Does Betrayal Blindness and the Fawning Stress Response Show up in Your Relationship?

Kristin M, Snowden, MA, LMFT, CDWF specializes in betrayal trauma, addiction recovery, and helping individuals/couples navigate relationship crises. This is a free webinar provided for WeTonglen.com members (female betrayed partners of male sex addicts) but is helpful and informative for anyone in severe couples crises and looking for a healthier way forward. Kristin educates on concepts around betrayal blindness (the unawareness, not-knowing, and forgetting exhibited by people towards betrayal). What is it? What causes it? And how to prevent it. Kristin also discusses the Fawning trauma response (related to the fight, flight, freeze trauma/stress responses)--also known as the "please and appease" stress response. These two responses can occur in intimate relationships where there might be a hidden addiction, infidelity, or emotional abuse regularly occurring. Kristin helps viewers understand how betrayal blindness and one's trauma responses can sometimes become obstacles to betrayed partners setting and holding boundaries and/or getting their wants/needs met in their relationships. Understanding how these relational reactions show up can help viewers change painful patterns or become unstuck from an abusive relationship dynamic. This is helpful for betrayed partners, people struggling in their life and relationships, recovering addicts, and trauma survivors.
(THIS IS EDUCATIONAL ONLY, THIS IS NOT THERAPY)
www.kristinsnowden.com | [e-mail]
FREE ONLINE COMMUNITY AND RESOURCES: www.kristinsnowden.com/free-r...
Highlights
1:20--How betrayal impacts your life, relationships, and well-being
2:10--Types of betrayal trauma
3:15--What is betrayal blindness
3:50--Background on betrayal blindness
4:35--Various examples of betrayal blindness
5:10--Important caveat to betrayal blindness
7:18--Why we need to understand how betrayal blindness can show up and how to protect yourself in the future
8:50--How to improve your instincts and intuition to keep yourself safe
13--Dr. Jennifer Freyd's research on betrayal blindness
15:30--Choosing to stay with someone not in recovery
16:05--Potential causes of betrayal blindness
19:30--Empathy is different from betrayal blindness
23:02--The Fawning (Please/Appease) trauma response
26:42-5Tools to stop unhealthy patterns and responses in crisis relationships
29:50--Trauma disrupts your instincts and intuition
34:55--Important questions to ask yourself when you're in crisis
Get my FREE eBook: A Guide to Navigating Relationship Crisis: bit.ly/RelationshipCrisis to set you down a path toward healing and clarity. It’s a small collection of education, important first steps, and resources to get you through the initial crisis period.
Need help and guidance now? Get Kristin's Relationship Masterclass: Resiliency & Recovery Access her full online library of eye-opening content, helpful tools, comprehensive workbook, and much more. Options for one-on-one LIVE COACHING with Kristin bit.ly/RRROnlineProgram
**Join Kristin's LIVE (zoom) WORKSHOPS for betrayed partners and beyond. Please visit this link for dates/times to register. bit.ly/KristinsWorkshops
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**Connect with Kristin's IG Account / kristinmsnowden for announcements and discounts
JOIN KRISTIN'S FREE LIVE WEBINARS EVERY ODD MONTH, THE SECOND WEDNESDAY OF THE MONTH AT 9:30 AM (pacific time) through SexandRelationshipHealing.com . Zoom link: zoom.us/j/244109360
#betrayaltraumarecovery #couplesincrisis #betrayalblindness #fawningstressresponse #addictionrecovery #infidelity #divorce #therapy
Kristin is the co-author of Life Anonymous: 12 Steps to Heal & Transform Your Life bit.ly/LifeAnonymousBook

[@laureebner7454]

Wow, you described my life perfectly. It took me 36 years to wake up and see my (ex)husband for who he really is. I lived in such a fog of deceit. I wanted so badly to believe his lies and keep our family together. I am still healing.

[@rosasalazar1467]

This happened to me on 11/1/22. I saw the text messages and minimized because I couldn't believe he would do this me. My mind went blank and never did I think he would do this to me. Did I get amnesia? He ended up going to her house and spending the night. He had ED, so I thought he cant cheat? I was so wrong! I have trauma.

[@cecischaeffer2669]

I was first betrayed by my husband in 2011. It was catastrophic and I divorced him. He kept continuing to contact me, telling me he was in recovery, he was sober, he was healed, he went to counseling, he did the 12 steps, etc. So after 4 years of separation, we remarried in 2015. It took me 4 years to trust and believe him again. I told him if it happens again, that’s it. So I gave him a second chance. I just found out he acted out again. When I caught him, he got physical and attacked me physically. His mask was dropped, and I saw a monster before my face. I’m devastated. He came “clean” and I found out he never stopped. Since the first time. This is beyond traumatic because I thought I was secure and safe. This is 17 years with him and so much history. He’s begging again for a THIRD chance, swearing he will show me he’s changed. I’m done in my “head”, but my heart is breaking. He sounds so convincing. But everything you described in this video is me…wanting that blindness and just go back to “normal”. I want to file for legal separation. I want to move on without him. But…the pain is ripping my heart apart.

[@Mindstangle]

I am a man, and I have cheated i often thought my wife was sort of fine with it(which is ridiculous) since the many changes i requested from her never materialized, while i changed at her behest quite significantly. when she accepted i'd be staying in the same hotel as my coworker or traveling with her more frequently afterwards, it seemed obvious to me. it seemed this was the compromise she was making instead of changing. i know this is absurd, i am just saying. i thought she would do more to work on the relationship since the elation of the affair made me feel like i wanted to/could leave permanently. you really wouldn't like a romantic dinner with a friendly, strange, handsome man in a wonderful restaurant and then to return to an amazing hotel room overlooking the city to just smoke and talk and drink before having sex and falling asleep, before returning to our lives by plane early in the morning? honestly, it felt so good i often thought it would be better for our marriage if she had one too. that's what i don't understand about all of this, why can't you just enjoy it, too? these channels complain about you giving us passes for our 'trauma' while claiming us cheating is 'trauma' for you. the difference is, i don't think most women are as capable of compartmentalizing it unless they feel they are upgrading permanently, whereby they almost always completely devalue their current partner and plan to do everything to be with their new one. men, on the other hand, usually do the opposite. you see no value there? this channel even considers pornography cheating. are you telling me the women against pornography have never had any fantasy about any man other than their husband? never read anything racy or even had a moment's desire for another man? are you really telling me that since you've been married you never once strayed in your mind for one moment? what's the difference? no part of any man's physique or affect has ever caught your eye? maybe you're addicted to this fantasizing you're doing! i want you to write down a fantasy admission list which i will carefully scrutinize with a hostile therapist! it just seems so heavily focused on monogamy, which is different for men and women. it's so difficult to go from an average man from ages 15-35 and then suddenly have women launching year-long campaigns to seduce you for little reason more than to spite your wife, simply because women are mean. can you not just see my haplessness as genuine? imagine being a man in this system. i am sincerely sorry it hurts you, not really sure what to do. i don't think i can stop, it feels better to me than getting a divorce or being depressed or doing drugs and it just feels like what you should do while you're young enough. he will probably cheat again, but it seems very wasteful to throw all the history away. i am sure he doesn't want you to throw him away, he is as hurt by you leaving as you are by anything. at least that can make you feel good, although he isn't whatsoever sadistic when he 'betrays' you. just forgive him, honestly. it's just sex to us, you have many benefits for being a woman. literally every man is the same, anyway. if i were a woman, i would view a man like a dog and expect the same things from him. every man, if he can, will. view it as a feature, not a bug. i like jiu jitsu. in jiu jitsu it's all about fighting in the most gentle way possible. whenever someone does something to you you don't like, like strangling you, a competent person nearly never does something predictable. if i were you and i really loved a man, i would become more slutty and try to get him to invite me into his psychological harem where i would become its manager vs. just being the most important member of it, which you assuredly are. men are blind while interested in sex and you can get a more clear picture of him. he can't escape from his sexual desire, expecting him to tamp it down is just going to cause a demon to erupt elsewhere. just try to use it for something, for your own purposes. at least you are in control of the relationship, he obviously reveres you.

[@corriewatterson]

@@MindstangleThis is a lot of words to say that you think lying to your spouse is acceptable. I hope your wife/partner knows this about you, or finds out ASAP so she can divorce you. You want to be single or solo polyamorous? Go for it. Marriage is for people who want to make vows to someone else - and keep them.

[@antilaw9911]

I wouldn't want you either. Because the trauma attachment you has with him in your past all them years. Why its so hard to find somebody. Because they all damaged.

[@michealsilvey1124]

Hugs.... ohhhh... my heart breaks for you. 32 years marriage here and it gets WORSE each year... my opinion is that it us BEST you leave

[@marciestoddard730]

And hows it going now? 10 months after the betrayal?

[@ingridpilon4646]

I can’t believe that I found this. This is exactly how I am feeling. I found out my husband was addicted to porn 10 years ago. I never felt I got the help I needed. My husband went to 6 months of therapy and said his Therapist told him he was done. We never met together with him. We went to a marriage counselor and came In One time happy and smiling she told us we were done. We never addressed the elephant in the room. He told me we would have a better marriage. It’s the same. Now 10 years later I feel like something is wrong again. I am crying like I was back then. I would love to have a counselor like you near me.

[@KristinSnowden]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d encourage you to check out the resources and support on WeTonglen and SexandRelationshipHealing.com. I also have a very small betrayed partners group starting mid April that may be helpful to you. You can learn more here www.kristinsnowden.com/live-workshops

[@ingridpilon4646]

Thank you Kristen. I have tried to ask for what I want and I don’t get it. I am so sad right now and my husband is oblivious to it. He swears he isnt using . I just don’t know what to believe. Thank you so much for responding

[@grandmascatsandbooks]

I feel like you have been a spy on my entire life and decided to make a video to explain what you’ve observed. It felt so uncanny to listen to this because I can hardly believe how incredibly accurate this was about me and my 30 years of marriage. ❤

[@KristinSnowden]

Hopefully it helps you feel like you’re not alone and there is help and support out there for you.

[@grandmascatsandbooks]

@@KristinSnowden yes, and now I’m binge watching your videos. ❤️

[@jilliem]

20 years of lies, cheating exposed July 2023.

[@PhatFrankiiie]

Excellent Video and advice. Thank you 🙏🏻

[@andymessman8726]

Thank you!!!! I knew something was off! And now he is angry and irritated and tells me I’m controlling! His counselor is not an addiction counselor, and he is treating me worse than ever. What should I do? Ughhhhh I feel so unimportant lied to gaslighted and ALONE! How is any of this love? I don’t feel like I have the full truth!

[@KristinSnowden]

Find a betrayed partners group?

[@jennifersim3262]

Hello from Vancouver BC Canada this is my first time listening to your podcast😊thank you so much. It helped me to understand struggles I've had my whole life. My perpetrators are all dead now but it doesn't mean that I don't struggle every single day

[@KristinSnowden]

Glad you’ve found the content helpful.y website KristinSnowden.com also has a lot of free resources.

[@plantskywalka]

41:31 Forks over knives

[@brianmunoz3933]

❤

[@andymessman8726]

My boundaries didn’t matter after the second date! I never wanted any of this! 3 years of lies! It was all fake! He doesn’t care how bad I feel at all. Empathy? Hahaha not even a week!

[@janberger4057]

My former husband slowly developed a gambling addiction. Every vacation, whether it was a driving vacation or a flight somewhere, he planned to be near a casino. Then, he began to day-trade in the stock market, which even out marriage counselor gaslite me by discounted his gambling addition by saying "Everyone invests in the stock market, my wife invests our money in the stock market". The problem was that he was losing LARGE amounts of money with his so called "investing". At one point, we had purchased a fixer-upper house and had gutted the interior upper 2 floors while our young family of 4 were living in the tiny basement apartment. My husband lost $250,000 in the stock market in one week, which was ALL of our remodeling money . If it looks like a duck, if it quack like a duck, if it waddled like a duck, then it is a DUCK!!!

[@jimbovb2130]

I honestly thought my wife was going through menopause and that’s why she had no interest in being intimate or having sex with me. As it turns out she was getting it elsewhere 😪

[@KristinSnowden]

I’m so sorry. That is so painful.

[@jimbovb2130]

@@KristinSnowden [incredibly painful

[@davidhensley2710]

I'm with you bro.

[@andymessman8726]

I thought mine was having heart issues because he lost interest during sex. Porn thanks! Lies! Thanks, blaming myself, thanks. I am so heartbroken! Betrayed by multiple women. Ewwww

[@andymessman8726]

No he is not!

[@user-od6km4oi3x]

Dont worry, guys fr

[@user-od6km4oi3x]

thats her reflection of self.

[@rosasalazar1467]

How do I heal so I never go through this again?

[@KristinSnowden]

I encourage a small safe support group that you trust to help you work on boundaries, consequences, and “healthiest steps forward”. Sometimes there are 12 step communities that can be helpful in this way. I also hold regular small group workshops to work on these issues.

[@user-hp6md8zl9t]

Gosh 14 yrs of gas lighting 😅 then nothing fir 4 yrs exceot letters cards 2 yrs left me b then outa no qere he poped bk in my life to do it all again fir wht he never had to get what he never got as in 2 ladies 4 hus pmeaseur. Nanipulated me to martigae just after my mum passed ladt august lol and hw used his light to his iqn wnds make u mind uo or singned seaked deliverd me a reiki persin u gota just trust in u own power no not my faukt or families

[@FranzVonGaart]

are you drunk?

[@recoveryrocks1]

What?