What Is Passive Dishonesty?

Some people are easy to spot as openly dishonest and untrustworthy. Others, however, may give the appearance of being reliable and honest, but they are not. Dr. Les Carter describes passive dishonesty. Some people live with patterns and tendencies that signal hidden pathology. As you learn to identify the indicators of passive dishonesty, you will be poised to live with appropriate protective boundaries.
Dr. Les Carter is a semi-retired psychotherapist who spent 41 years in private practice in the Dallas, Tx. metroplex. He now resides in Waco, Tx. He has conducted over 65,000 counseling sessions, written extensively, and has presented many workshops and seminars.
If you are interested in online counseling, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: betterhelp.com/drcarter
We receive a commission on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.
Sign up for our email list and check out other videos, articles, webinars, quizzes, and more at our website: survivingnarcissism.tv
Dr. Carter's new course: This Is Me, Setting Boundaries With The Controllers In Your Life: survivingnarcissism.tv/this-i...
Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
Dr. Carter's other KZbin channel:
/ @survivingnarcissism
Bookstore: survivingnarcissism.tv/books-...

[@Octobergirl85]

"A half truth is a whole lie."

[@patriciamalone3553]

It is that they DONT tell you things that they should. That is a sneaky person… a type of dishonesty.

[@jbellbird9050]

I always took people (mainly friends and family) at face value and took decades to finally learn that not everyone discloses their real self. They're very adept at presenting a social front for the world to see but careful to hide their true nature. I've been thrown under the bus many a time. Oh well, better to learn later than never!

[@annettebennett5106]

You are not the only one….and definitely took me later as well!!!

[@ladennayoung2939]

And don't keep tolerating it. Just mean around if need be. Taking yourself through unnecessary drama and pain isn't worth it in the end at all whatsoever.

[@deborahduthie4519]

The worst is when they call you a liar, when it’s the truth they fear.

[@fredhubbard7210]

Underrated comment. Sorry, I only get one "thumb up." The truth terrifies them. Sadly we are not taught that telling the truth has terrible consequences. The rewards are so meagre. When my daughter was growing up, I resolved to to give her immunity for anything she did if she told the truth about what happened. That is not the real world, where immunity goes to the best liars, and we honour them with positions of power.

[@heatherconway2032]

@@fredhubbard7210 this is too true

[@soursweet6539]

Telling the truth and being sincere are different terms. And as " truth " is volatile in terms of being subjective, how can you ever be certain your version of truth isn't indifferent to other people's truth ? Because of remorse - of one's ability to take responsibility for his actions ? So it is not sincerity and the truth people want after all. Quite interesting.

[@sheilajac]

1 GUESS: Lying by omission, which can include avoidance, deflection, "flipping the script", and anything from passive-aggression to self-righteous indignation, to avoid answering direct questions honestly, or admitting the truth.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Spot on!

[@rorywright5692]

Right on 🎯

[@justaroot4315]

exactly...psychopaths who love their masks so much that now we all must wear one for their dark occult rituals that is about money and ultimately CONTROL.

[@Yatukih_001]

´Macron´is known for this. Every time he is asked a question by a news reporter he will lie by omission if he thinks he has the chance to do so. This has made him the least popular president in the history of France. Occasionally he tries to flip the script to gaslight his fellow French which has resulted in protests all over the country. People do not like passive dishonesty.

[@terrywade3696]

She McGee: Too bad the thumbs up button won’t allow multiple entries! You’re SO spot on! Do you know my husband? Another tactic he uses is to get angry and stonewall me for several days until he can come up with a more plausible explanation (gaslighting)! Or to get me to provide a better version by my questions or assumptions that he’ll appear to agree to, but not actually say the words so, later, he can say, “I never said that!” Lying by omission and deflection are his favorites!

[@atisapmp]

Yep...High Control, Low Vulnerability

[@fuliviacannady7703]

And no accountability

[@lauriej.5706]

My narcissist mother had a sterling reputation in our community. She was the director of a nursery school and was known as a child development expert. She was an advocate for gentle non-violent child rearing. In her private life with me she was mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. People kept telling me how "lucky" I was. Any complaints from me got me labelled as "ungrateful" since I was adopted and adopted children are the only abused children who are regularly told to be "grateful" for their mistreatment. My mother had huge social status and everyone believed everything she said. Anything I said was doubted.

[@chinookvalley]

I wasn't adopted and my dad was the Devil incarnate. I'm sorry for what you must have endured. Smile, and make people wonder what makes you so happy!

[@l.5832]

"adopted children are the only abused children who are regularly told to be "grateful" for their mistreatment." I was not adopted but was reprimanded by several church goers about how ungrateful I was towards my abusive narc mother who was a Sunday School teacher. She was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. She told me she did not love me and changed her will and disinherited me. I was a straight A student and never got into trouble. But I was 'ungrateful'. No one believed the abuse.

[@kaystephens2672]

Yes. I was adopted too. I was hand picked to be groomed and conditioned to "take care" of my adopted brother who was 2 years older. I was raised to be "nice". This tolerance for my brother was expected and carried out into my adult life. 2 failed relationships where I "took care" of everyone's needs but my own. I understand the image your mother portrayed as perfect. But I too knew she was a fraud. She passed away a few years ago and the distance has been very revealing. Really, I believe I was raised by a mentally ill child who scapegoated me to her whole family to justify sneaking my schizophrenic brother into my life. To feel obligated to take care of him. Like a tacitly understood rule I had to blindly accept. Such a sick overgrown child. There are no words to finally see the Truth at 60 years old. It's the whole reason for my problems I was made to feel responsible for. But I always knew there was something there. Something we must accept as not the way to blindly teach our children. Teaching a child to pity people can only open the door for a pitiful life for yourself. Mental illness should not be pitied. It's a pathetic way to raise any child. I hear a lot about the word empathy. Is an empath simply someone who was raised to pity their family members to adapt and survive? I sure did a lot of that growing up. Some people should never be allowed to adopt children. Maybe she couldn't have any of her own for a reason. I wish you the best in moving forward. Thank you sharing your story of her fantasy life. Mine lived one too. And no lie can ever cover that truth about who they really were. Selfish sadistic overgrown children.

[@kaystephens2672]

@@l.5832 They suck don't they. Just sick people never dealt with. I'm so sorry you dealt with that too

[@fredhubbard7210]

Are you my sister? But no, my mother was similar, though I have an adopted sister. There are many reasons for people to adopt, so be careful about generalization. What you are saying is no less true for genetic offspring. In my family, my youngest sister was adopted, and the standards for her were much more lax. My adopted sister had two children out of wedlock, and my mother thought it was funny, and was actually pretty happy about it. My genetic sister did the same and my mother went off the rails. My adopted sister had a massive white wedding at my mothers' large home with her daughters as flower girls (5&3yo.) My older brother got married in secret, and I invited her to my wedding as an act of defiance. She was totally freaked out and refused to speak to my in-laws among other things. But in common, was a respected narcissist care-giver. Mine was a youth pastor. And yes, it is really confusing growing up.

[@tonyrobbins1665]

What I hate ? Is when I find myself in situations where telling the abuser the truth will only create a platform for them to go off the rails on me? Lying to protect myself ? Uurrrrrggg !

[@apeyb5606]

This describes my husband to a “T”. I deal with all of this on a DAILY basis… it is so exhausting.

[@Suzu52]

When I called a narcissist out on his lying, he said" most of my lying is by omissions"! As if that is somehow better....clueless people

[@DrLesCarter]

I guess he thinks that is the honorable thing to do. Dr. C

[@mrb4761]

My mother said that to me once 🤥😶😬

[@chanceDdog2009]

@@DrLesCarter can you please do more videos on overcoming emeshment?

[@jbellbird9050]

@@mrb4761 Yes mine too!

[@mrb4761]

@@jbellbird9050 I'm sorry about that 😔

[@jeffwatkins1845]

Direct lying and lying by omission are a good basic dichotomy for intentional deceit. Candor with narcs is a different ball game from ordinary ppl and their lack of courage to speak uncomfy truth.

[@eurokay4755]

I've been present so often while my covert narcissist mother wonders aloud whether the thing some person is "really doing" is not what they appear to be doing or what they say they're doing. It's never a flattering, generous, or benign speculation, but for decades, I've thought that she must know something, or the situation must be more complicated than it appeared to be to me. But after I started piecing together that Mom is a deeply insecure covert narcissist, it was easy to pull the passive-aggressive curtain back on this behavior. A very close and beloved family member, Mom's brother Uncle "Bob", for decades has handled the legal and financial matters of a very small family-owned asset shared equally by mom, Bob and their siblings. There has never been any question that Bob has been anything but scrupulously honest, fair and transparent about everything he does concerning the business. He has always donated his considerable professional knowledge and time in doing so. Recently, that small business experienced higher than normal earnings, which Bob promptly divided and distributed among Mom and her siblings. One day, Mom told me that she couldn't believe how much the business was earning lately, how nice it was, and that she suspected that Bob was secretly giving part or all of his share to to her. Bob is financially very comfortable and also incredibly thoughtful, but this made no sense to me at all. First, Mom isn't hurting financially, either. Second, I don't think he would ever do anything that would unequally benefit any of the siblings without discussing his reasoning with all of them first, and third, he has 3 adult kids himself, and would probably give them his share of the money before his siblings. Mom's statement made absolutely no sense at all. But Mom persisted, saying she was "really worried" that Bob was secretly giving her his share of the money, even after I reminded her how transparent and honest he'd always been. When I suggested that she just call him and ask him, and explain how worried she was about it, because he wouldn't want her to worry. She reacted very negatively, very poorly to this, and quickly terminated not just this subject but the entire conversation! It was startling and immediate. I had the distinct feeling I'd pulled back the curtain on a pitiful little person intentionally pulling the levers, manipulating everyone with smoke and mirrors, and she was shocked speechless. Since then, I've done the same thing when she and my malignant overt narcissist older brother began speculating negatively about why Bob took other completely reasonable actions. I just offered to call him at that moment and ask on their behalf because they were so worried about it. I'm rarely invited to join my brother and Mom's conversations anymore, and couldn't be happier! Some people just prefer cynicism, gossip, and character destruction. Narcissists lie and call it "worry" or "concern" to legitimize their trash talk.

[@jeffwatkins1845]

@@eurokay4755 I hear ya. And the thing about insecure ppl or narc type persons is that they want you to play perfectly on the level with them, while they cheat you, and try to flim flam every crumb of an advantage their way. I'm sure then when dealing with them, you must dominate them, be their conscience for them, watch them like a hawk, and demand they come up with every part of their end of the bargain first before you can get anything done in resolving life's problems. The sooner you figure that out the better.. as they may not be rigid stuck super idiots to the flow of life and then give just enough or act civil just enough to gain an advantage and then stick it to you. That's why I say candor with narcs is a mistake. And they may play the victim while they're trying to screw you, but you do get your privacy and can be discrete or omit things you don't want to tell them at certain times, while you work on getting past all their childish issues to get them to come up with the all first. Their cries are.. this person is being disciplined with me. They're on to me and they're shutting down all my foolishness and I don't like it, because they won't let me gain some unfair advantage. Their cries are, I thought I had fooled this sucker and was going to play them, but they're not falling for it.

[@cacatr4495]

@@jeffwatkins1845 Maybe they (also) look to their constant conjectural theories (so-called "worry") as a source of power and self-occupation/entertainment/something to keep their brain busy. People who are always looking for problems and creating them, need more to do in real life, to engage their brain, to engage their problem-solving needs, instead of creating their fictions. In a sense, I think they're innately bored. If they had real problems to attend to, they wouldn't have the time or energy to look for nonsense. It used to be called "bellyaching."

[@jeffwatkins1845]

@@cacatr4495 I don't think they worry exactly. I think their scheming is more of a hungry fox on the make. And in Euro Kay's case it sounds like they were trying to project some of their own ugly ego on Bob.

[@rorywright5692]

Lying by omission! Only giving you part of info! Answering you with a Question! Evasive! Offended by your questions.

[@oxigenarian9763]

Doc - you are describing the toxic workplace I retired from. Trust is doomed there, only the naive are open... If passively dishonest (sneaky) people were airplanes, that place would be an international jetport!!!

[@usualsuspects42]

We used to call it "two-faced"

[@Mehmet-rw9bu]

Passive dishonesty is the main trait of a hypocrite. You could almost say hypocrisy is basically passive dishonesty.

[@mdmmalou]

Thats very true. 👌

[@mptajo]

Being openly honest is so refreshing. I have an innate ability to read people and pretty much know when someone is being less than honest. For me, I think that honesty is always the best policy in all situations even if that puts you in a state of vulnerability. Have a blessed weekend everyone.

[@karinberonius8799]

You too Janette!🌼

[@mptajo]

Thank you!💗💗💗

[@fredhubbard7210]

I told myself that too... Until I realized I was completely blind to the dishonesty of the people willing and able to do me the most harm. (Not blind actually, just unwilling to act against their lies by gaslighting myself.) Mother, brother, and (ex) wife. I wish you were right about honesty being the best policy, but as a culture we reward the worst liars with positions of power. Look up the TED talk by Pamela Meyer.

[@cherylduckworth11]

Yeah I had a friend that said "you know I don't like to have to explain myself". Well a little explanation could have saved me quite a lot of heartache. I feel lying by omission is still lying.

[@joseenoel8093]

Something I live daily! Perhaps not taking responsibly, being in denial keeps the coals warm for an argument which my narc seems to love! 😘

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

You are definitely onto something here! Self awareness is the key to unlocking the door to freedom. Best wishes as you turn the key

[@joseenoel8093]

@@AlwaysStampinVideos I'm pretty free sugar, that's why I can spend so much time here! Physcology is fascinating, I think I've married a lab 🐀 rat! Blessings from French Canada 🇨🇦!

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

@@joseenoel8093 perfect!

[@thabomuso6254]

Dr Les Carter, for what ever it is worth, let me tell you something from the bottom of my heart. I have watched your videos for the past 10 months carefully. Some of them multiple times. You not only helped a lot to understand narcissists. Your videos helped to push me away from a mental breakdown. You should know that you are helping thousands upon thousands of people to cope, survive and get their life back. I have just now started to really deal with the narc affecting my life. Thank you ever so much!

[@amandaroberts5111]

Thabo, l second that emotion!

[@thabomuso6254]

@@amandaroberts5111 thank you. Let me then ask you about another emotion. I work in the legal profession so dealing with conflicts is nothing new to me. very much to the contrary. I can also enjoy that in a professional setting and it has helped me in my current struggle. Had I been in litigation with a narc who was an opponent from the start, I would likely have handled this quickly and effeciently. But working with a narc was entirely different. It took me some time to even understand that I was being opposed and manipulated. One I understood that, I could rarely see any logic in the narc's behavior. It felt as though I was fighting with an alien species that attempted to not only attack my integrity, but also to invade my psyche. Luckily I have never been in a relationship with a narc or even less had kids with a narc. That must be 100 times worse. Have you also had the emotion that you are being assaulted by an alien from outer space who uses weapons that you can't even see and much less understand?

[@rorywright5692]

@@thabomuso6254 I know the feeling of “ What the heck just happened” if that’s what you’re asking! They do act like they don’t live on this planet! They tend to make statements that you don’t even know where that came from. No one else would say or do that to you! They have a twisted way of looking at life!

[@thabomuso6254]

​@@rorywright5692 thanks. Us who have been severly damaged by narcs need to adress this more often. As I studied narcissism intensively, I both came to learn and, which was even more difficult, to accept the twisted logic and failed logic of narcs, I could gradually craft a plan to liberate myself. I think that a lack of understanding is the most crucial part of the difficulties with fighting narcissism. It think that it is the most complicated form of personality disorder. In my mind psychopathy once it has revealed itself properly, has a lot of logic to it. It is uncompromisingly evil, but the core selfishness of psychopathy it was makes it more understandable. They don't even feel remorse behind the scenes nor have a low self-esteem, as narcs actually do deep behind their mental surface. And they don't see other human beings as human beings. It becomes easy to regard and treat them like enemies once you realize who they are. Borderliners are different but also fairly easy to understand. I had a brief relationship with a woman many years ago who was borderliner. I still felt sorry for her even when she was at her worse. Her mood swings were so strong and fast. Her personality disorder soon showed itself so strongly that I could distance myself from her. Fear of abandonment was the key words to her behavior. But with narcissists, it is impossible to explain them even in a few sentences. I have my own opinion about us who get caught up with narcs in one way or another. None of us should blame ourselves. We would have non-human traits if we wouldn't get caught up with them. It is the humanity within us that makes them get on to us. The important thing is to not share your life too quickly with them and to fight to get away from them in due time. Not after many years. It took me about a year and a half to realize what kind of situation that I was in and I am glad that it didn't take longer.

[@rorywright5692]

@@thabomuso6254 I’m still recovering from a 54 year relationship. I try to give myself Grace cuz I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

[@tahwsisiht]

I love this term: passive dishonesty. Very telling name. They are people who know what information you are looking for, know the answer but do anything to hide it from you. They also know that straight up lying is too simple and much easier to cut. Passive dishonesty is a way to make sure, they can't be cornered and shamed for lying. If you didn't lie, although you kept the information secret, you can still play the teather of the " insulted or accused". Is in it sooo tiring to deal with this kind of individuals? Constant brain game, constant being on the edge what is their next dirty game. It is not a funny, satisfying, people connecting game. The opposite. Doubt inducing, people isolating, exhausting, not benefiting, connection braking, unnecessary time and waste of energy... endless list of negativity. That is why they are not team players. It is impossible with them to be sufficient and forward going.

[@rorywright5692]

Brain Drain!

[@tahwsisiht]

@@rorywright5692 I just like to form my opinion. Brain drain? Maybe. But my brain, my opinion. If it is wrong: my mistake. That is mine to fix it. I hope my mistakes don't hurt others. But I take responsibility for my actions and doing my best I can. To come to my opinion, yes, I "drain my brain", make mistakes, admit it and fix it. Then repeat. It is called learning. No other way possible. You can't learn without making mistakes. That is why soooooo important to understand honesty and way people deceit others and themselves.

[@rorywright5692]

@@tahwsisiht For me the constant being on edge, was a real brain drain. You explain just how hard it is!

[@tahwsisiht]

@@rorywright5692 you do you, I do me. We are all different. I enjoy responsibility, it gives me and my actions meaning. The more I understand it, the deeper it is. There is a reason for ones actions and there is a reason for us to be here. I don't know your "reason". Maybe you are doing what you have to be doing. I am trying to do my best to do me, the best way I can figure it out. You is your business, I is my business. That is all I can say.

[@ahamoment3626]

Yes Dr Les on going daily. The person who worries more about the way things look than the way things truly are. And there is no room for discussion avoidance and denial takes care of that. Happy to become a member of team healthy.

[@monaobremski2068]

Low appreciation for heart connections. But those connections are vital to my emotional health.

[@TheasTarot]

I know a person or two like this - lucky for me, most of the time I dont have to deal with them very often

[@kimberlys.7097]

Actions always speak louder than words right doc!!

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Passive dishonesty = kind ways to subtly avoid the truth “Kindness without honesty equals manipulation.” Let’s see… who said that… oh yes- Dr. Les Carter :) Narc: texts at 8:00pm to tell me he had been “struck” by a preacher’s sermon Me: returns text at 8:20 with a question: “What do you hope to achieve by sharing this information with me?” Narc: doesn’t text back Me: texts the next morning to point out ignoring my texts is rude Narc: “I didn’t text at 8:30pm as that is just too late to text. I was trying to respect your time.” Sounds honest enough… but then something seems very dishonest at the same time. If i had to guess, this might possibly be an example of passive dishonesty.

[@rorywright5692]

Always Stamping Videos When I read “ Struck “ I thought you were gonna say Struck by Lightning ⛈

[@Seethegood444]

He likes to know he can get under your skin because when you get upset, he feels in control. He doesn't want intimacy. He only uses it to be able to yank your chain and feel superior. He will continue to make you feel confused and off balance. He sounds like my ex husband.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

@@rorywright5692 haha I’m so glad you and i are in this together

[@rorywright5692]

@@AlwaysStampinVideos Me too!

[@rorywright5692]

@@chriswyma145 So true! I think the only insight they learn from a sermon is that you are the one that needs this insight, not them.

[@bettysiemens9616]

Wow! Hit the nail on head in several relationships in one way or another. And the person who starts out relationships giving others the benefit of the doubt, ie trust, is considered 'gullible'. 🙄

[@kathleenwilliam]

When only one person in a relationship has all the flaws, mistakes and problems, I think you've got some dishonesty going on. I don't trust people who have no problems and make no mistakes.

[@DrLesCarter]

Good point, well stated. Dr. C

[@dreamitdesignitbuildit]

What I am finding is the more you have to deal with a narcissist the more you have to fight responding as a narcissist to them. If a common conversation starts, they suck you into the most dreadful tit for tat conversation and before you know it, you are responding with narcissism to the narcissist. Find the nearest brick wall and proceed to bang your head against it...

[@ND-or5so]

It's really hard at first but you will get there. I did and never thought I would. The way they drag you down makes you feel like you can't grow. And many of us victims may act like them because we are around them so much and they pull us in.

[@annemccallum4881]

It's so accurate...described my pastor husband. Thanks Dr. Carter for such a detailed and informative explanation. I'm praying for my husband but it will take a miracle for him to change. Leaving that to the Lord.

[@fredhubbard7210]

I had a therapist from Regent College (if you have heard of it). Her husband was also a lovely man and one of the translators to the NIV. I was in counselling regarding my "youth pastor narcissist" mother. All will remain nameless, but she told me something I will never forget: "Religion is a damnable thing." I hope it gets better for you... but my experience does not suggest optimism. Sometimes the Lord just gives us the power, and expects us to use the courage to do what we must do for ourselves. Passivity is not historically part of the Christian message. Never forget, Christ had a really tough time of it. Don't use prayer as a copout.

[@andreamoscoso4065]

I hope he will change, he might never change which we don't know of that but its up to us if we will decide to live our life with God despite who is around us we must follow God and His will and guidance and only God knows this what is in our hearts what and when people will repent wholeheartedly and go to Him wholeheartedly and who will be with Him and who won't. We must focus on God and put our trust in Him and follow wholeheartedly and love God with all our mind, all our heart and all our soul. Always go to Jesus and rest in Him and trust in Him and His understanding and not our own. If you sin fall short please go to Him repent and ask Him for forgiveness and go back to Him wholeheartedly even if you feel bad or feel like some things are really difficult please go to Him there is nothing that He cannot do and in Him in His strength and will we can do all things according to His will. There are some that in a season they don't go to God wholeheartedly until they truly do and or truly come back to Him. There are some that never did and at the end will still decide to never go to Christ wholeheartedly and there are others that tho they have valid reason and feelings from being mistreated and abused decieved and lied to about things from which they could hold that in their hearts for so so long and it can hurt us our life our walk in faith and can hurt us/keep us from hearing Him and can be a barrier they will despite that go to God with all. We must give that to God go to Him and trust in Him in who He is in His love and light. Will we go to Him with everything and give Him all these things and truly wholeheartedly follow Him and love Him and have His light in us where we can then be a beacon of light for our Father's light is in us His love is in us and others can see that and that God's light ovveruns overrules all darkness . Will we choose to be in darkness or will we choose to be in His light and love and follow His ways His understanding, His love and His beautiful all knowing all righteous and all discerning heart. God is God and is truly good He knows all things and He does not lie for He is truth He made us all and knows how many hairs are on our heads Christ died on the cross for us so that no one that will come to Him and be saved by His righteousness and grace and becomes His child that not one will perish (be away from Him for all eternity that is death) He does not desire nor delight for anyone to perish but desires all shall come to Him and be reconciled to Him. Some will willingly choose to not come to Him even with sins and shortcomings and all and don't give it all to Him because they choose their own will their pride in their own understandings their sins lusts of the flesh anger hatred and unforgiveness and don't repent and fully wholeheartedly ask for forgiveness and give Him all those things and don't en trust their life, temptations for whatever and don't trust His forgiveness and that He saved them and wholeheartedly follow and love Him and His will and His ways. Others do and will be reconciled to Him in their life and have life in Him and walk in faith with Him once they are saved by Christ and recieve His Holy Spirit and they give over their life to Him fully wholeheartedly because He is their Lord and Savior. Please watch Living Waters, Bishop Samuel R. Blakes, a movie called The Perfect Stranger, another channel called WarningThePeople, INRI motivation.

[@MegaMARLEEN1]

Team healthy forever I wish I would have known u when I was 30 Today I am 61, and still sohappy with team healthy and listening to your knowledge.

[@sage9836]

I can't wait for this one. It burns me up when someone advises me to just not tell someone something that is their business and is relevant to their perspective and decision. I do not like myself when I give in to that way of thinking. Also, that person who advises the lie by omission policy gets a red flag. You know what their philosophy is. To clarify, a harmful, nosey, boundary stomping individual who wants to know what is not their business is a different matter, and I do not yet know how to deal with them.

[@BigMamaDaveX]

I DO! 😏 Once, an acquaintance got romantically interested in a buddy of mine. She wanted to know about his sexual experience. (He had confessed to me that he had none, and I thought that if he wants her to know, he'll tell her himself.) Well, she got me on the phone one night, long distance, just to ask. We started with small-talk, and I could sense in which direction this was going. So every time she got closer to her question, I'd go off on a tangent... I said a lot, but revealed nothing. Six HOURS on the phone... and I prevailed! When she finally got to ask the question, my reply was, "ask HIM." 😉 Remember, you always have the right to remain silent... Or drown some nosy person in small talk! 😎

[@christinalw19]

@@BigMamaDaveX Gossiping is so ugly. Those people are experts. Always want some dirt on anyone. Must make them feel better about their own filthy selves.

[@sage9836]

@pasture green Its my opinion, eg ignore if its wrong for you, that the kind of namecalling going on is an unhealthy practice, like when people get into calling each other different kinds of spirits.

[@sage9836]

@@chriswyma145 Thanks. I am thinking🙂

[@sage9836]

@@BigMamaDaveX Fun. And true. In desperation, I once did this to a woman who would tell me an awful pity story, then ask me to please send a positive evaluation to her employer. Once I caught on it was a gimmick, I would take over, babble about something dumb, and scram. Im glad you mentioned this as a real thing to do because I could work up a long one on a topic I like that would bore most people silly, like, say, sandwich making or foot health.🤪

[@lunatic8877]

I've been guilty of being civil but seething underneath to people who have these traits. I was a people pleaser for many years so I felt like I couldn't speak up and even if when did, I was ignored or shouted and sulked at. But I was at the same time trying to find the good in them and constantly asking myself if I was the one in the wrong, all the time while my gut was telling me they were wrong for me to be around. I ended up so drained I had to cut most of them out. I'm still trying to decide what to do about the last remaining one. Thinking about it, I'm being passively dishonest now that after years of him and his family doing it, I'm unsure about how I even feel and just keep plodding along as if everythings fine for the sake of my child and our security.

[@lifejourney3086]

S1ounds like you are talking about my life🤐😔

[@logand2353]

As always Dr. Carter…thank you! I hate pretense and I loathe lying. This is valuable because it motivates me to tighten subtle areas of my life where I am lacking in authenticity!! 🤗❤️

[@bq1424]

Misleading by concealing something is surely DIShonest not just “honest dishonesty”.

[@salettamyers8845]

Dr. Carter, you are 100% correct! It is very sedious! It is worse than lying cause their words to your face don't match what they say to others about you- team healthy has literally dragged me to seeing the truth- Im extremely grateful! Thank you!🤗

[@charmee4045]

Love that term "team healthy".

[@DrLesCarter]

Ok...you are hereby pronounced a bona fide member of Team Healthy! Dr. C

[@dreamseer7]

I'm lucky, haven't experienced this in a relationship. But I'm seeing some parallels with people at work.

[@Morganistas]

Psalms 34:12-18 What man is he that desireth life, and loveth many days, that he may see good? Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile. Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry. The face of the LORD is against them that do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth. The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

[@craigmerkey8518]

Haha I was laughing so hard about this! My parent who has narcissistic features always has a hidden agenda to flex their superiority! Unfortunately as a young child I learned this person's major goal in life is to achieve temporary ego hits by creating conflict during typical interactions. There are few independent thoughts just corrections for others. I know when I am not present (which is all the time) my sentences are sliced, diced, rearranged and pasted back together for the divide, conquer, and criticize people for being weak programing. What is cooking under the surface is scorched earth, a sad hollow shell.

[@cacatr4495]

I found part of your post here eye-opening, enlightening, but I need clarification. When you wrote, "temporary ego hits by creating conflict," did you mean that they would slam the ego of the other person? Or did you mean that they would bump themselves up in ego? Or both?

[@craigmerkey8518]

@@cacatr4495 Hello, thank you for the engagement. Mostly to elevate themselvs Sometimes to criticize the other person. However when they criticize it happens with coded language so the meaning is not exactly clear... and they can never be pinned down or take responsibility.

[@cacatr4495]

@@craigmerkey8518 Understood. I've observed that time and again. It's a slippery form of malevolence, to where their target totally feels the slam, but is given little to bring to the rational accountability of the person doing it. Thanks for your reply.

[@thefirstroxy9687]

I remember driving an hour away, to go to a wedding of a close coworker of his. I also remember driving back an hour later after the church service because he never said we were going to the reception.

[@DebbieLee-dr3hr]

You get the truth in piecemeal fashion, and you get to have fun when they decide. Typical for control freaks living life on the only terms that matter: Theirs.

[@mattstando]

Thanks a lot Dr. C, you, Dr Ramani, and many other psychologists on KZbin have inspired me to be a healthier person!!

[@DrLesCarter]

So pleased! Dr. C

[@fredhubbard7210]

The three people that have caused me the most harm were all obsessed with my honesty. If I hear "let your yes be a plain yes, and your no be a plain no," I assume I am talking to a liar. Most of that honesty talk is to set you up. It signals that they are honest, and hides their inner moral framework. They want your honesty, so that they can take advantage of you. Their seeming paranoia, is not paranoia at all. It is projection. Honest people aren't preachy about it. We accept that everyone has some level of dishonesty, and strive to be honest ourselves. It is an ongoing personal commitment. No point telling others to be honest. I have been financially ruined by their dishonesty. I have asked myself over and over why I continue to strive to be honest. The best I can come up with is that when I lie awake at night, I don't want to share my bed with a liar.

[@lissacablerware8475]

Q. Do you love me? A. Yes, I love you very much (said while looking directly into my eyes sitting in my home on my couch). Says “I love you” again while driving out of car park ten minutes later. One week no contact or calls received. Then spotted driving someone else to an event. Follow up same week, friends say they ran into W and he couldn’t stop talking about me. How my daughters are okay and my deceased dad is okay but I am “Illuminati and dark cabal”. Almost schitzoid shift in personality. Nil communication in two weeks. I’m okay with that. It’s sad and discouraging but the only healthy response is no contact 💔🙁

[@kadootje77]

saying: 'it's ok you can trust us and rely on us', and when you do at long last for 5 minutes, they say you're a burden and a stalker

[@ardent9422]

I have experience with what you're talking about here. A guy I used to know, once asked me to help him with a project and said he would pay me, I asked him how long this project would take, he said "oh, just a couple hours" when someone tells you something will just take a couple of hours, never accept that! A couple hours could be 3 hours or it could 14 hours!... By their estimation of what a couple hours is. ALWAYS nail down the exact number of hours if someone wants your time. This person also waited until the last minute to tell me that the project was being done in long island and at the time I was living in New Jersey and I did not want to commute that far, well this guy absolutely exploded and screamed at me but then agreed to send the money for my commute, so I went along with it. After the project was complete I removed this person from my life. You gotta watch out for people who strategically withhold important information or wait until it's too late to give you information that might make you change your mind, that is a form of this passive dishonesty.

[@mrb4761]

"Watch out for people who wait till it's too late to give you information that might make you change your mind" -- that's a piece of useful world wisdom

[@ND-or5so]

Ardent: YES!!!!! That is just like this man in my life. He ALWAYS leaves out the most important things and I've told him that. He's a real jerk to dismiss all that I have said and taught him. I said to him many, many times; "your only hurting yourself". What an assh-le. I told him "good luck with that"

[@ND-or5so]

That " is " the truth too. I've been through the bullsh-t and it sucks but when we catch on- it's pay day almost Everyday. Well it can't be Everyday cause I have to space it out a little. Lol. 😐

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

Always good to hear you. I like this format a bit more but both channels have been life saving for me. Many thanks.

[@lil--mo2025]

My ex girlfriend literally lives her entire existence in this manner. She was one of the most passive people I’ve ever met and she lied to cover lies that not only were already known lies, but just to cover o the original lies. One if the most superficial and ignorant people I’ve ever thought possible. Her one and only skill is manipulation. Zero accountability and no empathy.

[@rcat32]

Sounds like she is a sociopath without a conscience...

[@ashlieleavelle]

Parents teach and model so much. I want my daughter to know as she grows that honesty and your word is very important. My Husband has several chronic liars in his family. We will teach her that honesty is not only right, but the best policy. Lying will not tolerated in our home. We are bre the cycle. Integrity is so important. I will teach my daughter that the consequences will be much harder if she is dishonest to us.

[@ND-or5so]

I can't understand why people have to lie so much. I have trouble with that. And we know when they do. I come from a family of other siblings and the same parents and I don't talk to many of my family members because of their lies and inability to take accountability. It blows my mind that they go on like that. Gossip, drama - you name it. It's about time I got away from them.

[@prettysmile6869]

It's very very..exhausting. These " individuals", dr. Les Carter doesn’t use the term narcissist or toxic person, personality disorder. Life energy draining vampiers and highly dangerous!

[@DS40764]

"All the World is a stage and we are merely players." I get it, this is to the extreme, but we also play different roles and must be private and discern who we can be honest with. I'm outspoken online, much more so than in real life because being outspoken has not worked for me in life. And frankly, there is so much Narcissism out there, so there are less people who like you for who you are and what you believe is not okay with them. But yes, I know of someone who is very passive- aggressive, especially during conflict. And someday, this may hurt him, as much as he hurts others right now.

[@marionclark]

This sums up my husband of 60 years. Infuriating! Thank you!

[@ND-or5so]

"Infuriating" is the word for mine. What we have put up with. I need compensation for this crap. I told him I need to be paid for this job cause this isn't normal and not what I was looking for and how you turned on me when you took that mask off. I was turned off by that! I didn't sign up for this at all mister..

[@chinookvalley]

I live in a small town. Gossip is the go-to for something to do for many. The church I USED to go to, supported some of the worst gossipers, because they gave the most money. Well, a few tales were told about me that were not true. It about ruined me, but thankfully, I don't care what people who don't know me, think of me. Nuff said.

[@ritaanderson1042]

Cat Stevens: Say what you mean, mean what you say, say what you think and then think anything- why not!

[@moc1science236]

Dr. C., Your videos have taught me so much about myself and my marriage. If I only had someone as wise as you to guide me 30 years ago I would have had a much happier and more satisfying life. Thank you for all you do!

[@DrLesCarter]

You're welcome. Dr. C

[@sandrasimon9534]

Same here. 31 years wasted.

[@suzannetidei9450]

It's when he let me think all summer that the dryer was broken, and in the fall when there was not going to be any dry days in the forecast, he finally "fixes" it, and admits he disconnected a wire to make me wait for sunny days to do laundry and dry clothes on the line to save money. We had at least six kids at that point, and I used cloth diapers.

[@kaystephens2672]

Sometimes when you're raised by liars you just get conditioned to put up with sorry behavior. It starts somewhere.

[@ladennayoung2939]

Yeah. And healing starts somewhere, too. The doctor isn't denying what you are saying, and neither am I. But there have to come a time where you stop making excuses in life and choose to make a decision to become your healthier best version of yourself.

[@Greenwings701]

This is so valuable. So insidious. Thank you, Dr. Carter.

[@terriwhalen7988]

There words never or most times line up. Something to look for, remember, actions can and most times speak louder!

[@artskiwendy]

Whenever I got too close to Mr norky's issues, he would say that's none of your business yet we live together and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me I said I need to understand you and you need to be more open with me. And he said you need to get a thicker skin. The dishonesty was real

[@amandaroberts5111]

You are describing my older brother. l am about to throw the towel in after years of subtle abuse and overt control. But l feel there is no point in 'having it out with him', it would be a waste of energy. Instead l am just slowly and quietly withdrawing. l wish he would get help, but he doesn't think there is 'anything wrong' with him, so he won't. Dr Carter, when is the right time to draw a line in the sand please?

[@Portia620]

I’m super observant without being observant! 😂😂. Paying close attention to people bs!❤️🥂😂😂

[@barefootincactus]

Maybe I'm not understanding, but do you have to tell someone every time you disagree with something they say? Sometimes it's better to listen and say nothing until you can escape.

[@harleyquinn5774]

My experiences have taught me that the dishonest person (mine being Narcs) interprets silence as passive agreement. My Narcs have even verbally conveyed that logic of argument to me. Unless someone directly and bluntly communicates disagreement to what they say, any other behavior the listener exhibits is a form of agreeing, even when the listener consciously disagrees with them, any and all not-directly-verbally-disagreeing behavior the listener exhibits is the VALID display of agreeing with the dishonest person over what the listener is consciously thinking. Real mental gymnastics logic to gaslight and invalidate a person. Ugh.

[@joywebster2678]

Barefoot in cactus it lies in the intent I think. Being deceptive versus polite, and moving on.

[@leonap4814]

It was worthless for me to disagree because he didn't get it anyway. I disagreed in my head. Trying to explain anything is a waste of energy. I learned to stay silent. They think they are always right anyway!

[@thabomuso6254]

@@leonap4814 and if you disagree with a narc, you have to always be prepared for their rage and their attempts to punish you. If you resist at that time they will increase their hostility and attempt to hurt and punish you. Thus, there are usually only two options. Accept or be prepared for an all out conflict and what ever consequences that may have for you, the narc, you work, projects and lots of people around you. I have attempted both disagreement with my narc ex boss. I was often allowed to disagree within certain fields because I was trusted for my sincerity and professional judgement. However, as she gradually dropped her mask of normalcy, she tolerated less and less agreement, so I became more and more muted. At the end she didn't even tolerate me stating simple facts such as documents lost by her, accounting errors or other grave mistakes that she had made and that jeopardized the entire workplace. Finally I was forced to go out in an all out conflict that I started just a few days ago.

[@lunatic8877]

@@harleyquinn5774 I've found this too, if you stay silent they take it as acceptance but even after saying no it's been ignored by the 'fake nice' narcs who use 'friendly' but pushy tactics along with sneaky ways of getting information (enabling family members) to use it to get their own way and they do it anyway or by the one who doesn't have to hide it coz he does it indoors where no-one else can see I get shouted at and everything twisted back to make it my fault and then sulked at for weeks until I had to apologise and make everything right. You can never win. (I refuse to do that any more, I changed myself and now I stand up for myself but it doesn't stop him doing it, I just stopped caring he does or hoping he'd change. And I cut his family out). The worst thing about it all is the fact that they think they're lovely people.

[@susansheldon2707]

Evasiveness. It seems to me that the passive dishonesty described can also be a defense tactic used by a scapegoated person to prevent a narc from going into a narcissistic rage. "What he doesn't know about won't trigger him..." "I'll let him think thus-and-such if it'll keep him off my back..." "What she doesn't know about me she can't use to stab me in the back..." Long-term victims (think long-term marriages to narcs, which is my case) can also end up constantly on the defense with a zero-level of trust toward the narcissistic abuser, hence we resort to some of the same tactics as the narc uses - but not to dominate or hurt them, just to protect the ourselves. When you have to, it's smart to learn how to use their tactics against them

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

Goodness gracious you just described our politicians on the Hill today- especially starting at the 6 min mark.

[@stopmotionmoron2373]

People pleasers lie but they would rather be honest

[@NenaLavonne]

Really fantastic topic! Thank you! ♥️

[@MargaretWalkerCellist]

Thank you, Dr. Carter, for being so insightful, kind in your presentation, and a joy to listen to and learn from! You have confirmed all my inner feelings about dishonest people, that appear different on their outside, but ultimately turned out to be who they really are in their actions. You certainly must've dealt with a lot of people with deceptive hearts, and smiles on their faces as they trick you. Thank you for your kind and gentle way of helping us.

[@notgivingthisout6977]

Thank you, Dr. Carter! I've been putting my recent attentions toward what I "missed" or what to watch out for going forward in relation to this video's topics, and I found an article by K. O'Donnell titled "Ten Psychological Tactics for Avoiding Accountability and How to Address Them" (written from/to a business lens) that helped me get a better sense of what these tactics "looked like" in practice. (In particular, the list of 10 things NOT TO DO was informative.) I think part of what made them hard to spot was the variety and volume coming at me at any given time. That is, in a storm of deflection, blameshifting, gaslighting, misdirection, etc, it can feel like a whiteout. Bearing in mind that these invariably occurred in response to seeking understanding, clarity, collaboration or cooperation, if one party is invested in improving the situation, and HAS THE ASSUMPTION the other party's interests will be the same, it can be hard to filter through it all. "Does this person's communication and actions indicate transparency and accountability (and therefore collaborative/cooperative interaction)?" needs to be more forefront for me, I think. My focus was shifted from my intentions (via those tactics), and rather than stopping right there and saying "why was the focus shifted?," I chalked it up to run of the mill communication failure. The passive dishonesty in this scenario (which wasn't really passive, in the final analysis) was the implication/suggestion that my intent was other than healthy or aimed toward improvement, and letting me think it was poor communication (on my part, of course) that created/was the problem. It was a communication failure, all right, but it was not my communication (or at least not exclusively) that failed. Indeed, this person lectured me many times to "assume he operated with best intentions at heart" despite virtually always assuming the worst of mine. (My attempts to improve communication were seen as "challenges" to his "boundaries" because his communication habits/style were deemed "appropriate" despite being, now that I have perspective and a better tool box, pretty atrocious.) Turns out his "boundaries" are license to behave as he sees fit and include just about all the classic narcissistic behaviors you talk about- and a few more for good measure.

[@helenwatson4494]

Thank you for your videos Dr Les. I cannot tell you how helpful they have been 💜

[@DrLesCarter]

You're welcome. Dr. C

[@lil--mo2025]

You are amazing Doc! Thank you so much!

[@markdennis6256]

What would you tell someone who grew up surrounded by this kind of behavior and has caught some of it for themselves, but wants to unlearn it and become more straightforward? Having grown up under the ”microscope” of a narcissistic parent, I have acquired a habit of giving off as little information of myself (including opinions, emotional states etc.) as possible so that it won’t be used against me. I can find the attitude in myself that it’s none of anyone’s business to know anything about me except in that rare occasion when I make the conscious choice to disclose something. I find it unnatural and imposing to feel a sense of obligation to be disclosing of myself all the time. More natural for me is to just do my own thing in private (healing, chilling, studying, thinking, creating etc, nothing too hideous lol), without having to be reporting of it to anyone. I guess what I’m asking is how to make it a more natural part of myself to disclose of myself honestly and in the right amount? Seems to be something I need to consciously learn.

[@amandaroberts5111]

Sounds like you are ready to grow out of old patterns, your soul wants to move forwards, so that is good!

[@TurningTesting]

Leaving a comment to get notified of potential advices.

[@suehavlik7081]

Thank you! So many times your videos have hit the mark. I'm learning and growing. It'll be awhile before I can trust myself, let alone someone else, but you explain things in such a way that I can understand the mystery of narcissistic traits. On the road to thriving, thank God!!

[@davidp2888]

I can relate to this so much. Thank you, Dr. C.

[@ljubavu5dimenziji756]

Perfect timing

[@marygoodman9530]

Thank you very much absolutely appreciate this realistic video, blessings

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for a great insight into a very troubled matter.

[@sarablackwolfdancer9359]

It feels like passive aggression and passive dishonesty is rampant where I live. Maybe it's just who I have hung out with, and I've only been here for a year...

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

True story: On his returning home from the grocery… Me: “Where’s the lettuce?” Narc: “Um oh they didn’t have any” (Did you catch the blameshift? It’s super subtle and could very well be true. But is it really LIKELY that a large chain grocery store would be out of a staple food such as lettuce? C’mon. Instead of just admitting he didn’t get any lettuce because he either forgot or just didn’t want to or whatever, he placed the blame on the grocery store. He knew i would not be able to know whether or not they actually had lettuce. I certainly wasn’t going to jump in the car to prove him wrong. Blaming the store allowed him to still be right- sort of… at least in a twisted kind of way.) Me: “Out of lettuce? What? Did you even look for it?” Narc: “They didn’t have any.” (Did you catch that? It’s so easy to miss- the question did not get answered so that he doesn’t have to lie about not actually looking for the lettuce. Avoiding answering the question allows him to not have to tell the truth. “They didn’t have any” sounds believable enough.) Me: “i find that hard to believe.” Narc: “Why would i lie?” I tell this story because there is someone reading it who is caught up in being dooped by a narcissist’s covert dishonesty. Years ago i would have heard “they didn’t have any lettuce” and thought, “hmm that’s weird that they didn’t have lettuce” and simply shrugged it off. I also might have thought, “the one thing i specifically asked him to get- he didn’t get… this seems to be an odd pattern- him not doing what i ask of him… i wonder why.” Then the more often these behaviors are “shrugged off,” the more often they began to occur until they happened so often- it was total chaos trying to figure out what was truth and what was his alternative reality. Little lies about something as insignificant as lettuce are signs of a greater lie. A narcissist will say and do anything to cover up the greater lie.

[@Suzu52]

Omg...are you married to my future ex' clone.?...this is maddening behavior and so easy to see through, yet they persist!...and it became so pervasive, that no I didn't t jump in car to prove him wrong, I ve called the store and they ve had the items...

[@amandac7056]

Absolutely true!! I use to strug things off to. Now I word things differently with him because if he lies outright I can visibly tell. Most times don't care like I did but I ask the questions because he doesn't like it and I like to keep reminding him I see 👁️

[@rorywright5692]

AlwaysStampin That line about blaming the store allowed him to still be sort of right! Know this all to well!!

[@DrLesCarter]

"Would I lie?" Yeah, you just did! Dr. C

[@Mehmet-rw9bu]

Why is he interrogated about a lettuce in the first place?😂

[@malcolmmarzo2461]

Sounds like a description of our society.

[@Star-dj1kw]

Lovely Video, full of gems 💎 Lettin your yes be YES 👍🏽 AUTHENTIC and true yet not casting your precious pearls before swine. Let those shifty folks, the double minded ones do their own thing. So Good! ❤️❤️

[@aartivyas7190]

Thank you

[@gingerhenna9445]

Thank you Dr. Carter for explaining this with finesse, so that we choose acceptance and awareness verses putting us into adrenaline induced fight mode, which is most often futile and depleting. And thanks for giving us permission to not like those behaviors in others, that we may find ourselves loathing. The steps get steeper and narrower as we climb, when we remain committed to a lifetime of healthy spiritual walking daily, with truth and honesty, best we can. When I began decades ago to opt out of family dysfunction, the advice was simplified in this message, stop banging your head against a brick wall. So I learned how to stop doing that. But today's lesson are more challenging because of the subtlety of the tactics being used by others. Those who refuse to interact with us on a peer level, will instead spend copious amounts of time and energy averting genuine adult adult interactions. The societal effect has been a call to us, to flood to sites like yours. In fact difficult people will use even sentence structure and word choices to aviod having peer to peer exchange as their whole priority, like we might somehow taint their pristine way of being or being seen. We some how are the place they put their human foibles and or shame. But to us it seems they are just not willing to get their hands dirty and help. They specialize and excell in their solitaire game, of immaturity. Giving us odd, not relevant roles, that are confusing and offsetting. They live in preteen and is teenager land, and it's sad to observe. I have placed them in God's hands, because the changes needed seem to need the Lord's knowledge and ability, if indeed God thinks changes are even safe or wise. Just very greatful to know you are calmly holding the sane sober awareness ground that is essential for us as a people to get beyond the the pain and poor use of energy that those with troubled social and emotional issues can cause, when they do not want to grow, but very much want to keep other people around as a captive audience, whether we want to watch the drama or not. Such theatre, such games. And all that culminates in blocking the way of others, but only temporarily, because when we break the spell of the oddness of their behavior, we happily choose discoveries, growth, and sharing with others, on sites like yours. So thanks again Dr. Carter.

[@bluestar.8938]

Thank you Dr C : )

[@angusclark145]

Thanks.

[@daretodream...898]

Ok, Dr. Carter. Now I'm a little confused. Please expound on the difference between passive dishonesty, brutal honesty, honesty tempered with kindness and, lastly, diplomacy. Which is the healthiest approach to take with those we do not care to associate with or like? My approach has always been ... "You don't have to like someone, but you do have to be polite." Mainly ... what is the stark difference between diplomacy and passive dishonesty? I'm thinking in terms of employee vs. supervisor, or toxic family member vs. empathic family member, etc.

[@ramonabad5011]

Diplomacy, being concerned about hurting people's feelings, compassion, evaluating how trully sick could someone be vs normal kind of human flaws, are aspects to take into account when talking about "passive dishonesty". How truthful and streight forward can we be towards a stalker that communicates overwhelmingly only through phrases, metaphors, biblical passages, poetry, yet never a conversation as the person he is, although being on internet if he needed hiding so badly. This person accuses me of dishonesty buy I cannot accept it. I had powerful reasons to doubt everything about him yet felt somewhat sorry about his emotional decay.

[@ND-or5so]

Dr. Les Carter: Oh my gosh! I am so grateful to you for this video. God Bless You Sir. What you have said was so well and adept and this needs to be looked at by the one that you must know about. Excellence at it's best Dr. Carter. I have to put this on the TV for his happy hour. "Just a self help video I really want to see honey." For real. This is a must and I'm gonna do it. I can't wait. Love you and your intelligent, beautiful wife. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 👍👊✌️👉👈 👌 🙌 🤝

[@claudiawaid5532]

And say what you mean, don’t say it mean. ☺️

[@Hydrocarbonateable]

I think a lot of victims of abuse get trained into doing this, because honesty wasn't safe or allowed. It's one of the biggest silent stumbling blocks for rehabilitation into normal life with healthy people. They'll avoid you if you engage like this, especially in the workplace, but if you don't do this, the toxic people will avoid you too. So a lot of victims end up alone, imo, when they are in between stages with this behavior, and can get very stuck there. For example, I had no idea how much the real world valued honesty. I was always taught honesty was the worst policy, growing up, and narc bosses and romantic partners reenforced that. Cost me a lot to learn this lesson, and i think the online pundits don't talk enough about it when dealing with recovery. We don't know how to be honest with ourselves about our feelings or desires, either, for instance. It's a fundamental skill you have to learn before you can really make progress on any other recovery skills and when that step is skipped by therapists and what not, it does everyone a disservice. Culturally, I'll say "passive dishonesty" is also more common in some communities/ethnicities. Being from the Dutch Midwest, you never tell anyone the truth about how you feel openly, that's considered aggressive and picking a fight. You're supposed to go to a third party and beat around the bush. Not saying it's good, i actually hate it, but it's hard to unlearn when it's enforced by your society at large. (It's part of why so many emotionally competent young people leave the midwest though, i think)

[@aaronfischer9885]

The most routinely passive dishonest statement I come across is when I ask, "Haven't heard from you in awhile. What's going on?" "Oh, I've been busy." Too busy is a myth. People make time for the things that are really important to them. They have relegated you as a "second thought" and given you a part time role in their life. The best a person can hope for in that situation is a few phone calls a year full of passive dishonest small talk. Followed by another passive dishonest statement of, "It was good to talk to you. Love you." Makes me shake so bad, I want to vomit.

[@DrLesCarter]

Exactly. Dr. C

[@mikediamond353]

Build up a firewall, protect your heart How did you find their phone number? Just throw it away. Postcards now!

[@aaronfischer9885]

@@mikediamond353 Thank you Mike! Postcards from here on out.

[@candyrushascendedphoenix8]

I really like your videos.Thank you 👍👍👍

[@DrLesCarter]

You're welcome. Dr. C

[@myrasta.catalina3465]

Hey Dr. Carter, can you make a video about active dishonesty? Which is better, a dishonest honest person or an honest dishonest person?

[@Yatukih_001]

You explain this so well! A good example of passive dishonesty would be the Macron presidency.

[@moonshineonme75013]

Look alive ❤️ly people...it is all part of the strategy...in a game that more than likely, you weren’t even aware you were playing! One where the rules are constantly changing and made up as you go along...but never in your favor...one that if you’re not careful, will kill you or in the least, suck the life force right out of you... Best advice: don’t play the game, the game is rigged and you cannot ever win!

[@cymbolichuman433]

SAYS WHO? Learn from them and have a little fun at their expense.

[@carpathia0117]

@@cymbolichuman433 I wish I knew how to do that. Probably too late they are gone.

[@carpathia0117]

Definitely feel like that emotionality exhausted

[@patriciasaldanha3165]

I forgot to say I do love your Orange and rust autumny shirt

[@texaspatty458]

Good morning Dr.Carter 🌞

[@DrLesCarter]

Good morning, Patty. Just came in from a walk with Gus! Dr. C

[@texaspatty458]

@@DrLesCarter ... I've been out with my fur friend also . Have a wonderful day .

[@elanahammer1076]

@ Dr. C and community… I really like the stealth reference. It is good to have awareness as it helps with boundaries. What I am doing is working on me. So that I am ready when I can follow various dreams or my favorite chase down a rabbit hole 🕳 of life. Thank you 🤔❤️🇺🇸❤️‍🩹🌎✊🕳🐇

[@lesliezucker3862]

Good video sounds like most of the world

[@natoyabailey9439]

Beautiful

[@VickiBee]

My sister's constantly stirring up trouble. Even when she's trying to look like she's being positive, she's trying to start what used to be called "flame wars." Online arguments that last forever. Why didn't she become a LAWYER if she wants to argue 24/7?