The #1 Anti Growth Trait: Denial

[@spoonful_spoon]

Nobody wants to be around a jerk that takes 0 absolute 0 responsibility for their actions. They'd flip the table and blame you. Mistreat you but act mad and give you the silent treatment. Or engage in gaslighting or exhausting circular arguments with no end in sight.

[@janetstonerook4552]

You are correct. It is just too exhausting being around individuals who hold themselves up as perfect and yet criticize, demand and expect others to bow constantly to their demands.

[@dianella2008]

I think those are the reasons we end up here with Dr Carter. They are many jerks around. We all have the good the bad and the ugly but the jerks always bring the ugly out of anyone, they are incapable of bringing the good out of people.

[@rorywright5692]

I had a vision in my head where he actually flipped the table ! There goes dinner! Hasan!!

[@TC-gx3qn]

Well said!

[@anesasosevic2813]

Long-life learning is one of my priority in life. Socrat said: " Very intelligent people learn from experience of others. Those people with average intelligence learn from own experience, only fools don't need to learn anything, because they know all answers". Dr. Carter, thanks for this wonderful lesson!

[@bhupindergadh]

I did not know about this complete quote from Socrates. Thank you for sharing! I will try to remember it.

[@carolnahigian9518]

stunted! infantile; a sibling who anawers a Get Well Card from sibling with reams of Toxic anger; nasty letters for DECADES.

[@rorywright5692]

Stunted comes to mind! Stuck in The Land of Toddlerdom!

[@DrLesCarter]

You got it, Rory. Dr. C

[@She_McGee]

even well into their 70's.

[@rorywright5692]

@@She_McGee That is so true!!

[@gotdangedcommiesitellyahwa6298]

Like spoiled little 5 year olds trapped in adult bodies. Describes a lot of people's attitudes in modern society.

[@rorywright5692]

@@chriswyma145 You got that right! Sometimes ya just gotta laugh so you don’t cry all the time!!

[@youtubeaccount-yr6hb]

This is where boundaries really come in handy. You can't do their part and they can't do yours. Be a healthy example.

[@anesasosevic2813]

It is better to rely yourself on a stick, than to rely yourself on an immature person who doesnot know to give love and support in life. Dr. Carter, I cannot wait for video!

[@gabrielleaviva]

I had to see my ex in court.with my daughter. We have had a protective order. It was horrifying for us. He strutted around smirking. Weird. These people are sick.

[@nancymurphy6483]

Our marriage counselor said I could have a closer relationship with my ex if I confided in him more, but if I did, he would use that information to hurt me. Early on in our relationship I confided some of my insecurities to him, and the counselor was right. When he became angry with me, he would bring those things up-sometimes in the presence of others.

[@Sabienwings]

Wow, sounds like your ex is a real ass… oops, I mean really insecure…..you deserve better

[@nancymurphy6483]

@@Sabienwings I think you had it right the first time! His attorney said, “Nancy, I’ve known you a long time. You’re a nice person. How did you ever end up with such an asshole?” 3 attorneys fired him, and the 4th one quietly withdrew from his representation. So I wasn’t the only person out there who had that impression. His mommy and daddy continually told him how wonderful he was. He was the “Golden Child.” His poor sister was pretty much ignored, and she did the most for their parents.

[@js6546]

Yes Dr C! They are unwilling to be honest about their own humanity but they absolutely love being up front about ours! 🤣 When they feel threatened by exposure, they go on the attack, often fabricating their partner’s ‘flaws’ to maintain the position of control. I am nearing the end of a long marriage and I can now say, very calmly and with compassion, “I’m ignoring what you just said about me because that is the narcissism seeking to control me. It is your disorder speaking.” If their narcissism can let them focus outwards rather than inwards, just for brief moments, then they may gain some insight into the pain they have caused. This conflict between real self and false self is a battle and one I no longer want to fight. The casualties are too high and the ‘winner’ will always be the narcissism. Thank you Dr C for teaching me everything I know about npd. It has been a crash course over the last year and I am now an A+ student of Team Healthy. Your compassionate approach for both victim and npd sufferer has informed my approach and made me strong.

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks, J S. You get it! Dr. C

[@js6546]

@@DrLesCarter Yes I do! 😂 And thank you for your reply - it means a lot from across the miles here in Melbourne, Australia 😘 Warmest Regards to you and yours, Jane. Ps. When I first watched you on KZbin I thought, what IS he talking about? I'll just give him a minute - and then the watershed moment. You were describing my entire life. So again, a heartfelt thank you.

[@salettamyers8845]

Amen!

[@christyr5649]

Amen to everything you said! Dr Carter has helped me to learn over the past year so much about NPD! I, too, I am now on Team Healthy for life!

[@gertrudewest4535]

It’s my personal opinion that conversation should never contain the words, “You’re this...”. Or, “You’re that...”. I try very hard to limit my criticism of others to things they have actually done that have negatively affected me (and I am learning that even that should have its limits). I used to negatively criticize others. It never felt good but that was how I was raised. I might even be a narcissist. But I am learning.

[@DrLesCarter]

I like what you say here, Gertrude. Dr. C

[@bhupindergadh]

I like this too. We should avoid global and generic negative statements about others. Instead focus on that particular context or behavior if at all. Otherwise let it go. That is an option as well. Keep your integrity and boundaries strong. Do not let others negative behavior or false criticisms or blame shifting get under your skin. Also, be very careful who you seek feedback from.

[@taylorjeremy71]

Agreed. Personally I found using " I " statements instead of "you" statements help input to be received better. Having said that the narcissist isn't interested in any form of insight so they'll still invalidate what you're saying. I use "I" statements for myself and my personal benefit... because it's a clean and healthy way of communicating. Just because a narcissist refuses to grow doesn't mean I can't ❤️ Blessings on your journey

[@itm4173]

I'm not a person that's called to follow any religion. However, as a Subscriber to Dr. C's Websites, I realized that listening daily to the posts helps to regulate my stress and has become my own version of religion. Instead of reading scripture as a way to set my daily intention, I listen to Dr. C's explanations and his call for Dignity, Respect, & Civility. I've been finding that it helps me to navigate my world with the better elements connected to what it means to be Human.

[@rorywright5692]

I am glad you’re here! Team Healthy includes all of us! This is where we treat everyone with Dignity Respect Civility. Kindness is the best! Hi Dithm

[@itm4173]

@@rorywright5692 :) Hello

[@wandah9468]

My parents, it seemed, completely lacked a sense of cause and effect. Mother, especially, she never seemed to learn from her mistakes. Hard having parents like that. Lying frequently, denial, dissembling, deception. All I wanted was out.

[@marinat187]

It is easy to blame parents. All kids want out , but not all are growing e.g. maturing. Those who like to blame others usually stay as kids forever.

[@Donita1213]

Everyone in my family refuses to talk about anything. And we've had and are having a lot of disfunctions. I saw a therapist in my 20s because I was suicidal. Now I'm 63 and I have begged members of my family to talk to each other. Nobody wants to admit there are pretty big problems. And or just don't want to deal with it. But yeah, sharing our true selves is the thing I crave the most in a relationship. But it seems to be the most difficult thing for people to do.

[@christyr5649]

Sharing our true selves creates connectedness! I am missing that in my current marriage and on the verge of divorce because of no connectedness. Husband is a narcissist and does not do life well. No communication, just lies and distrust after 13+ yrs ! Very hurtful! He doesn't do intimacy either!

[@wandah9468]

Good morning Donita. I have the same family. They've been playing this stupid game for generations. Then I show up not knowing theres a stupid game I'm supposed to be playing. I dont, in fact, play because I never knew what the game was. Until recently. God help them because I blew the whole sham sky high. The curtain has now been pulled back. So much shame. So many lies, so many, many bad players. It begs the question, how long were they going to carry out this psychological destruction? Until one of us stops having kids. This branch of our blood line is best ended. In my mind they are all wearing orange jumpsuits. I watch as they walk by in shackles and I think, "Why does a life have to be destroyed to hide the shame of what they did?" I am the evidence of their shame. Maybe that's why nobody would step up for me when I was a child. And I'm still here. They cannot hide anymore, so they do a quick bitch in your face and run like hell. Like it or not, I will show up at my mother's funeral when that day comes. They're counting on my shame to keep me silent, even now. Uh, yeah, I dont think I'll be playing along on that day. I've taken good care of myself so, yes I will show up, the primary evidence to their long crime spree. Buckle up!

[@Lauren-gs1eh]

Pulling an all-nighter to watch this one. good morning dr. C and Laura if you see this! 😊

[@DrLesCarter]

Of course I see it! Good morning, and keep learning, Lauren. Dr. C

[@jasonsneeden5934]

I learned tonite that my responsibility is to "suck it up" and that I'm not allowed to set express how I feel. "Man up" they say, " are you going to cry" to which I answer, yes, if its hurts me I might cry.

[@jasonsneeden5934]

@@rooftopcat1785 thank you for the affirmation

[@SBecktacular]

If I tried having a conversation like this with the troublesome person in my life, I’d be looked at as a “know it all”- I’ve been told that when I went about trying to do what dr. C is describing here. I had to just walk away and focus on myself.

[@gotdangedcommiesitellyahwa6298]

Be careful about trying to be too controlling/demanding of others. You aren't God, none of us are. And there are a whole lot of I's and my's in your statement.

[@AWanderingEye]

Unfortunately, what they accuse you of being, they have already made themselves into. Who else but a "know-it-all" will offhand reject, ridicule, put down any new helpful information that could possibly improve and make closer their relationships? Only the true "kia" has no need for new info in their relationships --- for all that they are or will ever be has been solidly firmed up so long ago there is and never will be any need of augmentation, nor revision or heaven forbid, "correction". Incidentally, their inability to incorporate new, helpful information into their way of living would have made them vulnerable to, and victim to, the wild woolly world that faced primative man. Likely, these people are merely selective in what areas of themselves they will intergrate new, helpful information --- innovative lifesaving medical intervention (YES) --- family member's new found need for respect and to be heard and then treated or interacted with differently which ultimately deepens intimacy connection (NOT SO MUCH). Sorry for your exposure, wishing you better outcomes with others who are either now or soon will be in your life.

[@SBecktacular]

Wishful Thinking Aww ty- Interesting thoughts 👌

[@sarahcampbell7929]

Love is unconditional commitment to imperfect people.

[@marinat187]

It is your choice to conclude that. For example my love is conditional. I think that only Gods love is unconditional. Commitment should bring joy to your life because it is your decision. There are no perfect people. There is always somebody better or worse than you , but there is only one YOU.

[@rebeccajourney3183]

Self care is so important! I always encourage my friends and family to do just that!

[@conniegarrison7240]

Dr.Carter, I have listen & followed you for a few years now and literally just lost (he died) my 72 year old father on June 5. Just a few short day's ago. My Dad suffered from diabetes & heart disease. I was (for past 9 months) helping with the weekly out of town doctor visits more recently surgeon & hospital stays due to diabetic foot infection that led to the amputation of his infected foot. Dad asked me to help him fight to save his last leg & so I did. Sadly a toxic sepsis infection after the amputation is what claimed his earthly life. I am one of his only 2 children. Born, raised in South Arkansas. My older brother was around but always had excuses or just plain ol picked what he would or would not help with during all this time. Now I find myself also alone in not only planning BUT executing my father's last wishes of being cremated and his ashes scattered at his personal pond. My only older brother has always been treated differently than me due to gender and culture bias here in the south. I witnessed recently him being very inappropriate and verbally abusive to my mother when my dad was in his ICU room shortly after he coded on the operating table. When confronted about his behavior by my mother he and his wife offered the excuse of he felt left out of everything and that's what made him scream, threatened & even cursed at her because she didnt "update" him quick enough on my dad's status. I didn't need updates from my mother.... I was there each and every time fighting in the trenches to help my parents. But of course my mother felt guilty & is now trying to appease him and his feelings which is only enabling this type of behavior. I was asked (like I've been asked my whole life) to just not say anything and basically ignore it. I am having a super hard time doing this because I know how complicit it makes me in this illogical- inappropriate behavior. Yesterday I was told by my brother and his wife that they would not be participating in spreading our dad's ashes. They totally disagree with cremation and my dad's final wishes. Nonetheless I am prepared and will execute my dad's final request. I guess what I am trying to askyou Dr. Carter is when is enough- enough??? It breaks my heart to stand by and watch my mom be treated in such a disrespectful manner and also knowing this has been a lifelong issue. And it breaks my heart that her self-worth is so low she accepts this type of treatment from him. I am just confused, grieving and very angry BUT trying my best to stay focused on my dad's last wishes. But this HAS to end.... my parents Both Deserve unconditional love and support.

[@rorywright5692]

So sorry for your loss! It’s funny how the ones who had excuses for why they couldn’t help, think that now they are gonna inflict there lack of agreeableness on us! My husband passed this past February at the age of 75, I also was questioned about his wanting to be cremated! Their focus was on that, instead of the bigger picture!

[@jameshutchins3396]

Truly learning never ends. How many things I wish I had known or understood 20 years ago. Makes life fascinating

[@marmaladesunrise]

So right, Dr. C. Always the voice of reason. How simple is that? Thank you.

[@brynnleapierce5600]

Oh I have been through this one, a relationship discussion with the other! Their response, asking the same question I ask, they didn’t want to answer! Their next tactic was deflecting with a blindsided (off the wall subject), a non -productive argument occurs then “well that subject was shutdown”. He became emotionally distressed & avoided.

[@terrapintravels3829]

I tried and tried to speak to my SO about issues. At times he would look at me with " deer in the headlight" look, sometimes say, "I am a simple man", and would send his adult daughter over to talk to me about OUR private issues, classic triangulation which I put an end to right away. He's 66, so yeah, emotionally a toddler. I would later get a raging and some significant silent treatment, which he totally denied and said he didnt remember. Impossible!

[@rorywright5692]

My husband was 74 and no change ever occurred except the situation getting worse! Triangulation is like a slow strangulation of you and your dreams of what could of been! They only care about their selves, could care less about our needs, and are in it for themselves! Conversation with them goes in one ear and out the other, if it really ever reaches their ears!

[@kathyadair8552]

Actually, they have HUUUGE GAPS in their Memory. Because, unlike Borderlines, their DIDs (the {old} 'multiple personalities,' usually, 2) DO NOT Communicate (either! - Or, any better than their "False self")!!

[@rorywright5692]

@@kathyadair8552 They also have a selective memory! They pick and choose the one that best supplies the fuel they need to keep them going!

[@junerm21]

You're right that relationships are a two-way street and that nobody's perfect!

[@stellaercolani3810]

I like the music and intro.

[@TC-gx3qn]

I think this is 100% correct, Dr. C. I would agree that this is the biggest challenge to personal growth. All of the narcissists in my life rarely admit to wrongdoings and all of them have been the same for decades-almost ZERO character growth. It is truly pitiable. 😔

[@susanquilter]

You just described my mother over and over, almost every aspect, Interesting,

[@stacybrown6546]

I love listening to you. You are so gentle but clear and straight forward. I will look into those classes. I have a denier in my life but just don’t seem to make progress with her.

[@Boyhead1973]

My husband said he has no pride. I told him his pride will be his downfall... he said, categorically that he has NO pride. I have pride -- it's not a bad thing to admit you do... some people are more prideful than others... but the fact that that topic garnered his response that he has none just baffled me. I just let it be... I know for me, I want to grow and get better. He never admits fault, and rarely accepts any culpability... until, say 2-3 days after the fact...

[@cindys9491]

No pride lol, we all have some

[@usernameluis305]

Nice profile picture

[@frau_ic]

Some use the immature tendencies of our time and society to manipulate relationships with their pseudo-naivety, bacause at the end of the day they think they stand innocent.

[@Dan-ud8hz]

Reminded of the acronym DARVO regarding abusive behavior.

[@sherilynmalloy2626]

Still listening, Dr. Carter! - - From Olympia, Washington State USA @ 17:08 Hours PDT.

[@DrLesCarter]

Good afternoon, Sherilyn. Perhaps you have surmised I don't check into this channel as often! Dr. C

[@treystewart2708]

Hey I realize I can always grow up a little more each day because I know I have my faults and bad moments!

[@michelekurlan6489]

Dr. Carter is JUST SO REAL! Thank goodness for those who promote decency

[@salettamyers8845]

Thank you Dr.Carter🤗

[@junerm21]

You're right that we should always be learning.

[@junerm21]

You're right that we should not be condescending.

[@metatechnologist]

This is a wonderful video and represents a healthy, ideal relationship, but sadly is not a world I live in. And I think it is impossible for a narcissist to accept and hence why it is a disorder. They see a relationship as a "battlefield" that must be "won" at all costs (4:44, 7:40) including scorching the earth 9:50 I feel (humbly) like a video like this would be "weaponized" by a narcissist to suddenly say their victim "is in denial" and find a way to use it to beat them over the head and control them with it (7:14). I.e. it's a one way street (6:30) I do not think that the point at 7:04 can be accomplished by my narcissist parent. They "sneer" and have all sorts of body motions (like rolling the eyes) 10:18, continuously interrupt, and then bring up every evil I've committed since I was born. You did accomplish the goal, it is food for thought. Truly thank you.

[@AWanderingEye]

I hope you have at least one non-narcissistic person in your life!

[@availanila]

That thing you said about "every relationship being a battlefield that must be won" is such a perfect descriptor if the people of Reddit. I went there and stumbled on r/AITA and was so disgusted by the people there but couldn't quite put my finger on the descriptor of how and you nailed it right there. I've dealt with people like that, when you're wrong it's almost as if you lose your humanity in their eyes and will never recover even when the wrong is so slight and inconsequential.

[@elanahammer1076]

@ Dr.C and community… Some people cannot take feedback and are in a state of denial. I think feedback is good. Yet some feedback is open to interpretation. 🤔✊❤️🇺🇸🌎

[@kevinkennett7474]

This is so common with infidelity. When the betrayed asks th unfaithful spouse a question, they are very defensive. Hopefully, that changes as they get therapy.unfortunetly for me, my wife is still very defensive.

[@P-CRUZ]

Maybe she shouldn't be your wife anymore.

[@jasonsneeden5934]

Dang bro, you're making a great sacrifice.

[@kevinkennett7474]

@@P-CRUZ maybe not

[@kevinkennett7474]

@@jasonsneeden5934 I wish I didn't have to.

[@jasonsneeden5934]

@@kevinkennett7474 no I guess you don't bro. I'm sorry.

[@cindys9491]

Yeah...sometimes when someone gives me feedback I tend to be angry at myself for not having changed enough "after all this time of trying to make myself better." I assume maybe some other people fall into this trap (thinking that if they still have enough flaws, all the work they've done so far somehow doesn't count.) Of course we have them and need each other to help see them and work on changing them.

[@jacklarm2170]

Thank you, Les. Denial is something I haven’t known how to explain to those who either avoid or ignore any opportunity to talk about important issues like abusive behaviour. This talk of yours will hopefully give me some ‘authority’ to at least get folk to listen. I agree that vulnerability is a key to growth and strength. One of the reasons is that it is quite telling when sensitive issues are brought up and it results in all the negative behaviours you mention, which results in more entrenched denial and abuse.

[@carolhampshire7820]

Thankyou for this video in England watched all of them now find them very interesting

[@DrLesCarter]

You're welcome! Dr. C

[@Xaxtarr_Neonraven]

If someone sees the need to point out your "flaws" and has a problem with you even though that "problem" doesn't concern them in any way, and they insist on "discussing" your "issue" even though you yourself do not want to discuss it with them because you have already been judged before the discussion has begun, is it denial or disrespect of a boundary. My philosophy is "never demand as a right what you can ask for as a favor." Also, it is an unbalanced relationship when your issues are open for discussion but theirs are not and when they have significant life negating issues. Yes denial is a problem, but denial can exist on so many levels, and who is denying and who is the denied? What if the issue is not so much your refusal to open up with an individual and more about their refusal to accept you for who you are? So you ask them why they have the need to "probe" your issue when you have expressed the concern that you do not want to discuss the issue with them and they respond by hanging up. Where is the denial? People only seem to want a piece of your mind, but only on their terms. LOL Somehow these interactions hurt you more than them. I do not have a problem accepting you for who you are unless you seek to invalidate me. Some personality conflicts are irreconcilable, especially when the other person refuses to reconcile.

[@normawong123]

I feel exactly that way since my daughters became estranged from me. We are talking about 38 and 40 year old. They lost their Dad to cancer in 2020, then lockdowns and they let politics divide the family. I don’t live close by and dread the thought of never being able to see my grandkids but the way my daughters treat me with so much disrespect is not an easy thing for me to forgive. I know I’m not perfect and have made some bad decisions but my girls are both highly educated. It seems like Millennials think it’s the cool thing to do going no contact with parents. I find this disgusting.

[@Xaxtarr_Neonraven]

@@normawong123 @Norma Wong -- I am so sorry you are going through this. Politics can be an especially divisive issue and we live in divisive times. I have heard of this happening to others and have experienced it myself to a lesser degree. I wish there were something I could do or say to make things better. Some people, myself included, have so much invested in their egos that it sadly overrules all other considerations. I hope this poem helps. Be strong, open, and responsive. I feel your pain. 🙏♥️😢 The Prophet -- On Children Kahlil Gibran - 1883-1931 "And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children. And he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. "You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."

[@normawong123]

Xaxtarr NeonRaven Thank you ❤️

[@rosettesionne9139]

Thankyou for your explanation. I had just seen someone who got into a full blown rage just because someone said to him that he was behaving like a drunk... I admit it was not cool for him to say it but it doesn't excuse the fact that this person started shouting, insulting and intimidating the poor boy just because of a simple critisicm... This man shouted to a point where several people were forced to intervene to calm him down... I sometime wonder what these people have into their mind to go from passive to aggressive in just a blink of an eye. Fun fact. I was more than 100 meter away when this incident happen but the rage of this man was so intense that I still heard him as if he was beside me

[@catherineo6640]

Thank you Dr. Carter, for your timely insight. As always, you are truly knowledgeable and insightful! You are a gift to mankind.

[@carefulcarpenter]

Thank you so much, Dr. C!

[@gertrudewest4535]

Most everyone is super defensive and closed off emotionally. I don’t blame anyone. We are so freaking mean to others and every living thing on the planet!

[@junerm21]

Maturity is important for sure.

[@speakingout9740]

Thank you for your videos Dr. C.

[@christyr5649]

I love love listening to you Dr C! Such a voice of reason! How simple is that!

[@DrLesCarter]

Simply...thanks, Christy. Dr. C

[@louisafoster1640]

Love you Dr Les, you're very kind, wise and helpful. ... how's Gus? ;)

[@JJ-dk1lr]

Hello Dr. C. I had to resubscribe today. Not sure what happened. I look forward to your videos. Thank you so much!

[@DrLesCarter]

Not sure what that's all about, but glad you've persisted. Dr. C

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for a very comforting message.

[@northstar5919]

Thank you

[@lenaleong4894]

Thank u much appreciated

[@ahamoment3626]

Fear is the boat that takes you down De-nial the longest loneliest river in the world.

[@SuperNorini]

Thanks doc!

[@stellaercolani3810]

My dad would say: There's nothing wrong with me you need the nut house'.😁

[@joseenoel8093]

It's opposite day for they're definitely pro-denial!

[@AWanderingEye]

=BONUS= DIY stitching project for the arts and crafts crowd...Alternatively, just screenprint on t-shirts, baseball caps or bandanas to support mental health organizations Embroider this on a pillow to keep on your couch to remind you of the Land of Denial: [In very elaborate curlicue script on painter's canvas] There is No Risk of One Becoming a Lifelong Learner If Long Ago They Decided They Knew Enough* *(Or, Worse Yet, Knew It All) [Reverse side over a screenprinted picture of a flaming sunrise, your chose of font] There Can Never Be Anything New Under the Know-It-All's Sun Corresponding/accompanying pillow to position near above pillow: [Bold stencil font on gingham fabric] As Long As There Is Breath Strive to Be A Lifelong Learner

[@cairosilver2932]

Random thought: Maybe the first part of that contradiction is why people/we get hooked on narcissists, we start to see the flaws and we start to become more intimate - but of course in that situation it lacks actually mutual discussion, compromise and team work on those things.

[@cairosilver2932]

Also I think that with trying to reduce self denial when interacting with someone who has a lot more self denial than oneself, reducing ones own denial wont make up for the other persons high level of denial.

[@falconbritt5461]

Yeah, it doesn't change that person. But if I quit denying to myself that this person just isn't going to (after repeated discussion) be capable of enough maturity to warrant relationship with me, I can at least set boundaries or walk away, LOL! My self denial tends to be refusing to face that sometimes I have to set the hard boundaries and sometimes I just have to exit. I'm too nice for too long, historically, because I hate confrontation. Working on that. These days, boundaries are critical for mental health.

[@Spungebobonicerocks]

Dr Les Carter, what's your opinion on our shadow/inner monster? I believe healthy human must be able to tap into it and afflict damage if needed. Because being good, naive, open, receptive, and generally good natured around narcs and similar "vampires" can be dangerous, if not deadly. I read in one book how some of us have to go to dark side not just for ourselves, but also to protect those who can't develop their darker side. And, what's your opinion on young women today (or all of them) being attracted to dark triad traits, does it stops young men from being great guys they could be, if women didn't sexually choose dark triad men? Do you see any connection between modern dating scene and mens mental health?

[@DrLesCarter]

I did a video a while back on the narcissist's shadow self, and I have at least one more, maybe two coming down the way. Dr. C

[@Spungebobonicerocks]

@@DrLesCarter I meant on healthy persons shadow self. Not narcissist's shadow self. But still thanks for answering and for great videos.

[@jamesdouglas7345]

Denial is a coping mechanism when around unhealthy people that don't change. Spiteful types When no contact isn't established.

[@donshaw4541]

Do you have printed versions of your KZbin advice? if so where do I find it?

[@DrLesCarter]

No, although I have articles on our website, SurvivingNarcissism.tv. Dr. C

[@laciehunt9535]

I’m not sure if you have galaxy or iPhone but I love the new iPhone update if you’re watching one of his videos you can push the arrow down button that says more keep scrolling until you see transcript you can actually screenshot that into your photos and copy the text straight from there I love it especially when my husband usually won’t watch a video but if I copy it and paste it to a message to him he somehow deals and understands it better.

[@stellaercolani3810]

Intimacy confounds and paralyzes me now. When I was a practicing substance abuser it was easy.

[@iw9338]

Easy does it, you can learn. Thata what I tell myself. May God heal your family system imprint/triggers. Hugs to you

[@janetsanford2342]

I am a denier! I refuse to engage in civil conversation with most men about how I feel about them. I’m not into most of them. I refuse to engage because yes, I am so fragile that I can’t deal with their pushieness. I don’t know which way to turn to get out. All I want is out! No doesn’t work, walking away doesn’t work. Physical combat is not a winning proposition for a female against a man. I have a horrible history in this area. I am fine with both men and women when it comes to healthy relationships however. It’s just that, as you estimated, 80% of men are aggressive.

[@usernameluis305]

I would say 80% of women are aggressive

[@janetsanford2342]

Yes, I think you’re right. It’s overall, not just men. My problem is with men. I don’t care for most women, but they don’t bother with me.

[@maragl9563]

Hi from Spain, where are you from, the south of EEUU?, your accent is very difficult for me. I like your vídeos a lot. ☺️

[@amandawilcox9638]

Mara, perhaps the southeastern USA.

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

Dr. C lives in Texas. What is the EEUU?

[@carolinacooper7068]

@@Elizabeth-yg2mg EEUU stands for Estados Unidos or United States in the Spanish language.

[@usernameluis305]

U fine tho

[@normawong123]

What about estrangement from our adult children?. Why does is seem to be an epidemic at this time?. I know Covid lockdowns, politics have caused a big division between family but the no contact with adult children in the third decades of their lives seem a bit much.

[@DrLesCarter]

When it's you that experiences this, it opens your mind to the pervasiveness of it. We are in a very divisive age. Dr. C

[@normawong123]

Dr. Les Carter Yes, I pray that “time heals”.

[@usernameluis305]

How can we be sure you are the great parent? Four sides for every story, yours, the child, the witnesses, and God's truth

[@normawong123]

gamer Guy I admit that I have made mistakes but what parent hasn’t?. No one is perfect and of course there are always two sides. Estrangement doesn’t help resolve the situation. Communication is necessary but when one is completely cut off that is impossible. Passing judgement is also not conducive.

[@jamnoise72]

@@normawong123 I am going through the same and certain things are encouraging our children to ignore us! I have lost my adult child to the vegan ‘cult’ refuses to speak to me properly anymore because I didn’t teach her when she was younger! It’s heartbreaking as she is my only child. It’s been a really difficult time. I wish you all the best and sending you a big hug xx

[@MissErinChase]

Wish I could '

[@marmaladesunrise]

Wow, Dr. C., a couple of critics commenting here today. I couldn't DISAGREE more. HA, HA HA!

[@jillnelson8746]

Please please do lose the annoying music intro-annoying harsh tones and time wasting too but I wait because I knew you would have great 👍 information

[@sophianiarchos7064]

I was just thinking the other day what an upbeat and energetic choice the music is for Dr. Carter's program. It would be interesting to see what others think of it too. In the meantime, if I may suggest-- since I do it too to avoid the promos of online counseling and his workshops-- you can wait til the program is over to listen to it and fast-forward 20 seconds or so to where the main content begins. You do this by clicking twice on the video, moving 10 seconds forward with each click. Hope that helps.

[@tanyadavis6138]

6:43 Start here and... MAYBE listen again.

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

@@sophianiarchos7064 I like the intro guitar music but usually skip to the beginning of the "meat" of the video to save time.