Dr. Ramani’s Guide to Identifying the Final Narcissistic Discard

[@dharmaslife]

Once you recognize a narc, you can’t unsee it

[@HisWordisLife4U]

Nope. And they are everywhere.

[@anacristinamoura881]

True!

[@lindltailor]

Except for covert

[@HisWordisLife4U]

@@lindltailor How does that one operate?

[@anacristinamoura881]

@@lindltailor covert takes much much longer to identify (i think that's what you mean), but once you know it you can't unsee it too.

[@youngblood8540]

Narcissists pretent to love you, until they don't need you anymore.

[@CHDean]

The Narc can’t “love”. Their love is like a toaster.

[@elcee7800]

I don’t even think they pretend. They just don’t.

[@CHDean]

@@elcee7800 “They just don’t.” #GreatQuote

[@DanielColageo]

Yeah, let my whole life get pushed into the ground. Now homeless and without money, my business is almost in ruins, and my relationships have been affected. I'm responsible for my life, but damn....that was some shit.

[@goldieshawel8683]

They never loved you. You were or are supply for them.

[@ardent9422]

I think the person being discarded is the one who gets the real final discard, by never letting the narcissist back in. It’s really up to you, to recognize what you’re dealing with and be done for good.

[@AlexLouiseWest]

Absolutely.

[@dermaspaceSC]

Amen. It took my ex demanding to know the details of my SA then later for mocking me for the fact I was SAed for me to understand how little he cared about me.

[@Sparcyyy727]

Love this

[@oldmomma56]

@@Sparcyyy727 true in cases where you do not have grandchildren you are asked to discard! I refuse to make the young ones pay a price for their parents’ idiocy and illness. When they are old enough to understand, that is up to the grandkids.

[@amaqueen9012]

FACTS😳🤣

[@sushmayen]

The silent treatment is temporary discard. They always come back only to discard you again.

[@elizabethmahoney7344]

Yes, they ‘hoover’ you back in and give you the silent treatment again.

[@dharmaslife]

And when they find you are not desperately clamouring after them they start the Hoover and will do disgusting things like use their kids to try to get to you

[@laurad1487]

They use the temporary discard to punish you sometimes, and there are times when you don't even know why.

[@amaqueen9012]

IVE HAD ENUF😳😳😳😳🤣🤣 KEEP MOVING ✌🏿

[@nickbargas7352]

The silent treatment is a form of punishment and manipulation. Not at all a discard. A discard usually does not have closure and that's what gives them the hoover opportunity at a later time. If you haven't figured out what they are they usually hoover you back at least once but if you understand what true NPD is you will NEVER allow them back into your life.

[@Michelle-u5y]

The narcissist didn’t discard me, I discarded him. I blocked everything associated with him. He tried to call me two years ago and that’s when I added his number to my blocked numbers. Once I cut off everything and everyone associated with him my emotional attachment faded away. Now I feel absolutely nothing for him, it’s a great feeling

[@yukio_saito]

Great to hear you blocked them out.

[@justrosy5]

That's what it takes - you have to cut off all points of contact, and also, move at least twice after that, change jobs, etc. But first thing to do is cut off all points of contact.

[@jl3268]

But not ​so easy if it's your mother.

[@melissachase1649]

❤❤❤❤❤🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

[@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh]

Great for you!!! Congratulations! You have a big win! It takes a lot of work and maturity to realize that and have the cahoonas to walk away!

[@caralee2617]

Narcissists move VERY fast in relationships. It's not uncommon to hear, “I love you", and/or be bombarded with love songs/texts/memes a few weeks after meeting them. By rushing into sex/intimacy, they fast-forward the relationship. They get their targets to fall for them before he/she can realize something is amiss. I believe this is also the reason they tend to be VERY good lovers. Sex is usually the “hook” in toxic relationships. Narcissists lack genuine personalities. So, they mirror their targets. If you find you have “so much in common" with a new person, your likes are their likes, and your dislikes are coincidentally their dislikes as well, raise your antennas! They may be mirroring you. This is the “soulmates" hook… You'll also notice that they'll spend more time telling you who they are, verses showing you. As time goes on, you'll notice the words they used to describe themselves do not fit their personality - at all. But, they will fit YOURS!!! Passive-aggressive behavior and irrational/unexplained anger, are also major red flags. Pay attention to how a person treats you the first time you say, “No”, and/or when things don't go their way… If they give you the silent treatment, grow cold, and/or pull away, do not overlook it! Most importantly, if someone pulls away, or goes silent, after you set a boundary - DO NOT pursue them! This is how they groom you to be the chaser in the relationship. It's emotional abuse/manipulation! Pay close attention to people who portray themselves as victims. NOTHING is EVER their fault! EVERYONE, including the family pet, has done them wrong… ALL of their ex's are “crazy” and mistreated them… They’re great, but no one appreciates said greatness… Simply put, it's bullshit! No one should have a laundry list of bad experiences. If they do, RUN, because they're the common denominator! Narcissists tend to have a history of failed/short-term relationships. Believe it or not, it's hard for Narcissists to find people to deal with them long term due to their instability and poor behavior… Superficial relationships/friendships. I've noticed they don't have anyone they're genuinely close to. This is due to their inability to bond and form true attachments to people. Their relationships are shallow and based on surface-level bs. They'll refer to someone as their bestfriend, but you’ll notice they barely speak. Or, that the person is never really around. Or, only shows up when it's time to party, etc. They may also speak down on/poorly of said “bestfriend” behind their back. Narcissists tend to be condescending, two-faced and downright mean! Based on my experience, they cannot talk about deep subjects (i.e. fears/emotions). Or, how a situation truly made them feel. Or, what their childhood was like in detail… They don't want to go there. I suspect, it's because they can't. They don't know themselves well enough. They can't connect. They also live in a world of dishonesty. They're very dishonest with themselves about who they truly are. A poor relationship with their Mother/primary caregiver. Underlying issues between Narcissists and their Mother's (abuse, neglect, don’t get along, etc.), seems to be common. People that I've known who've displayed strong Narcissistic tendencies, ALL had bad relationships with their Mothers! I think it's worth mentioning, their Mother's also displayed strong Narcissistic traits… I'm fully aware and understand that there are healthy adults who have toxic Mother's. However, if you're spotting several red flags in an individual, including this one, pay closer attention! They're selfish! Some are selfish from the very beginning. Some start out generous and slowly begin withholding. Some act helpless and needy. They manipulate people into doing things for them, but never give back. It's not only financial and material selfishness. They're selfish emotionally, affectionately, conversationally. sexually and with their attention. They withhold validation and support. EVERYTHING has to be about them, their needs, their wants and everything happens on their terms. Anger, rage, silent treatments and disappearing acts are common - when they don't get their way. Pathological lying. Narcissists are professional liars. It's their second nature. If you call them out, they'll have no issue staring deeply into your eyes as they tell another lie! You'll hardly ever get the truth. Even with unchallengeable proof of the truth, they'll hold on to the lie. It's actually quite fascinating to see them in action - once you know what you’re dealing with. They also have the uncanny ability to provoke doubt in their victims (even when you KNOW the truth), because their lies are so convincing! Beware of people who do not seek conflict resolution. Many Narcissists enjoy drama/chaos! Remember, these are high-conflict personalities. Many of them NEED to argue and fight! Peace to a narcissist, is what chaos is to non-disordered people - unsettling. This is why they repeat behaviors that trigger a negative response. They need tension, anger and high/out of control emotions. They're known for calling people crazy, drama queens, insecure, etc., but never admit what they did to provoke those responses. And, when you attempt to discuss/resolve something, THEY said/did, they’ll gaslight, stonewall and/or flip it back on to you. They're extremely disrespectful, rude and lack self-awareness. They have an issue with being called out on their behavior and project/deflect to avoid accountability. “Normal” people want to get along, for the most part. So, they seek fair compromises when conflict arises. Narcissists want to “win” and conflict IS their niche. This is how many Narcissists get their way - they wear people down via conflict. Immaturity. It’s one thing to be playful and lighthearted (in appropriate settings), as an adult. It’s something completely different to be immature. Narcissists suffer from arrested development. They do not know how to respond to situations/people/stress/life appropriately. They have a child-like mindset. They truly believe everything is about them and have no concept of the needs of others. By nature, children are takers. They have no concept of reciprocation. They believe their Parents (and everyone else), exists to meet their needs. When their needs aren’t met, or they don’t get what they want, they become mean and throw tantrums. Narcissists cannot think outside of themselves and their wants/needs - like children. They’re completely unaware that people are individuals with their own agency, needs, wants, opinions... They truly believe people exist to serve them. They believe their job is to receive. They’re children trapped in adult bodies, who cannot consider anything/anyone other than themselves! Above everything I've stated, trust your intuition! Narcissists give off an uneasy vibe. They try very hard to appear cool, calm and collected - on the surface. But, you can feel their energy. It's very off-putting. They also tend to have more noticeable negative qualities, than most people. But, you have to stop justifying and making excuses, in order to see things clearly. Accept people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Observe, listen and trust yourself. No one should be allowed to grant themselves a position in your life. Vet people and YOU decide if they'll be a liability, or an asset, to you. Lastly, take cues from your body. If you ever feel your mood changing, feel anxious or feel your stomach knot up, in the company of someone, don't dismiss it! It could be a sign that you're in bad company!!! Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyHub@gmail. com.

[@colbytrahan86]

I think you just described my now ex wife. She is also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Everything seemed to be going fine in our new marriage of 10 months before she filed for divorce. This came two months after she suffered a miscarriage. She began to drink very heavily from the grief and I begged and pleaded her to stop. She literally told me she didn’t care if it was abusive to me or unattractive. Took no accountability for anything she did wrong in the marriage. In her previous relationships she was ALWAYS the victim. She constantly brought up my ex girlfriends even after we were married. I now know this was manipulation towards me. I always told her where my faults were in prior relationships and that I grew from them. Before me she had a bad relationship with her mother but it seemed to improve a lot while we were together. Somehow I was blamed for the dissolution of the marriage. It was all my fault and I was labeled as the abuser. I wasn’t perfect but I never lied, cheated or abused her. I feel as I was used as a boy toy/sperm bank until she was finished with me.

[@Satamatos]

She has no idea how much her videos have helped us and saved us in many ways

[@joanndeck4315]

💯💖

[@kellysanzone6754]

She was introduced to me by a childhood friend the 1st month I filed for divorce. I lay in bed watching her EVERY night. Dr Ramani literally saved my Life, no joking🙏🏽❤️‍🩹 THANK YOU SO MUCH💥🩷

[@SherryONeill]

Yes!! Dr Ramani Saved my Life By Teaching Us Gray Rock And No ConTAct And Boundarys I Broke The Trauma Bonds Strongest Ties And Healed The Worst CPTSD Triggers I Would Love To Give Dr Ramani A Huge Hug ToDay I Needed Some Of her Videos BeCause I Got Triggered Again And Got Stirred Up And Acting Like The Secrets And Lies Mattered We Will OverCome This Evil One Day At A Time Shalom

[@Satamatos]

@@SherryONeill how did you break the trauma bond?

[@mjeem2430]

True

[@rodneymartel452]

The discard is when you attain indifference

[@CHDean]

Aah, the coin

[@HisWordisLife4U]

Repeat after me: "meh."

[@HisWordisLife4U]

Repeat after me: "Meh."

[@CHDean]

@@HisWordisLife4U That’s it.

[@CHDean]

@@franciscosticotti2231 plz explain

[@juandapatterson3888]

The victim of a narcissist has the power over the final discard, they just don't always know it. We must educate ourselves.

[@tdg6372]

3 days into this. Still living together. Yesterday i laughed for the first time in so long, just a couple of days and I feel lighter. It takes so much to realise we as the victims have the power to end it all. It just takes an amount of strength we didn't know we had.

[@vivianstewart7523]

@@tdg6372 Good for you! 🙂

[@lookingtowardsthesun]

TY ❤

[@goldieshawel8683]

It is a huge education for sure.

[@sangeetharavindran87]

@@tdg6372 i am yet to find that strength to leave. Feeling discarded for the past 1 month. Acts friendly to get his needs met, and the rest of the time no talking to me at all. Still under the same roof. Weekends are the loneliest that i feel. Nobody to talk to while at home. Seems the days are numbered

[@laurad1487]

A narcissistic relationship is like a form of "Stockholm syndrome."

[@m.j.2939]

Totally

[@goldieshawel8683]

Yes for sure....

[@DoodleWrite]

This describes a past workplace dynamic to a T!!!

[@off-roadadventuresnorthwes692]

So true, she abused the hell out of me and I never could hate on her or get rid of her, even after she clubbed me in the head, sending me to the ER for stitches in my head.

[@christianhunter777]

The final discard happens after you finally pull your head out of your ass and realize, like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, that the wizard is a fraud, and has nothing for her.

[@NoCloudsToday]

Perfect😂❤

[@safiyecelik3386]

I finally pulled my head out of my ass

[@Rosecherry348]

My head was in my ass longer than it should be 😂😂🤣🤣 no more😁😆

[@lindltailor]

My ass is pretty deep apparently

[@katherinestaudt8492]

"There nothing in that black bag for me" she says. Like that. The best movie ever made about human dysfunction! Why does my mind come to that film so often. Why did he pretend to be Dorothy, like making fun of her, when really he is/was behind the curtain.

[@notayoutuber09]

They find a new supply, be thankful, not sad and regretful. They will treat the new supply as bad if not worse than they did you.

[@milenalilly]

I hope you are right. I am worried that they treat them nice.

[@notayoutuber09]

@@milenalilly wont sugar coat it, but in the beginning they most likely will. However, only for a bit. And then theyll treat them like garbage. And the cycle continues onto another person

[@blinkyy1088]

@@milenalilly Narcissists are lonely people at the end of the day

[@milenalilly]

@@notayoutuber09An acquaintance told me the other day. that my ex‘s previous partner has been treated like shit from him, too. My acquaintance also ended his year long friendship with my ex as he has been mistreated as well and he doesn’t want to be friends with someone who disrespects and abuses women. I guess, I know all the answers to let go. Slowly my brain also understands that he won’t change and the rare „good times“ were not real. I hope his new supply will find out before the trauma bonding to him. She is the perfect „victim“. Totally reliant on him. He met her on his last trip to South America and he took her back to Europe to stay with him. She doesn’t have a job…..well, it shouldn’t be my problem but it still is in my head.

[@LaShawnDenise]

Mine ended it in March after going on a trip he hid from me with his “cousins” … ignored me the entire time. Came back and said we were “incompatible” I knew then he was with another woman and I got my confirmation last week. I begged him for two years to travel with me and this is how it ended…….feel so betrayed. They’ve since gone public on social media smh……he hovered up until last week. Now that I know the truth I’m sure he won’t be back. I hate that I’m scared she won’t get the same treatment I did.

[@garycordle5295]

YOU'LL know when the final discard is, when you decide to get off and stay off the rollercoaster ride and go no contact and stay completely away from them.

[@justrosy5]

Exactly. Thank you!

[@garycordle5295]

@@justrosy5 your welcome

[@roberttruman8444]

It's too bad that the narcissist is unaware that it's the final discard.

[@pamhughey8922]

They get married within a year or so to someone they met on the internet.

[@roberttruman8444]

@@pamhughey8922 Actually that's not a sign that it's the final discard. Be careful. I didn't know who I was really dealing with after 7 years on the roller coaster and I had no idea back then what narcissism was. But after the last horrible discard I went away and decided to stay far away from her. She met a guy the following month who was just like me and they were living together soon after. They married a couple of years after that. 10 years after the last discard she got in touch. I had recently separated but was secure and doing well. She told me all the thing wrong with her husband, which actually made me begin to like him. He did all the crazy fun shit that I would have, it was uncanny. I didn't see what was happening, and because I was in a pretty good place I didn't really give much thought to what happened between us years earlier and dismissed it as "we were young and immature". She was also an expert by then at laying down the charm and worst of all she knew how to manipulate our shared history and make it look like fate brought us back together. I don't have to tell you where things went from there. It took her over a year to win me over though. Since I gave up on her I had held onto the belief that She=Pain but that was all I had, so it wasn't much of defence and once she finally got me hooked she started her shit again. They find genius ways of misrepresenting the facts and making things seem very different from before which makes it harder to spot if you don't already know what to look for. You can learn enough about narcissism and be 100% sure that's what it was, but even the slightest bit of hope is enough to suck you back in, under the right circumstances that is. I realised later on that she'd made earlier attempts to reach out with some small and seemingly innocent gesture to test the water and see if I'd take the bait, but failed. She got me after I'd separated from a significant long term partner and she'd been stalking my online presence a bit and could tell from my facebook posts that something had changed and it was clear my ex wasn't in the picture. Take this as a warning. They're never gone. They're the metaphoric turd that just won't flush!

[@dianaschramer5065]

I knew it was the final discard when I said, "I'm done." Period. No more allowing them back in.

[@tamitonedd]

The final is always up to the survivor. They always come back. Always.

[@ImLearning-e7h]

I've been lucky 😂 some narcs feel they are above and don't come back. I'm grateful

[@kathrynhayes1799]

I agree. When you become indifferent to it and find it amusing that they make contact again you’re home free.

[@notayoutuber09]

Not always, but thats a great thing.

[@Jackal-xd9dw]

Not really. Some realise that they can't fool you any longer and run away to avoid acciuntability, too cowardly to face you and the evidence you have against them

[@MM-xw1jm]

Mine was trying to do it in the form of continued harrassment from a distance.

[@sarahkay8784]

You decide when it’s the final the discard. They will come back forever if you let them.

[@melissachase1649]

The biggest part of getting rid of a narc is to not let them know you know who they are. Its ok if they think you are stupid. People don't need to know how much you know.

[@lorihoop3831]

That is the best tactic of all

[@judithargitay9860]

Narcs are addictions. If you had booze issues, for instance, you are forbidden to have even a slip of alcohol for the rest of your life, because that would transport you back to ground zero. The same with narcs: just one "tiny bit" of contact, a message that you respond to, a short phone conversation, an e-mail exchange transports you back to ground zero as regards to healing. At least that's the way I look at it. Total, non-negotiable, unbreakable no contact for a lifetime. That's the only thing that really works.

[@justrosy5]

Some people don't get that luxury, often because of custody or financial related issues.

[@judithargitay9860]

@@justrosy5 Yeah, sadly you're right. Then comes the grey rock.

[@twrecks6279]

@@judithargitay9860 Man I have to do grey rock with my ex all the time.

[@Cherrybee61]

I quit my sister and my booze issue. Now she's telling everyone I'm a boozing liar.😢

[@lindac6919]

The narky is the one addicted. Addicted to you as a Supply.

[@youngblood8540]

Expect nothing but be prepared for everything.

[@Red88Rex]

I think you have to be the one to end it. They’ll keep using and abusing you as long as you allow it.

[@barbarakelly1916]

Being resolute with your ending is important: no Negotiating Including a Mediator; no Second Chances, no Pretzel Logic With Their Excuses/Rationalizations.

[@Luka-DanteGodofMischief]

Dr Ramani saved my life. Thank you

[@RicardoLeroyYarbraMing]

👏👏👏👏👏

[@dermaspaceSC]

Same!!!!

[@Luka-DanteGodofMischief]

@dermaspaceSC isn't it a wonderful feeling to know it's not you and have a beautiful, intelligent, humorous Dr support and counsel you through it?

[@christinaburkemper3105]

I watched "Girl, Interrupted" which made me KZbin Borderline Personality Disorder. That's how I found Ramani. Then I moved onto the types of Narcissistic Personality and my eyes were opened. The last 5 years of mental health recovery started with her.

[@Luka-DanteGodofMischief]

@christinaburkemper3105 interesting you brought up BPD cause I have QuietBPD so I turn all the anger towards me, id rather hurt myself than other, I hate to see ppl suffering, I hate lying and manipulation and then I got stuck with a covert Narc that made my life hell on earth and everyday I'd bat myself up and wanted to commit suicide, ive ended up in the ICU of the Mental hospital just because of the gaslighting and all the games my ex played with my head.. my ex is a witch..im so sorry you also had to go though this cause it's terrible

[@adamv4951]

The final discard was my filing for divorce and getting out of the toxic home. I warned her for years. She didn't change, she got worse. She didn't believe me, she refused to listen to my concerns. Now her world is falling apart and I am free and HAPPY. I just love going to my apartment after work every day. The peace. She can't blame her life on me any more. I forgot what peace was. It's heavenly!

[@kellysanzone6754]

Same story for me. I dropped weight & years....💯☮️❤️‍🩹👍🏼

[@caroleminke6116]

Peace beyond belief! The relief grows over time & gratitude is the result ❤️‍🩹

[@adamv4951]

@@caroleminke6116 thank you! Looking forward to that

[@goldieshawel8683]

Good for you. My narcs mother was a narc...it's a horrible generational mental illness.

[@MindBodyStephen]

Brother this hit home right now and this is so encouraging and empowering, glad to hear you stood up for yourself

[@Pamela-zq3ei]

It's when you end it. Until I figured this out I thought it was in their hands. It ends when you end it. When you don't give them the reaction they're waiting for.

[@michelebazinet9003]

You are absolutely just right

[@sonybarne1298]

PRECISELY! That’s what I’ve done; even recently.

[@aaronknight9759]

They will start to treat you with contempt, then they seek out other supply that takes less energy for them.

[@lucineusch5484]

For me it was death. ❤and sadly I'm relived

[@LifeinUs44]

Its a difficult process when Sadly the NARC is someone you loved ,invested in..only to realize no matter how much WE change ourselves; they resist seeing their Pride,Ego, over criticism, being trivial, manipulative tatics, Gaslighting,constant verbal criticism and verbal attacks of emotional blackmail ;playing the victim constantly..its SOO much to digest and process. The NARC refuses to take responsibility, its ALWAYS everyone else and the NARC has a twisted view of themselves acting like they are the victim, and the NARC literally believes their a saint or angel.

[@lindac6919]

That's why Narkys always insist that you invest in them quickly, without question. So you'll be too invested in them to run, before they turn on you.

[@LifeinUs44]

@@lindac6919 You're reply Hits DEEP !

[@nj6664]

I try not to label a person a narc being that I believe we al have narc characteristics. However me recent person did all of the above repeatedly over the 10yrs and I made excuses. Not so much as to blame myself but to believe I lack understanding and maybe he needed more love and care. But whew all that you said applied ot him and how he treated me. I was so determined to get treated better that I could walk away and stay away. Even when I gave him another chance a couple of months ago, I struggled with do or not. I did but I was still guarded and waiting for the shoe to drop an it did. Oneof his last words to me was "I am not a bad person", yeah right bad is an understatment.

[@lindac6919]

@@nj6664 Narcissists not only have narky characteristics; they intentionally practice them and get better at them. Narky is their motivation, as well as their consistent behavior.

[@cynthiarouse]

*If you feel you have to ‘walk on eggshells’ to be safe or if you dread the approach of the individual turn around and leave and keep going. They never get better. They only get worse. For you of dating age, check your prospects out, do a search on them. Don’t fall for their bamboozle. Anybody who tries to conceal who they really are is hiding something and it is likely so bad that you do not want to know about it, or them. ❤ to the decent. ☺️

[@katherinestaudt8492]

dreading approach is the real indicator of a problem sadly.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

I think that the final discard comes from the target , when we are done and unhooverable then the relationship is done. It’s over when we finish it.

[@qubex]

It’s just my intuition but I expect mine to stay away forever.

[@mrvocal21]

Nah, they always come back. Always. Youre theirs (psychologically) until either of you draw your last breath.

[@om617yota7]

I'm the one who chose when the final discard was. It was when I went no contact.

[@Fonduschmidts]

The light bulb moment for me was realizing that although they had painfully "shut the door" on me (again), it gave me the opportunity (the power) to lock that closed door for good preventing further pain. I decided it was the final discard. There are no regrets.

[@bridgettetraveler658]

A guy I dated years ago got married & years after being married he started calling me asking me to go places with him. I let him know I wasn't interested in him. I thank GOD for making me realize he wasn't who I wanted. He was nowhere near my type. His wife did me an awesome favor by marrying him & taking him off my shoulder. I should send her flowers 🌹🌹 with a thank u card!!!

[@IsraelXOX-gh9mr]

Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done [e-mail]

[@aerotube7291]

Very interesting insight

[@lisad6106]

"Well I have time constraints"🚩

[@csfiskus610]

I can remember how shocked and offended the narcissist was when I reacted with cold indifference when they wanted to cut me off. Only one tried to reconnect with me through a third party. Most left as if nothing happened. It hurt for a bit but it was for the best. Some relationships are worth ending. Narcissistic ones are one of them. Let them go and lock them out.

[@lindac6919]

Right on!

[@cameronbrown8674]

Cutting you off was a manipulation tactic to turn your power back over to them. You didn’t beg or chase, so it validated their fear that they’re abandon-able which inflicted a narcissistic injury. You win, they lose.

[@alealae1686]

I just texted and said to him he is longer part of my life, I enjoy being by , myself, I have time to think, not around him, I have a peace of my mind when he's not around. and I like to keep my peace and quiet to myself, instead of him coming around and shuffling things up all the time and making a mess of everything/. so I rather be alone and not around the shenanigans.

[@dk5755]

I think the final discard, in my case, came when he finally started telling others that we were separating. He had told me several times over the years that we were “done”, but nothing ever happened or changed. I regret not following through on my plans to leave years ago.

[@spacegirl226]

I feel this. My ex threatened me with divorce multiple times over the last few years of our "marriage" while I begged for marriage counseling. I wish, in hindsight, I had saved myself tremendous heartache by leaving the first time he threatened me.

[@HisWordisLife4U]

They always have someone else waiting in the wings. Like grabbing a monkey bar before swinging to another one--they are never without supply. Don't forget to say: "Don't let the door hit ya on the way out" when they finally leave and have some lawn chairs party hats and drinks with umbrellas in them lining the lawn when they move their stuff out into the moving van. It is a reason to celebrate really. Then as they leave raise your glasses for a toast to better days.

[@MENTALHEALTHWITHLUKE]

would like to add something. Whether my ex is a narc or not, the education on this subject has been nothing short of eye-opening and amazing. Yes, there are all the traits and behaviours, which lead me to believe she is, but it's still wrong to diagnose. But it's more than that for me. It's given me back my self worth. It's made me realise that it was still on me. I allowed it to happen because I dismissed those red flags. Having anxious attachment, I never knew about healthy boundaries. I came out of a 14 year relationship 7 years ago and stepped into a world I knew nothing about. I've had 3 relationships since then and they've all gone down the same route. Being the common denominator, the buck has to stop with me. The repeat only stops if you see the lessons and do something about it. Yes these people are wicked to the core But ultimately they only do what we allow them. We can blame them till the cows come home but we have a responsibility to ourselves first and foremost. Let's get the work done, guys, we deserve it. Happy healing 💙

[@abowling5759]

It’s definitely what we allow….

[@barbarakelly1916]

Education is important. As a young woman, I was "book smart" but not "street smart" or "dating smart". i was oblivious to some red flags, and excused others. I have been working on anxious attachment begun in childhood and on setting and using better boundaries. Dr. Ramani's work is immensely helpful.

[@ruthmagiroi3896]

They push you to the edge when you leave you are accused of breaking up the relationship.

[@savitajakhar6191]

Worst feeling ever....one you don't wanna leave but you are forces to

[@tamarazwinak]

He found a replacement

[@p.w.352]

For me it was when they told me how much they have hated me since we were kids, and then proceeded to tell me all of my wrong doings since my birth, and how their whole family jokes about me behind my back. You can never come back from that.

[@alfordromney9080]

Truly sad people..

[@justrosy5]

Very similar to the situation with my narc. At some point in time, you're just... Done.

[@abowling5759]

Yep, you got to believe them the first time!

[@CaliWeHo]

That's horrible.

[@pamwhitehouse5961]

Yes, very horrible and I hurts😢 They sure love to point out other people's flaws, weaknesses, and mistakes but they sit and joke about theirs like it's normal and acceptable. If we slip up and make a mistake or react negatively, it gets addressed in the same vain as a mass murder taking place.

[@melittaanca8993]

the final discard should come from the victim!

[@Julie-bj9jn]

They will experience the same results with others, no one really wants to be a slave. And, they will be back. They also have some experience with triangulating people against each other, and will do whatever they can to keep their previous romantic relationships, to use them against their current, or new ones. Maybe someday I'll meet someone, who doesn't dream that their life isn't some fictional reality show, with a harem fighting over them. But, I won't hold my breath. The finality of the break-up depends on the survivor of the abuse, staying away from the conflict, and not providing supply.

[@LisaSimplified]

My narc mother disowned me 3 times. The first 2x's I didn't believe she meant it. There's this "pretending" it never happened and because she's the "mother" I thought I was wrong and returned. After the 2nd time I "forgave" her and told myself if she does it again I will accept. She disowned me the 3rd time and I said "I accept!" It was so freeing. Since then she's used my siblings to tell me I misunderstood and she didn't mean it. But I know, and she knows, there was no misunderstanding. Now I think of her as an entity. Not human. And this helps me hold my position. Good luck everyone.

[@christinelamb1167]

That's exactly how I think of my mother, "an entity", and an evil one at that!

[@soniahathaway1]

Definitely not the type of mother anyone would want; so jealous, smearing and sad.

[@justrosy5]

You are always in control of your points of contact. Sounds like your siblings are "flying monkeys." Unless you actually need something from them, I would say that you could tell them, "Until you're happy to stop passing messages to me from our mother, I can't communicate with you anymore" and then just stop responding to them when they try to contact you. You don't owe them a thing just because you all once shared a couple of ovaries.

[@lindac6919]

Mom is the one who misunderstood. She didn't take you as seriously as you took her. Loser Mom. You seem like a good person to know.

[@LisaSimplified]

@@lindac6919 Thank you so much. You're right. My perception of the relationship was clearly all in my imagination. And thank you for your kind words. Peace

[@vivianstewart7523]

Toward the end of a 20 year friendship with an overt malignant grandiose narcissist, I was definitely devalued, lied to, and yelled at about things she accused me of that she actually did. The 'kicker' was when I saw what she was doing to her husband behind his back. Not cheating, but with glee purposefully trying to aggravate him, which it did. I wrote a short letter, without accusations, on plain white paper, saying it was over. I blocked her on all social media, phone, and email. Haven't heard a word from her. So much happier now-SO MUCH.

[@Erika1lee]

My narcissist boss has been caught in stealing money from her father's business and opening up multiple credit cards in his name. She has been fired by her father, and the secret service is evaluating the amount of fraud she has done. Work is so much nicer now. I don't have to protect the people around me know that she has gone😊

[@pogofish1]

The final discard for me was when I realised and accepted that I couldn't cope with the cycles of Narcissism any longer - I was quite done! So I prepared my exit strategy and at the next devaluation/discard, walked away, kept any remaining communication minimal/practical/indifferent and went no-contact when the final issues were resolved adequately. Several hoover attempts followed but I held to my resolve. It was only some considerable later that I actually fully realised it was narcissism I was dealing with.

[@Alufandika20222]

This was spot on. This happened to me exactly. The finally discard for me was when I realized that I was truly done with my narc ex. No amount of hoovering or time passed could make me look back or communicate with him in anyway. I found myself in a truly loving healthy relationship, with my myself, and now my awesome husband.

[@frosty_farms]

After 4 months, my narc realized the guy she left me for was actually using her to hopefully get married and gain his citizenship. He had brainwashed her to the point she was scared of me and even kept trying to convince her to get a restraining order against me even tho there was no reason for one. I had known this but she was so caught up she didn't notice. He also kept trying to get her to move across country without her kids. We r still not starting over, but she is bak home thankfully. I am going on with my life and seemingly her as well. She keeps tryig to hoover, but after all these years i know how to finally set boundaries. Ill be moving out after my surgery in july thankfully, but ill keep u guys updated. So wish me luck!!

[@privateprivate8366]

For me, with the narcissists I’ve known, the discard was almost immediately reciprocal and permanent. No hoover - because I wasn’t interested, even if I thought it might save their life (my mother). When she called me once, saying that my sister was angry with her, I took the advice I think I heard from Little Shaman, I didn’t get involved, didn’t show up at her house to do anything about it. I simply asked her if she wanted me to call 911 for her, to which she replied no. I’d understood and was clear on the fact that she’d discarded me so, I locked the door behind me. After a whole lifetime of being her biggest cheerleader, then being treated like something she wanted to stomp out of existence, I wasn’t confused or wavering. She made her choice, that was up to her, and I made mine. That she was trying to beat me over the head or control me, with lesser, probably abusive supply, was not my problem.

[@privateprivate8366]

@@jt5792 when I left, my mother was no longer in existence for me. As I’ve described it before, a couple of the things she said to me, were like a door slamming shut, on its own, between 2 people, in a horror movie. Most would say I abandoned her. But, betrayal, is also abandonment. I wasn’t about to attempt to force someone in my life, that clearly wanted the very worse to happen to me. She might’ve later found that to be a deadly mistake for her. But, I was already long gone, emotionally.

[@stevehumphries4928]

The problem is some are very good at hiding their true intentions, and they fool you into believing they love you. Then if you never dealt narcissistic person, then it will take you time to come to the conclusion that the person is truly evil. The only way to deal with a narcissistic is not to play their idiotic game. When you leave them then you find out all the other terrible stuff they did behind your back. Then they beg you to come back ... don't let them back!!!

[@brileo037]

After 25 years with a covert narcissist; he discarded me. We have 3 kids together one is 22, the other is 16 and 10. The 22 year old woke up to the abuse and stood up to him and helped me realize what this behavior is (narcissism). He discarded me as he saw that our oldest son would not let him have the control he was used to. Destroyed my life by telling everyone around us (including our kids) that HE had realized that I was a manipulator and that I had cheated on him. This was HIS reason for leaving me. Thank God, my kids had witnessed enough abuse to not believe this, but of course, all his family did and I’m very isolated. My kids are with me and know that he lied about everything. That is what has kept me strong, but the damage he did; I don’t know how I’ve survived. Narcissistic behavior can really destroy human lives. 😢

[@brandonhealy7158]

I am 23 I shout at my narc father for abusing my mum I love my mama xx stay strong you got this xx

[@brileo037]

@@brandonhealy7158 thank you!

[@carolfield2760]

I thought it was. He dumped me and I walked away. This was in 2011. He then harassed me forever afterwards and for the most part I ignored it all. It makes no sense, he was the one that wanted out and had somebody else and I gave it to him. I had to block him on everything, not go to things because he would show up. He even followed me into an aisle at the store in 2018 and tried to talk to me. I said yep to him twice. I shouldn't have said anything but was so shocked I answered his questions. That was the last time I saw him. But he did make a comment on the next door page that I was on a couple years later so I left that page and that was the last I heard anything. Finally!!

[@dharmaslife]

When he said he wanted out, you didn’t give him the reaction he wanted… So he was desperately trying to hoover you - good for you for having the strength to not go there

[@serena1261]

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother I grew up this way. I've felt pretty successful in the last three months having no contact with my ex. But my brother reached out for my birthday and I excepted his invite to meet up with him at his church. I love my brother. I will do my best to be supportive of him while keeping to the boundaries I have for myself. I feel very strong right now. It truly was a good one hour with him. ✝️🙏

[@franceperce8284]

I do hope that this time is the final discard even though it kills me as of the moment.

[@JadeComendador]

so do I 😢

[@Godschild-r2j]

He discarded me…and i blocked him from everywhere…left no place for him to come back and will never ever accept him

[@laura-2]

They will lovebomb you to begin with. Nice gifts. Nice dates. Charming. Funny. Affectionate. Compliments. They will tell you that they have strong feelings early on. All of this is fake!! Done to lure you in. They cant love anything or anyone (appart from themselves). I felt there was something off at the start. My gut was screaming at me to leave but i didnt listen. You will see the red flags. But choose to ignore them. When everything goes there way everything is good. But if they’ve had a stressful day at work or something happens to p*** them off they will be moody and misserable. They will play hot and cold. One day they are lovely other days they are cold and distant so you never know where you stand with them. Leaving you feeling confused, hurt and not good enough. Dont ever pull them up on their bad behaviour. If you do they will end the “relationship”. They manipulate and gaslight you into taking their bad behaviour and disrespect. How dare you stand up for yourself! You should bow down to them and be a door mat because they are the best thing since sliced bread and you should be greatful that they chose you! They will blame everything that goes wrong in the relationship on you. They are never to blame. They will never appologize. They will manipulate you into thinking its your fault and you will end up appologizing for your reaction to their bad behaviour. Everything will always be on their terms! You will do whatever they want to do when they want to do it. If its not something they enjoy doing they will not do it. And on the off chance that they will they will be misserable the whole time. They will see you when it suits them. They will never plan things in advance or make future plans. They will never fully commit. If your going through a hard time in life they will never be there to support you. They will avoid everything that involves emotional connection. Dont ever cry in front of them because they will think that your crazy for having feelings. They cant even give to a hug if you were to cry in front of them, they will just look at you blankly. They have no empathy what so ever. They are very selfish and only care about their own needs. Your needs mean nothing to them. They are dead on the inside. No feelings. No emotions. Just an empty soul. They are addicts. They drink too much. They gamble too much. They are stuck in their ways. They will never change. They will lie. They will cheat (mine had been a serial cheater in past relationships and i though that he wouldnt be the same with me. I have no proof that he cheated but from his past its very likely). They will use you. All of this will have a negative effect on your mental health. You will loose so much of yourself with a narcissist. They will drain the life out of you. Save yourself. Love yourself. Leave these toxic human beings. Moreover, I could've gotten hurt from the impact of been cheated on. I'm glad that i got to know ASAP, through METASPYHUB@GMAIL. COM and I appreciate the content you put out for us .

[@brandonhealy7158]

Scam at the end

[@Hanhaneeso]

😂​@@brandonhealy7158

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

🎯Right? Utter BS. People who post crap like that (scammers) have no morals OR empathy or respect for people who are recovering from being in relationships with highly narcissistic individuals.

[@kellysanzone6754]

WOW.....EVERY SINGLE WORD & Sentence you are 🎯...it's so 💯 accurate, it's scary. How can it be??? WHERE & WHAT do these "people" come from??? 1st time I 💯 don't feel alone Or Question myself, it was REAL..Thank you!❤️‍🩹 They are 🐺's in 🐑 Skin.....🐍😈's 🙏🏽❤️‍🩹

[@nicolesiemens8727]

@laura-2 Totally on point- until the scammer sentence at the end. And like it states- you know they cheated on you, it's obvious. You don't need to go searching for "proof". If you're an empath- it's as obvious as the sun rising when someone is lieing, or hiding something from you. You just need to move forward with your life. You didn't deserve to be USED, or ABUSED. Whether it was emotional or physical. Take the lessons that you learned from this experience, and help others now who have gone through the same thing. And don't regret falling in love. Love is the greatest gift you can give someone. If they chose to abuse it- let THEM live with the reality now that they lost someone who genuinely loved them.

[@narii87]

Beautiful conclusion! The final discard happened for me, wether or not she comes back like a snake, she won't get in.

[@moniquejackson7741]

So Brilliant. Whether or not a Narcissist hoovers has so much to do with whether they're getting their Supply needs met or not. The "Final" discard then becomes this complex and elusive thing. You are so Great at this, Dr. Ramani! BTW, you look Beautiful.

[@cdgross5480]

The final discard is a blessing. Excellent information. Thank you 😎

[@jahlive1243]

*THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A “FINAL DISCARD” FROM A NARCISSIST!* The “final discard” *has to be initiated and completed by YOU* in order to exist or become a real thing. Otherwise the term itself is rubbish.

[@katherinestaudt8492]

They say there is sometimes those who discard and never contact you again and I know from experience this is true, whether or not romantic relationship. The shame they have cuts deep, their own guilt of whatever they did to you, that you know and they know you know. They are afraid of you.

[@marysisak2359]

I just wanted to drop a note of thanks to you and the other psychologists who are finally talking about narcissism. I am 71 and I was the scapegoat in a narcissistic family. I, of course, did not know it then. I thought I was the crazy one and I sought help but there was none. Alcohol and being a work alcoholic became my coping mechanisms until I was 32. At that point it all came down. Just to give you the context. I was a functioning alcoholic, respected on my job. When I told them I needed help, they could not do enough for me Within 2 days of telling my boss, I was in a treatment center. I told my mother the night before. She said, don't go there, come home and I will help you. ( I lived in CT, my mother was in NJ). I said no. A few months after I got sober my mother told me how embarrassing it is was for HER for me to go into a treatment center. I said I live in CT, you the live in NJ. Nobody even had to know. Apparently she told everyone (neighbors and relatives). Her response? "Of course I did." I didn't bother to try and find out her logic there.

[@Cornusnuttallii]

I'm sorry to hear that. My oldest sister was the scapegoat in our family, now about your age. She still hasn't worked through it. I quit visiting her because it was all she could talk about, and I was trying to work through my own version of it. I was always called "Mommy's little darling." My mother was afraid of her own shadow and always kept me (last of five) to keep her company when the rest of the family went to the beach, etc. She would tell me "They don't want you around, you are too much trouble." And bad mouthed me to my grandma and aunts, which trickled down to 41 relatives. I was lively, but did no harm. I just figured it all out a few years ago and felt bad that I had ditched my oldest sister. So I went to visit her, and it was the same old stuff, thirty years later. I won't be back.

[@marysisak2359]

@@Cornusnuttallii I kept visiting my mother and doing things for my sister thinking this time.... Once in desperation I asked my mother what she wanted from me she said "I want you to entertain me." I had not come across any of Dr Ramani's work yet so I was still in the fog. I thought Is that thing? Is that my responsibility? A healthy person would have just walked out or said sorry I cannot do that.

[@Cornusnuttallii]

@@marysisak2359 It's really messed up that we gave up so much our lives in a fog about why people act toward us like they do. Always ALWAYS thinking there is something wrong with ourselves. I went in to therapy for seven or eight years after splitting up with my husband, in 1993. He has since murdered a man. They want you to figure this stuff out on your own, but it's essentially in a vacuum. So you move, or whatever. and never get it figured out, and go on like this. I am so glad that I started looking online a little over a year ago. Having had a narc mother, and an overly assertive father who was a POW in WWII and related most of our upbringing to war stories, it was easy for her to make like he was the aggressor and she was the victim. I realize now that he was always grumpy because nobody cared about him or his feelings. She taught victimhood to my two brothers and they hated him. She was very vain and I don't think she really liked any of us girls because we were not petite and attractive and I believe it was an embarrassment to her. Narcs. smh

[@MeineAC]

He ‘final’ discarded me X times during our 12 year relationship…every time he gave the silent treatment…until I discarded him 4 months ago 😌

[@sophieflowers3745]

Same during my 12 year one. It's only when you look back and you think to yourself whyyy did we do it to ourselves😂

[@fespinoza287]

The more I watch your content the more things are put into perspective and I see the abuse that I was receiving. There have been many moments where I say to myself “That’s what that was?!” It’s been rocking my world but you always have a positive/hopeful message. Thanks for that.

[@TheUnitedView79]

These videos have definitely help me. I am currently going through the "discard" phase.. however it is me doing the discard.. I am 44 years old and have 2 children with my wife but over the years it has become more and more obvious I am living with someone who has narcissistic traits (I don't think she has NPD but could be wrong) She would talk to me like s**t.. demean me, talk down to me, stonewall me, cut me off when I am trying to talk and express how i feel.. Say things like "What do you want me to say?" "I don't know what you expect me to do" I felt lost but now I am finding somewhere else to live she has started the hoovering phase "I don't want you to move out, I am sorry, I love you and want us to be together" It has been so hard dealing with this but I have put my foot down and told her that I am moving out.. I have talked to the children and explained what is going on, she really didn't like that. However as I am still living in the family home (i'm on the sofa and staying out of her way) it's getting harder each day ... I appreciate all the help these videos and others have provided.. my self esteem has been so low over the years that I want it back.. I deserve to be happy as everyone else does.. I am taking back my life❤

[@rodica69]

Oh, it took me a full month to gather the courage to see/hear THIS. THANK YOU, Dr RAMANI! I'm in EXACTLY THIS POINT.

[@LValley-kz3yc]

Thank you Dr Ramani, this is so😮 true. Once they discard is a perfect opportunity to take control over your own life. They will always try to come back but that is in your power to block access.

[@denise0777]

Dr. Ramani, thank you so much. Your final discard explanation throughout the video and especially at the "very end" was exactly what I was needing to hear and know! When I (the empath, innocent one and wife) am at a point where there is "no way in" anymore for the narc to get to me, and I am my own person, again, that is the time for me to make MY exit...not wait around for the narc to discard me. Wow, I feel so much better now and can move forward. "No contact" for a married person really does have to be a divorce as a "temporary separation" doesn't "change" the narc's behavior at all...just leads to the hoovering tactic to reel the partner back in! I realize now that I have been caught in a co-dependent cycle for quite a while, but it took 26 years of experiencing, figuring out things, and then finally when the narc retired, it got ugly and hard when his "mask" fell and I wanted "out", but I was not at the right point to do that. I had to put all the puzzle pieces together, know for sure what I was dealing with, evaluate what I should do, and then get to the point where my emotions are no longer in the way!!! I'm already healing by drawing my boundary lines and can proceed further now. God bless you.

[@audw82]

My malignant narcissistic ex wife cheated on me with her boss, also giving her boss $1000s for Heroin, supposedly for her bosses gf, but I think they all 3 partook. I got the final discard when I filed for divorce, 1 attempt at a hoover, but I ignored it. Then a malignant narcissistic divorce ensued. Then later I had to sue her for what was 7 in contempt of court. She knew that I knew so much about her and the fact she wouldn't pay our bills, including mortgage, was a drug addict, alcoholic, and fraudulently stole my entire retirement from me (a disabled person), she won't come close to me ever again. The shame is so great, I've seen the back of her forever. God is good everyday!

[@Melissa-Sue]

That's the most beautiful thing, at the end, I ever heard you say. That brings hope, to those with in... that they have choice.

[@mgroliveira]

Yes, I liked the idea of becoming "unhooverable" - this much healthier path of getting myself and my life into a place in which I am in love with a healthy person and building a healthy life together, a time in which i am involved with meaningful activities that fills my heart and soul and no future faking promisses could distract me from it. Thank you Dr. Ramani for this inspiring video.

[@Andromeda_M31]

If they're able to get supply posting phony photos on social media with a primary supply, they won't have any use for you in public. They may keep contacting you though.

[@ImLearning-e7h]

I've seen this with attractive narcs or those with money.

[@annewoodcock-rr8zv]

I've always, always been kept secret, the whole time I've known him. Meanwhile the supply he left me for and has now gone back to is very public. I'm still angry that I wasn't good enough to be shown off.

[@amyroberts-diggins7525]

Idk if I’ve ever clicked on a video so fast. My narc just contacted me for the first time in 4 years and I’ve been employing every mental health mechanism to not panic about whether or not it’ll happen again.

[@ImLearning-e7h]

Make a list of all the horrible things about them and look at it when you think of responding. You can also visualize a child in them and then get grossed out. 😂 Immaturity

[@moiramarriott4403]

The narc is in need , not you , think of them as a thief. You lock the mental door and focus on you ...the narc will go off for other fuel. Be strong ❤ they have NOT changed

[@elizabethmahoney7344]

Don’t give your narc the chance. They’ve survived for four years without you, so let them keep on surviving and focus all the love on yourself. You’ve got this!!! 💪🏻

[@amyroberts-diggins7525]

Thank you all ❤️ To be clear, I have not responded and never will! He emailed the same day he got divorced from his most recent ex wife. She’s the woman he cheated on me with and my Schadenfreude has been reading the progression of their court case online. He contacted to “make amends” and “make things right with me in what ways he can”. His motives in doing that: - Confuse and hurt his current girlfriend - See if I’m down bad enough to still “need” “help” from him (I was a stay at home wife) - Get assurance that I won’t talk to the press about the abuse I’ve faced when he becomes a pop star ( 😂🙃 ) I cannot make this up 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

@@amyroberts-diggins7525yikes! 😮An ex narc boyfriend of mine randomly sent me a friend request after years of no contact. He caused me severe pain and seriously damaged my life with his lies emotional abuse and cheating. I quickly denied the request. No way I’d ever let him near me again. Good for you for staying strong! 💪🏼 ❤

[@sonalib1224]

Should be a book called "How to discard a narcissist 😅

[@pauljustice1676]

Write ✍️ it!

[@barbarakelly1916]

I recommend the song, "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" as a start. "Lock up the back, Jack; make a new plan, Stan...etc"

[@tiffers8099]

I’m discarding the narc… had to go no contact which I felt very guilty for but I HAD TO!!! I will not be manipulated or sucked back in again! Time to be me again!

[@sharicoburn5475]

I was successful in getting my ex to stop trying to Hoover me by telling him that I go to church now . Knew that would work!!

[@justrosy5]

Ooh, I like that! I should start claiming I'm a Jehovah's Witness or something, lol!!! Maybe I'll make up a religion that sounds "plausibly crazy" or something 😆

[@sharicoburn5475]

@@justrosy5 do it, it works. Lol

[@lindac6919]

Good device!

[@pianoplants7884]

@@justrosy5 I'll try this on the narc dad I'm trying to greyrock over F's Day, as he was the main person dismissing everyone else (women and non-alpha son) in the religist extremist way I was raised.

[@shaniecegullison]

Lol😂❤

[@aprilbundy4395]

You should sell t shirts that say “Become Un-Hooverable”

[@marieborchardt2910]

I like your analogy about the moving virus. I always wondered why the narcissist moved from coast to coast, city to city so many times in her life. Looking for a new group of supply may explain it. I'm just happy she discarded me eventually moved out of my hometown!

[@justrosy5]

I dunno. I've known non-narcissists who did that too. I don't think that moving a lot is a real indicator of narcissism. It's more likely an indicator of someone who has to move for the jobs that are offered them.

[@redruby5689]

They never are far away. I dont engage with my ex. My children communicate what I do to them directly or indirectly. I am happy, try and keep my kids happy. They are sick, miserable, and expecting our kids to care for them and feel sorry for them. I dont care anymore. I focus on me now and what I need to do...best feeling ever !

[@mariaolson251]

It seems like never 🙄 What’s important is when YOU decide it is final . Bombing, devalue and discard no more ❤ Thank you Narc, I’m educated now to know better I love myself, I value myself and I will keep only who and what’s valuable ❤

[@chantaldominique]

I just had a big discard. I went from the love of his life, his endgame, he was divorcing, never felt this love before and he surprised me with a holiday. I was his world during 8 months. It felt Unreal. So much love and connection. During the holiday he changed completely. Emotional distant. He changed 180. The day after, back home I took some space to overthink… But then he dumped me. He was a complete different person. “ I dont love you anymore, every feeling is gone “ adios😣 turns out he was in couples therapy with his ex.

[@lochnessmunster1189]

Yes, it makes sense that there was another person in the background, for this to happen to you like that. Very painful- I've had it too. But be pleased he's gone.

[@LordCutlerBeckett]

Reading the comments and watching this video has been really empowering. Truthfully, *you* have the power. You get to say if it’s the final discard or not. They may try to come back forever, but as long as you don’t respond, just continue stay in no contact or grey rock (every situation’s different), they can’t hoover you back. Take the power and control back from the narcissist and decide to make *this* discard the *last* discard.

[@TheBearfootKnight]

I love how you saved the best for last! The narcissist only comes back into my life as much as I let her. I feel very empowered! Thank you!

[@KathleenHandron]

I learned the true meaning of mental cruelty when my husband left.

[@NewBeginnings-s1v]

The ending was beautiful thank yu!! He will never get in again! No content for life

[@Penumbras1919]

First time I heard this. I felt so bad. He had hurt me for so long, in so many ways, but everyone seems to rally around and support him, emotionally and financially. Meanwhile, radio silence from his family, or ‘our’ friends. People i had known for 10 years. It felt like the world didn’t make sense, I clearly must be worthless/wrong/evil. Knowing this helps a lot.

[@msdeyed4800]

Also when they know that you know how they are and they are worried that you’ll reveal them to others. They’ll run.

[@lindac6919]

Or else they'll smear you.

[@katherinestaudt8492]

He put a lie on his SM (to his fans) I just knee jerk posted he did not have Covid (as true) later realized, he wanted people to think so, went back to delete but he clearly hated that I said that, &deleted my post for me, as I was revealing of him to others. Later he ignored my nice message. You cannot apologize to them., and they don't ever make mistakes.

[@retonyabrown8809]

He discarded me. I am a Christian empathetic person, I’m glad he did it. It really really hurts. I was ready to end the emotional abuse. I was just getting the strength to leave. He had already been circling out of control. I was silent for months,cut off his supply and he didn’t like it so he left. no matter what he said to me I gave no reaction. I was physically there but my mind was in Jamaica,if that makes sense, I find myself ruminating about him, but then I quickly snap back and remember that emotional abuse. It’s crazy how when the mask comes off you don’t even recognize the person. and still to this day. I cannot believe it was all just a game. he came with alcohol and drugs. My life is one billion times better. Still get triggered when I hear certain cars that sound like his, I quiver. I have PTSD it’s been nine months with no contact,he’s blocked on all platforms. He tried to reach out on social media,sending people to tell my adult children to call him, but no cigar. They will try any and everything to sliver back in your life.

[@Kenzie_Hill]

My ex has yet to give me a "final discard" even tho he has a new source. After my divorce, and him now on his 4th wife, he still gaslights, tells lies, and manipulation to glorify himself... he is desparate for validation. My children, friends, and our families know the truth and we all ignore him

[@gemmagarris1392]

That is very true the final discard is in my hands not the narc perfectly said

[@corujariousa]

The comments about life circumstances/opportunities changes leading to the discard was very elucidating. Thanks.

[@GAPeach-uz7vh]

To hear these words is truly painful, only God can give me strength 😢

[@Elle-Bell]

I was with my Narc partner for almost 10years. He got cancer but beat during the relationship, while I was his caretaker. He got a new job and started to climb the corporate ladder and devalue and discard finally happened. I had to initiate the break up with him because he felt too much shame to leave me after everything we went through . He treated me so poorly that I had to leave. I now realize that I put up with his horrendous behavior because he was sick. It was all so confusing.

[@kimyoxsecret]

i PLATONICALLY love Dr. Ramani. She is SO COOL...

[@vixen264]

Going through this now, he love bombed me, put on this fake persona. I fell for it and he used me for his gain. Now he kind of knows I’ve figured him out he’s started to distance himself. He doesn’t reach out first 😭😭😭😊

[@JeannieFairchild-h4g]

Dr. Ramani, I just want you to know that I've given your name to so many people! You have helped me so much over the years. I can spot a narc so easily these days & they seem to be everywhere! Thank you for all the people you've helped. Thank you for being real, honest & encouraging. God bless you!

[@capricris7672]

The final discard I knew was coming when we stopped sleeping together, he initiated this step and right before this he was on the missing list, with the new supply. He hoovered once a few years later but I shut it down. I haven't seen him for nearly six years.

[@clairekinney4133]

Apologies for sharing, but l just had to share as l am so full of excitement as for the first time in almost five year my ex didn't gaslight me, although he tried with everything he had . the nasty twisted things he was accusing of in front of many professionals yet, l stayed calm and focused on why l was at the meeting , l couldn't have achieved this if it wasn't for the knowledge and skill of DR Ramani thank you for giving me the tools to prove l am not crazy you are a remarkable women ❤

[@feannag567]

It felt like a horror movie.Some days it still does. I have dreams about him when the relationship was good. It’s been almost four years and I still have dreams. I still hurt and miss him. He didn’t just abandon me he abandoned our kids too and is probably starting a whole new family. I hate him and love him. I get physically dizzy and sick when I try to explain things about him to somebody else or when I ruminate. I don’t know why I have such physical symptoms like that. I am a lot more sensitive than I used to be and cry more easily.. it has gotten better. I was so mentally sick that I couldn’t even attend any of our divorce hearings and couldn’t fight for anything. He took advantage of that. He took advantage of the entire family and that’s who I hate. I know it’s the same person, but I still have a hard time believing. I knew him for 30 years. I knew him since he was 15. I thought I knew everything about him.

[@jenreiter8580]

I've been struggling with this one, mine won't discard, doesn't want to change anything, but won't go. Im convinced they are an vulnerable/covert narcissist. I'm stuck in it so bad, and I'm trying to figure how to let go.