How "boundary talk" is used to SHAME survivors of narcissistic relationships

[@justice8563]

Boundaries caused me to be physically attacked multiple times, threaten to have my things destroyed and stolen, lies spread about me to the point where I lost everyone. Being intrusive where they can pretend to help, only to rip it away for fun. I cringe when people’s advice is, set boundaries, go no contact, cause when you’re dealing with a family of malignant narcissist’s, it’s the last thing that works. They even use abuse by proxy, where they literally have foot soldiers to keep the abuse going even after they die.

[@m.d.1395]

I want badly to just move towns as a boundary because distance IS a boundary and narcs don't respect anything.

[@00M13-m9f]

a bit of a waking nightmare, isn't it?

[@00M13-m9f]

​@@m.d.1395That is a smart move, do it!

[@sandrawamerdam2219]

Setting boundaries didn't work for me. It led to me being attacked and suffering loss. It did not set them straight at all. It made them worse.

[@msmorales150]

If i didnt have kids id move to Australia and start a new life

[@adriangonzalez8270]

Dont engage, manage your expectations. Remind yourself they dont care.

[@caroleminke6116]

But they do care… enough to ruin your life if they get any kind of power over you!

[@triciadreas9835]

They refuse to accept and then they double down.

[@caroleminke6116]

That’s why the gray rock method works because boundaries force you to walk away while going gray rock actually gets them to leave you alone even if through a discard but that’s really a win 😉 boundary enforcement just leads to ongoing war with the narcissist because it’s so important to win

[@stevenhuntley8706]

Trying to set boundaries is what directly led to them threatening violence against my (at the time) two year old. They haven't met them for a ✨reason✨

[@Pamela-k5u]

Yes, in certain situations, even legal boundaries can escalate violence.

[@youngblood8540]

When you're with the right person, sometimes you don't even have to verbalize your boundaries.

[@christinecronk9234]

Setting boundaries only gives them what there gona do next to you. This just came up yesterday in group

[@user-sx9hq7qwert]

If you ----, then I will ---. They will trample over every single boundary u set. That's y "then" is so important. It has nothing at all 2 do w/ them n is entirely about OUR actions. That begs e question of going NC, but if there is no "then", they will gleefully ignore any request u make of them.

[@dreamscape405]

When you talked about diaries having locks, I had a flashback to when I got my first diary. It had a lock, and I remember thinking how odd...a book with a lock. The lock didn't matter though, my narcissist mother always seemed to know EXACTLY what I wrote. I kept the key in a certain place, and found it odd that she knew what I wrote, when I never told her. ...when I put pieces together that she was reading it, and telling the rest of the family about it, I moved the hiding place for the key. After that, she couldn't find it, and her rage against me grew stronger. I didn't know why at the time, since I was so young, at age 8, but looking back now, that's why.

[@Louiseskybunker]

The best parents tell their kids "you must think for yourself" and that leads to developing sense of responsibility

[@amicableenmity9820]

Didn't work with me. My narc parents said that all the time but didn't give me the skills to take care of myself beyond cleaning and hygiene.

[@ewaczarnecka2618]

My boundaries were violently demolished.

[@melindawest1861]

This is a very difficult time in my life due to the narcissistic behaviors of others. This video was given to me as a message from God that it is not my fault. Thank you for being an angelic messenger. Your words were healing. God bless you. Please never stop sharing.

[@katkat521]

My mother gave me a locked diary. I later learned they come with two keys. Mine only came with one. She read everything I wrote daily. I set her up one day, and made up some wild story in it. And she was stupid enough to nonchalently bring up the story. To this day, she denies ever reading it.

[@aprilwilcox5065]

My mother did the same...as well as my ex-husband....I now have privacy issues

[@moniquejackson7741]

Good for you! What a psycho to grow up with.

[@theresechauvin5216]

Mine did the same read my diary and mocked it in her gossip circle. I hate writing in any journal now. I paint instead. She can't decipher the visual language unique to me.

[@user-sx9hq7qwert]

Can't decipher, n doesn't even know u r saying anything. That's e ticket. :)

[@caroleminke6116]

They don’t change people but you change when you honor your boundaries

[@genevalawrence801]

The eye roll that accompanied “You just need to set boundaries…” 😂 YES. A thousand times yes. The problem was never that I didn’t set boundaries. The problem was that my ex got off on violating my boundaries. It made him feel powerful. He loved when others tried to set boundaries with him, because it gave him something to rage about. Not just with me - out in public as well. It was gasoline on a fire.

[@HerrHaque]

"Don't engage" is such an important mantra that can't be repeated often enough. I am trying my best to not explain my boundaries to narcissists anymore. They see others' boundaries as welcome opportunities for land grab; let them know where your boundaries lie, and narcissists will make it a point to constantly trespass onto your land in the hope that you will cede it to them bit by bit.

[@pianomaly9]

Munich 1938 on a family-sized scale

[@genevalawrence801]

Thank you for this! When my mother was alive, she was extremely intrusive. We children were her property and supply. I used to dread holidays, because they were a nonstop barrage of criticism and manipulation. I withdrew from my family system, and took a lot of flak for it. I had to laugh when you brought up what an intrusive narcissist does in your home. Years ago my mom came to visit and rearranged my entire kitchen while I was at work. When I confirmed her about it, she smiled at me and said, “But dear, it makes everything easier to find this way.” By the way, moving three days’ drive away was the most effective boundary I was able to set.

[@nopereradicator]

Millionth time: It’s not the having of the boundaries. It’s the ENFORCING of the boundaries.

[@masquarra]

They see it as a game to walk through them and reinforce their chaos and dominance.

[@christinelamb1167]

Indeed, it is up to ME to enforce my own boundaries! If I make a request, or ask someone not to do something, my response to that is MY boundary. My boundary is what I will or will not accept. Whatever the other person chooses to do/not do is their choice, but there will be consequences.

[@lt827]

You seem pretty frustrated with the community.

[@caroleminke6116]

@@lt827it’s the misconception that’s so irritating because most people think that boundaries will change the way others treat you & that’s simply not true… only you can change yourself

[@EIizabethGrace]

I absolutely agree. I don’t think the issue is that boundaries don’t work: it’s that some people feel like they can only _set_ boundaries (that is, make requests) and not _enforce_ them. I get that, and I get the need to point out not everyone can enforce boundaries - just like not everyone can leave relationships - but acting like actual boundaries don’t work ain’t it. People should be taught what (a godsend) an actual boundary is and that they get to set and enforce them. Not just be left to continue thinking the most they can do to protect themselves is asking a narcissist to please [ _insert request_ ], and accept they probably won’t.

[@bereal6590]

My mother has become somewhat forgetful but yet she can remember everything and anything ive said or done that pinged her. Anything she has said is whoosh ed away and sneered at. Character assassination and contempt for me being ill, rewriting history, then expecting me to spend time with her. All my life I felt guilt and bad for her being ill, then when I became ill totally different story. Narcissists are so self centred but they'll tell you that you're selfish whilst they eviscerated you paper cut by paper cut.

[@Earthether]

Trying to set boundaries.. was threatened that they’d burn down the house… since they can’t have it they’ll destroy it

[@JunjouShaneru]

Dr Ramani You have helped met with my relationship with my narcissistic father and going low-contact with him was the best decision I have ever made. Thank you for doing what you do. You are helping people heal.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

The worst is feeling like you have to pretend nothing bad happened, as the narcissists never take responsibility for their bad abusive behaviour. It’s so hard to be at family dinners pretending things are ok when they are not. No one wants to face or deal with it and it’s horrible. Focusing on the truth, my life, my identity and my healthy boundaries. Thank you Dr Ramanai ❤

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

This has 💯 happened to me since childhood . I get shamed and criticized whether I do or don’t exert boundaries. It’s exhausting. So many people don’t understand yet think then can spew unsolicited harmful advice. Tired of being blamed for others bad behaviour. It’s messed up. I shouldn’t have to constantly exert boundaries. If it feels like I do, then I take a step back. Individuating more each day. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@LibraryBP2]

Boundaries with a narcissist is like having an open cage for a lion that you are standing in front of. It doesn't work and you will still be the unfortunate victim. Still gaslighted, abused, controlled and for some, eventually "destroyed."

[@gabyruiz5921]

My mom is a narcisist and my family is Just like you said. I finally let them five months ago, it is so dificult and painfull but so paicefull and I feel Free!! Thanks for your books and your research, 💕 I understood a lot of things but the most important is they never gonna change. Regrats from Mexico City

[@caroleminke6116]

It gets easier with the passage of time 💔❤️‍🩹♥️ no contact since 40 & never went to my parents” funerals. No guilt only sadness because the kids lost themselves in the dysfunctional family that felt more like growing up in the enemy camp

[@gabyruiz5921]

@@caroleminke6116 thanks for your messege 💕

[@idrawpeopleandanimals]

My father died 3 weeks ago, and I am getting totally attacked by his family that was never there. My family took care of him for over three years, and now we are being dissed on social media for "failing him." None of his family ever visited. Just judged. Now, it is all my obligation. The audacity of narcissists never ceases to amaze me!!!

[@TorgerVedeler]

Many years ago I was at a Thanksgiving party with some friends. One was a narcissist. The host was a good guy but had a temper if he was pushed too far. The narcissist insisted on cooking with the host’s pot at high temperature. The host said no, that this would damage the pot. The narcissist said he knew better and kept cranking up the heat, until finally the host told him that if he didn’t stop, there would be physical violence. The narcissist was actually shocked, and he left the party. He couldn’t believe that someone had actually said no to him.

[@youngblood8540]

Narcissists are 🙉 🙈 when it comes to respecting your boundaries.

[@pragmaticpoet]

Bananas???

[@youngblood8540]

Deaf and Blind.

[@kimlorraine369]

Yep. They insist you put respect on their disrespect 😢

[@PrincessMeowicham]

Green looks so good on you! Thank you Dr.Ramani, for setting light on these issues! It has changed my life in amazing ways over the past 4 years!!! 😊

[@sushmayen]

I struggle with setting boundaries while being kind. I wonder if this works for anybody.

[@lizt8087]

Separate setting boundaries with being mean or unkind. You’re not being mean. They are, especially if they cross your boundaries. You are not a punching bag or scapegoat for anyone. You are not beneath anyone. You have a right to be treated with kindness respect and dignity. Anyone and I mean ANYONE who does not treat you with kindness respect and dignity doesn’t deserve to be in your close circle, including family. I used to be shy and timid and scared and I always found bullies. Now I’ve gotten strong and I know what I want for myself and my family, I can remove anyone who doesn’t fit into my picture. I’m a lot happier with boundaries. I feel safe, secure and comfortable wherever I am now. I’m a lot happier also. Doesn’t matter what mean ppl want. Let them get it somewhere else. Get around ppl who like you and support you. Stay away from creeps. Don’t listen to their opinions of you either. I’m praying for you. God bless 🙏🙏🌸

[@EuphemiaWisdom]

One of the best things that i learned how to do was match energy. I don't escalate, so I don't mean return abuse. I separate myself unapologetically from abusive people. What I mean is I don't feel a responsibility to treat someone better than they are treating me. Because the truth is some people can learn from example, but the one's who are usually causing the problems only learn from consequences. So I don't attempt to repair if I didn't cause the problem, I don't try to maintain a connection if the other person isn't, I don't speak kindly in the face of rudeness, I speak up or abruptly walk away. I hope this might help 🙏

[@christinelamb1167]

@@EuphemiaWisdom Such a great comment! 👍"Matching energy" , "don't feel a responsibility to treat someone better than they are treating me". This helps so much!

[@EuphemiaWisdom]

@@christinelamb1167 💗

[@cantranslate]

@@lizt8087That is because you maybe not dealing with a real narcissist, but a person with some traits of toxic personality.

[@PlumbTuckeredOut]

Happy Thanksgiving or, as it should be called, "Happy Manipulative Family Day!" Celebrating without family is the celebration of FREEDOM!

[@TKouklaki]

Any narcissist is deaf not only to your own needs but also they ignore any boundaries or limitations or even prohibitions that you may set. They are completely absorbed in their own image and personal benefits and needs. Sometimes they will even try to drive you crazy not just to ignore you. They are the greatest manipulators. They try to destroy any other voice except for their own . Like sharks they would prefer to engulf you no matter what. They are ruthless, doc.

[@jeanschikora5008]

Dr. Ramani, can you do a podcast or fireside that touches on coercive control. Maybe the psychological impact of sexual coercion, how to explain the impact/associated feelings, and how to heal. A Most Happy Thanksgiving …on a day many are so Thankful to you. For sharing the dynamics of narcissism, tools, and support. For years of dedication on this topic in pursuit of helping and making a difference. You are a blessing to all (maybe not the Narcissist..lol) but to the rest of us!!

[@caroleminke6116]

Grace ✨

[@JONNIE-u5u]

It wasn’t even good sex. If you’re going to coerce me into sex at least make worth it for me. I just said I’m a hole instead of a hand

[@scottessery100]

I feel blame - shame - humiliate is the process a narcissist employs to make them feel better 😢

[@moreanimals6889]

Over a few months last year, I started watching Doctor Ramani's videos and went from suspecting my Mom is a narcissist to accepting it. Now I'm realizing she's not the only one in the family. My Mom's family's entire personality as a collective is intrusiveness. My Grandmother and Aunt have a long history of rearranging people's homes without asking even if they barely know the person. We once got in a huge fight because I went on vacation and she decided that was the best time to help with a household repair without asking. Her time is the only timetable. No one else's time matters. Not to mention the vacations she has ruined by showing up because she felt like it, when she was never invited and even going on my expensive vacation without me. I will intentionally, never get a job with cool perks just so I don't have to deal with that. I'm so glad for this channel. This is the only space I can share these things not a therapists office. That's a big one too, the isolation. Other people have safe friends to talk to AND a therapist. Why do I have to only have a therapist? I'm no longer sharing anything about my life with my family. I do have a theory that my Aunt can't get enough praise the same way a drug addict can't get enough of their drug. It isn't really about doing nice things for others. It just seems that way. It's about her feeling like it is confirmed that she is the best person in the universe.

[@hannaclue2728]

I added boundaries. It took me over 25 years. Quit sleeping in our room because he looked for arguments at 11:00 pm, quit going anywhere with him if he was the driver, quit waiting for him to come eat dinner, and a long etc.

[@angelabobanna7774]

A narcissist couldn’t care less about boundaries

[@denaebasley2241]

I had one of those diaries. Mother found the key and read it. Thank you

[@turquoisoul]

My mum read a letter I got from a friend. I expressed disapproval of it. She didn't take me seriously. I keep buying diaries, but don't/can't write in them.

[@courtneylemmerman3558]

My mom read my diary when I was 15 and slapped me across the face cuz she didn’t like what I wrote… it was just talking about how depressed I was 😂

[@seeingmenow]

Similar situation with my mother as well. She actually *wrote* horrible things in my diary! Betrayal.

[@alisadunn5443]

They don't listen.

[@gtohenry6469]

Thank you for this Dr Ramani! Happy Thanksgiving all 😀

[@drk0936]

So sad, so true. Enduring this intrusiveness for myself is one thing. But seeing what it does with our kids hits hard. And you are right, it doesn't stop. They both moved out 1 and 3 years ago, but my wife still feels entitled to know and comment everything, who they meet, what the wear, how their room looks like... But how could I have stopped that? If i tried to back them up, all hell break loose, which seemed to be worse for everybody...

[@douglasmcgregor5511]

Definitely experienced intrusiveness. The married girl who I left church to get away from was waiting for me over beside my bag and looking directly at me. She even showed up at my favourite coffee shop and sat near me. It felt suffocating to be around her and like she was in my personal space a lot. Understanding narcissism has given me some healing and knowing that I'm an empath explains it all.

[@sharicoburn5475]

Oh or my favorite when they say you just need to find the right words to talk to them.

[@gottabme]

"It's not WHAT you say, dear, it's HOW you say it." The word 'no' always sounds mean to them.

[@NiecyB]

Then when the narcassist can't manipulate you anymore they give you the silent treatment or demand you change who you are because they are " setting boundaries "

[@vickypullam5776]

Omg. Set boundaries with my narcissistic step daughter. Lo and behold, the family all around her after her victim dram came back at me like a tsunami. Scary. Didn’t count on that.

[@wendysimpson6395]

Flying monkeys are nasty. Narcissists always cultivate them.

[@Coral_Forever]

Intrusiveness can get really, really scary sometimes.

[@redeem372]

Thank you for speaking on the intrusiveness of others in these toxic relationships that dont work beneficially like healthy relationships do. Those relationships are not worth having. Thanks Dr Ramani ❤

[@cantranslate]

But what if you are in a mother-daughter relationship and you are the mother? A mother will feel like she is abandoning her child.

[@Siren-zx1mz]

The best boundary and action is to go no contact. Keep low contact at first, then go no contact later on. Your absence is the best boundary for ppl who don't listen to you when you express your boundaries or needs.

[@caroleminke6116]

Gray rock then no contact works best but letting them think they win when you have no supply so they dumped you works best!

[@The_Void_Between]

Yeaaaaah the locked diary did not stop my parents and I learned very young not to write or use a journal. Logically I knew it'd be helpful, but the risk of it being found, read, and used to punish or against me was too high. 36 and still stuck here despite trying everything I can to get out and still all of the same psychological abuse and neglect except worse. The enmeshment and intrusiveness is insane if you're currently stuck with abusers and don't have the support and resources to leave. Time and energy are some of the biggest things they take for sure it's exhausting and you don't have enough left to even recover. It's relentless and stacks into an overwhelming web.

[@harrietbanke2887]

My mother stole my loved locked diary when I was 13 or 14. I never saw it again. I know she did as she referred to my private writing and called me terrible names. E.g, “you little hooker”, said with all her disguise. I didn’t even know what she meant. I’d never been with a boy at that time, but of course I did find them interesting and I probably exaggerated to impress my girlfriends with whom I shared dreams, thoughts and diaries..

[@marioVSN]

that's so mean of her!! Hope you are in a better headspace nowadays! big hugs

[@Caroljohn-q4i]

love you Dr.Ramani you really a gem

[@DominieRobinson]

He would Lie to me , then try to Control Every aspect of my Life , from Behind the scenes, Lying to Other Parties , Denying his outrageous behavior, then trying to Justify it to my face but I would later discover he would be telling others " he was only 'trying' to ' help' me , because , according to him, I had supposedly " asked " him to behave So Outrageously behind the Scenes.

[@Serioussamurai500]

I've learned to walk away from BS I grew up with an Autisic / bipolar borderline type of mum. She hired others to care for me.. Thank God 😂.

[@DominieRobinson]

In my situation any Boundaries were BULLDOZED Over Consistently and he was Always trying to INSIST trying to tell me " you Don't UnderStand , I'm Trying to ' Help' you !" and Later, I would discover he was outright Lying to me, having me Spied on by his adoring fan Flying Monkeys that he had Reporting Back to him on my comings and goings snd All my activities, Violating trust all Over the Place. A Total Mindbender !

[@ivettakushkova4381]

Thank you for being always by my side.

[@Summer_Harvest]

Good insight on those locked diaries!

[@masquarra]

I laughed because they will find them and break the lock to read. Sometimes, reset so they can continue reading

[@Summer_Harvest]

@masquarra The worst gift idea for any exploiting person around the home.

[@ricardajames5769]

On point, as usual. All throughout my life, I tried to set boundaries with my narc mom, but it was never accepted, and she didn't respect me because she felt that she didn't have to. Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@PenninkJacob]

This is what I was always trying to say as a child to the adults around me.... Thank you👍❤❤❤

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I exerted healthy boundaries by not going to Thanksgiving dinner after my brother and his wife emotionally abused and verbally assaulted me. Yet my brother still shamed and critisized me for not going, saying hurtful things because for the first time ever I took some space for my well being by not going to the family dinner. So tired of it all. I have sacrificed so much for them and it’s never good enough. They will never ever control me, they can get mad all they want, I will protect myself and do what’s best for me. Focusing on my life and letting go of what is not mine. Remembering it’s not me. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@mariehughey5390]

Every little boundary I set, mom attempted to ignore. When that didn’t work, the retaliation was a weaponized boundary from her and my siblings. Not set as a protection from anything just being controlling and mean.

[@Summer_Harvest]

I said Happy Holidays back to somebody who was wishing me Happy (upcoming) Holidays. Before she had hung up he made a big deal about my Happy Holiday rather than Happy Thanksgiving.

[@sharicoburn5475]

I see it in comments ALL the time!!! So annoying when people who have no clue about Narcissistic abuse

[@Kittyminx55]

Ugh, that feeling of being watched and analyzed all the damn time and feeling like you have to literally, and figuratively, lock things away. I know now why I have such a visceral reaction when someone does something that feels overly personal or intrusive, even if they didn't do it intentionally 😢

[@moonpearl4736]

"I have needs TOO" (that is "instead") is one of the excuses for crossing boundaries.

[@blu-r7h]

Your videos come at the right time.Thank you for them. Just had an experience of intrusiveness. Grateful I had the skills I have learned. They helped me validate the relationship is narcissistic, and I didn't fall back into victimhood or the patterns during the conversation. Such a sense of peace came to me. I wish you all many blessings!

[@melindawest1861]

My mother to the tee!!!

[@TheLove1Makes]

A Happy ThanksGiving to all.

[@GabrielHR55]

They cross all the boundaries all the time, and use it against you. 💯 % they'll even litteraly do it 2 seconds after the conversation

[@octocat23]

When I set boundaries with my mother, it pushes her even harder to demand what she wants and things escalate quickly, which can end in a shower of verbal abuse at me. So the smartest thing I can do is "play along" and disengage as quickly as possible. I try to limit contact with her as much as possible, which works best for me. But just seeing her for one day makes me feel like a little helpless child and I feel dissociated for days afterwards.

[@AminataWoods]

It's so toxic to want to keep people to be their own person. This is all except love.

[@stellasole3720]

Boundaries just caused a double and triple down against the said boundary on purpose just to dominate.

[@bellaluce7088]

A narcissistic relative I've been forced to interact with because of a legal matter took it upon herself recently to lecture me about different jobs I could supposedly do that completely ignored my disabilities. 🤫Even though I know it was incredibly ignorant and rude and reflects badly on HER, I'm still dealing with the hangover of having my internalized ableism triggered. Extended-release narc poison strikes again. ☠ Stay away from these gremlins if you can! 🚫🧛‍♀

[@bronwyntanner4501]

Oh oh oh thank you for the validation. I have often felt so defective for either not setting boundaries and or setting them and not keeping to them

[@jfdc8432]

Today is Thanksgiving. So very grateful for you, Dr Ramini❤

[@adampeterson8820]

It’s really crazy when the narcissist shuts down when attention is brought to their behavior. They have no problem with boundaries. Infuriating.

[@beverlyadams7205]

Setting a boundary with my narcissistic daughters is impossible. One of them would argue and scream and have a fit if I told her no about anything. The other one would ignore me and lie to me. I don’t see either one of them anymore.

[@deepdives00]

My boss is super rich, I was stunned to see he has access to my thoughts and has no problem exoloring my soul at its deepest neurolevel, and broadcast my dreams around where he thinks needed

[@sparkygump]

As soon as I set concrete boundaries, the narcs im my life discarded me......for the good!

[@andisboljat7801]

Boundaries are like locks.They keep honest people honest

[@FairyFire111]

Jesus....I've lived all that .Your words cut like a knife at my heart.Being in those situations ,and made you the bad guy when you defend yourself,leeds you to frustration and feeling crazy.Needs a very strong mentallity to withstand all that.Especially if you do not have others to support you.I feel my heart bleeding...

[@kathleendouglas9893]

TRUTH right here! love u drRamani

[@Summer_Harvest]

Yeah, had to go with me on my morning drive today, when he never usually wants to.

[@stephanielavin7717]

I had to fight all my life from intrusiveness. My mother and grandmother (always lived together) expected time and attention daily....even when I was trying to raise my own children and having my own life was betrayal to them. And the entire family enabled this behavior. Detaching was met with suicide threats from my mother making me (and my young family) move back "to her" from across the country. Then when I wouldn't call everyday with my step father yelling at me about how my mother needs me, he moved her into the downstairs flat . When I bought my own home, my mother and grandmother were very offended when I told them to call before coming over. When I got a new hairstyle and asked my gram what she thought, she said I looked like a french whore. She would also pinch my rear end when I would walk by.....everything (including the physical body) was hers. When I had my own kids, she would say they were her babies. So I said, good! Then you can pay for their college. The list goes on and on! I would tell my mother and grandmother that their "can't cut the chord) relationship was unhealthy and point out how they would talk about everyone in the family (gossip) ....only to be scoffed at. It was like having two ten year old kids to deal with and growing up with them was hard. I did keep my autonomy as much as possible to their dismay. I always knew something was not right but did not have the knowledge of exactly what that was. My mother is covert. Always on medication due to depression and anxiety, caused by my gram whom she refused to be without. My gram always enabling and helping in the manipulation, lies, and abuse of anyone in their lives. I ended up marrying a grandiose narcissist (diagnosed) , and then 20 + years of his bs. 🤦‍♀️ Everything being clear now, I have such a heavy heart. I'm trying to heal through the guilt I know was not mine. I carry a lot of anger and resentment for people who knew what they were doing. Wtf! A nightmare of a family. Dysfunctional and harmful in every way. I pray for strength and healing everyday, for myself and my children. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@cantranslate]

Hope you are strong enough to get out of this situation. I believe now the personality like you and me attract narcissists. I had two marriages and both of them are narcissists, which I have come to realized recently after watching Dr. Ramani’s many videos. Now my daughter is a narcissist, too. I feel so sad because it is not easy to cut off the relationship with her. I don’t want her to be in a life without mother love. But loving her is so hard for me because she wants to have my love but she pushes away it. It’s so hard …….

[@JanMussori]

They cheat and leave

[@niralishah5177]

Thank you for sharing this. I always thought I was mad to be angry when my ex-husband used to constantly need my time and energy and I thought I was rejecting his love language but it wasn't that. He never cared for my boundaries and needs and need for solitude and time alone doing things which I liked and loved

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

That answers my question. When asked why I want advice if I’m not going to do it. Got the answer now! Just asking ADVICE! Not Control !

[@benitavanaswegen2630]

Normal people should just leave.. You will never win just go and find a good life.. Let it be.. Not my monkey not my circus.. Just let them go! Stat

[@frainer]

It's not about winning it's about respect

[@EIizabethGrace]

@@frainer Pretty sure it’s a figure of speech intended to mean “whatever you’re hoping for, it ain’t happening no matter how hard you try.”

[@EIizabethGrace]

Idk, I think the talk about boundaries is valid. Some people can’t leave outright, or don’t want/aren’t ready to. Starting with less strict boundaries can be a great way to build up to leaving, or even to just validate their own right to take care of themselves.

[@cindynimmo]

Set the boundary for yourself.

[@cindynimmo]

And don’t talk about it.

I’m noticing the traits of narcissism are passed along in American Christianity. So, a “Christian” mother might want to be a healthy parent, but in Christianity, peers, or “the mature women of the congregation” tell young women to go against their instincts to be a healthy parent, and control their kids via corporal punishment, forcing meals, invading privacy, etc. this is perpetuated by generation, and defended by the constant refrain -“I was spanked as a child and I turned out ok” which is total BS, of course. Then these parents do their best to justify their atrocious behavior with good ol’ spiritual bypass…

[@tomchurch2285]

Induced “conversation” by one attempting to collapse another’s carefully constructed grey rocking verbal boundaries may be a form of intrusiveness. (?) Especially, if some form of passion is elicited - anger. displeasure, even excitement and congeniality. . . The one responding so may suddenly feel as though he / she has given over to the one “intruding” (realizing, the content of what is said is secondary to having drained a chunk of one’s self into what amounts to a void).

[@redlikewineagain697]

It can certainly be used against you. People who have routinely violated someone's boundaries do not typically take well to someone putting a halt to them. I have come across many people who had no idea their boundaries were being violated. It's sad. They have to be taught how they work (e.g. "If you criticize my parenting skills again, I'm going to have to leave.". They start criticizing you again. You get up and leave. No explanation or commentary needed. Just calmly get up, gather your things and your children, and walk out the door.). In theory, it works but in practice, it can be tricky and uncomfortable. And, yes, sometimes setting boundaries might mean cutting contact, and people have to be made aware of this and the consequences they will experience. You have to be ok with being alone and learning how to build healthy relationships. It takes time.

[@danaking7483]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for having a safe community and teaching us along the way about boundaries, I celebrate your beauty inside and out. I celebrate your authenticity and growth. I wish you a beautiful and blessed day 🫶. Happy Thanksgiving.

[@lt827]

I set boundaries and now my ex knows exactly how to attack me.

[@benniecampbell3973]

Yeah the key word is “intrusive!”, this is a great word to describe narcissists! So yeah dealing with all the narcissists in my life I had no voice, they treated me like I was a mute 🤐 even though I was able to crystal clearly have conversations!!! I have thirty five years of experience with narcissists and I know that boundaries don’t work when dealing with narcissists, knowing this there was only one boundary I never let go of a that is “Treat me the way I treat you!” and all the narcissists broke this boundary over a over again and again while I gave them the Royal Treatment!!! The plan’s of narcissists was to drive me crazy so they enjoy breaking my boundaries!!! So I was living with my narcissistic biological mother in my twenties and I did not have any privacy not even the bathroom because every time I took a shower she would come into the bathroom and use the toilet!!! So I with respect asked my mother to please stop coming into the bathroom while I’m using the bathroom and it was like we never had the conversation, she kept on keeping on breaking my boundaries!!!

[@verballyunspoken]

From my perspective going grey rock is a type of boundary. Going no contact is also a type of boundary. Boundaries help keep the ball in the court of the recipients of a narcissist’s intrusiveness. A person in my life has shifted in malignant narcissism, the smear campaign and vindictiveness has started simply because I’m not allowing them to control my every move. I’m not responding with fear to their threats of punishment, but rather responding in a grey rock sort of way as a boundary. I’m keeping my sanity as this person continues to spiral emotionally in frustration. As Dr. Ramani stated, NEVER tell the narcissist that you are setting boundaries, just do it like Nike. It takes patience and resiliency, but it can help.

[@simonecrevecoeur]

Well, if I ever dared to set a boundary it was trampled over by my narcissistic mother. And then got scolded for being so utterly selfish.😢

[@Dethian666]

I wish these days never happened where narcissists have so many excuses for abusing and torturing other people

[@orielwiggins2225]

Oh my goodness yes! This could not have come at a better time. So much in this one that I was trying to put into words for my sister. ❤❤❤Thank you so much for all your work and I hope you have a fantastic Thanksgiving weekend.

[@N1S4444]

Boundaries become gauntlet thrown down to a narcissistic person, in my opinion. I’ve had to give the painful truth to my 19 yr old son, if it’s really important to you don’t let them know.

[@cindynimmo]

Sophisticated narcissists love any boundary set. They will use it use it use it.

[@Ratgirl2]

Boundaries do not exist when dealing with a narcissist. But if they don't want to do something trust me they aren't doing it. Wow I've been bamboozled to say the least. 😮😮