AUTISTIC WOMEN: INTIMACY & SENSORY TRIGGERS

This video describes the signs of sensory avoidance in intimacy and provides suggestions related to triggers of sensory avoidance - ie taste, smell, sound, texture, etc (especially for those with forms of neurodivergence such as CPTSD, Autism, ADHD, etc):
5 min intro then signs begin:)
Approx 18 mins in. What to do:)
Articles/Sights referenced:
neuroclastic.com/sensory-sex-...
neuroclastic.com/autism-and-h...
sensoryhealth.org/node/1716
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
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[@breeknight6304]

I cannot express how much I appreciate this video. I have struggled with every one of these issues for 30 years. The shame and anxiety associated with intimacy is something I have never been able to talk about. Even with therapists. Thank you for your compassionate presentation of sensitive topics.

[@user-mk2qs7dp2l]

I feel so seen and validated. I've never heard anyone talk about this issue before. Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to put this important video out there!

[@ednarose86]

The representation of intimacy in movies and such, waters down what it truly is in real life and sets us up for unrealistic expectations.

[@kathysue9890]

Omg. This explains my life and why I have not dated for 20 years. My last boyfriend was the absolute worst he triggered all of these. I absolutely hated the way he kissed. He would stick his tongue all the way down my throat and I thought he was going to rip out my tongue with his. Then to top that off he would drool all the way down my face and down my neck. For about a year I would tactfully ask him to do this or that and he would do it more and think it was so funny. Finally one day I had enough and I pushed him off me, wiped his spit off my neck and just started to cry hysterically.

[@sarahw7616]

Been there...

[@doreenplischke2169]

Yup. Same

[@blessed7927]

❤

[@CleoHarperReturns]

This whole thing is the deepest, darkest secret I've been holding onto for 50 years. People are far more judgmental of you when you don't want it from anyone, than when they're slut-shaming you (at least with my generation). My relationships have only ever lasted a couple of years because I simply cannot drink that much for such a long period of time. I'm so tired of watching my love for another person turn to bitter resentment and deep, lasting shame. Every single time feels like I'm r*ping myself. My ex told me I didn't want a man; I wanted a dog. He'd meant it as an insult. It was a revelation! So I got a dog. If only they lived longer; they're the perfect companion -- and so much more heartbreaking for someone like me when they die. The Dog of My Life died 70 days ago; he was truly all I needed. I can't replace him and learning to live without him has been...a struggle. I'm not autistic (cPTSD/social anxiety disorder/avoidant PD) but everything else you said fits perfectly. It's a paradox: I feel less alone now that I know there's something wrong. I mean I knew there was something wrong -- I just thought it was my fault. That *I* was wrong. Finding out I'm not psychologically special has lifted the biggest weight from me. Thank you so much!💜

[@roughroadstudio]

I'm sorry for the loss of the dog of your life! I've always called mine the love of my life. I thought I could live without a dog and I realized after 2 months without him that couldn't. I got another boy after a long search, another miniature poodle 8 and 1/2 months old. Six months later got him a puppy. I realized later that puppy was the reincarnation of the love of my life! He knows and does things no puppy could. The replacement dog is my heart and he saved my life, but the puppy is a godsend. The two of them together are hysterical and wonderful and they make my life complete. I also deal with cPTSD and generalized anxiety and panic disorder. I often wonder if I was abused because I am on the spectrum, since many autism spectrum children are abused, something like 60%. I'm not saying I am, I just do wonder how much is "only" cPTSD. I check a lot of the boxes for autism, and I have a lot of neurodivergent characteristics. I've been married to my third partner for 22 years, but he is on the spectrum and a difficult person. I kicked him out of the house a year so ago for repeatedly being an asshole to me. He brought that up this morning and said that he had cried and cried when he thought about how hard my life would be without him. I couldn't stop laughing! I haven't laughed that hard in half a year at minimum! He means well but he's so narcissistic and clueless. He just doesn't get it. I told him I'd rather BE alone than FEEL so alone within a relationship. He's always treated me like a roommate, and I deserved better. I've given up and I never want anything to do with people in real life again. It's okay to look for another dog. I asked the love of my life to come back if he wanted to continue with me for as long as we could. And he did. I've never had another dog obsessed with paper money, or who would pick up a dropped Post-it for me in another room and bring it to me without hurting it, or know how to say "Mama" and "Outside", or hide under the covers and snort, or pick things up and carry them for me, or press his cheek against my mouth to demand kisses.

[@CleoHarperReturns]

@@roughroadstudioThank you so much for all your kind words. I can't say I believe the same things as you -- or that I believe in much of anything -- but I would like to believe so, so much that my beautiful boy will come back to me. I'm glad you've found happiness. And laughter! Your ex made me laugh too!🤣

[@roughroadstudio]

@@CleoHarperReturns Men can be SO clueless! Glad you could laugh. Regarding my reincarnated boy, I thought I was crazy when I told the breeder. She said sometimes they come back. About a month later her heart dog showed back up in one of her puppies. Both of these dogs as they've grown have forgotten some of signature things they knew as puppies. They are their own dogs. But a lot remains. The same thing happens with children. They will say things when very young about where they were "before". Then by the time they are five or six they have forgotten it all. I used to hear my love's footsteps coming down the hall after he'd passed. I would feel him at my feet on the bed. He came to me in my dreams, young and vibrant and happy. I would talk to him as I went about my days. I had to get a couple of stuffed Poodle plushes to snuggle at night. When I had both of my hips replaced and was lying in a hospital bed, I would wake up, fuzzy, and see a black dog curled at my feet. It was a comfort and I would go back to sleep. Dogs are an amazing gift, and I hope you can find another good partner! I'm a Poodle nut and I've had seven, all miniatures except for one toy. All have been brilliant companions. I wish for you peace in your heart, and all good things!

[@lesliethurston2151]

Deeply comforting to know that not everyone interprets those "standard" experiences in the same ways. Trauma runs deep and inhabits the crevasses of our being in every aspect. This is proof.

[@bluebirdtraveller1213]

I'm asexual and am so glad to see this video. I really feel seen and heard.

[@Obsessedwithpurple]

All. Of. This. And this is why I’m asexual. I hate sex so much. I’ve never felt so seen and heard and validated in my entire life.

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

I see you, pretty purple lady!❤

[@Obsessedwithpurple]

@@Lioness_of_Gaia thank you 💜

[@bluebirdtraveller1213]

Same, I'm also asexual. In fact, I'm sex repulsed.

[@tracik1277]

I wish I had known this about myself sooner (although it would have been something else I would have had to mask/hide, due to attitudes back in my day). I only really realised after menopause.

[@Sonia-ut2ie]

Asexual here too !! 🖤

[@christinelamb1167]

Wow, Dr Kim, this topic hits home with me on every single thing you discussed! Lately, since I found out I am indeed autistic, so much of my life is now making sense to me. I've been thinking a lot lately about my past relationships, the difficulties I encountered, and reasons why they ended. Physical intimacy has always been very difficult for me, for lots of different reasons. Now that I know I'm autistic, the puzzle pieces are coming together about why I struggled with certain things. In the past I have had partners who were very critical of me regarding physical intimacy. I was made to feel like something was bad and wrong about me, that I wasn't "normal", because I wasn't just like them. One in particular took my difficulties very personally. I tried to explain it wasn't about him, it was about me. But he didn't get it.There's just certain things that really bother me, and now I know it's because I get sensory overload, but I didn't know at the time that's what it was. I've been celibate by choice for about 8 years now, but if I ever get into another relationship that includes physical intimacy, since I have a better understanding of myself now, I'll be able to accomodate myself and ask for what I need to feel safe and comfortable.

[@mpetry912]

beautifully delivered with great compassion and without judgement. this opened my eyes to a lot of things that had not made sense before. Well done thank you Dr KS

[@christinelamb1167]

For me, too! I feel so amazingly validated!

[@MeowlodieHL]

I have searching for this video off and on for YEARS. Thank you so much for making this.

[@adaharrisonn]

GOD this is so real. Never felt so seen and validated 😭

[@Electrowave]

Most of this applies to us men, too 🙂

[@adairirene]

Thank you so much for this video! You put words to SO much of what I have experienced for almost a decade. I appreciate you greatly! ❤❤

[@blessed7927]

Wow. Holy moly. There's some heavy relevant info here…. I am learning about all this late in life. This is stuff I never came to terms with (just learning about ASD & trauma) at 52 and want to say how grateful I am at how you gracefully talk about all of this and just wanted to express my gratitude in hearing another human speak about this and appreciate how incredible of a communicator you are. I have a lot to think about…

[@cannacass]

i have nothing more to say besides thank you.

[@jimtome3554]

Dr. Kim, as a partner who remains ever interested in maintaining intimate connectivity, despite our HSP and spectrum tendencies, your comments and perspectives are a great comfort. Borrowing from your previous video on intimate communication, I would underline your suggestions about Couples Therapy (Netflix series), and potentially engaging in a couples retreat(s) using Imago therapy as authored by Harville Hendricks. This ALL has been a great help to us over the decades of our highly sensitive relationship.

[@BlertaPupu]

I tell my partner so many times that he has to tell me beforehand, so I can prepare, because I want to check whether I have to pee or poo, I want to feel clean and I want to be wet and in the mindset for it so it doesn't hurt. While he mostly asks he sometimes doesn't and it puts me under so much stress and I don't know how to react really because I don't want to disappoint him but at the same time I'm not in the right mindset. Also I'm in the middle of the video but does someone else have this problem that you are not so h0rny in the morning or evening but in the middle of the day? I noticed that since my bf works fulltime and we often don't spend the day together we have way less s3x and it also bothers me.

[@Michelle-72]

Thank you so much, Kim. This is great and really helpful. I can relate to so much of it.

[@SecondChances06]

Oh my gosh this all makes so much sense because after the act of intimacy. I have always been one of those people that is wide awake after and I can’t relax and I can’t go to sleep and I never really knew the reasoning. And even during I always try to quiet my mind and not focus on different things, but I’ve never been able to do that. There is always so much going on in my head during it’s always been so frustrating.

[@Laurie_Tinsley]

I felt like those times of intimacy was more like a chore than a pleasure. I never enjoyed having a intimate moment. It felt like it would take too long if it lasted more than a few minutes. I did my best to accommodate my late husband who passed with cancer 10 months ago but having those intimate moments is something I do not miss. Having a orgasm was impossible for me due to being extremely uncomfortable and over sensitive of what was happening, the sounds, smells, etc during the intimate moment. I do miss his companionship and friendship, the change of being without him has been very hard on me.

[@kcurran9913]

Thank you for talking about this. You very much cover every subject related to this awkward topic. It very much so needs to be talked about a lot more. It is the only way to normalize it.

[@taushablack8020]

Oh my gosh. This is me in every way. Thank you. I love your videos. So so helpful.

[@karinneveronneau2780]

Wow, I’m feeling very emotional at the moment. I’ve never read or heard anyone explain it this way before. I always feel like something is wrong with me and blame myself constantly. This was extremely therapeutic, I will watch it again with my husband. Thank you so much, I have subscribed to your channel!

[@sandylouw6108]

Hi Karinne, if you have shared this with you husband, I would love to know how it landed with him. Please don't reply if this is too personal for you to share :-)

[@blessed7927]

And masking 👺 the entire time is really so unnatural!

[@ShamikaLMoore]

There's so much overlap with the sex repulsed branch of asexuality. The ace community is chock full of neurodivergent folks, and I've always thought intimacy tolerance is like a switch flip. Either your switch flips or it doesn't . I personally have to be prepared, I need a heads up or I won't pick up the signals. LOL

[@user-mf3zg6vo3p]

Thank you so much. I didn´t know how much I needed this one

[@TheSimpleSprinkle]

This was super informative, thank you! Buuuuut I gotta say, my favorite part of the video was Coco 😆

[@joylox]

I can no longer mask to the same extent I did before my chronic pain got worse, and this has been a challenge. I'm sensitive to textures, and don't like the feeling of certain things, and that's really hard. Using Sensate Focus as a guide has been helpful, but there's still often a point where I have to say no, or move to something else, and it's hard to find ways to manage that because it's as if you're in two cars going down a road, and one person runs out of fuel before reaching the destination. Pretty much everything I'd seen online was about autistic men, not people with my anatomy and dealing with sensory and overwhelm issues. This helps a lot. I still don't know how to deal with the issue of certain fluid sensations as there doesn't seem to be a lot of options for it.

[@marthafitch4069]

Thanks for this Kim.... a lot of food for thought ....recognising myself here. Your Christmas tree is beautiful ❤

[@ewamariamajdan6200]

I can add to all of these factors a husband who is intimacy avoidant, critical and lacking affection.

[@Suboptimalconditions]

SUPER HELPFUL! Thank you so much for this and i will definitely be looking into that app you talked about.

[@Lauren-ud2xi]

Like many of the comments here, wow. I didn't know I needed this and to be understood so much. This is it. Wow. Just processing everything you shared and then some. Might need another watch later on. Thank you.

[@fabiogfranco]

Great information thank you. Now how about a video for the husbands who must deal with their wives who have these intimacy issues? That would also be helpful….

[@Thrivinginthespotlight]

Great idea

[@Nancy-cm1rh]

I was thinking of this today!!!! Wow.......😮

[@lindaw.5836]

Wow! Thought this was just me! Amazing!

[@MissingRenoboy]

Thank you for the appearance of beautiful Coco! 🤩

[@claireseymour4902]

So grateful to you, thank you SO much ❤

[@user-ji6cq6bc5f]

Thank youu!! I've been searching this kind of video! I thought there was something wrong with me.

[@middledog466]

this a wonderful video

[@Stacey1981]

Thank you so much!!

[@MrMaartenmostert]

Thank you excellent !!

[@Clairveux11]

Damn this is so validating. ❤

[@cdawg9218]

Listening to this just made me realise I've suffered with vestibular issues since I was a kid. Never knew I had gravitational insecurity until now 😅

[@serpentine_fire_dancer427]

I struggle with a lot of what was covered in this video. But I never related it to sensory troubles before. I believe I'm a mix of sensory avoidant and seeking. Especially smell, taste, and tactile avoidances. Despite seeking being in there in certain ways for me, everything in this video really resonated with me. Except one thing. I'm not ok with fantasizing about someone else while with a partner. Whether it's me or them fantasizing. I feel like it's a betrayal to the moment and to me or my partner. There's even a physical sensation I get with that feeling of it not being right to me. That's not to say I don't understand why people do it. It just feels wrong to me, so I refuse to do it and I really hope it's not happening in my partner's mind. When it's been confirmed it was happening, I don't feel like I can tolerate touch or intimacy with them anymore. When this kind of thing is said to be ok to do and there's nothing wrong with it, it starts to make me feel like there's something wrong with me. Which then starts a cycle of guilting and shaming myself, which then leads to forcing myself to accept it's happening until I can't tolerate the other person intimately anymore at all. This isn't something I've been able to explore in therapy, yet. I just wish it wouldn't happen and I could be secure that it's not.

[@MyOwnFlashlight]

Hi there 👋🏼 Is there a relationship between a person's MBTI personality type and the attachment style? Thank you for your videos ❤

[@katep9825]

I personally have been thinking that infj has correlation to autism and cptsd! Also am Infj-t.

[@herblapp6134]

Kim you are one of the very best conversational speakers l've ever encountered. That said wow information overload. I have intimacy challenges in our relationship. But how do l eat this gigantic elephant? What happened to bite at a time? Gee your coverage included everything including the kitchen sink...oh you fit that on at the end too. Which are the most common...which most important? We can't fix everything....wonderful content but l felt like l was taking large gulps from the wrong end of the firehose. Thanks

[@Nancy-cm1rh]

Yes, yes, yes......🎉❤

[@corinnaketterling449]

❤

[@usaintltrade]

🎉

[@RedNicole22]

This!!

[@plutogiapythiakurohebi4355]

Damn, fr thought I was the only one who kept encountering these issues and feeling traumatized after a perfectly "normal" intimate situation

[@Leeta]

As a Blacl woman/alien too, my mind literally blown. I think that my white therapist does not understand differences in presentation among people of color and i have to decide whether or not to resume sessions and tell her this. And...how do you "screen" for this when looking for a therapist?

[@NeneThe129]

Hello, I totally understand what you mean. I found a therapist on better help, I put in my requirements for what type of therapist I was looking for, and I specifically stated a POC(person of color) for this particular reason. Once I felt like I was comfortable with my therapist, I researched to see if she had a private practice and she did. she can not say she has a private practice on that platform and I went front there.

[@catcat9582]

What is your opinion on dr laura saying have sex even if you don't want to ? That stresses me out

[@TheGreenEyedMonsta]

DON’T just don’t 😢 I say that having lived a decade of obeying “Dr” Dilusional strictly, I can confidently say JUST SAY NO!! She had me terrified to be perfect. She literally says that if your husband is looking at porn, it’s the woman’s fault!! Mine was not, but boy oh boy, she made me anxious about it when previously Id never, ever had doubts in his faithfulness and integrity I’m sorry, she’s full of misinformation and has caused many of divorce! Throw the book out 🤮

[@Jaylade]

Don't have sex if you don't want to.

[@amysbees6686]

How does this relate to c-ptsd?

[@avashaurette5465]

oh my god

[@user-pk1rm3sn4v]

Ive had ED . Fr along time but as i.found out why was hard to find out exactly why Men go it though . lol always dan ruhl. Coolcat dan. ❤❤❤❤❤

[@user-br4kb5mz4g]

I really appreciate your videos you’re helping me a lot❤ I have this question since my recent relationship which made me suffering with ptsd and seems like no therapist or doctors i’ve met could answer me. Could an aspie woman with cptsd be traumatised by another aspie partner?? I thought if we were both aspie, it could work

[@tracik1277]

Everyone and every relationship is different.

[@Robot10000]

I'm 19. Not diagnosed but I have never dated or had a desire to date someone and the thought of kissing or s3x disgusts me. I don't understand how people do it so naturally and I'm scared I'm going to be alone forever. It makes me feel like a total weirdo which makes me more disconnected. I rarely go out though.. Also my parents didn't let me hang out till highschool - barely and topics like s3x were taboo. Never ever mentioned a thing about it. When a scene involving kissimg would pop on the screen they would immediately turn off the tv and be disgusted and shamed for it..

[@ClaireGreen-wd2gm]

I didn't care anything about dating until I was about your age and that because I got really close to someone in a way that built naturally where dating wasnt the original goal. I didn't live in a household that was like that though. You've got a lot of time to figure it out. Just want to say I see you because when I was a teen I used to watch all the kids in high-school talking about nothing but s3x and I observed them like I was from another planet observing a species I just couldn't relate to. That being said your upbringing could be a huge reason you feel how you do so I would worry you weren't natural ace but have just been brought up in an environment that pushed you in a certian direction

[@user-em3np4vr8c]

What is high masking autism? I am not autistic but have zCpstd, I am very highly sensitive, am artist! What is high masking? I can't be intimate, I have to take a pill, drink, to relax me, I can't sleep with anyone anymore, since my husband, a lot of idiots since him, yes I feel like they don't like me really for myself, just want sex! Yes my head won't turn off, had to send last one home in middle of night, he was a dick!❤❤❤

[@francesbernard2445]

Times have sure changed. In the past people who do not sleep with a romantic partner outside of marriage and people who wait for marriage to someone who has character and who is kind were always being called normal. Now today anyone like that when they are being pursued by a rich jerk who is up to no good when doing so could be found through advertising software to be asked if they have Avoidant PErsonality Disorder

[@robyndawn]

I don't understand the last part of it.

[@DanniBby]

@@robyndawnyea they did not connect their two points at all Lmao I was so puzzled

[@Erin.New.]

I kinda get it. My interpretation is that the social values have shifted so quickly in 60 years that now not sleeping with a person early in the relationship is interpreted as a symptom of personality disorder, in this case avoidant attachment.​@DanniBby

[@digne6502]

No discussion of Vaginismus?

[@StephanieDefinitely]

I don’t think she wants to speak to pelvic floor issues-? You might want to follow some creators who deal with pelvic floor health instead. There are several I follow over on instagram who talk about this.

[@digne6502]

@@StephanieDefinitely Huh? Vaginismus is a sexual pain disorder that is highly correlated with anxiety. You won't find physical differences between people with it or without it. It's a sensory issue, what doesn't register as painful to most people is painful to people with it. And that raises a lot of questions about it's prevalence with things like autism. Yes, there are many people talking about pelvic floor issues, but they don't discuss any possible connection with autism.

[@StephanieDefinitely]

@@digne6502 I’ll take your word for it-I have definitely heard about anxiety being an *aspect* of the disorder but I also hear the pelvic floor health practitioners talk OFTEN about vaginismus, so it was just my thought to start there, but you sound like you know better than I do! TBH I’m truly happy to be *hyposensitive* in that one area… I have to get unpleasant pelvic exams every 3 months thanks to post-ovarian-cancer checkups and I imagine that would be even less fun for someone with that disorder. 😮‍💨

[@michaelpineiro533]

*5 thread count burlap on the bed* *chimpanzee screeching playing at top volume* *stobe light on fastest setting* *slather on the Icy/Hot* Don't you kink shame me.

[@theantinatalismzone3982]

You are very beautiful

[@Jaylade]

She is so beautiful!

[@theantinatalismzone3982]

@@Jaylade Yes

[@shazza175]

I have been exploring ace (asexual) spectrum identities and have settled, in the last year or so, that I am in fact ace. Such a relief to be able to name it. I'm 48 and the language of ace-ness didn't really exist when I was young. Hugs to all of us who have struggled with this area. 🫂🫂🫂

[@ClaireGreen-wd2gm]

I'm about to turn 38 and figured it out. What a mess it's been getting here but so glad now there is a word people understand for this.