Embracing Intimacy After Infidelity: Part 1

[@bimmer4474]

He felt safe with total strangers yet not me. He liked getting pleased from strangers not the safety of his wife.

[@missNCW]

Why is the betrayed blamed for comparing but the unfaithful is not. They compare all the time.

[@ohshiz4244]

Because it's easier to say the BS is acting out of weakness rather than identifying that human nature is the same regardless of being a BS or a WS.

[@michellemattson5950]

And talking about triggers or being uncomfortable or having issues connecting he get mad and says im building walls and keeping in the past. Never aloud to have pain or it shames

[@missNCW]

The unfaithful is not struggling. The betrayed is. Stop exaggerating one and downplaying the other. The unfaithful is abusive and a danger to the betrayed sexual health. They are not a healthy partner.

[@lisalisa13green]

Thank you so much for speaking the truth in ALL of your posts.

[@variousJnames]

@Jenny They're referring to a repentant unfaithful, who wants to participate in recovery with the betrayed. Some actually are struggling, which is why they've acted out. You sound very bitter on ALL your responses. Pls don't speak for everyone. Every situation is complex and traumatic for anyone involved.

[@bossent.9575]

My husband waited after he had been cheating on me 2 whole years to finally get STDs tested only after I caught him cheating. Now we are going into month 5 of no sex simply because I feel so betrayed again by him i no longer have a sexual desire but he has told me he's not staying in a sexless marriage i don't think it's fair for him to put a time limit on my pain but if he cannot give me time to heal then maybe it's best he leave

[@hbrookes]

4 months after wife had an emotional affair with an ex and i am still broken!

[@tranellmoore6591]

How are you now ?

[@ElimEx1]

I am the WS and it's been 5-6 years with no intimacy. I stopped years before my EA and will never again initiate intimacy. Too many issues there with my wife. But that's irrelevant to me. We can still have a succesful marriage without sex. We just need to look at what our success criteria are. Does my family have a roof over their heads? Are they healthy? Are their bellies full? Are they happy? The rest is illusion and only leads to anger and resentment. We just have to learn to live with what works for us and not give into societal pressure. Separate bedrooms and no sex is just as good as closeness and sex daily. Just have to learn to be happy with what you have.

[@AM-fl2zv]

In the video you say both spouses should get tested for STIs. Why should the betrayed spouse spend one second getting tested? Haven’t the betrayed spouses been through enough pain and uncertainty and shame? You’re assuming wayward spouses are physically intimate with their betrayed spouses during the affair. That is not always true. You know, the onus is on the cheater to make amends. A great place to start would be STI testing. Sure, the betrayed can do all kinds of work to become a better person, but for all the heartache the wayward puts the betrayed through, an STI test is the very least they can do.

[@missNCW]

The betrayed could have contracted HIV and you're talking about 'what feels good' like *THAT'S* the issue. The betrayed can't feel good. Only the unfaithful. It's TRAUMATISING. Then add in STDs (which you are minimising in this video as a small thing in the back of your mind, maybe for the cheater), and it's IMPOSSIBLE. So point to some real books about intimacy after affairs, and not general sex books, who are for those with NORMAL marriages where spouses don't expose you to STDs and act like that's somehow NOT abusive. How is that not abuse. It's disgusting and filthy. 90 days is too much - that's not a safe partner to sleep with

[@5700Guppy]

The video definitely minimizes STD's! There has actually been a significant rise in cases in the past few years even in older people. HPV induced cancer can show up years after infection. No test that I know of for that.

[@eventhere2788]

My husband only confessed his unfaithfulness because he got an STD. Yes his betrayal was devastating but knowing that my health was at risk because of his selfishness and knowing it wasn't anything I did was also very frightening. My husband's father had several affairs in his marriage. According to my husband, he counted at least 39 and my MIL shared she frequently got STDs because her husband refused to end his affairs. I didn't learn this family history until after I married my husband and he confessed his addiction.

[@ElimEx1]

If the WS is tested, then there is zero danger. Thus a non issue.

[@JFBalz]

The quiet is the worst

[@FloMorganBuffaloBills]

I am on so many betrayed spouse boards. So many spouse's still years later try and compare themselves with the AP. Even if it was just porn. The woman they are looking at or hookups are nothing like the spouse. He is trying to teach us how to get the wayward spouse to reconnect with us. He is telling them what they need to do this as well. It is not blaming the betrayed .

[@michelleesmith5137]

❣

[@bimmer4474]

But my spouse had no issues withholding sex with me for 15 years and had zero issues discussing his likes with men and women he slept with over and over