The Hidden Cost of Staying Hidden with Your Partner & Family!

[@carloguerrero6583]

If people around you pressure you to live a stressful life, never deviating from that role, then they love the image they have of you more than they love you

[@DavidGodley-n6j]

I started to transition more than 20 years ago but a short time later I had to stop because it was interfering with my occupation. Now that I’m retired and most of my family is gone I’m starting over again. I’d already done away with my facial hair long ago so I’m on my way again. Nobody to bother me this time.

[@gradientcube]

Sorry you had to deal with that :(. Wish you the best.

[@FlintTD]

Dysphoria absolutely disconnects you from yourself. And when you can't be present in your own life, you can't be present for your loved ones.

[@allisonbaker-t5z]

great video. don't forget guys, happiness comes from within.

[@ma-sa1986]

I resonate with this video lots, when I “came out” to my wife the first thing she told me was “I know, I’ve known for awhile and have been waiting for you to tell me.” I thought I hid my dysphoria and being transgender well, but apparently I didn’t… I would love to see a video with tips on “coming out” to parents, siblings, and extended family. That seems to be what I (and others I know) have a hard time dealing with. I’ve also noticed a BIG difference between someone telling you they accept you and telling you they support you.

[@kerensa2781]

Over 40 years I've had my brains picked by many many medical professionals and none of them talked more sense than you. I came out 30 years ago but was despised by everyone, so after 9 months I went back into the closet for the sake of my family. I came out again 2 years ago and I'm finally the REAL me, but regret those wasted years

[@BobbiJean655]

Truth. I resisted addressing my dysphoria for decades. And yes, it did impact ALL of my relationships. The good news is that after taking the first steps toward transition, my relationships are all better. The gender dysphoria is subsided with the associated anger issues, stress, and misery. Thank you for all that you do.

[@Aerderranissar]

My mother always says "To love others you first need to love yourself". For 32 years of my life this was totally foreign concept, I just couldn't understand how it is possible. Last two weeks was very difficult in terms of self discovery, but I finally understand what that phrase means. Still a long road ahead, but I'm not alone anymore - I have myself to walk this path with.

[@brendaeagles]

It took to get through it but the feelings come back so it’s nice to be reminded

[@robynrox]

I think I set a positive example to my child, though I will admit that fear of rejection did consciously hold me back for a little while. But I'm more useful to my wife and child as a happy, well adjusted, transitioned adult than a miserable, depressive, non-transitioned adult, and they both accepted me, thankfully.

[@bradleyvanderwesthuizen4271]

I lost my marriage to this and I tried to keep this from my 20 year old son which was a complete fuck up. Every cis gender partner I had felt everything you described, especially being intimate. Thank you for this Dr Z ❤

[@BeckiLynn_N]

Haha, first comment. Good video, Doc. As usual, spot on. But, after two marriages each over 15 years long, the reality is different from the ideal. I've quit even trying to have a successful relationship.

[@ariaferger822]

I have been having a real hard time trying to justify spending 10s of thousands of dollars on my external transition. I worry about my wife’s retirement and my son’s college if I use that money on myself. I’m retired now, at 67, with little financial retirement due to health issues in the past decade. I’ve been working with my insurance company to see how much could be covered. I need to “finish” my gender transition. Life stuck “in between” really sucks. I’m noticeably trans. I am now pursuing electrolysis leading to FFS this year. GRS latter. I started my transition 5 years ago. I love your videos! Peace…Aria

[@des-trina]

My relationships with everyone in my life (bar the transphobes in my family, like my parents) has only improved, and greatly so, since I started transition 10 months ago. My relationship with my daughter, especially, has only gotten better. I'm her favorite person, and we both support each other as parts of the LGBTQIA+ community.

[@DRZPHD]

That’s so great in regards to your daughter!

[@DalindaHolbert]

As a straight woman that has discovered about my significant others secret, the man i spent 7 years with and thought i had found my forever person, it was a huge gut punch to my self esteem when i discovered their secret life. It makes you question if the entire relationship was a lie. The best thing you can do regardless of what youre afraid of losing is to be honest. You deserve that but mostly your family does. Especially if there are children in the household. Dont hold someone emotionally hostage.

[@DRZPHD]

I appreciate your candid sharing and I am sorry this has happened to you. It is so scary for many to share that part of themselves and even if it is scary, I completely agree it is the right thing to do. There is no relationship if there is no honesty and in the very least, the partner deserves to know.

[@DalindaHolbert]

@DRZPHD as scary as it is for them, it's absolutely life destroying for those that have spent years believing in a future that doesn't exist and the years felt wasted building a life built upon sand. Regardless if that was the intent or not that sadly is the result for not only me and my child but many countless people.

[@shannonm.townsend1232]

What happened after you found out

[@davidyoungquist6074]

Very much in this position, and taking tiny steps at a time. When my dad passed away in October, it set off a cascade of things that I have been dealing with, not the least of which is disphoria. I did talk to my wife about setting an appointment to be tested by an endocrinologist to determine if intersex is part of the equation. That appointment is for later this year. By then, my first grandchild will be here as well, so it promises to be an interesting year. Thank you, as always, for some great advice and content.

[@NathanWamsley-gn6tc]

Dr. Z you are wonderful! I am so glad I found you. When the student is ready the master will appear. Bless you with all my heart.

[@matthewshelton1975]

I love my wife too much to see her leave if I do anything to transition. She says she has to be selfish by asking me to desist if I want to stay in this marriage. She has been through so much worse trauma from problems in her childhood compared to my dysphoria; I can see how she needs me more than I could need to do something beyond just coping and getting therapy.

[@bradleyvanderwesthuizen4271]

I'm living proof to myself and others that not living truthfully leads to an absolute mess. I'm on HRT and doing everything in my power to present and live as I should today. The word authentic does not give it justice to what we experience living with gender Dysphoria. Gender Dysphoria in my opinion is a highly complex medical condition affecting so many facets of one's life.

[@BridgetMinton]

They are having an affair but with themselves. I understand exactly what it it is like to be fighting this battle within a family as a child and staying just to take the parental abuse and anger instead of letting it be imposed upon my younger siblings, I did this for probably 13 years and waited until I was completely on my own and self sufficient until I transitioned. This process also denied me my teenage years and young adulthood where the exploration of self and dating and relationships is done. Once I transitioned I threw myself into my work in order to achieve the success that was expected of me, but when I was offered additional education by my father after I had transitioned I understood that I would need to choose between living the life that was who I am or living under his rules and hating that person to the extent that I was a risk taker with my life and health.

[@jimjones7912]

This video speaks so strong and direct! I'm 10 months on HRT, I have listened to attacking criticism from my wife who not only calls me selfish, but, labeled "sick" and that the devil has ahold of me! My daughter is very supportive. Disphoria does take up a lot of time and effected the course of my life. 5 marriages, gave up my career . I will continue, but she may not . I agree that I must be honest, I cannot suppress Ny longer! Thank you Dr. Z❤❤

[@rcramos5615]

I'm at a situation where I believe coming out to my parents will cut off their financial support. I live away from them most of the year due to my job, and the pay is awful, but I've been living so happily. Coming home for the holidays was excruciating. All the mental symptoms before I left home and found myself came back, but now I'm aware of them and it hurt. I tried dropping hints and questions on my parents about transgender topics, but they were all met with severe negativity. As such, I think I'll only be ready to come out to my family when I complete my masters degree abroad that I plan to take next year. That's when I can no longer worry about them cutting ties with me.

[@AlatheD]

In my late 40s I've come out as trans masculine/a trans man. When I started to figure it out, I did have a partner. I (probably not a good method) introduced her to my packer. It was not the primary reason we couldn't stay together, but it shined a light on one of the bigger issues in our relationship. She wanted a girly partner, to do girl stuff with. Even when I fully identified as she/her, I was never that kind of person. That conversation would never have happened, I think, if I hadn't shared my intentional shift toward masculinity. Her negative reaction did not encourage me to continue, to come out. But I had learned enough about myself that I was *absolutely* not willing to backtrack. I probably would have figured myself out a couple of years earlier if she had accepted it, but I don't blame her for anything.

[@Secondary-f8w]

I hate how right this video was. yes sometimes ive lashed out against my loving partner and its because of all this pent up anxiety i have about not transitioning...

[@AntonyWhite-h5v]

I have come out to my family, but my family will not accept my transition they are trying to force me to not be who I am. So many derogatory comments. Hurts so much.

[@SpaceWitch144]

I would suggest for you to understand, that most people deny reality of our struggles, and simply can't understand us. When you'll get exhausted too much, to protect yourself you'll stop caring about their opinion on this topic.

[@Jakie_8]

Thank you so much Dr Z, this is the situation i am in. So many thanks for this video. I am trying to get out of this one day, this helps me a lot for the first steps.

[@lampjaded]

This was a hard one for me. I'm glad I was able to disclose SOMETHING to my future wife 18 years before it came to an absolute head. Part of it was that I was my own first barrier. I was actually a bit angry at it looking like my coping mechanisms were failing. I was so scared to say something. This feels selfish in part because we're used to suffering through it because we're scared what this might do to ourselves and to our family units. When I finally said something, the conversation got glossed over really fast and I thought that was the last opportunity, but it came up again a week later, topically, after she'd had some time to think about it. Part of what helped was that she KNOWS I would never ask something like this unless I had a real need for it. I was also extra fortunate to be married to someone who projected what I MIGHT want in future after that *even though I was dead sure I wouldn't*. She was more correct than I was. Promising not to continue or do certain things can backfire because you're usually well beyond a crisis state when you ask and honestly just *new brain development* can change your needs. I know not all kids are okay with things. Mine were. I'm not sure what's common among the kids who aren't and what makes the difference; I hope someone can help figure that out. Mine were good, and part of it was that gender expression at home was a thing. 'All of a sudden' might have been different; I don't know. Maybe peers or relationships make a difference as well. I kept things open for communication, but they had far fewer questions than I thought. I worried about them at school; their schools were good. Schools with unchecked bullying might be a problem? It's also a bit aggravating because the way many of us fight this, we're often even well past 10 years into marriages before these things come to a head and that's years of predictability and all that can be extra scary to upset. But...yeah, if you don't deal with this, your own mental state will get worse: preoccupied, interrupted, foggy, desperate to escape or for altered states of consciousness, sometimes from bad sources. I'm 6 1/2 years into transition now. Our family is entirely together, fortunately. The big worries are external, not internal. If not for impending fascism, my mind would be honestly clear and I'd been learning languages and writing fiction at this point. Hypervigilance sucks but the dysphoria is gone and that is an absolute marvel to behind. No big sads or secrets.

[@vanessaleblanc2583]

What a great and insightful comment. Particularly the unease you were experiencing and your partner anticipating changes in the horizon. I can relate and totally identify with the frustration many of us feel because we let life continue without meaningful action to understand and overcome those self imposed barriers, until something has to break. Nevermind that afterthought, after finally taking that first step, of realizing most of that heaviness could have been avoided a lot sooner! It's almost cyclical how that avoidance mechanism works. Well, I'm very happy for you and your family. Glad you've all made it happen. External influences do matter to some and that goes for kids and adults. Making the effort to find like minded people is often a positive experience, especially for kids since they are impressionable. Last, I do hope some of those folks (you know who) realize said impending fascism won't work for them either. I'm Canadian and most of us are already hoping things won't get worse for our neighbours. Stay safe and live on!

[@lampjaded]

@@vanessaleblanc2583 I often share my experiences being "trans adjacent" in my 20s when I thought I was "just a crossdresser", ended up mostly socializing with the trans gal crowd, but played the compare game and thought I wasn't really trans, even with *several* of them gently suggesting I maybe talk to their friendly psychiatrist (J. J. Miles in Calgary at the time). But the honest truth is that if I had room left to suffer in, I would rather have done that, and though it was a mistake, I cut ties with the trans community "out of respect" so they wouldn't have to deal with "just a crossdresser" in their midst. I appreciate a lot of Dr. Z's videos that mention things like that, at least to try breaking through that stubbornness, even if we won't listen. The other thing really is that it's a bit harder to see the positives. Dysphoria turning down is really hard to imagine until you get there, and no longer having to pay the mental cost of masking. We keep going until we have to avoid the...ultimate negative, as it were; would that we could just do it because it would help rather than save us. Fascism is starting at home. I'm in Alberta, staring at the UCP internally voting for a future bathroom bill brought for consideration by the incredibly odious Eric Bouchard.

[@paicina]

that is honestly i really good way to put it. that is one of the things i would often wonder which was on how would a partner feel about it, and yeah that does make sense

[@Allisonshinebright]

Uuuguuuuuuh... I'm so sick of idling. Over a year has passed with me tormenting myself with what to do regarding coming out to my wife (and eventually my kids).

[@BtbagDivine-rf4rl]

Thank u Dr Z ❤

[@DrayseSchneider]

I think what kept dysphoria from tearing me apart in the long years until I finally decided to transition was that I had come out to at least some of my loved ones fairly early in our relationships. It didn't make the dysphoria go away, but I had accepted on some level that I was a woman. Would it have been selfish to insist on my need to transition much earlier than I did? In hindsight, I disagree, and I wonder what I might have been able to accomplish had I done things differently, even if it did end some of those relationships.

[@josephbelisle5792]

Wise words.

[@evelynjacobson5203]

It's never been an issue for me. But I have some friends that had partners who claimed that they were being selfish for wanting to transition. So not a self-imposed issue, but being imposed by someone else on the trans individual to keep them from transitioning.

[@SpaceWitch144]

I think its both. Just depends from a point of view.

[@Gadget_Witch]

This is me right now

[@colmonhs]

🙌🙌

[@Jaimie-jk1hf]

🩷

[@kelsherselves9531]

Laughing in DID 😂 'disconnected from yourself' LORD 😂🪦 Im tryin' doc. My fam is always my reason, but I saw the TV glow

[@kelsherselves9531]

Oh yeah this is the one for me. Access to care is so frightening and difficult I know a lot of us don't feel like we have the energy.. most people I know in the US work two jobs, at least, and I'm in grad school... Not sure how to take the next steps, even more than afraid to. A lot of us are financially dependent on partners/family that are rabidly anti trans and it can take years to get out and have security. Navigating barriers to access would be a great topic (if you haven't covered it already) I've been targeted by your videos for months 😅 finally subscribed

[@SpaceWitch144]

​@@kelsherselves9531as you can see, having a family with kids ascends difficulty of coming out to hardcore level.