How To Silence The Inner Critic And Stop Being Mean To Yourself

[@rebeccajesse4604]

sometimes the downplaying is due to "being smart" being seen as bragging or as being annoying by peers. Someone recently pointed out to me that I downplay my ideas and overly soften my recommendations. They recognized it as a survival technique to get through classes so that I didn't step on anyone's toes or come off as a know-it-all. But I have been doing this for so long that now my confidence in my own ideas and recommendations has been damaged. It is amazing how much self-talk and trying too hard to fit in can have long-term effects and damage.

[@mimi_imfat]

I relate to this too. But I’ve come to a conclusion that coming across as a know it all and at times failing not being ashamed of that is so much of a better way of living. And this way you can actually figure out clearly what you’re smart at and what you’re not. The other way doesn’t even feel like living.

[@biggiganticbones]

I think listing and presenting the benefits and consequences of your ideas is what you should do? This way, it would look more, uh, professional? emotionless? neutral? serious? pragmatic? (not just how it looks to them, but also to you). Think of an acquaintance casually talking about the weather; communicating the cons of your idea would look a lot less, uh, casual? forgettable? Anyway, I think it also makes it clear to the others (and you) about what your problems are with your idea. If everyone just listens to you (saying a list of your issues with your idea without any visual aid), know that only a few would remember half of your list (Also, notice that no one is jotting down notes as you speak). Also, maybe, ask everyone else what they think of your idea? "At least, this is what I think. What about you?" Idk, but maybe this shows that you value their opinion? If people think that you are smart but you downplay your ideas, I think you demonstrate to them that you reject their opinion (of you). I think most people don't like it when their opinion is rejected. So, that's how I got that you should show that you value their opinion. If someone faces you and says that you look good, or are smart, maybe don't say "no, [insert reason here]" but instead smile and say thank you. But maybe, create some variations "oh, thank you (notice the oh)!" or "hihihihi! I'm flattered!" or chin up, leave as you flick your hair, and come back to say "just kidding." Also, add variation to the same phrase by changing the tone, but take care not to sound like you're only saying "thank you" because you are programmed to do so upon receipt of a compliment.

[@pwndpp]

@@biggiganticbones Wise words. I learned quite a lot from the comment section, but your words stuck with me. The meta talk about rejection of ideas and also accepting compliments is something worth discussing. People usually just say "You're right (but...)" and it ends like that. Only one side to the talk, making it a monologue. But the way you shared your analysis of the thoughts and tried to remain unbiased, that is a way I am happy seeing online, as it is rare.

[@Cr5pt0Puzzl3B0x]

I went through the exact same situation. I’m just now learning that my thoughts are totally false.

[@ElanaVital83]

Same. I also come from a somewhat cannibalistic home as a kid where people are constantly jealous and sabotaging each other

[@galacticman3376]

“You’re keeping the party going long after the guests have left.” Well said

[@auriculares02]

I realized that forgave the people who hurt me but I am still mean to myself. I’m crying while I am typing this. Thank you for reminding me that I also need to forgive myself, too.

[@RalphZenitram]

"YET"...Thank you! 😊

[@jackbarnes5589]

I hear several voices. Most are bad, but I hear 2 voices that are very kind to me and help me. One is even my best friend and helps with the bad voices.

[@baybaddie7883]

Omg it's crazy because I totally forgot my mom use to call me names until I watched this and I'm 30 now. This is true, plus I got bullied allot in school even by teachers . Wow I am shocked because it was like built in me by others thoughts.

[@muskmadness1]

I am going through a very bad PMS mood swing thing right now (typing this with tears) and this video helped!

[@NikiMcNally]

I have pmdd. I found supplements that got me to a place where I can actually deal with it. Let me know if you are interested and I will let you know the product names.

[@portabella6733]

@@NikiMcNally I need your recommendations too! I noticed vitex helps me to be more calm during pms, also I’m taking Mood support supplements and L tryptophan

[@sammavacaist]

Both my parents were harsh, self floggers who were relentlessly negative to me. Sadly, I had to detatch from them as an adult and now they are hurt that I keep them at arm's length. I'm STILL learning to retrain myself and struggle against their criticism and bad learned behavior!

[@lilywhite]

That technique of looking at yourself as a close friend or a child is SUPER effective.

[@christinecandee7050]

🎉😂=❤

[@jyuts4359]

I can't watch the video till the end without burst into tears. I feel so much pain. I'm grown-up woman but I still feel vulnarable and weak. My family was wealthy and brought-up from the outside, but I had very abusive mother. She was so harsh to me and to my siblings. We still suffer from her influence. I had everything as a child. Mom spared no expenses for me. I got the best clothes, toys, education. But I never enjoyed because I was expected to be better than others. And when I didn't bring what mother expected she beat and humiliated me. But later I noticed that my successes and failures actually don't matter. It depended only on momther's mood. Father was also a victim of her abuse. They used to fight all the time. He prefered to go to his friends, sleep in the workplace, so mom took her anger on me and siblings. I always felt shitty. Still do.

[@LuDel95]

Sorry to hear that. ❤️ God bless you.

[@InnerWorkGuideShobhali]

Dr. Marks, I love this idea of adding 'yet' to our self-critical thoughts - a simple yet powerful tool to foster a growth mindset. It’s amazing how a small word can shift our perspective towards progress and potential. Also, your suggestion to treat ourselves with the same kindness and compassion we would offer a friend is a reminder we often overlook. This video is a valuable resource for anyone looking to cultivate a more supportive and positive inner dialogue. Thank you for sharing these actionable steps!

[@fullscorpion5285]

Ive been working on this for years. Thanks for giving extra guidance. I used to berate myself constantly but its happening very little now. I started treating myslef like i do everybody else, and over the years its made a huge impact. After multiple strokes by the time i was fourty, i decided F my expectations and what i perceived as expected of me. Its amazing to go from self hatred to acceptance, and im working on the love part. I hope these tools will further make me a better person. Thanks doctor.

[@NikiMcNally]

My childhood was terrible. I have DID because it was so bad. However, this concept can even be applied to alters struggling with self hate and overly critical thinking. Teenage parts really struggle with this. Also, with DID, the brain can compartmentalize the person who abused you and that can become another critical part that needs to be worked on. Thank you! Great video for me and my system!

[@AllyMcPhee]

Can alters be subtle and can you remember the switching

[@ScapegoatAngel]

​@@AllyMcPheeyes

[@ScapegoatAngel]

@NikiMcNally same here, but add schizoaffective to the mix and here i am trying to get rid of those thoughts but it's like they have a mind of their own. Definitely not an alter responsible for them, and i know they're just holding me back, but when i sit down and try to work, the criticism floods my brain and won't go away.

[@rachelsbehavior]

Hello. I just wanted to say I appreciate these videos that you post. I personally struggle with mental health issues including bipolar disorder and adhd. Watching your videos have opened my eyes to my options and I have been able to manage my mental health a lot better. It has improved my sense of self along with my relationships. Although I am still on my journey, I am glad to know there are tools for me to get through it. Your videos helped save me from myself and I can’t thank you enough for what you do. They truly gave me the tools to save my life. It also is refreshing as a woman of color to see another woman of color anoint the world with much needed knowledge. You truly are a blessing. Thank you 🙏🏽

[@MuddyHuddy259]

❤❤

[@ciera_danyel]

Wow!!!! “It’s ok to be grey”. This is incredible, and life changing. As someone who has been working to demolish my black/white thinking, I needed that reminder today. I’ve grown so much this year from watching your videos and by changing the way I speak to myself. Thank you so much for digging into this dr marks.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

You're welcome! I'm so glad you found it helpful! 😊

[@TheHorseshoePartyUK]

Recommended reading: The Healthline article on "Black and White thinking How it Limits You and How to Stop" and also Psychology Today: "Mitigating Absolutist Thinking". "Nearly everything we think of as dichotomous is actually spectral" - John Green. Then one of my own little maxims "Nearly everything is relative is a 100% correct Absolute statement" - The Horseshoe Party UK. 😋

[@grayire]

it's also something I try to do, see my name haha

[@gaurs230]

Yeah same here I was told exactly the same by my own therapist I ahve attachment related post traumatic stress as well so I really take time adjusting to a new place as such, for me me home is the only place that makes me happy

[@Rodney-1972]

I thank you Dr. Marks for inspiring me to began my PhD in Counseling Psychology next year. These videos have helped me through my Masters program. I've quoted you in my papers. Thanks so much!!

[@rar8267]

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[@TheHorseshoePartyUK]

Yes I'm going for a similar but different approach. I haven't got the time energy or money to chase up a PhD. Instead, aiming for something like Counselling. Less stress, responsibility, less pay but also get earning sooner and I need to do that ASAP!

[@Mushroom321-]

THE LEARNING OF " GROWTH MINDSET " .IS super crucial.. If ONLY I could've known the concept in elementary. I would've never quit violin. I loved the violin. 🎻

[@ancientromewithamy]

Great video! I see this in a lot of art and writing groups, like people thinking "I can't paint that well!" No, you "can't paint that well..yet!" Stephen King wrote that you have to get the bad writing out before you get to the good writing, and so on. I just worry that the fixed thinking leads to people not enjoying things like doing art and music, because they think you have to be born playing the piano well to ever get good at it. Or you need "natural talent" and they think people aren't working at getting better at things all the time. These videos have helped me a lot though and I recommend them to everyone!

[@williamperryjr1324]

Thanks so much for this!! My inner critic has been really cruel on me, saying my writing is terrible, and I will never succeed! I just tell him, that he works for ME!

[@spencer0909]

On top of being bipolar 2, I am an artist so you def challenged a lot of the negative self talk I (unfortunately) engage in with my brain. Thank you.

[@ancientromewithamy]

There is so much self-doubt and negative self-talk in art groups online sometimes, people starting out and yet comparing themselves to a person who's been painting for 50 years, not realizing they should be the best version of their own art rather than a poor imitation of the art of others, etc. I went to school for art and still had trouble showing stuff to others for years! These videos help a lot.

[@helpinghandsolutions8665]

Dr. Tracey Marks, you are a blessing!

[@meatpopsicle_45]

This video helped me more than a year of therapy.

[@gafanisagood]

Yes, this is so me. Such a habit that I deserve to think and react differently to my failures and disappointments. Thank you, I shall keep on trying to challenge my thoughts.

[@skybudd]

As a grown man, I can admit I cried when you talked about my caregiver & and the rejecting comments. I was just raised so wrong & am I trying hard to change. I just don't know how...

[@jakehadlow5993]

Go off, Tracey! Slay them intrusive thoughts.

[@thecatsbackyard4833]

Well now this is constructive. It takes work though. This is something that requires practice.

[@bordendonna]

I got a kick out of “i’ll never be able to…” as involving fortune telling 😂 thank you! Very good video

[@PyoreBliss]

I don't know if it was intentional but the small bell chime that sounded when you introduced the next point was SOOOO helpful for me; I'm easily distracted if I'm not hyper-focused. 😅 Wish I had something like this to help me out IRL. Like when that critic in my head gets too loud. 😢

[@Melissa19f]

Great video! I will need to watch this one repeatedly.

[@Warlanda]

Dr. Tracey, you are such a wonderful and inspirational person; thank you!

[@nana_ama_rose]

Just realized I’ve been so harsh to myself for all these years 🥺. I’m so sorry dear self 🥺

[@rambhattacharjee1850]

Feel vulnerable many times, loosing inner strength many times, feels like dealing a different critical human inside

[@kulka92]

Love watching your videos but today I am awed. You literally described my today's experience at work where I was congratulated by supervisors on delivering month-worth of work within target with a lot of improvements and in my mind all I did was think "Nice and all, but be honest with yourself, all you do is tell other people what to do. It's them who actually work." I did not notice that trap at the moment. I am aware of my impostor syndrom after being promoted several times within a few months - and thanks to your videos I am handling it much better now - but now I see I have more things to work on. Thank you! After this realization I saw something that is now so easy to see. My team reflects my standards that I require and lead with and we all work honestly, but within different fields. I feel much lighter now. Thank you

[@wtpiv6041]

Thank you for this. It’s a journey to effectively change my default assumptions about myself, but I even being able to recognize that I don’t have to be stuck where I am and can change something that seems so insurmountable gives me so much hope and is really exciting to even consider!

[@EphemeralProductions]

Having people like the ones i have around me who are picky and critical and impatient with/of me, does NOT help. And many people these days have that personality. I’m very sensitive so when they do that to me, i take it in automatically and it bothers me. Considering this, it makes me wonder if I’ll ever escape that self-talk.

[@mynameisyamell187]

You will. Talk to yourself nicely everyday and choose to be kind to yourself even when those around are being harsh with you. Good luck to you❤ Understanding who I am in God’s eyes also helped me a lot move on from my inner bullies.

[@trudibarraclough478]

This is true for me as well. I think that getting rid of the thoughts is unrealistic, but to practice catching myself each time and not following the story. It's harder when I am tired. Stay strong and keep trying.

[@morethanamess1980]

Already started to calm down, will definitely watch this again

[@YoAuntyMihkoh]

As a parent with a deep inner critical- this was jarring. I gotta get better for myself but also my kids.

[@smurfystef]

You don't know how poignant and well-timed this video is for me. Thanks Doc.

[@strawberry9497]

I’m the one who decided how I treat myself. But awareness is the first step on seeing and critical

[@Lkmsundastood]

Thank you for this Dr. Marks

[@tornedsky]

one thing that helps me is zooming out from your internal world. its kind of like thinking > feeling or objectivity > subjectivity. then you realize how insignificant you and your problems are, thus there is really nothing to worry about.

[@samalex2180]

I really feel in a lot of your videos you're speaking directly to me. It is really comforting, thank you.

[@kevvgeorge]

thank you so much!! im basically on my own "wanted" list, the voices in my head are just too loud to silence these days. everyone around me has their life put together (or atleast on the outside it looks that way) and it seems like im the only one thats still figuring out how and what to do. i feel like im not worthy of even the good things that i have in my life, and RESENT the good things that are happening to me rn. IM LITERALLY MY OWN WORST CRITIC

[@KathyBGood]

i relate! 2 sayings I learned that might help: "Compare, despair!" and "Never compare your insides to other people's outsides."

[@kevvgeorge]

That makes soo much of sense!! We'll ofc it's been 2 months since i posted that comment, things haven't changed much but i do feel a lot better..Thank you so much!

[@Alex-jd2yx]

I think this particular subject and video is really putting most things that poison a human mind in a nut shell and at least the strongest basis for chronic and mild illnesses being able to learn the basic fundamentals of keeping growth and stability in check, thanks Dr. 😃

[@maritapinkstaff3199]

I am so thankful for the knowledge and guidance you share here. I am bipolar and your videos help me so much. I am wondering if you would consider doing a series on autism and coping strategies or can you recommend a channel that you really like that can help my teenage son?

[@EM-hq9nx]

Struggling with this topic today again. So thank you for the video! Greetings from Germany ❤️

[@glammarose]

I had a rough day and I took time to hear my own thoughts and to cry and allowed myself fhe space to finally understand what one of my issues is. I realized my internal monolog is negative, and I talked to that voice like how I would to a friend. I didn't discover this video until after my episode, but talking to myself like a friend helped me figure out an issue I've had for a while and I was able to verbalize it to my husband and we had a conversation about it and I found peace and clarity. I'm going to utilize some of these other suggestions as well for next time.

[@amasterofone]

I can totally tell that I internalized both my mom's critical voice and my first husband's who was abusive. Its difficult to sort out what is reasonable self critique with an abusive background.

[@luismontijo7328]

You're the BEST, Dr. Tracey!

[@purplechili2512]

I'm working with my therapist on these and you helped me immensely yet again. Much love x

[@amaraw9893]

I didn't know what to call this but your videos helped me understand a lil bit more about myself. I've definitely been in this gray area a lot more than I have in the past. I used to let everything get to me and everything that wasn't what I thought was just a failure. Ion know what changed my mindset tho. I started talking to myself whenever I'm stressed and I guess it helped. The inner critic is still hard at work though. Im still scared that there's no point in applying myself when someone else is better anyways. Edit: oh dang thats exactly what you said too. I started typing stuff in my lil note pad to try to understand why I think the way I do and it's all rooted in the past. I'm still not over it tho. I've forgiven but I haven't forgot...

[@Bryce.W]

Thank you @Dr. Tracey Marks,. Your videos have been instrumental in tackling my mental health struggles from ADHD, to low self esteem to RSD to videos like these. 😊🙏🏽

[@tonytunzat]

I need this so much today. Thanks 🙏🏼

[@MattieAMiller]

Something I started doing to fight my mean thoughts is I will 'tattle' on myself to my husband or a very close friend. When it's just in my head, it sounds reasonable, but as soon as I speak it out loud to someone else, it becomes really clear how much of a bully I am to myself.

[@christinecandee7050]

🎉😂❤

[@santaniason]

Thank you, Doctor Marks!💕

[@davecsaszarable]

This is such an excellent video. Love how you list the tools we can use to get the help we need. Thanks a lot

[@redlilly4016]

I messed up my son, I think, he’s struggling with what “I think is mental illness “ He’s been diagnosed with depression, but sometimes the way he speaks and lashes out makes me think that there is something more going on with him … in which makes me think that I really screwed my kid up, he’s 20. Your videos makes good sense to me and I have shared your videos my son to only get told by him that stuff like this is bull crap… I wish that I could find him a therapist that really cares and could really help him, me as well. Or us together, He refuses to see a therapist, he thinks that I’m always trying to pawn him off or something. I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed lately. So I hope my rant makes sense. … prayers for all and prayers very much would be appreciated by all! Thank you 💚

[@ilikaplayhopscotch]

Thanks for linking this in part one! Not even the algorithm (praise be) managed that!

[@MuddyHuddy259]

This is excellent. I have been helped so much by challenging thoughts my own therapist suggested it, and I was amazed at how quickly it worked..

[@michellewebster3611]

I adore you!!! Thank you for what you do!

[@Brains60099]

The doctor is so smart.

[@andrzejmaranda3699]

Dr. Tracey Marks: for me, this is a VERY VALUABLE & IMPORTANT video!

[@ArmiEarlam]

This is an awesome channel. This RN appreciates you. Thank you.

[@TheHorseshoePartyUK]

"Who is the thinker of thoughts? Just a thought. Who is the watcher of those thoughts? Also just a thought" - Alan Watts. "Who is my Master? He who decides what I do or do not like" - Epictetus "It's the truth I'm after and the truth never harmed anyone. What harms us is to persist in self-deceit and ignorance" - Marcus Aurelius "Be water" - Bruce Lee's philosophy very very oversimplified. "Strive for perfection, but do not chuck tantrums if you cannot achieve nor receive it. If absolutely necessary, truly no other choice, accept the lesser evil" - The Horseshoe Party UK. "Day by day, what you do is who you become" - Heraclitus "We are more often frightened than we are actually harmed" - Seneca ""If you're going through Hell, keep going [through]" "Solitary trees if they grow at all, grow strong" - Sir Winston Churchill" "The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm" - Aldous Huxley "All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a Philosopher" - Ambrose Bierce.

[@tarunreddy1803]

feels like my mind chatter.. thankyou

[@chironsthea607]

thank you!!!

[@Mushroom321-]

Perfect explanation of what the subconscious interprets!

[@faithm.8958]

Thank you VERY VERY MUCH again!!!!!😭🥰🥰🥰

[@JuanasDiaries]

Thank you.for your helpful video.❤

[@TaylorElizabethHunt]

Thank you Doc

[@rimuruslime23]

Every time I see an artist making a full time income with art that I can easily do (achieve in my style, not that my style is better than theirs) but I hear my mother telling me at age 13 that art isn't a career.

[@rambhattacharjee1850]

Very very very true doctor Tracy❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@viniciusvyller9458]

Dr., you are a hero!

[@mnmlst1]

I want to be very rich so I can be able to afford being Dr. Tracy's client. She's by far the best professional ever.

[@ishansharma5352]

Your hair style looks cool

[@neemawarrakah5724]

Thanks for sharing your knowledge and experience Dr. Marks. You have no idea how much people benefit from your videos! Bless you!

[@pongsakornonnim1845]

This would be a long run for me. Thanks you for your contents.

[@laily3995]

finally i found these great videos, thanks a lot Dr. Tracey

[@jackmarshall757]

Pretty much what im currently starting to work on in therapy

[@TruthTraumaTheology]

Love this Tracey! I plan to engage this as well using IFS over the next few months. I am excited to see a psychiatrist speak about this issue.

[@SheebaElite]

Loved this.

[@NotAffiliated]

Dr Sam Vaknin has a bunch of highly technical material about a "negative interject" which is his term for a voice in your head that won't stop dissing. They are long winded, but they helped me out a lot. This version by Dr Marks is infinitely more easy to digest.

[@christinecandee7050]

🎉thank you may need to do more homework with your references

[@NotAffiliated]

@@christinecandee7050 What are you talking about? All I'm saying is that she is right about this stuff and if you want to seriously geek out on it and if your willing to get into the long winded speeches of Dr Sam Vaknin you can learn more about it from him.

[@BryanrasonCa]

Fantastic

[@corylcreates]

ahhh so glad for the follow up!

[@negin5188]

Thank you so much!

[@michaelmode]

Thank you

[@pure_zzzz7326]

thanks for making this video

[@PlanetThrillz]

I love you, thanks 🙏🏿

[@chandimaubesekara-nj6gk]

Thankyou🎉🎉🎉

[@ninjamanfella]

Love these videos

[@That.Lady.withtheYarn]

I relate to this

[@cloverlengocphuong2197]

video imported in my head.

[@EV4UTube]

I'll confess that I'm not keen on the idea of 'challenging' the inner critic. I have found more success with Dick Schwartz's strategy of being curious and compassionate with the Inner Critic and understanding what it is the Critic is attempting to protect you from.

[@lacolem1]

Near the end of the semester, this is definitely needed

[@deborahbeckerson2614]

I love your insights and knowledge of people and their behavior thank you for your good works to help people!!

[@Charlotte-ft6ml]

could you make a video about limerence and breaking from the cycle of limerent fixation? thank you so much for your knowledge. ❤

[@emilybitzel7242]

Excellent.

[@michaels2208]

Sometimes things happen when they need to. I just started a group at the VA using more dbt. I'm optimistic, but being kind to myself seems impossible most of the time. I've been a bad person for so long and hurt so many. I have a hard time believing I deserve to be happy.

[@thatdutchguy89]

Really good video thanks

[@BloomByCC]

You know why I'm here ❤