Do narcissists know they are narcissists?

[@themontrealyankee]

My narcissistic mother recently discovered this channel, and now sees narcissists everywhere, except in the mirror

[@melanieroe2410]

Woops :(

[@studyjunkie2546]

😂 😂 😂 😂

[@tanyat4854]

😂👌

[@bundydryandlime]

The scary thing is, i think I might have fallen into this category. Learned so much lately and I don't like what I see around me or of myself...... Change is hard but is sometimes needed

[@tanyat4854]

@@bundydryandlime It's just a maybe. As far as I know, a person has to go through a lot of tests with a psychiatrist to be marked in that category. Every person in the world is a bit narcissistic. Even empaths. It is not the same as NPD.

[@jcnlaw]

Seasoned divorce e lawyer here. I am so happy that modern technology exists so people like Dr. Ramani have a platform to explain narcissistic personality disorder. Get educated. Vet very carefully. Do NOT marry or get into a long term relationship with a narcissist. Stay safe out there!

[@eileencaudillo2797]

Yes her info is very knowledgeable, the abuse I went through was inberabl, I self-esteem is much better, take care 🙂

[@TinaLouise73]

I attract nasty narcs like a magnet! N not the repellent ones either! :(

[@kaitlinjensen]

@@TinaLouise73 seems like I do too, so now I have a dog instead.

[@judithparris1818]

Wish my poor mother knew this 60 years ago! Too late now🤷🏾‍♀️

[@xyaeiounn]

I'm no fool and I wasn't when I met my covert narcissist wife. It took years for the act to slip and then it completely fell away.

[@lonnieljones]

"Do narcissists know they are narcissists?" They don't use that term as a rule, they simply know they're the only one who knows anything and they're always RIGHT!

[@shirleyann1901]

You are absolutely right.

[@vtcook1930]

Lol…damnit

[@buddhacook1087]

Yep, u got that right.

[@artistelaine1061]

The one in my life was very incensed when I mentioned that he was obviously a narcissist (frankly a covert narcissist)! Apparently he doesn't like that honest description-maybe even really doesn't realize that it fits perfectly!

[@Lonnie_Jones_Photography]

@@artistelaine1061 The Coverts are the WORST in my experience. The overt ones are so obvious it's easy to spot and avoid them. The covert ones take awhile to detect and by the time you catch on, they've already begun to abuse you.

[@freedombug11]

I remember once having an epiphany that my mother MUST know that her behavior is wrong because of the way she hides/misrepresents it around other people. If they didn't know it was wrong, they would behave the same way around everyone.

[@janeemkay7484]

Good point.

[@lauraswann5543]

🎯 Thank you!

[@stevenk-brooks6852]

Wow! A great example of something which becomes obvious after someone points it out, yet somehow might not have been noticed even though it was right in front of you. Thank you, Privacy Freedom.

[@freedombug11]

@@stevenk-brooks6852 I'm glad that was helpful!

[@klaythoring1326]

That paired well with my discovery that my secrecy to protect the abusive people in my life was hamstringing my getting acceptance and health. So what if they are upset that I’ve said true things? They care more about that than the damage done to me…it’s my story to tell as much as anyone else’s.

[@246trixie]

I think they know they are being cruel to someone, but they truly believe the person deserves it

[@Lisa-s7x]

❤thank u for your comment. The thing is my malignant husband insists he gets groceries, and comes back home with half of what’s on the list, and says I do not Deserve it. This goes on and on and makes me physically sick 😢 One example of his cruelty. I’m 😅 happy now cuz I see who he is and working on recovery and breaking free. I’m so grateful for Dr Ramani 🎉🎉🎉

[@JOEYNOSEBEATS]

This part: "We live in a world where narcissism is incentivized and rewarded..." Preach!

[@lisamartinez6899]

Yes they do and they even have their “Squads” of flying monkeys that help destroy you !

[@cc1k435]

@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 "Preach!" just means "I agree, keep talking this way!" Kind of like shouting, "Amen!" at a church sermon.

[@justmichael6628]

This is very true . Especially when you see all the advertisements they make with Adults speaking with children's voices . Such as the pizza and gummy commercials . Their trying to normalize Narcissism behavior . It's bad enough that we have adult children in places of power and authority with out honor or integrity showing only self-entitlement .

[@semperfiarcher]

@@cc1k435 Agreed. "Preach!" is an American saying, so it makes as much sense to non-Americans as "Oath" means to non-Australians.

[@j.lauren8518]

So sad.

[@nyxdanvers7480]

I believe they know that their behavior is wrong, which is why most of them preach about privacy and how “what happens in the home stays in the home”, because they don’t want people to know their tricks or for others to point out the abuse and support us to leave and thus they lose their supply. So regardless if they know they’re a narcissist or not, they do know their behavior is self-serving regardless of how it affects others and don’t care.

[@JS-co3eo]

Agree

[@brimstone33]

Not that simple. They may know their behavior is self-serving regardless of how it affects others and don’t care. And they may not think there is anything wrong with that at all. Think of it like this. For the longest time in human history some people kept other people as slaves. They knew they were exploiting those slaves, they knew those slaves suffered physically and emotionally. And the slave owners were perfectly OK with that, they even saw it as their (sometimes God-given) right to own other people. Even non-slave owners thought slavery was peachy-keen. This only changed when there was a huge global shift in morality after enough people realized the immorality of slave ownership and laws against it were enacted. In fact if those laws did not exist, there are still plenty of people around today who would be perfectly OK owning slaves. Narcissist need hard boundries, like laws and other measures, to fence in their toxic behaviors exactly because they DON'T see exploiting others as wrong.

[@nyxdanvers7480]

@@brimstone33 I agree. What I’m saying is just because they personally don’t feel like it’s wrong they know others will think so and thus try to isolate and keep their supply quiet so that others don’t learn the truth of the situation and teach their supply that they’re being manipulated and abused, in turn risking the supply from leaving and they lose their supply.

[@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470]

They do not change.

[@johnpaulsawan1990]

This was my dads mantra after he abandoned us and left the country. He knew my mom was abusing me physically, emotionally, and more. He eventually came back due to pressure from his family but he aggressively gaslights us.

[@all-hands]

The best advice I ever got was "if someone tells you they are toxic or hurt people, believe them". These people will often tell you what others have said about them, hoping you will disagree. Pay close attention, their past partners probably knew more than you do now.

[@grayhalf1854]

I asked my ex what her ex-husband would likely say about her. She answered that he would say that she's an angry gold-digging bitch. In fairness to her I didn't see the gold digging (I didn't let things get that far) but the anger, wow, never seen anything like it in my life. It's weird that she was actually quite candid about certain things that didn't exactly paint her in the best light (for example that all her friends told her that she should never have kids, and when she did get pregnant that she should have an abortion)... I wonder whether she felt compelled to self-disclose somehow, for reasons that were opaque even to her. Once I'd worked out she likely had a cluster B personality disorder a lot of what she'd told me made a lot more sense. I would have thought that she would do everything to avoid giving herself away but looking back she definitely gave me clues, almost from day one. Weird.

[@queengoblin]

"I fuck everything up" 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

[@jettstap]

That is so true narcissistic people drop hints very early to test how far they can push or what others will tolerate in their search for victims - it might be done in a comical away like laughing while admitting they are selfish

[@amojak]

@@grayhalf1854 interesting, i had similar and i assume it is because their position of being right means they cannot see anything wrong with their behaviours and as they have zero concern in reality for your feelings, they have no reason not to tell you.

[@leonab545]

I noticed that a narc that my friend has to deal with tells him “I don’t care” quiet often. And it’s when he states his feelings or how exhausted he is before she wants him to do one more chore. I said, wow, she’s actually honest here, she doesn’t just care about how you are feeling, your health, etc And it’s true, he had a healthy crisis and she blamed him for ruining the holidays, didn’t do one caring thing, actually ended up leaving him to enjoy her holidays as planned, except now he wasn’t available for extra chores as per usual. And upon her return, she just went back to giving him tasks to do, not a single word about how he is doing and if he needs anything, not a single offer of maybe you need a day off to recover more? Nope, they are such users and they tell you as much of you pay attention.

[@wumologia]

I once asked one of those Group 4 people: "Would you rather be always right or would you rather have friends?" They answered angrily: "I want to have friends who understand that I'm right!" I realised that this relationship had no future.

[@karishort1891]

Wow...lol holy crap

[@allisonbaxter6439]

Asked my narcissist ex, "would you rather be right or happy?" He said, "I'd rather be happily right."

[@sweetluvgurl]

It’s kinda mind blowing to me that anyone can assume they are always right. We all have issues that limit us in different ways. Also, I feel like being “right” is often subjective anyway. Many people have different views on many aspects. Who is to say who is really “right”? I think on very few aspects can people definitely agree something is “right” or “wrong.” Otherwise, it’s simply just their view.

[@mikimiki6202]

The response I received...was being right

[@blakec8549]

Huh, my ex asked me this one once. The right or happy varient. I told her I don't know how to be happy. I wonder if she was testing to see if I was a narcissist?

[@TheColbles2009]

I’ve had some strong narcissistic tendencies in my life that has changed over the years. Going from the grandiose overt narcissist to slipping into depression and going the covert route. It was a long process over around a decade. The whole time I saw myself as the “good guy” in every scenario. Like I always felt that my opinion was the final authority and I took it as a threat when somebody’s opinion differed. It’s a terrible feeling realizing all of the pain you caused other people when reality hits you. I can’t undo my actions and words from the past, I just try to do better every day. So yeah I belong to group 2. And I thank God above for allowing me to sober up a little mentally.

[@jasoncheshire6153]

This is my wife. Can you please let me know if you changed enough to consider yourself healthy enough to have a healthy relationship? I’m strongly considering divorce. I can’t do this anymore it’s been 10 years.

[@lukekiefer5964]

@@jasoncheshire6153People are variable. That guy’s experience likely won’t be the same as your wife

[@leticiakabz5635]

How did you find out that you had a problem? The person in my life seems not to know that there is something very wrong.

[@TheColbles2009]

@@jasoncheshire6153I’m sorry to hear that. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be 100% normal compared to a healthy person. I just gave my life up one day to the lord Jesus Christ and he saved me. I didn’t become perfect, but almost instantly I could recognize when I was being a jerk,, subtly or openly. Still do. I pray that you find peace with your wife and that y’all can work it out.

[@TheColbles2009]

@@leticiakabz5635 ironically I’d been watching surviving narcissisms channel and dr ramani’s as well. I was watching them to justify my unwarranted negative feelings about someone else lol. I was also on a spiritual journey which eventually led to me giving my life to the Lord Jesus Christ. He opened my eyes to a lot of what I truly was, and it didn’t feel good. I’ve been leaning on him for healing from my own self inflicted damage, and it’s a battle some days but it’s definitely much better than the past life I was living.

[@1LyriSis]

If they do or they don't know they are narcissists, they know exactly what they do to others!

[@deebrown1688]

I agree

[@yasminenasser-rafi3696]

They don't care at all about hurting others or the affect of what their words and obnoxious behavior does to others.

[@waynenorris5711]

I think mine knew what she was doing but in her mind that's what everyone does so it makes it okay for her to do unto others before they do unto her. I hope this might help in your healing. It's been a hard and confusing road for me.

[@p.w.352]

Exactly, which is why we are always on our guard around them.

[@jlesliebark8610]

I disagree. Prior to realizing I was narcissistic, I had no idea the effect I had on other people. I was so self absorbed I would manipulate to get my way. I had no empathy and never even thought about what I was saying and how it affected people. I only thought about myself and how I felt and if I got what I wanted. I know now that I have done some serious damage and I have such great remorse for it. I still slip into the rage and embarrassment cycle that Dr. Ramani spoke of, but I have grown and for that I am thankful.

[@kalpanasinha8045]

I was with someone who was in group 3 and I was the only one who ever held him accountable for anything but after a while it was easier to look the other way rather than deal with his wrath. When we finally went to couples therapy he accused the therapist of taking my side and after a while stopped going. I continued to go to therapy to help me deal with him and one day he thanked me to continue going to therapy because he said I really needed it. He had no idea why I was still going. In the end when I called him out on something he did, he stormed out of my life. A week later begged me to take him back but I really couldn’t allow it. It’s the best thing that happened to me.

[@Renee1919]

I was with a group 2 and when I brought up therapy he would get so furious. He said there was nothing therapy could improve for him because he didn't think it worked. He said therapy was for people who actually needed it and he can work out his problems on his own. I have personally been I therapy for many years and he would also say to me "I know you need to have your therapy appointments" and things like that. Lol like kind of in a way saying I had issues I needed help with and that was something that was below him. It's so toxic. Therapy is a beautiful thing and narcissistic people seem to have such a problem with it. Probably the not wanting to be held responsible for their ways has something big to do with that.

[@pbandjedi5006]

I was with a group 3 too. Tried therapy 2 different times, both times he just lied to the therapist and made me look crazy, unstable and controlling. He would never admit to anything, sensitive narc. Everyone else was always the AH. I doubt he would ever do self reflection - living with him was very much like living with a young spoiled teenager.

[@jugg9140]

he he he he, so many girls dont know narcissist. There are more female narcissist than a male narcissist.

[@marysullivan1815]

Not reacting to their gaslighting is for the best .Then they realise you don't get affected

[@katarina9983]

@em p My mother says exactly the same thing about her doing it on her own. I tried demystifying therapy saying that you might get an idea about the situation from the therapist that you wouldn't even think of (because you're stuck in your self righteous patterns, but I didn't say that part). She got mad saying she didn't need people's ideas. If she was going to get a new idea it would be from god putting it in there. She's even threatened by someone having an idea. Her self identity is so fragile. I understand it, growing up with her mother, but come on. She's gotten so self righteous and religious lately it's barely possible to have a conversation about the weather.

[@TheKadeRose]

They are more concerned about what they want than what others want or need.

[@effortlesssuccess2585]

I call Narcs out all the time. It’s healing and therapeutic. It also stops the Narc with their antagonistic, abusive and destructive behaviour. They won’t want to feel and shame and humiliation. So they stop the Narc behaviour in my presence. Whether they stop it altogether is another matter. But I know when they are dealing with me, they don’t care to showcase those traits I have called them out on. Because I will beat their ego to a pulp and they will not have a leg to stand on once I am done with them.

[@paulcoffman9841]

Living with narcissist is like living in the Twilight Zone.

[@empressaissatou6250]

😂 spot on! 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@drazicmilosovic1065]

The narcs I’ve encountered seem to regard the approach as just “taking care of business”. If they get what they want; the end justifies the means. If they fail; well…..it’s your fault.

[@pulidobl]

This!!

[@RevTox]

LOL! Yeah, with my ex, I never would have found such a wonderful house, if it wasn't for her and her family, but whenever anything would go wrong or need repair with the house, it was all my fault and she told me not to buy that house. If anything ever went wrong, it was my fault, even if I did whatever she said or suggested, and especially if I didn't. Of course, she told me I was the manipulative one. How dare I try to suggest she treat me right now and then?

[@marcirobins5144]

Do they know isn’t the question. Do they care? That’s the question. And they don’t care. Since they don’t care, what they know never comes into play.

[@KeshiaK39]

No they don't care, unfortunately

[@jeffyou6340]

They feel quite entitled to talk down to people or treat them less than dirt sporadically. After a while, you just GET IT, and move on from the their treatment

[@tomerbauer]

Some care that they are hurting others but are incapable to be different.

[@SamanthaParker-ir2gq]

They probably do care but their illness distorts their lens. Step away if you're being hurt by all means but having the belief they don't care is likely inaccurate and causes everyone more pain. They are sick. They need help and compassion, sometimes they are not willing to help themselves and that's sad. But taking it personally is akin to being upset when a two year old smacks you. They are stuck in a developmentally delayed state. They are probably not all treatable and I am not advocating putting yourself In harms way, however we need to see it for what it is, a sickness. Holding on to the pain as if they could have treated you better or that they acted in malice only adds to the pain and trauma to everyone.

[@waithakahrukuh6221]

That’s so true . My ex told me he doesn’t care about truth or honesty and that really clicked well

[@deborahlindsay3670]

I once went in a date with a guy who told me his wife’s therapist said he was a narcissist. His attitude in saying it was , “Can you believe it - how crazy is that? What, me?” I did not go out with him again!!

[@oscarwilliamson6163]

Deborah Lindsay,You are beautiful,You don't need a narcissist in your life.....

[@patfilippelli2191]

smart move!

[@denny414]

Good girl

[@LoveBeliefTruth]

Haha, some people never talk about what they themselves did in critical manner in therapy

[@kimberlyhovis5864]

It sounds like you dodged a bullet there. Good for you!

[@lacy0409]

I was an only child surrounded by adult narcissists, histrionics, and enablers. I see now how much my self-trust and decision-making abilities were affected by their abuse. Today I get dismissed or berated for calling them out, but I know my feelings are valid and true. It's a breath of fresh air to hear Dr. Ramani articulate so many things that were weird when I grew up.

[@daver1787]

Good for you!

[@RawOlympia]

Shout out, another only child here who went thru it with only monsters about - so glad you made it, these chans are so deeply edifying. It makes it hard to protect oneself, because I was not allowed to. Just realized that I could have used this advice and wisdom 30 years ago.

[@solobano570]

Same here. It left me insecure for life and the worst to hear is when someone nastily says “you are just like them!” My biggest fear is to be like them. I have lots of genuine empathy, but life presents you with lots of challenges and sometimes I overreact, true. However, I find it really painful when relative in anger says ‘you are just like your father!’ So, the society or family makes the recovery impossible; any moment in behavior that they don’t like, they would easily dismiss by you are just like the narcissist so and so…Even when the fault is on their side. I find it easier to withdraw into my work.

[@lacy0409]

@@solobano570 This is too accurate! Toxic families almost want you to turn out crappy so they can blame you for their issues. Work is appealing because people have to act right and treat you professionally. As I type this, I'm getting ready for my commute super early so I can get out of here. I moved back to my childhood home to help my widowed stepmom, and my histrionic mom in the next town over -- but now it's all become so clear. The perfectionism, enabling, bullying, etc. Looking forward to work, and getting away from the toxicity. Insecurity can be healed with nutrition, rest, and caring for your physical body. If you wouldn't put a child in the line of fire with those people, then don't be around them either. You don't have to associate with toxic "family."

[@crystalbluewire3339]

@Lacy Holmes, Yes they want you to turn out crappy. They need a scapegoat to fortify their interiority. Usually they are obsessed with your life , what you do for a living and what your home LOOKS like on Google Earth. MNPD only want compliance , admiration, and servitude. They hate to be uncomfortable. Their betrayal to you , about you, is part of their game and set up for you to do what they did to you. They have no humanity or accountability .But they sure feel their own pain. Aww. . .

[@donnaedwards5115]

And if they are older, they will never change.

[@theretrohippie9117]

They might know, but they will never admit to it…in my experience they deflect it onto whoever is telling them they are narcissistic.

[@gregorsamsa1364]

Some of them have no problem admitting it at all

[@kylaren6337]

Absolute facts. They’ll deny deny deny!

[@seventhchild7270]

Narcissist or Not...I do Not let Anyone that is abusive, toxic, manipulating, negative, dark, callous, in my space, or my Life!.. There are so many of these wicked, dark people among us...I am an empath, somewhat introverted, peaceful...and spiritual not religious!...I meditate, pray, exercise moderately, eat a flexible vegetarian way of eating...maintain good mental, physical, emotional health... after my divorce years ago, I made the conscious decision to not marry again!...Having great, married, hardworking, grown children..I enjoy living a single, healthy, debt free, spiritual, simple, peaceful Life!

[@MellowJelly]

its so much better to be solitary and just have a few trusted friends

[@j-ak8545]

Yes. And being a narcissist is part of their insecurity/shame. To point out they’re a narcissist is like shining a light on every insecurity they have! Be prepared if you do call ‘em out

[@alannapryce2012]

Yes, yes, yes, they do. I have no problem calling them out.

[@paulapereira136]

My ex-narc thought he was the most loving, kind and generous person in the world.

[@Yung_Pirlo]

I called out my narcissistic sadistic father, and from that moment on I was dead to the family. for me it wasn't about saving the relation but about justice and self preservation. Staying in my family would have driven me to suicide. If we keep on turning our heads things will never change.

[@hissyfitz7890]

7 suicides in my narcissistic family of origin. Thankful for my self preservation instincts.

[@FlyingBirdSs]

I´m sorry to hear that... Good that you stood up for yourself, and for all the injustices that have happened, and what is still going on. I hope you are on a safe place now with some loving people around you. What was your role in the narcissistic family dynamic may i ask? Do you also have brothers and sisters? My family has also turned against me after I started confronting my narcissistic father. I have stood up for all the injustices that have happened within our family, and are still happening, but I have not received any support from anyone in the family. The abuse still continues everyday towards my mother... and family members don't do anything about it. Take care of yourself and put yourself first now.

[@ChristopherMHeaps]

Same.

[@noraabdulla2486]

How do wvoid want around tu all time

[@Myob08]

Kudos to you for standing your ground. Shame on the others who turned the other cheek 🫂

[@onlyonekiney]

My Narcs husband for over 30 years was clueless to his disjunction! I’m out running for my life. He told me that no one can stop him! Get house. I left my home, but guess what friends, IT SAVED MY LIFE! I’m out at 60 and will start all over, I’m happy, I’m joyful and able to worship my God the way I’m supposed to. I’m soo excited about my new love of my journey and the future of my business. YEAH Run for your life, I DID! There life after this relationship! I’m in therapy I hike, I travel I love people, I’m living for the first time in a very very long time. I would shrink so he’s comfortable, I was an enabler! Stepping on me all the way! Shame on me! Life is a beautiful journey and I’m all for it.

[@MorganFrancophile]

Fear of exposure and playing victim is proof they know there is something to cover up.

[@latsnojokelee6434]

Yep, when I got into a texting fight with a narcissist, I literally made bullet points of all the really nasty behavior on their part. They had no come back because I’ve never treated them badly. Their response was the victimization talk about how I had made them feel bad. That seems to be the pattern with our Narcissists-- Put other people down, being nasty, but then when you get called out for it, start crying about how you’re just trying to “help” the other person, or you’ve made me feel bad.

[@tooakki]

absolutely

[@jenniferphan2756]

I called the police when my Narc threw an aluminium whiteboard at me. While they were on their way she said "You've made it worse for yourself by calling the police." I have it secretly recorded, but she will 100% deny saying it. When the police placed a restraining order on her, she wrote on the Order "Let this be a reminder of how much hurt you've caused." These people are well aware of their abusive behaviour, it just benefits them to play victim. For a long time I wondered if she truly had that little self awareness, but the the saddest thing is is that they DO know what they're doing. They just don't care. When I discovered that the abuse was deliberate, it just shook me that someone could be so heinous on purpose.

[@Freetown00]

@@latsnojokelee6434When I called out my narc brother he looked so shocked he actually paused and stopped talking for a second (FOR ONCE!) and after that he just screamed and yapped insults like a 5 year old. The same way he bullied me my whole life, except he’s like 26 years old now 🤦🏻‍♀️it’s crazy how time goes by yet a narc doesn’t mature emotionally at all. They basically act like Disney villains, so shameful and childish.

[@devonseamoor]

Without suggesting any form of condoning, I do believe, based on experience, that narcissistic people are at war with themselves on a deep hidden level, deeply traumatised, and in pain. It's impossible to live with all that, and, like people who create a 2nd personality within, to escape pain, narcissists create an attitude that gives them the sensation and experience of grandiosity As soon as what's underlying is triggered, all hell breaks lose, for the pain is felt. That's something that needs to be covered up at all costs, even at the cost of abuse of others. They're never happy, the power game is all they have and invest in, plus material gain, often.

[@waithakahrukuh6221]

You out this up so beautifully and well explained.

[@randomsasquatchwithwifi4090]

My now ex used to say "Im just telling the truth", when it was entirely something he conjured up in his mind to fit his narrative. Once you are away from the narcissist for some time, you see very clearly many of the manipulations and gaslighting that had previously made you question yourself. Thank you, Dr. Ramani! I still say you are a treasure!

[@RevTox]

Sounds like my ex, who I believe was a type 3.

[@randomsasquatchwithwifi4090]

@@RevTox which one is type 3?

[@diannebrett4074]

My mother would say the exact same thing

[@SweetUniverse]

Thank you, Random Sasquatch 👍👍

[@ct6852]

Yeah they're just soooo concerned with The Truth...unless it's something about their feelings, or why they did what they did, or why they're attacking someone in the first place.

[@delicate.mascara]

In my own observation of a group 3 and group 4, I'd say those types tend to do lots of projecting - calling other people narcissistic or selfish or lacking of empathy, so they understand those behaviors but totally can't recognize they are the ones doing them.

[@5Demona5]

My aunt is like this. She seems to be group 3, while I am a people pleaser. I'd be doing everything to keep her happy and she'd always say "You never do anything for me, never try to please me." Which of course was making my anxiety and suicidal thoughts skyrocket... till I moved out

[@peterpan148]

I see that too

[@ardent9422]

I like that you broke it down into groups because you often hear that narcissism is a spectrum and by making these categories you defined the points on that spectrum. Some sort of graph or chart would really put this into visual perspective. The better you know who and what you're dealing with the easier its to prepare yourself, but still these relationships will never truly be easy.

[@purvamandlik4696]

So right! I need a visual too. Maybe descriptive names to these groups would also help.

[@purvamandlik4696]

Short summary of the groups based on insight level and behaviour range. Group 1: some insight, proud of their behaviour, rigid, grandiose. Never call out. Group 2: some insight, shame and anger cycle. May try to change, may slip back. Most difficult to leave due to the cognitive dissonance they cause. Group 3: no insight, angry, sociopathy, more risky, dangerous to call out, no hope for change. Group 4: no insight, not angry, but don't get why people reject them. Emotional famine, don't care, not likely to change.

[@brimstone33]

@@purvamandlik4696 OK Group 1 - Aware/apathetic Group 2 - Aware/conscientious Group 3 - Unaware/oppositional Group 4 - Unaware/apathetic Did I get that right?

[@matthewatwood207]

I imagine, like most spectrums, it's a little more dynamic than that. A spectrum is closer to reality than a binary, but it's still oversimplifying. I.e. the autism "spectrum" and the political "spectrum." Spectrums allow people to continue the good/bad binary, just in a matter of degrees. So, the right wing can say that the left wing is all bad and vice verse, when the right is mostly narcissists and their enablers and the left's politicians calls the national guard on peaceful left wing protesters and continues most of the right wing's policies such as the patriot act, making democratic politicians the kind of narcissists that do performative "good," just so they look good. I.e, AOC doing a shift at a soup kitchen instead of confronting Texas Energy, Bernie Sanders doing his thing with a known race-baiter writing his speaches, Obama calling for hope and change and then filling his cabinet with bankers, and a whole bunch of dems appropriating an african scarf instead of confronting the white supremacy within the police force. In this way, the political "spectrum" actually helps hide the fact that narcissists are always clawing their way to power and obscures the fact that there are policies that both wings of this bird are ignoring for the sake of their campaign donors and lobbyists.

[@janewild9150]

So agree! I am always watching out..it’s fight or flight 24/7….

[@grufaldior]

I think I'm group 2. Or at least I want to be. I'm in a 7 year relationship with an empath and last week she said she wanted to end it. She is the one who found the narcissist definition and brought it it me. Initially, I tried to disprove it because its very hard to admit that I am narcissistic. I offered to go to therapy now that my eyes were opened, but im afraid it's too late. I want to thank you Dr. Ramani for this video and the one about narcissistic fatigue. My wife has been complaining for years about being tired and foggy as you described. I finally understand what I was doing to her all this time. I am deeply regretful of my behavior and pray that we can work it out for our kids sake.

[@thedudeabides3138]

Wow. Good on you. Well done for recognising your own behaviour and how it impacts others, this is a truly remarkable breakthrough for a narcissist. I genuinely hope things work out for your family unit and that you get to enjoy the rest of your life (in particular) being a better person as a result of your epiphany.

[@markusfreund6961]

Thank you, now I understand why the label "narcissist" never quite seemed 100% fitting for my mother. A spoiled, sheltered, privileged, yet also emotionally deprived and traumatized, upper class princess, histrionic to boot with a possible side helping of bipolar, both her parents being heavily traumatized from WW2, emotionally inept and as hopelessly stuck in their 19th century ways as was the norm for that generation. I understand why she put me on a pedestal while, at the same time, constantly devaluating me and doing her brutal best to keep me insecure, dependent, and disenfranchised. She could switch gears between furious hysterics and dramatic self-pity at the drop of a hat. My father, who'd been raised like a leashed dog by his alsatian-breeding stepfather, was not only way too weak to reign her in but actually believed that mother must be obeyed, no matter what, end of story. To quote the late, great Terry Pratchett, my parents were so out of their depth that the fish had lights on their heads. They were emotionally crippled, mentally stunted, and stuck in a nightmarish "more of the same" vicious cycle with no way to help themselves. In hindsight, I realize they really did the best they could. Given their intellectual and emotional equipment, it's a miracle they didn't both die in an argument with a traffic sign or a lamp pole. Luckily, their behaviour was so outrageously stupid, irrational, nonsensical and incoherent that, even as a child, I realized that they were the ones not functioning properly, not me. So I guess after decades of battling them and the demons they put into me, I've finally come full circle. Sorry for the rant, I trust you'll recognize it as self-therapy.

[@TheNicoliyah]

Bless you for your insight, Im glad you made it through

[@2bouha]

[@lyndaslocs]

I'm glad you thrived in spite of this.

[@markusfreund6961]

Thank you for your kind replies. :-)

[@LoveBeliefTruth]

Sounds similar in that I also always knew my parents were crazy, not normal, since very early age. Their thought processes were so nutty that there was never no doubt for me about that.

[@RobNiser]

The more I learn about narcissism the better I can protect myself against it, thank you very much👍👍

[@RyanOlsen]

Dr. Ramani, In case you somehow don't realize this, you're saving lives with these videos you make. Your knowledge and insight just flow from you, and it's simply amazing that you can be so in touch with this subject. Thank you so much for sharing your gift!

[@BlinkinFirefly]

I enthusiastically second this!!

[@bangkokstevie]

My ex wife would have occasional moments of clarity where she would realise that her behaviour was abusive and causing problems not only to those around her but to her own life too and the way people viewed her but those moments wouldn't last long she'd soon be back to her regular traits. I've been no contact with her for over 20 years now, I hear she hasn't changed.

[@MrNikhilgherwar]

Occasionally moments ..

[@Jess-kn8vl]

Sometimes I get lonesome for the narcs and I ask myself a couple questions and then Im like nope nope nope I dont miss that! No thank you!

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

My ex had moments of clarity about himself, but he would always later deny that he had admitted it to me. Gaslighting!

[@BonnieCreoleSpirit]

No contact is really the only way to go and I hope most people can do it. These narcs are dangerous...it is heartbreaking the harm that they do. I am not contact with my mom and she still scares the hell out of me. The gaslighting alone literally makes me ill.

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

@Brian G Narcissists avoid vulnerability like the plague. I'm guessing she recognized that confessing her true thoughts to you would make her vulnerable. I know my ex viewed vulnerability as weakness. I think they believe others will pounce on them and try to gain power over them (as they themselves would do) if they show any real humanity. That's why they'd rather leave a relationship than open up. It's so pathetic that they see others this way.

[@srm47]

I had a parent like this and even when I directly confronted her she would not accept it. She never did, never apologised. If you are looking for ownership from them or remorse, forget it.

[@summydots]

You can approach them with solid evidence for all you like, they will still deny it. It's basically their mantra, "deny deny deny I take it to the grave with me"

[@lauralynboccuzzi4374]

I was married to a Group 1 narcissist and finally “escaped” after 29 years! It was a hugely disfunctional marriage! I didn’t even know what narcissism was; I just used to tell friends he was a JOY SUCKER!

[@Alaska_Gal]

My 23 year old son has told me several times he thinks he is a narcissist & all he cares about is being right. He gaslights me & I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him. We haven’t spoken in a few weeks. It’s very sad, because all I’ve ever wanted was to have a positive relationship with my son.

[@adelai3795]

Hi ma’am. If I might recommend “how does someone become a narssisct by Dr. Ramini. It helped me both understand my own tendencies and relate to my mother in a more nuanced way.

[@ChildrenofthelivingGod]

My ex was group 3. It’s ridiculous how he didn’t see that his behaviour was wrong. At first I thought we see life differently and he was just raised without basic morals. Only to realise he is narcissistic. No time for self reflection or empathy.

[@littleclay1838]

That's what I thought, until I noticed the deliberate anger, the deliberate petty battles he would start.

[@tiniestpotato]

I think they know and that is why they choose to gaslight and lie all the time. Cause if they flat out told you what they know to be true, you would be out the door in less than a minute.

[@Wildevis]

MY late husband was a group 4. He would stare at me when I called him out, totally stunned that I could have a problem with him, as he was such a great guy, or he would have this smirk as if he thought I was over reacting, emotional and irrational and then one starts to doubt yourself. As I started to withdraw from him, he was constantly trying new things to draw me back but if it worked, it only worked once and then I was clued up and would not fall for it again. It got more extreme until he committed suicide, leaving me a super spiteful letter and probably very sure I would pine and blame myself for the rest of my life. But ti did and do not and just walked away without shedding a tear, sounds heartless but he played this threatening suiced game with all his family, they were not surprised and I refused to feel responsible for his decisions

[@Ann-qh3kb]

Your NOT responsible for their actions! God bless you!

[@douglaswilliams4274]

That smirk shows that they are enjoying what they are doing.

[@drewbabydrew7742]

Great good on you my daughter is going thru hell at the moment ,I'm glad you shed no tear .Pat on the back for you

[@KaliKali-hv9bt]

Good for you!!!! He played himself.

[@timmywitty1432]

@@douglaswilliams4274duper’s delight.

[@RickP-y2w]

Beginning the relationship with my wife, she told me I know there's something wrong with me. I take Prozac now. But, when I brought up her negative behavior towards me later, she denied any issues about herself. Accusing every relationship problem on me. I spent the entire relationship trying to simply have a mutually loving marriage. The more I tried the further she rejected and neglected me. No matter what I did, said, gave her or how much I loved her. I was constantly unappreciated. Then they discard you because you were the problem in their confused mind.

[@agspeekz]

I'm a Group 2 narcissistic whose burnt-out by my behavior. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all that you do!!!!

[@herbertsiegl7762]

Good luck my friend

[@a.s.h.a118]

Good luck on your journey

[@YourTrademarkLawyer]

How did you find out? If you don’t mind me asking. What do you do to control yourself.

[@charlyb7231]

Well done and good for you. I can respect a person that realises the error of their ways and tries to do something about it. I feel like you guys in this group maybe didn't say or do those certain horrible things on purpose? Like you just didn't realise what you were causing. I feel like you still maybe had an element of empathy and awareness and shame- that's why you were able to recognise your behaviour and know that it's wrong? Am I right, or am I far off? Lol.

[@MrXaihnz]

I thought I might be in the second category as well, but I worry I may have been closer to the third category with how ignorant I was to the problems and pain I caused. I hope you're doing better, and I hope all of us narcissists who realize can continue to do better.

[@tamayeceannaideach5011]

I think they know they are broken, think they are still better than others and that creates crisises in their heads making them dive deeper into narcissism. For my own self interest, I just stay away from them.

[@deebrown1688]

I can agree with that too

[@ChrisCox-xl1fm]

Smart

[@ChrisCox-xl1fm]

There is no fixing them, and even if you could its not your job to do so. I think personally they choose to be the way they are. I'm not fixing to stick around and tolerate abuse at the expense of my health to make them feel they are more than what they actually are.

[@Mea_DS]

A good question that I've been asking for a while. It's always being projected back on me and causes me to question my own reality when I KNOW what I've heard, seen, felt, and treatment received. This is an exhausting battle that I've given up trying to figure out, but rather have finally been able to focus on my own healing and what I can control....which is my own actions and reactions.

[@kmanderson266]

Anytime you are questioning your own reality as a result of a narcissists words or actions towards you, you are experiencing gaslighting. It is a form of emotional abuse. Good for you for choosing to care for yourself and work on healing.

[@brimstone33]

Sometimes the only winning move is to not play the game.

[@Mea_DS]

@@brimstone33 Exactly 💯

[@Mea_DS]

@@kmanderson266 Very true. Thank you for your response. It's truly exhausting. After 5 years of marriage I finally filed for divorce (almost 8 years together).

[@Mea_DS]

@Tino thank you so much!

[@Blinkgirlsareperfect]

My mother is a narcissist and my mom raised me so her way of parenting was all I knew. The part that is hell is I’ve learned and mirrored her ways and I absolutely hate that part of me. After I realized she was a narcissist I then realized I had to seek help( therapy) I moved away from her and went no contact and thought I was saved. It was then that I saw then that I finally Experienced my own narcissistic symptoms because now I had time to focus on who I was as a person without her narcissist chaos so basically me moving opened up the after math of the abuse. I have to relearn haw to parent my kids the right way. I’m so angry because they are older now( 4 boys ages 16,14,12,5)…..I struggle everyday with this because she taught me how to talk down to my children, degrade them, judge them ex…. Basically all the bad parenting strategists that narcissist use to raise children. I absolutely despise her for this. If anyone reads this, Know that you are not alone. Know that healing will take time. Don’t let them steal anymore precious time from your kids, husband and non narcissistic family members. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK BY BREAKING THIS CURSE AND LEAVE WITHOUT LOOKING BACK!!!!!

[@EmpressMenen]

I am so sorry angel. She took your innocence and purity if heart. Please never give up on your goodness. You are not the bad things you were taught. ❤

[@Blinkgirlsareperfect]

@Esther Wow!!!! Thank you so much for your response. Reading this gives me more strength to know you have so many people who have gone through what we went through with narcissistic family members. This issue is more dangerous then people realize. I mean im talking committing suicide. These people will have you thinking of ending your life and unfortunately many have because they just gave up. This support and words of wisdom is so powerful to fellow victims and could save many from giving up. Thank you for giving me your time and for caring. I don't know if you are a mother but if so, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR KIND HEART.... THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

[@jeffyou6340]

This sounds great that you're breaking the generational curse and cycle of mistreatment. Very non-narcissistic of you to admit that you're having to put effort into overcome some bad habits. Good for you, and your four boys are lucky to have someone fighting to break the mold

[@stephaniepittaluga5057]

♥️

[@alexisrush91]

I have a similar background...I'm so angry...I feel like my life was taken away from me...I just want to take my kids and run far far away from my whole family...start fresh...clean...leave all this darkness in the past...it was never mine to carry in the first place

[@jannlewandowski5540]

Hi Dr Ramani,. YES, they know they are narcissists. I totally believe that!

[@MelancholyRequiem]

I'm a female diagnosed in my late twenties with autism, and it's decently common knowledge in our circles that female autists are extremely likely to be misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is one of the most damaging thing that can be done to us. I'm starting to notice a very worrying and troubling pattern of male autists being misdiagnosed as Narcissists, albeit unofficially as it's usually just their peers saying such. The more recent research coming suggests autism is caused by the pregnant woman being "under distress" during her pregnancy, which suggests many autistic children have narcissistic parents. I think this topic is extremely important and I hope one day more is discussed.

[@kmanderson266]

Saved this one! What a great resource! It’s hard to believe and admit that your loved one is a narcissist when they do not present as a flaming, mean, malignant, grandiose narcissist. I am divorcing my “group 4” covert /vulnerable narcissist as I write this. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know the narcissism has its origins in attachment trauma and childhood neglect. I am a counselor-In-training myself. I have a lot of compassion and understanding for my husband. And, he can’t or won’t see that there is anything wrong with his behavior so it never changes. The back and forth from seemingly kind and self aware to entitled and blaming is exhausting. It is toxic and it is abusive-whether he is aware of what he is doing or not. After trying radical acceptance and managing my expectations for 2 years I’ve discovered the emotional, mental and spiritual energy that requires is more than I am willing to spend. I’m grieving and I’m moving on. Thank you Dr. R. 💕 Your books, videos and webinars have been catalytic in my recovery and I’m so very grateful that you put out so much content for free!

[@shnooklefritzer]

Wishing you all the best. I am am planning my path to freedom. My son is 16 and the decision to leave is so difficult to act upon. I am in trauma therapy and have regained my body and soul. Still working on getting hold of my confidence and sense of self. I was nearly eaten alive in this marriage.

[@lizp5449]

You have complete compassion from me and I'm sure from all of us,who have tried to understand and make the relationship work

[@kmanderson266]

@@lizp5449 thanks. I filed for divorce on Friday. Good Friday, as it turns out. I didn’t plan it that way but as a person of faith it turns out to be a very meaningful “accident.” 💕

[@mystrength5640]

@@kmanderson266 I so miss my our Christian Friends/ Who we used to socialize with regularly! We only see his Flying monkeys now.. I have little in common with them…and I don’t give them personal information….! My Narc/ Has turned his Back on God about 5 years ago… ! Obviously COVID also had a big impact on this.. I pray you are happy in your Future! Jenny 🙏🏻💕🌸

[@jfdc8432]

I was originally going to say ‘no they don’t know and can’t admit it cuz that would mean there’s something wrong with them”. After watching this I see that there’s so much more to it! Thank you

[@goshi132]

😒😎😁😜😢 The ones who are at the receiving end.

[@cc1k435]

They know, and don't ever seem to want to do anything about it.

[@jfdc8432]

@@cc1k435 apparently you didn't watch the video - it's not as simple as that

[@Hasna256]

Nodding my head through the whole description of group four. I've seen what damage a person of that group can do. Their lack of understanding of what they do wrong is what can get them sympathy and endless new chances because people around them think they should just try harder in explaining things to them. But luckily I've also seen how people who know more about toxic behaviors can come to a point where they stop giving chances.

[@honeysmith6446]

It’s either an inability to think introspectively or that they lack the capacity to care whether they are causing pain to others

[@eileenshannon1861]

I love how passionate but at the same time irritated dr. Ramani is when talking about a Narcissist.. the facial expressions say it all! I really look up to her, I enjoy and learn from her videos.. excellent work!

[@marieborchardt2910]

I've known a few narcissists, some know and some don't, but they all share unacceptable and cruel personality traits. I believe in the spectrum and I like the way you've broken down these 4 groups Dr. Ramini. It really helps to understand narcissists better and to avoid them!

[@artskiwendy]

THAT is where I was.."strange roommate" and servant. I accepted this position in life for most of my life that it almost killed me. Starting with my father and family, i have always been the whipping post for THEIR NARCISSISM.

[@beverlytaylor1745]

Hi Wendy! Did you ever get free? I'm 64 and this has been lifelong. I'm still 'in' but looking for escape conditions. What a stage of life to have to start over! I believe I owe it to myself to take my life back for whatever time I have left. Disabled and broke, I'm going for it! I certainly hope the best for you.🥧☕

[@quinnm.3127]

Ramani, you spoke to 50,000 people in one day. Thank you for all of your good hard work. 💕💕💕💕✨🌈

[@TheMilwaukeeProtocol]

I am deeply grateful you made this video. I was so confused about my ex, and I now realize it's because he's in category four. I can feel the confusion and self-doubt slowly melting away and my confidence coming back.

[@bellatindale3120]

Threats, yelling and domination. I would add: name calling and belittling.

[@oscarwilliamson6163]

Bella Tindale,You look cute,Hope you are not with a narcissist....

[@RoseThePhoenix]

The vulnerable narc I was with for a long time acknowledged he was "a bad person" at times (though this may have been an emotional manipulation to get me to disagree with that) but I don't think he realized he was a narcissist. (He did see a physiatrist for depression, and some of the meds thrown at him indicated the doc might have known there was a huge problem, but I don't know for sure because no Dx was ever shared with me.) There were times I was sobbing and begging him to stop belittling and arguing with me for awhile and he coldly said I was being pouty and should just go to my mom's until I could calm down. Ugh. Anyway, difficult to know if he was aware of the depths of it. I certainly wasn't until I got out of it and started researching these behavior patterns.

[@greentooth3097]

@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 Yes exactly. 'Vulnerable' narcs should be called 'victim' narcissists

[@RoseThePhoenix]

I'm just... using Dr Ramani's term for them. Not really interested in quibbling about the terminology.

[@katieandnick4113]

He doesn’t sound like a narcissist. Sounds dismissive avoidant, which is an insecure attachment style, and can be easily confused with vulnerable narcissism. Narcissists, however, have anxious attachment styles, and the only time they end relationships is when they are with a borderline. A dismissive avoidant will end relationships with great women very easily, usually within 3 months. And a narcissist would not see a psychiatrist unless their psychopathic female partner made them go. Dismissive avoidants may see a psychiatrist on their own, especially if they have a supportive parent or partner. Another key difference between a DA and a VN is that the DA will not call you mean names(I don’t consider “pouty” to be a slur), but a VN absolutely will. A DA will point out your flaws in the kindest way possible, but a VN will intentionally make you feel terrible about yourself. Perspective taking is super important in relationships. My husband used to be a DA, and over the course of our 14 year relationship, he’s become totally secure. I used to have a more anxious attachment style, which is very off putting to DAs, as they pride themselves on being independent, and they also do not want others depending on them emotionally. I think that a DA is far more likely to stay in relationships with a psychopath because she is typically very independent, so he won’t get scared off. She’s also super manipulative, and the DA will easily fall for it. But ultimately, he’s looking for someone who is caring, loving, and empathic, so he’d be destroyed by a psychopath. If he were to find himself in a relationship with a borderline, that would end almost before it even begins. The thing about DAs is that they are actually incredibly empathic, intelligent, intuitive men, and they can make amazing partners if their partner has the patience(and possibly, low enough self esteem at the time) to keep trying with them. Oh, and they’re grumpy too. I think this comes from their empathy, and the fact that most people nowadays are not happy, and that really has a huge impact on the DA.

[@RoseThePhoenix]

@@katieandnick4113 thanks for your analysis, but we were together for nearly a decade and he panicked every time I tried to end it. Also, like I said, he was in treatment for depression, and his only goal was to get her to cough up the meds he wanted. Maybe I know what I went through better than you do?

[@maximumvalues]

My Narcissist wife told me I had this and other psychological problems. I got counselling. I was told I have mild depression from abuse. Then I sought information. Then I sent videos to my kids about covert narcissism. They said, you aren't like that Dad. Mom is. So some, Narcissists think they are victims. My wife does for sure.

[@blueblaze9862]

They know they are different, but they are too narcissistic to give themselves a label. The would rather think everyone else is fucked up than openly admit that they themselves are fucked up. They will literally make u think u are crazy. That's how the get through life. As long as their ego is soothed, all is good in the world

[@AmyMoore-t9i]

YES, they know! Their insecurity, etc. tells them they are mean, bad, etc., people!!

[@matrixmatico695]

They know there is something wrong with them but they turn it to a positive saying they are special . Unique. Or misunderstood

[@maywoodward7269]

Yes. My Dad does and I’m trying to learn to not be like them. I knew I grew up with no self esteem and thought I deserved abuse, I have been trying to unlearn it.I became avoidant . I had no idea “ get over yourself” is a narcissistic statement. I haven’t said it but all mine have said it to mine. I hide but find I go into control sometimes when I’m unaware that I don’t have to control everything. I know my Dad won’t change. The cognitive dissonance is so hard, I just need to unlearn everything as I want respect and to be respectful. People have never called me a narcissist, I go suicidal very quickly or go into psychosis and am afraid to leave the house. I won’t be in a relationship until I’m sure I can maintain respect towards others and myself. I have to unlearn the bad behavior and I’m not sure sometimes what is bad and what is okay. Especially socially. I found a letter from 4th grade where I was asking a teacher how to interact with the other kids. I have insight and am actually okay until I get triggered. My Dad only lies to his therapist and is terrifying to me. Can’t leave until I’ve unlearned and have people so I can do reality checks with them. The self sabotage is my hardest battle as Ihave to remind myself Iam not a monster for being human. I truly care about people when I’m not in fight/flight/ freeze or fawning mode. I found myself acting so strange when I tried to go back to school, then my friend gave me a list of what to look for to see if a child is reacting to abuse. I have a good soul, I know that it is only when I disassociate that I go into the terror and feel like I’m age 4. I believe the unaware ones really are in psychosis. I am the one who struggles with “ I don’t understand why that is wrong” Im glad to get learning to stop it as I had two malignant parents. Mom knew as she laughed and said it was amazing I was not a psychopath from the treatment. I have been the child on my hand and knees begging my Dad to please but now Iunderstand he has no understanding of cruelty. I am upwrsonalizing it, I told people not to get close to me as I was terrified of hurting others or getting hurt again. I keep telling myself there is hope as I’ve been trying to get help since age 4 and truly wanted to understand healthy human interaction.

[@fetijajasari9522]

Don't wait too long to leave, it eats you. Every interaction with your parents causes you to fall back into patterns you don't like or are not good for you at all. This costs too much energy you could better put into your own healing. If you can find a place of your own, minimize the contact to your parents or go no contact, find therapy to heal, to sort out what is really yours and what is your parent's and to stabilize your. As you become more and more you friends will come. It is a developing process, on the go, and you need your energy for you! Do you have positive contacts with aunts/uncles /other family members/friends/teachers...... ? Don't hesitate to ask for help, you are worth it now! Praying for you! 🙌🏾🙏🙌🏾🙏

[@razzrazzly6078]

Some people just can't leave other people alone. They're that desperate for attention.

[@kiwiidelight8608]

I think narcissistic ppl do know. They just don't call themselves "narcissist", they proudly proclaim themselves "assholes"

[@lesleyjones6230]

Or "perfect".

[@digitalbobby42]

Narcissists know their behavior causes negative consequences.

[@brainboosterrva2320]

Group 3 is exactly where the x sits. I only understood after over three decades of misery. I left him with the full support and assistance from all the children. His lack of self awareness is staggering. The judge ordered him to get into a program for abusive men before he could file for reunification with our youngest daughter, but he refused to comply: prime example of him believing EVERYONE is wrong (judge, GAL, therapist, witnesses) except him. Three years have passed and she's no longer a minor. He has no chance now. All the children are adults now and want nothing to do with him. He will die alone.

[@CodyPendent]

#2 is my EXACT situation. It's like you are a fly on the wall. Thanks for all of these wonderful videos and thanks for not shaming those who stay in the relationship. Everyone has their reasons and 'no contact' isn't the best solution for every situation.

[@jlesliebark8610]

I’m a #2 and my boyfriend stays. Know that you are doing tremendous work because I know how hard it is on him and I thank him everyday for sticking around. Have faith in your partner and just keep trying to understand them ❤️

[@ty_1927]

Hi my boyfriend is #2 too, but he's a cheater, even though i know it's not about love. Part of me want to still be with him to get him out of this mental disorder. But part of me just don't think his self awareness of being a narc and that he needs to change can last long.... What would you do in this situation?

[@zerpblerd5966]

@@ty_1927 you must be aware of your own health first, if you are able to maintain good mental health and genuinely care, take courage and go into your caring with pure desire to help, and ask if he wants to get better if you feel a genuine yes, ask if he's willing to do work and realize that trying and wanting are NOT doing the work, and it will take work

[@lawlade]

I asked my brother if he knew he was a chronic narcissist and he said with the biggest grin saying he knew he is and very proud of it! He's caused so much chaos, discord and wrecked the lives of!our family, ex wives and most unfortunately his children. From that moment, I knew I had to completely severe our relationship with him including his children for the sake of my sanity and my family's. Had to realize he couldn't love me more than his children yet he is perfectly ok with ruining his children's lives. They know exactly what they are doing and what they are. They honestly are demons in human form

[@SamanthaParker-ir2gq]

Could have psychopathy as well. This is not necessarily indicative of all people with narcissism or NPD.

[@grandmajane2593]

My husband believed everything he did was ok. He never, ever said he was sorry. He did not seem to understand why I was upset all the time. He maintained the "nice guy" facade all the time while he was doing sneaky things behind everyone's back. Long after the divorce and he moved away, he called and actually thought I would allow him to occupy my extra room in my house. He was old and sick, but I couldn't risk getting sucked in again.

[@unusualviolin6761]

I need a small space to vent here, but first I would like to say that’s probably the best video I’ve ever heard on this topic. I’ve come to realize that I’m in a narcissistic relationship, and upon realizing that I actually feel better but still unfortunately I’m trapped in the relationship due “ My Reason “, I got into the relationship to begin with, which was as a coping mechanism for my inability or less than adequate ability to attract the type of females that I’m attracted to. This is due to my upbringing and social rejection that I encountered growing up so I attracted, a fake person. And I fully realize that it’s a fake person now and probably did back then too, but simply allowed it due to my insecurities in the area of dating. Lastly, I would like to add for any that may be reading this post as potential help for them, I’ve come to realize that it’s better to focus on yourself and improving every aspect of your life in hopes to attract a person that has similar interests, as opposed to reversing that order and seeking a person before you work on yourself.

[@Zenmom-kz5yl]

Thanks for this topic today! As I was getting ready for the day, my mind wandered to past relationships (and likely present one). I was trying to figure out which "type " of narcissists I was entangled with. Finishing my morning routine, I wondered what you have to teach us today. And here is the answer to my question! You've educated and empowered me, as well as many others. Your mission matters and DOES make a difference. With gratitude.......

[@jordanmartinez823]

Hi Dr. Ramani. My ex boyfriend and I are 16, but he was abusive emotionally and sexually. He’d gaslight me, manipulate me, and try to isolate me. His tantrums were scary and I was afraid he’d get violent. But on the outside, everybody thinks he’s so wonderful. He also has a history of trauma from two narcissistic parents, and now I have trauma from the relationship. We’re young, but I’m pretty sure he’s a malignant narcissist. You said once that teens can be difficult to their parents but I don’t think that’s how normal teenagers, or people in general, should act with someone they claim to love. Is it narcissism? Edit: for example, I wouldn’t trust that in 15 years, he wouldn’t do it again because in most cases, people don’t change. I think there are many warning signs from earlier ages, and we have to stop making generalizations about young people because few people I know are like this.

[@korab.23]

My husband and I met in high school. I'm now getting out of our 12 year marriage. We were together off and on 4 years, then apart for 8 years and got back together and married. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." It just gets worse as time goes on. Take time on your own and heal so you don't get into a cycle of bad relationships. You deserve so much better than he's giving you. 💝

[@christinalesher5755]

I am proud of you for getting out of this relationship. Consider getting therapy to address the trauma you experienced. Be kind to yourself.

[@matthewrizzo]

I completely agree and went through the same thing for a year and a half, though one time, I was actually smacked during one of her (17yo) tantrums. That tantrum was because a job application was denied. This isn’t normal, and adults don’t just magically become abusers. I really think this needs to be talked about, but for that to happen, the “every teen is narcissistic” stereotype needs to be dropped, or at least specified to the parent-son/daughter relationship. The majority of people I’m friends with are empaths. Abuse isn’t normal at any age. I’m only 17, turning 18 in a few days. It especially doesn’t help when the two narcissistic parents just enable the young neglectful-covert narcissist, because that’s what happened in my case. If we can expand the conversation, we can save people before they get trapped. You’re absolutely right, there are warning signs.

[@Hasna256]

Whatever it is, it's not ok and good for you that he is now your ex. It's good to see young people in the comments here with so much understanding of narcissism. You are right about warning signs; everyone I knew in my teenage years who had a mean or condescending attitude when they were 16, still have the same traits now in their thirties. If you see a pattern: remember it and keep those people out your life as much as possible.

[@cassiebrown9786]

Advice: RUN! NEVER LOOK BACK!

[@klarapletl5397]

My narcissistic ex would often refer to himself as “difficult” (but in a way, that we all just have to deal with it as if it was his prerogative). But only after he discarded me, in one of the most diabolical ways you could imagine, I realized he had zero self-awareness; He saw nothing wrong with his actions and the fact that he crashed down my life seemed like no big deal, at all.

[@tinajones5548]

Same with me, unbelievable behaviour post discard. Temper tantrum X 1000. Hope you're doing well....

[@spacegirl226]

My ex husband too. Exactly. Bless your heart. I hope you are healing well.

[@truthsocialmedia]

If you are an attractive woman, you chose that guy. you have no one to blame but yourself. unless children are involved, hearing women complain about narcissism is like the pot calling the kettle black. women initiate 80% of divorces, which alienates fathers from there children. that is a narc move in and of itself. Also true narcissists seem to lack self awareness, if someone is aware they are difficult, that shows some self-awareness.

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Powerful springs, “if you are an attractive woman”, WHAT?? Your lack of knowledge on this subject is painful

[@truthsocialmedia]

@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 women decide sexual access. men determine who he will have relationships with. attractive women have many men who will want to be sexual with her, she chooses what man she will have. I think you don't understand how gender dynamics works. if this is unflattering to you, my appologies. maybe you should re-watch sex and the city. give me an alternate theory on gener dynamics and social media, i will be waiting.

[@Linabuzz]

Im married to #3! Took me 20+ years to realize he was a narcissist….. im 90% healed and am not feeding into his bs anymore. He hates it but Im standing my ground and it feeeelssss sooooooo good! Thank you Dr Ramani! ❤

[@candice-c-w]

I'm also married to #3. Please share what has helped you. Thank you.

[@IvanGorokhov80]

Do you still live with him? Why?

[@candice-c-w]

@@IvanGorokhov80 I do. I am in therapy and have reached out for support from a domestic violence agency. I am finally getting the support I need. It is hard to sum up "why", because there are so many layers. It is a multi faceted answer.

[@TYLER-jz6uv]

Wow !! Your lucky !!

[@jaimeparker3804]

They definitely know, many won’t admit it. I’ve seen my toxic father act correctly with people he respected, even with complete strangers. He chooses to behave horribly with me.

[@joanferguson4194]

Had the same experience with a malignant narcissist. Realized too late what he was as he had several excellent people as friends and these were the only people I met. He acted like a saint around them and they thought he was a great guy. They never saw the actual side of him that we lived with, the bizarre temper tantrums, the smirking insults, the psychotic rage reactions. When I left him other people told me they actually knew him for what he was, a sick and dangerous man.

[@danthompson1m]

Answer: yes. They know. This is a somewhat infantile question. You don’t go to great lengths to cunningly conceal something if you “don’t know you’re doing it.” These people are predators. They are a cancer.

[@IThink2Much]

Watch the video before you call it an "infantile question". All narcissists aren't your narcissist. They aren't all DELIBERATE aholes. Some of them are not even aware that they're aholes.

[@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470]

@@IThink2Much Don't apologize for them. They are all the same.

[@IThink2Much]

@@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470 lol... not apologizing. I just have had the misfortune to have had several narcissists in my life. Some of them knew they were aholes, some of them didn't understand why people thought they were aholes. It didn't make them NOT aholes. It just made them not self-aware aholes.

[@IThink2Much]

@@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470 And my sister is one of them. She honestly is clueless that she can be the biggest b**ch sometimes. But she isn't the most destructive narcissist I've been around. I can handle her in small doses and still love her, but I wouldn't live with her if you paid me.

[@IThink2Much]

@@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470 And also.... it's never a good idea to generalize about any group of people. Sure...a lot of them may be just what you say they are. But there are those who may not be completely lost and who may want to be better people if they ever realize what it is they've been doing. You can't take your personal experiences with just the narcissists you know and say that all narcissists are the same. That is the beginning of a whole other issue.

[@scorpiolove674]

I've had narcs brag to me about how manipulative they are or enjoying making others cry . They know.

[@Amywazwaz06]

Your channel has helped me understand a lot. Many things I can not change and so at least understanding them helps me feel like I am no longer crazy. Just finding videos that explained many things I was thinking but could not grasp.

[@lewilbur]

I really needed this. My older sister is in the category where it feels like she's a middle aged teenager, more like a tween in her case. I am currently in no contact. I am going to work on letting go of the idea that she will come to her senses and change. I am so greatful for your content. Thank you!

[@ThatsMrPencilneck2U]

I've heard of "high functioning narcissists." They do not care about other people, but know better than to behave like a narcissist.

[@emilym.2830]

Minute 12 describes my entire relationship in my 20s. It made me feel crazy. It didn't just break my heart, it broke my soul.

[@meditativ_ely]

Dr. Ramani is doing Gods' work

[@rodandousa3963]

All the credit goes to Dr. RAMANI. DEDICATION, HARDWORK, CARE FOR OTHERS AND PASSION. GOD HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.

[@stacyjaye6350]

Does anyone else worry that they are not only the a-hole, but also the narc?! I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. And now that I'm gone, I am angry. A lot. And I am just having a harder time being kind, keeping my temper... People, if you know the relationship is unhealthy, please get out. I believe the crap may be catchy.

[@SavingsMinusDebt]

In my opinion, narcissists cannot know they're narcissists. To know they're narcissists takes self-reflection ... in which they have none.

[@SamanthaParker-ir2gq]

That's a misconception. Many people with npd obsess over all kinds of possible deficits but their illness and their flip following from vulnerable to grandiose distorts their ability to see it clearly and accept it, among many other realities.

[@dirtyhoefarms2024]

Watching my mother-in-law get angry at her son (my husband) when he tries to talk about "it" ... and she turns & angrily stomps into the house ... then later she tells me that she " just took a step back "... yes, they know they are lying, deceiving people ... and their anger masks their guilt & shame - such a waste

[@kev24k]

I think people want to know the answer to the question because they want to know if the way they're being treated is intentional and done consciously or if the narc cannot control themselves. The person experiencing the narc is still looking for an out for the narc. Because if they cannot help it, then its not their fault. If its conscious then the victim can help them through this because that's how a normal person that can experience selfless love would think. The answer is probably it just doesn't matter because the narc is going to continue to abuse and the only healthy response to abuse is to end it.

[@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723]

It helped me to define me, and be honest with myself. They are them, they ill effect me, and I don’t want to be ill from a “loving”, relationship. That’s an oxymoron to me. I was self aware and self reflective towards growth. They are not. That is a recipe I don’t like.

[@dorothy792]

Very true.

[@IThink2Much]

I've had more than my fair share of narcissists in my life. And I've either gotten them out of my life or learned to shut them down and minimize their impact if I can't cut them out completely because I refuse to live with that chaos any longer. But I'm still interested in why people do the things they do and if they are aware of what they're doing. It helps me process it and see things through their eyes. It also helps me understand them better so I know how to deal with them better.

[@nawrasbalkan6911]

Oh regardless of the type...they know what are they doing, always...coz they change thier attitude n behaviour if they know they are watched or can be caught and punished, or there is a deal to close....having control on their selves when there is someone stronger thsn them or a higher narc than them it all shows that they know what are they doing...so bottom line they hurt u on purpose coz they can n know will get away with it..to exert control....and that u will take thier shit..they know

[@Rasna1506]

I was with a Group 2 Narcissist. Hence it took me 6years to finally come out of it. He used to apologize and pretend to realize and change but fell back again and again. This back and forth behavior was so exhausting and also the reason why it confused me. Always tried to convince myself that he was nice since he did this and that for me whenever he raged on me! I kept on debating in my head if he was a kind apologetic person or the monster who abused me! Even now after break-up, I keep getting these flashbacks of his "nice" behaviors and then question myself why he becomes the aggressive monster next moment. Thank you Dr.Ramani for clearing the doubt in me. Today I survived that ugly, depressing relationship (or prison) only because of your videos!! I'm so much in peace without that piece of #@&t in my life! I'm trying my best to heal from it now and taking care of myself 🙏🏽

[@dax5791]

Regarding social processing deficits and narcissism: I'm autistic, and I know a lot of other autistic people--only a couple of whom are narcissists. Thing is, we're socially clueless--but once we figure out what other people are thinking and feeling, we care about it. And we're interested in figuring it out, too. This is the difference between myself (diagnosed autistic) and my mother (probably also autistic, and probably narcissistic, but will not seek help). She's clueless, but she doesn't care to find out. Whereas, I'm clueless too, but if I accidentally insult somebody, and realize it, I'll go over and over it figuring out what I did wrong and how to do it right next time. My closest friends have all been recruited to tell me when I do something that annoys people, or might even be hurtful, and promised to tell me and explain what needs to change. But my mom... she's twice my age, but she's learned maybe a tenth of what I've learned about people and about how to communicate and understand and get along and help others and generally be decent. It's not that her likely autism is more severe than mine, either. She can live on her own and hold a job and drive; I can't do any of those. Over the past few years, I've had to come to terms with the fact that it's best for me to keep away from her, to have my sister as my power of attorney if I'm incapacitated, to live several states away. She's dangerous, not because she's actively malignant, but because she doesn't know, and doesn't care that she doesn't know. She's very unlike the other autistic people I know, who have perfectly good consciences and care very much about not hurting others. Some even live with social anxiety disorder because they're so afraid of hurting somebody. Anyway, point being, autism and narcissism can happen together, but they usually don't. If anything, autistic folks like me are more vulnerable to narcissists, especially ones with good social skills, because they often become skilled in bullying and manipulation. Growing up, my mom insisted I was the family problem, even when she married guys who were outright abusive. Turns out that when you leave home, and get away from the narcissist, and get some therapy, you find out that maybe you're just an average person doing your best, and your mom liked to blame things on you because it was easier than learning to change. And, hoo boy, if they're Autism Moms (tm), and puffing themselves up to look all heroic just because they're raising an autistic child and it's So Hard and they're So Self-Sacrificing... all the while they abuse the autistic child, often by doing things they know is painful to the child (mine used to stuff me into wool sweaters, which feel like wearing a swarm of stinging bees, and then blame my resulting meltdowns on "being strong willed")... well, that's a lost cause. People who use their kid's disability to come off as wonderful saints to the rest of the world, while neglecting or abusing their kid behind closed doors, are the scourge of the autism community.

[@2bouha]

i feel so much grief reading this im so tired at 31 and no change at horizon, relate so much..live with her still and now even pregnant, with a (potential narc/autist) im too broke for proper good therapy and cant work cause im hypersensitive, i beat myself up for al the failuers so far..

[@dax5791]

@@2bouha I'm so sorry :( It sucks to be stuck with them, especially when you have a disability. I'm very lucky to have gotten out. Please don't give up on getting your own place. Apply for disability if you haven't. If it's really bad, talk to adult protective services and ask for help.

[@kathleenmazzola7808]

Dax, you are amazing, and, a wonderful writer. I wish you the best. How wise you are that you made your sister your power of attorney. Thrive dear one, you obviously have talent.

[@Marie-xt2hy]

Thank you Dr. Ramani for this puzzle piece. I married a #4. Raised by a malignant Covert narcissist mother. At age 73 I Started my learning about these crimes against me via internet. The first 6 months I documented 300 hours of learning. That was 3 years ago. I continue to learn and heal. It is as though they took explicit joy in my suffering and loss of my children, my health, housing, money, friends and possesions.

[@LeoOliver-s5m]

My narc ex is a combo of these types. They do have some internalised shame about mistreating others but at the same time they can fully deceive themselves and justify their actions. Sometimes they seem to have some insight, whike other times they're completely delusional.

[@Jess-kn8vl]

I think they think they are being "judged" for ruining peoples lives and its other people's fault for not forgiving them. (Even though they never quit their antics)

[@trainerkarin1]

YES

[@mj-rg9kp]

My narcissistic father was difficult to understand. He’s rageful, verbally and emotionally abusive, occasionally physically abusive, indifferent to other’s feelings, seemed proud of how ruthless he was towards my sister and I, yet would put on this nice guy persona when there were others around us and thought of himself as a humble and kind hearted guy. When I confronted him about how much he’s hurt us over the years, he never admitted and said he doesn’t remember and won’t acknowledge it. And then started attacking me for something else. I believe he knows what a jerk he is/was at his core but his ego won’t allow him to be accountable.

[@fashionandluxury101]

My dad was the same; run 🏃‍♀️ and be never look back

[@alextarot]

*Group 1- hopeless case:* knows, don't care, is proud of it even, no therapy wanted *Group 2- exhausting case:* could realise, might try therapy, likely to relapse continuously *Group 3- hopeless+dangerous case:* ragely denies, no therapy possible *Group 4- Oblivious case:* denies, no therapy possible

[@lauratruthseekingWarrior]

I think my husband ranges between #1 and #3 Narcissist because he has bi polar and a huge ego.won’t stay on his meds that actually work for his bi polar meltdowns.

[@JamesPetroff]

Yes. They know deep down they are broken inside. Sometimes they even tell you. And you say no!!

[@whitneystreethouse]

My narcissistic ex was willing to entertain the idea that he might have a problem just because discussing it made him the guaranteed center of attention. Im convinced he loved couples therapy for the same reason. It didn't hurt his feelings that our therapists were concerned about his bad behavior toward me. Attention, no matter how negative, thrilled him.

[@AnneLien1987]

One of my close friends got the diagnose years ago. She knows she’s narcissistic but she doesn’t want to be. She has full insight but when she’s in stress/severely emotional the traits come up.