BPD and Toxic Relationships: What You Need to Know

[@ToxidyXxNezi]

Omg… I just realized that you wrote those two workbooks behind you. I’ve been watching you for the past year here and there and ordered those books not knowing it was you. Thank you for everything 😂

[@MovieReviewJustin]

We love your books, Dr. Fox! You and the other good people out there are saving the world.

[@Portia620]

Wait a minute I think I bought one of his books!! I was curious how you fix narcissism when I’ve been trying to help my ex for years! Not knowing exactly what I was trying to help I just knew I was being treated poorly we seen 4 different therapist through our 25 years of being together I guess it was and he had multiple affairs, pathological liar (can’t fix that!, and hide money, gaslighting and multiple I’m the good guy and she is crazy becsuse I have ptsd..

[@BodyLanguageAnalysisInterrogat]

Min 2:00 My favorite quote, 'Toxic: Any relationship that makes you feel worse or rather than better."

[@jessicasteele8462]

Your bpd workbook literally saved my life Dr Fox, the NHS here in england were fobbing me off with a managing stress booklet for a year. I hope you see this and I thank you with all my heart for the information you have provided online, saving lives around the world you are. Thank you Dr Fox.

[@katieg7679]

And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself? -Rumi Changing the relationship you have with yourself is the most important part of healing from this disorder. If you're like me, and you don't even feel like you have a self, it's not too late to start developing one. Not everyone grows up with an avenue to create a healthy sense of self. Maybe we have been in survival mode all our lives , did not have the support we needed, or had to align with the thoughts and feelings of our abusers. We assume the world treats us the way we deserve, especially when we are children, but it's not really the truth. You deserve love, respect and support and always have. Don't look for other people to tell you what you deserve, understand very deeply that you have the reigns now on how you see yourself and how you will allow yourself to be treated.

[@ileanahope466]

So true ....I am working on this!

[@Peanuts76]

That first Line Katie, i just crying, it's like im losing myself and idk who iam anymore, it might be because abuse and neglect, and trauma im developing several personalities, all i know rn im just depressed and lonely.... Thank you Katie....

[@katieg7679]

​@@Peanuts76 I hear you, I know it's hard. When you grow up that way, it's difficult to trust your own feelings, thoughts and sense of worth, so it makes sense that you're not sure who you are. It makes sense that you feel like you are developing several personalities because the one that was there from the start was neglected and abused. You have every reason to feel the way you do. When you feel these things, that's the child in you trying to get your attention. It still wants and needs the love and care that was missing. The trick is, and it's going to feel weird, to start giving yourself the things you didn't get. Treat yourself like you are your own mother, how you imagine a good mom would treat you. This is how you build a healthy relationship with yourself, and it will take some getting used to, but you will start to gain more confidence and comfort in yourself, I promise. The person you are is already there, you just have to work at reaching out to it and giving it the love, care and attention it always needed. I hope this helps a little. If anything, know that you are not alone in this, although it feels that way.

[@Peanuts76]

@@katieg7679 you were right, somehow many people still repeating the patterns, i mean, some of people complained why they always had a Narcissist and cheating partners, and then the other, having hard time to break from their toxic boyfriends and girlfriends, it was all rooted fron how our caregiver treated us, i know this logically., But having hard time to change the pattern myself .... I've done that before, in times of high stress and got triggered, i do soothing my ownself through self talking, sounds weird and crazy, but i did that....

[@katieg7679]

​@@Peanuts76 That's good! I know, there's a big difference between understanding how these things work versus actually having the self-compassion to incorporate them. There is also a big grieving process that I think is hard to face, but is necessary to go through at some point, when you are ready. Sometimes sitting with your pain and letting yourself feel it is best.

[@bonitatorres5543]

Whoa, what? I'm just learning about this at 65? OMG! I'm in a toxic relationship with a narcissist and after hearing this, I cannot go on another day with him! I got this FREE therapy after 65 years? I will be exploring a relationship with MYSELF starting today! Thank you Dr. Fox, you rock!

[@brightpage1020]

Holy smoke! “You can have a toxic relationship with yourself.” Whoahaohw. Mind blown.

[@anaviana2641]

I have a major problem in that I cannot ask for help because I dont trust them (especially a partner) with my needs. They will always use it against me and end up trying to destroy me. As a result, fixing a relationship is such a foreign thing to me, Ive tried it but it was so disasterous coz I was the only one trying to work at it to no avail. If I cant have that difficult conversation, I can't be in a relationship. I know my limits and wont waste my time with a narcasist. Id rather spend time healing me, growing me, respecting me. It may sound lonely but being alone provides peace, quiet and harmony in my life. Its better to be happy and alone than unhappy with a toxic someone you share your life with. Thank you Dr. Fox for your videos and their content. They give me hope and yes I am doing therapy, its important to me coz life is important and valuable.

[@Desmondbrown73]

I am a man with BPD, I’m 49 years old and have been with my wife, a covert narcissistic for 30 years. Married for 20, Due to the stress of Covid, I bought Dr. Fox’s book online and realized that I fit the criteria. My toxic relationship is only realized by myself, which as you know can be notoriously unreliable. It’s getting better but it’s getting worse.

[@Fire-Toolz]

i understand completely what you mean by it getting better and worse at the same time.

[@Desmondbrown73]

@@Fire-Toolz It’s like being knocked off a turntable that you’ve been on with somebody.

[@TheDavveponken]

@@Desmondbrown73 It sounds like that fear of the unknown. Remember change doesn't always have to be bad, or upending. I had an ex-girlfriend (sadly I believe the love of my life - but life goes on) whom I highly suspect was a covert narcissist. I hope you are able to talk about it all without it getting too upsetting for you both. Best of luck. And thanks for sharing.

[@jovialnobody]

There's power in knowledge! Now you know, so it's up to you what to do with this info

[@25daysAmonth]

Hope you’re doing well ❤

[@savagebpdangel4100]

This video helped me to realize just how hard I am on myself and how the ways I react to his toxic ways with some toxic responses because it's become a trigger, that doesn't excuse it and I always apologize.. I hope that he is actually willing to fight for us, and after a day or two I'll bring it up, I'm emotionally exhausted and drained, I give and give and give just to get less than half back.. thank you for all that you do, and helping us become more self aware, especially because the truth hurts and is much needed..

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m glad it was helpful. Be well.

[@bisousmeable]

Hi Dr. Fox - You are awesome - My son has BPD and I listen to many of your videos to understand BPD and find ways to help my son so we can maintain a healthy relationship as he works on himself with therapy and try to keep myself informed to stay in tuned to what my son could be experiencing. I commend you for being so caring toward your audience and it's amazing how clear you are in explaining the different topics. Thank you for being there for all that need you :) Take care!

[@laurenb6467]

Thank you for trying to understand! I have BPD and my mom just says "You can't use BPD as an excuse for being emotional" lol... so... my folks really don't get it haha. Proud of you for trying to understand something so difficult, even for the people with BPD to understand. :)

[@user-mx3hj5ci4y]

Thank you so much. Just broke up with an entilted cheater. This written list will help me keep out and not cave when he tries to hoover. Concentrating on the "me column" from now on ! For everyone reading this, keep strong !

[@ApfelMuse]

I love your Videos, you are such a kind and smart psychologist. Ty you for not saying we are all evil and dangerous or liars.

[@Kurzykowsko]

Thank you so much for making so much educational and empathetic content on BPD - it's guaranteed to help many folks who may not be able to afford therapy, but have free access to the internet and be able to afford your books. Truly grateful.

[@oceanhayes1649]

There is a broken person who lives inside of every borderline. Mine is very resentful. She's either taking me hostage or wanting to harm those that she believes has harmed her. It's draining, constantly being at her mercy. I tell myself I love myself in the mirror...and she comes and says we both know that is not true. I don't know if it's my inner critic or my inner child or the dysfunctional core content....but it is very hard to get by with a beast like that living inside of you.

[@shanebanx9631]

My ex identified with Gollum/Smeagle and I didn't get it in the beginning but after learning what I have about BPD it completely makes sense.

[@jenniffermoran1473]

Unbelievable timing !!! Finally a Doctor who totally understands and believes what I believe. you gotta get to the core ~ to what the real issue is and understand it learn from it and bring the knowledge you've gained from it, on your road of making smarter and more responsible choices . Disect everything to find out why.

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m so glad you found the video helpful

[@AyMTor]

This is such an important video when it comes to dealing with BPD. Thank you!!!

[@virtuwill861]

The problem is THEY get tired too and if you express exhaustion or frustration, it seems their favorite tactic is to suggest that maybe you’re the one with a mental health issue. I don’t know. I’ve been trying to salvage a relationship with a girl who has BPD and it has been the most crippling, taxing and emotionally turbulent experience of my adult life. She keeps asking me what I want. At first my answer to that question was “I would like us to be happy together.” But now my answer has changed to “Nothing.” I don’t want anything from her. I just want her to get better. I’ve all but given up on her. My love for her motivates me to stick with it and hope for a positive outcome. But I am ashamed of the human race for minimizing and discounting the significance of BPD and other behavioral/psychiatric disorders. It is a realm of evil for those of us from the sane side of things.

[@charmee4045]

If you are on the sane side you wouldn't be there. First of all this isn't "love". It could be desire or lust, but not love. What are you in love with? Whatever it is you want, she can't deliver, so run like your hair is on fire. You will be years getting over it if you leave right now believe me. There is no cure for this so you are spinning your wheels.

[@moniquepagano3555]

Ummm do you not listen ? This dr has said you CAN get better…

[@LifeofBga]

Are you still together?

[@keroberos2781]

@@moniquepagano3555She has to be in therapy, medication and fully committed to working on her -severe- personality disorder. If she’s not she’s not pulling her weight and the relationship is impossible

[@shellydietel1705]

She wants loyalty. She feels every emotion stronger than usual. Just be kind and thoughtful about the the things you do and say. If you say something mean while arguing and then say you didn’t mean it , it’s going to put a crack in your relationship and eventually she discard you because it’s too much hurt and sadness to feel. Also take a look at yourself. Most BPD ppl are in relationships with ppl with other disorders but some of us are more self aware .

[@LoisPasinella]

Thank you Dr. Fox for your videos. They have been so valuable and helping me to understand these issues. I agree, honestly journaling, being honest about yourself and how you relate to others, and seeing others as they are, are helpful in finding healing. Learning all you can about personality disorders also helps. And the other thing is prayer. God is listening! Thank you again!

[@ninassauruss]

I am so thankfull that I found your Videos here on youtube! I struggled my whole life and couldn't put my finger on where all this struggle came from. Out of all the people here on KZbin that talk about these topics I value you the most. Thank you very much for what you are doing.

[@melissanorthcutt7242]

I follow you to help me with my BPD loved one, but these steps are powerful for me too. Much appreciation to you!

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m so glad you found it helpful and I wish you all the best.

[@Daniellegarrow]

thank you, Dr. Fox. i have been talking about your books and videos locally and have enjoyed them. I find myself going over and over your books and worksheets and adding them to my therapy advantage. it does take me a bit to get through your videos so much in each in one sitting, I enjoy growing in my self-understanding. I am in a small town in northern NYS nothing much so this is wonderful.

[@evangelinekiser179]

I’m struggling today. I just started with a new therapist who has diagnosed me with trauma induced BPD, and have been feeling hopeful for more healing, but to be honest this whole Depp/ Heard thing, and her now publicly being diagnosed with BPD makes me feel like there will be even more stigma. I have much self awareness, empathy, recognize my weaknesses and behaviors and am willing to heal and change etc. but something like this comes along (I’m not even a big celebrity follower but it’s everywhere rn) and it’s very triggering and discouraging and makes me feel less self love. I realize I’m rambling but looking for something today to take my mind off of the current social hysteria , and this video is helpful.

[@tulinbeyduz920]

yeah she’s sociopathic and you are not hon . self aware bpd is very different

[@marvinkmooney]

I don't think it's helpful to label or invest in the current zeitgeist. Surely, we are all on the spectrum of human existence (disordered at a moment or not) and it can be a bit hard to fathom when we are trying to label our current temporary experience, as something to be solidified and responded to. We're all evolving beings and because we as a society are able to take snap shots and sort of try to evaluate what is happening within ourselves, based on these transient experiences may be causing us pain, identity issues etc. Perhaps the lack of understanding of the impermanence of our existing could be triggering some of the chaos and attachment outcomes. Understanding and forgiveness requires transience. Upanishads from 3000 years ago speaks a lot to this. Life is a process of discovery. As Dr Fox says, it's a dynamic experience meaning that change is inevitable and that the integration of such change could mean the very nature of it's outcome.

[@remainedanonymous8251]

There will always be stigma out there for us and you can't really stop it. However, there are people out there that accept you have an illness and will be understanding. Communication and boundaries are very important tools as well as being aware of your triggers. Even though some people can still have a hard time understanding you can't blame them. Just remember to be honest about your struggles with people and hope for the best

[@remainedanonymous8251]

I also would like to add she has a comorbid condition of histrionic personality disorder to which is overly glorified in media as well. She has a weird case of 2 different disorders that causes strange behavior. If people bring it up just say that she also has that with BPD.

[@EllaCinder-lh4ro]

My first response would be to evaluate your new therapist ‘ s education, training, clinical experience and specialization and the employment setting in which you have crossed paths. Then I would very carefully consider the specific details leading up to her conclusion, and how her diagnosis is tied directly and operationally to what strategies and treatment she is outlining she will provide to alleviate, ameliorate, and otherwise improve or remove the specific factors behaviors cognitions and life experiences that supported her sharing this assessment with you. Feel free to list questions or points you want her to address or revisit with you in order to feel like you have a through understanding of her evaluation and the treatment plan she is espousing as a result.. Then spend some time thinking about what you have learned, separate any emotional response ( but list them for yourself ! ) from the actual external observations she has provided so that you can more objectively determine if her assessment, and interpretation of the issue and her treatment strategies are ones you can accept as valid, useful and potentially valuable in your quest to have more effectiveness and satisfaction in life

[@MrsAppetite]

Well just woke up literally - and in the way you speak of here. Its an excellent video and it nails it! I am in a internal toxic relatiinshio with : Me. I have a toxic family in my head? I am my own worst enemy. My communication with myself are tearing me apart - wearing me out. That is why I wake up so early sad and cooonstantly thinking the exact way you describe in this video. Its totally exhausting. The problem is if I walk I am alone. I fight against this every day? I know I need to stop this cause it is dangerous for me... to be in that state of mind all the time: high alert! I do a lot of good things I am a good person now why cant I say this to myself? Why do I keep going into this loop of shaming and blaiming.. myself? When I am active and do good things for myself I feel good. For me learning to say " No" and "Yes" and how to protect myself have become key issue There is just one thing : How can you tell the difference between a person who suffer like you describe - but based on past trauma, painful decisions etc. = logic explanations and a person with BPD?

[@noverimme-noverimte]

I just want to say thank ..I always had a sense of disconnection from myself .That “ Intra- relationship” as you say…intuitive I could sense it but couldn’t put on paper. This exercise help so much. I can finally see it. I am forever grateful for your help.

[@SM16]

You are so beautiful, I needed you at age 11. Thank You for all the work you have done to help people. Each video helps me get Thee back I knew before drunks and narcissists. I am very greatful. 💞

[@silvermoon1051]

thank you dr fox, i watch your videos when i’m having a mental spiral and it really helps in grounding me ❤

[@jameslutz3835]

Thank you for this. The exercise helped me realize that my relationship with myself is the issue, not everyone else

[@suekelsey1329]

Thank you. I am my most constant critic. Must needs to work on this more. Thank you for some more tools in my toolbox of life! My over the topness may improve even more. Reinforcements are welcome in my softening process. Life throws many curves, it is what you do with those curves that makes life interesting. Thank you again! More: all is on my side but two items Working on this Your comments are helping me make change in my life which also helps my family and friends! Thank you again!

[@patrickhawkins5566]

Hello Sue, how are you hope you’re having a beautiful weekend

[@joshcook7180]

This is so so so helpful and useful! The relationship we have with ourselves is so vitally important! When I realized I was splitting MYSELF and was regularly verbally abusive to myself I was able to start making huge changes in my self talk and in shrinking the internal critic (which started in CPTSD treatment, not knowing I was BPD). The more time I spend really focusing on talking to myself as I would a close friend or someone struggling with similar issues the easier it becomes for me to have that be a default. It also has made it easier for me to find a core identity that doesn't become so easily shaken by new relationship energy. It builds resilience in me. It makes it easier to set external boundaries because I practice boundaries with myself all the time. I love this topic and this approach!

[@DrDanielFox]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you found this video helpful and useful. It's true, the relationship we have with ourselves is indeed vital. Keep working on your self-talk and continue being kind to yourself. You're on the right path!

[@radicalhonesty3628]

so many feelings arise in me as I watch this video, mainly stress and rage.

[@snsranchcoltstarter]

This is so important for the ones we love that make it hard other selfs and myself, im glad that we found your page thank u

[@Portia620]

Could you please put out a video to differentiate between BPD and Complex PTSD? Mini times clinicians can mix the two up from my understanding that it’s hard to weed out one from the other but there is definitely a difference. Many victims of narcissistic abuse are diagnosed with complex PTSD which is not even reconfirmed by the DSM but I have read that long term imprisonment or Years of severe abuse can lead to a complex PTSD which manifest in a different way than PTSD. I know the DSM has not recognized this as of yet but we do see a complete difference especially in the brain. Thanks

[@drebugsita]

Yes, please! I was diagnosed with CPTSD. One therapist who I saw for around 6 months said I had BPD but I don't meet most of the criteria, even the therapist she referred me to and all the others I saw since stated without a doubt that I don't have BPD. Nonetheless this experience was deeply troubling, and that therapist was beyond irresponsible but I digress. As someone with a narc mother I know I have suffered from being trapped in a highly abusive relationship, and the ones I chose later. I would really appreciate understanding the similarities and differences with BPD. TW: What is most clear for me in my case is that I have not self-harmed or experienced ideation.

[@yurielcundangan9090]

The Media never felt the amount of pain that they deserve for what they've done into our Society

[@lindaburlison2341]

This is a brilliant list and helped me put into words and facts all the stuff I’ve been feeling and being crazy about in my relationship. It all felt amorphous and I thought maybe it was all in my head. I’m so much clearer now. So brilliant and valuable. You are amazing Dr fox.

[@laurabeigh283]

Dr. Fox, I love your compassion. As an MSW, I want to mirror that. ❤

[@malloriesmith8127]

It’s you!!! I have the blue book, got it a couple months ago and slowly working my way through it. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! You have no idea how much you’re helping me!

[@DrDanielFox]

I am so glad and it means a lot to me that my material is helpful for you. I wish you all the best.

[@kiranightlee7291]

Best advice on BPD on the whole Internet. Thank-you so much Dr. Fox. Always love your content and feel its helped me understand my BPD partner so much more.

[@DrDanielFox]

Wow, thank you!

[@ToniEmerson]

I watched your video directly after a very upsetting conversation with family member. You have helped me considerably. Thank you!❤

[@DrDanielFox]

I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.

[@Oregontrailblazin]

Thank YOU Dr.Fox And the Workbook > You have helped me more than a therapist even has attempted. It is Like your talking to me and Looking at me .. And Again Thank you !xoxoxox

[@patrickhawkins5566]

What’s up Becky

[@MoniqueLouicellier]

Hello from France Dr Fox ! And many thanks for your expertise and kind will to help through free videos and books those who struggle with BPD. Although I am French, I understand you perfectly because your diction is perfect as well. I gained hope through your videos ! Knowledge is empowerment as you say and allows to begin to understand oneself better and be closer to oneself and experience the great feeling of compassion to oneself. I am beginning by law number 1: sleep and will work on your videos as much as possible and try to get books about dialectical therapy. I should maybe translate your videos, with refering to you as the author of the original ones, because a lot of people, therapists and psychiatrists here can't understand english? Take care and be blessed!

[@DrDanielFox]

Thank you for your comment and I appreciate the support.

[@MoniqueLouicellier]

Whaoo, this is a long-distance immediate unexpected reply, some kind of like: Hello Youston, can you hear me? (Some tune settings... GrbZzz... And then..) Yes!!!!

[@1957es]

@@MoniqueLouicellier 👍🙏How adorable. Good luck.

[@illurvenistasartir]

Thank you so much for being you, Dr Fox ! ♡ Your videos have been great a support and addition to my self-therapy and regular therapy ever since I discovered your channel. It gave me and my thoughts some much needed structure and professional conclusions, compared to how I used to ruminate all these subjects and always come to the worst conclusions, based on the mood I was in.

[@benjaminsonksen4451]

Your videos are always so well done. Packed full of useful and authentic information presented in a captivating and positive manner that's brief and to the point. Thank you.

[@hannarino23]

I feel so seen and heard whenever you post a video. Thankyou for doing the work you do to understand us. You're helping so many people ❤️

[@amc3736]

Such a good topic! This video has inspired me to critically re-examine significant relationships and especially the one with myself. Thank you so much! Please keep doing what you do! Immensely helpful.

[@TKO-qj5zx]

I just gave up on relationships. There is no chance it’s not ending in total disaster.

[@suzannemaroney4579]

I’m loving how you are giving assignments…..

[@DrDanielFox]

Thanks 😊

[@Helen-cc8wl]

So grateful for your insights Dr Fox. Your clear, compassionate, communication is so enabling. Thank you

[@DrDanielFox]

Thank you very much and that means a lot to hear that. I wish you well.

[@tawnyataylor9607]

I really appreciate your videos, you always seem to know what I'm going through about the time I'm going through it. Thank you for your help.

[@bubbelpop2274]

I'd really enjoy if you did an episode with dr ramani on how people with bpd are vulnerable to narcissists and easily codependent

[@DrDanielFox]

I’d be up for it.

[@bubbelpop2274]

@@DrDanielFox :O YO NO WAY

[@peachberryblue295]

message received now, working on it and just wanted to say thanks, you know, cz this level of compassion and genuine care in the interest of a human struggling is just not that common at the moment 💜💜💜💜💜

[@Tarotwitchshally111]

In college I idealised this group of friends...... It was impossible for me to hang out with other people, or give time to my family.. as inside my head others were not important at all.. with my family I felt secured therefore hardly gave them any time.... My social life was all about this group of individuals who were controlling my mood..! It was really hard for me to treat people equally... While all the other course mates of mine were balanced, somehow..... They were secure....!! They used to hang out mostly with their friend circle, but we're secure enough to give value to others too, even to their hobbies..... I found it really challenging to divert my mind and focus on my career....

[@sineadfb3129]

Youve given me the words for the feelings ive felt for years, repeating patterns, very helpful! Thank you :D

[@thelittleetherealghost]

Thank you so, so incredibly much. I really needed this video right when you released it. Thank you so much

[@TheDavveponken]

This was wonderfully and concisely put. Thank you. This feels like one of those videos very well suited to show those you're in a problematic relationship with. Sadly I've found you need a locus of external authority in order to be taken seriously (as if otherwise you'd just be making an arbitrary subjective personal attack on them). But this was very clear and non-judgmental so I think it would work well in taking down that wall surrounding the partner/parent/friend.

[@Nuverselive]

Thank u Dr. Fox for creating more content. For those who are in relationships with ppl who have bpd, we want to be supportive without enabling. I also notice the negative stigmas attached to bpd which possibly causes ppl to suppress the reality of this personality type. Most ppl say its best to breakup but I disagree because I've learned so much from these episodes about myself. So maybe u can cover this in a video! Any tips for those who want to stay together and heal would be very helpful! What are some approaches to explaining to our children what's happening. It seems most ppl think kids don't know what's going on but may kids are more empathic allowing them to pick up on energy easily. In my childhood these episodes were a mystery which made me feel I was the problem. This creates a very unsafe environment! Lying to them , or gas lighting them by saying everything is fine as if they aren't seeing and hearing what's happening. Should this be done in front of the bpd spouse or maybe just with the kids first ?

[@GangTeet]

Go to therapy for yourself.i was in a long term relationship with someone with bpd therapy made me realize that relationship made me codependent. Its best to leave it doesn't get better

[@NMTDelightfulMusic]

What happened are you still with BPD?

[@isabelapersil]

I feel that I can write all of this 10 common things in both columns. At least sometimes. When I'm not triggered I can spot all those negative things in me and separate what's true and what's my mind creating. But I still find difficult to spot that "is my partner really doing this?" "Did I misunderstood again?" "Did I made him do something negative, like being rude in response of something that I'm complaining about". I'm always second guessing: is my behavior affecting the other person's atitudes or we are just not compatible? I'm in a current relationship that I often ask this myself, bc all of our fights begins with me demanding stuff or feeling neglected and rejected, and the response often leads to a big fight...

[@Noname-hs5lx]

Thank you Daniel. I appreciate this help. At 43 I’m about to buy your workbooks. I’ve been in therapy 5 years. I also listen to THE CRAPPY childhood fairy 🧚🏿‍♀️ she is also lovey like you. Thank you x

[@DrDanielFox]

You’re welcome ☺️

[@naranjeros1612]

Hi Noname. What made you want to do therapy? Was there someone that helped you ?

[@fatmaehab183]

i really dont know what to do without your vidoe

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m glad they’re helpful for you.

[@heatherpratt1551]

I cannot thank you enough. Seriously.

[@DrDanielFox]

I am glad you found the video helpful.

[@timp2433]

This was an awesome exercise showing the parallel relationship between our intrapersonal and interpersonal relationship! Makes things so clear why i destroyed my marriage

[@_space.pony_]

What the fuck!! How does this guy perfectly and concisely explain all these problems this easily.. I've attempted therapy so many times. It's hard for me to explain or talk about myself

[@Christine-jg3hf]

God! 🥰Heaven Sent! Thank You💞

[@oneamongbillions-r7v]

Wow Dr Fox, this was an incredibly comprehensive video.

[@jenbodhi1133]

I’m going to buy the book on Friday when I get paid, thank you

[@littlebird6759]

Thank you, Dr. Fox you are so awesome and knowledgeable and give very good tools and suggestions

[@LaUwa-ia]

Yes Doctor, Your videos Is helping, I am so much grateful for your help. Even if I am not an english speaker. Thank you for caring and showing accepence even if we are in a bad place

[@DrDanielFox]

You are very welcome

[@LaUwa-ia]

@@DrDanielFox 🥰🥰🥰

[@sitisaadahnurlatifah8005]

This video is really helpful. Thank you Dr. Fox, as always 💜

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m so glad you found it helpful and I wish you all the best

[@chowder_1148]

Hello Siti, I'm Malaysian and just wondering if are you from Malaysia too. It's so cool to know others nearby me appreciate Dr. Fox just as much. I wish you happy healing. Keep safe 😊

[@andreabiro2357]

You help a lot dear dr. Fox! Thanks for your great work!

[@shadowman3592]

I just feel so confused and maybe this is part of the bpd feedback loop I am in as far as the obsession aspect of it, but I cannot tell if the person I am thinking of when doing this exercise is toxic or not. I don't know if it is my bpd saying " this person is no good" or if it is actually true. To offer some context, this person has been upfront about what they can and cannot give to me. It has mostly been very little or low maintenance/low effort exchanges, HOWEVER when I am with this person I feel heard, unjudged, listened to and given compassion. They are clearly limited in reaching out, initiating but sometimes I get this feeling that maybe this person is just being tolerant or obliging me. I have had a explosive episode around them and I was persistent in talking to them about it and apologizing. Now I am trying to build something healthier but once again I am the one initiating, reaching out, they on the other hand do not do this nor do they feel bad about my feelings when i did blow up (I blew up because the relationship could not go beyond what was offered to me). So, I know I clearly have toxic traits however doesn't this person have them as well? Why keep the door open for me? Are they actually being kind or opportunistic aka waiting for a time when I feel weak and give in to some of this person's needs... Are they just tolerating me? But why? What is the point? I have been very confused about this particular relationship and I can't make sense of it seeing as how stoic this person acts. Overall, I feel I am being obsessive and sacrificial whereas it costs nothing for the other person to engage with me (except their time spent with me). This person has mentioned objective facts like "it is your choice" and "I did ask permission, you said yes", etc however me being in my BPD and obsessive states, I cannot make objective decisions sometimes so I am wondering how I can have a conversation with my person revolving this dilemma. I hope this makes sense and would appreciate feedback!

[@reenrae1681]

i could have written this myself.

[@sadie9386]

I'm not afraid no-one will ever love me. I'm afraid someone will love me,just as I am, and I will be stuck being me forever.

[@GuyVinmara]

4:55 I feel like a separate sheet for each person must be drawn up because the relationship might be diff when it is spouse/parent/sibling/coworker. In this way, you'll gain insight who seems to trigger the most toxic buttons in you.

[@willdevenport6980]

I have, I think, tried to be positive and supportive of my partner (undiagnosed, untreated but textbook BPD) but yes, I live aware 24/7 of what could trigger her or just know there will be bad days. Our relationship is toxic, cyclical, and my belief now - years into it - is that any romantic relationship she has is doomed to fail in the same pattern. And her family relationships are detrimental to her children. But repeated suggestions/insistence that she get help are met with occasional agreement and sometimes denial/resistance. Probably at this point my relationship is a battle with her disorder that she won’t fight. To quit will reinforce her fear of abandonment. So how do I find that balance that says I can’t be in a relationship with you and your BPD but I will support your fight? How do you do that if she won’t fight it, and if she feels that raising the issue sometimes is an attack on her?

[@DrDanielFox]

My first question is, is your partner working with you to address these issues or are you trying to manage your partners issues without their own personal investment? Your partner has to be invested in managing their own issues first.

[@mndsketch]

Sadly in my case she assumes that antidepressants make her a better person.

[@sharonaylward1568]

Excellent video thanks its great to know and truly believe after all these years that I'm not the one with the problem. I can finally walk away knowing it's best for me. Thank you

[@nicki0346]

I find myself in situation I am always trying to escape. I don’t trust myself.

[@DrDanielFox]

Explore this and build self trust.

[@foxyroxy64r]

This video helped me realize that I have a toxic relationship with myself which I didn’t know could be. I’ve known that I lack self love, self worth and self confidence so it makes sense that they equal to a toxic relationship with myself. I think it’s contributed to my 5 year relationship becoming toxic in the last couple of years. In your activity from the video, I checked the boxes on all 10 items for myself and for my relationship with my partner. Is it possible to work on both simultaneously? My partner has acknowledged that he too can work on things himself (his attachment style is avoidant and mine is anxious). A previous therapist I was seeing does not believe I have BPD, still a lot of the symptoms personally resonate and regardless, I can benefit from emotion regulation and stress tolerance. Thank you for your videos.

[@shugabahfilawegenoni3996]

I am thankful for your commitment to broadcast hope for people struggling. Looking forward to the books that are arriving soon ordered from Amazon that you had written.

[@whoknowssuchthingsidonthav574]

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand & to be understood What we?!? have here is a failure to communicay

[@DrDanielFox]

True. Be well.

[@dotherightthingny]

Jackpot. Best vid of yours ive seen yet

[@sweetluvgurl]

Pretty much, almost all my relationships turn into that toxic dynamic. And deep down, I know different guys are good, but they just aren’t right for me. It took me a long time to move on from different relationships and to let them go and realize they were taking me down more than anything. Love definitely makes people blind, but it’s like that for many people. We all have our issues and traumas.

[@SeanRhoadesChristopher]

After carefully reading the book of Proverbs, we “All” find out, “The LORD makes us fools, then laughs at us!” I read through Proverbs once a month, and I have become less foolish, and wiser. I will buy your books Dr. Fox, because of the following: “Any who love knowledge want to be told when they are wrong. It is stupid to hate being corrected.” (Proverbs 12:1, GNB)

[@brettmarlene9491]

Wow! I'm lost and I just realized my relationship is lost. I had cancer and fought my way through it, and now I realized I lost my relationship.😢

[@lindyohearn4970]

Thank you, these videos are so helpful!🥰

[@saintultra2737]

I struggle but I am making good progress to protect myself and my girlfriend. We have been argument free for months. We’ve had a rough few years, but we have achieved true honesty (childhood trauma/openness with disorders). I show her equal measure compassion as she does me. When my inner child is trying to drag me off into insanity and anger (from fear of being rejected), I always remember the empathy that I have been shown. It remains a constant in my life, to remember that I love her and that what I’m feeling will pass. My girlfriend might also meet the criteria for bpd, but I can’t control her life and neither can I. But remember, we can be respectful of one and their own journey. I am not perfect, but I am working to reprogram my view of the world. I truly believe that one day I can achieve my dream of not meeting the criteria. But it takes work and restraint, and believe in myself. I want to make a safe “world” (relationship/life) for the both of us. For those of you reading, you do NOT have to be a prisoner of your mind. Good people like Dr. Fox want to help us. It’s up to us to find the strength to reach out to them and find help. These videos and external help have been significant in understanding who I am, and working to form a healthy psychological frame within myself.

[@Fire-Toolz]

i am sobbing at this comment. thank you for giving me hope.

[@abbynormal7525]

I just want it to stop. The fighting with myself. I’m done

[@ileanahope466]

Thank you for all the videos I’m doing better now because of them !🌈❤️😊😊

[@patrickhawkins5566]

Hello lleana, how are you doing

[@danmalone5365]

How you find emotional balance, get away from everyone who causes you to have emotional dysregulation. Double empathy communication differences that cause communication breakdown between Neurotypical and neurodivergent simply have two different ways of communicating. But it is in the Neurotypical world that labels neurodivergent people's having the deficiency the inability to effectively communicate effectively. The basis of the theory double empathy the mismatch between two people can lead to faulty communications. This disconnect can occur and many levels depending on the individual's experiences or survival styles adapted in order to survive the environment growing up. A Neurotypical person may be able to navigate reasonably well in a variety of unsatisfactory environments just because they have mastered the communication tools that are required and accredited in the Neurotypical educational system to survive in a demanding environment. A neurodivergent person who struggles with communication skills because the way they are presented along with social emotional developmental skills, is like having both hands tied behind their back in a boxing match. Only because they are already at a disadvantage position in the neurotypical accredited educational system. Then to add a little fun to the cesspool developmental trauma, setting the stage for a hypervigilance a atmosphere created due to stressful environment. In most cases living in the Neurotypical world. The key is to understand your parents not blame them, but to escape the mental labyrinth of insanity. In most cases knock your therapist out most of them aren't worth shit. Just my opinion a neurodivergent who happens to be ADHD, SCT dyslexic. Life as a pack mule with blinders.

[@stefaniamirri1112]

Welcome to the team...i wonder is being adhd isn't the start to let us be set up as scape goat that after narcissistic brainwash ends yo be BPD.. idk, I see the 3 things linked..

[@danmalone5365]

@@stefaniamirri1112 Don’t know I know my mom was mentally ill due to sexual abuse and my dad had the emotional IQ of a tizi fly that had superhuman strength who would kick the shit out of his family verbally and physically. But it is what it is. In a massacre there is no good place to stand. The question is then how did you get there. The beauty of practice is that it transforms us so that we outgrow our original intentions and keep growing our motivations for practicing evolve as we mature. Ken Wilber. How did I get there I was born there.

[@danmalone5365]

@Alana Marie Maybe. I spent 56 years working paying taxes. Raising two children on my own, no child support. So I have learned a few things along the way. First wife blew her head off with a 3030 rifle. Second wife decided she didn't want to raise another woman's children. The third situation that may have led to marriage. But fortunately I remove myself from. Only because the church symbolically crucified me because of integrity. What's that phrase the center of malevolence is the ones you love the most reach around stab you in the back into your heart. The gift that just keeps on giving. But one thing's for sure it wakes a person up or you die bitter. Probably one of the most sinister things you can do to a child is emotional incest, also known as covert incest. It severely impacts the sensory motor functions severely impacting emotional relational, and social capacities. So I try to keep it to the basic rights as a human being connection, attunement, trust, autonomy, love, sexuality, the foundation of human development. But unfortunately, when those fundamental rights are disrupted. A person can look good from the outside, but on the inside the ingredients missing or completely out of alignment. The simplest thing in life was to get up and go to work every morning. It was like a drug because I fully understood the rules of the game. I was 38 years old when I woke up just enough to see a crack in the doorway that led to another world, but it required I unlearn everything that was ever taught. Life as a pack mule with blinders.

[@chrisrios98]

You should make a podcast

[@misselizmae]

Can you do a video on if you can have narc personality disorder and BPD (potentially my ex bf). He has a lot of traits of both, but the patterns are very BPD esp the push pull, and serious fear of abandonment

[@DrDanielFox]

Sure. Thanks 😊

[@ZoeMagnes]

@@DrDanielFox I'm very curious about the differences also. Because I have all the BPD traits, but I also have grandiosity, which you mentioned in another video is rare among BPD folks. It's difficult to hold a balanced view of myself, because I'm either an incredibly special person who could save the world, or I'm a terrible person and the world would be better off without me. That type of extreme thinking sounds like BPD. But why the grandiosity? My grandiosity is a real turn-off for my husband. But at the moments when I'm feeling it, it feels amazing, even euphoric, like a manic episode.

[@linneahannigan2187]

Does anyone have any referrals to decent therapists in Southern California who actually KNOW how to deal with BPD??? I know most of us are here bc the therapists we've tried are not helpful and sometimes make things worse.

[@user1607987]

Thank you! These videos are very helpful indeed.

[@par22]

thank you for this video. i've got all 10 of these with myself and my brother with bpd. i've worked on all of these in myself thru therapy and meds, but it seems like it's never enough for either of us. he refuses to see these problems in himself, he's always the victim. i live with him and i'm not in a place financially to leave. i don't know what to do. :/

[@JRigona]

Maybe you can realize that you have done everything you can. It is hard to accept that someone we love doesn’t want to change, but that is the reality for many people. Try just listening, asking questions and showing love and do the work on yourself to accept that you are enough;indeed, you are a wonderful, loving person, but it is not your job to change your brother.

[@par22]

@@JRigona very true... thank you

[@Faith68074]

I don’t think it’s that people with this don’t want to change - it’s a painful existence - I think from experience some of us struggle to find the strength/will/god to give us the ability to change

[@dr.tapasyadiwakar1246]

Most imp prob is they r always in denial...n if there is denial ...when everything about anyone is perfect...then why someone will go for solution or therapy.

[@willdevenport6980]

@@dr.tapasyadiwakar1246 Agree there is denial. And they have gotten used to being the victim. That life and other people are destined to inflict bad fortune or pain upon them, giving them reason to be defensive, to have outbursts of anger, to feel that they deserve the bad things. In moments of clarity, they know they have an illness and they need help, but it’s the kind of feeling that - like empathy itself - is not sustainable for them. And thus, finding the way to consistent/effective treatment is difficult.

[@Samurai_bantu]

Thank u for this video literally was writing down while u was talking thank you.

[@stellar52]

I've learned that I'm not a BP, but struggling with CPTSD

[@Prudenthermit]

Hope the change of label helps you

[@riss4054]

Hi Dr Fox, do you have any examples of adaptive strategies/techniques? I feel a bit lost in figuring out what they could look like. Great video as always!

[@Xaxtarr_Neonraven]

Fantastic presentation. I wonder if the pressures and stressors of modern life, (re: Robert Sapolsky) contribute to toxicity in our society. It often feels as if toxicity was more the norm than the aberration.

[@vickibojan196]

Another awesome video

[@DrDanielFox]

Thanks again!

[@shanebanx9631]

Ok so I feel like I'm being gaslit all over again lol my ex FOR SURE has bpd but ABSOLUTELY refused to try any kind of therapy or to go to counseling with me. She cheated on me and I somehow found it in me to forgive her. She then blamed me for her cheating. Then she really spiraled out hard to the point her hair was falling out in large clumps, she was seeing demons and experiencing sleep paralysis regularly. She had a hard time differentiating reality from her dreams and would frequently have dreams about me trying to convince her the dream was real life. I watched a woman whom I originally thought was well on her way to healing and had morals and values and self respect absolutely crumble into a steaming pile of s***. It was shocking and to be perfectly honest she shattered my reality and I'm fighting like hell to come back. I feel like I'm being gaslit because i KNOW I SUPPORTED THE ABSOLUTE F*** OUT OF HER WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING and she still treated me like trash. I was gaslit, stonewalled, manipulated, treated like less than trash, and betrayed in the worst ways. She was living a double life. Nothing about her was real. Shes actually a truly horrible person who, if theres a hell, would be burning. Demon in human flesh that implants its crazy in you and leaves you having to go to therapy and having to get state assistance because you can barely function as a human being. Yeah I'd say it was toxic alright.

[@Rebelion209]

I just recently started my journey of getting diagnosed with BPD so I can get the care I really need. I have been seeing a counselor for about 2 years now and taking medications but I feel like I'm just running around a mountain so to speak. I had an extremely toxic relationship with a pastor where I was taken advantage of and sexual abused. He was a groomer and did everything a groomer does but I was stuck with him as my favorite person for over 5 years. I couldn't leave the church because my entire faith and identity relied on this person. Even though he was abusive I craved his approval of everything I did. It was really odd and is super uncomfortable to think about because I never wanted an intimate relationship with him and actually saw him more as a father figure. Have you experienced patients with BPD having a favorite person and that favorite person being an abuser who uses their BPD to keep them stuck in the abuse?

[@nirmaladrieskens4338]

Great video 💕💕💕

[@DrDanielFox]

Thanks 😊

[@sarahheld3761]

Is hating yourself a symptom of BPD? Because I told my ex-husband for years that I hated myself he decided that yeah he looked it up and yeah I do have BPD but I didn't need to be diagnosed

[@lavadamorrison4569]

What I find with BPD is that they don't see the truth their perceptions are usually distorted. They have a belief that is not accurate and they then berate the person they are addressing. Once they get into a spin you cannot reason with them or please them. I tell my friend who has an adult child with BPD that the moment she discerns an attack is coming she should say I see where this is going and I am not going to participate in this episode, then walk away and let them know they can call you later when they are ready to have a reasonable conversation. The confrontations from someone with BPD are almost always toxic and abusive. While there is compassion for someone dealing with BPD at some point in the relationship the target of this abuse has to protect their own mental health.

[@Anti-Parables]

I think it is about time you stop generalizing it to everyone with the disorder. Most people with BPD are, in fact, not abusive and do not act that way. Research backs this up. What you believe is what the stigma is, and that is understandable due to you knowing with someone with BPD who engages in those behaviors. Unless you have wholly-proven evidence or have met every individual with BPD, you should not generalize.