Don't make these mistakes when visiting a foster family

[@isabelaxu6331]

Please give this woman some kind of award. She is teaching parents all around the world and should be recognized.

[@Pineapple_Kween]

Completely agree! These lessons are so valuable.

[@DrCandyStriper]

And is always so nice about it

[@sofianandama1946]

And not just foster parents and kids! I recall these kinds of parent’s friends visits feeling very uncomfortable ❤

[@stephaniestrong8960]

I wish more families understood that kids need boundaries too

[@foster.parenting]

Agreed - everyone needs boundaries

[@hel2727]

it's almost as if they're also human or smth. (I'm agreeing with you, it's just that people who don't understand this make my blood boil)

[@amerubix185]

Phew, I just understood it the other way round. Maybe because I am German. In Germany someone "needs boundaries" if he or she misbehaves. And in particular the term is used regarding kids.

[@flowersafeheart]

Totally. Often adults go into controlling behavior about children where every second of their life is about rules and pleasing adults - forgetting they need to be allowed enough autonomy, personal space, and choice about their reality (balanced by enough structure and guidance too so it's a dance). It's especially important when you consider how huge a power dynamic there is with being fully dependent on adults for transportation, shelter, food, money, and typically not able or allowed to leave housing or school or other situations if any adults there are getting overly controlling. Control can also make it sonetimes tough for kids to grow into teens and adults confident and practiced in making their own decisions and enough in touch with their own intuition, voice, and personal center.

[@CocotheNut]

​@@flowersafeheartYes! 100%. I think some adults just "default" to being extremely controlling with children without even thinking about it from their perspective and that's really unfortunate.

[@Rubyoreo]

ngl a lot of this should just go for kids in general. You don't know what any kid has gone through, don't pressure for hugs. Edit : Yes of course don't pressure anyone no matter what

[@foster.parenting]

Yeah for sure!

[@aeydra]

Not even what they might have gone through just who they are. Stranger in a private space, touching etc. can be disturbing for a shy child.

[@vindelanda]

I totally agree. I don’t even ask my nieces and nephews for hugs. They know they can hug me if they want to, and they know I am also happy with a wave, a smile, or a high five. We’ve had that policy since they were very little and it makes the times that they do hug me so much more special because it’s their choice.

[@theknittinkitten2954]

Yep. We used to do air high fives for my little brother because he doesn't like being touched

[@andreas.4764]

@@aeydraAgreed. My autistic child does not like to be touched, unless it it very much under their terms. Too many adults have a hard time understanding that.

[@clownfromclowntown]

The alcohol one is so real though, I feel like not enough awareness is credited to kids that gifting/drinking alcohol in front of them can be deeply discomforting. Knowing there’s a potential that your primary caretaker could no longer care or speak to you in the same way is such a frightening feeling. Children know exactly what alcohol is and what it does.

[@BuriedTeeth]

Yeah wtf, basically implying to a child that their mere presence in the home means someone needs to drink their troubles away. Honestly i cant stand any "i bet you need a drink!" type jokes/comments.

[@apoIIc]

This is super true, to this day I still get kind of uncomfortable when people around me drink, even though it wasn’t too bad for me as a kid, and it never resulted in physical violence. As a kid I would get kind of sad when my mom would pour a glass because I knew it meant that everything she said wasn’t going to make any sense for the rest of the day. Kids COMPLETELY know what alcohol does and what it is, even if they dont understand why people drink.

[@oliviapedersen8309]

I’m in my 20s but I still live with my parents and even though they’ve never had an alcohol problem it really upsets me when my dad drinks cause he drinks more than he should and doesn’t seem to understand that

[@kolerebooted5658]

I was a foster child and I literally wouldn't have cared in the slightest, I know some people are different but it truly is NOT that serious.

[@apoIIc]

@@kolerebooted5658 it varies from person to person, and to some people it really IS that serious. For a lot of kids seeing parents drink alcohol is a really big deal, and can send some kids anxiety through the roof. Its ok it wasn’t serious to you but im just saying it can and will affect a lot of others.

[@lauralaforge558]

I like how you keep the same tone and mannerisms even on "what not to do." I am sure there are many who do these things out of ignorance, not malice.

[@Aethelhadas]

Yes!! I think about this a lot

[@andreaslightangels]

Yes, and there are general rules like this when caring for the elderly, hospice etc. All social situations. As an older latin mum, we are used to kiss on the cheek to greet and hug most everyone, so I have to stop myself and think in a carer situation.😊

[@mspaint93]

I was trynna find a way to phrase this! We can be meaning to do the best, thinking nothing with nothing but good intentions, and still mess up terribly in situations we aren't familiar with! Adults are still learning too, and these help and in a way that isn't insulting or condescending to people who could be screwing up a bit, in a way that isn't immediately accusatory and angry which makes people naturally shut down in a way these polite videos don't

[@Rachel-fi4sc]

I tend to explain it with, "say you stepped backwards without realising I'm behind you, and you stepped on my toe by mistake. It's an accident, you didn't mean to, but you'd still apologise, right? I understand that you didn't mean to step in my foot, but that doesn't make my toe stop hurting."

[@amandashamanda9479]

Sorta? To me these things just seem like absolute common sense and all it really takes is putting a little thought behind your actions. Even if the intent of the behaviour isn’t malicious, that doesn’t mean the impact on the child and that family is less.

[@crystalhyuga5679]

I used to take care of an autistic boy who didn't like to be touched. When he wanted affection he would hold out his pointer finger and say "Meef!" with a look of demand and expectation. Then I would curl my own pointer finger around his and that was how we hugged. I miss him.

[@annalisaely4298]

As an autistic adult I appreciate that you actually cared enough to learn his needs and how he communicated, so many allistic people can't be bothered.

[@scylights9449]

the "dont talk negatively abt the child or how hard it is to be a (foster) parent" really reminded me how often my parents would say negative stuff about my siblings and i to other people and even STRANGERS. and they would talk about our private struggles so casually to others. as an adult i understand that adults need to be able to talk about their stress to others, Parenting is hard. but talking about that right in front of the child is just cruel. and a child knowing that you tell other people their private struggles just shows them you arent safe or trustworthy. oof! your videos rly bring up a lot of feelings for me! im another person who isnt a foster child or foster parent, but as many have said, your advice often resonates with many of us with hard upbringings.

[@Ima_lil_Man]

Dang bro I’m so sorry. My parents do the same thing and it just really makes me mad. Like this is our personal stuff and struggles that they just tell to everyone. Plus half the times what they say is plain wrong because my little brother municipalities the story. Just stay strong and wait for the day we’re 18

[@scylights9449]

⁠​⁠@@Ima_lil_Man I'm sorry to you too. GOOD LUCK! It's definitely hard when you're under 18. Hope peace and freedom comes to you!

[@Ima_lil_Man]

@@scylights9449 yeah you to man! Thanks for always being positive!

[@greenbeantm1096]

Same here, definitely broke a lot of trust in my relationship with my mom now that I think about it. I’ve been wondering where that started as my mom was always great to me, this comment made me figure it out.

[@Sleipnirseight]

Same 🙃

[@Carlie_flower]

The people talking to my kids about their personal life and asking crap like "do you want x to adopt you? Wouldn't that be cool?" When that wasn't even an option was cruel and inconsiderate to say the least.... So beyond frustrating. My own Mil does it... The kids' extended bio family too.

[@blueeyedbatman]

This is heartbreaking.... when we fostered, we wanted to adopt two of the boys and they constantly made comments about loving us and wanting to stat. We made sure not to even mention it to them until talking to social workers about it. I'm glad we didn't tell them because they were immediately taken and placed in the home of a person that was barely related to them and had never met them.... and was a senior citizen barely able to care for herself.... I can't imagine how hard it is to have people in your life constantly hurting the kids like that ❤ for you and them, I wish the best!

[@Carlie_flower]

@@blueeyedbatman yea super frustrating when people assume that because you're fostering that it must mean you're also adopting. Sometimes that's not even in the plans and cps is still working towards reunification... Yet still people do this. I'm really sorry that happened to y'all. Fostering can be so hard... It's full of tough choices... My heart goes out to you guys ❤️

[@francinesanchez5402]

Ugh. This breaks my heart. The senior may think there is no other choice as they’ve heard bad things about foster care. 😭. Thanks for doing what you do.

[@pazza4555]

Oh God. I have no experience with foster care, but I've got the sense to keep my mouth shut about anything sensitive, especially around a child. Stick to asking them about their favorite books or pizza toppings. Any kid going through something rough likely needs privacy, and they also need normalcy. I used to volunteer with kids in a shelter, and I love that it was strictly having fun. They needed that.

[@elleumm]

Wow. Can you imagine if people did this to adults? It blows my mind that so many adults don’t understand how to treat kids like people. Don’t put them on the spot. Don’t bring up tough issues, especially if you don’t know them very well, especially in general conversation like that. I swear, those of you who are foster parents need like a manual for the people in your life to read before they ever walk in your house. Also, there’s always the option of just saying nothing. If I’m not sure what to say, especially in a difficult situation, I just keep my mouth shut, and it serves me well.

[@faithjones5491]

We should act this way with all children they deserve boundaries, too.

[@CoffeeMeetsCarnivore]

That was my thoughts. People do this kind of thing with kids that aren’t foster all the time.

[@motionless_horizon]

As a person that grew up with an alcoholic father (I don’t have a single memory with him where he’s sober for the first 15yrs of my life) the alcohol one is so so important. He was never abusive when drunk, but just the fact that he was never sober and put my safety in jeopardy by driving, camping, bouldering, swimming, etc with me while drunk, was enough to cause a lot of damage. It also caused a major rift in our ability to bond, and now that I’m 18, we’re only now starting to build a relationship that’s more than just “this is my dad and I visit him on the weekends.” At this point in my life, I still struggle whenever anyone around me drinks because I remember the emotional neglect that my childhood was full of, and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I wish more people would understand that alcohol can be a major problem for a lot of people for many reasons

[@southrnlvingsc]

These are good rules even for non-foster homes. Mind your business, be respectful of people's feelings, boundaries, privacy and space.

[@Helenahandbasket1971]

My son was never in foster, she described him (- the alcohol I don't drink I don't like it) so spot on. He does have ASD though

[@andreaknisley154]

Mmm.. yes, and no. I can't really think of how these scenarios would fit into a regular family. I've lived with my own family, but have also been in foster care... foster care is completely, completely different than a regular family. It just is. 🤷‍♀️

[@celery7094]

@@andreaknisley154respecting boundaries when it comes to hugs and private space, not talking negatively about the child, not reading things that aren’t yours to read - all of those apply in any situation. Even the alcohol thing is just a specific example of a larger principle that applies regardless - if you’re meeting someone for the first time, child or adult, don’t assume what they are or are not okay with - recognizing that a lot of people in this world have trauma and not making assumptions is a generally good principle for interacting with anyone. There are of course big differences in foster situations and non-foster situations, but for these examples in particular they do seem to apply across the board.

[@southrnlvingsc]

@@andreaknisley154 So if it's not a foster home, you're NOT respectful of people's feelings, boundaries, privacy and space? I didn't say it was a like for like comparison or that they were the same. I was just saying those are good rules to follow in general.

[@razmiddle9410]

If you can't ask someone about their feelings or experiences (don't talk about private experiences is one of the tips)... do you just talk about the weather? Sports, but only the facts of a game and not how the person feels about sports? What else is completely avoidant of private experiences or feelings? I understand needing to be sensitive with a foster child, but taking the approach with everyone seems like a recipe for polite distance from every other human.

[@tasslehoffburfoot4318]

Good to know!! Its funny because i can totally see where these come from but as soon as i think about the potential impacts on a foster child i realize how damaging it can be

[@foster.parenting]

yes! Often these are well-meaning adults who are doing their best but perhaps nervous or didn't really think things through. (I am including myself in this - we all have room for growth!)

[@tasslehoffburfoot4318]

@@foster.parenting yeah it all is really nice - in other situations. Bringing wine is lovely and all, but if you think it through…

[@iMaePlay]

Thank you for mentioning the first, we started fostering when I was around 9 and everyone would bring or buy stuff just for my foster sibling(s), and it was confusing for me at that age and made me feel sad or less important. I knew the reasoning for why they started ignoring me, but it still took a toll on young me’s confidence. ❤️

[@bonnielovely]

very helpful and useful examples

[@foster.parenting]

ty for watching!

[@navijam6155]

I think alot of well intentioned people think that this behaviour is fine with traumatised children, but alot of it is actually very akin to what a predator would do in order to groom a child and these bahviours may bring traumatic flashbacks and feelings to the child no matter how much you're trying to be a good kind person to them.

[@kpoppy9635]

Because predators learn how to talk to kids through normal people...how do you think they gain kids trust?

[@navijam6155]

@@kpoppy9635 I know this, my point was, that when dealing with kids with trauma surrounding things like predatory adults, it becomes difficult to treat them as you would any other child because it can be triggering. I was commenting on how alot of these behaviours are perfectly normal, under normal circumstances. You in fact have validated my point entirely.

[@mchjsosde]

@@kpoppy9635 that's assuming that being a predator somehow causes you to act like a snarling mean monster as your "default". most predators grew up with politeness and performative niceness just like everyone else- the same performance we teach our kids around company they don't know well. the only difference is their intention being to ultimately take advantage of a child, but even then they pick victims who are in a vulnerable situation/have caregivers that assume they are a trustworthy person. my husband recently learned the dad of one of his childhood friends was a prolific molester. this man was likable and funny according to him, we can probably assume his charisma was there before his hurt his first victim- maybe even was a central part of his personality. people forget bad people can be nice too because nice has nothing to do with wishing someone well: "nice" is entirely different than "good". so many parents make this mistake.

[@pazza4555]

​@@mchjsosdeWow. That must have really shook him up.

[@jeanynesaylor3827]

Yes, yes yes! I love that you create these! I show them to my husband often, because they are so helpful to get him to see things in a better way. We have a mixed family. Thank you for all you do! ❤️

[@jt5426]

I love that all these are well-meaning things, but can be perceived so differently. She wasn't being evil or mean. She just wanted to gift gifts, be understanding, to relate, to make conversation and to acknowledge by saying hello or goodbye. Thanks for the insight. Sometimes we can be well-meaning but it can backfire.

[@kaiatheodore]

KZbin has started notifying me of this channel's new posts faster and faster... I mean. I do love them and they're useful to me! But it's strange being earlier every time when I'm usually days late to other channels' new posts. I guess I'll comment on my latest foster update, since I've done that on a few videos--I still haven't started my application (plan is probably August), but I did just find out a pair of my neighbors also plans to foster soon! We spent SIX HOURS yesterday chatting about a wide variety of things, including our plans for fostering, and we're excited to be part of each others' support system when we each start the process.

[@mykesorange]

Sheesh! Those things stress me out and I’m an adult. 😨 I can only imagine how overwhelming those would be for kids.

[@foster.parenting]

for sure - I think a lot of people are well-meaning and perhaps don't know what to say or do. Hopefully this helps some people!

[@gillypiexo]

Dude same 😞 makes me think back to being a child and not being allowed to have boundaries like what was shown in the video. Thats probably why it feels so intimidating to me idk i like my boundaries and im so grateful to have people that respect them.

[@sageXwolfe]

when you said don't talk about how hard it is to be a foster parent that hit me. I was the only one who complained that his entire life and even AT HIS FUNERAL my adopted friends parents non stop talk about how hard they had it and how difficult it is to raise and "deal with" "at risk" children.the last thing they said to him before he passed was that they wished they never adopted him....😢 thank you for spreading this awareness...that stuff HURTS people

[@kaziusmatthews9144]

Thank you, I have been wanting to be a foster parent for Trans youth coming to California for compassionate care. Your work has really helped me feel like I have a guide to how to care for them gently. I hope to be ready in the next two years. I am so excited to be a gentle step in their journey.

[@shalvahmbmacdonald8487]

Really appreciate the insight your videos give. You make me consider other's needs much more!

[@Kasiarzynka]

Also, I don't know anyone who'd fosters children (I hope that's the right verb, I'm not a native speaker) and I don't think I'll ever be in a place where I can take care of a child, last alone one I don't know who potentially went through traumatic events. But I like watching your videos as a sort of training in sympathy and understanding. Like I'd definitely get presents for all kids, not just one, and I would not try to go to their room unless they offer and want me to see it, but as I stated under another comment, I like analyzing things around me when idle, so I'd probably start reading any posted paperwork without thinking, not because I want to learn more about a specific case, but because of a reflex/habit. Now I know to avoid such behavior and it totally makes sense, but isn't something I'd think of on my own in the moment.

[@caleighsmeltzer9121]

I love how the person you represented obviously had only the best intentions. It shows even meaning well may not be enough

[@leahjacobson9253]

Excellent content. Not just for foster children. I want to be treated this way.

[@pangolinsarecool]

Thank you for this video, it was very helpful! Would it be possible for you to make a video about how you should interact with kids in foster care?

[@foster.parenting]

Yes! I am going to create that soon :)

[@Mr.Willimear]

No, not really. Not a video where the children are present; foster children are not allowed to have their pictures taken or be on film….but I’m sure they can work around that in editing

[@tejaswoman]

​@@Mr.WillimearOne has only to watch this video and realize there are no children depicted anywhere in it to realize she's perfectly capable of making a video about good ways to talk to children without showing any children in that video either.

[@Mr.Willimear]

@@tejaswoman No shit

[@chilljelloton2089]

The last bit about letting the child reject a hug or even a common hand gesture made me feel so happy it makes no sense

[@nixite1178]

I know a guy who wanted to go on a date to a bar until he found out I was underage (19) and he said he was relieved because he’s severely triggered by alcohol and wanted to go to bars more often with friends and dates to trick his brain into having a positive association with alcohol. We never dated but he met his current fiancé at a bar I took him to, because I was trying to recover from a deep depression. We helped each other. He’s one of my best friends.

[@donnabirtley6790]

These videos are excellent. Raising awareness about children's boundaries made me think about things I hadn't considered.

[@anagabrieltrevino5439]

My Gf and are not foster parents but we would like to become foster parents in the future. We like to *offer* hugs / high fives. What do you think? Rather than asking: "can I hug you?" Or "do you want a hug?" - Puts the child on the spot - It may be difficult for children to voice boundaries - The child may have a hard time saying "no" to adults. It may be for a variety of reasons, but it is good to keep it in mind. We like to say: "I'm open for hugs / high fives" or "I would like to offer hugs / high fives to anyone who wants them" - can be made funny/ playful - It is a statement about yourself rather than a question directed at the child. - It puts the child in a position where they can choose to initiate contact if *they* so wish. I also like to stay in a neutral position. Avoiding the awkward "don't leave me hanging!" Moment. Often, children are more aware of social cues than we think and the instinct to diffuse a tense or awkward situation can make them act against their own best interests. Especially if they think/ are used to assuming that adults can have strong reactions to being said no to. What do you guys think? Is there something that we could improve on?

[@anunsashtray8244]

As a former foster kid two things: 1) Please, please, please if you have truly good hearts (which you two seem to have) become foster parents! Abuse does not end for kids once they enter foster care, which is a reason I love this channel so much… it’s hard to describe the comfort it brings me. We know kid’s with a rough childhood grow up into a rough adulthood sometimes, but we also know that we are born with many different paths in life! 2) Since you already show trauma informative behavior such as, “the child may have a hard time saying ‘no’ to adults”, I believe that if you two keep on this path, there may be more hugs, high fives and happy tears than you can imagine! 🎉 Good Luck! 🍀 Pay attention to the information she shares, it’s usually one of the best explanations I’ve ever heard of these unique situations. Especially adoption conversations, emergency foster placements, and case worker details. Kids come with multiple workers including CASA, etc… which have high turn over as well. This can catch new parents off guard. I believe in y’all! Edit: Patience is key, humans grow on different timelines. The only other thing is making sure not to pressure the kid into calling you a certain name, especially a traditional parental or overly formal one. Trust will lead to a connection but with every family dynamic it takes time to settle in where everyone is comfortable. Asking for help is 🤗 so amazing of you!

[@KssN27]

At least in California they have court appointed special advocates that can assist foster youth and be a good starting point for experience, many opportunities to volunteer with the foster population.

[@pizzapartytime1826]

As someone who doesn’t like hugs. Yes! Because I’ll give you a hug when I’m ready

[@tejaswoman]

​@@KssN27Looked it up just now and apparently CASA exists in 49 states and the District of Columbia. (Not sure whether North Dakota has nothing of this kind or simply no program affiliated with National CASA.)

[@salamilidaintgonfit7576]

As someone who is currently recovering from touch repulsion(started when I was 5) I would say this is a good way to go.

[@denisia1111]

Ahhhh!!! Laura how many times did you cringe or bust out laughing making this one? The whole time I was screaming in my head NO, NO WAY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WWHHYYYY, NO, and STOP TALKING!!

[@foster.parenting]

hahaha it is cringy! But it happens! And i think often it is well-meaning adults that just don't knwo waht to do or feel nervouse in the moment. hopefully this helps them!

[@hatorihanso9481]

This is such a helpful channel. I'm learning so much

[@foster.parenting]

I appreciate you watching!

[@ellaphx]

Good advice, honestly don't do these things to any kids who don't know you. 1) Don't exclude anyone if you're bringing kids gifts, and don't put them on the spot. 2) Don't talk in front of the kids about how hard it is to raise them. 3) Don't read random paperwork lying around people's houses. I guess hanging them on the wall might be foster home specific. 4) And this is a pet peeve for me, with how much privacy I wanted as a kid and how my mum didn't give a single solitary shit about that. I used to hate having her friends or family I didn't know well enough to share my secrets with, start talking to me about those secrets because my mum had been talking about them. If you're telling people your kids' business, fine, what weighs on the child weighs on the parent and we as adults need to vent. But if you're being told personal stuff about a kid, don't bring it up to them. 5) Don't invade their private spaces. 6) Don't take and post pictures of then without theirs and their parents' permission. 7) Don't pressure kids into physical contact, although for most non-foster kids, asking and giving them the option to say no is probably fine.

[@dharmagirl5889]

I so much appreciate your compassionate and informative videos.

[@BakaMat02]

I mean... I wasn't a foster kid and most of that triggered me or made me unconfortable. Now I'm aware and understand enough about myself that I can mention whatever is needed, sometimes at least. Most of what is shown here should be avoided anytime. :) Unless specified otherwise.

[@doperagu8471]

What I love about this is that we can see this person is well intentioned and trying to be nice. But it's important to know that sometimes just being well intentioned isn't enough. It starts with being well intentioned and then continues with learning and doing things in a way that's best for the child.

[@dustdivesterover4782]

THANK YOU. People DON'T KNOW What They Don't Know 💙💙

[@melodytumblr1549]

I want to become a psychologist for children and teens so your channel is very helpful to learn about the do's and don'ts! Thank you ❤

[@Abigail-p2b]

This is truly fantastic!

[@patmaurer8541]

Yes! These apply no matter what the situation. Just good manners and respect 🥰

[@sophiefrancis8295]

These are good rules for visiting and children but especially so for those in foster or have experience with trauma.

[@Just_One_Tree]

Thank you. This is great advice for interacting with & being around children in general!

[@annaz8335]

I love how you pack a lot of information into the same scenario.

[@KhadijahW.]

This is a really good example of how many well intentioned things can be harmful or hurtful or triggering. Love how your videos aren’t nasty and full of judgement Laura, just educational and informative (not to mention inspiring). Thank you ❤

[@Leci1877]

This just made me start to cry As a child that was in Forster care for six months it was hell the ppl would act all nice and give u toys like these and stuff when the CPS ppl came around and then when they leave they were so mean and the other kids were even meaner i would cry myself to sleep most nights and sneak and call my dad to tell him how much I missed him and loved him and why couldn’t he just come and get me I was 7 I know not all foster parents are like this but I was one of the unlucky ones I guess❤

[@tejaswoman]

Seeing as you had such an unfortunate placement, I'm relieved for your sake it didn't last longer than it did. Hope you are finding healing and that you are able at some point to help others through your experience.

[@JAAAY62]

Thanks for sharing! I think these are good rules for all kids

[@SciPhi_]

ugh reminding me when a foster parent said "You've changed homes. Where's your family? Why doesn't anyone want you?" that stuff still gets to me 10 years later.

[@Mr5lbtumor]

Man the first one. A friend of mine has step children, not foster kids. We often brin gifts for all the kids and I remember her telling me I was being really thoughtful when I asked what her step daughter liked and that "most of my friends don't think like you." And tbh it kind of made me sad thinking of her having to watch her sisters open gifts and not her. It wouldn't even cross my mind to not bring gifts to all the children in the home.

[@applesandoranges9916]

a fun snack for the whole family may be a fun gift.

[@jsavannah123]

Oh my gosh…… my parents needed ur channel.

[@dirtyprancing5930]

Its easy to not think you need to prepare and then to have these awkward moments you regret in hindsight

[@foster.parenting]

haha yep... been there

[@flutenanyidk1806]

😭 THIS FIRST ONE IS SO IMPORTANT YOU DONT UNDERSTAND!!! I was the ONLY bio kid in my house and I was so overlooked by everyone. The press, the agency, the government-funded therapy, the people bringing presents-nobody wanted to include me because I wasn’t a foster kid. I wasn’t “important” or “special” enough to give the time of day, and dang that stings. Edit: Don’t ever go in anyone’s room unless you’re a family member or a close friend. Don’t ask for access to someone’s room. Let them invite you there. As someone who grew up in the foster care system these things seriously gave me the ick because I know my siblings would have been super uncomfortable. Also because a lot of these are breaking huge boundaries in general for the average person. At least this character clearly means well.

[@gh0st3m4ne]

i was stuck in an abusive home situation for 5 years, starting at age 8, with my father and step mother. i went back and forth with my mom and those two but never could muscle up the courage to tell her what was happening. i did. one day, and i have been with her ever since. let me just say, if i didn’t have my mother, a strong and caring woman who comforted me throughout all the legal issues, you are my idea of a amazing mother. even if you’re temporary to some children. if i didn’t have her, i would’ve loved to have you. keep doing what you’re doing. sincerely, a healing, safe, and loved 13 year old girl.

[@donnasheehan3703]

Your skills training is so complete! Professionals could lean from you !

[@Zoee_Box]

The thing is, even as a former foster kid (I was placed with extended family so I had a very different experience than most fosters) these things aren’t obvious to me! Thanks so much for all of the hard work you do and how far you go to educate others 💕

[@moniquebalmer9390]

You are always so informative. Your knowledge is extensive & pretty amazing. Thank you for sharing it with us. The world needs more people like you. Educating others the way that you do, you make a difference every single day. I was a child in the system & never had the fortune of meeting anyone like you. Even when you're no longer in a toxic environment, it's terrifying to be anywhere else. Toxic & dysfunction are sometimes our "normal". I can't tell you how valuable you are.

[@theknittinkitten2954]

My brother is autistic and we used to do air high fives to respect his personal space boundaries. That may also work in this case!

[@Thebatcavepetfriendlybakery]

My fiance just moved in and i told his brother he has a place here too since their living situation was really bad, long story short. His brother moved in too, and he is triggered by alcohol and cigarettes. I like an occasional glass of wine, im not much of a drinker and the most i can handle is a small glass of wine after a rough day. My fiance smokes with his friend but doesnt own any himself and likes to keep it that way. The abuse they grew up with was horrific but his brother always appreciates the consideration i give and that ive always listened to him on anything he talked about. And if i want a glass of wine, i always ask if he is okay with it and he usually is. Even if its my house, he lives there and i want to respect him and his space just as much as he respects me and my space. Hes a great kid and im happy to have him live with us and show him basic consideration.

[@blueeyedbatman]

My husband and I treat foster kids like part of the family - without pushing it obviously. There's a balance of letting them know they're seen and cared for, and allowing them to work through their traumas. 🤷‍♀️

[@writingisfun9842]

I always read posted papers if I get bored. If I ever go to a foster home I shall refrain from that. Thank you for teaching others who don't know this world of foster what it's like.

[@KatePeterson83]

I appreciate you doing this and fostering. I really want to support those in my community who foster and these videos help me a lot.

[@catieheart]

All this, yes and YES! Thank You!!!

[@ihavewallswow743]

As a 15 year old female that was in foster care for the first five years of my life doing these things can trigger the child’s trauma. I’ve seen it happen to other kids including myself. Teaching people even if they don’t foster what should or shouldn’t be said or done is amazing. Keep up the amazing work!!

[@EllaSanders-q5z]

This was so true and helpful. Even though these actions look like they’re nice and the person has kind intentions, it can still have a huge negative impact on the foster child and even the whole household. Thank you for educating us 💙🩵💛

[@theinvertebratequeen]

Not that long ago i was at a party and my friend's 4 year old wanted to play games and I'm a kid at heart so I was like hell yeah. We were playing games with balloons and things when these two other kids came over and started playing too. They were such lovely kids, the only thing I noticed was that they were fond of hitting so I said to them you know no hitting, that's not something friends do and they seemed to understand. Spent the whole night running around being a monster or locked up in prison with invisible locks. I was even stuck in detention at one point and wasn't allowed to speak. Those two kids were so lovely, it was just nice to feel like a kid myself again lol. At the end of the night, their mum took me to one side and I thought "oh no, I've done something wrong". Instead, she thanked me. She said they were two of her foster kids that had come from a rough home. Everyone treated them like they were other and she said it was nice for someone to treat them like normal. She also said she was grateful they got to have fun because they both struggled a lot. I would've never guessed that these kids had been through such horrible things except for the fact they would hit at first but a lot of kids can be like that regardless. They were such innocent children and to think they had come from such hardship was freaking horrible. So glad that they're in a loving home with someone who will treat them like the children that they didn't get to be for so long.

[@Batman-lx9lh]

Ya know that no hitting you said will have a lifetime affect they'll remember that kind guy and that Noone should hit people that they like you and that person who's taken them in are great people

[@Good_luck_.]

“ how’s the family? There fun right?” Basically forcing the child to say yes.

[@mce8799]

My dad stopped being in the picture when I was 6. When my mom meet her now husband they informed his friends about him not being in the picture but forgot to tell one couple. When I met the couple for the first time I was 16 and the female asked about my dad and I don't talk about him and don't want to be asked about him unless I feel comfortable enough to do so and in that case I choose when, I don't want to be put in a corner. Right after I push out that he lives in greece I look at mom with a face telling her "I don't like this at all." Thank you for telling others about this. I want to add that it includes children with single parents and from broken homes that aren't in foster care, even when they become adults. I'm 23 now and I still feel like it is tough to talk about.

[@maureentanevesi2202]

Love watching your posts ❤

[@erobin93]

Thank you for sharing this!!

[@_RavishingRaven_]

You are such an amazing person. Wish more people were like you!! 🥺🙏🏼🥰

[@msrmsr1309]

Love your videos not just for foster parents & kids can be for any kids and parents 👍

[@ceije9393]

I'm not a foster parent, but I can relate to this. My sister and her children had to escape a domestic violence situation, and I myself have been subject to childhood trauma that has affected me into adulthood. Being respectful of boundaries, and letting them come to you when they're ready is really important in building trust.

[@lelouchvibritannia4235]

Really good points to know! I’ll keep these in mind. Some of them I never would have realized could be triggering or upsetting.

[@debk5325]

I enjoy learning the protocol for fosters. Your videos are very educational. Thanks!

[@Jen1N.]

Love your content I've always felt the calling to foster. Your content reminds me to make purposeful steps toward that goal.

[@babetweirdgirl4103]

These are great boundaries for every parent/ child, including foster families.

[@ashleespseudonym]

Love this! Can you do one with suggestions of things TO do? As an awkward person, I need these examples but the opposite.

[@tejaswoman]

She said in one of the comments she was making one soon, so my guess is that by now (six months later) there probably is one. I can't go look at the description of this video without abandoning my comment, so I will suggest looking there first for a link and if you don't find one, then look through her list of videos.

[@lindyjelphie]

I work in education and am finding so many helpful tips in your content. Thank you

[@nothingtoseehere766]

I was put in foster care for a few years at a young age and didn't get with the best of people so seeing your videos warm my heart.

[@Jay-Jay22]

I’m 10 and I watch this with my parents because their foster parents and we’ve gotten a lot of tips from you and I can relate to the first one. We’ve had a lot of family members bring a gift or a basket for someone and not for me or my brother can make us sad but We know it’s not their fault and sometimes they’re not thinking and I think this will help them

[@PhoebeBaxter-o3x]

As a aspiring foster parent all of your videos have been so helpful, keep up the good work ❤️

[@AngelLove1358]

As a former foster kid I appreciate what you’re doing. Thank you!

[@Godlim17]

I have seen some people in the foster/adoption community talking about attachment disorders and how to parent them. But that seems to not be trauma-informed. I would like some info on the difference. Attachment people tend to focus on control and telling kids they need permission to do anything, seems very traumatizing in itself.

[@anunsashtray8244]

Love this question and I hope to see some informed responses to this so I’m leaving a comment hear to hopefully learn as well!

[@SunnyMorningPancakes]

Im wondering where their attachment information is coming from, the only attachment training I've ever done has been "trauma and attachment" paired because they really do go together

[@DogLover1718]

Your such a amazing person for giving all these tips to foster parents

[@kelil1750]

Thank you for this as a foster parent so much has to be considered that is not realized.

[@joybowerman6236]

Love all but as a GAL/CASA the room one doesn’t apply to me… gotta check the rooms every visit!! Love what you post so much

[@Biancaflwan]

THANK YOU for posting this! My daughter just became friends with a foster child at daycare and I have no idea how to deal with them. I’m learning a lot from your channel. Thank you, once again.

[@FlowerChild65]

This is good because I feel like a lot of these are things people would do to just try and be friendly and helpful, not realizing the possible impact.

[@karlyhitchcock7730]

Amazing!! I honestly would've done like half of these! 🙈Would you please make a video of stuff TO say?

[@Regular_Ren]

Love how my social workers/ friends of my foster families COMPLETELY disregarded everything here. Love the legal system. No flaws in it at all.

[@gracealexandrea2150]

Added to the social media thing. Not only is it important to get the parents permission always ask kids if it's okay to take their pictures. Showing kids consent early is important. I am a photographer, I always ask the kids for permission before taking the photo and respect their wishes.

[@freudianslip000]

This is such a good point! Asking for consent AND respecting whatever answer the child gives are both so, so important - especially for kids in precarious situations where they have so little control over what happens to them. It also sets such a good precedent for everyone around you, kids and adults.

[@ashleys5676]

This is so incredibly helpful, thank you!!

[@piapadmore430]

These videos are unbelievably helpful 🎉🎉🎉 …and fun to watch❤

[@awkwardlyamy3765]

I use some of of things for my Autistic son & we are recovering addicts so I spotted & understood the no nos before you wrote up the reasonings..❤❤ You & your husband are angels in this earth...

[@larafranke1802]

I had the opposite Problem. My cousin took in young teenage girls and when I visted them after a short time one of them started to hug me. My cousin stepped in telling her that it is not okay to hug a stranger without consent. I later talked to my cousin and she told me that these girls have to unlearn some stuff about physical closeness and boundaries. It didn't matter if I wanted the hug or not, they didn't know me long enough.

[@queentroller2865]

I do the hug or High five options with my nephews. Sometimes they dont even want that, so I say "Alright, I'll just wave. :)"

[@annmarie6545]

Very helpful information, for ALL children!! TYFS!

[@isapu1948]

Woops Didn't realize there would be a situation where me reading anything on a wall would be bad 😅

[@w1ll1amtv]

It shouldn't - idk why anyone would have private information clearly on their walls if they intend on having guests in that room

[@AramatiPaz]

​@@w1ll1amtvmaybe they didn't intend. Some visitors are just invasives

[@JamesFlannigan-yu4cq]

I was a foster kid. I'm 58 now. Some of these things are still triggers for me. Thank you for teaching the public.

[@annaf3915]

The worst (and sadly also most common) question for me is: So how long is he going to stay with you? In front of the child. Or: They are so lucky to be with you now, some people shouldn't be allowed to have children