Episode 58: Are You Holding Onto Resentment?

Unaddressed anger can create resentment. When we feel resentment what we’re feeling is a need of ours that’s been ignored or a boundary that’s been violated. In this episode, we talk about the impact of holding on to resentment and how we can work through it.
Join the SelfHealers Circle Waitlist:
theholisticpsy...
BUY HOW TO MEET YOUR SELF:
howtomeetyours...
BUY HOW TO DO THE WORK:
www.amazon.com...
Text Us! 215-366-0012
Get my FREE Future Self Journal:
theholisticpsy...

[@michaelrogue4513]

Does anyone else listen to this over and over to absorb the wisdom and practice On this profound clarity? 😂🙌🏻

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Thank you so much for your listening, Michael!! We're grateful this is supportive for you and so glad you're here joining in this conversation. Much love to you.

[@christinecardoza7253]

Yessss!! Listening back to back on what I missed the 1st time #dissociation 🤗🙃💃

[@Henria99]

Yes! Multiple times to REALLY understand !

[@Henria99]

I have a friend who always says, “It’s noted.” whenever she feels wronged. Building a mental book of resentments. It’s sad. If I shared my observation, she’d “note” me, distance herself, and start a chapter in her resentment book with my name on it.😔

[@RThockey437]

I don't get why lessons like these aren't taught in schools. I've learned more in this 20 minutes than I ever did stressing about how to properly cite a source for english papers or failing to fill in those 30 blocks on algebra homework. Just thinking about how many of todays teenagers would benefit (and sadly the innocent lives that would be saved) from learning how to understand their resentments that build towards teachers, fake friends, bullies, IG profiles, or misdirected aggressions an unstable home causes. Thank you ladies! Just like the regret podcast, I have a feeling I am going to be replaying this one very often!

[@jenniferali2596]

I love this episode! In the beginning of my journey I did this listing of the other 'mistakes' using attachment styles. Then I realize I needed to do the work first, instead of waiting for him to do it. I was hurt for repeating my reactions and I though focusing on the relationship was the way to do it. 2 years later communicating and feeling has build the path for me become whole. Still in this journey.

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Your sharing is so powerful and relatable, Jennifer. Thank you for listening and being in the conversation with us all!

[@darrendohertymusic]

The right topic comes along at just the right time, funny that. Thank you universe. I've been experiencing a resurfacing of a resentment this week because the person re-entered my physical space. Not face to face but general vicinity and your video helped me realise that I feel threatened. I've been indulging in the ugly narratives in my head out of fear of confrontation and potential violence. I've done a lot of work to get to where I am and when this happens I feel like I've let myself down in letting it get to me, but I know I shouldn't beat myself up about it. Still hard though.

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Thanks for putting this on your path, The Heathen Choir. And for sharing your experience that is full of awareness and wisdom. Noticing the judgement, turning its volume down and speaking to ourselves lovingly and kindly is where the true work comes in. You inspire us! Thank you for connecting with us here

[@sharonirungu2092]

I am grateful to you ladies. This podcast grounds me.

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

So glad, Sharon and so grateful you've found us. Thank you for listening and being here. We're grateful you are

[@mandiphillips5901]

This was really helpful. I resonated with everything you said and it helped me identify a way into moving forward with my healing. Patrick Tehan recommends writing a letter, that you don't send, to the folks you have resentments with as an exercise in holding those folks accountable and working through your feelings. Thank you

[@simplysunmoon]

Whau thank you this sound interesting, i need to try that too. Hey anything that can help please come on my way lol ❤️☀️🌙

[@claremackay]

I recently found my way to this podcast series via discovering Nicole through twitter. You guys are amazing - exactly what I need to help me along my healing journey. My DNOTS was a year or two ago and I've benefitted hugely from compassion focused therapy. Your tweets and podcasts (and I've just ordered the book) are a perfect accompaniment to my continued journey. This particular podcast was so 'on the money' that I feel like I will need to listen over again at times when the resentment looms large. Thank you for the work you do.

[@piapurificacion6527]

This I feel is me: When we feel resentment what we’re feeling is a need of ours that’s been ignored or a boundary that’s been violated. I feel that I do my best to do the work on myself. And when I express what I feel or need, somehow, often, I feel it's being dismissed by being laughed or joked on what I said. Really something I would like to work on and eventually let go.

[@arnaudon]

You can’t underestimate the value of bringing all this to the masses. You’re both incredible. Thank you 😘😘😘

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Thank you so much, Alex! That's our goal: global conversation. Thank you for listening and being here!

[@shannonbasham4509]

Such hard work. In yoga we call it Self-Study, Svadyaya, Thank you for sharing. I feel like I can let go of resentment but if I get triggered it all comes back as self protection. I think that's what happens. So many layers....🙏🙏🙏

[@marinelayer4940]

Possible future topic: I wasn't filled with resentment that would just bubble over unexpectedly. Looking back now, I was simply scared. I was the runaway girlfriend. After breakups (where I became oddly clingy and wanted to stay friends) I would tell them what wasn't working for me, and they would shock me with "Why didn't you just tell me that that's what you needed?" And, I would think it wasn't right for me to ask someone to change for me. Who am I to tell them what to do or what not to do? Talk about someone who had no boundaries! Now, I offer myself understanding and compassion for being too afraid to be vulnerable, for being too afraid to be authentic around other people (especially in intimate relationships), and for running away. (FYI - I was the truth-seer child in my family/the invisible "good girl".) Thank you for your IG feed. Some of the simplest messages are the most profound.

[@ryannesumbry4130]

I needed this past memories of hurtful events have been coming up a lot lately for me and it always goes back to me holding into resentment. I feel seen. Thank you 😊

[@simplysunmoon]

I know, it is really not easy yeah but we can do so getting there with this beautiful talk even step closer ❤☀️🌙

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

So glad Ryanne. Thank you for watching and sharing here with us all. Sending you much love.

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Thank you so much for being a part of this conversation Simply SunMoon! Much love to you.

[@christinecardoza7253]

Wow!!! Another banger!! This helped me see where holding back and not sharing how I truly feel created a messy situation with 2 ppl i care about + a bigger soul learn. Anger was the cherry on top 😳😜🙃🙏🙏 I appreciate you and your team very much. I tell ppl that Selfhealers Soundboard podcast is the best way to heal yourself on the market 🙏💃🙌 Gratitude upon gratitude 🙏

[@simplysunmoon]

OMG! I did exactly that: for others' desires I placed myself in dangerous situation waiting them not to hurt me and fulfill my needs 😮 Thank you so much fo education and inspiration, i definitely need such section in my youtube content 😁❤️☀️🌙

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

You are so welcome. We're so glad you've found us on here! Thank you for your presence here :)

[@mikedenver5341]

one thing I think this episode missed is resenting oneself. also I don't think it's as easy as choice to forgive and move one. I struggle with life ending thoughts daily, if it was as easy as a choice to forgive and move on, I wouldn't be spending a small fortune on therapy.

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Thank you for listening and sharing here with us, Mike. We hope this podcast helps supplement the work you are doing for yourself and in therapy. Grateful for your listening and conversation.

[@leahannwhite1111]

The people we resent are imagined. 💞

[@ms.suzylee2932]

that's part of the people pleaser reality that people accept, depend on how nice and willing but don't actually return this energy of seeing them as being reliable and good they take it for granted and abuse this nature. and I get we are saying that putting others first is something we learned and it can be destructive. it just feels like its always the thought ones going around being resentful of the thoughtless or something like that! people pleasers get trapped in this single note of giving and those around them lock into this single note of taking ? and its this terrible boring pattern. sometimes people have the habit of rolling over people and need it to be called out but there are these people that just won't "give you the satisfaction" they know exactly what you want but go the other way as the behavior pattern

[@jessicayurash6181]

When releasing resentment towards someone else feels impossible, then I have found the key is to direct compassion towards myself. Practicing compassion towards my younger self at least heals some of the hurt my body is holding, even while I continue to resent the person who hurt me.

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Love this, Jessica. We get to be the giver (and receiver) of what our younger selves have been in search of. Love and compassion. Thank you so much for listening and sharing.

[@Itssbrook124]

I love Nicole’s laugh over Jenna’s milk comment 😊

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Thanks for listening and sharing :) :)

[@kathope2751]

Thank you two so much for making this video and being so involved in the community. I found this was the one thing that has been holding me back in my journey. This information was extremely helpful. I’m so excited to add it to my work and see how I thrive. What a feeling of relief to get answers when you felt there wasn’t one. Thank you so so much!

[@simplysunmoon]

I feel you, same here today 😀❤️

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Kat, you are so welcome. Thank you so much for your listening/watching and engaging here with us. So glad this was supportive for you and grateful for your conversation! Sending you much love.

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

So glad for this! Thank you

[@michelleknight6491]

First off, I love your podcast. I’ve watched and listen to them all and always glean new insights. Here are some questions I have that I hope can make it on an episode sometime! 1) how to not take social media personally. I notice I take it very personally when people I follow but maybe are not close to in real life unfollow me. Why does this feel like a personal rejection when we aren’t even close in real life? I will even go as far as to check if people are unfollowing me. I’d love to learn more about how to navigate social media without attachment. 2) how to deal with anger directed at you. My partner has teenagers and it’s not uncommon for outbursts and anger to occur. Unlike dealing with adults where you can parse out what is logical and have a conversation, with teenagers it can quickly turn to anger. It’s hard for my nervous system to hold space for this, and my reaction is to “ice” and or retreat. How can we consciously handle anger when it’s maybe even misdirected or projected onto us while honoring our boundaries and not shutting down?

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Thank you so much, Michelle! We're grateful for your listening and are so glad the podcast has been supportive for you. Thanks for these episode requests and conversation topics. They're noted and added to incorporate in the future. Stay tuned!

[@suzycue9278]

Just excellent ladies!!! Thank you for sharing! Future episode might be how to reattach to your emotions because you have spent so many years detaching from them in order to survive.

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Thank you Suzy Cue! Grateful for your watching engaging here. Noted your request, thanks for suggesting! Stay tuned!

[@tilerhaigwood8636]

Love the Bombas Socks!

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

:) :) Thank you for watching Tiler!

[@sydneyahmadian5699]

I'm wondering if you have any thoughts or advice on how to notice when the ego takes over, or how to know if it's always turned on. I struggle to understand how ego works, and I notice that I slip into power struggles and me vs. you conversations easily. It's instant, and so hard to tap the breaks long enough to catch a breath, let alone create space to respond.

[@wystan1000]

Ego always thinks it's right and wants to prove that. It thinks it needs to always get what it wants. It has a burning sense of injustice when things don't go its way. It will seek to control others. This can come from not being heard when young, experiencing a lot of unfairness or having someone else's needs put before one's own frequently. So, one could suggest trying to see things from another's point of view, letting go of the need to always be right and consciously seeking compromise. We can also learn to calmly state our needs with the understanding that they may not always be met and that's something we have to learn to accept since others have needs too. I hope that helps.

[@SelbstversuchGarten]

Thank you for this, because Im so holding on the resentment especially on my father. Everytime I got a overwhelming situation with my work it comes up... Ohhh how diffucult is life without daddys help? :D But active forgiveness in mind or spoken out during the resentment can help a lot!

[@ms.suzylee2932]

what happens when you bring up something to someone but they don't see, won't see it, aren't interested. basically shutting you down that this stuff you feel or think is yours not theirs and "nothing to do with them" I mean I can go around taking all the responsibility and excusing everyone from any part but this doesn't feel quite right. we always hear about this i can't or won't read your mind yet, i feel that's the unspoken language of needs and wants that are universal and pretty basic ...I feel like people desire people to participate, to be involved, to be considerate; Not rejecting or shutting down or turning away these things confirm that asserting yourself can get you exactly what you don't want, in fact the complete opposite.

[@felzebub1762]

Problem is I can change and I have changed in many different perspective but those people who were wronged me did not change and got away with whatever that they have done wrong. There is no judgement or punishment for them. I'm just resentful because of that and I think it is a valid emotion to have. I chose to not let resentment to take control of my life though.

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Your resentment is very valid, Felzebub. That last sentence of yours is such a powerful declaration. Thank you for watching and sharing here with us all.

[@Abundantx8]

#Brilliant thank you

[@stailor1]

How we become aware of having resentment or even repressed anger. What do we look out for when observing ourselves

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

Notice your thoughts and your physical sensations. What kind of thoughts are you having about a person/situation? How do they make you feel? When observing your physical self, notice the sensations in your body when around/having thoughts of a particular person/situation. Do you notice your heartrate increasing? Your temperature rising? A tightness in your chest or clenched jaw? We will each have our own unique ways anger and resentment will show up for us. Begin to notice the nature of your thoughts and the physical sensations that occur with them. Thank you for watching and engaging in the conversation here, Stailor!

[@sharonl9307]

May you please touch on different attachment styles

[@Shaee]

I wonder what those books are in the background besides Ofc HTDTW on the left

[@barrymcalister6663]

I think they are HTDTW translated in different languages.

[@SelfHealersSoundboard]

@ShaeVlogs, they are various copies of How To Do The Work in different languages/from different countries. :) Nailed it, Barry! Thank you both for watching and commenting

[@NM-dc9pk]

😍

[@jacintacruz9492]

I am scared to say my needs because the person may say no I don't do rejection or my needs still may not get meet even after I voice them I don't do well this this idea it is really hard for me then I will hurt more then I already did . I expect the role I have played in my Resentment towards someone who I love unaware or not it was my choices I made to put my needs aside and i was aware i was putting my needs asside and attend to this person's. this person voiced there needs and I made the choice over and over again to say yes I was Uncautious that by what I thought was just helping someone who I love and will never stop loving and putting what I wanted to do aside for latter was going to build up this thing called Resentment i never enen new what that word ment I just thought it was unspoken that the other person was going to reciprocate i thought i supost to help oeople u love no matter what because that's how I function and whst i thought . I am learing people don't know my needs until I voice them just because I am crying or walking with my head down I can not expect them to know from my body language I still I need to voice them to Potentially get my needs meet it's really scary to voice my needs it's my responsibility to help myself even if I am terrified.