When Love Isn’t Enough | Melissa Johnson | TEDxSiouxFalls

NOTE FROM TED: This talk only represents the speaker's personal views and understanding of reactive attachment disorder. TEDx events are independently organized by volunteers. The guidelines we give TEDx organizers are described in more detail here: storage.ted.com/tedx/manuals/t...
When your child is sick and you don’t know what’s wrong, you find help to make them better. But what if the very help you seek makes you feel like you’re failing them? What if getting the help they need is the most painful choice you’ve ever had to make? Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a little understood mental health disorder. This talk explores what RAD is, how it looks and feels inside the walls of a nurturing home, and the difficult decisions a family makes when love just isn’t enough. Inspiring but (sometimes painfully) real, this talk will engage, educate, and inspire. Melissa is a writer who travels, and a traveler who writes. Founder and creator of Oh My Cupcakes! In Sioux Falls, Melissa balances her love of all things entrepreneurial with a passion for storytelling. Of all the roles she plays in a day, the most important role she plays is grateful Mom to her four children. Melissa considers grace, resilience, and unshakable optimism as some of her most cherished gifts. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@conniemcgalla354]

We are parents of a RAD child. You are so right.....WE NEED YOU TO HEAR!!! That is one of the hardest things. Being alone in the midst of people who say they support you because they don’t understand and choose to think you are making it up. Thank you for being transparent.

[@lorispatola7193]

I live this every day. I feel everyday I am not enough and so true, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. My biggest challenge is there are no good trauma therapists and I am so tired of fighting the system(s).

[@patmcgill8085]

Melissa, I learned, listened, cried and felt active hope when you finished your talk. God Bless you and your beautiful daughter.

[@Md6rx]

As an adopted kid since birth, I have robbed stolen, and lied my entire life. I have love for my mom and siblings but still, continue to disrespect them with these continued actions. I just want to understand why I do these things when they are the world to me thank you.

[@nataliependergrass583]

I feel what you are saying. Your words sound like what my 15-year old daughter says. I hope you can find healing and a great therapist.

[@joygwin6673]

You brain wiring..it can be rewired..Dr Caroline Leaf

[@annette7773]

Thank you Melissa. We get it. Every single day we need that hope. Our girl is 15.

[@bradchew7410]

So well said! As the parent of two RAD children, I could relate to every single word you said. You are so correct in that after the adoption was complete, things got worse. Society has no clue and parents who adopt children with RAD are vilified and ostracized. The journey has been very lonely until we found and joined support groups. Love is not enough.

[@elizabeth9976]

Completely agree! Well said!

[@leahvollmer610]

I’m one of them

[@rebeccarpwebb4132]

This needs to be seen more To bad we don't have productive news anymore

[@WhatMikeySaid]

First time I’ve heard about RAD. What a challenge for parents! My heart goes out to your family.

[@wren7309]

i’m a teen who may have reactive attachment disorder and i am finding out now that i’m 17 that that could be what i’ve been struggling with .. and this hurt to listen to, it hurts to understand this little girl and to be like her. i wish her the best, i wish her family the best

[@leahvollmer610]

Most commonly diagnosed in children who are internationally adopted. It happens in foster care and other major neglect and abuse cases. I wish you best of luck. Unfortunately it’s hard to find a rad specialist.. These kids gain control because they don’t understand control. They’ve never been in a safe controlled environment… And rad is lifelong… Impossible to love and trust. Prayers for you

[@wren7309]

@@leahvollmer610 thank you, you’re a very kind person !

[@leahvollmer610]

@@wren7309 Leah's my name

[@posadafan2058]

Wow. So well presented; thank you, Melissa Johnson. Our child is now 17 and we have great hope for him. You're so right; we need others to be understanding and supportive. There's a huge disconnect in the community, perhaps because they don't really know about RAD and related issues. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[@hydrogeddonn]

My boyfriend had RAD and PTSD. He probably still suffers with some ghosts of it. I am trying to understand and accommodate him and love him, and let him know I'm here for him and ready to go the distance. I cannot imagine how hard it is for him. He suffers with self worth and identity, I hope I can help him heal and learn to be loved.

[@nzmtbeachybell8555]

Thanks for the words, "I have to believe in her healing and hope". as a foster mum of Twins, Age 19 with RAD, we can relate to your story, thanks for sharing and always have hope for the future. x bless you

[@SavannahVu1985]

This was so raw and obviously extremely hard for her to stand there and be strong so she could spread her message to the world. What a strong, loving and empathetic woman. I pray her family are able to overcome the bumps in the road so they can find the peace and love they desperately need. Loved this 👏

[@nataliependergrass583]

I too am the mom of an adopted daughter who is affected deeply by RAD. I have been trying to piece together a good way to share her story and I love what you had to say. Thank you for sharing this information, everyone needs to hear it.

[@josettescicluna0510]

I remained speechless till the end, listening to your talk! Melissa, God bless you for the love you show towards Elle. She knows you love her unconditionally!💐🙏

[@NancylynnMaineMadesoaps]

I adopted two children not siblings. One was able to love after 13 years of his and my hard work day in and day out. He can't stop saying I love you Mom. My other child she is in a mental hospital after trying to commit suicide. She is looking at residential treatment. She hates me and blames me for her life. She was 4 years old when I got her through Foster Care. My son was 2 1/2 when he came to me. She had one extra year with bio parents to endure then he did with his bio parents. I love all 5 of my adopted children. These two we're my hardest. My daughter A is now the hardest at 13 now. It's been 10 years this coming December 3rd. She tell lies about us, constantly gets Adults to call department of health and human services with her lies. We are investigated every 3 to 4 months it's traumatizing to all of us. Part of me just wants to give up and say we can't do this anymore. Part of me wants to keep fighting for her because I know she's just scared afraid to let go and love. She has been violent not just towards my husband and I but torture other children in the home. If I just knew that one magic word that would turn everything around I would repeatedly say it.

[@miloshnaventhan1989]

You are a great human being! This story needed to be heard

[@amybaker4101]

I cried through the whole talk. Thank you for sharing this.

[@leahfallesen6365]

Thank you! We are going through the same thing!

[@edgewise100]

I am shaking right now... thank you... your story is absolutely perfect, Melissa. Thank you for holding space for your beautiful daughter. She will love you forever, though she may not show it easily.

[@999AffirmingSounds]

In a Crisis Mental health unit we see a lot of our kids that go to residential treatment learn more severe behaviors, threats of harm to self and others with repeated emergency admissions more than before. America so desperately needs more and better options for mental health. ❤

[@sup8857]

Our hospital has a pediatric institute of psychiatry with a short term acute care unit. They won't even admit my child there anymore: 13 admits in two years Residential treatment options are down right scary. She spent 8 mos in one, made some strides, and came home. They wont admit her again either. Too difficult. So on Saturday, shes coming home with suicidal and homicidal ideation focused on us. we're terrified of our own daughter.

[@sharonproctor181]

I am 57 and struggle with RAD and ptsd as well as autoimmune disease. I have such a story but many do not want to listen, or preoccupied or the basic, I'm making it up for attention... I found a few of my own answers but they don't fit into the norm. 7 foster homes, 1 group home, one failed adoption.. If someone was to listen....

[@Mitchy407]

I'm so sorry. The system truly failed you and that breaks my heart.

[@jamieagans2787]

What have you done to help

[@drthurman2]

Bless you and your family.

[@tedxsiouxfalls9945]

An outstanding talk!

[@trina1962]

Thank you so very much. This is so hard to explain to people. I remember thinking things would get better when my son realized I wasn't going anywhere, but they didn't and I didn't know why. The RAD diagnosis is life changing because I can at least understand.

[@reginawalker3319]

You are so brave. Thank you for sharing.

[@neotheprogrammer9597]

Peace ☮️🧠 Love 🩸💕 and ABUNDANCE 💎🌎

[@drkarenbukharibukhari9931]

I agreed

[@shannonchristie-wickham8453]

I am there right now. We can't get the right help, we have so much help but RAD is so different we just struggle. I just keep banging my head against the mental health system

[@joygwin6673]

do you use quality supplements like magnesium glycinate..Hope you are adjusting meds and learning to cope..so hard..

[@leahvollmer610]

Meds do not work for rad. Tons of therapy. Unfortunately, not enough rad experts

[@Ranzo24]

AMAZING STORY!!!!!

[@emilytrudeau3537]

I dont know how to help. The things im doing with good intentions and love, are they making it worse? This was such great video

[@angelag937]

Beautibul talk. I hope your daughter heals to be able to live a happy and full live. Does anyone know what is the % of adoptives have RAD?

[@purplepatch7]

I've been saying for the last few years I think ADHD I'd caused party by lack of love and or neglect

[@PinkYellowGreen2023]

🔥🔥🔥

[@nirmaladrieskens4338]

♥️♥️♥️

[@reggiefurlow1]

The rutts?

[@lizettewanzer8650]

It's a pronunciation I've heard in the midwest and in some parts of the deep South.

[@leahvollmer610]

And actually kids with reactive attachment disorder have decreased brain activity from their brains not developing properly