Don't Leave Your ASD Spouse Just Yet: Message to Neurotypicals

Downloadable programs:
--- Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples- www.livingwithaspergerspartne...
--- Interpersonal Relationship Skills: eBook and Audio Instruction for Male Partners with ASD- www.neurodiversemarriage.org/...
Coaching services for autistic male partners:
--- Skype Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: ASD Men’s Master Class: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/0...
Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:
--- Skype Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery...
Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:
--- Skype Group for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Individual coaching services:
--- One-on-One Sessions for Struggling Individuals and Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Access to “Members-Only” videos:
--- Get your perks here: / @markhutten
Parenting resources:
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019...
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.co...
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-man...
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/

[@trunnellstaverntales6228]

Aspie here. Emotions are as much of a fact as gravity. They are so deeply rooted in our human experience, they are unavoidable and inescapable. You and I aren't immune to them, as this video (and an honest reflection of yourself) will reveal. It doesn't sound logical to ignore and discount such a huge part of the human experience. It doesn't sound reasonable to toss that aside. And it certainly doesn't help us get our tasks done if we can't be a social animal. We limit ourselves if we isolate. So I studied psychology, philosophy, religion, art, anthropology, all of the "soft" sciences. I wanted to understand emotion, feelings, culture, social customs, all of that confusing mess. And so I did. I got pretty good at it. I can understand why someone would feel a way, how that impacts their subjective experience, how that motivates them to act in certain ways. People are just complex systems, meat computers running on ancient software. You can't be fully effective or rational by ignoring the mind and our human condition. And honestly, it's a better life. I can connect with my wife. I cry at movies. I can experience joy and sorrow, being a part of the emotional rainbow while also understanding it objectively.

[@UnburiedTalents]

I'm excited to have been told about this channel! I'm a licensed therapist, late-diagnosed with autism at age 43, now 48. My father, brother and nephew also have it. You're explaining my dad here, as I've tried to do for 4 decades. My father would never take the tip of taking separate cars, because his biggest long-term fixation is to CONSERVE MONEY AT ALL COSTS. He can't even stand for others to spend money he wouldn't spend. He will sacrifice everything on the altar of conserving money, but not MAKING money; he won't charge for his handyman services more than what he himself would pay, and since his brain doesn't factor in inflation, that's a low amount. This translates to my mother as not caring about his family enough to provide. They are in their 70's now. If anyone's reading this, don't end up like them. Get help for yourself, even if your partner won't go.

[@UnburiedTalents]

I am a late-diagnosed (age 43) autistic female who grew up watching my parents struggle (well, my mother) to be happy in their marriage. The effect it has had on me is profound. Number one, I became a therapist, in part from a lifetime of searching for patterns to explain the mind and emotions of myself and those around me. Number two, I am chronically single at age 48 and only dated once 10 years ago (I think now that he might've been ASD, too). I broke up with him after a powerful moment where I thought, "This is how my mother feels every day!" when he couldn't understand my perspective and didn't seem to care that I was upset. Because of my parents' struggles, a deep part of me says, "If relationships are that hard, that unfulfilling, then I'm better off alone."

[@jenitidbitz]

This is all well and good, but I need practical solutions to how I can heal and not live in a constant state of compromise. I have compromised so much of my self and my life, that there isnt much of me left. I am really tired of feeling completely disregarded, ignored - by me.

[@markhutten]

I have groups...

[@YouTubeUzername]

Save yourself, leave. It never gets better, only worse.

[@yehudiswilks]

Work on yourself and build your own life. If you love your spouse and if he is a kind person make the most of your marriage, unless he is physically and verbally abusive. After 26 years of marriage I am thrilled to finally understand the challenges my husband has. To me, it helps me work on my own fault of being impatient. My husband is a nice guy, a good father and has a great job with a good health plan. This is a second marriage for both of us. I try to look at the big picture. I can only change and work on myself. These videos are wonderful ❤

[@NoFajnieFajnie]

exactly!! I sacrificed so much, forget about the fact that my needs will never be met and I need to deal with my problems on my own. I have BPD and when I said I'm feeling suicadal he went to sleep cause you know, "routine is important" Is there a potion for me to stop loving someone? I would happily buy

[@markhutten]

Despite the challenges that come with autism, there are many unique strengths associated with this condition. One of the most notable strengths of individuals with autism is their exceptional attention to detail. They have a remarkable ability to notice even the smallest of details, which can be helpful in a variety of settings. Whether it's analyzing data, proofreading documents, or spotting errors in code, individuals with autism can be valuable assets in many different fields. Another strength of individuals with autism is their remarkable memory skills. They have the ability to retain vast amounts of information, which can make them experts in their areas of interest. They can recall facts, figures, and details with ease, which can be a valuable asset in academic and professional settings. Individuals with autism also tend to have a unique problem-solving approach. They often have a different way of looking at things, which can lead to innovative solutions to complex problems. Their ability to see patterns and connections that others may miss can be a valuable asset in many different fields. In addition to these strengths, individuals with autism often have a deep passion for a particular interest or topic. This passion can be a driving force in their lives, providing them with a sense of purpose and motivation. It can also lead to impressive expertise in their area of interest, which can be valuable in academic, professional, and personal settings. Overall, it's important to recognize and celebrate these strengths in individuals with autism. Just saying.....

[@tnix80]

Wow, thanks. I'm thinking about putting that on my resume 😅

[@lynncarter4964]

With us, it's now him who is the emotional one, and I have learned to detach. Now I am more logical than him. It used to be the reverse.

[@SaraAppletonwastheQWERTYmail]

Thanks so much Mark; I’ve always been intent on pleasing him rather than validating my self worth. 👍

[@markhutten]

Very welcome

[@schnookyface]

Nope abuse is abuse. If he had attention to the detail of not abusing that would be one thing.

[@tnix80]

To be frank I would advise someone to leave me.

[@YouTubeUzername]

😂😂😂

[@lisavet11]

After 23years knowing now how I've wasted my 30's & 40's. I need out asap.

[@me.myself.and.I.....]

28 years for me. Just found out a few months ago 🥲

[@michaellemmen]

Then what?

[@NoLimitsNano]

Do you mean you need out of your marriage??

[@NoLimitsNano]

Do you mean you need out of your marriage??

[@Valetic6]

Seriously, then what? Get out of your craziness and get back to reality and work on your relationship like every one of us out here has to, neurodiverse relationship or not.

[@shamanmermaidblackdragon]

I loved him and tried to help him but I understand he couldn’t change….and wish he was therapized before he met me and my adult children and family. But,… he wasn’t, he said to me for years, bcs he said that his parents didn’t get him therapy and he said he never got therapy before he met me and married me, from all his prior traumatizing and bullying he experienced. So,… and, but, it’s, too, late for us as a couple … But,…it’s all okay and I’m becoming my best version and helping my own family to become their best versions. And…..He’ll be okay. And so will we. And I’m doing what’s right for me and my own children (his adult step children), and agreeing to divorce him. Thank you for everything!!😊

[@NancyGram]

“Anxiety Reduction” and “You Lose” are too common in our house. Thank you for putting words to it. It is too hard to explain things in a way he will accept that I give up.

[@UnburiedTalents]

I don't use the term "high functioning autism," being diagnosed at 43, because I have not FELT "high functioning" while struggling to adapt to this world. A lifetime of struggling to make and keep friends does not feel "high-functioning." Feeling anxiety about activities others find enjoyable does not feel "high-functioning." Feeling anxious and annoyed every time I step outside my front door does not feel "high-functioning." Repeatedly being fired and not being told why does not feel "high-functioning." Having only dated once in my late 30's does not feel "high-functioning." Being ordered to take a break from school, then not being allowed to re-enroll, without being told why, does not "high-functioning." Taking years longer than my peers to achieve a master's degree does not feel "high-functioning." Feeling inferior to my fellow professionals for 16 years because they have more stamina and social skills and have found their "niche" does not feel "high-functioning." Being nearly 50 years old with no means to buy a house to keep me out of a nursing home does not feel "high-functioning."

[@markhutten]

They call it 'high functioning' because compared to ASD levels 2 and 3, people at level 1 function much better.

[@akferren1]

I’ve wasted 15 years being a babysitter/mother/therapist to a selfish robotic man child.. divorce will be like hitting the lottery

[@deborahraaen3059]

We live separate lives in the same house. He has his motorbikes, I have my friends all over the place, choir and Zentangle.

[@suzannebowles3966]

This year I'm just going to go with my kids to visit family. Hes invited but not obligated.

[@SaraAppletonwastheQWERTYmail]

I love him inspire of hurtful stuff he has implied about my life & how uneducated I am compared to his Phd. & arrogant attitude. I’m trying as hard as possible to keep up with his so called expectations of what I could or should do but it’s like hitting my head against a brick wall. No matter what, I shall keep praying to God for the best outcome. Thanks again Mark. 😎💚❤️

[@lynncarter4964]

Just remember, you are smarter than him in some ways, and he is smarter than you in others. He NEEDS to be reminded of this, or his arrogance will grow. You may need to write it, since it's almost impossible to talk to an ASD husband about what he does wrong, so try asking (on paper) for what you need him to do, not what you need him to stop doing. Good luck. After our 3rd year, everything that used to work, stopped working. I am resigned to this now.

[@lynncarter4964]

i realized over time that my AS husband cant respect me unless i stop trying to measure up. He actually likes it when i say nope, I'm fine, and I dont agree with you. Say it calmly and even with a smile. They wont know they like this until you do it for a year, and dont ever stop. These men NEED to be disagreed with, calmly.

[@Sorenja]

@@SaraAppletonwastheQWERTYmail Hi! I am in a ASP marriage as well. We are married now almost 15 years and I luckily managed to implement some healthy strategies. I didn't come up with them on my own. It's actually simply following Jesus as I did it before. I can recommend warmthly to go to God. I choose not to load the responsibility to take care of me onto my husband's shoulders. I belief that no man could handle this burden. Every human makes mistakes and will disappoint people. So as God has promised to take care of me I give all the responsibility to God. And yes he takes ist. And he is managing it just fine. I can't complain. Although sad things have happened I am freely worshiping God. And I surely won't stop. Yes, I am tired. Yes I am often stressed. Yes I am often missing my husband. But no - I am never alone and I know that God takes care of me just right. I wasn't alone when my husband couldn't be with me during giving birth and nor in all those lonely nights. In fact those times have been the most important times with God. So my strategies in short: responsibility to God and believe I take and communicate my off time (at home mostly). I try this a while now and it's hard but it's functioning. I say: "It is too much now. It is too much I can't handle it anymore." often repeatedly also for my husband. And I am sitting down for a coffee and my hobbies whenever possible. For example when the kids are watching. The negativ aspect is that I am not cleaning as much anymore... Love him the way he understands (his own room, let him be until he comes to me) and tell him what I need for understanding love. This week is my birthday and I know that I will get the exact same flowers as always. But I know what it means - he will go out in the heat to get the flowers from the field. He hates heat. He will be sweating all over just to bring me those flowers. And as an act of love I also let him talk frequently about his stuff and try not to be hurt if he can't do it equal often. I try to be exact and concrete with my words (not one of my powers...). I try to be firm but calm concerning my opinion and about what I know. No, people are not dump just because my husband don't understand. I am also telling him that but in a very calm way if possible. I do things mostly alone. Like building furniture, gardening, shopping of course, appointments, or going out. Also with the kids. He only does thinks like going by bycicle or stroll. And also only when the temperature isn't too hot. Apart from that he iy a very good dad and I love to watch them and their connection. I also need him to understand many problems my children face. I try to treasure him, his way of thinking. I am asking him often concerning topics he knows so much about. So everything that is easy for him I gladly gave it to him. I don't disturb his sleeping routine. I don't get in his way concerning computer stuff. I manage all out of home if possible and only if necessary I load things onto him. And so on... Mainly treasure him like the special person he is knowing that he often simply can't do the for me easiest things. Not because he wouldn't want to or because he doesn't like me. So I try to be gentle with him and me. I know it now for about 2 years. Our son got big problems and after the therapist said he has to check for ASP I knew it. My husband wasn't pleased at all. But that was okay - it's a huge problem when somebody so intellectual hears that he is "disabled". I didn't talk about it. I just took actions important to our son and in agreement to my husband. I remember one evening. As I asked him if he would rather want my brain instead of his - the autism own - he would have rather been just highly gifted ;) Guess what he said. "Certainly not". I knew this answer would come so I prepared for the little pain. However I know that this reaction comes mainly because of his fear towards all this chaotic systems he doesn't understand. And now. Two years later he himself talks about KZbin videos and how he resonates with all the ASP stuff. Yesterday I sent him some videos from this channel. And again, it was really hard for him I think. We haven't talked about it yet and that's totally fine. He told me that he watched all I sent him and that is enough. He needs time to process all of this. I am sure it is really hard to think about all this mind blindness ect. That is an bigger issue between us lately. However I can see how he is learning and trying to wrap his head around it. I know for sure that I am his most important person. His favorite person and more and more I realise what that means. A huge love towards me. Since quite some time now I am getting more and more health issues. In a way that I am not able anymore to eat outdoors or buy food in a restaurant and such. When people/family invites me have to take my own prepared food with me... Really annoying. But it has a very good side effect. I am now as gladly at home as my husband ;) I have no need to go out or anywhere that involves eating and triking. And boy.... That includes a lot of actives... I could be mad because of my health but for now it comes in a favor to us. So if you like - get to know Jesus Christ. He can take it and will never let you down.

[@beckoscar]

False dilemma like him saying I can’t change I can’t make you happy I can’t be what you want. When I was always saying you aren’t a let down you aren’t wrong. I just want to work out how we can work. Do we need to schedule more etc. he’d just say “ I can’t do this “ got overwhelmed and then shut down

[@itchysheets1222]

So I think I just understood something this time….that I thought I understood before. I’ve heard you say a million times that he can’t imagine someone else having a different opinion than him, and I always thought you meant he knows you may see things a different way but can’t imagine what that is or why it is. But…am I understanding correctly that it literally never occurs to him (over and over and over again, even?….) that someone else COULD have a different opinion on something, and therefore he sees me giving my opinion as just me disagreeing for the sake of being against him…and therefore also being against reality? And that’s why my opinion is not valid to him? Bc before I thought you meant…he knows I have my own thoughts and opinions on things but can’t imagine what they are or why they are? So did I have a realization, or was I right before and now I’m over complicating it? Lol

[@EmperorZaph1512]

From my experience of living with ASD as well as knowing many people in the community (ive come to only bother befriending other nuerodivergent people anymore because they simply get it more), both statements are true to a varying extent depending on what it is, but the second statement is more accurate than the first. We are aware that other people have opinions and that they can be different from ours, but we do not intuit what they are or why (though with enough practice we can have a rough guesstimate). In many cases its an in-the-moment and context sensitive to the situation. In a lot of cases I will make this assumption and try not to be absolute and 1000% concrete in my thinking by factoring other peoples emotions, but only for things that call for it (family matters, planning furniture to buy, working on a team project, etc.). Most times it is less rigid and I'm willing to just meet the other person in the middle or make a slight (but not significant) sacrifice to keep the peace. For example, if something just isnt important to me, there are absolutely no words or actions you can say or do to me that is going to make it even 1% more important to me, but I will treat the situation with enough importance and priority to satisfy the that other persons needs even if I personally could take it or leave it. I still dont care and I still dont have any real motivation to do the thing, but the other person cares and I like/love them as a person and want them to be happy, so I "care" just enough to avoid problems. I personally call it the "happy wife-happy life" scenario dialed up to 11 and needing to apply to literally every person I know (or else). Some people with ASD are able to do this to varying degrees, even appearing almost NT in the best of cases and being utterly incapable of doing so in the worst of cases. I'm thankfully on the upper end of this. If this seems confusing, ill just use this real world example I live with. I do not like kissing. At all. With anyone. Never have, never will. Its gross to me. My wife however, loves and arguably needs them. And even if we did separate, damn near every other woman on the planet will be similar to this. When we kiss, I get absolutely nothing out of it and just want it to be over already, but her desires are being met so its a win. She gets the kiss. People can make an argument about how its not genuine, or say mean things about finding the right person/not loving them, etc. but to that I say, shut the hell up. It works. She gets what she wants, problem solved. Alternately in many cases, I do not make this assumption of others emotions if I'm convinced that this is an inherent truth about a situation (IE someone is mad at me for doing something I feel I am entirely justified in doing, or something to do with discussions of religion or morality etc.). I will literally never think about the other persons opinion, because my frame of mind is focused on the situation itself or end result. All else is extra information that is thrown out if it does not change the action or conclusion. The other person can add their emotions to the mix, but it is utterly irrelevant to me if the conclusion has already been reached and I often perceive it as driving a wrench into things and overcomplicating it...which I may perceive as a personal attack at worse or you just being annoying at best. That is when I tend to fight back. In an almost literal sense my mind is in a shielded bubble and I am functionally the only person that exists with an opinion on the subject matter (all else is a hivemind that agrees or disagrees, but more often no one else is even a factor at all). Alternatives do not occur to me unless I either reach them on my own, or someone makes it known and even then is dependent on how they approach things. If theres an element of conflict or blame towards me, I unfortunately will have the instinct to get an attitude with you. No. Its not an easy life and I dont wish it on others. In fact I have to overcome a lot of issues with self-hatred and conflict resolution, hence watching these videos. But maybe my personal example can shed some light on things. tldr: Both statements you are asking about are true to an extent, but also context-dependent and every person with ASD is unique in where that will fall under. You are not wrong for reaching the conclusions you asked about because that kind of is what is happening.

[@musica4567]

​@EmperorZaph1512 thank you for writing this. It sounds like you have found strategies that work and compromises that work for both of you. A real marriage in my opinion involves both people being able to say yeah this isn't important to me but it's important to him / her and I'm OK doing it the odd time...and it sounds like that is what you're doing! Awesome!

[@abirschbach]

​@@EmperorZaph1512wow, you try 😮

[@Undoing88]

There's already an awesome reply here, but I'll throw in my two cents anyway. It can be either. Sometimes it's an inability to even conceive of the idea of others having a different opinion -- I think of that more as a "subconscious dismissal" -- and other times, it is a rather utilitarian downplaying of other people's reasons or viewpoints because we believe that we have the single most logical conclusion. This second way, unfortunately, in my own life, always led me to completely disregard people's emotions in pursuit of the most efficient solution to a problem. That might fly in the military, maybe in certain parts of the business world, but certainly not in interpersonal relationships, and absolutely not in a romantic relationship or a close friendship or a parent/child relationship. In all of those scenarios, that kind of approach will lead to solitude. It wasn't until I did coaching with someone like Mark, and some therapy, that I was able to understand how important emotions are to the human experience and to overall mental health. Gaining that knowledge, I no longer find myself dismissing the emotions of others. Now, I'm actually SO conscious of emotions that I've become " an entirely different person" according to most people who knew me a few years ago, and in a really good way. Hope that helps you (and whoever else reads this) in some way! If you have any further questions, I'd be happy to elaborate.

[@martinapfaar7902]

Wow you have explained it very nicely. Thank you! I have another question for you and I would like to hear your opinion! How would you explain Love. Are you in Love with your wife, or is it more a feeling of contentment. Do you like to cuddle?What made you want to share your space with her? And do you feel you need time away from her? But mostly I would like t hear about how you Love! Thank you

[@happyesposa8615]

Starting at about 48:30, where you talk about the meltdowns where he feels better, and everyone around him is traumatized. Yes, that's what happens. No, it's not ok for him to deal with his anxiety in this destructive manner. It is incredibly toxic and damaging to those around him. How do you suggest he starts to change this response pattern?

[@itchysheets1222]

Totally agree. It’s not just that everyone else around us traumatized, it’s the traumatization is stacked on top of all the other times, we never get relief, we only ever feel worse and worse.

[@musica4567]

He has to be willing to learn how to manage his anxiety. He could learn from Mark or another ASD informed counsellor. But if he's in denial it's an uphill battle for you. Mark is right. He won't recall his past meltdowns. Brain is too flooded, and so later there's no recall - basically a type of dissociated state re flight or flight. Several people in my life with ASD have no recall of their meltdowns and shutdowns. I suspect my father had autism and didn't recall any of his shutdowns. But it left his kids with PTSD. If he had gotten help it would have changed everything for his family. It is sad when ASD anxiety ruins relationships and it is manageable. I don't think Mark would do this work if there was no hope!!

[@boojangles]

@@musica4567 Any idea where can I find a group where both parties are successfully working towards making it better? All of my support groups are full of partners who are advised to find emotional nourishment elsewhere and accept that we will never get it from our partners. What kind of life is that? Shouldn't he be trying to understand the NT the way I am trying to understand the asd?

[@musica4567]

@boojangles I've attended Mark's group for couples. But to answer your question, the person with ASD will never process information the way we NTs do. In my view it is a disability. If you expect him to learn how to process things the same way that you process things, I don't think that can ever happen.

[@HprFcs]

@@boojanglesAre you sure he’s not trying? Too many non-ASD people keep thinking we act like this on purpose or don’t care, that’s why I ask. Personally I am trying my hardest to understand my non-ASD lady and what she needs from me. I do anything for her because she absolutely deserves it. But this I just can’t. Says nothing about my love for her. I just don’t get it, I don’t understand what she’s missing, I wish she could explain. Could be the same for your guy. It’s like asking a dog to meow, that’s bound to disappoint both. Usually this is just really sad for both parties.

[@lizfenske8118]

My body has taken a toll on my health. He has physically abused me more than once. Now my doctor has said that I am sicker from my home environment. I am not qualified to nurture after 19 years. I know now it's killing me. I have no choice but to save my self and leave. He has very dangerous interests in sniper guns and watches videos on guns and killing. I don't know what is going on in his mind and that scares me. He is not a hunter or ever been in the service. But he dresses up like he's G.I Joe daily. He has never taken the time to learn about ASD and our relationship. I am so tired and feel alone and not safe with him. My heart breaks because I know it's time for me to live alone. 💔

[@itsnotuitsbre9619]

@@lizfenske8118 are you okay?

[@boojangles]

I find it frustrating that I have to give him a timeline if it's something I want to attend. If it's an event for his family or work the time issue doesn't seem to be an issue for him. Why can't we both just be expected to grin and bear it out of love for the other person? Is it selfish or unfair for me to feel this way? I realize it might be easier for me but it's not as though I never experience discomfort or anxiety at his events. The social skills and basic considerations are lacking when it comes to him being around loved ones, but he has no problem modeling normal behavior for strangers. He will literally greet and open a door for a stranger while I am struggling and carrying 3 heavy suitcases beside him. Why does he make the effort to fake it for them but not bother trying for us? I can't even pose these questions without feeling like I'm wrong and it's all my fault.

[@musica4567]

Learning more about ASD helped me understand the answer to your questions. He is not wired the way you are wired. That is the general answer to why his actions don't make sense to you. And yes it is frustrating to be in a relationship with someone you don't understand.

[@cocodream_3785]

He’s masking with them and being his true self with you. He always will want to appear favorable for others.

[@sandramcinnesscott2931]

This happens for me...still can't get my head round it and not sure am willing to be made to feel like nothing or second best for the rest of my life...

[@musica4567]

@sandramcinnesscott2931 these relationships are a lot of stress. Unless you can get those needs met elsewhere, it is very hard to live like this long term.

[@Shalom-12]

As an autistic woman who is currently about to be divorced by my husband for many reasons related to autism, including the above reason of needing time limits or being unable to attend a family gathering all together, the first thing that comes to mind is this: it's called accommodating a disability. I guess a lot of people can't consider that or live with it. This comment section is plain sad.

[@underHiswings77]

Studying ASD for years, I’d love to hear Dr. H’s input on the percentage if researched …. Of people with ASD also having bi-polar disorder. Do they often run together?

[@michaellemmen]

14:45 I guess what I don’t understand is how Asperger’s is a developmental disorder. To me it just seems like a matter of values. It seems NT people… especially women (which is true of NT men and women according to the studies), just value emotions more highly than the ND men… so… Isn’t it just a value preference? Why is it considered a developmental disorder? Are emotions more important than logic? Is there a name for somebody who is emotionally ‘correct’ but has a logical impediment? I have a few ideas, but I’m genuinely asking. And is there a correct level of emotion? Where do we draw the line? I’m probably giving it away from my comment, but I believe myself to be on the spectrum… but there is another thing that I don’t understand. Is Asperger’s real? I mean, if it is, and these people (maybe me) have an emotional developmental disorder, why do they even get involved in marriage? (asking you aspies). The reason I believe myself to have this ‘disorder,’ is because I value efficiency, logic, reason, and truth, above all else. I truly do not understand why emotions are important. I am not exaggerating. They just get in the way of tasks. I’ve never heard it put so succinctly before. I started realizing this about myself before I started to speculate that I may be on the spectrum, so I abandoned my romantic relationships because I knew that I could not give them what they want. I knew where my values were and are. So, I guess my next question is: if you are an aspie, why did you get married…? are you really an aspie? Or do you just not truly value your logic and reason above emotion? Why not abandon your current relationship? Or is there a logical reason for sticking around? But if there is a logical reason for sticking around, why are aspies so bad at relationships? Wouldn’t they be excellent if the relationship served a logical point? I tend to get stuck in black and white thinking like this. To me, anything else seems inconsistent and dishonest. Maybe someone can shed some light on this in the comment section. God bless…

[@matildawhittington7132]

Good questions, I wonder those too. I don’t have answers for them but I hope things will get clearer as we proceed. I find you both honest and fair to end your relationship. If you are ok as a single person, well done stepping away.

[@JaxCover]

I'm guessing that you still have social needs, correct? You don't want to be alone all the time? Then there are just the practical benefits to being in a relationship. Financial, sexual, help getting daily chores done, etc. Appearing to look normal to others-- maybe being in a relationship- is a form of masking typical behavior. (Typical relationships).

[@trunnellstaverntales6228]

Aspie here. Emotions are as much of a fact as gravity. They are so deeply rooted in our human experience, they are unavoidable and inescapable. You and I aren't immune to them, as this video (and an honest reflection of yourself) will reveal. It doesn't sound logical to ignore and discount such a huge part of the human experience. It doesn't sound reasonable to toss that aside. And it certainly doesn't help us get our tasks done if we can't be a social animal. We limit ourselves if we isolate. So I studies psychology, philosophy, religion, art, anthropology, all of the "soft" sciences. I wanted to understand emotion, feelings, culture, social customs, all of that confusing mess. And so I did. I got pretty good at it. I can understand why someone would feel a way, how that impacts their subjective experience, how that motivates them to act in certain ways. People are just complex systems, meat computers running on ancient software. You can't be fully effective or rational by ignoring the mind and our human condition. And honestly, it's a better life. I can connect with my wife. I cry at movies. I can experience joy and sorrow, being a part of the emotional rainbow while also understanding it objectively.

[@GWAYGWAY1]

@@JaxCover Aspie female here. Good comment, but in these situations I think NTs often see it as “being used”.

[@hmmm2564]

​@@trunnellstaverntales6228sounds like you just want to fit in

[@user-cw7kq5gh4k]

Mark, Does a person with alexithymia know they have it?

[@WayneChristian-xo6bk]

I agree wirh you, Mark, but I do have one rule that I must remind my husband about before any family gathering. It is " Do not talk about or speak to me". Any time he does, it comes across as negative, which hedoesn't tealize whwn cracking a joke about me, or interrupting one of my conversations with something irrelevant. I wonder if any other NT wives with ASD husbands experience this problem in social settings. It's almost as though he wants to get back at me for my "control" as he calls it. He has an extreme form of ASD with all of the traits except light and noise sensitiviry.

[@NancyGram]

That’s a good rule. It feels to me like he wants to be involved and he doesn’t get that it hurts me or is inappropriate and rude. When I try to explain this, he fights back with “Why? I just joking.” Or “Why? I want to understand,” But he doesn’t. Ever get it no matter how much I explain it. Another Difficulty is he does not know or Want to know that he has autistic characteristics so he won’t consider getting help in any way.

[@SaraAppletonwastheQWERTYmail]

Lately my sweet Johnny has been keeping his room like Count Drakula’s, day or night & only goes out to his appts. or corner store. He plans to move to a nicer area in SF but I can only hope this will help him lose some of his negativity. I plan to stand by him since he has helped me so much with his logical reasoning & see our crazy world more realistically. Thank you Mark for all your encouragement; you have been a beacon of light in my weary life dealing with this ASD issue. May God bless you & your family. 💚

[@dianespiro9541]

Yes, I get that all the time. It feels so disrespectful and dismissive, I feel like he always has to take me down and plays into the whole bad relationship.

[@salrc8352]

It’s not worth it and he doesn’t learn

[@ADORABEL25]

How to let go.. it’s sounds super crazy. But even though he works on my nerves. I just can’t seem to let go 😢😢 like I have to let go my child :/ I love him for his pureness inside. I hate all the asd traits

[@alexandrasandraspiteri315]

Hi I need help I criticised him not knowing he had ausburger and now he us overseas as we fought while iverseas and blocked me will he forgive me ?? Should I go there will he change his mind I put him down as he wasn’t opening up in relationship after z6 years ?? Blocked everywhere

[@GWAYGWAY1]

@alexandrasandraspiteri315 Do you have any children together? Perhaps they could get contact with him? 💐

[@akferren1]

I can’t wait to get divorced.. I dream about it

[@michaellemmen]

Some of these traits are me to a T, some not even remotely close.