Eight Signs You're Just Being Used

[@JanetSnakehole28]

Got a friend request from a random dude who effectively said 'your friend, who uses you as a free therapist, said I should do the same, so please add me so I can trauma dump on you too'. Wasn't even asked by the original friend if some stranger could approach me, as it was clearly the equivalent of loaning someone your lawnmower, and lawnmowers don't get a say in the matter. I was already in the process of retiring from people pleasing, having started recovering from a toxic family, so this incident just removed any guilt I had about distancing myself from that original friend. Sad reality is selfishness and lack of empathy is more common than we think. Not everyone in your life has your best interests at heart.

[@caroleminke6116]

It’s now the new normal in our narcissistic culture

[@desult9045]

The nerve of that rando stranger openly stating he wants to trauma dump on you because your "friend" literally considers you a free therapist. Breathtaking in it's audacity.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

So painfully true. The cruel entitled arrogance and exploitation totally deprived of empathy and respect some people treat others with is absolutely inhumane. Evil at work.

[@caroleminke6116]

Utter darkness

[@hurricaneaquatics]

This is exactly how a narcissist will treat you once you're in the devalue stage. Glad to see your channel taking off Darren! You deserve it, congratulations!

[@mam12345-o]

Yesterday I was crying. I am a nice person, and I was used by people. 😢 Terrible feeling... wonderful lecture ❤❤❤

[@caroleminke6116]

But you have real feelings 💔❤️‍🩹♥️ they will lead you to real love by protecting you from further abuse

[@tims9434]

Respect yourself and don't be a people pleaser. You come 1st

[@SteeleMagnolia]

I learned the hard way that being nice and accommodating to so many only gets us used. I also have been a kind and generous being, but have reached my limits on my generosity, and have finally strengthened my boundaries. There are a lot less people in my life now, by my choice.

[@mam12345-o]

Thanks 🙏 ​@@tims9434

[@peneljsmith]

a lot of these sound like a childhood friend of mine. It takes a long time to get over people like this, who pretend to be friends, but actually dislike you a lot. I will never understand this.

[@SteeleMagnolia]

To discover that a so-called friend has always been jealous of you is a real eye-opener. Their pretense of friendship is the act of a coward, and a less than.

[@rebeccaliew2247]

Been in same situation too. From my experience, that ex-childhood friend of mine is insecure among us group of friends. She perceived that we are 'cooler & richer' than her. As in, we get overseas education but she didn't; we vacationed at exotic places but she didn't get to go to; we got good jobs & stay decently long in it but she seems to struggle with hers, etc. Her insecurities made her compete with us as a means to catch up + put out a narrative that she's 'competent' as us.😅😢

[@peneljsmith]

@@rebeccaliew2247 my two friends that I grew up with are still jealous because my parents weren't strict like their parents were. They seem to think that I just partied all of my adult life, and never did any cleaning when we were children. Also, I wasn't pushed to marry, so could either marry when I wanted to, to anyone I loved for real, or I could remain single. I am single, and living in a big city, while they live in the suburbs, and worry about keeping up with or outdoing the neighbours. I'm too poor to keep up with anyone, so have a more relaxed life. lol! It's the one friend who latched onto me again a few years ago, just to brag at me, who bothers me the most. The other left me alone after telling me off at my father's funeral for not marrying. I stopped talking to both of them, of course.

[@donovangray4246]

The worst for me was realizing that this using behavior was the only relationship I ever had with my mother, She used me in every way possible and when she couldn't do it anymore she just stopped having any contact with me at all. I ceased to exist for her because I wouldn't let her use me.

[@SteeleMagnolia]

I went no-contact with my 84 y/o mother approx five years ago, and it was the best life change I've ever made. She's a narcissist to the core, and will never hear from me again, nor know my whereabouts, or anything about me. This decision includes my five siblings, of whom are flying monkeys for her. I was their scapegoat, and looked down upon, because I wanted a better life than the one I suffered. I kept my distance from my family of origin, including lots of miles in between, and didn't subject my own children to the likes of my dysfunctional mother's ways.

[@dollarsmum3453]

My dad, too. I'm sorry for the lack you've suffered, dear.

[@jonbob9872]

I think this is how a lot of people become people pleasers. You deserve better. It doesn't make it okay but your mother is likely mentally unwell.

[@StellaAsh]

My sister only rings me when she's at a loose end or needs something - we've never really got on but because she is family I have always capitulated - not so much lately - I ignore her msg's more and more after I worried myself sick over one of her 'problems' and when I went back with a couple of solutions for her she stunned me by saying oh it was no big deal and she'd forgotten all about it!!

[@caroleminke6116]

You must just forget about her plz

[@beverlystover3987]

Wow. Thought this only happened to me! My daughter has done this to me over and over. Kinda doing yellow rock now with her…

[@jonbob9872]

You're likely a little please because your sister was 'golden child' and her problems were always deemed the most important. When I told my mother I had diabetes her immediate response was 'the cat's got a sore eye,' similar when a sister got diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease. When golden sister had to have a root canal mum was literally sick with worry and couldn't sleep for a week.

[@thomasdonau5140]

Very useful video. The trouble is that often one only finds out who these types really are when it is too late.

[@butterfly7624]

Sounds like some family members of mine and former friends.

[@SteeleMagnolia]

Family are the first to treat you poorly, all because of their fallacy of unconditional love. I've shown my own family of origin, including my own adult daughter, that my love is conditional, and I will no longer be an "option".

[@DnKlove]

This hit so close to home. I've been letting/fighting against someone use me off and on for 8 years and needed to hear this right now.

[@caroleminke6116]

Try NO. Period.

[@tims9434]

Some people go on and on. I like your summaries Darren

[@bonnielee7134]

Yeah, this was perfect. You used the words, dump you, a lot. Exactly! Let that be the tell-tale sign. But here’s how they’ll try to get around that bad behavior; They’ll act like they’re sick and can’t help themselves but that you should stick around and help them through it. What a load of crap! They’ll say, it’s anxieties. Well people with anxieties can still pick up the phone to call and cancel and are able to say, my anxieties are acting up. They can call because they have empathy. So that’s not going to work. So now what they do is say, I’m an avoidant and they’ll expect you to stick around while they work through that. This is a deception that has many KZbin channels talking about it, taking the side of the avoidant and teaching people how to keep the relationship. In their comment section, people say that they are just narcissists/psychopaths pretending to be avoidant.

[@AmericanDreamer]

omg so true, Bonnie, thank you for calling it out, for what it is!!!! I have acquired same observations and oh my, everyone is tiptoeing around narcissists, just mislabeled as avoidants! And God forbid you call then out - the gullible supporters will eat you alive!!!

[@AmericanDreamer]

and that fb group is all of gullible and hurt women mostly , who have been encountering highly dismissive , basically emotionally abusive men, and are questioning their own experience,like is this ok or am I tripping? And according to PDS and most people in the comments - it's your fault and something deep inside you is at fault for "attracting" an emotionally abusive guy...So instead of ditching him and respecting yourself, just go navel gaze into your childhood "trauma" instead of realize that you have the power to demand respect and if someone disrespects you, it's not that something is broken in you, but in him (her) !!!!!

[@JaneSmith.9941]

Wow. I wasn't expecting much from this particular video, but it's so dang spot on. Again.

[@emmr2739]

Succinctly put as ever. Could you please do a video on how to drop out of someone's life when you are being treated this way? Fear of reprisals such as a smear campaign or general awkwardness can be barriers for some.

[@bonnielee7134]

You could probably Google it, if he doesn’t do a video on it or check his search bar, on his home page, to see if he already has one. And/or type it in the KZbin search bar.

[@mountainherald5414]

That is something I have worried about too.

[@jonbob9872]

Look up grey rock.

[@charliesmith_]

"What a beggardly business it is, to be _commanded_ to love." Don"t.

[@realitywinner7582]

spot on !!!

[@SierraNovemberKilo]

God is love. Laugh. No one commands God. You have to ask if they are stupid or something. (Expect anger/tantrum) 🤷‍♂️

[@speciallion1135]

Well, I don’t want or need anything from anybody. If do anything for someone else, I do it becasue I want to & don’t expect anything in return or I am getting paid for it,, by prior arrangement. However, I have a passive aggressive brother who does this, but I have marked his card, now. I am sick of the jealousy & the underhanded manipulative ways he goes about life. Thanks for this reminder.

[@caroleminke6116]

Fear Rage Envy then revenge & denial on a repeating loop of narcissism

[@YanaHarvey-ph3wh]

Again, thank you so much Darren!That's absolutely true,this type of people they are not value our warm attitude towards them.We have to start to understand ,that,people they are hwo they are, they will not change. So let just give our warmth to nice human beings!❤

[@meow2u22]

It's give and take, all right-for you, it's all give and for them, it's all take.

[@elainehawthorne6143]

Thx Darren💖 perfectly said ✔️✔️✔️all the boxes Much love and gratitude for all you do 💖🙏🏻💖😁

[@dolittle6781]

I know people that behave as described in this video!

[@user-j7t8u]

Such a helpful video! Painful and necessary to see. Thank you! 🙏🏽

[@AnonAnon1]

Thank you, Darren

[@eottoe2001]

"Love is always kind." What a concept! (Saint Paul was never married.)

[@bonnielee7134]

And Jesus, who is supposed to be God, said, no, to a divorce unless it was adultery. The scribes and Pharisees caught him out on this contradiction saying, God allowed for a divorce for other reasons than just adultery. And Jesus just said, well their hearts were hardened and God had to make allowance for it. But you see, there are many scriptures that say that God is not like man; that he doesn’t change His mind; that he’s not a shifting shadow.

[@eottoe2001]

@@bonnielee7134 I've never been able to put together those kinds of contradictions between the god of Jesus and the god(s) of the Old Testament. That is a good argument. I can see in part. You see a lot of cases in the OT where Jehovah or Adonai do things that are caring or forgiving and in the same light as Jesus. I don't put Paul on the same level as Jesus though his theology established Christianity. ¶ The love is kind has to go my experiences of love within our family where -- except for my father and my oldest sister -- love was just transactional and another commodity. It's why I use the word love sparingly. It's why I am skeptical of love.

[@bonnielee7134]

@ eottoe2001, Interactions with these types of people have an awful effect on our natural ability to love and show empathy. It’s crazy to have your reality turned upside down because of their treatment to humans. Not only is, “ love “ a man-made up idea, but so is unconditional love! I was blown away by that, when my anti-social personality disordered daughter estranged ( because she met and married m, in 3 months, an overt, who isolated her from her people and moved her to another state ) me and I in return, had to estranged her. It was hard because I was trained that I had unconditional love, for a child and if she wanted to come back into my life, somewhere down the road, I felt obliged to do it because of that, “ unconditional love “. But the idea of letting her into my life again only to leave, or, dump me, on a whim, was a, no-go, for me. Hell no! So I had to sit there and think about it; for a long time and hard. Well it turns out that love, shown to another human, who does not have the capability to love, or respect you, is not even love. It’s not love. It’s a suicide mission of your soul; of who you are and how you are and how you operate. They don’t operate like that. The way that they interact with you is to destroy you. Well who’s going to volunteer for that? Nobody volunteers to go to hell. So hell no! So here’s the deal: if you are surrounded by these types of people and you use the analogy of zombies; you’re in the zombie apocalypse; well what good will your showing them love do, when all they want to do is eat your brains? None. That’s how I’ve come to see it now. I still need to do more work on myself and my healing journey. But I have set backs which hold me back but it’s ok; while in this setback, a lot of other vital work is getting done. I am absolutely looking forward to getting over this hill and out of the trenches of the zombies.

[@hopefulhappiness4457]

1:36 My boyfriend’s sister has a running “joke” that she calls him a “tool” because “he’s so useful”.

[@bornagain2890]

How cruel, so very sorry to hear that

[@DivaClariceWilliams]

Wow that is nasty.

[@joydavis1670]

You have been on of many influences in going through my divorce. I'm almost there. Thankyou for videos such as this.

[@dougk7075]

We know these types often do not care how it impacts us, but when you start to clue in as to what they are doing and “call them” on it, they often seem to be genuinely surprised as to how a person such as yourself “cracked the code.” Really? Entitled types, don’t give yourself so much credit.

[@dollarsmum3453]

Good one!

[@EdelweisSusie]

My ex abandoned me (after 5 happy years) the day I came home from my dad’s funeral - he had a mental breakdown due to stress and debt and just disappeared from my life. It destroyed me - but my friend always said that when he’s paid off the £30k debt, his parents are deceased, his kids are married and he’s nearing retirement age (which he is now), he’ll realise just what a diamond he lost now he’s alone, and turn up on my doorstep. We’ll see.

[@happyhappy-n1b]

I think we all use other people and we allow ourselves to be used, but we have Inherent appreciation and respect for the personhood first and foremost and not just what we gain from them. It's implicit understanding in healthy relationships. In narcissistic relationships this connection is missing. That makes it toxic, not the use as such. Since sharing (use) exists in all human relationships I request to clarify this topic in context of healthy relationships. Because there is exchange in the most healthy relationships as well, so use/supply doesn't make the relationship toxic but absence of value, appreciation and gratitude implicit in use. Please shed light on this.

[@RandomAnonymousChick]

Thanks Dr. Magee, great video!

[@howard1beale]

Unfortunately so many people have low self esteem that THEY think they have to earn affection and friendship. That's their own fault. They need to face their shitty childhood where their parents didn't truly value them, and grow up, get real and refuse to be exploited. These days you can block anyone from your phone or emails etc so don't blame the exploiter. That's what they do. Take responsibility for your own life

[@justChrisjones]

I don't try anymore. Mom's get totally drained even with worry. I'm exhausted. I pay for help.

[@SusieRobinson-v7m]

Very helpful to reflect on. Thank you!!!!

[@peat_dont_repeat]

Thank You, it is hard that I am married to her.

[@caroleminke6116]

Try gray rock then let her move on… it really works & you’re free without further abuse

[@thomasdonau5140]

​@caroleminke6116 , I generally agree with 'grey rock'. However, in my experience, not reacting to abuse can be viewd by the perpetrator as it being allowed and accepted.

[@maryd253]

Thank you for this video

[@illuminationgoddess3]

For my Energy and Power.

[@Marshadow69]

You've just described my children aged 17, 14 and 10.

[@kellydalstok8900]

Now who is raising them?

[@OrcasCondemnedProphecy]

Hey they're kids and are learning about the world around them. It doesn't necessarily make their behavior cruel. Be patient with them they'll love you for that when they turn around twenty. Most importantly be self sufficient that draws children from all ages alike. It's a core value every human admires!

[@marydeaton3241]

Sounds just like my 47 year old daughter!!!!

[@deb2319]

I had a so called good girl pal and she had like 3 sets of back up plans on the daily, terrible listening skills and was VERY RUDE to my Concierge just because she didn't care to stop and wait for me to hop in the car and direct her. One time we went on a trip and someone stole my wallet in a 3rd world country LOL and she didn't want to help out with just walking with me to the bank machine an 8 minute walk, she made me ask a stranger to deposit my money over 500 USD for him to take out of the bank machine for me, a stranger!!! after 10yrs we're not friends after that trip!

[@esthergoldberg6407]

Control !

[@xsilentg]

7:05 🌻

[@martinnoberpal4552]

👏👏👏

[@JaneSmith.9941]

@Darren F Magee do you happen to know who the guy on the right is? I'd like to track down his citations. (I hate when reaction videos don't include any link to the original content and/or don't include any worthwhile reaction.)

[@Smartbeautifulawesome]

Right

[@OrcasCondemnedProphecy]

The foremost sign is thinking this video is irrelevant to you and that believing you're not being used by anyone.

[@brendarudman8806]

Sister

[@bryffanwimartin2505]

😻😻😻

[@aliyaaliya3866]

they want to kill me that scares me you know them right))))