Does the Narcissist Envy YOU? (READ THE DESCRIPTION)

The narcissist never envies WHO you are - he envies what you possess or accomplish.
Chooses you not for who you are but for what you can give (4 Ss)
Doesn’t do empathy, emotions
This is why often ends up with borderlines who are as abusive as he is
Emotions are weaknesses: holds you in contempt
Emotions are fake, manipulative: you are the enemy, narcissistic injury (you underestimate him)
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[@writer1986]

Great reminder. I’m married to a narc. I wasted 5 years bending over backwards for him, doing things for him, taking part in family functions with his narc family, and everyone just gives me the cold shoulder. Now I keep quiet and do my own thing, and prioritize my children. My husband and his family are suddenly nice. Too late. I see them for who they truly are, and I’m done being nice.

[@BigOrangeBus]

They’re only nice because you’re no longer giving them supply. Narcs can’t stand being ignored.

[@gordanaginamihajlovska6125]

After 30 years with what I consider to be a narscistic partner, I learned that he was a shell of a human being. He had no ability to move above himself on any level.

[@EnoughSaid564]

So well said 👏👏

[@amyolson267]

Me, too! He has no actual self at all. I've never been so happy in my life to be free of him.

[@PiscesinVa]

Agreed 💯 did 27 years with one

[@Mrs.TJTaylor]

No, they don’t envy us, but we pity them. They’ll never know real, selfless love to give or receive. Not even for their children. It’s the only thing worth the ride on earth.

[@kingtutsirai994]

its sad I cant give her the love she deserved.

[@deb4610]

In my experience, this is true. I kept trying harder and harder to be more loving, giving, forgiving, kind, which just made me resentful. It and I was never enough. A complete waste of my time and energy, although I did learn a lot.

[@JazTheAdvocate]

Is this why mirroring is so effective? Instead of seeing someone to blame, he sees himself

[@milap74]

Knowing this is oh so comforting. Knowing this is liberating. Accepting that I don’t exist for him anymore is much easier to digest than a thought “I wonder if he ever thinks of me and if I ever meant anything to him?”. Thank you.

[@amycoffman9092]

In the begining of this video I was thinking "hell no he doesn't envy me. What the heck is Sam on this morning." The he said basically the same. I had to laugh. I love it when Sam gots jokes. 😅😅😅

[@radio_blah_blah]

Nope - the envy your success, money and everything that has to do with a better status

[@samvaknin]

Yes. Not WHO you are - but what you POSSESS or have.

[@Fiona99960]

@@samvaknin what about sarcasm? The one I was with 1,5 years, coverd narc. He enjoyed our sarcastic jokes, and admited it several times. Being sarcastic is personall quality not possession.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

It seems that the contempt is a defense.

[@briannall6232]

No reason to envy me.... NO Out for Money, that's it.

[@beebee1676]

This is very hard to reconcile as a parent of someone who has grown up to be a narcissist. Husband, lover, friend, even a sibling or parent is easier to seperate yourself from that you own child. It's heartbreaking.

[@latikabenz6289]

Every single video is so accurate 😮 I am astonished

[@amycoffman9092]

And damn it Sam I'm real tired of being punished. My narc told me once that if his own mother can't love him then how can anyone else. Hurt my heart when he told me that. That was in the beginning before I realized the hell he'd be putting me through

[@Celinah]

Same here..

[@katadam2186]

Not everyone is his mother, something that is easy to comprehend, treating you horrible isn’t ever going to fix what she did to him…. I wonder if after the parent and a few early relationships out of their homes ( young attraction in dating, a boss job that was low level etc) they say to themselves that’s it I trust no one and then become the thing that helped create them their mother or father

[@jillwaite7484]

This is terrifying. I can't work out who is the narcissist. I'm 63 and just woken up to myself. I have more research to do, more videos to watch. I hope I can trust your work. I need to understand this, properly.

[@amycoffman9092]

I have a funny story about my narc. We were kinda fighting one morning. I'm quick to raise me voice. Always have been. He says to me 'why do you always gotta yell at me?" My response "idk cuz I'm Italian. " he looked me dead in the eyes and said "no your not. Your German. " mind you he has met my family. He met my 100% Italian grandmother. I was speechless and baffled. I assume he said that cuz he's German. I still think it was one of our weirder moments among many. 😅😅😅😅

[@amycoffman9092]

No doubt. On this instance I do believe in his head I was/am german like himself.

[@amycoffman9092]

I do have another funny one. My narc told me he's allergic to mushrooms. I asked him if he has an anafalactic reaction(throat swells shut) he said yes. Something told me he's lying. Anyways we got home pretty late from work one night and stopped and picked up a frozen pizza. I picked out the kind. Get home make the pizza. About half way through he realizes there's mushrooms on it. I didn't even notice. He freaks out. Pissed at me cuz I picked it out. Bla bla bla. I told him I'd look for some benadryl for him. I found a benadryl bottle with 2 advils in it. So I played them off as benadryl. With a half hour he was all better. 🤣🤣I never told him.

[@EchoSpectrum4]

I burst out laughing at the beginning hahahaha. It hurts but I also know it’s true and there’s so many people on social media saying the opposite. Sadly I think they’re telling themselves these things more than anything. Thank you for keeping it real. I’m still laughing 😂

[@gentbinaku4458]

I met this girl a couple of years back we just were in the same social circle, and one day she sat me there and said I love you we are going to work on our relationship and I was like I better love people who love me, it's a sin to not love people. I told a friend about this and she said, No she doesn't love and I told myself that is true and tried to stay away from her, I saw her making out with somebody else and thought to myself there is God's protection and the next day she left the guy she had sex and started talking to me, I was so vary of their love and I felt uneasy. She started sleeping on my lap, I developed feeling for her because I don't know how to explain how I felt at that moment and I regret doing that. The things she did afterwards I never thought somebody could be so cruel to a person they "supposed" to love. I never understood it and to this day I am so conflicted inside. We had a fight and I called her a bitch, I lunged at her and stopped I think God told me to stop in that moment.

[@meeksasgoogali]

I’m pretty sure I’m a bit narcissistic and the girl I was talking to was also narcissistic. I kinda let her just get away with stuff cause she was gorgeous . I got fed up eventually and stood up to her , she has been no contact since . I actually blocked her first cause I had just had enough of being treated like shit . She got mad over random things that made no sense whenever things weren’t going her way she just created something to freak out about . Gluten allergies .

[@basicbeatch]

People who call themselves empaths are almost always toxic and full of themselves, in my opinion. Very cringe. Thank you Professor Vaknin, your work is amazing.

[@lovelyoungman]

Ok. There's no other way, then. You say your Goodbyes and leave the fool to his/her misery.👋

[@tamiesmith8855]

Wow, that was a good and necessary punch to the gut...Thank you, Prof Sam....

[@thoughtpatterns]

Professor you're a joy to listen to. Thank you for all that you do!

[@suzannechurcher1745]

I only expected friendship, mutual regard and respect. Tall order for my narcisstic ex. They dont see you as you are just a medium to project their internal morass on to

[@dgeekay1494]

Wow professor that was another video with condensed content. I realised that my partner 'was' a narcissist 6 months after she abducted our two children and left home after I provocated by accident her mortification.. your videos war a punch in the guts for around 4-5 months but so clarifying.. amazing your videos offer deeper knowledge consistently after I saw tones of them and from other specialists (mostly ex victims). Now I watch them and I smile (almost laugh) realising more things about them. I was afraid of a long term depression because of the loss of my children (they live with her 15.000 km away). I think I escaped the depression. I don't know why I still enjoying watching your videos. Unconsciously I might be still traumatised.. apparently.. but I have a quite good life now.. no idea.. your intelligence and analytic mind are very unique. I hope I am still learning things about myself, which can help me fir a better life. Thank you.. even you don't need my praise.. respect of your studies and your work.

[@EnoughSaid564]

Thank you Sam 💯 as usual

[@katrox0]

Hi Professor Your videos are very insightful. I am wondering if you could make a video about having a narcissistic teenager, son or daughter, how to spot this and perhaps some advice on how to handle this and how it appears and shows up. I know there is healthy narcissism in teenagers but when would it appear as pathological? Thank you

[@Abhisheksengupta923]

can i directly say to my malignant narcissist aunt " you are mad" ?

[@L.O-p5r]

This is how my dad felt towards my mother.Now i feel like he is doing the same to me but covertly and i cant decipher is it me the narcissist or him.But i dont trust him as i used to when i was a child...thats why now i am a bit paranoid and afraid of him.This entire time i had a traumabond with him and a shared illusion of my family.I know he has helped me but that help came with a sense of repayment and not of love or generosity.He has hurt me many times and when i confronted him he basically has said that he wouldnt care less😅and it bothers me how much i valued a man that has actually devalued my mother in the past .My mum did then reflect all her self hatered onto me as a child.So now seeing the truth in me and in my family members i feel a bit paranoid.I cant accept their love when i know that means again gaslighting and hurt😢

[@samsamsammy2013]

Hi Sam, I have a specific question about an interaction I had with an intimate borderline ex partner. There was a moment during one of her episodes of decompensation, she began telling me that I had told her terrible things which in reality, had literally never been said by me. I had the clear realization for the first time that she wasn’t speaking to “me”. Would it be accurate to say this could have been an internal conflict with a persecutory introject (possibly her narc mother) projected outward as psychosis?

[@samsamsammy2013]

@samvaknin

[@thendebele]

Im not really worried about a Narcs opinion of me... You cant take that stuff seriously,from someone with no opinion of themselves whatsoever 😅😂

[@thendebele]

What Vaknin mentions here, is merely a complex narrative and dysfunctional self regulation mechanisms... If they truly believed they were great, Narcissist injuries and Mortification would be felt by "god" (as they deem themselves to be)... Don't be schooled by an adult child, who failed childhood 🫶🏽

[@thelau61]

They are borderline psychopaths.

[@BrianMura]

The Narcs belief : Emotions are weakness The narc has many negative emotions and feelings even if they don"t acknowledge them they have emotions In my past the word weakling was said many times describe me - i asked whats a weakling? No answer.When i asked that same person years later still no answer. I have learnt what is means.Calling me a weakling did have a unpleasant affect me a few times( their tone of voice).I knew weak - weakling was new back then.Sam do you have any thoughts on this? Thank you for making this video!!

[@debbiestreeter1046]

Spot on!!

[@HerbertGoldstein-gy3gy]

Am i a Narcissist then? I seem to attract girls with borderline traits, my last girlfriend was a full blown one, she always seemed to be very helpless. And my other two girlfriends had some similar traits but were not that extreme in that sense.

[@frontier6154]

If narcissits create internal objects and borderlines can only interpret external objects. Then how does a Borderline with narcissistic personality interact with people?

[@samvaknin]

In comorbid BPD+NPD, the NPD part rules.

[@ClusterB_Boy]

All the empaths” and self styled “experts” and “victims” will be raging at this one 😂

[@samvaknin]

I hope so.

[@IamTheGreatCornholioo]

What about intelligent and successful people? They sure af envy those, especially when they are close to them.

[@count7ero]

Professor I would like to write to you. I have spotted a great number of coworkers along the years that are exhaustively blind to the needs of other to a point where it must be clinical. And I don't know how to manage this. I have even written an article about it which may have been a mistake. Is there a way I could write to you for some advice? It is horrible what they do to beginners in our field. This is i guess the thing that unsettles me most.

[@dominique7269]

Is it different with a parent/child relationship? I feel like my mother definitely felt disdain and contempt but also envied me in a way.

[@samvaknin]

Yes. This video is about interpersonal relationships in adulthood only.

[@CM-uo5tq]

Narc parents are often codependent on their spouses which are for supply only and intermittent sex to create more sources for supply; sperm deposits until they help themselves

[@TeresaLeonard-Gilham-ly6kh]

How do narcissists do on lie detector tests?

[@EnoughSaid564]

If this isn’t the truth, minus the sex that was excluded after a few years as punishment

[@lisacha1]

What about accolades, jobs and degrees they haven't been able to get themselves?

[@samvaknin]

They envy people they are not in a shared fantasy with.

[@aichaakachab2451]

They hate it when you’re in a better situation than them ( having a better job, or good grades), it’s all an attack on their idealized image. They think they’re the best and then you come and get better job. That should have hurt their inflated ego.

[@suzannegabriel7657]

How about you care so little about what opinion they have if you because they have just acted mental … and you won’t change who you are and how you are no matter what? Let them be malicious and abnormal … I don’t want to be like that especially now the relationship has ended. I no more want to be in a relationship with him than he does with me now I’ve unmasked him. But I don’t want to be s basket case like him either.

[@streetpuff]

Sam, is it any different when they are selecting someone for marriage? Don’t they want to be able to brag about you to others?

[@samvaknin]

4 Ss. Nothing else. They idealize you initially, marriage or not. They devalue you finally, marriage or not. You are irrelevant.

[@aichaakachab2451]

I see marriage as a way to garantee the 4s, the continuous supply. For you it’s a sacred thing but for him it’s just a way of getting what he wants.

[@leighanngarcia7415]

Is the snapshot based at all on how you present though? What is the snapshot based on? I would imagine it at least has to do a little with who you are, or how you present initially to the narcissist (who the narcissist thinks you are).

[@samvaknin]

Watch the video “She/Quiet Borderline Diagnosis”.

[@nyxcole9879]

Does this differ with NPD plus Psychopathy? Thanks!

[@samvaknin]

Watch the malignant narcissist playlist.

[@danielkrawisz8345]

Then what do they envy?

[@samvaknin]

People they are not in a shared fantasy with.

[@danielkrawisz8345]

would you be interested in doing an interview with me? I would like your help solving the Byzantine generals problem. (The problem of honest actors mutually identifying each other) @@samvaknin

[@nabilamashnoon7092]

What if looking beautiful, having a good body, doing a great job gives him supply because people praises him of having her as a wife?

[@sabinekahane3214]

Stimmt 100 % 🥸👌☝️