How To Avoid the Future Fake Trap

In this video, Dr. Ramani shares tips on how to avoid falling into the "Future Fake Trap" in relationships. Don't miss out on this valuable advice!
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@lpatrick357]

When I had a total hip replacement my narc husband was no help. My daughter walked in and saw him eating dinner on tray in his chair and me sitting with nothing two days after surgery. She brought be a tray. I knew then. 4 more years passed. Another hip replacement and then knee replacement. Head on collision. Then breast cancer. THEN I learned about narcissism. Watched every video and read everything I could. He’s 73. I’m 67. 2 months ago after him raging about me visiting my granddaughters I exploded. I said he was a nasty fragile narcissist that acts like a three year old and I was done. He jumped in truck and went to his sister’s house-his main supply. Tried to come back 3 weeks later and go back to the way it was. I said No I cannot ever do that. So it’s been almost 8 weeks and it is heaven. Stress free to be me. Thank you for all your videos. I have learned so much and understand I would have died if we stayed together.

[@keepingitreal-thatsright]

Wow. Sorry you went through that. Sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. I knew my ex husband was manipulative and controlling but I didn’t know anything about narcissism back in the day. It wasn’t until maybe 10 years ago or so I started down the path of learning about narcissism right here from Dr Ramani. She helped me put so much together

[@ElizabethWildy]

Congratulations...enjoy the peace and freedom

[@TawnyC_]

I'm glad you're doing better ❤

[@jerushainindy]

Wow I’m sorry to read your story but I can relate and it made me feel not so alone! I broke my leg and on day four my husband ate breakfast, went to grocery store for a frozen pizza for himself; cooked it, ate it, fed dogs, smoked a cigarette and when at 3 o’clock I begged him to please feed me he said I was an ungrateful f’ing bitch. It’s not how he wanted to spend his long weekend taking care of me! 😢

[@heathergatfield667]

Just be careful. They can be very revengeful people. And he's not done yet. He just wants to see if you're going to come running. But when you don't he'll be back. Love bothering you and have gifts and when you don't accept that then. He'll end up having temper tantrums. There's like seven different stages I think...plz look it up? Arm yourself with knowledge, make sure you're prepared for whatever he comes at yiu with. That's all...just protect yourself and good luck to you & your new journey ahead. You do deserve better out of life. I'm recovering from narcissistic relationships in my life. Unfortunately, my father was one I didn't realize until 2 years before he died. But didn't want to hurt him so I never brought it up, never told him i knew he was 1. But every man I've been in a serious relationship has also been a narcissist. But now i know the signs & i will NOT get thinking about getting involved with anyone. Til i ver to know them. And I've had a couple guys that wanted to date. I said, welk we would have to hang around & become friends 1st. They still wanted me to committ to them them i was going to ger into a relationship with them. Lol...i said no ; they got upset. I knew right then that this is exactly why i want to het to know someone 1st...lol. Total narcissistim. Lol

[@maggietrek69]

I left almost 2 yrs ago after 33 yrs of marriage. 2 days before I left he made it plain that he would not be there for me if anything, and I mean ANYTHING, happened to me. He said that if I had a heart attack right in front of him, he would probably piss on me. He claimed that I had NEVER been there for him, which is a total lie of course. In my mind, that was the final straw along with him threatening to ruin our daughter’s upcoming wedding by destroying all the decorations that I had made for her reception. I knew at that moment that I had to get out if I was going to have a future. All these people care about is their own needs and wants. AND….btw, finding and listening to Dr Ramani starting in 2020, gave me the understanding and courage to leave. Thank you ❤

[@jodycasey6936]

Isn’t she the best ! I love watching people come here, get fully empowered, and then break away. It takes time, and you did it! Congratulations! I’m proud of your accomplishments ❤

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Wow sorry you went thru all that, good for you for leaving! 👏👍♥️

[@icme8761]

What was it like at the wedding?

[@mjblazy]

I’m glad you did this for yourself. I did that too.

[@sarahd6937]

You are valuable, you are important and you are loved 🫶🫶

[@saprwl68]

52 yrs of living with a covert narcissist and all he ever was interest in was his needs and me being there to be his bit player and him the star!! Finally bolted and life has been way way better!! It’s hard to turn a family upside down but grown kids are doing their own thing so it was way overdue!! Hallelujah, free at last!! ✌️❤️

[@InaDifferentDimension]

He actually endangered my life. Got dx with cancer. Had abdominal surgery and was unable to care for myself. He actually abandoned me for the golf course on day 4 of a serious two month recovery. Couldn’t feed myself or even remember to drink water. Tried to do it though and almost caught the house on fire. He still doesn’t think he did anything wrong. THAT was the final straw for me. Am in the process of leaving now that I have gotten the “all clear” from my doctors.

[@caroleminke6116]

Go no contact plz ❤️‍🩹 never trust him at all

[@nopereradicator]

I was NOT going to take care of someone that never took care of me. One of the laundry list of reasons why I left. *edited* ESCAPED.

[@ginkgo2021]

Don’t go back if he hoovers. My friend went back after divorce and the abuse is worse than before the divorce. She’s in failing health. He doesn’t help with chores. She waits on him hand and foot. He is financially abusive too. As a friend I must say it can get exhausting listening to her tell about his emotional and relationship abuse. BUT I honestly believe at her age she has no escape. Her adult son who lives in the area knows how she’s treated. But he does Nothing to help intervene. Her adult daughter lives in a different state. So having adult children is not necessarily going to help anyone.

[@evemcfarland8159]

Amen. Over years and years of him not being there for me or my kids during our health problems, he said something along the lines of me taking care of him when he got old, I almost yelled, "Well that's not going to happen!" I even shocked myself at that response!

[@JohannaVanDreumel]

​@@ginkgo2021there,s always a way, if they Truely loved her. Bless you for being there for her

[@JS-il9nw]

@@ginkgo2021 Adult children often just want to stay out of the cross hairs. They dont get it

[@turnbacktime65]

Yes. I think of it as escaping. I’m still stuck. 😂

[@Leenabrown12]

The miracle in narc relationships is getting out and NEVER going back!

[@miraleatardiff8543]

This video checks off every box. Sharing my experience not to gripe, or for pity, but to give an example of the foreshadowing that one has to look out for. A person cannot make this up. I have a horse farm. One day, off the property, I had a fall from my horse and broke 5 ribs, one of which was a flail fracture (two breaks in one rib). I had also seriously injured my left SI joint and fractured my L5 vertebra. I called my husband to come take me to the hospital. When he arrived, he was rather put out and seemed to be more concerned that the hired hand was still at the farm and needed a ride home (for those who are wondering, as I was riding at a friend's arena, my horse was safe and cared for). At the hospital, my husband left to drive the hired hand home, and when he returned, he spent most of the time in the waiting room texting. When we left the ER to go home, I was walking (sitting in a wheelchair was impossible) but he offered me no support. He just walked on ahead of me and acted put out when I could not keep up. I asked for a crutch as, with my left SI joint and half of the ribs on my left side damaged, I had no stability. He said no, they cost too much. I went over to the ER desk where the nurses were watching, and if looks could kill, he would have died on the spot and their Unit would not have attempted to resuscitate him. I asked how much the crutches were and the nurse said, 'thirteen dollars,' (wow that is really going to break the bank), She brought me a pair and helped adjust them. I cannot remember if they charged me for them, but I do not recall paying for them. I suspect they gave them to me. When we got home, he helped me out of the truck and that was all. He did nothing the help me into the house, and when I asked him to set up a bed for me on the sofa so I can sleep sitting up, he refused. So, I slept in the day bed in my office. The next morning, he never came to check in on me to see if I needed help getting out of bed, so I had to figure out how to do that myself; that took at least 20 minutes to execute. Fortunately, it is a daybed, which has bars that made it possible for me to pull myself around and up with my right hand. This went on for three days. On the fourth day of this BS, with the aid of the crutch, I made 9 round trips to the farthest end of the house and back to the office to carry the daybed's pillows/cushions and bedding (one item per trip) to the sofa in the sunroom where I made a bed that would support me. All the while, he was outside, drinking beer, and bitching to the hired help about how I was making a big deal out of what was essentially a bunch of bruised ribs. It took several months for me to be able to walk without support, and two years before I could lie flat on my back or on my right side, and during that time I still had to take care of my animals and was expected to do housework as well (the latter never got done). He did clean the kitchen the day after the fall, then later accused me of trashing it within the next two days. As if. If I were to say how many times he actually assisted me personally with anything during those first few months when I could not move, I think it would be safe to say fewer than 15 times. Little things like brushing my hair properly were impossible. I couldn't get into/out of a bath, so that was out for at least three months, and I had to rely on one-handed sponge baths. He brought me coffee, water, and food, and he woke me every 4 hours during the day to tell me to take my pain meds - when he remembered, but that was it. After he went to bed I was completely on my own. During those two years of recovery, he refused to take me to the physio and follow-up doctor appointments, telling me and everyone else that 'It's a f**ing new malady every 2 weeks!'. He later condensed that to 'every 2 days'. I now have permanent damage in my lower back because he stopped taking me to physio. Falling off my horse was probably the best thing to have ever happened to me, for it finally opened my eyes completely and removed all doubt as to where I actually stood in my husband's little world. Once I got back on my feet, I told him to pack his belongings and leave. We were together for 38 years when this happened. I really do not have to think too hard to know how he would treat me in the future should I become infirm and become completely dependent on him for care and assistance. A houseplant would receive better care and consideration. Maybe.

[@smartcookie9724]

Painful radical acceptance... realizing my life was ticking by and the misery with him would only continue until my life was over. I finally realized I felt I would rather be alone on my deathbed than to have him there with me. Hit me like a ton of bricks! I got out from under his dark cloud, got a job, and I bought a motorhome to live in with my furbabies... never again will I waste my life with his kind!! Thank you, Dr. Ramani... your videos have helped give me a life worth living!!

[@tersoohiikyaa5015]

My ex left and used flying monkey to frustrate my new relationship but stood firm

[@tersoohiikyaa5015]

Wow

[@Watchingonthewall24]

My Narc husband sat in the doctors office as she showed us both the xray of my hip. He heard her saying i needed a hip replacement. He claims he didnt know i had a bad hip. He raged at me and pushed backwards onto the ground and i landed on my back and hip. I went to the police. He went to jail. Now hes telling my son and daughter in law he lost his best friend and the person he was supposed tp grow old with. Im having my hip surgery soon but will recover near my friends and family.

[@matikramer9648]

🍀

[@MB-sg8dx]

Wow im so sorry, but so proud of you for calling the police

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

My mom was a tough cookie. She passed before my narc father. She volunteered at the court house her last 15 years helping those who were dealing with domestic violence. Married over 50 years. After her death narc dad started dating the lady next door within a month after mom’s death. Then he went into another relationship then the third lady all seniors stayed with him for about 10 years. While he slowly passed away. He had quit his pills and actually starved himself to death. His last of controlling everything including his death. He had the on start of dementia.during his passing he let me know this lady who was taking care of him and was with him for his last 10 years told me him and her had nothing in common. I realize now she was nothing but supply to him. The narc appreciates no one ..

[@The-Vintage-Needlecrafter]

Yes! It was almost 40 years for me! I am now three months out with no contact, I can tell you it is hard, but I have my freedom which is so, so ,so much worth it!

[@shilparathore3181]

Stay Strong!

[@violetstorm8451]

You just described my marriage to perfection 😢. Luckily, it was a car accident that drew off his mask. And I finally made my move when I realised I hated living but had a beautiful young daughter with complex special needs that needed me to be all I could be and NOT her narcissist father. So I got him out when she was 9 and I was 50. Now we’re moved into our own home, and my goddess, the difference in us both is amazing 🤩. We are both so much calmer and she is thriving. I’m slowly healing from his financial and traumatic verbal abuse as well. ❤

[@beatlebarb64]

I met Mr. Narcissist when I was newly widowed (age 61) - he discarded me at age 74. I regret losing all those years...but I'm free now!

[@caroleminke6116]

Sounds like me but we’re free!

[@ΔεσποιναΒασιλικα]

3 years now...he has been holding me with promises.. A job... Vacations.. Excursions.. When I Said NO to something he wanted..he punished me by giving all these to another woman Later on...he thought he hadn't done anything wrong!!!! I went no contact and he played his last card...by proposing me Of course I denied.. If he can't keep small promises...imagine the big ones.. Still...in his sick mind believes he was a gentleman They are sick people They need help, but by not admitting it...they destroy the others

[@QX-xq5uj]

Great decision to leave him and don't ever let him get you back. My story is similar. I survived 7 months of stalking me and now I'm far away... he also threat me with jumping down a big bridge in our town if I wouldn't marry him! Of course he never did it. The first year no contact is hard and I still feel pain sometimes when the flashbacks from his rage come at night but I'm so glad that my life is now peaceful and do everything I can to heal. Keep strong snd safe🙏🏻❤

[@luli8307]

were we dating the same one? unbelievable how alike they behave. I am happy for you getting out!

[@ΔεσποιναΒασιλικα]

@@luli8307 You see...you are not alone... I am not alone Some stories are so similar.. I was given a fairy tale...but I got a nightmare... Yes...indeed... Not only am I out...but I am in an other region as well Wishing you healing... Best regards from Greece

[@QX-xq5uj]

@@ΔεσποιναΒασιλικα That sounds so familiar to me! My drama occured in Germany and it seemed to have no end so I decided to move far away. Now I'm in Spain and 2 years of no contact! It's validating to hear about your experience and to realize that none of us is alone in our mindfullness! Keep strong and stay safe forever 🌠

[@summacumsoap8983]

"Given a fairytale but got a nightmare"!! Can I borrow that!! Good one! Thx 😢💜​@@ΔεσποιναΒασιλικα

[@tessafisher3768]

Listen carefully to this and take heed as I can personally attest to its veracity. Thank you for voicing this heinous truth Dr. Ramani & bringing it to everyone’s attention.

[@jokendrick2124]

My late husband wouldn't even go buy milk if he was out and about and it was for him! I didn't drink milk. I didn't know what narcissism was for years after he died until I was telling a friend about one of the hateful things my husband had done. My friend had seen Dr Ramani and suggested I watch her and it has helped me immensely with my long term rumination. Life is good.

[@MM-xw1jm]

Such a sad state of affairs. Thank you for a brutal wake-up call for those who are unaware.

[@margiestephens7281]

And there are so many men & women STILL experiencing this today & not even knowing just what it is that they are experiencing. If you try & talk to them about it, they can’t see the whole picture of just WHAT IS happening to them. Thank you, Dr Ramani for your dedication to your life’s work

[@JS-il9nw]

@@margiestephens7281 and children who become adults and still goes on. I have to watch this abuse play out with my kids

[@olyabrenner3590]

I’m so done with future faking I want to scream this is so evil 😢

[@laposa14]

Man I really needed to hear this. I've been the stay home Dad for 3 years and she has made it hell, from financial , mental and emotional abuse. This subject doesn't get talked about enough for men. Thank you very much for your insight.

[@JS-il9nw]

I agree!!! I left my x narc husband and I cant imagine the toll it takes for a man also

[@kanadmitra2424]

I agree. I’m going through something similar, she firstly deserted me with my new born saying she was visiting her parents for a small time and then started making excuses, squeezing money, if you do this I’ll come back, always hanging out the carrot. Still going through lengthy divorce proceedings 2 plus years now. But while not ideal, future will definitely be on my terms not somebody squeezing screws.

[@laposa14]

@@kanadmitra2424 I feel for you, I am sorry. It's a very hard decision for us men because we do not want to teach our kids that this is a healthy loving relationship, but we can also not abandon our children with someone who is destructive and mentally unstable. So what can us men do? Bite the bullet or leave I guess and become another statistic with the overwhelming guilt following us through the rest of our lives and future relationships?

[@kanadmitra2424]

@@laposa14 I’m through with the guilt. I will take my own decisions from now on and live with the consequences. We can only control our own decisions and not anything else. I hope you find happiness in your life. I’m on my own pursuit on the same.

[@laposa14]

@@kanadmitra2424 thank you fellow stranger! I am definitely working on my path forward as well. I just need to make sure my 3 year old has a stable foundation first and a healthy relationship with me so he knows I love him no matter what!

[@ΘΕΟΔΩΡΑΚΑΡΑΠΑΠΑ]

I am divorced for 22 years thank God but some years before that, I had cancer....He didn't help me at all.....He dragged his body looking sad and wanting everybody to feel sorry for him.....I had to take care of my children and him my parents....As for me and my health....God protected me.....

[@patrickbinford590]

"Miracles don't happen in narcissistic relationships." Yeah. Taking that advice. AND: You wanna die HAPPY. Go for the risk FOR that happiness if you recognize this is you. ❤️☮️😎

[@sylviealexandris6696]

This happened to me, I was devastated. I had an accident and ended up with a concussion that left me terrified and in pain. He left three days after my accident because I was too much to deal with, too needy, too different. It was the ultimate abandonment.

[@margiestephens7281]

That’s just what they do because the ONLY thing that really matters to them is themself

[@KimSB12]

Dr. Gabor Mate speaks of the effects of childhood trauma on a person's health. The destruction of my nervous system started at the hands of my "mother", and I became ill with me/cfs (chronic fatigue syndrome) 17 years ago, so I still have no choice but to live with her. I am "lucky" my illness is at a moderate level, but I can't work enough to afford moving out. I told her I cannot and will not take care of her or her husband when she's older, she has family she is actually nice to that can do that. I am hoping my disability benefits will be approved soon and then I'll be able to move, because I would rather end my own life than continue "living" with a narcissist that only gets worse with age. 😿

[@ShahrezadNorMohammadiy9116]

The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith - Bertrand Russell.

[@user7-o9w]

Narcissistic future faking is like binge watching your favorite show until it gets canceled before the finale.

[@keepingitreal-thatsright]

Lol

[@smartcookie9724]

Wow!! You described it so perfectly!!!

[@solideogloria007]

😂

[@Eese.]

Even getting a bagel is an inconvenience for them, even if they were already going out to get one for themselves. Just last week, I experienced this. I cook, clean, pay the bills, and handle everything else. When I asked them to get me a bagel too, they weren't happy about it. In the end, they got it, but when they came back home, they threw it at me.

[@JimmyT-zw2cb]

This is so true. All care goes out, and none comes back.

[@i.l.9546]

Ex told me he wants to ride into the sunset together with me ... but I decided to go by my own😊.

[@caroleminke6116]

Don’t even want my ashes in the same body of water as his!

[@youngblood8540]

"TO THE BITTER END" (I don't think so, the last person you want by your bedside when you're checking out is the one who tortured you. I wouldn't want her face and voice to be like last thing I see and hear before I go.) Does not apply, when you're in a relationship with a narcissist. Don't be a FOOL, GET OUT, AS FAST AS POSSIBLE!

[@Kenzofeis]

It is a bitter end from the start

[@elizabethbettencourt1116]

This video made me cry Thank you for your precious work Dr R! Bless you 🙏 ❤

[@freeslavemind]

Experienced this. Thought we were gonna be together forever. What a damn lie.

[@judithargitay9860]

For me the ultimate dealbreaker is when someone lets me down in times of need or suffering. I lead a very independent life, not asking for support of help often, but being 51, I have naturally had some ups and downs - surgery, loss of a loved one etc. ANYBODY who abandoned me in those times (and I am really not asking much, maybe a supportive phone call, some empathy), is out of my life immediately, I don't care who that person is. I have lost some people because of this "golden rule", but at least I know that those who are still around honestly care about me (and I care about them as well). IMO that's the only thing that matters. I'm not a future teller, I don't know whether I'll grow old alone or not, but I definitely do not need people who give a fig about me in my final years.

[@melaw5]

You are talking directly to me. OMG, I have to listen to this so many times to let it really sink in. I have been watching you for several years, but holding out for retirement, and being a naturally optimistic person. But my narc husband has told me he will not help me if anything happens to me. I feel like he would, but would he really? You are telling me what I truly need to hear and act on. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani.

[@LucyTheBlackCat]

Such an important message

[@karenhohe3435]

I thought The ultimate FUTURE FAKE was going to be that "promise of change". I was tricked by the promise of change but luckily got out before the "growing old together" future fake set in. Whew! Thanks for the excellent content, @DoctorRamani . 💕

[@kyleschroeder9642]

I think the ultimate future fake is the idealization/love bombing itself. You expect consistency in a person and largely consistent treatment. Though you may expect that the relationship may not always remain fiery hot, you don’t expect that originally excessive attention, affirmation, admiration, intimacy, prioritization, etc. to practically go to zero then confusingly be replaced with contempt, belittlement, criticism, or even physical violence in a way that doesn’t even track. It’s like, “I thought I was getting this person, where the hell did that person go?”

[@caroleminke6116]

I agree! People don’t realize that’s part of the manipulation & it’s just meaningless nonsense intended to trap a trusting person ❤️‍🩹 mine even told me that no one had ever loved me like he did… since he was already after new supply I told him that it didn’t feel like love… It had just hurt! Then I informed the younger woman what he was doing to her & she dumped him as well

[@alliwarwick5590]

yep!!!! love what you wrote as I got just that too! They say so much to get you hooked and it's all BS!

[@PeppermintPatties]

Yes, I agree. My ex used to be so inconsistent, that I eventually realised that was part of the manipulation. He said that he reserved the right to change his mind. But if I changed my mind or did anything he didn't like, he accused me of being out for myself. Good grief.

[@faithmoody7212]

This needed to be talked about.

[@cyndim8785]

Yes in high school would be a good start. That’s when I met him and it’s been a bad roller coaster ride every since.

[@diornotwar2356]

I was talking about narcissism in the mid 2000's. The book Malignant Self Love Narcissism Revisited described many members of my family to a T. Unfortunately, I was naive and thought I could "enlighten" the non-narcissists around me, but I was just ganged up on and invalidated by all the enablers and people who wanted to believe "eVeRyOnE iS gOoD aT tHeIr CoRe"

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

Hello sister same here!

[@KimSB12]

Most people are afraid of working through their emotions and pain. It takes courage to face up to your demons and trauma. We are brave for doing the work others won't! I see you. 🤗

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

@@KimSB12 you got that RIGHT, no sugar…

[@JS-il9nw]

My first book on narcissism. Its the Bible !!!

[@jessicaflores1614]

"Miracles don't happen in narcissistic relationships." Uff! What a phrase to close the topic. That hit deep. 😯

[@lorenebaxter-e8c]

Very powerful message, Dr. Ramani. Thank you.

[@JoannaPoppink]

Beautifully, clearly and plainly said. So real and true. Best action is to get out of the relationship and keep all doors locked. Build for your own caretaking based on your own life and values.

[@elleh3495]

you grow old in the first few months with a narc because of how exhausting it is navigating their word soup and bitter drink. never sit at the table with a narc.

[@denisemcdougal6445]

Damn I just realized that. And have decided to just be by myself

[@ΔημητραΚατσικιδη]

Good for you!!! There's a great greek proverb that says: "dance alone and jump as much as you please", refering to the freedom and control of ones life when by yourself.

[@cherrybacon3319]

It was my Dream to grow older with the man I loved. But, I still wanted to be able to live and enjoy life as we grew older, after the years of abuse and discards etc, I realised I was growing older and being controlled without being able to enjoy my life. I looked at him one day when he was asleep and I saw an old man who was cruel to me and who was my Prison Guard, so I eventually left. And now I enjoy life a bit more even though I'm on my own, which is far better with possibilities to enjoy things than I had with him. 🍒

[@sharryb3841]

Thank you Dr Ramani 🌺 hearing the words 'Your illness is their inconvenience' validated what i'd long felt but questioned whether it was an unfair judgement of the inconvenienced.

[@benjamin734]

❤ DR, watching You on the big screen from Jail was like a vacation, I love you.J3

[@MrMasterDebate]

When my dad was dying of cancer, all his covert narc mom and narc brother did was condemn that I wasn’t helping them to replace the free labor they got from dad. They didn’t even care I was also juggling law school. My dad died saying he never felt his family loved him and he was crushed they couldn’t even fake it. The day before he died he was asking if he was a good father, and I just broke down with the level of cruel behaviors were allowed and kept hidden by abuse enablers. I miss him a lot.

[@rypoelk997]

For children who got out of the family system, it truly is painful to watch

[@liz-paiva]

Many thanks from Brazil, Dr Ramani. You've been really helpful. May you always be blessed.

[@macliadevalon7336]

You're right, they are really insane with money. I am glad to know that this is a known fact. It is a real nightmare, I couldn't believe what I am living.

[@pinkmeadows]

I get great anxiety when I hear “you yourself going to get old one day ya know”. these ppl dont have a f-ing clue what hell ive been through with these ppl to only be told the table gonna turn so be careful😓

[@summacumsoap8983]

I know, I know. .so hurtful but the same ppl don't have clue #1. Best to not go there in the first place with such ppl. Only sets ourselves up for ignorant comments 💜😢🙏

[@juliebryson4998]

OMGoodness. This frightens me a fair bit!

[@hibiscus1974]

yess it’s so scary, but it’s the truth we must face on..

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

Possibly a wake up call.. unless u have money. Hospice took care of my dying mom in the home. My dad was a narc..

[@eph2vv89only1way]

I have no doubt that my ex would not take care of me as I age. Good indicators of that were when I was in the hospital after an appendectomy with complications and he kept telling me to ask the doctor to let me go home so I could get some housework done, and when I wasn't home after 5 days he called the doctor himself to try to get him to send me home. Also, I have narcolepsy and he accused me of lying and of faking the severity of my exhaustion. I asked him to come to appointments with my sleep specialist and see for himself but he refused. So I brought home medical literature listing the symptoms, including the fact that exhaustion on an average day for someone with narcolepsy is equal to a healthy person who hasn't slept in 48-72 hours, but he refused to look at it. So no way would he have taken care of me when I get older.

[@turnbacktime65]

I’m still stuck in an 18 yr relationship for financial reasons. I’m ok for now because of you, Dr R. The videos are my therapy. Having you clearly explain narcissism every step of the way has been a lifesaver. I actually laughed at his behavior. He wanted me to carry his things (yes, I did this for years. Stupid me.) after I’d carried mine and I was waiting in the car. I said no. Just no. He said “see, that’s why I fall down.” 😂😂 Before I’d have thought I should be responsible. Not anymore.

[@sheriwahinekapu7033]

This is the best message that was my final decision to leave. It was a one-way trip to ill health. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Since leaving, my health improved. You are helping me tremendously.

[@LisLara]

OMG, that was his last strategy, once he knew I knew! The marriage was already broken, and we were on a "holiday". I was preparing my exit at that time and didn't want to make him suspicious of my moves, so I kept saying yes all the time, even though we hardly talked to each other in that trip!

[@l.5832]

Married 23 years to a narc though at the time I'd never heard of narcissism. I nursed him through several industrial accidents where I didn't even know whether he would survive. Several years later I got pneumonia. He served me with divorce papers that had him get everything. Had to find a lawyer as I was trying to recover. This occurred over Christmas. That happened 7 years ago. I have a place of my own, will stay forever single. Money will always be a struggle but at least I have freedom.

[@champe0n61]

When I was 14 I was told I was faking an ear infection to get out of swim practice. When it spread to my sinuses, I was making it up to get out of school. When the antibiotics werent working because the infection had become resistant, and become an intercranial abscess, I was seeking attention. I have a headscar from eat to ear and narcolepsy. Theres an artificial dimple in my forehead where a titanium screw holds my skull together. My mother tells people that the infection was caused by allergies. I've been no contact with her for years, but she will lift lictures from my sister's social media page and send them to friends to maintain appearances.

[@Ambika5364]

Oh goodness, that is so so cruel. I'm sorry u had to go thru that but i'm so proud of you for going no contact. Stay strong, love and blessings ❤

[@sunshineandflowers474]

When I was sick and when the maid informed my NARC MOTHER that I was sick and probably need some medical assistance, my mother has asked the maid if I bribed the maid with money to act as if I was really sick. Even after 20years this memory makes me sick in body to think that how come such a person could give birth to me. I am away from her now for the good. I see you and I am sorry for what you have been through

[@the.toxic.phoenix]

Yup. My narc destroyed my mental and physical health, then when I became very poorly, chronically ill, disabled, needing to use a wheelchair, he couldn't cope. No empathy. I was a burden on him. I'd never find anyone else to be with me now. The abuse really stepped up. He became really financially controlling. He was always really weird with money. Facing a future on my own, penniless, not wanting another relationship, very few friends local, it's lonely

[@xincenxie437]

hug you, it's totally ok, we still alive. I want to be in America

[@01splitpea]

I agree, Dr. Ramini. The ^ the road for a narcissistic individual is right about the time their partner requires care. Suddenly, many file for divorce, or just scarper outright.

[@doreenm8693]

These were very important messages. Thank you so much.

[@genevalawrence801]

Our society pushes us into staying when we should not with this idea of having someone to grow old with. One strong reason people do stay is a very real fear of their prospects of having any kind of care if we do not. That fear can keep us pinned in place. In the US, it would be accurate would be to say that the medical system currently in place is not there to provide caregiving when you age. It is there to profit from you until you have nothing left and then warehouse you until you’re dead. There is no safety net, and no compassion, in our present system. What insurance there is for long term care is inadequate and too limited when the need actually arises. When you are old and in too poor a condition to work, you have no value as a human being in the US. A future faker who says “let’s grow old together” when growing old and needing care is such an awful experience sounds like a lifeline. I think that some folks, when faced with one danger they can see clearly and one that is harder to see, will run toward the one that looks like security, even though in reality it’s quicksand.

[@ginkgo2021]

Yes. I feel I’m shamed for being dumped by him after 30 years together. Hats off to him for an excellent smear campaign. He chose his flying monkeys well. This channel though has thrown me a lifeline. I’m sorry others have gone through this but I’m comforted in an odd way in knowing I’m not the only person.

[@ginkgo2021]

@@genevalawrence801 you nailed it I feel like people think I’m a freak because I’m not part of a couple anymore

[@LODvsTheInternet]

I've experienced this Exactly. Luckily I didn't have a permanent ailment.

[@ronmartin6317]

Thanks!

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

It’s heart breaking to realize the damage done. Prioritizing my health safety wellbeing and life. Taking myself back. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@EmmersonCole]

Not a partner, but my brother's idea of care giving is going out when I was too sick to leave the house to buy me medicine and a sports drink with electrolytes in it, but when he came back, he gave me the receipts and said that he won't give the medicine and drink to me until I log into my bank account and pay him back. Lucky one of his friends was with him who immediately called him out. I would've been happy to pay him back if he asked politely, but his friend said "you're not asking him for a damn cent after the way you just treated him." This happened years ago, I am now no-contact with my brother. If someone does this when you're still boyfriend/girlfriend or engaged, run.

[@joannaRB]

You are so right. The scenario that you painted, is me- elderly, trauma bound partner of a narcissist, in great danger of further financial abuse because she has been abandoned in her late sixties. Yes, the damage to health has been and is tremendous. So is the isolation, ruminations, anguish. But fighting and slowly making a little progress. The divorce is awful, money matters vicious but he is going to lose this battle. And I will move somewhere where I still have friends from 20 years ago. And find a kind paid caretaker. My memory has deteriorated after I left him. It took a long time to realize what this person was all about. 20 years ago the concept of narcissism was not commonly known. Listening to you has helped a lot, to understand what was going on. For that I thank you!

[@luli8307]

I recall my ex who was 9 yrs older saying nonchalantly one day that he needs somebody to take care of him as he grows older. Sometimes they even speak the truth and you just need to not romanticize it. It gave me ick the moment it was said.

[@tongou3277]

Thank you Dr Ramani, with today’s video, you help me walk and understand how to get through my journey 😭 healthier. Listen to as many videos as I can and read “It’s Not You” help me sleep better and the most important and meaningful part is the decreased rumination. It is so difficult to control my grief and cry

[@youngblood8540]

Narcissists don't take care of you or treat you good when you're healthy, how do you think they'll treat you when you get old and get sick? Imagine changing the diapers on a sick narcissist 😂 or worse them changing yours, they'll never change it and you'll be in a dirty diaper all week and not fed.😢

[@Alison-o9d]

A narcissist wouldn’t even last a week in hardcore caregiving. Dr. Ramani touches on the sad realities of this in the U.S. and probably everywhere. It’s the sheer physical and mental toll it takes on any human to do ongoing care for someone, daily without tending to your own needs. This hardship is compounded tenfold when trying to help a narcissist while having no medical training. In the end, a narcissist will be the mean person they always were to the core all the way to Hospice.

[@lynnmarieanderson1744]

This is already a lot of the reality of people who are in nursing homes. You can’t expect the people giving care there to be on top of everything and they aren’t paid that well.

[@vvg5574]

Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@Ivar-V]

So, not to toot my own horn but I’ve managed to dodge the bullet several times by repeatedly falling for bad relationships but yet somehow ruining them by trying to be healthy. Getting there ya’ll. Learning not to blame myself! Forming new and better habits. Removing the clutter in my heart for someone worthwhile.

[@PeppermintPatties]

Listening to this, Dr.Ramani, Im feeling like i got off lightly with 15 years with my partner. I'm 15 months out. It's hard. It's heartbreaking. But I'm free to grow now. Im giving myself the love he couldn't give me. ❤️

[@clarencemadjoe3599]

Dr. it is the Worst!!! Future faking is the worst lie that can be told!

[@sparkygump]

My narc discarded me after I became disabled ending a 23 year marriage. Accused me of living off of her while forgetting how I supported her. Now I'm 61, disabled and in poverty. smh

[@arianasha]

TOP NOTCH.. Thank you Dr Ramani so much I know what I need to do now before of eve as this happening!

[@blue.5058]

I had a stoke three months ago. It put me in the hospital or physical therapy for over a month. My parents almost immediately made my situation about themselves. It is their MO- they make a bunch of promises, but don’t produce any results. All they do is talk. In fact, my father even said, “I don’t care if he lives or dies!” when my wife notified him of what happened (we were still connected via cell phone at the time so I know he said this). It was also where I discovered he went about sabotaging my career for his own selfish purposes. Yet he STILL goes about “love” and “family” (something he knows NOTHING about)? The worst part was all the enabling of “future faking” from my mother, who claimed a bunch of stories but with no delivery. In fact, she went onto tell stories she considered “good times” when said father cheated on her. I had to have her banned from my hospital room as a result.

[@keariewashburn4680]

Thank you so much for talking about this topic Dr Ramani ❤

[@jessicaselenecenteno]

It’s called swindling.

[@Mama.bear.]

Thank you. This is sobering and needed for many of us.

[@heyarchie]

I am gay and in 3 months after "fairy taile" with my ex, I was willing to spend the rest of my life with him. He promised me bright future, moving to another country, building family together etc. It took me years of abuse from his side to finally realize, that I was nothing but entertainment for him. The saddest part, so far it was the only one person in my life I wanted to grow old together, but hopefully one day I will fall in love again.

[@menotyou6254]

You mean to be in love the first is with yourself and then to share it and cocreator with somebody else you were never in love with that person and they definitely were not in love with you you were tricked it was a Mirage. .

[@todds808]

You rock!

[@lynnmarieanderson1744]

It’s very difficult for everyone in general getting older. There are a number of people becoming homeless when they’re older that never experienced that when they were younger. Becoming more forgetful, developing serious physical and mental health issues is common. Many people, narcisstic or not , can really need help with navigating doctor appointments and making sure they get their medications and taking them properly and if you just can’t afford to spend money on it, that help is not there. I am 53, the adult child of parents in their 80s. I have a lot of problems and I love my parents but they are exhausting and my sisters and I know that death is just around the corner for both of them. They absolutely do not want any assisted living or nursing home care, they know how expensive it is and how bad it can be, but it is very hard on my sisters and me to deal with and it causes all kinds of hostility and problems between everyone. We have become a family of bitterness and hate and no one really wants to be at a family gathering anymore, even though we all don’t live that far from each other.

[@shainanash8518]

I will never take care of the narcissist who is 77 years old. It is never going to happen. He has choices of going into a rest home. I have a daughter. I will somehow be with her and or I will die. But, I have only cared for people that I love like my husband and parents. But, this horrible partner will get nothing. The last time he was sick , I dropped him on it. He has been shittly to me for 17 years. I am doing the work around until I could leave. He thinks handing me a glass of water is care giving. I am not afraid of alone. I am afraid of loosing my house and having not enough money to pay for half. I use to be able to break up with the narcissists but not now. It would mean instant death for me. Money is power. I do not have much of it but I do not have intermingled finance. I have my daughter hold all the money that I earn. It is all in her name. I am saving to make my exit. I hate the narcissistic partner. I have been planing for a while. Thanks for the help, Dr. Ramani. Death is a step up from living with a narcissist.

[@saturdayschild8535]

I’m still reeling from falling for this one. Twenty office years. Gone. They just walk into the secret life they maintained like you never existed. Pure evil.

[@cleaningtim]

You are spot on! I am facing this today as I did decades ago from the same person.

[@Maggied50]

I just had a heart procedure this past week and my husband was fishing. He decided to pick a fight with me before going fishing and I haven’t heard from him since.

[@Ambika5364]

Wtf😢 pls take care, stay strong ❤

[@dianeschuchaskie1638]

ONE OF THE "BEST" VIDEOS I HAVE SEEN I A LONG TIME. THANK YOU DR. RAMANI. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK.

[@Hjki473]

To place hope in thing's promised or agreed to ends up hurting us tremendously

[@yukio_saito]

"Two to tango nonsense" 😅🤣😂 Their relationship is not like that. They involve you in the vortex of chaos. 🌀

[@tahwsisiht123]

Growing awareness of narcissism and its consequences are truly evolutionary.

[@marcusgibson5189]

The thought of having to live the rest of my days with a narcissistic gaslighting demon however long that is.... Is tantamount to having to eat the contents of your stomach everyday along with bowel as a side dish. 🤢

[@MichaelBroder]

My ex is 15 years YOUNGER than me and often talked about how cute I would be when I was 75 and he was pushing me around in my wheelchair. That always gave me the creeps. And at some point, that idea came to terrify me-Baby Jane much? It’s a big part of why I left when I did. Of course, he proceeded to try to sell the house out from under me!

[@ScarletAlchemist888]

Good Afternoon, my name is Teyani. Thank you for creating videos. Blessings from Cosmic Mother Universe.

[@ABDra2]

This is my parents! My mom takes care of her brother and her husband (my father). I’m in my 50s I’m still parented by the N. They’ve been married almost 50yrs. My mom is a saint for staying in that relationship with that man. I’m semi-estranged because “I’m too snappy and they’re afraid I’d bite their heads off”. Whatever! Thank you for your videos. It has helped me see the crap I grew up with.

[@Ambika5364]

I swear, narcissistuc households always label us i.e the ones who see the truth as the "angry" and "snappy" ones

[@sondra4789]

You’re telling my story. 40 years and he just reverse discarded me. I’m disabled partly due to his SA and having a hard time working. He’s found a younger “new supply” but didn’t want to divorce me but keep the AP too! I’m divorcing him, he’s 58 and the new supply is younger. I can’t figure out the end game here. Is that woman going to take care of him? He’s not healthy either. I’m getting healthier naturally through diet and exercise. He’s just drinking and love bombing (her) to death I think. I’m moving on with my life and don’t really care anymore. My trauma bond almost killed me but after I realized he truly didn’t care about me one single bit and some good therapy I felt my trauma bond starting to release. Thank you for your videos because yours and some others, and also FB groups have helped me tremendously! ❤

[@sushmayen]

Past is bad, Present is worse and future is worst. Good parts are thrown here and there and gone before we can blink.

[@keepingitreal-thatsright]

Wow. That’s a very negative viewpoint on your world. I was married to a covert narcissist, but not once did I run on that type of energy. Sounds like you have a lot more work to do on yourself to get to a better viewpoint on life.

[@benjamin734]

B Strong.

[@ElizabethWildy]

100% correct based on my own experience

[@annemosbergen3951]

​@spiritual2020 I'm questioning your "covert narcissist" diagnosis.

[@annemosbergen3951]

​@@keepingitreal-thatsright I'm questioning your "Covert Narcissist" Diagnosis.

[@Myopia2047]

Stress model of staying in a narcissistic relationship resonates so much with me

[@kristibelville7532]

Thank you very much .. This really hit home for me. I have been sick for 10 years. He has treated me like total c*** for 10 years. Didn't get a diagnosis. Till 2 years ago, it's MS... like i knew it was.. I've been fighting for people to listen to me from the first place, he just left me knowing I'm sick. That's what I did wrong. I couldn't be the same person that he got with. It has been a mess since March. I got approved for disability on the fifth. He said he was done on the eighth. And I am trying to move out being sick. I have a 16 year old that he does not treat well either. Because my 16 year old has been by my side. This whole time and talk about older kids. He already told my daughter ask her if she was gonna take care of me.... the first time he had to do something to take care of me. He throw wash rags at me when I asked him for wet rags for my head.. it's been hell w this man.. Everything I hear about a narcissist... It is him all the way.

[@AzraelDeLeon]

I love you so much, Doctor Ramani. I know that’s weird to say. Thank you for your wisdom and love.