Reactive Attachment Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder - RAD and BPD

Reactive Attachment Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
shorturl.at/bxB05
Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox:
In English: goo.gl/LQEgy1
In Spanish: tinyurl.com/55f8tz86
In Polish: tinyurl.com/npzs9f98
Attachment is a critical component to successful BPD treatment. In this video we’re going to explore Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and BPD. The presence and overlap of BPD and RAD symptoms make sense based upon common history of those with BPD and how these individuals learn to approach others in relationships. In this video, we do a deep dive into BPD and RAD and what you can do about it to help gain insight into your attachment to others.
Reactive attachment disorder is consider a trauma and stress related disorder.
It is often identified and seen in infancy or early childhood and is characterized by a pattern of noticeably distressed and developmentally inappropriate attachment behaviors, in which the child rarely or minimally turns to an attachment figure for comfort, support, protection, and nurturance.
The essential feature of RAD is absent or poorly developed attachment between the child and supposed caregiving adults. However, Children with RAD are believed to have the capacity to form selective attachments, but due to limited opportunities during early development, they fail to learn and show the behavioral manifestations of selective attachments.
An important note is that a diagnosis of RAD should not be made in children who are developmentally unable to form selective attachments, such as those along the ASD spectrum.
What about in adults? Well, attachment in childhood can change over time based upon experiences and personal growth, but it can also stay the same, particularly if left unaddressed or neglected. We know that those with BPD are at a heightened probability to have attachment issues, and fall into either preoccupied, avoidant, or dismissing attachment styles.
This is one reason why treatment takes so long and is often a push-pull type relationship between client and therapist. For example, getting close with your therapist, feeling fear of rejection or abandonment, pulling back but wanting to be close, so you distance yourself, then agitated because your distant then want to be close but still afraid.
Attachment is scary for those with BPD, and understandably so. The individual with BPD hopefully has a relationship with a therapist that is consistent, caring, and has their best interest in mind. It can be hard to have this and see it clearly when aspects of RAD are present.
For those with RAD and/or BPD, treatment challenges typically arise also when unlearning maladaptive patterns that were developed to manage disorder symptoms like RAD. The maladaptive patterns can include missing sessions, becoming easily frightened, and intense fear of rejection or abandonment by your therapist.
You can change your attachment pattern and therapy is an ideal relationship in which to do it. I want to encourage you to be open and honest about your fears and thoughts with your therapist about these issues. Exploring them and shining a light on them will help you growth and develop a more secure attachment style.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D. has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2anv8dww
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
KZbin: / drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Videos edited by Emil Christopher: [e-mail]

[@jacalynndingemans1701]

About a year ago, I made an appointment with a therapist I found online. I’ve never been to one, but knew I needed one. I had a brief but pleasant conversation with her over the phone just a few days prior to the appointment and was genuinely looking forward to meeting her. I showed up 15m early for the appointment, waited in the lobby for over an hour, and after the guy at the front desk paged her several times, found out that somehow the time slot was double booked and she was meeting with someone else. I was so upset I couldn’t hold back tears. I didn’t cause a scene, I just said thank you and left. Inside I felt forgotten, unimportant, and untrusting of someone who could make such a stupid mistake. Rational part of my brain knew my emotions were an overreaction, but it’s like my brain is disconnected and the sensible part of my brain doesn’t regulate my emotions. She left me a VM later apologizing and asking to reschedule, but my feelings were hurt and I never called her back. I haven’t had it in me to try again. I’ve always had the BPD symptoms (quiet) however a recent marriage/divorce with a narcissist has had me spiraling, genuinely questioning everything about myself, high stress, dissociative episodes, extreme paranoia in regards to others intentions, and codependency. Also feel like I can’t trust anyone to love my authentic self, and I don’t even know what my authentic self looks like. My entire existence is based on how others may perceive me. It feels like I’m being manipulative and manipulated at the same time. If someone perceives me as xyz negative trait, I believe it to be true. I’m so insecure, it annoys even me. It’s a horrible way to live. God help me.

[@AP-nx6xo]

You sound a lot like me but you can express yourself better than I can . I think that not going back to try another appointment with that therapist was wise. In my experience the first appointment is crucial to establish trust and she blew it not you . Having BPD is a nightmare at times; a lot of times. I suffer despite years of counselling with the same psychiatrist. She’s amazing and consistent. All the best to you

[@thecontagiouscajun4795]

Hang in there. You can do this.

[@Christine-jg3hf]

Same here with me and much more

[@AP-nx6xo]

@@enaquasanitas7017 All the best to you ♥️

[@chloejanelle1831]

You're not alone ❤️

[@cosmicfoxglove1047]

I absolutely have the push-pull relationship with my therapist. Today he forgot something I had told him about my life, and I had an extreme reaction, I felt that the safety net (my therapist) suddenly disappeared from underneath me and there was just a huge black hole there instead and I was falling into it. It was frightening and felt like I was going to die. I told him I wanted to quit the session like I had done in the past, but instead I stayed with it and managed to make it to the end of the session without leaving. This is my feedback, don't walk out of a session no matter how hard it gets, stay until the end.

[@laceduplolita]

The same thing happened to me. I quit three sessions before I was able to finally stay through an entire one.

[@BetteBlaze13]

Good job. Keep up the good work. I have complete faith in your abilities. 🙂

[@cosmicfoxglove1047]

@@laceduplolita Well done on staying. Sometimes you have to feel it and go through it.

[@cosmicfoxglove1047]

@@BetteBlaze13 Bless you, thank you.

[@BetteBlaze13]

@@cosmicfoxglove1047 Bless you, too. You're very welcome. 🙂💕

[@Persephonova]

This is exactly the video I needed this week! I just talked to my therapist about how hard it is TO bring my big feelings to the table in my sessions and it has taken a lot of me dipping my toes in with her in telling her about bigger things to gain that trust but over a year and things are starting to really pick up!

[@lindaburlison2341]

Hi Dr fox! I just wanted to let you know that I made a big step forward for myself recently - and I heard you in my head the entire time. Without your videos I would not have behaved how I did. So Thankyou so much! You are amazing! To share what happened - my boyfriend booked a trip with his kids without me and without telling me. I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach - and told him so though not in a mean way (progress!). I went to bed with this major impulse to just dump him that night by text and call it quits. It was a 10/10 urge. But instead I said (to me) “dumping him by text tonight is SELF-destructive. He may deserve that, and I may break up with him, in an adult way, in person, in the future. But - I am making a promise to myself not to do that right now because I know I’m massively triggered right now. I owe it to MYSELF to not act impulsively no matter how much my brain is telling me to do this. I will not react that way as a gift to ME.” That was the only way I could not take that action. In the past I would have done that for sure 1000% but I I woke up the next morning and that impulse was not there and I am SO GLAD I didn’t act on it. For me this was a major turning point in how I handle destructive impulses. And I only did that because of what I have learned from you. I MAY break up with him in the future, but that will be done in a well-thought out, adult, non-impulsive manner that I can be proud of. Thankyou so much Dr Fox.

[@lilafeldman8630]

Thank you so much. Same roots to RAD and BPD. Abandonment, attachment issues, trust and emotional regulation.

[@courtneymissinne5338]

I can only hope someday, I find a therapist. That knows anything about youth, and adult relationships. What effects you as a child, leads to adulthood. Watching every video!! Finally. Someone that is talking, and I understand completely, and he gets it!!! Peace to all watching and much happiness to come…,💕

[@hasanalmazni8330]

Once I feel miserable (everyday), instantly I come to Dr fox channel, it’s like a security blanket ❤️🙏

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m so glad the video was helpful. Be well.

[@inspiretoinspire1175]

I have RAD, and I always wondered how this affected me exactly. After going through therapy, I am much better now! Thank you, Dr. Fox!

[@soundgarden6478]

Eventually some way along the line you're gonna have to make friends with your BPD. Sharing things with a therapist you don't know is difficult, but sharing things that only people with it can discuss is more beneficial. One thing in England is that I get to choose my own working environment when the time is right to go back. Just finding a routine and balance seems so far away. Sorry for the typos.

[@teena32139]

This video was very informative and important for me to see. I often change therapists because it very difficult for me to form a cohesive attachment. Most times I am turned off by how often they want to drug me up or just chit chat. I have never been able to get to my core issues before with any therapist. As a result I am 51 year old woman who finds it difficult to make lasting connections that are beyond surface. I am always alone

[@laceduplolita]

I first found it difficult when I found the right therapist after searching for so long. It was difficult for me because although I felt attached to this particular therapist, I felt guilt and sadness because I never found that from a caregiver or parental figure. I was afraid to get closer to my therapist because she subsequently fulfilled a position in my life in a maternal way and I did not understand the difference between that and a therapist/patient relationship. It has been over a year now and I still struggle with it to this day.

[@AP-nx6xo]

I’ve been with my psychiatrist for 20 years and I’ve never been able to give her even a quick hug ever. She is consistent and maternal and she’s never let me down I guess like you , I was neglected as a child and I never learned to bond. I have trouble with bonding in relationships to this day All the best to you

[@laceduplolita]

@@AP-nx6xo same love. And nothing but the best to you as well

[@AP-nx6xo]

@@laceduplolita thank you

[@tiphaniecopeland8143]

omgeeee.... finally someone talking about this connection! Dr. Fox you're such a badass!!!! thank you! looking forward the video.

[@DrDanielFox]

Thanks, I try to be! I hope you find the video helpful.

[@akhiltk2107]

My ex was havin bpd...i wanna help her

[@hunnybSue]

You have explained me, I had a very abusive childhood. My parents basically did the bare minimum, I was never praised or hugged etc. I was constantly ignored and watched my younger siblings put ahead of me. I was smacked for showing anger. I'm also a survivor of sexual abuse. As an adult I went on to marry a narcissist. I have since been diagnosed with social anxiety and PTSD. My therapist also thinks reactive attachment disorder. It all fits. I don't like being angry and I withdraw. Your explanation was like turning on a light.

[@KpopManiac4Life]

I found my therapist 5 years ago and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I honestly wudnt be here today if it weren't for her and I'm eternally grateful to her. She makes me feel safe, validated, heard and understood and I don't feel any judgyness by her, she's v professional and tries to be neutral and give a 3rd party's pov while always remaining respectful. I rly like that lady cause she reminds me a lot of my best friends haha.

[@kendistromberg6525]

I forwarded this to my new therapist. It very clearly describes what I was trying to explain about relationships with previous therapists.

[@thereseoconnor8897]

OMG! This video says exactly what I went through with my menal health nurse 6 years ago. I got so attached to her that when I was told by her supervisor that we are already making a discharge plan early on in treatment, I relapsed into self harming behaviors, skipping meds, and not working towards recovery. When my nurse figured out the timeline of things she pinpointed it to this one occurrence. I was so afraid of loosing my nurse that I became sick again to avoid this thought and reality.

[@vickyallan1940]

Unfortunately I haven't had any decent therapists yet, I usually get a couple of sessions in and get told that I'm either too complicated or not complicated enough for them to help me. 🤷🤷🤷

[@sarahleahB]

This has been my diagnosis. Very interested to see how I can work on this aspect of my life.

[@7ShadowMaiden7]

Dr. Fox (I had a pediatrician by the same name growing up in Douglas Georgia!!) thank you!!! Thank you for your kindness, your intellect, your insight, your time, your energy, THANK YOU! This is the channel I didn’t know I needed. I’m a 25 yr old female, I have my MS in clinical psychology. I believe I have BPD. I have no formal diagnosis, but every single criterion fits. I have been formally diagnosed with ADHD since age 6- I know these two disorders have a high comorbidity rate, and I have to say, I love this channel. Thank you for making me feel human and like I’m able to be better.

[@lisajabas108]

Thank you Dr Fox for your energy and education

[@DrDanielFox]

You’re welcome. Be well.

[@rae-sun3414]

Thank you, Dr. Fox! I watch you videos often. I feel less alone and more understood.

[@DrDanielFox]

You are very welcome

[@MishaIsha1]

This is very helpful. I've spent a lifetime unable to commit, or stay anywhere, and have moved in adulthood more times than I can count. I've never been officially diagnosed, but once at a 90-day dual-diagnosis center, the therapists eluded to it. I so relate to not being able to attach or I overly attach, then bolt when I feel alone. I appreciate your knowledge. Just want to be able to live the rest of my life and stay somewhere and be engaged fully. Looking for solution🙏 Thank you

[@thefxmua4269]

I would love to hear about BPD and disorganised attachment. I’m 5 years into therapy and recently been told by my therapist my attachment style is disorganised. I also have ADHD. I was like this as a child and my mum was physically absent and my dad emotionally absent. Very interesting to hear about

[@florencia2771]

Same here. It’s painful 😓

[@TheGreatGanksby]

This has been the hardest month of my life. I've been questioning my own sanity, but watching your videos has given me the peace and understanding needed to forego of responsibilities that aren't mine. Thank you, for shining a light on us the psychoanalisis iliterate.

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m so glad you’re finding my videos helpful and I wish you all the best.

[@TheGreatGanksby]

@@DrDanielFox Thank you for your words! if you ever need an editor, count on me, free of charge.

[@stainedshieldsstolenhistor9966]

i am truly, truly forever grateful for you. No one seems to understand how my brain is but you... so i trust u and i shared this video with my therapist/mentor. thank u

[@DrDanielFox]

Wow, thank you

[@ternayalaughton8283]

I think I have RAD . I am diagnosis with BPD . I did this exact thing with my therapist. I have abandonment issue and a great fear of rejection. I think I have passed this on to my son Cassius without knowing . Thank you for the eye opening information.

[@palesasefurutshe6832]

I figured out my past has something to do with how i react to situations! Long being neglected by my dad, my mom passed on when i was 10. On and off relatives, cycle of abuse. I used to cry day and night for the situation to change! Now am 21years old in varsity am suffering from major depression and anxiety. Bpd traits as well. These days i feel nothing but empty and numb towards people. I wanna be so distant but i won't have anyone at the end of the day. I don't wanna hurt anyone by my mouth/judgenent etc. I hide stuff hence why i have internal impulsivity. I still don't trust people either way. Low self imagine everytime am around people i regret being there because am not comfortable with myself. I haven't had a chance to get full therapy at my campus as we're so many! Only get one session once in a while. I don't have a stable therapist everytime i get a new one. I can't afford a private therapist as they charge more than (+/-R800 )ZAR per session. Hence why am so reluctant to even book myself!

[@jenynz5334]

There are workbooks on dialectical therapy, I think Dr Fox wrote at least one. Maybe you can afford that and can at least try on your own. That's what I'm going to do.

[@luisaritosa9700]

I hope you heal, try to search for help, never give up, better days will come...

[@artsmith4285]

Ms. Palesa .. Please get yourself a DBT workbook and start this proven program as soon as you possibly can .. I'm a RETIREE who wishes he'd had access to this material in his first year of HIGH SCHOOL education .!. Best Wishes .. MGB and keep us all

[@natashachan8892]

You are soo helpful. Thankyou!

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m so glad that you find my material helpful. I wish you all the best.

[@claudiabenson3167]

You called it Radical attachmemt at the beginning of the video. Good video thanks

[@refreshingAnd]

Wow, I’ve never heard of this, but it seems to explain actions/feelings I’ve noted, but couldn’t fully understand. Really wish I could go back and see if I was like what you described as a child. I feel like I was, but not positive… Thank you for making this video, Dr. Fox!

[@DrDanielFox]

You’re welcome ☺️

[@adong1]

Some girl on my Facebook put herself on blast saying her life is in shambles because of RAD. I always thought she’d have her life together by now, never would have guessed

[@4you1holdmybreath]

thank you so much for making this video. when i got diagnosed BPD i was also told i have RAD. i couldn’t find much info on how both of them exists together

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m so glad you found the video helpful and I wish you all the best.

[@juliatysiacnaja743]

Thank you for your work. I have just started studying psychology and was able to self-diagnose after participating in research on personality development. Prior to applying to university, I had analysis paralysis that affected my overall well-being, and meditation and yoga were my only tools. On a path to self-healing in order to be able to help others eventually.

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m glad that you were learning to take care of yourself and be cautious of self diagnosis as it’s important that the diagnosis be confirmed by a qualified professional. I wish you all the best.

[@juliatysiacnaja743]

@@DrDanielFox Thank you for your response. I am currently seeking professional opinion and have already booked an appointment with psychiatrist.

[@homebody61]

Sending love to my fellow survivors!

[@yourenough3]

Thanks Dr. Fox ✌️👌

[@DrDanielFox]

Thank you 😊

[@kurmi33]

You are right. I did want to disappoint my therapist never told her about my suicidal ideation was there. Just told her I was happy for another day

[@tiameyer680]

I have watched pretty much all your videos, which led me to believe that I have BPD. unfortunately I am having a very hard time finding a therapist that understands BPD. Do you have any resources or any suggestions?

[@AnnaYV]

My father was querying RAD as a possible diagnosis for me as a child but due to difficulties in my childhood and split parents, I didn’t get a diagnosis as I moved back with my mum. I’ve always related to RAD (I have diagnosed BPD- but I think it’s quiet BPD) and felt it was what was happening when I was a child but nobody seemed to know what was wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️ I am trying to get seen for adhd too as that’s also a possibility. Thankyou for making this video, I haven’t seen one about the links and overlap between the two but I definitely think they are linked.

[@florencia2771]

RAD is a symptom of BPD

[@aviyonka08]

Hi I have a question for you (and I hope I don’t offend) but was your childhood a positive one? And did you grow up with both parents? Im curious because of what you said your father said.

[@AnnaYV]

@@aviyonka08 no, you haven’t offended me :) my childhood certainly could have been better. And my parents split when I was 2 years old. Hope this helps

[@HeyitsjustRaisa]

So I have 2 therapist I have my therapist who is literally watched me grow-up from 15 to now 26 we talk once a month and he is literally there as an earned secure attachement figure.. Then I have my actual DBT therapist who is in the trenches with me. I would not have sought help for my BPD if it were not for that old therapist building that earned secure attachment w/ me... I had to fully trust his judgment that DBT and CPTSD treatment were what I needed and that he was willing to walk it with me... We literally talk once a month for 1hr before his sessions for the day start and if I am struggling he offers ideas to help so I can be more successful of it I need to just vent my frustrations we celebrate my wins and my losses... with him I have a safe and dependable space to do so.. I have successfully completed 1yr of DBT and I am in my 2nd year currently.. I have some really hard days but I am WAY better than I was when my DBT therapist found me OD'd and thought I was literally dead. .

[@srmm592]

I tend to have an avoidant attachment style, and I speculate that I have BPD. I find it difficult to lean on anyone for care or support, so I don't know if I could have selective attachments.

[@smartchick5637]

I'm curious as to whether there are special considerations for patients who suffer from BPD (untreated for entire life) and the onset of dementia. Are there overlaps? I imagine there would be some complicating factors that would make a Dx of dementia harder or confusing if the patient is ALSO exhibiting the signs of BPD (emotional instability, raging, crazy accusations, etc.). Lastly - any recommend resources for this kind of scenario? Thanks in advance!

[@jacquelinefirkins994]

God these feeds are so helpful 🔥 I love my CPN just don't want him to leave me 🤣 ever! It scares me too death 🤘

[@DrDanielFox]

Abandonment fears is something that is very common. You may want to explore that with a mental health provider. I wish you all the best.

[@purplepride94]

I’m a female only child in my 20s. Not sure if I have this but: When I was a child my earliest memory is that I favored my dad more than my mom. Then later when I was maybe 9. I think I got mad at my dad for not letting me go to summer camp in the next year, as I got brochures the year prior. Since then I was uncomfortable hugging my dad, and at the same time, I didn’t feel like my mom understood me or she felt like she was cold to me at times. Then my mom and dad’s marriage was becoming more dysfunctional and it affected me. And though, I wouldn’t want extremely ad things to happen to them. I don’t really care for them as a daughter normally would for their parents. My relationship with my mom got better with my mom as I got older, as my relationship with my dad got worse. But even then, I feel as I view my mom as my landlord or housemate at most. It’s hard to explain. I’m not proud of how things turned out but at the same time I cannot force myself to feel what I can’t feel. From then on …I have a few friends…but I prefer a lot of space/alone time. I don’t usually want to get into a relationship unless I’m really impressed with someone, otherwise I love being single. Plus the dysfunctional family and broken down dirty house I live in makes it hard for me to feel ready to be in a relationship. Maybe I’m also attracted to unavailable men…but what I identify is that I like men who are quite good natured but are already taken for that reason…I perceive that all the best men are taken right away. People consider me a nice person but also strange, maybe even sensitive and stuck up. I don’t know if I will ever feel normal or have a normal life. Aside from working…I feel like I’m barely keeping it together, not sure if I want to be married and have children. But I’m afraid of what is beyond no matter what path I choose.

[@chestertiger]

Thanks for this. I sometimes think that my therapist fancies me, when she plays with her hair

[@freesiasage]

Looking forward to this, really struggling to understand attachment in therapy. My therapist says it's necessary and even though I have been able to show up authentically here and there I find myself balking at the idea of attaching to my therapist. I know the inner child is very willful about getting attachment needs met and even though I've got a great therapist, I'm really afraid of losing control, ie: becoming clingy, wanting to stay in close contact (I lean towards avoidant, but if I let someone in, I feel like they might become an obsession). Also, can this process occur in marriage instead of in therapy? And speaking of marriage.... how on earth is it acceptable/appropriate for me to attach to my male therapist as a married woman (that seems so boundary breaking)? I'm just so angry that this is the process I have to go through. It freaks me out.

[@ChristinQuander]

Sorry you‘re going through this. I was once told it’s better to have a therapist of the same sex to avoid any form of attachment that is not appropriate between a therapist and a client - and I stuck to it. Before, I had a male therapist once, and it went sideways. I wasn’t happy with some of his remarks about our relationship (they were weird and inappropriate IMO) and noticed that he seemed to be increasingly nervous around me with even his hands shaking, so I aborted the therapy after a couple of sessions. Something definitely went wrong there and this - or anything of the kind - has never happened to me with a female therapist. So that would be my advice for maximum safety and success of the therapy. 🍀

[@freesiasage]

@@ChristinQuander thanks so much! My therapist is very professional and I know that people usually attract to someone at the same level of maturity as themselves so it's highly unlikely, though this is not to say there are no risks. I'm struggling to know if I can keep the therapeutic relationship compartmentalized, and correctly catagorized in my mind. So far there is no romantic attraction on my part but I feel cautious as in any other relationship with a male whose not my husband I wouldn't consider it appropriate to connect on this emotional level. Even if there is no blur of romantic boundaries, just the fear of being overcome with clingy feelings freaks me out. If I've already begun the process of self-parenting (which turns into self-regulation if I understand correctly) is it not going backwards to attach to a therapist? Ack! I just don't know...

[@AP-nx6xo]

I am female with a female psychiatrist. Works best for me

[@MrsAppetite]

I only see my psychiatrist in order to get prescribed anxietypills. That is - once - every three months. One of her first remarks to me was "people tend to get it mixed up and think a psycholigist/shrink is the same as a psychiatrist - its not! I prescribe medicin! I took this as" I dont do bs - go somewhere else if you need to talk! However I had to talk ...and explain something. So I did. That got me diagnosed with BPD. However I did not protest of the things she said or said "but I need help I need to talk" ? Noo ... the fear tunnel kicked in! I froze - closed down. To add to my distress my real life doctor read it ...what I had told her ... I was shocked my fear rose by a million . The log book which fx you doctor can see made me "close down". I stayed in order to get the med. She also told me "if you want to see how things will be take a look at last year" - which I took as "you cant be helped". I did not protest ? Reading what I just have written is awful : I stayed with a person who offered no help just in order to get pills. She wrote I needed some support - apparently it was the pills ? How stupid. For years. A person who speaks exactly the way I know....no feelings - no nothing ? From one abuse to another ? She has also said " had I not entered her office no one would ever know" ? Ok... I wear my feelings on my sleeve - but I dont react in extreme situations ? To me this was an extreme situation in its own way - I am - of course - very fearful when speaking to that kind of doctor. Because she writes everything down....so I simply dont talk that much. Thus I walk around "high alert " all the time - but are able to hide it ? And I surely dont mention it ? These pills do me good - and I need them. Thus the psychiatrist I see diagnosed me with BPD ? I believe its wrong. Went home and read about it and surely could not identify as " cut myself or worse cant event say the word . I dont "feel empty " ? Didnt even know what that meant ? Or do I ? I absolutely crave company - and love ? I like and love myself ? But I have not been loving toward myself - and no I am no narcissist - I just have good sound selfawareness. But ok I ticked all the other boxes ....selfdestructive can be the way you treat yourself or let other people treat you. Anger issues, severe mood swings, unstable self....and then this reactive attacment ...also. I believe its complex PTSD due to severe emotional childhood neglect, trauma and psychological abuse. I have also taken this verbal no bs abuse without the blinking of an eye ? To me it is abuse to have a person enter you office .....totally in tears and heartbroken .....and then just say these things (BPD) after two three meetings. . No sound advice no comfort no help - and me sitting there totally incapable of telling her what I need ? At that time I knew nothing about dbt - its not my job to know its her job to tell me about it. A high paid psychiatris? THAT was the help I needed - therapy. Instead i got a pill. Sad. Just watched the video again and all the things he says from childhood and attachment is me ....I could not - would not - and was unable to attach to adults - they also had a hard time explaining to me right and wrong ....ONE adult made a connection to me by kindness ....I have never forgotten her ! - all the others did not. Now :how could I relate - búild attachment if ...I never trusted them if I didnt like them or never knew what is was ... all I could attach to was sex and boyfriends. Next week I am going too see another psychiatrist ( its also a woman ??? Maybe I should have chosen a man ???? ) after watching soo many good Dr. Daniel F videos. I fear what to say or how she will react ? That is I fear not getting these pills ?? Maybe all she sees is a perfectly ....woman ? I will have to explain "something" ? I am easily triggered...I know I am impulsive... but not in dangerous situations - here I remain calm. Which have helped place me in many dangerous situations. ( I will not mention it here - but I have not had such a protected and well behaved life as this Psychiatrist ....I've had a way more tough life - so I am totally different wired from such a protected woman. But I am as bright as she is or maybe more. But not bright enough to protest?? So : there are many many things I will not say ! Things I feel such a woman would never understand ....I cant tell her or maybe I can find a way to say it in a way that I say it - but not directly - things i dont like .This is a very shamebased and fearful condition. Years have gone by .....and from all these videos I have learned a lot. But its pretty damn sad you have to get the help you needed from a video. I am grateful for all your videos and sensible explanations / advice ! Very ! I never understood why I never recieved any therapy or none of the human connection talks dr Daniel Fox do so well. I have watched numorous of your videos in order to understand and in order to help myself. As you can see it only takes one wrong word one false move - then I shut down? Precisely as you say in the beginning of the video ...had to watch it again .

[@DrDanielFox]

This is why I think that there is great value in therapy, which includes talking outer issues and building insight so that we can identify adaptive strategies to manage how we feel and shut down much less. I think we shut down we block ourselves off to opportunities to do things differently. I wish you all the best.

[@MrsAppetite]

Thank you and yes - its key! I will explain my problem via your words. As your answer explains my problems : I need to learn those coping mechanism. I wish I had you. Tina

[@tdesq.2463]

Most compelling narrative. Sounds like You are headstrong & determined to get what You need. That in itself is hugely positive sign. Best to You!

[@JPinthe719]

My usual pattern, I push people away before they can leave me. Including my wife after 22 years. My insurance ran out and my therapist sent me on my way again - but, with some tools. Trying to take life day by day. Strengthening my personal relationship with God (He is the only one I trust), recognizing triggers and working on self-awareness for the 1st time in my life. I had it all and I lost it all. I still see things as very black or very white. I recognize my depression and have ignored all texts from friends for a week now. I have no desire to talk to them and I have to climb out on my own.

[@luba312000]

I am bilingual. I am challenged to find a therapist for treatment of my BPD. I need an advice if it would be better if my therapist speaks on my primary language?

[@user-gy7bg1rv6o]

Dr. Fox, since you've been treating people with BPD for a long time, have you ever seen a client successfully develope a secure attachment to a therapist?

[@DrDanielFox]

Absolutely.

[@marionoschelmuller1718]

I don´t know if that´s what you´re describing but as a child I didn´t used to feel attached at all. It seemed "normal" to me though. I thought that´s just the way it was. Then I suddenly started to attaching to a teacher whom I could sense could see me. I realized I was stuck in a bubble of glass locked out of all relationships and I interpreted at that time as "there are no other humans other than very view I only know one of". And then I got into therapy and therapy didn´t seem to work at all. I mean it did, a bit, but I craved that attachment I had to my teacher. I changed therapists but nothing changed, it was even worse. Then I went back to the first therapist and I finally managed to get him doing 2 sessions a week with me. Then, finally, I started attaching to him. Then we could work. But if it is online or I don´t get some amount of touch like a hug or holding hands or anything then I start detaching within like one and a half weeks. Not to say that covid restrictions have been a mayhem. Plus I am unable to attach again, although it might be easier to melt again.

[@DrDanielFox]

Sounds like you’ve developed good insight.

[@marionoschelmuller1718]

@@DrDanielFox Thanks

[@marciawright2600]

I rarely hear therapists talk about Adoption as the source of Complex PTSD. My daughter says this is the root of her trauma which leads to BPD and attachment disorders. She was 1 day old when we adopted her and really had a wonderfully supportive family with lots of resources etc..and yet still the trauma of adoption, she says, ruined her life. Thoughts?

[@childoflight3388]

I believe that even though your daughter was too young to recall her adoption she has an abandonment wound. This is also something that is spiritually inherited from her bio parents side just as physical genetics are passed down. I am a Christian and we would call this a generational trauma.

[@marciawright2600]

@@childoflight3388 Yes, I think you are right. There was a line of mental illness on her birth mother's side. Thank you. It is so hard not to blame myself but I do know that there were circumstances beyond my control. She is in therapy and so I am hoping that some of the adoption trauma and generation trauma can be addressed/healed. 🙏

[@justinaspocevicius6870]

I would blame genetics. We always try make sense of everything, and it is very logical conclusion to blame abandonment NOW, even if related stress was long time ago "rewired" in the growing adolescent brain.

[@BetteBlaze13]

My daughter was adopted, and as her bio mom, this is my worst fear for her. I wouldn't wish this disorder on anyone.

[@marciawright2600]

@@BetteBlaze13 My son is adopted and he did not experience this. I think it is a low percentage of adopted kids who go down this path. Your birth daughter is probably fine. My daughter is a Highly Sensitive Person and that has contributed to the picture. My son loves that he was adopted and feels nothing but appreciation and love for his birth parents. It is likely your birth daughter feels the same way!!

[@taz3468]

I keep missing group therapy sessios ive been there for 2.5 yrs attached to 1 staff member i want to run away from it before i get attached to the entire group. Like i cant i have enough attachment issues with teachers from more than 10 yrs ago and idk how to cope. Im going to go tomorrow and whether i leave or stay i dont know. Attachments make me want a brain transplant i cant cope. Ive been a messed up child in my head as a baby and still at 22 i am

[@breahgardiner3702]

I like my therapists & then suddenly I'll start thinking they don't see me for who I am & feel rejected. I'll try to talk to them about it, but it doesn't help at all. Then I start getting panic attacks before sessions until I stop going.

[@mandylouadkins]

WhTs the difference in rad and anxious attachment

[@sitprettybaby8188]

I have RAD and live my therapist. But Indo not feel obsessive feelings for my therapist, that's just weird to think about.

[@mamasram]

I am in the push pull and I am doing the blocking my recent son's death is making me avoid them

[@michaelcupps9064]

My favorite therapist could no longer be in my network due to contract disagreements. I couldnt afford him, so now I have another therapist.. I'm experiencing this push pull right now and couldnt figure out why. Still cant. I feel like Im really losing it anymore.. idk what to do...

[@gbernardwandel4174]

I understand that Reactive Attachment Disorder carries with it the acronym RAD I am confused however It sounds like for the first two mentions you are saying “reactive” then it sounds like you are saying “radical attachment disorder” Am I hearing this wrong ? Are they synonymous? Are they different things? Are you making a verbal conflation/gaffe? I believe you are pointing to some critical issues that have relevance in my life but this point of homonyms is confusing for me at best(and edging into irritability with a strong sense of disbelief of my self moving towards the worst given you are an expert) 🙏🏽

[@gbernardwandel4174]

Addenda: after the second “radical” you return to “reactive” and remain consistent until the end but I’m still perplexed

[@daveatkin7557]

When left untreated, you may end up all alone, with no hope at all. There are no attachments to worry about though!

[@prestongarvey2285]

I honeslty think i have bpd or something like that but im to embarrassed to get help

[@teacupnoir]

Describing me as a person.

[@Kathrynlove]

I definitely have reactive attachment disorder. Now what? Who can help me?

[@northsouthroad6760]

DSED?

[@brightpage1020]

How to best support my 5 and under kids so they don’t fall into this trap?

[@t1moy1]

I have such a crush on Dr Fox 🦊😘

[@Chris-dw7gq]

I don't get my ex showing up at my house after 2.5 years at 10 pm to tell me what events I can't attend. He took my social email lists. It's weird. I have no idea what sets him off. He was neglected...

[@DrDanielFox]

I think exploring boundaries, and what’s appropriate, and influence of others, whether they are current partners, or ex partners. I wish you all the best.

[@mamasram]

They really don't care about me it's just their job so I push away and they are to afraid to show their humanness and they do not get that it's important I always struggle with feeling like why don't I matter I get devastated when people just act as if

[@christinewolfram1786]

I know i put a lot of responsibility on my therapist, trying to make her fix my life because i feel like i pay her so much, she should. i pick up on things that make me question her qualification, for example not being really educated in feminist issues and gender questions. Then i feel again like she is the only one able to help me. It is a constant push-pull.

[@thecontagiouscajun4795]

I avoid everyone now. Been isolating for 4 years. I’d like to move far away deep into the forest. Never to be seen again.

[@maryshell]

I wonder how it works with those who are BPD and autistic. You mention that you can’t really talk about attachment disorder in autistic people.

[@ClulssCrs3310]

So RAD is only for children not adults.

[@DrDanielFox]

Overtime. It can certainly remain and manifest in a lot of different ways. I think we see reactive attachment disorder in adults as well.

[@thesoliloquist1940]

who else has qbpd?

[@Shortkonner]

They can't help you if you don't tell them the truth. No matter how ugly. I don't pay to not be helped.

[@DrDanielFox]

I think you’re absolutely right and I think that being open and honest is critical. I wish you all the best

[@Devi_Seona]

It’s me or your eyes are particularly big? 👁 👁 Ps: thank you for your videos, usually, even some therapists, diabolize BDP, that’s why I never told anyone IRL I have it.

[@theanonymoushelpline7248]

How irises look really large and beautiful

[@NewEnglandBird]

I feel so seen. wtf

[@kimberlyhoffman1828]

I had no one my mom didn't care

[@evakatz6351]

💕

[@LoveLeigh313]

Can’t be too honest or they’ll send you to the looney bin where you’re treated subhuman

[@DrDanielFox]

Sorry you feel that way. I hope you can find a safe person to be honest with.

[@LoveLeigh313]

@@DrDanielFox I don’t. Luckily, I’m old and have been dealing with this long enough to be very self aware and suffer in silence.

[@tormentadelluvia8223]

I'm 28, I'm low income/basically no income at least generated on my part, and I wouldn't survive if she b5 ccc.nyuqqqì it wasn't for my amazing partner(who prefers I refer to him as boyfriend lol)

[@tormentadelluvia8223]

And I've been on my own basically sibce 13 and and I've been on and off medication in and out of therapy many times since I was maybe 10 years old as well as being in multiple intensive inpatient centers for troubled youth. I've multiple diagnosis what's the most recent that fits me like a glove has been BPD. I live in the Los Angeles California area and was wondering if you might have any leads on how I might go about finding a therapist who knows my disorders and can actually help me and will commit to me so I can commit to them I need help and I want help and I'm seeking help but having so many experiences with people that don't know what they're doing with me has exhausted me entirely to the point of exhibiting but battling gnarly borderline agoraphobia in a wicked case o a true burnout from both ends should I speak LOL

[@DrDanielFox]

I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing. Take care