Envy is Destructive Narcissism (Jealousy, Romantic Jealousy are NOT)

Envy vs. Jealousy vs. Romantic Jealousy.
Shame, humiliation, reverse grandiosity.
Bad object management: compensatory Dunning-Kruger (why can’t I be like, I am more than), attribution error.
Anxiolytic control of the threatening object.
Devaluation of the superior object to quell inferiority complex.
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[@z32luvr]

There is nothing worse than when a narcissistic parent does this to their child.

[@MeMeMeMe-uc8th]

I grew up in a covert narcissist family, and envy was a hallmark of their traits, envy made my life a living hell. I still question why my own brothers and parent's could be envious . To make the nightmare compounded, my brother's end up marrying women who were also envious. They all joined in a campaign to publicly destroy my reputation, the effects of my toxic family resulted in health problems that stopped my life for 12 years. As my family members are dying off, I breathe a sigh of relief ! As I see my nieces and nephews are also covert narcs, I cut off relationships with them. My isolated life is much more peaceful and fulfilling, I don't expose myself to others who might come to envy me!

[@paintedblackdoll]

being the target of malicious envy is downright scary and dangerous. their envy will go on for years and decades. they will go berserk with physical aggression if they can get away with it. all the while leaving you totally confused because they'll never admit to their internal inferiority and shame.

[@DHW256]

Yep! We had two pathologically envious family members, our mother and her middle son. The former constantly denigrated others, projecting her shame for failing to measure up in life, and always putting on airs. The latter was constantly competing, to the point we were never allowed to simply enjoy time together -- being around him was relentlessly irritating and exhausting. One day he walked up to me -- out of the blue -- and literally blurted, "My penis is bigger than yours!" He's gone on to raise his children to believe he was "the strongest brother", "the most intelligent brother", "the most athletic brother", that his brothers are all losers, when the exact opposite was and is true. As we other boys have moved on in life, enjoying successful careers, he's now a 50-something, sitting home living on permanent disability (over a broken leg). I encouraged him to diversify his skills, and I offered to help him start a company, but he insisted on staying home playing videos games and projecting just as his mother did. I pity his children, some of whom now despise him. So sad.

[@neodeadlyrave3627]

I have always suspected that the angry and disturbing people I have known were actually just full of envy

[@maryvera123]

My ex had so much and yet it was never enough. If someone was more successful he would try to take them down. It was shocking to me.

[@annbethchinchillo9192]

Wow. That was so emlightening. My ex is so disturbed and had such envy for other men who were more attractive than him. At his core, he felt unattractive and unworthy. His hatred for certain other men was so consuming. He is a cop, and this is a dangerous combination.

[@sunnydays8270]

Proverbs 14:30 A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 27:4 Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy? Job 5:2 Resentment kills a fool and envy slays the simple.

[@Gnostic_Way_of_Life]

It’s horrible when you have a destructive narcissistic boss. She’s so envious of everyone in the office and yells and screams at everyone and holds grudges if things don’t go her way. She always puts everyone and their achievements down, no praise, no appreciation, no thank you, no raises, no promotions. She tries to set up smear campaigns against certain coworkers that see through her bullshit. But we can all see through it and her triangulation isn’t working anymore. The whole office is full of sad faces because of her, no one smiles anymore, the work morale and motivation has become very low. People are quitting left and right. No one even talks to her anymore unless they absolutely have to because no one can stand her. And then she of course wonders why everyone is quitting and it doesn’t ever occur to her that it’s because of her. No self reflection at all, typical narcissist.

[@Susanne2000]

👍 👏

[@sallygoater4657]

No shit! I haven't seen you in the office. Maybe we are both keeping our heads down 😂xx

[@whiterabbit3439]

Pure destruction...even when they are eventually sorted, the damage is colossal.

[@Dan_Chiron]

Idk. My narcissistic boss was very, very succesful in putting herself at the center of the office action, which meant she had control over every communication made. She also was very succesful at offering perks to loyal employees, but always keept the upperhand so she was able to remove them if she felt like she needed to. No one would dare to contradict her because no one would put at risk the advantages of taking her side, which they did very often. To this date, she has succesfully spread her smearing campaign about me, to the next two jobs I had after the one I left because of the mobbing she instigated against me (related fields, so top people at every company know each other), making an 'innocent' gossipy remark here and there to the right people about how bad I am despite how good she is. I'm saying this because a raging person that makes people run away and which everyone is able to see right through for what it is, doesn't sound like the epitome of a narcissist (maybe a collapsed one? or my boss just scored higher in machiavellianism? was she a psychopath? As I said, not sure).

[@Rosaline-Delplace]

yikes ​

[@bethmoore7722]

Thank you, Sam. You just cleared up a very painful mystery for me. I’m the family scapegoat, and have been ostracized and exiled periodically over my adult life. The person behind a lot of this hatefulness is a family member who has dined out on reading me for trash for my entire adult life. He has done me significant damage, and he’s hurt others, as well. He is addicted to schadenfreude, as are many vicious gossips like him. I’ve had family members take it upon themselves to reprimand me over lies he’s told about me. If there’s a way to hurt me, he will. He has another target whom he tortures at least as much as he does me. He is one of the most vicious people I’ve ever met. Thanks to you, I now know why. Envy is the obvious reason, given what he does to the people he targets. I’ve learned not to be reeled in by pity, and you have helped me understand that there’s no way I can help him, without incurring more damage. You would probably agree that my safest option is to stay away from him.

[@TheMazinoz]

Narcissists are so destructive, I think the only solution is no contact and/or legal action

[@Rosaline-Delplace]

Me too! I think she's going to destroy me! @samvaknin I wanted to email you about it because it has become dangerous and life threatening and I am very very scared 😱 I need advice x

[@bethmoore7722]

@@Rosaline-Delplace I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that! Do you have a way to stay safe from her? I hope you do, and that you have some people who support you. Having someone target you like that is scary. Please take care, & be safe.

[@elisa9359]

....." dumb beyond description"...😂😂😂....lol...thank you Prof. Vaknin !

[@Dystopia2024]

Standing ovation, Prof. Vaknin. Your accurate, academical description of envy resonates with my life experience in a way that I could not express so precisely. Envy and shame are truly the root of all evils. I think everything started going downhill when humanity chose the path of having rather than being, as Erich Fromm put it.

[@sunnydays8270]

I noticed with my narcissistic abusive ex, that he was jealous of people he didnt know. Watching sports for example, and someone makes an incredible jump, or some spectaculat feat, and normal people cheer the person and are happy for them, my ex would say things like, its not that great, many have done that too- its not just him who is so great, yeah i heard that he did that because of steriods (which would be later found to be a lie he never heard that) but it was tearing people down he didnt know as well as tearing apart people he knew and envied, like me. Its like they cant be sincerely happy for peoples success, no matter who it is.

[@nicj5354]

People say Lucifer fell because of pride, but I've always said it was envy.

[@itsmylaneful]

He doesnt stop 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 I love the consistency Dr. 🌹

[@Glory-bp4yi]

Thank you very much for the insight. It would be great to have a part 2 video on ways the target of envy can free themselves from the envious. Hopefully this will help expose and equip the most vulnerable to know what to do and better positioned to help victims of envy especially in the modern work place. Thanks for your videos

[@sue.F]

Reverse grandiosity - perfectly described!

[@tamoneka12345]

My diagnosis is borderline and I am noticing how envy is destroying me. It can hit me from time to time really heavily. I am not sure how to overcome it? I can intelectually explain what is causing it, but still, I am not taking the actions to resolve it, because I am scared that I will fail (my envy is based on the feeling that I didn't achive what I want in life and I feel it towards the people whom I find more succesful than I am).

[@yzh7728]

I would start by putting aside the label borderline and look at personality disorders from a cultural and character perspective. Your experience is not brought by the "borderline", but rather the way you perceive the world around you. Once you develop a deep philosophy about human life and the nature of our existence you'll slowly grow out of your negative emotions. Envy is a distortion of thinking, the absence of a spiritual cultivation, and a choice made by a weak character. Those you envy are just people trying their best and choosing to construct instead of destroy. Many have endured enormous pain but choose not to make others suffer the same. Once you understand that life is beyond "achieving" you'll realize how immature your envy is. The best gift life has given us is being present and living in harmony, so don't let your weak character sink you deep into the abyss of ignorance. Hope this helps you to find joy and peace ❤

[@tamoneka12345]

@@yzh7728 wow yes! Today I listened to podcast where one female said that she was hiding behind the label of her disease and that her identity was built around it (she has some issue with ankles)... This opened my eyes a little bit, and now you are telling me the same. I was reading a little bit of Nietzsche todsy and resonated with him a lot, but at the same time I tought - he must be mentally ill. Labels again! Can you recommend me some books/authors/podcasts to understand your message even more?

[@MrsStoneclay]

​​@@yzh7728 "Do not compare" - that how I phrased an insight that I have had in my late teens. In a few words, it was about the absurdity, futility, pointlessness (if not harmfulness) of sense of self-importance; I started to feel almost physically how it ruins smth beatiful, smth of true importance, meaningfulness... the Meaning itself. It felt like a veil, a cloak upon everything - the World as it is - and everyone as they are (or could be) were wrapped in. And behind this cloak it was like... people were competing in sinking themselves and whatever surrounded them down the drain, into cloaca... sewered fervorously the best they had - so that it rolled further and further away into dusk resembling a pitiful race of severed heads... Out of sight - ... Never mind. I've never been envious though. P.S. I've only watched about a half of this vid by far, so maybe Sam already pointed out the following paradox. Still... I guess, among other things, one can envy the lack of enviousness in others. Hm... On the other hand, is it a thing to envy a person because of his or her greater capacity of being envious? At least, the lenghts one is able to go acting upon envy is smth that might be envied.

[@S.MULLINS]

​@@yzh7728Very interesting perspective ,that sounds like a deep philosophical thinking.

[@buttercup86900]

Love yourself you are beautiful and amazing 😊❤

[@iliad21]

I was married to a morbidly jealous woman. It was torturous.

[@LoveHitch78]

Yeah my Covert Borderline ex became highly envious of me... Of my mind, of my abilities etc. At first these were the things she loved about me. But by the end she made me act against my moral boundaries, trying to break me. And it worked. 😢

[@buttercup86900]

I'm so sorry :( I hope you will heal. Even though I don't know you, I want you to know I love you and care about you and I wish for you to heal fully and be happy again ❤ focus on self-love and self-confidence and stay away from people who cause you to be unhappy, and don't let anyone control your happiness! You are amazing

[@LoveHitch78]

@@buttercup86900 Thank you for your kind words. I had recently been trying to mend us both, as in I seem to be the only one who understands she's borderline, and tying to get through to her about it was hard. But she had also become an alcoholic, which led to her passing recently in an unfortunate accident. So just feel so drained after a decades worth of emotional investment - all for nothing 😥

[@Jetmab04]

Thanks so much!! So true and, often so more than destructive!!!

[@iamedey1232]

Wow and Whoa! I absolutely agree with the Professor; I've felt all 3 of these emotions. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽It's interesting that the word MEAN has 2 "meanings". 1. cruel etc. and 2. average Mean people are cruel to those above average.

[@lindaerman3436]

That cover picture is HILARIOUS!

[@Grefareal]

I like your video, especially how you make definition on term that being discusses, it really help me in understanding the discussion better. Thank you prof. Sam vaknin

[@samvaknin]

Vaknin.

[@sbnmllrdpp]

banger of a video. more like this please.

[@shawnmccrohan]

This is interesting! What would be the first next step to tackle envy?

[@dreamingowl]

Votre court exposé est très important et je vous en remercie.

[@user-ju8fn8fu9s]

Thank you Dear Sam Vaknin for interesting video

[@Adhara740]

Good video

[@neurodivergent7744]

Hi. Thank You Very Much for video. I think I'm envious person. I try to get rid of it by avoidance from the, but not destroy of objects of my envy. I have so strong shame, but I don't feel guilty. Due to strong shame I'm afraid to meet classmates from school/university, because of socially I have never been in romantic/sexual relationships i.e. in fact I have never had a girlfriend, and I am 48 years old male... I'm nothing in career... I feel, I'm lonely looser... Everyday I anxious about a lot of things, but during 20-30 years mainly about that I have not reached anything in career and always think about bullying in school, even in university twice and during my life... As I think as a result of bullying and maybe some other circumstances I become insecure, though in early childhood I'm not seen such at all.... All neighbours thought I am brave and very active... highest activity in all things... Lost virginity just 22 days before turn 24 and have just three prostitutes, one so called casual 'one night stand' and one little fling with casual women (even not romantic, but short-term sexual relationship) at 27. After this from 27 till I turned 47 years old I have no sexual contact at all... Now I have resumed my adventures with prostitutes and from time to time I make forays into escorts. Almost everyday during most of day I bothered by extremely poor sexual life and sometimes even feel as if I was late-in-life virgin, although this is definitely not true. Always seek in Internet topic of poor sexual life, late-in-life virgins, adult virginity, so called 'body count' and in fact as I think my intrusive thoughts have roots in deep strong shame, insecure, fears, anxiety and ... Envy...??!! Everyday life is quite poor quality. I live in Georgia (country, not state), one of the former USSR republic. I found just one neuropsychologist who diagnosis me that's the way I have one officially diagnosis and think have some others.. I hope my life can be explained by some level of severity of maybe some mental conditions... disorders, borderline states or even at least just sub-clinical... i.e. sub-threshold...??? Unfortunately I could not find clinical psychologist or psychiatrist who would be willing to take on me and conduct an investigation to diagnose. I in fact porn addict... a little drink, a little poker job-home... And..... a lot of nervous and intrusive thoughts.... Sometimes I feel I tired from all of this... Now I'm listening Your, 4 hour long video "C-PTSD or Personality Disorder? (Compilation)". And I, of course, subscribed on Your channel, 'Prof. Sam Vaknin'. Thank You very much for interesting video-lectures.

[@voidkittty]

1:42 Hi Sam can you please explain the difference between jealousy and admiration? Thank you.

[@samvaknin]

Jealousy is motivational. It causes you to act.

[@hiron-yf7wq]

It's strange how they wish to swap lives and how they want to tear down their target so they are the ones envious of others when they never have been an envious person and have always been happy with who they are. It's extremely abusive.

[@amate2647]

❤❤❤ Thank you so much for this clear differentiation. So many puzzle pieces are falling together since I discovered your channel. The picture is becoming clearer :-)

[@JC-mv7hf]

Could not agree more - i was thinking about the 3 terms so many times trying to define to myself the jealousy, envy and romantic jealousy and came to very similar definitions. Thank you prof. Vaknin!

[@Breginz]

Thank you so much, Sam Vaknin. ❤️

[@wardeggerrobertmarius144]

Hello @damvakin. I found your content very interesting. This one made me wonder about something... In today's world, surviving and having a good live for women, is less or not at all dependent on an intamate relationship with a man. So how justified is the theory that hipergamy is a natural consequence based on primal instinct? Could envy actually play a higher role in hipergamy, than it's attributed? A curiosity of mine. It would be interesting to hear your well informed opinion on this topic. Thank you for your content, it helps many who have been victims of narcissistic people.

[@samvaknin]

Hypergamy is online nonsense. Hypergyny is the correct term. Watch the contemporary sexuality playlist.

[@wardeggerrobertmarius144]

@@samvaknin ok. I'll do that. Thank you!

[@user-dr8sc1gp4z]

Thank you Dr. for your explanations- you make what seems to be pretty complicated twists and turns much easier to understand.😊 Practical advice.

[@Rosaline-Delplace]

❤ Prof V , this was one of the most interesting and informative lectures of yours (too many lol 😆) loved it! Thank you

[@ryanporter1819]

Amen! When learning about different types of mental illnesses, i theorized that most people who are convicted of a crime are suffers from some form of mental illness. I believe narcissism is i big peice of the pie for many people in prison. If a society can successfully pinpoint narcissistic individuals and successfully treat them of their narcissism before they commit crimes, crime in that society would drastically drop. Easier said than done as i believe narcissism is embedded in humans as primates.

[@elodiedupont9672]

Amazing video Sam 😊 How can one defend himself against someone else's envy ? Going no contact / grey rock ? Thanks.

[@danielledaisley6166]

Do you think that this malicious envy can be the root cause of many abusive relationships? That members of the opposite sex can indeed be envious of each other? Because,I have a feeling this is the very reason why envious persons always tend to have a power struggle complex where they want to always exert power and control over the person they envy, so that they can feel as if they are better than that person in some way shape of form. Anyway, I did indeed enjoy this video as I've been pondering this topic for a very long time.

[@JC-mv7hf]

So how to deal with envy, which I agree is destructive- how address the issue - very deep material just wonder what to do in order to get rid of envy… and is it possible? Or rather how to prevent as once there is envy destruction seems to be the only way to get rid of feeling it?

[@MariaRosaTorresMartinez]

If you expose a person who feels envy for you and it is clear enough how they want to destroy you. Can you cause narcissistic injury ?

[@samvaknin]

Yes, or even mortification.

[@n0b0d1-rc6dz]

This reminds me so much of the envious archons in the gnostic creation myth:..

[@S.MULLINS]

What about if you're the victim of a Envious person, how does it affect you.? I recently lost weight, i feel like my ex friend was envious of my weight loss, I usually train at gym by myself. An old friend noticed my weight loss and She asked me if we could train together, support each other to lose weight, i say ok, but she make excuses not to go most of the time, But little tiny things she did made me question myself and her behaviour to the point i stopped focusing on my weight loss and started focusing on her. I tried to explain her behaviour to my Mother to gain some clarity, but my Mother says why would she carry on like that and be jealous of you? Ever since the situation of my friend, im more depressed, i put on weight, barely go to the gym, its a struggle , i was gym active for 15 years.

[@chandalir]

Go back to the gym same thing happen to me with my mother. She got jealous of my weight lost. I didn't want her to kick me out when I was a teenager. So, I stop and got fat. 5'5 up to 265. I'm now losing weight again since discarding her and moving on with my life. I'm 218 now. Not stopping until I'm comfortable with my weight.

[@S.MULLINS]

@@chandalir Thankyou! I've been trying to! That's good you lost your weight , keep it up!

[@illumin2485]

Would you say one way they “get rid of” the source of envy might be stone-walling? (With intermittent one-way, mean, raging texts.)

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@whiterabbit3439]

But how to curb "toxic" envy? It is part of the corrupted personality --immutable, n'est pas?

[@JC-mv7hf]

What is the link between envy and ambition (in psychological meaning/ definition of ambition) prof. Vaknin? Is ambition driven by envy? Destroying the object of envy by getting better?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the video on ambition that I will be uploading later today.

[@vincentwilliams8685]

So does the borderline idealise to the point of envy then get scared theyll lose this perfected partner, so the envious devaluation begins?

[@samvaknin]

It is a part of it, yes.

[@user-dr8sc1gp4z]

How to handle an overly jealous person other than to go about your life and ignore them??

[@thehandseesall]

Burning in the fires of hell... unquenched 😂

[@arlette2722]

Will a person with envy ever stop being envious?

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@JC-mv7hf]

Are people nowadays more envious because of the social media, positioning etc? I mean is envy something which is on the increase because of the external changes to the world and is it something which can be reduced by changes in the lifestyle eg avoiding social media, avoiding any addiction to anything which might be comparable to others (eg amount of likes) or is it something genetic. Envy is linked to narcissism but not only narcissists are envious or …. Is it the case? How to control/ reduce envy? And what is the link between envy and ambition and social push to be the best? (I asked about the link to ambition also a bit earlier as I am curious what the answer is)

[@samvaknin]

Yes, envy is baked into modern technologies. Search the channel.

[@tesseractgon-dy5yo]

i envy those who get more likes than i do. i hope youtube and facebook remove the like button

[@devos3212]

Trump.