What Is Imperative Thinking And How Does It Disrupt Relationships?

Many people display such a strong need to superimpose a personal agenda upon others that they overstep relationship boundaries constantly. Dr. Les Carter describes how they are driven by imperative thinking. As you are able to identify this pattern, you can them feel empowered to stay unhooked from unnecessary conflict and stress.
Dr. Les Carter is a semi-retired psychotherapist who spent 41 years in private practice in the Dallas, Tx. metroplex. He now resides in Waco, Tx. He has conducted over 65,000 counseling sessions, written extensively, and has presented many workshops and seminars.
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[@jennylynn82173]

Dr. Les - I imagine I speak for many people here - Thank you from my whole person. You are helping me so much… 🙏🏻. No words sufficient…

[@DrLesCarter]

You're so kind, Jennifer. You're why I do what I do. Dr. C

[@christinalw19]

Dr Carter, I love setting a reminder and looking forward to your videos. They are comforting. and I appreciate your gentle nature. Thank you. 🙏🏼❤️

[@rimagennaoui4140]

I always feel that imperative thinking comes from fear of change and inability to find and accept new ways of dealing with life other than what they used to.

[@harleyfsbo3027]

The need to enforce ‘rules’ and ‘boundaries’ doesn’t occur with healthy individuals and in healthy relationships - Narcissists, on the other hand, being ‘tone deaf’, deserve to hear the word NO repeatedly as much as they need to be shown what and where your boundaries are.

[@barbarabagatin8962]

They pretend to don't know the word NO. But they always say YES to those exploit them.

[@kimlarsson7259]

When the narcissist has a strict agenda for you and is never pleased, it's a nightmare. You are constantly watched and corrected and you're always wrong and on the wrong spot. Oh the horror. When you're fast, you're told to slow down. When you're slow, you are whipped and told to move. And don't forget to be relaxed and spontanous. The narcissists wants to see happy people... I actually lived like that.

[@DrLesCarter]

That's their imperative thinking, and it is not fun. Dr. C

[@bluegrassgirl2972]

I heard someone use an illustration of freedom being like a train on the tracks. There are consequences if the train doesn't remain on the track or disobey the rules of operations but the conductor is free to take the train anywhere. Something to consider.

[@susanmunoz7688]

I love harmony to me it’s how we have a beautiful life. A life without strife ! Thank You Dr. Carter.

[@lauriej.5706]

My mother was a dedicated member of the Communist Party USA (the old Soviet dominated CP which dissolved in 1989, 2 years before the collapse of the Soviet Union). The old CP had a saying; "Fear is the greatest motivator." That is the main way my mother motivated people. And she dispised people for caving in to it. You couldn't win with her. Another CP belief (Marxist-Leninism) was the idea that the ends justified the means. If torture and murder was required to achieve something, then it was OK. Any guilt you might feel would be attributed to "bourgeois morality" or disloyalty to the Party. Then YOU would potentially become the victim.

[@resolutebelle8761]

Oh boy! The "shoulds" and the "musts" and the "ought to" and the "have to" --- looking forward to this!

[@choosepeacetoday]

You nailed it again Dr. C. I have been guilty of this imperative thinking myself. I am in a situation where this happens way too much. It is subtle, but it is still controlling. It was done to me yesterday. I responded by continuing to complete the task without saying a word. (Free to be me)😊

[@carolnahigian9518]

they have An AGENDA, insidious & Toxic

[@vanessapehl7581]

Yes Dr. Carter another powerful video thank you....

[@beverlyorlando8040]

Valuable, educational information while I'm on my quest for healthier living! Especially since experiencing a longtime marriage with narcissistic abuse! Thank you!

[@chinookvalley]

I had teachers from elementary thru college that could either make me love learning or hate it. The ones who gave students room to think for themselves, were, of course, the best; The others who led by conditioning us to think as they did, were not. In my 60's I can see who followed whom throughout their li(v)es.

[@joseenoel8093]

When my son was in gr.10, he'd just switched schools, his math teacher had been ridiculed by the class because he'd worked for the UN as only a truck 🚚 driver, the bad teacher picked on my son for all.this. I knew I couldn't do anything about this and my son wondered why that was so I explained that the school board needed him to be there to teach next yr and would tolerate this to keep his math teacher happy. My son failed the course and went onto adult-ed passing fairly well. He got a lesson in reality whereas he'd played into the teacher's fun of pawning him into torturing him, better to have learned this at 15 than later on. Good teachers are under-rated and poor-ones are overly kept!

[@Dani-cg9hn]

@@joseenoel8093 unfortunately you failed to stand up for your child . I'm so sorry you and him had to go through this. A similar experience with my kids. He got a D grade. I went to the principal; made a stink ; pointing out A grade level students getting C & D grades; having a common denominator: the same math teacher. Unfortunately, the teacher had the principal's ear. So I pulled my children out of the school. Other parents did, others not. Result: the teacher was gone in 2 years. So was the principal. My children got to go to another school. I only regret waiting too long to take them out. Kids only have us, parents, to stand up and fight for them. Not allow them to be victims of poor teachers at the expense of their time, grades, and positive mental health wellbeing.

[@barbarabagatin8962]

Great Truth this. Same here.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I agree, one teacher was horrible, the rest, good. But that teacher ruined things. She's still teaching! I hope she retires, soon!

[@candyrushascendedphoenix8]

My last boss was like this. He ruined a lot of things for a great company..great video Dr C!

[@caterjunes3426]

Agreed: it doesn't necessarily follow that freedom devolves into chaos. In my experience, it's the opposite. My mother was an imperative thinker of the first order, and our household when I was growing up was the most chaotic environment I've ever lived in.

[@catharinepizzarello4784]

Yes. All us kids figured out how to live below the radar. A microcosm of the World we have created. We can do better.

[@carolnahigian9518]

they are NUTS,.my mom muttered, raged 24 hours a Day while ranting 24//7

[@Robidu1973]

The problem is, the more you are trying to control things, the quicker they are going to derail into utter chaos. On the other hand, try to get things sorted by inviting others to join the effort, and things all the sudden start to fall into their proper places.

[@patriciasaldanha3165]

The usual scenario is normally littered with : " Why don ' t you " - " I ' d rather you didn 't , young lady " - " I wouldn ' t do that , if I were you " - ( yeah but she ain 't me ) ▪️- Well I never - "How about ...?? " " Remember , dear , you must be consistent with your explanations , etc. " ( She can flaunt her inconsistencies in wanton fashion and it's all right and proper ) - and so unlike her normal prude and priggish behaviour -▪️ "After everything I 've done for you " - Yeah she ' s the one that let the tigers run amuck in all the arrondissements ( districts ) and also the one that distilled her venom first in the pretty canals and then into the sumptuous Seine causing the bateaux - mouches to deviate from their chartered course - and then she gets all caught up , enmeshed , entangled , ensnared in her web of lies ( worse than getting one 's knickers into knots ) .- Her lust for vicious , sombre drama is unbridled - It knows no boundaries - And then she will pounce upon you from nowhere or thin ( but polluted air ) or she may be lurking in the shadows ( or looming on the horizon) with that air of Royal Prerogative she has bestowed upon herself - and at other times with that smug , complacent , cod liver oil look which distorts , to an even higher degree , and at an alarming rate, her naturally distorted features - I 've had enough - My cup runneth over - and I 'm not talking about a bra ▪️◾▪️

[@joseenoel8093]

Oh you had me at Why don't you? Oooooo you've got malignant mom's #!

[@nancyvega1785]

You are funny and brilliant!

[@anyways661]

Narcissistic people come at you like this with a sense of urgency about getting their way. Getting their way with YOU. Routing you to do what they want, when they want, how they want. With no regard for YOU. And you're probably going to fail in their opinion, anyways! They need you to fail at meeting their demands so they can then BLAME you, even as you work to solve THEIR problem. No thanks, I'm gonna pass on that🤗

[@anyways661]

@@robertruge2916 Very true. But they have to let you talk for a minute, before getting down to business... It's part of "The Deal"🙄

[@christineplaton3048]

My narcissist used silent treatment alot. The few words he spoke to me each day were commands. Demands. Do this. Do that. It was his need to control everything in our family. It meant I had no rights. He ruled and it was his way or the highway.

[@mihaelaclaudiap..2]

I am so against everything that has to do with the word ''imperative'' and ''authoritarian'' !! These words are not part of my vocabulary, and if people around me are in a way connected to these words, I tend to stay away from them! Great topic, made me think!

[@ahdell5536]

Are you talking of an authoritarian, imperative, condescending person who bosses around and discredits all my actions...How did you get to know my mother??? Earliest memories I recall go back when I was 3 years old, subsisting till today.

[@ahdell5536]

You haven't finished expressing your thoughts when you hear, "What you have to do is..." "You are supposed to..." Close minded. Rigid mind. Stubbornness. No listening. No empathy. Dr. Cartes can't be more assertive about this issue! Thank you.

[@sharonmonathcohen3642]

Ever hear 'It is your fault. You are always putting me down'. How about that I am REACTING to your passive aggressive wording

[@DrLesCarter]

That's the imperative mindset! Dr. C

[@ahdell5536]

@@DrLesCarter I appreciate your reply, Dr. Carter.

[@jenlya3783]

Great video as usual...very interesting and I caught glimpses of myself while you were talking...lol...definitely going to be more aware of this

[@victoriaalgra3675]

I just allowed my mover to be free from hearing my command 3 time’s in a row of laying a piece of marble on it side in the truck he insisted that it was fine down flat.. I was saying “ I’ve done this several time’s and lived in Italy you should try it my way I don’t want it to break ... please lay it on its side.. Im steady and ask someone to listen to me again and so frustrated because I’m considered bossy or imperative.. and now the Marble piece was broke in half after they unloaded yesterday. Meanwhile is it me? Because I’m not trying to be right so I’m confused how people don’t think things through 😏

[@KoVurt]

All very well and good but I'm not going to stand there explaining myself to every narc I come across...no ones got time for that...

[@DrLesCarter]

Nor should you. Dr. C

[@sarah-nm6dt]

When does this start? it's imperative that I watch this! 😐

[@leonap4814]

Sarah tomorrow 7:00am

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

👍😉

[@rebeccaarcher3851]

Oh boy! You just described one of my parents! What destruction was visited upon our family because of this!

[@shanti5718]

I am so grateful for your advice Dr. Carter. Thank you so much for sharing your insights with us, it truly helps more than you might think 🍀🙏🏽

[@katiepayne2479]

Anyone else loving all the bears 🐻 in the room?

[@cyndigooch1162]

I certainly do!!! 😍

[@joehernandezjrjr1144]

You noticed too 😀

[@marinat187]

It's only one bear and it's on the painting. The other two are different animals.

[@availanila]

I'm dealing with such a person that is also very narcissistic. She's been criticizing everything I do for the oast seven months abd accruing any good thing (to her standards) I do to her "mentoring" and it's just too much. A few days ago she sabotaged me in public abd I was humiliated then trued to criticize abd lecture me when I was angry at her; I took a diplomatic path and told her I was too angry to listen to her criticism abd had my own complaints abd criticism abd left. She's told *everyone* am an AH, don't respect my elders, am ashaming my parents by my poor behavior, abd has been actively trying to defame be abd get me fired/demoted from my position for whatever I said that she took so much offense to.

[@robertbushee]

Faithful from France and vacationing in North Carolina with "textbook" cases so I found today's video positively brilliant. Many thanks for your inspiration and the sharing of your knowledge; it is all so very useful. Will keep in contact when I get back to France. Best wishes for a Happy Holiday season. Robert Bushee

[@DrLesCarter]

So pleased, Robert. Hope you get to visit Ashville. One of my favorite places. Dr. C

[@craigmerkey8518]

Amazing details and break down of this communication style. I can respect someone who is an expert like a professional that has education and experience who gives advice. However what I do not respect is the validation seeking chameleon who morphs their opinions depending on the perceived recognition of their audiences! Nothing is more maddening than someone that loves spouting answers to questions no one is asking!

[@michelekurlan6489]

Steeped in it growing up and can be this way. It can cross over into abusive behavior towards myself and others. It's a form of bullying. Whatever I dole out to others I have a very generous portion reserved for myself and it starts with me. this is a tough one and this was a tough video to get through. The seed of awareness is planted. Can work with that.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

My mother is more like “I don’t understand why you want to....” Now I’m just like yeah. I know you don’t understand it, Bcuz you’re so obtuse. Independent moves like the process of working out our own decisions is so foreign to them. She’s so much like why are you even bothering to think for yourself? You’re not supposed to do that. 🙄🙄 SMDH. Part of this with Narcs too is rushing. They don’t give us a chance to work through all our possible options. That takes time so often and they don’t want to have to wait for that. And taking the time to consider “outside the box” options can really be the best way to go sometimes.

[@carolnahigian9518]

they want you scared-they live with DISHONESTY AND FEAR 24-7

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

@@chriswyma145 Lol. Exactly. 💯. And it’s exactly why I want a “divorce.” Lol.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

@@carolnahigian9518 So true. I agree. Subtle, passive bullying to try to make us too scared or insecure to up and leave them or deviate from their “plans for us.” (Which so often involves sticking around and staying under their thumbs). 🙄 SMDH.

[@cacatr4495]

@@goodenoughgirl8102 It's all about Control.

[@leonap4814]

Seeing him after 15 months is creepy. He grabs me where people can't see what he is doing..A judge letting him out cause he is a better lier. I'm hiding in my apt. He says if he can't find me no one will. That I'm his woman!! I'm on 8th floor one good thing.. not to go on about my head injury he knows how to confuse me. I'm mixed up he knows how to play my head. Just go back to end it....knows about DRC. I still hide the 2nd phone cause he can't find out I'm listening to DRC.

[@Butterfly-if1qs]

dr Les: really like your intro song. it's forward and positive to hear. thanks

[@leonap4814]

Yes He found me in th park with his computer whiz friend. Saw I was watching DRC then got crazier..erased all off phone. Someone called cops cause he had knife had me hostage. More..The finally got him put him in jail but he got out cop gave me phone back..I didn't know he got out. I put more on another section but I don't know where now if it matters..I should of followed my gut...when he wasn't watching someone was

[@robertbushee]

my experience in Southport is not as attractive as you how you describe Ashville; Seems here in St James Plantation we're all the over 75 crowd and not very artsy. In France where I live called "la Corrèze" we have local farmers and the trail taking earth-cruchies. They are usually the younger set.. Now and then an over 80 trail takers will appear on the scene, but it is rare.

[@1012chart]

Dr Les, thanks and I really enjoy your videos but of late there is something wrong with the sound (there is a tiny rattle to your voice) and I can't listen to it. Perhaps you can listen to the you tube version of your videos and understand what I'm talking about... If it's possible to fix it that would be great. Thanks

[@kadootje77]

We can be free to be who we are, as long as our freedom of choices doesn't imprison and / or hurt other people's freedom of choices, it must go together with respect and dignity for life now, but also for future generations....

[@qiuwbr091]

In modern cases « I would say that Judas will deliver a thousand tiny stabs- rather, than what the original Judas did. So, healing from modern Judas is going to take more incremental steps. We probably want the pain to release on one big session. I doubt it truly happens.

[@jeandunn5390]

Thank You ! Been a year since I left n now I m living in a safe place, found a job if it was not for your videos , he would of killed us . Taken back my power n have gone grey rock on him n our past! p.s. have security cams tho!

[@suzannesmith5339]

My “imperative thinking” mother does not have a desire or ability to think or communicate any other way. I finally had to go no contact because a healthy relationship was never possible unless I behaved exactly like my assigned “function”. This post explained the phenomenon of imperative thinking so much more clearly than the broader description I have used- covert manipulation.

[@christar9527]

The 2 “parents “ I got stuck with used verbal and emotional force on a continuous basis and they always put me in the worst situations which sometimes jeopardized my health and well-being. Then I married one just as bad. They don’t care if you die. They would just say “Oops.”. I’ve escaped and it feels good to be free and not scared to death all the time.

[@christar9527]

Oh, as you said, they have an assigned function for you and you must comply or they’ll get angry and tell you you’re worthless.

[@carolnahigian9518]

my mother did Cold rejection, then guilt card daily and Victim/ martyr: then Abusive dominating bully, what a piece of Work. Now life is SERENE & JOY

[@donna-colorado8443]

Yep, you never do anything right. If it isn't their way it isn't right.

[@ahdell5536]

Exactly. Being right is exclusively on their side only.

[@sharonmonathcohen3642]

You are right but when it's your child you can walk around with that pit of the stomach horrible feeling

[@bolt9110]

There is some practicality to that. But only if you change it from "right", but to "to my advantage". That way it's about making your life successful, rather than appealing to some nebulous authority that decides if something is "right" or "wrong".

[@cyndimoring9389]

finally, an explanation for why I blew up with a family member who I usually have no arguments with.

[@daretodream...898]

Did I need this TODAY! My sister is very ill and our brother traveled to her location. He now has Power of Attorney. I am researching causes and possible solutions to the situation. When I mention something to my brother that could be a cause and/or solution, he hits the ceiling with all kinds of belligerent and profanity-laced replies, calling my ideas and suggestions stupid and ranting about how and why they are stupid. I'm stepping back ... going grey rock ... And it is looking doubtful that I will even go out there and lend a hand. P.S. My sister has some form of dementia. She won't even talk with me on the phone. She refused to give me and my brother joint Power of Attorney at first, saying I was trying to control and take over her life. Then the hospital staff convinced her to give our brother POW since he was actually there. Someone needed POW just to keep her household running. She is single with no children and currently in rehab. ... for example ... I suggested the possibility of trading her pickup in for a wheelchair van. Just a possibility, mind you, and it sent my brother into a rant. ... then I suggested having the neurologist test for Lyme disease and/or heavy metal toxicity (both of which may manifest as dementia) because our sister lived in the country and also once worked at Rocky Flats Arsenal where nuclear weapons (the triggers) were made. Again, it sent my brother into a rant. Yes, I admit I may be grasping at straws, but I wouldn't rule out ANY possibility, no matter how slight, if it meant helping my sister.

[@rorywright5692]

Sometimes they just won’t let you get a word in edge wise! Why does a suggestion have to bring such wrath down! You are the one being rational! Bless you!

[@elizabethwilley1370]

May have to do with money.

[@TWILLIE639]

I am reading this 3 years later and I hope your sister recovered. Your brother is consumed with maintaining power. You will need to Be strong and you sound lovely for wanting to be so generous to your sister.

[@michaelsawyer158]

Imperative thinkers just come and should all over you.

[@helenalutzenberger9154]

I just really want to say a big thank you for sharing so much empowering and incredibly helpful information. Your videos are making a real difference to many people out there. Thank you so much, Dr Carter.

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks, Helena, for taking the time to be an encourager. Dr. C

[@LyndieLouWho]

My husband and I feel held hostage by our d-i-l. Whenever she wants a babysitter she calls and if we don't answer the phone (to avoid conflict) she shows up with the children to "ask" us to keep them. If we can't or are simply not up to it at that time she flips-out and proceeds to bad-mouth us to the children. Her mother always has her kids except when she's working and expects us to have them whenever her mother can't.

[@lindabaer6603]

Imperative thinking sounds like the military.

[@Coral_Forever]

Really useful ideas on this video. Thank you Dr. C!

[@Julie-cb4cq]

Might you consider making this into an article to have in print? So much fantastic help here!

[@irenemcnamara9699]

Imperative thinking is not always bad. For example, I may tell my daughter "You need to clean your room." She may not like to hear that, but it is a must. If I dont tell her this, chaos will result. In society some imperatives are necessary. But imperative thinking can be overworked.

[@tahwsisiht]

The problem is when someone feels the right to do it to grown people. When someone is grown and they have a developed brain: they have the right to make decisions for themselves. They have the right to make mistakes. BUT if they make mistakes, it is their responsibility. If they made the decision, they can't expect that someone else will take the consequences. The only way to grow and learn is not just making mistakes and keep making them: you have to be the one who pays for it. Nobody else should. That is not a lesson if you don't fix it or ignore its consequences. That is ignorant. That is still a child, no matter if he is 40, 50 or 80 years old.

[@BaiMengLing]

@@tahwsisiht no it's not! adults have friends and family, often kids too, and draw chaos upon their relatives if not kept in check. I think I disagree with Des Carter here because I have a huge experience of living with addicts and psychologically ill persons. They really do not own their "responsibility" and expect everyone else to clean up the mess, that is why they have to be tighly managed.

[@tahwsisiht]

@@BaiMengLing omg. That is where we are heading... ??? Who will decide that someone is dangerous to the public? A narcissist? /again, the bible did not even go into what is the right sacrifice for Cain and Abel. Everything we say is up to who says it and with what intention. Is it to honor truth or it is to manipulate it for one's purpose/

[@bolt9110]

You may want to read: "When I say No, I feel guilty". Gives good suggestions about how you can word such requests. In that example it would be : " " "I know asking you to tidy your room is frustrating. But I want you to do it". The purpose is being clear that is you wanting it, is not a requirement of being them being a "good/bad" person, or appealing to nebulous authority, or getting into to a escalating argument about who can out shame the other to get what they want.

[@tahwsisiht]

@@bolt9110 I don't feel guilty when I say no. When I say no, it is after many nice, polite requests. My hard no comes after serious disrespect of my boundaries. I choose who I want to associate with. I choose not to associate with people like these. Period. I want to be with people who know basic social rules, such as personal boundaries. I remember when my child was in kindergarten. They called it "bubble". I do not want to know someone who doesn't know "bubble" and have to be explained to him. I find it disturbing how you think it is out shaming in your "dictionary". They absolutely know what they are doing and having a meltdown because they can't get away with it.

[@annking8633]

Imperative bombardment is painful in and of itself. What's worse is if you comply and get shot down for doing it "wrong". Exhausting. Not getting on that hamster wheel anymore. I'm on team healthy. D R C.

[@DrLesCarter]

Yes, Team Healthy! Dr. C

[@joseenoel8093]

Sounds like = being narrow minded and we free spirits pay the price for their inability to see things our way!

[@bobtaylor170]

Yes. They are the most genuinely intolerant people in the world.

[@joseenoel8093]

@@bobtaylor170 thank you for the chuckle!

[@Robidu1973]

@@robertruge2916 Projection, and lots of it. If there's someone who is short-sighted, it definitely is them.

[@Robidu1973]

Exactly. The only problem is that you cannot fix stupid. That said, your best bet is to keep clear.

[@shiny7301]

I am sure people who disliked this video are narcissists. Narcissists love too much imperative thinking and speaking. They think themselves as kings or queens...

[@DrLesCarter]

You get it! Dr. C

[@shiny7301]

@@DrLesCarter Thank you Dr. Carter, we love you❤🙏🏻

[@andig2218]

Lots of people need to gain this type of thinking for sure, considering the government mandates etc, I like my freedom.. lots of complicit people out there who are closed minded.

[@bagels3050]

lol..

[@rebeccajourney3183]

I love that you are my new voice of reason Dr. Lee! You make perfect sense and are so reassuring! Thank you❣

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks, Rebecca. Glad to be on your journey with you! Dr. C

[@carolnahigian9518]

thank you from the bottom of my Heart; my 3 Toxic Cousins .I now AVOID them....... by age 5 all they did was lie, critique me, lie and scapegoat me, who needs drama? not me!

[@DrLesCarter]

You're most welcome. Dr. C

[@DannyPansters]

They have a doll house and you're supposed to be one of its occupants.

[@cairosilver2932]

I have to admit I can't buy into the idea of absolute freedom - when I drive through traffic lights on a green light I can't really accept someone t-boning my car with their car because I want them to have freedom on whether they follow red lights. Granted it reminds me of another youtube channel that suggested that if narcissists didn't exist then most laws wouldn't exist because people would mostly not need them, they'd just work out some empathetic way of cooperating together. So I don't know if by supporting the policing of narcissists I am then ironically buying into the imperative thinking of the narcissist? But I can't say I feel comfortable feeling any amount of okayness with someone t-boning into the side of me when I pass through an intersection on a green light. But when the stakes are far smaller than property damage and major harm there's more room to simply give room for someone to be as they are and put some effort into trying to form an understanding, I grant that.

[@DrLesCarter]

Common-sense consequences and boundaries (ideally) become the safeguards for freedom. That person is free to run through the traffic signal, but it will cost $500 and when done often enough, the loss of a license. Freedom is not the absence of standards nor is it the presence of chaos, but the privilege to choose. Dr. C

[@IBNED]

What is most important to you. Would you rather be right or happy?

[@jennyanderson4796]

Kinda want to send this out to some NARCS I know ❣

[@francesbernard2445]

Dr. Carter for sure healthy people can choose to refrain from imperative thinking. Sometimes the only behavioral style that someone who has less choice in how they are continuing to practice imperative thinking understand is at the time will be a clear just as bold rejection of them early on enough to make it clear that I and others will never put up with being treated like someone's doll to play with. Having compassion for someone like that next when they act hurt about it is the best thing to do next since all of us in our weakest moments can recall acting on that kind of imperative thinking while feeling way more insecure than usual. Women need to be taught how to be bold sometimes too when a situation calls for it when helping minimize loss to people. A real friend to someone is not going to let someone in one of their weakest moments get away with something that could cost them everything. Someone who does is called a pollyanna narcissistic too enabler.

[@joseenoel8093]

Better to grow, better to keep the ideas going forward and staying busy, striving for healthier lifestyles, one step at a time!

[@phyllisjunemillerjohnson15]

Always helpful. I'm so glad you decided to do the KZbin thing. :) Love it

[@echopathy]

I call them Formula Freaks.. if you put them into a situation where they have to improvise, it's amazing to watch their faces/brains gimbal lock.

[@DrLesCarter]

Yep! It's all about their agenda. Dr. C

[@leonap4814]

I have a lot more to learn! This set me back but I am strong!

[@elanahammer1076]

It’s okay to walk away from anyone who has imperative 🤔 thinking if they are yelling at you.

[@natividadnazario1381]

Diplomacy can help us Flying does not help any one Compassion without fear of being Rejected help both to grow Why not?

[@Maria_9789]

Thank you for this video.. I loved it. Each day I understand more about narcissism. And is very helpful to me. Oh and thank you for subtitles in Spanish ; this way I can refer to people who don't understand English in a perfect way. I think this subject needs to be spread more and more and not so sure in Spain people are so aware but little by little I guess it is. Thank you again Dr. C. 🌿

[@sharonmonathcohen3642]

Or, 'You gotta stop'. Oh do I want to scream

[@colleenjohnson9013]

Great information … thanks for sharing!

[@darlenesmith7487]

I shouldn't "like" your videos before I listen to them, but sometimes I do. Thank you Dr. Carter.

[@DrLesCarter]

Thanks Darlene! Dr. C

[@joywebster2678]

I am distressed to hear that someone of your caliber is going to stream on tiktok! The audience there is children and teenagers, and the divergent. Not a match. Can't imagine you twerking!

[@DrLesCarter]

Whenever it happens, I won't be doing it as a joke. Dr. C

[@judypolstra]

"Acceptance is not the same as condoning"....perfect!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I accept that the narc is a jackass, but I don't have to like the treatment!

[@catharinepizzarello4784]

Imperative thinking is important only in an emergency situation. Life or Death. I can try to talk otherwise.

[@DrLesCarter]

Exactly. Dr. C

[@patriciasaldanha3165]

I couldn t agree with you more , Doctor , when you say that your influence will grow when you dont 't feel the need to resort to coercive techniques or strategies - The Ns don 't feel the need to be loved - they want to be feared they don ' t want respect and they certainly don ' t care if they are hated because that is exactly what they want - How else wiil they be able to consolidate their power over the others ( or their position in the pecking order ) ?? And are you implying , Doctor , that happiness is a mirage , that this quest for personal growth is fraught with frustrations and pain ?? - I want to call a spade a spade - After all it is used for digging you know what - Now I 'll be positive - it is also used on the beach , to build castles but even they are swept away by the sands of time - I don 't know where you get your energy from - Sometimes and this happens when you are too weary and disheartened you wish it would all be over - And you often believe you can never really smile again - Only a handful of people make an effort in the struggle for life ( if you can call it one ) and this is what is tiring and distressing and futile - As I have said and others too (especially the girls ) this is because there are no knights in shining armour - Quite the contrary - We still ask ourselves what have we done to deserve this

[@deborahtiffany5513]

My marriage was on the brink of divorce when I realized I was the one displaying covert narcissistic traits. So I followed theses intimacy skills and became the best version of me and found out I'm really likable warts and all. Skill #1: Do at least three things a day for your own pleasure. She is of the opinion that there is a direct correlation between your self-care and your level of tolerance for your husband. She says relationships require patience and compassion but if you’re tired, frazzled or undernourished, you give your relationship little chance of thriving. She believes that focusing on your own pleasure through self-care takes the pressure off of your husband to make you happy (and she acknowledges that your happiness is your own responsibility and not that of your husband anyway.) She believes that your good mood also signals to him that he can succeed in delighting you which inspires him to want to do just that. Here, it seems to me, for a person to have fun every day reduces the demands and expectations on a husband to provide an escape from a mundane life, and you might expect that relief to encourage a positive response. Skill #2: Relinquish control of people you cannot control. She states, with a great deal of insightfulness, that “helpful” in wife language means “controlling” in husband language. She says that when you correct your man’s driving, or what he wears, or what he does at work, you are sending a message that he is not competent to guide his daily life properly. She knowingly states that unwitting criticism is an attack. This pushes intimacy away no matter how well-meaning your comments. She knows that intimacy needs safety and encouragement in order to thrive, and the intimacy vanishes with criticism. She prescribes for the woman to take a step back and trust her husband to run his own life without any help from her, and then watch him take a step forward and start acting like the man that she initially fell in love with. Skill #3 -Receive gifts, complements and help graciously Her opinion is that “receiving is the opposite of rejecting. When your husband gives you something that’s not what you had in mind, receive it anyway by saying, “you were so thoughtful. Thank you” On the other hand, deflecting a gift or a complement is rejecting the giver as well as the emotional connection you could have had, had you accepted the gift graciously. She recommends that when your husband offers to bathe the kids, accept his help graciously no matter how imperfectly he does it. Rejecting a gift, or compliments or help, contributes to reducing the quality of your relationship. She believes that if you receive gifts graciously that you’ll probably see more gifts start to come your way almost immediately. Skill #4 - Respect the man you chose. Laura believes that being respectful will resurrect the man you fell in love with. She readily concedes that you probably didn’t marry a dumb man to begin with, and if he appears to be dumb now, it’s probably because you are focused on his shortcomings. She understands that a man who feels respected by the woman, who knows him best, also feels self-respect, which is far more attractive than him cowering or bristling with hostility. She goes on to say that the lack of respect causes more divorces than cheating does, because for men, respect is like oxygen. She thinks that they need respect more than they do sex. The exercise of respect means that you don’t dismiss, criticize, contradict or try to teach them anything. It should be obvious, according to her, that he won’t do things the same way you do. And it follows that if you wanted to have that, you could’ve just married yourself. She is convinced that with your respect, he will once again do the things that amazed and delighted you to begin with. Her statement here brought to mind my recollection of the biblical encouragement found in Ephesians chapter 5 at verse 33, where Paul is speaking to husbands and wives saying that “each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband”. It seems that if respect is important enough to find its way in the Scriptures then it is certainly a skill worthy of development. I once heard a counselor state that if a wife praises her husband for being thoughtful, even though he is not thoughtful, that by hearing it enough he will be inspired to grow into that description. I believe there’s a lot of validity to that statement. Skill #5 - Express gratitude three times daily. Laura states the following: “gratitude has magical powers. It turns an ordinary meal into a feast an average relationship into a lifelong romance, and an ordinary husband into your hero.” Laura admitted that in her personal experience that she had been reluctant to thank her husband for anything because she thought that she was doing more than he was anyway, and he wasn’t thanking her for what she was doing. She also thought that he would stop doing the things that she thanked him for because he would consider those efforts as being optional. However she admits that she was wrong and that currently she thanks him for washing dishes, replacing light bulbs, and working hard at his business. She states what appears to be a truism, that the more grateful she was for what he did, the more inspired he was to do the things that she appreciated, which made her feel more cherished and adored. It strikes me as only logical that if the husband receives no appreciation for the things that he does, because his wife feels that he is supposed to do those things anyway, then it would follow that the husband believes that he is no better off than a hired hand who is doing no more than what is paid for doing. Surely, fostering an employer/employee relationship is the farthest thing from encouraging the intimacy that one would seek to enjoy in a marriage. Skill #6 - Strive to be Vulnerable Laura is of the opinion that intimacy and vulnerability are directly connected. She believes that if you want intimacy, then you will need to take the risk of admitting that you are lonely, embarrassed or hurt, or whatever admission sends the message of vulnerability. This is not a sign of weakness, according to her, since it takes a lot of strength to do that. But she illustrates that when you are vulnerable you don’t care about being right. You’re just open and trusting enough to say “I miss you” instead of “you never spend time with me”. She recommends that it simply means saying “ouch” when he is insensitive, rather than retaliating. She knows that such vulnerability completely changes the way that your husband responds to you. She encourages you to understand that vulnerability is not only attractive but it’s the only way to get to that incredible feeling of being loved just the way you are, by someone who knows you very well. She paints the picture that there is nothing like the joy of intimacy that results from vulnerability. She urges women to understand that it is really worth dropping the burden of being an efficient, over scheduled superwoman in order to have the intimacy that vulnerability brings about. The bottom line for Laura Doyle is that an intimate, passionate, peaceful relationship is not a matter of luck - it’s a matter of skill and good habits.

[@ItsPouring]

Thank you Dr. Les. This conversation was very helpful and caused a lot of introspection. You have given me something to watch out for so that I avoid doing this to others, and something to be more flexible about when I see it in others.

[@robertbushee]

I don't know Asheville, but it is now on my 'to do list' Have a great holiday.

[@DrLesCarter]

It's an artsy place! Enjoy! Dr. C

[@Jdd924]

Education is key

[@vitalule8889]

So clear way of life

[@romaineknepp6620]

Thank you ☺️.

[@elizabethdarley8646]

Dear Dr L. Carter, Thank you for your work here. It is interesting. By the way, do you know of any psychology courses which lead to BSC that stay away from Left Wing Liberal politics? As a Catholic, I would not be able to take a degree level course because these courses all require that the student agrees to Left Wing and Liberal policies such as the Movement of the LGBTQIAA., abortion, assisted suicide, divorce and socialism/Communism and opposition to the family unit and the Church of Rome. Do you know of any courses in BSc Psychology in the English language that would follow Catholic Holy Doctrine, please? Yours sincerely, Mrs S E Darley Great Britain

[@natividadnazario1381]

Well if you continue listening To these sicologists. You will end up. Living with pets,cats and dogs. Just put some water and food on the floor .Get on a shell or a bed. And be happy.!!!!!!! You eat alone on your desk!!! Because they all have problems Nobody think like you.!!!! Your pets dogs and cat will bark At your bed side in the nursing home. And the volunteers will bring you Some blankets from the neigbors. Learn to love and accept people The same way your parents And God loved you. Relationships are for sharing Widsdom and cooperate with each Other. Remenber every human being Only have one wing Get the other one to fight. Light. Light. Light. Only your father knows your Mother imperfections. Only your mother knows Your father imperfections Is a secret they carry for more than 50 Years.............

[@ioannak.4690]

What is a imperative type of thinking - Usual use of words like: have to/ must/ can't/ should/ supposed to/ ought to/

[@tesssilba9078]

Very Well Put Dr. C

[@aaronfischer9885]

"Think for yourself, or others will think for you without thinking of you." ~ Henry David Thoreau

[@izi.z2384]

@aaronfischer9885 Thats good and your so right on this, very appropriate quote.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

I have a question for you Dr. Carter. I have a narcissistic brother who rages if I disagree with him but he also does something else that is very irritating besides the rage. This brother is constantly making jokes. If he calls to wish me a happy birthday the first thing out of his mouth is a joke. He is always saying: "want to hear a joke." His jokes are not funny to me but childish and sometimes crude. He claims to be a Christian but he is "serious conversation challenged." I cannot be in conversation with him for more than two minutes without a joke coming out of him. When I have disagreed with him, he would act angry if not raging at me and when I proved him wrong he would make a joke. He would never say; "oh I guess I was wrong about that." I have come to the point that his joking is as irritating as his rages. I have also thought something was wrong with someone who cannot have a conversation without joking constantly. I felt that there is a control associated with joking in that we are expected to laugh when we might not think the joke is funny. Then they perceived something wrong with us when we don't laugh. My question is, "is there something wrong in a personality that cannot take anything seriously and expects others to laugh at foolishness? Keep in mind my brother was a sixth-grade teacher before he retired, is it possible he never grew up instead of helping the children to grow up he became like them?

[@sharonmonathcohen3642]

I'm related to one also

[@DrLesCarter]

It's his way of indicating he doesn't take you seriously. I'll address this on my live feed tomorrow on the SN channel @ 11:00 Central, U.S. Dr. C

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

@@DrLesCarter Thank you!

[@bodymindsoul60]

Excellent!

[@evadefrumerie3676]

🕊️🕊️🕊️👍👍👍👍

[@michelepascoe6068]

God gave people the capacity to think for themselves and choose what they believe, and so many people and systems try to take that away.

[@DrLesCarter]

What you say is so true. Dr.C

[@michelepascoe6068]

Thinking of the Inquisition and Communism as two examples

[@scotgat]

I would like to see some of your concepts addressed in relation to our (the United States) current political divisiveness/strife/racial disparities and violence. Perhaps you have done this already; I don't know, I have not seen all of your videos. I believe that if there is anyone who could approach such a sensitive subject in a "non-partisan" way, it would be you.

[@jennyanderson4796]

sending this non narc word video to my 18 yr old 3x HE Must, has to, got to hear this Medicinal Balm❣

[@cristinaalvarez6822]

This is my partner! Im going home for Christmas without him, my parents are 88 and i need to see them. Im afraid to tell him. Any advise?

[@wsmajewski1]

My general observation is that sometimes females tend to "should" others and culture around, and males cen get even to "shut" others when raised in a culture of exagerated imperative thinking...

[@rw4754]

Question Dr C - are some of these behaviors are not OCDs and/or folks on the Aspbergers Spectrum.

[@rebellaire55]

As I mature and veer away from the toxic conditioning of narc dad, letting go of the need to be always right is priceless

[@TC-gx3qn]

This one is a tough one for me, Dr. C. I do feel as if I am saying some if these things but it feels appropriate at the time. Will have to put this one under the microscope. 👀 Blessings from California. 🐕

[@laurakosch]

This is gold

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

It's "Impertive" for me to go to nil to no contact with my narc dad, for my protection. So sad!

[@leonap4814]

DRC DOI FACE HIM WITH PEOPLE AROUND SHOW NO FEAR, SAY WHAT DO YOU WANT IM NOT GOING TO BE WITH YOU. .THEN HE WILL ANSWER... YOU. IM ON MEDS FOR NIGHTMARES IT DOESN'T HELP... MAYBE I WILL GO TO THE TOP COPS AND SAY ID RATHER SLEEP IN JAIL.

[@leonap4814]

Frank Sinatra. "My Way" Maybe that's why my Dad listened to that

[@edithnagy4172]

Imperative soo true for the word GRANDIOSE