I had hope she would eventually do her job and I would receive some support from my supervisors. Never happened! I finally learned to lower my expectations and stop trying to do everything myself. It was difficult, but I learned how to work with her and save myself a lot of grief when I accepted her limitations

[@susiesunshine4982]

This really helped me understand one half of a couple that we are friends with. My husband has known her for years, I met her when we married. She's the social butterfly, life of the party, always knows the fun things to do. We're her "very dear friends" that she loves to see and loves to spend time with, but it's all on her terms. She'll only spend small amounts of time with anyone, don't press her to be close, don't press her to do things more often. She's great at deflecting any of our ideas about getting together. She suggests fun things we might do together in the distant future ("Let's join a golf league! Call me in February and we'll sign up together") and then "Oops! Too busy" "Oops! Made other plans, so sorry". The contradiction was driving me crazy - does she want to be friends or not? She's confided a few times how another friend or family member was upset with her because they want a closer relationship or feel that she's blowing them off and her response is "How dare you. I am fortunate to have a lot of friends. And you have no right to criticize me just because I'm so busy." And she'll pout at how mean and unfair they are. She's also confided things that reveal she is deeply insecure. I watched this video over a year ago and it has made all the difference. She asks us to do something with them about once every six weeks and that's fine with me. She is fun and he's a sweetheart. I don't initiate get-togethers much anymore, but I'm happy to accept an invitation if we're free. And we do have fun. Actually, we have more fun now because I no longer worry about our relationship. And I have increased empathy for her because I realize she's this way because she's just not capable of real intimacy. And now I can enjoy her company knowing not to expect anything more.

[@eddievongrape2177]

I was in a really crappy relationship with a benign narcissist for years, and what you described here is absolutely spot on. Except that he really could be extremely manipulative, toxic, gaslighting and abusive when things didn't go his way, revolve all around him, or I had any needs of my own. We could never celebrate any of my wins in life. When anything went really well for me he would sulk and throw a massive pity party or a tantrum, so that the moment had to revolve back around him. My needs were invisible. He had no empathy and totally lacked awareness of other people, was profoundly selfish and shallow. He could also be cruel when he wanted to, and took pleasure in that. When I made a firm decision to end the relationship he escalated his manipulation and tantrums to a new level, including a big public meltdown over me that went on all night at a public event I was performing at, in order to show everyone how bad I was for leaving him. Luckily I was met with plenty of support, which surprised me at the time, but looking back I can see that loads of people were well aware of his BS and he really was generally disliked in the community. I still struggle at times with the shame and embarrassment I feel over staying by his side for so long, but I'm also proud that I got away.

[@randomcrap4230]

Man, this was my "best friend" of 25 years to a t! It took me a long time to realize I was doing it because I was so used to having to sort of bow to my vulnerable narcissistic mother's every mood and desire and whim that I became a people pleaser to everyone and completely disregarded my own needs and feelings. My "best friend" and I had been "friends" since we were 12. We were always together. And I always let her decide what we did, what we listened to, what movie we watched....everything. I would find myself so incredibly bored at her house most of the time because nothing she picked out would be interesting to me, but she never asked if it was and I never made it known either. Into adulthood, any time I would try to confide in her about deeper things that were heavy on my mind and ask for support, i would get interrupted mid sentence so she could tell me about some.band/show/movie she liked or show me something she made that day...anything to spin the focus back on to herself. I started to get really resentful of that after awhile, and I still never said anything because at the same time, we had a lot of fun together. After she had her first son, It became nothing for her to ask me to make an hour round trip drive to her house twice a week to watch her son for her while she worked part time because "i was the only one she could trust" but if *I* would ask *her* to drive the same distance to *MY* house literally twice a *YEAR* on days that were important to me, she would throw a fit and tell me I was being selfish to expect any time from her. She would call me to watch the kids at 1am when she needed to go to the hospital and i jumped out of bed to help because that's someone I considered a sister and that's what you do for a sister. But when *I* needed help, she never answered the phone. When i was going through the worst time in my entire life and had to move house in about 2 weeks time because my house was getting foreclosed after I lost my job, she canceled on helping me move the day she was supposed to show up "because she had a bad dream that night and needed to go get therapy for it." And then when I started doing a lot of self discovery a few years ago and stopped being such a doormat, suddenly I was "too negative" for her. (Apparently not awkwardly laughing off her overtly racist jokes and calling them out for exactly what they were and suggesting that she....you know...NOT be racist is "negative.") We went from speaking every single day to her literally just completely ghosting me without warning or explanation last year,because apparently our 25 years of friendship didn't even mean enough to her to warrant an adult conversation. She just blocked me on her phone and Facebook and disapppeared out of my life one day because I was no longer useful to her. Didn't give a shit that her kids were bonded to me and called me Aunt Lindsey and that it was going to hurt them too. It's been a year and a half and I still dream about and cry about those kids. They were lile my own kids...i'd die for them, and it's unfair and selfish AF of her to do that to them.

[@beverlyirish7510]

Thank you Dr Ramani, for explaining what is benign narcissists friends. You have said so much that I can relate to. Understanding it makes it easier to protect yourself when interacting with these kind of selfish friends

[@tracydanneo]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani! I have a benign & grandiose combo at work who are burning through my bandwidth. This video helps so much. 💕

[@traxikscifi8105]

My name is Benigno, got worried about the Title, but you are true as always, i met one, 20 years of friendship, i dumped him(hetero), 4 years now, never spoke to him again. He cries to other 'friends' about how much he misses me and does not understand why i did what i did... I didn't know either, until now, but you just described him, thank you! I' m relief, for my decision.

[@smurfmama2020]

I’ve never actually seen one of these benign types really be benign. They suck the oxygen out of people around them including their kids, and I’m not sure if that’s really benign. Being totally unconscious of ones actions and how they effect others can never really be benign. Or maybe I’m misunderstanding

[@feefeeali4945]

I think the benign comes from the idea that there's types that don't end up screwing you out of money/dignity/sanity on a scale that leaves you with acute wounds and scars to heal. I want to say that the stuff about kids doesn't belong in anything called "benign". I know there's some videos about narcissists and kids but would love more about the effects on children and how to deal with this. My kid was struggling, played a bit of these videos, she saw her dad instantly. Controversial to do for an 8 year old. But now she can spot them, understand, and isn't bullied as much at school by, oh my, kids of narcs raising narcs. It's a lifeskill.

[@cardinalflower6959]

IMO you're not misunderstanding a thing. In fact I think your description of sucking oxygen out of their surrounding--including the people--is spot on.

[@elfglow4557]

Ok well I can only talk about my mom. She was nothing like benign in my life. I was emotionally neglected and ignored all my life as well as criticized. However she will never kick me out of house for instance. She will never say no to something I articulate I need (as long as it’s not emotional) she helps everyone, she will literally help you over and over again, anything as long as you like her and she feels needed. But her need of being needed and “help” left me dependent on her (amongst many other things) and it’s very damaging. But she sees none of it. She just has “kind” actions. She wants to be likes and helpful so she feels needed and valued. It’s soooo sad how much she tries because if she doesn’t she has to think and thinking is something she dreads the most. She told me so. Otherwise she is just as selfish as any other narc. She just won’t do something that she knows is considered harmful in society. She just doesn’t understand why it’s even harmful. But other than that when it comes to emotions she is blind to your emotions. She doesn’t care. She cares for you to like her.

[@breadfan_85]

13:15 one area where my best friend really displays this narcissistic injury is when we play board games. She likes to cheat her way to winning, and God forbid anybody call her out on it. When someone does, her response is to just pack the game up and then be in a pissy mood the rest of the evening, until everyone just decides that we're not having fun anymore and call it a night.

[@healthyquadrant6587]

I've actually experienced this sort of thing where people participated in only those superficial things at a church I was a part of, yet, when I needed them the most they scattered and were unavailable. Many others in the church have experienced the same thing that I had within the church. One person I talked to claimed that it was the "culture" of the church but that the doctrine of the church was sound. When I discovered that the doctrine was hogwash I had no issues leaving that organization that took 10% of my hard earned income without any gratitude for my devotion...in fact it was expected of me and was even a part of being "worthy" to go to their temples. What makes it even more frustrating is that they preach "gratitude" and yet they don't practice what they preach. So, no, not just culture, but also doctrine made this particular church toxic. So many members of that church...it was a mile wide and only an inch deep.

[@rocktheboatpaul]

I knew what church you were talking about before you even mentioned tithing. Good for you to get out!! Best thing I have done in my life. Empathy and listening are not welcomed traits there. Obedience to the rules mattered most. It is still very hard for me to talk with my family members who are all still members. The don't have a lot of depth to be able to step away from the ideas just to talk about them in theory. It is very cult-like

[@healthyquadrant6587]

@@rocktheboatpaul Thanks Paul. Might I suggest a religious transition meetup that you might find support in?

[@privateprivate8366]

Yep, definitely my stepfather. I feel he became that way by being the son of a man who made a name in his country and my stepfather went on to make a name for himself in his field. I saw the effects on my mother, who has become a covert, malignant narcissist. This video, however, also teaches you that it’s a reality that you must have tiers of friends. I only have acquaintances but, even those are in tiers. I know enough about them to understand what they are and are not wired for and capable of. I don’t try to change them because they’re comfortable being who they are. But, I also know that I have to set my expectations of them to protect myself. I know that one person on YT once said to me, “I don’t know. People can surprise you!” I replied, “Unfortunately, yes, I know...”

[@anns9549]

This describes my boyfriend all the way. From his privileged upbringing, to his lack of depth, his overly playful ways. Everything is a game and he runs from seriousness. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@nachovinssac8848]

Why they don´t change? People go to therapy to change, I get is difficult, but... can´t they work their insecurities when they are adults? Is it as simple as they do not want to change? EDIT: In my case, my father is a covert specialized in victimhood (of course) and baiting. Since always, when asked to change something his answer was "I´m too old to change"; I´m already in my 40´s and he´s been my model of "how not to be like" since I was 12. Recently (thanks a lot Dr. Ramani, I already bought your first book and I´ll get the last one too) I realized that: 1 - first, the worst thing you can do is listening to his explanations: most of the time his "reasons" are just fabrications, sometimes with logic, most of the times, they are just absurd. 2 - he, actually, does not listen. I just realized of this just months ago. I was suprised; I though I "knew him", but... without patterns to recognize there were A LOT of info that was just ignored. My theory is that, actually, they do not "need" to change. Why do I change? Normally bc something is not working out, but... for him, his strategy has worked out, I´ll say, quite good. For example, one of my sisters still gets suprised with some of his mean comments, and if you even tell her "Do you still do not know him? He has been always like that" she is blind to it. I consider her a "little" enabler.

[@religiohominilupus5259]

Apparently, it's a bit more complicated since many narcissists seem to lack insight. Hence, they don't see anything wrong in their behavior. The fact that when being approached about having narcissistic maladaptations, they sustain narcissistic injury, their defenses go up, and they can slip into more severe maladaptations, shows how complex this disorder is.

[@joshuawong9157]

To much shame. I am one of these narcissists. But one day, something really really bad happened to me. Then someone whom I've known for a long time helped me without shaming me like my mother did. I was bewildered. That's when my eyes were opened. I was the problem all along.

[@joseenoel8093]

They're superior!

[@marmadukescarlet7791]

ReligioHominiLupus it’s the lack of insight is the reason these conditions are classified as disorders. Otherwise, they would just be seen as a$$holes.

[@JoC-mp6sf]

Joshua Wong , you may not be a true narcissist. They never change, no matter what. It sounds like you just suddenly grew up.

[@רבק-ג7ע]

Mine is probably super benign. It was a very one sided relationship, with no intimacy, but not bad at all from my perspective. I was love bombed, devalued, and discarded for another man (super wealthy). Mind you, we were engaged and owned a house together. She married three months after I moved out. But all the red flags were there...she would say "I am not a good person / I can't promise you more than 10 years, bc I get bored and will jump to the next relationship / my passion is power and money / I got with my ex (I was her 4th) bc I thought I could control him / all these male friends are my harem and I am their queen...literally, over several years. She did have a very invalidating mother as a child. I think that is where it came from. I hope she can find healing.

[@joseenoel8093]

Thank you. Our gratitude is never ending! Omg, imagine the stuff they say, so inappropriate to your proper mind set.

[@BaskingInObscurity]

These two videos have been revelationary for me. This type describes my mother when things are good and she's at her best. Plus it resolves the weird dual personalities of dark mom and creepily lighthearted socialite. Unfortunately for us kids, she married after knowing my dad for six weeks, filed for bankruptcy while I was an infant, split and got back together a few times, and eventually discovered how badly my dad suffered from severe CPTSD and being bipolar type 1-cue ensuing dramas, divorce, and his suicide when I was 10 and my brother 7. There was so much wrong with her life while we were kids that we ended up depending on my grandparents, my grandmother being a community and regimented narcissist. The result was less of the embarrassing boundariless life of the party and more the overbearing authoritarian mom resentful she didn't get to be the model housewife. She would rebel sometimes at the regimentedness of my military and Methodist grandparents, sometimes making a spectacle of herself, but sometimes in us kids' favor-although she still managed to do it in a self-centered way, like everything else. You get it where you can, though. I'm no longer on the fence, anyway, that my mother would probably be diagnosed BPD with heavily narcissistic parenting habits. No, she's NPD. Now I see that she normally wobbles between benign and grandiose, while circumstances morphed her behaviors to dark mode. Does that also fit the shadow model? OMG, it's like all the puzzle pieces just fell together like a puzzle explosion video playing in reverse. Thank you. This absolutely will help me continue to sort out my own issues, as well, just by better understanding my environment.

[@therenegadepianotechnician5170]

I have a friend like this. He likes to laugh and joke around.hedonistic, Life is a party. He brags alot, always makes excuses when he loses or fails at something. He's not very mean but often goes too far teasing certain people intentionally when he knows he can push thier buttons out of his own enjoyment. He can be generous and rescue bugs and horseshoe crabs. .Most see him as a likeable clown and accept the behaviour. Many dislike him. I dont defend his bad behaviour.

[@purpleiguana208]

I think this is definitely what best describes my MIL. She definitely has narcissistic qualities, but they are sort of qualities of the variety that make you think, "yeah, but it's not that bad... maybe I'm overthinking it... maybe she's just a little overbearing." But at the heart of what she does, there absolutely is that lack of closeness, that lack of empathy, she more focuses on the things that interest her, tries to get all of us to take part in activities that she likes, doesn't really pay attention for long to the things that we like, pretty superficial and cares more about how things look than actual content or actual enjoyment, etc. If we're all sitting around the table, leaning in and smiling, then we're all having a good time. No, it's not that it was a posed photo and most of us are willing to take a few seconds and slap a smile on our faces. No photo is candid, it's always posed. Stand here, sit there, etc. I always called her a "jovial bully," because she always was pretty pushy... but in a light way. Like... she would work hard to convince you that you really wanted to do that thing or try that thing rather than overtly force you to do something. She wouldn't hear the word "no," and the few times she did, she legitimately sulked and pouted and whined. I even once heard (though I wasn't there to witness it myself) that she actually stamped her foot like a toddler when she was told no. But she's got a hint of malignant in her as well, and I definitely saw that come out when BIL and his wife divorced, the way she and her husband instantly villainized BIL's ex and how SHE gave up on the marriage and SHE just decided she didn't want to be married anymore, and no sort of comment about how a marriage takes two people and maybe BIL wasn't pulling his weight or whatever. (The story I got from BIL's ex, which I will not go into detail about, was that there were MANY problems specifically to do with BIL that she went to MIL and FIL about multiple times, but they just wouldn't take it seriously.) The way that MIL and FIL just were willing to throw her on the hate train and forget she ever existed was truly eye-opening. Because if they're willing to do that to her, they'd just as easily do that to me and not so much as bat an eyelash about it. I have been tiptoeing on eggshells when I'm around them for the last two decades. Granted, it's been about 1.5 years since I've seen then (which was that last major realization) because I've had a surgery and then COVID, but they still want us to come visit, despite there being a pandemic, and I just... I can't even with them anymore.

[@breadfan_85]

I'm realizing that my best friend may be a "benign" narcissist, but I'm also realizing that might be part of why we get along so well. I will be that shoulder to cry on for other people, and I often am for her, but I don't like to talk about my own problems, and when I'm going through a tough time, I prefer to just be left alone. So we kind of fit like puzzle pieces in that way.

[@GodMadeDoll]

Your mind makes more excuses for the benign narc than the overt narc