Esther Perel on What the Other Woman Knows

[@johnevemerton]

Challenges in relationships are a normal part of life, but there’s always a path forward. My marriage encountered major difficulties, but with proper guidance, my wife and I managed to resolve our issues and deepen our connection. If you’re willing to put in the work and collaborate, solutions are always within reach. Keep hope alive; there are answers out there..

[@sherryanderson-y2p]

I’m facing serious problems in my relationship and can’t stand the thought of losing him. I love and miss my partner greatly and am willing to do whatever it takes to have him back. Any advice or guidance you can provide would be deeply appreciated.

[@johnevemerton]

Saying goodbye to someone you cherish is consistently difficult, yet in my case, I received support from a spiritual advisor who kept my marriage intact. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.

[@sherryanderson-y2p]

I'll promptly look her up online. Thank you. I'm optimistic that following this path will bring about positive outcomes for me too; I long for him deeply.

[@johnevemerton]

Yes. You definitely should

[@healthsecretsofthebible.7004]

My husband shut me down and denied me of any sex and no intimacy at all. I never went to another man. Im a widow now and im so happy to be free. I couldn't understand it at the time. He broke my heart year after year. Now, in retrospect, i see his behavior as cruel towards me, his wife who loved him unconditionally. 💔

[@jynclr]

@@meeperbird parents don't automatically get unconditional love. they need to show that they deserve it.

[@csmith9699]

Did you discuss with him? What if you had taken a lover? I suppose most of all...other than the lack of sex in the marriage was anything else good?

[@Barbara-yv8rk]

Doesn’t sound like unconditionally if you were shut down

[@csmith9699]

You wrote you are so happy to "be free" yet you loved him unconditionally? Loved unconditionally or felt obligated by duty?

[@tfor2man]

@@meeperbird It also applies to narcissistic and abusive women as well. I don't think it is only one particular gender.

[@a_bamble8328]

I call bull crap! My husband cheated for over 20 years despite me being the one with the high sex drive. I strived for connection all the time, doted on him, showed for love and communicated effectively. In the end some people no matter how much you give will only take and seek the thrill of cheating itself. They’re too broken to seek help and would much rather be destructive then work on themselves or their marriage. Period.

[@lililululalabooboo]

I agree. I was married single snd starving for connection. If I iniated I was rejected 100% of the time. He used sex to control my behavior because he knew I craved connection so much. He weaponized it for control and power. I realize now he was and is a covert narc.

[@samco63]

Exactly. I don’t know. I think Esther’s advice only relates to maybe 10% of the population which is healthy but found themselves in this situation. She doesn’t account for the huge number of people in today’s society that are high on the narcissism scale … you can’t please them: they are an ever leaking bucket that needs attention from more and new people. Or, if they have sociopathic or psychopathic traits, they enjoy the thrill of getting away with it / being passive aggressive behind their partners back

[@JacquiCryer]

Excellent post and response. Fully agree

[@bizygirl1]

@@samco63 For them it isn’t about the sex. It’s about the attention and conquering. It’s about taking away from someone else and getting validation from another person because they are so empty inside and unable to give to themself much less to another. They are like a garbage disposal. It has nothing to do with their families, their mates or anyone else. It’s not about what they are lacking from anyone else. They are like sharks in a feedings frenzy always taking without regard for anyone else’s suffering. They have no conscience but they try to act like they do.

[@deannkennedy1795]

you got ripped off for sure

[@joanofarcxxi]

Sometimes, when women don't have sex with their husbands, it's not because they don't like sex. It's because they don't like sex with that man. A man should learn what his wife wants and desires, and then make an effort to keep it interesting for her. If she is mentally sane, she will reciprocate. Women are so unique, and they are physiologically and psychologically complex. Some men love bomb in the beginning, but once they got you, they only bread crumb you. They don't make an effort to cooperate, to help out, to listen. Foreplay starts in the morning and lasts all day. Foreplay is the way you treat your partner all day. It's the little things you do and don't do. Love requires action and responsibility. Love requires communication and compromise. It's totally ridiculous to expect that couples will have wild passionate sex for years and years without any effort. If you talk about it and are realistic, you will navigate the ups and downs of life and of sexual energy together. The grass is not greener elsewhere, it's greener where you water it. Oftentimes. people will go from marriage to marriage having all the same problems even though the partners are different.

[@HoneyboyDes]

Spot on. Men learn your woman!!

[@Anonytubous]

Or ask yourself, why a woman would feel passionate towards someone who doesn't care about her, what she thinks and feels, invalidates her, uses her free labor, can't share the load equally and then demands to have sex as a chore because you owe him. Would you feel passionate towards a person who thinks of you as a servant, like an object, who is self-centered and doesn't even consider intercourse as something to share and get close but merely a physiological need they need to use you for? It's disgusting. Before men start to learn their women maybe they should address their issues with emotional intelligence and mysoginy, and proactively fight against it in the society. Don't be surprised if you treat your spouse like someone who should take care of you but you don't take care of them, that you've become their teenage kid and you're an object of resentment. And don't be surprised she'll dump you when she finally realizes she's worth so much more. How can you expect intimacy if you don't know how to build it. The times when women believed this manipulation that marriage is good for them are over. It was never good, it was necessary. It was giving up the free labor and being materially dependent BECAUSE we weren't allowed to work and build our own safety. And you perfectly know why, because you don't have anything to offer us besides going to work. Today everybody must work so it's not really impressive. Step up and work on yourself. Being a regular douchebag would pass 80 years ago. Not today. Women are looking for PARTNERS. Add to our life or take care of yourself alone, we're done adding to yours without reciprocation. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, better start searching the statistics how much work on average it is for a woman to be in a relationship merely because of the fact she is with a man. And how much it costs her. DO BETTER or leave us alone.

[@Byrdie777]

Very true and well said.

[@carultch]

Maybe they never wanted it in the first place, but just use it as a sell job to lure men into marriage. Women use sex as a loss leader.

[@Kv-pk2st]

​@@HoneyboyDeslol and women need to learn from their man. Its a two way street.

[@eileenwalsh6048]

So well said Ester 20:55 You made a decision about our marriage without me

[@marioct130]

The 'wives' who don't want sex with their husbands are blamed for the husband straying. Why doesn't she want sex? What are the husbands not doing?

[@melgm002]

I can only imagine.

[@ssiegreen5292]

Great question!!!

[@LSSYLondon]

Hormones. Most women have them that go up or down. And the female body loses sexual desire at about a rate of 1% for every month they are in a monogamous relationship.

[@ssiegreen5292]

@@LSSYLondon So do men - as in loosing hormones with aging. But that's not a reason, it's a cop-out for being lazy or not cooperative. IMO It's the responsibility for each individual in a relationship/marriage as well as the couple together, to do whatever is required for optimum health, including maintaining appropriate hormone levels, providing pleasing + satisfying six to and for each other, communication, and whatever else it takes to keep their relationship active, etc etc. I'm 61 and my hormones are still alive and kicking - and that without female hormone replacement therapy. There are other things [alternative health solutions, homeopathy, etc] you can do as well that would work for most women just as well [I said most not all].

[@aboutfacesusan]

My former husband was an alcoholic and porn addict, and couldn’t function as a husband and father. It became impossible to maintain any respect, intimacy or desire for him. Our marriage stopped being a partnership under those circumstances. I divorced him and raised a child alone from age 12. Of course, he cheated. He has never apologized to our son, or shown any remorse or regret, which is the ultimate cruelty to a child. I remained faithful, and now live a life of peace, free of someone else’s dysfunction. Infidelity is a complex subject with no easy answers.

[@deniseprovost4319]

People with avoidant attachment often cheat as a coping mechanism, is NEVER the fault of the spouse. They gaslight, lie, do what ever it takes to sooth themselves. May be good humans, but are also horrible spouses.

[@ilsevanheerden4976]

True

[@VoxUrania]

Yes, very true.

[@munchey99508]

Personally , I disagree. I don’t think you’re a good human being when you’re lying and cheating on your spouse. You’re also are a horrible, crappy spouse.

[@northofyou33]

@@munchey99508 Life is never black and white. Neither is love. Or marriage. Sex outside of marriage is not a crime. People who cheat and lie about outside attachments are functioning in a society that does not allow them to be honest without massive consequences. Loving more than one person is simply not a crime.

[@amrazivalj1274]

But lying should be....its the betrayal that's the most hurtful. ​@northofyou33

[@anamilenahincapie2992]

Most of the comments focused on “cheating” and “the other woman” “not right…”, TOTALLY missed the point: IF we can’t talk about intimacy or the lack of it with our partner, THAT is what can and mostly does lead to people going outside the marriage. Turning a blind eye to your partners’ desires and putting them down, refusing sex and being guarded with intimacy leads to a person not feeling wanted and eventually, attraction occurs and at times opportunities present themselves. In NO way am I condoning cheating, because I’m not, it’s a horrible, selfish thing… AND intimacy and the ability to have sexual freedom with our partners IS what leads to long lasting marriages! It helps break down the wall that gets built when intimacy and love are taken away! Obviously, my opinion 😊

[@anzelaiv]

As the essay mentions, people are too afraid to learn the truth of what caused the breakdown in their relationship, because more often than not, both are at fault, and it starts long before cheating happens. The one who cheats is too afraid to learn why their partner lost the desire for them, and on the receiving end, It's easier to put all the blame for the broken marriage on the cheater and hide your own faults behind the cheater's actions. The act of cheating souldn't override everything else that happened in the relationship before someone stepped out.

[@Barbara-yv8rk]

@@anzelaiv Very true. Sadly on these sites, it’s a blame game. The pain is so great that denial is easier.

[@dawnsongz4u449]

The lack of intimacy is the symptom … It’s narcissism born out of insecurity or narcissism born out of entitlement.

[@melkerner]

@@dawnsongz4u449 Withholding of intimacy and sex is selfish and abusive. Forcing celibacy and withholding connection, affection and sex is not an act of love. It's the ultimate act of infidelity holding another person hostage while demanding monogamy but forcing celibacy.

[@dawnsongz4u449]

@@melkerner my ex was sleeping with me the whole time.. stop making excuses for bad behavior. He was the one withholding intimacy by chronically stepping out. Addiction is as addiction does..

[@DianeCarroll111]

Oh the peace that comes from loving yourself. You still fear infidelity, but it’s not the end of the world.

[@agnescroteau8960]

It’s the : I told you I would be vulnerable and needed a written contract and you gave me your word instead, which I trusted until you were seen defective, which I currently can’t take for reasons beyond your grasp (… etc etc etc ) …and an end to my world vs an end of the world is not, the same thing, you should know the grammar still…. Just in case… -and only then: ayo, true, still alive, and I’m just way too sensitive, etc. Etc. Etc…….

[@LoveFaithLive]

@@agnescroteau8960 It’s not the end of THE world is correct and so is “end of MY world”. @DianeCarroll111 hasn’t made a grammatical error in that regard IMO. If our own world came to an end because of rejection or death of a partner then who looks after the children?? And the dog??

[@lomotil3370]

🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:20 *🔥 Esther Perel's work challenges assumptions about long-term love, exploring how passion evolves and infidelity impacts relationships.* 01:43 *💔 People often struggle with maintaining happiness in long-term relationships, leading them to seek advice from experts like Esther Perel.* 02:09 *🎭 The essay discussed in the interview, "What Sleeping with Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity," delves into complex themes around infidelity and its impact on individuals and relationships.* 06:13 *🗣️ Esther Perel emphasizes the complexity of infidelity, beyond mere sexual betrayal, highlighting its effects on trust, lying, and deception.* 07:14 *💑 Karen Jones' essay explores her experiences as the other woman, shedding light on the motivations behind infidelity and the complexities of desire and intimacy.* 09:21 *🤔 Married men seeking affairs often desire any form of sex, not just more, while facing challenges within their marriages, such as lack of intimacy or their partners' loss of interest in sex.* 10:37 *🌍 Cultural differences influence perceptions of truth and honesty in relationships, impacting how individuals navigate discussions about infidelity.* 12:58 *🤐 The essay raises questions about the ethics of keeping secrets in relationships and whether silence can sometimes be kinder than confession.* 16:43 *📝 Esther Perel suggests using letter-writing exercises to facilitate difficult conversations about intimacy and sexuality between partners.* 19:10 *📝 Cultural perspectives influence attitudes towards infidelity, with differing views on honesty and confession in relationships.* 21:28 *🗣️ Esther Perel advocates for open and honest conversations about sexuality and intimacy between partners to address underlying issues that may lead to infidelity.* 23:00 *🚫 Societal taboos around discussing sexuality contribute to difficulties in addressing intimacy issues within relationships, potentially leading to infidelity.* 26:51 *🎟️ Esther Perel is currently touring the US with her show "An Evening with Esther Perel," exploring the future of relationships, love, and desire through live experiences.* Made with HARPA AI

[@nunya5270]

Thank you so much for this complete timestamped summative outline of this video!!! You've blessed me with the gift of time for now I feel like I've heard Esther Perel speak on much of all this before so I have no need to waste my time listening to it all the way through. Moreover, it's a quite lengthy video and it's past my bedtime, and if not for you, I'd be distracted from getting some valuable zzzs!!! I wish every KZbin video had an outline like this one made available to viewer audiences. God bless you 🙏❤

[@melaniesyx]

If someone tells me he'll love me for the rest of his life, I would say to him, but you simply can't know that for sure. Life-long commitment seems to me now such a bizarre idea that has gone unquestioned, unexamed for a long time. If we let go of that obsession of foreverness and instead work on the present moment, maybe a lot of relationships will turn out to be stronger and better.

[@Germanaugustomorales]

until death tear us apart... What????

[@Holistretch]

I whole heartedly agree!! I don’t even want to get married by the State anymore.

[@samanthaelle88]

I think about this all the time! I think you're right on.

[@jamarr81]

Just because something may not be accurate for you, or you do not understand it, does not mean it is not valid for others. It's annoying when people have such black-and-white opinions on everything. Perhaps not a majority, but many people only want/need a single partner for life, and their intimacy and sex life do not deteriorate over time.

[@jamarr81]

Humans have been practicing serial monogamy for as long as they've existed. It is only an extreme minority that ever practiced polygamy. You are not significant enough to tell others how long they should or shouldn't commit to one person; everyone has different needs. That said, monogamy, polygamy, or anything else, lying and cheating arise from a lack of internal acceptance, values, and accountability. Even in swingers' circles, layers and cheaters are shamed out. In every context, lying and cheating is a character flaw. It needs to be shamed more, not less.

[@janinemelanie8391]

Not all people who cheat are narcissists however very many people who cheat are narcissists. Narcissists capitalise on their partners blaming themselves for almost every thing as they they take no accountability. Teachings about cheating that place a sense of blame back on the one being cheated on is dangerous when it comes to people who are with narcissists

[@LSSYLondon]

Over 90% of the world is not pathological yet that is about the same amount that cheat and that is about the same amount that would lie about cheating.

[@RationalNon-conformist]

I agree. Not all cheaters are narcissists, but many are. HG Tudor speaks about this.

[@janinemelanie8391]

@@RationalNon-conformist I think people have a choice and in my opinion it is never the fault of the person who was cheated on. The cheater still made a choice not to leave the relationship before doing that. I’ll have a look at who you mentioned there, thank you. Doctor Ramani has many fantastic videos on the subject too :)

[@Ilyevey]

Can a loving mother who cheats on her husband be a narcissist?

[@janinemelanie8391]

@@Ilyevey hi I’m not really sure of what you’re suggesting with your question? I did state I don’t think all people who cheat are narcissists

[@timothysturgess5985]

anyone who thinks that cheating brings a couple closer is in denial, is lying to everyone around them including themselves, and has a serious issue accepting reality. the only thing that cheating bring a couple closer to is divorce. period. I swear the sh*t that people try to convince others of believing. so sad.

[@LSSYLondon]

Wrong. The vast majority of marriages that have cheating are ones where the couple stays together and becomes closer because the truth of a failing marriage is brought into the light and a new negotiation can happen. This is reality.

[@raspberrykissable]

@@LSSYLondonI understand the sentiment but as someone who has gone through it there is just no going back. I can build something new but it’s always lingering. It can bring about a closer bond but at what cost? If cheating is on the horizon just leave.

[@MeandmySara]

Obviously you cheated @LSSYLondon

[@timothysturgess5985]

@@MeandmySara nope try again

[@cosmickinks]

Personally I was married to a serial cheater and that never would have worked out lol, so I get you. But actually, over half of marriages survive infidelity and 70% of those say they came out stronger as a couple.

[@ladyandfriends]

You could be doing everything right, and some men will still cheat on you. In fact the other woman is usually someone with low self esteem, which isn’t attractive to high quality guys. Yes they can seem outgoing or hyper sexual at first but that’s because they know they’re in competition, whereas the wives don’t. Cheating isn’t just about sex. It’s also about ego-stroking, dopamine and validation. Can we please stop blaming the victim (ie wife)? Cheaters and addicts have a common characteristic - lying. An honest partner could have every reason to cheat, but they won’t! They’d rather divorce or go to therapy than degrade themselves in that way.

[@ebest1338]

Agreed

[@creamycrimson]

I'm patient, understanding, love communication, I'm driven(I work and I'm getting my second degree), set clear boundaries, I also cook, clean, take care of myself, dress nicely, I keep my mind sharp, f*ck his brains out at least twice per week and I'mopen to experimentnew stuff. He still cheated. With a girl we met through his friends. This girl came in my house and ate at my table. She is depressed(her ex committed suicide 1y ago), imature, 27y old with no job and no prospect(the ex was paying for everything, also the ex before that), she didn't strike me as funny or interesting in any way, but she is taller and skinnier than me though. Men like easy. Easy doesn't call them out on their bullshit and easy is easily impressed so it strokes their ego. And easy saw the house, the car and everything we have built together and she thought she can have it. She can't, because she is not ME. The only thing she got was some d, and then he became quickly bored with her and ran to me to confess....

[@phebbynamutowe4357]

@@ebest1338 I did all i could and it wasn't enough. Men cheat regardless and blaming the wife for the cheating is unfair. A man cheats because he wants to and they made a choice. @ladyandfriends, u have a valid point too.

[@samco63]

Exactly! The partner cheated on (usually the wife), has enough blame put on her by the husband. Probably isn’t listened to or validated, and is run ragged trying to look after the household. He then cheats and blames it on her. It’s crazy and so sad that society is blaming women like this. Seems we’re going backwards at a rapid pace?!

[@mariaresendez5673]

💯

[@KoreaMojo]

The majority of these top comments are the most reassuring thing I have seen online in a decade.

[@Thomas-qi9ix]

Wow, from the comments it seems like the audience is doing exactly what Esther said would happen. Tell me youre Americans without telling me. She nailed it about the dogmatic, pragmatic, views of culture that can affect how this conversation goes.

[@anzelaiv]

Who's surprised?

[@ingridblohm-hyde805]

Not “American” this is standard western culture. European women do not feel less hurt when their man cheats on them!!

[@AstonishedonEarth]

Suit yourself, but lying is a choice you are making, the other person does not have a choice unless you tell them.

[@kathleensueoka3599]

I got so excited to meet Esther in an airport…. I heard her voice and broke my own rule of leaving celebrities alone and in peace. I have never been that interested in meeting her! She has done so much for so many people! She is brilliant and analytical in ways not common in our world. ❤

[@sonneao]

What an amazing interview! I've gotten so many insights and new perspectives on this topic. Esther professionally might be a psychologist, but she also is an anthropologist, giving us insight on how our blind assumptions are culturally ingrained. Beautiful!

[@Cass-gi4kk]

This seems so weird. Why wouldn’t you just sleep with a younger men if you only want sex, not someone’s husband who’s going through midlife crisis..

[@suem7500]

He's pre-vetted

[@Cass-gi4kk]

@@archivist_of_dragonstone that’s true but this lady who wrote the article specifically was sleeping with married men knowingly.

[@kenofken9458]

Usually when people "don't know" they're dating someone married, its because they don't want to know. It's usually not very hard to figure out. The cheating partner can only ever meet for very limited windows of time, almost exclusively on week days right after work.

[@melaniesyx]

She explained it. She doesn't want attachment. And married men are less likely to get attached.

[@shanandananscoo]

I think she answered that exact question in her essay. She wanted a man whose life was all committed and entangled with his own spouse, kids, etc. A man that she would have no chance of having to deal with relationship issues.

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

I adore Esther for so many reasons. As a serial monogamist I’m grateful to know this about myself. 💜💕💜💕 this interviewer is brilliant as well.

[@jeanannedupratt7075]

😢Why is intimacy always described only as in sex ? The word also applies to self intimacy, intimacy in relationships, in friendships, in professional exchanges, between parents + children, between children among themselves... Heidi Priebe elucidates this topic conclusively. She gives meaning + wholesomeness to it, in this sense. Surely if intimacy were to be achieved in this way, there would be less pain, confusion + slack in how relationships evolve ? Everyone would be more grounded. And the moral side, along with shame, guilt + blame would not take the scene as much as they do. This being said, 👇 Tone, timbre, authenticity which Ms. Perel refers to puts her in her line of genius - active listening to people's needs to express themselves. And in the sex meaning of this word, intimacy. Mustering up the strength to speak about sex with one's spouse is such a kind + compassionate way of addressing Love and it's complexity. I applaud Ms Perel constantly.

[@carultch]

Because sex is the primary thing men want from intimacy. Everything else is the price of admission.

[@b.d.hooten1785]

Because every single type of "non physical" intimacy you described can be had by ANYONE in our lives. We are all human. We all crave physical touch. We all need physical touch. Intimacy requires walls/barriers/boundaries to be lowered - even fully eliminated for the most satisfying and fulfilling intimacy. It also requires the deepest level of mutual respect because one can crush the other with their words/actions to a depth that no one else in our lives can hurt us. This level of vulnerability is NEVER achieved from a friend/family/child. Sure - a friend/family/child can hurt us - but the betrayal of a spouse is the worst hurt. Hard stop. Its realizing theres two branches of intimacy: emotional and physical. And each branch has many levels/depths to it. Its not until you stand before your spouse and say the words "...to have and to hold...." are we making the promise to each other: yea, out of all the people in the world, only YOU will I fully lower my walls down, as you will also do to me, and we will freely give ourselves mind/body/soul to each other. That is a promise, an obligation, a duty, a sacrifice and an honor - all wrapped up in 5 little words. Sadly - 80% of men know this on Day 1 of their marriage; and only 20% of women.

[@valdius85]

it is because one can cannot talk about everything at the same time this video is about cheating and marriage.

[@lars1480]

To me The there is a difference between sex and making love - I want intimacy and make love to my wife and sometimes just sex - when you go outside The relationship fore sex it’s because there is a problem - cheating is a choice and is not acceptable if not agreed on by The other😊

[@walkerbeef]

There are so many commonly held misconceptions here. There’s a reason you chose Karen Jones essay because it’s inflammatory! And false. Some of the false statements that seem to be accepted as facts are: 1. Women in menopause have a sharp downturn in desire and men don’t experience anything similar. 😂 ED meds are not being marketed to women 2. Men have affairs because they are not sexually active with their wives. The insinuation is that she had to step in to fulfill them because their wives (according to the cheating spouse) were sexually DUSABLED! 3. That only men have affairs. That only women are cheated on. Because only women are willing to live in a man’s shadow-the couples therapist added this slap to all women! 4. That the person being cheated on is the one falling short in fulfilling the other partners needs. That the cheated on spouse is sexually cold, or not putting in the effort or DISABLED. AND “unwilling to have the hard conversations”. 5. These assumptions are interesting because in the essay both parties engaging in the affairs were claiming to want mechanical sex with no emotional ties But both are putting themselves in hero and victim role-Jones by saying she’s the sexual hero to these men and the victim of divorce and the men she sites saying they are heroic staying with the woman they married and “love” them but victimized sexually and emotionally by their spouse. 6. That’s not what it in actuality was. In this case-at least as told in the essay by the author-It was an attempt by several parties to be adored with no risk or vulnerability! To pretend they are not who they actually are-to escape authenticity. To not feel the pain of-in Jones case divorce! So instead-she turned to being adored artificially in a sexually deviant lifestyle. Then passed judgment in wildly broad strokes on the version of the spouse she was presented with by the men who admitted to lying and deceiving people they “love”. 😂 Jones and her partners chose to feel superior and wrote themselves into their own fantasy as the fulfilled and sexually adventurous ones. Ha ha. Drum roll for the “couples therapist” to enter the scene and 28:02 28:02 to charge you to tell you the things you can do to stop your spouse from cheating through erotic education. 🤑💰💵💲 Pity the fools who fall for this!

[@Wheninbloom]

You said exactly what I would have

[@letaschmid130]

Really enjoyed how Esther addressed the importance of language and how languages express concepts differently. Often this stays off the radar and ideas are missed, misunderstood or simply not given the precision needed for fuller understanding. Brava!

[@ladyoftheflowers44]

lets think about the YEARs these poor women spent in dead end relationships with cheating husband ( who are now getting blamed for his actions). Years they spent raising this mans children, doing his laundry, cooking for him, cleaning up after him, remembering the birthday cards while he forgets your anniversary. And they get punished because they don't ALSO want to sleep with him while all this goes on. So many men cheat because they aren't pulling their weight in the relationship (leading to a lack of sex), but they refuse to give up their free cooking, cleaning, laundry and child rearing services, because they know if they got divorced they would have to pay spousal support.. I don't not feel bad for these whiny man babies, I do with the article author gets syphils and dies

[@no.6377]

I've always felt like it's the person who takes the vows that bears the responsibility for adultery. For that reason, I very unironically refer to cheating men as homewreckers, too. Anyone stepping out of their marriage is a homewrecker to me.

[@aawillma]

Exactly. People who knowingly sleep with partnered people in closed relationships are not winning any ethics award either but it is NOT their fault the relationship ends. They are not the homewrecker. It is solely the people who took the vows that are responsible for adhering to them.

[@valdius85]

Taking vows works both ways. Taking care of someone's needs should be put as first step. I do condem cheating as I think it is bad for the cheater, but the reason for cheating must be included in the same conversation.

[@thecozyconstellation]

exactly. it's always the woman getting blamed. it's her fault the husband cheated. it's the other woman who destroyed a home. NO IT IS THE CHEATING MAN'S FAULT!!!

[@brandywhine4856]

The affair partner assists in the cheater’s destruction of the marriage. Aiding and abetting in emotional murder of the faithful partner. Affair partner lacks empathy and cheating is an act against humanity. Period.

[@Lauren-i8i]

@@thecozyconstellation 💕 I hear you but it is not ONLY the cheating man’s fault. ACCOUNTABILITY PARADIGM: 1. BOTH Spouses are accountable for the state of the marriage before the affair. 2. BOTH cheaters are responsible for their OWN behavior in an affair. The Cheater and the Adulterous Partner are 1/2 the equation of this ridiculous mess they created. The A.P.s favorite pastime is trying to figure out ways that she’s NOT accountable. My question is, on what planet are you not responsible for your OWN behavior? To all of the Betrayed Wives who blame themselves: You can NEVER be responsible for someone else’s sin. God’s got your back. 🌸 Stay connected to Him and ALL will be well. You are never alone and He sees EVERYTHING. 💕

[@SowingSeedsWithChristy]

So basically, communicate your needs sensitively with your spouse. Though i did that, not every partner is able to meet those needs, and in fact, became a totally different person which threw me into a huge quandary. Divorced 9 years later. Scarred me for life.

[@amc3964]

Liars and thieves. * If someone cheats on you ONCE - they have a 350 per cent chance of doing it again

[@Holistretch]

Such a random number…

[@ericfinley8472]

​@@Holistretchit's a number based on a statistically significant number of observations, so infact it's the opposite of random, it's a probability and certainly more reliable than a cheaters promises 😉 100% of that sample size gave an oath not to do it in the 1st place

[@thecozyconstellation]

once a cheater, always a cheater. if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

[@worldadventuretravel]

Instead of sleeping with other peoples' spouses, heal your attachment style and whatever other psychological damage makes you seek out unavailable people. Problem solved.

[@KayN806]

I smiled when Esther said she always wanted to learn Arabic. My spirit knew right away. I want to learn Arabic too. It’s a rich language.

[@monikagutkowska8178]

So did I....apparently it is the most poetic and romantic language... French is traditionally considered an apoetic language...yes I do speakFrench

[@KayN806]

@@monikagutkowska8178 true it is poetic and deeply romantic.

[@earthpower9687]

Me as well. A true dream

[@rose4490]

Once again the internet reminds me to be grateful for my single life! Cheaters don't deserve love, and once someone cheats that person is dead to me, and I will never love them again. To me there's nothing more lonesome than being with the wrong! person!

[@richellesteyn]

What a frustrating 28.01 minute "conversation". I wished the interviewer would just let Esther talk, without needing to comment at all the moments when Esther was really getting to the crux of what needed to be said.

[@gabbypage6929]

No excuses for cheating. Zero. If the wives doesn’t want intimacy then thats grounds for divorce. Don’t stay its no longer a marriage.

[@christinaewert5120]

I guess this is what Esther meant with: this topic is highly dogmatic ;)

[@louisaweiler5340]

If the relationship is working well, the "wives" will not deviate .. 😊

[@stephaniemartinez9784]

How about the husband????? It happens

[@susanwhite7474]

@@louisaweiler5340Cheaters, cheat. No one has to cheat. The decent thing is to end the relationship or be truthful with the other person about wanting to "open" the relationship

[@LSSYLondon]

@@susanwhite7474 A lot of men don't want to leave a relationship just because their wives wanted something sexually. Same thing for a lot of women. Marriage isn't one way.

[@vinista256]

24:38 “They will consider the confession often as cruelty.” That makes me think of the scene in “Revolutionary Road” where Frank (Leo) confesses his affair to April (Kate).

[@CarrieNoble-j4q]

Well my two sons lived in Italy for two years . Then four Italian guys came and stayed with us for three months. We went over to see their families . It is so difficult to get a divorce in Italy. A lot now do not even marry because if they do , very very hard to divorce.

[@CarrieNoble-j4q]

It is absolutely nothing like America , who seem to have no problem with our divorce laws. Their families actually love to be together. I have been traveled with my family for years and the culture all around the world is so different. I loved Europe ,. The people are so loyal. Once they find a friend , they seem to cherish them.

[@lindawolfe2885]

Just from reading the title my response was: Other woman? Have a wonderful life. Peace out.

[@albarochelle]

Most relationship that lack sex are not otherwise fulfilling relationships 😒

[@seckhoffable]

What a wonderful broadcast. I think so many people are naive about love and sex. You learn the hard way, or you don't learn. Or maybe there is no need for harsh lessons in your life. Your imagination can torture you.

[@michaelenemalanowski422]

Wonder if she learned how much cheaters lie. They'll say anything about their partners to get what they want. And I've heard men called home wreckers...

[@EMbee7]

I know the other woman shouldn't be meddling in other people's marriages. Period.

[@annamillan2903]

Darling maybe a few do that but often things are more complicated than the other woman and I have been both and at the same time. My husband had been in an affair for Six years without my knowledge and I fell in love with another man who was in committed relationship. It was only then that my, now ex husband, confessed he had a mistress.

[@EMbee7]

@@annamillan2903 I stand by what I said.

[@valdius85]

She was not, these men made a choice.

[@thecozyconstellation]

@@annamillan2903 disgusting. no morals whatsoever.

[@Lauren-i8i]

@@EMbee7👏👏👏

[@acceptingWhatIS]

Being raged at will put a woman off sex. So the rager justifies cheating.

[@rose4490]

I had the distinct misfortune of discovering that I was with a narcissistic abuser, and he certainly was a full of rage, but he was also a really charming person. Unfortunately I did not recognize the red flags. One especially interesting red flag was that he confided in me that all his exes had cheated on him, it's a shame that I didn't recognize that particular red flag for what it was. Thankfully I was only with my most recent ex-boyfriend for about a year and a half, but in that time I came to understand why his exes may have cheated on him, but I never cheated. I don't want to stoop to the level of the people I usually despise, just because the guy who came off as prince charming turned out to be a monster. I've been single, and made zero attempts at dating or even making friends since I left my psycho ex-boyfriend in 2017. I guess it might be kinda sad to some people, but I just don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. Now I have to take care of my elderly father who was widowed in 2022 so I want to be responsible; I have no time, or patience for bullshit.

[@DaveE99]

Dead bedrooms once you learn about it is really a thing that screws with your head about relationships.

[@markcavandish1295]

Absolutely

[@DaveE99]

@@markcavandish1295 though I’ve heard Adam lane smith talk about it from an attatchment perspective + in newly weds with significant drop in sex, often the culprit is low testosterone in the woman, it drives sex in both of us.

[@markcavandish1295]

@@DaveE99I totally believe that. I’ve actually been trying to get my wife’s primary care physician to look into vaginal estrogen cream (HRT) as a possibility of helping with both her perimenopausal UTI’s and zero libido, but she refuses stating she isn’t menopausal yet.

[@tedtalksrock]

5:40 She becomes the “other woman” not to several men but to their partners.

[@pamelavesey6381]

The divorce rate alone, without the added percentages of infidelity that doesnt lead to an actual divorce, prove that monogamy is NOT statistically viable for most ppl. Few ppl would invest alot of money into an expensive car that failed 93% of the time, as that would be ridiculous. Affairs should be normal and acceptable part of life. Younger generations no longer accept that an institution that fails 93% of the time is a desireable model. And they are practicing polygamy openly, along with Prenuptial agreements so that in case of divorce, the financial arrangements and child custody issues are already worked out. Which causes far less pain to all ppl and their families than some ugly expensive divorce that is nothing but a mud-slinging public festival of blame throwing.

[@suzannelee854]

Another reason why people don't talk about sex is bcuz there is a lack of commitment in the relationship. Without that, women especially, are reluctant to have sex or to even talk about it.

[@anthill1510]

I really don`t understand how the wives who don`t want or can have sex any more don`t have a talk with their husbands about the situation and what they are ok with him doing to get that outside of marriage. Same if the husband doesn`t want sex any more and the wife is facing that problem. I am a woman and if I would become disabled in a way where I can`t have sex any more I would talk to my husband about how he wants to deal with that and what I am ok with. I mean these are adult people, they must be aware that their partners still want to have sex and cannot live in a situation where they don`t get that for years and decades. This sounds like they don`t have real partnerships, but just this institution of marriage.

[@anzelaiv]

As she mentions, people don't know how to talk about such things. But some refuse to talk about it because they can't accept the idea of their spouse stepping out for any reason. You are right, it's not always a partnership, many marry to get, but not to give.

[@ChiCityLady]

I think they know the husband might seek outside sex but they don't want to know about it.

[@katrinaemily6601]

They ignore it.

[@melstarr1864]

I believe that a lot of men believe sex is supposed to be about mystery, exploration and fantasy. Talking frankly about it ruins the illusion.

[@anthill1510]

@@melstarr1864 A man who thinks talking about sex ruins something is not an adult, for sure a bad lover and a dangerous person. If you don`t want to talk about sex sooner or later it ends in assault because you have to talk about boundaries to know where they are. That`s just the safety side, but you also have to talk to find out what your partner likes. Men who don`t like talking about sex with their partner don`t "want to keep the mystery", they are afraid their ego could get hurt when their partner tells them they want them to do something different, it`s because of fear of inadequacy.

[@hope4463]

This is just help for men. They are likely abusive. Men lie to any woman they are having an affair with. It's one thing to live with someone and another to meet them casually. You will never know the man you are having an affair with.

[@kurtfreundlich-mayne5363]

The point that Ester made that there is no such thing as The Other Man. 19:10 I can understand from her perspective that there is no such thing due to the research she has done. However, we do exist. I was one, I was the other man to a woman who only wanted me to for full her sexual needs that she was not getting out of her long term relationship with her still current partner. I was the other man for as long as I could stand until it completely destroyed me. I still think about this woman every single day since we parted. I will live with that pain. We are here also @estherperel. We want love just as much as women want. We have just been through hell and back to get it.

[@LydiaKim-e9o]

I was in sexless marriage for 40 years due to marrying asexual man by family match making . 20 years of that was separated but legally married. During separation, I had an affair with a married friend. It was not intentional. It was very painful experience.

[@Lauren-i8i]

It was no accident. Yes, it was intentional. You need to own your sh*t. 👍

[@HoneyboyDes]

Why was it painful? Didn't you get joy out of it?

[@mindtag14]

I appreciate your honesty and I'm sorry other people feel the need to judge you so harshly. I think your circumstance was very unfair and must have been extremely difficult for so long. It's completely understandable that you found yourself connecting intimately with someone. It's a perfectly natural need for a human and I truly hope you are not burdened with any guilt society's ideals may try to force on you.

[@LydiaKim-e9o]

@@HoneyboyDes His wife was my friend.

[@SharonAvery-yj5pg]

Choosing to live in a bad marriage doesn’t give you a pass to be the third wheel in another person’s marriage. Make no mistake about it. The affair was intentional because you made the decision to accept this married man’s advances. Own it.

[@deannajoy6456]

I appreciate knowing what as a wife I did not opened up to . I think the author had opened up to something that is important and uncomfortable. I think this frankness is important.

[@carinawulff1673]

I generally love Esther and her work. However, the basis for this podcast, this article by Karin Jones, is entirely untethered and ungrounded in anything that I respect. This woman knowingly helped men cheat on their spouses. This is not someone we should be looking to for "insights" or advice. Her morally corrupt perspective is of no interest to me, sorry. I also think there is a lot more to the story than the wives "just stopped having sex with their husbands". Why did they stop, why did they lose interest in sex with them? That is the greater question to be explored here.

[@jarkachalmovianska7812]

Lack of communication, lack of closeness, realization that they are very different people with very different habits and preferences... people change.

[@anonanon7553]

@@jarkachalmovianska7812 Then be open and honest. No reason to cheat.

[@ebest1338]

@carinawulff1673. Good points made. This lady cheated with other men after she was divorced. Did she say why she divorced? Did she rejoice at being divorced? Did she experience pain etc.? Did she stop to think of what those wives would have gone through once they found out....they always find out even if it's some time after? Sounds like behind it all she was trying to justify or validate her reasons for being with married men. Why not choose single men? You asked some good questions at the end. I'd add that many times the husband does not communicate well if at all with his wife about his true feelings and he doesn't truly understand or see his wife in the same light...maybe for ego or selfish reasons. What does one say about those husbands who choose to cheat on the wife with a newborn? There are many faithful, committed, unsuspecting wives out there who try hard but get cheated on repeatedly...what does one say to them? The trauma they experience? The bottom line is cheating in all forms is very destructive. Scripturally speaking infidelity is not the way to go.

[@anonanon7553]

@@ebest1338 I totally agree with you. If there are problems in the relationship, cheating is never the answer. Leave. Ask for a divorce. Ask for an open relationship. Obviously, these are hard things to deal with, but anything is better than manipulation, deception, and dishonesty.

[@ebest1338]

@anonanon7553 Yes, that's right. Manipulation, deception, and dishonesty are killers. Finding out that this is what your husband was feeding you along with defensiveness and gaslighting, knowing full well he was repeatedly cheating is not easy on the unsuspecting wife. It is not. What does one say to that? And top it off, it's not like he stopped having sex with the wife. Is the wife still to blame? Again, I reiterate...infidelity is not the way to go. It's damaging. It's never forgotten no matter how much work one puts in to recover. We only manage to go on by learning how to cope with the aftermath. Only God can help us move forward.

[@carmelle2665]

I enjoyed this, but I guess I was expecting some sort of checklist of what they know.

[@FreeSpirit47]

Love it, the way people marvel at European polyglots. In many countries, it's a common necessity in many countries to be fluent in 2 -8 languages. I was born in the USA. in a small town in the USA. Native level in 5 languages, fluently read a 6th.

[@destinychild4659]

I wouldn't say in 8 languages, but maybe few.

[@FreeSpirit47]

@@destinychild4659 My comment did say 2 - 8 languages.

[@Yourmuthasaidso]

if that's true, you're an exception

[@carrollhayes6759]

The cheating spouse isnt honest about home life to get something extra on the side. Wants both.

[@caliac]

I'm sorry but that description of her 'favourite married man' sounds quite idealized... I don't know how anyone can take love advice from that woman 😅

[@angelicamaster7764]

Cheating husband's do you REALLY think your spouse doesn't know you're having an affair just because you didn't tell???? She notices every change in your behavior before you do!!! Now she becomes insecure and resentful because she knows you don't have her best interest in mind. Every lie you tess is poison to her. She can't trust you. This is why betrayal causes a more traumatic ending to your marriage.

[@IAmTheEggMan111]

Have sex with him and it massively less likely that he will cheat

[@chilloften]

Interesting. It turns me on to know my partner has been loyal. And I ask that.

[@juanadrianrobaina5763]

Me too, loyalty and fidelity are basics for me😊

[@N2MyGroove]

I absolutely love her. So many meaningful dimensions & depths within her teachings. It seems to unearth & re-frame the essence of love & intimacy, sans the societal dogma, with reason and compassion ❤

[@Private.eye.007]

How did I know going into this that the author was going to engage married men, act like she’s not participating in facilitating cheating, and then sit in judgement of the men she takes into her bed. Standard _no accountability._

[@ladyoftheflowers44]

Lets not forget about how women are more likely to receive a life threatening STI from a man, and as soon as you "let" your partner sleep with other women, there's no guarantee that woman won't try and secure this man into a committed relationship with her. I don't know many or any women who long term would be happy sleeping with a man who is married to someone else, our biology compels us to hold onto a male partner as it can be dangerous for us to get pregnant and not have this support. S* intimacy is more high stakes and more dangerous for women. I'm so tired of the internalized misogyny and lack of understanding of women's needs, that the older generation has. You can't save yourself by aligning with the patriarchy, it will never work.

[@Gotoworkkk]

Back to the husband, wanting to sleep with other women. They’re are condoms, which would protect from STDs’. Problem solved.

[@victoriagadd6831]

Wow - so enlightening. And interesting - human nature. I’m purely an observer having been alone now over 20 blissful years but still find it fascinating. We’ll never know. Mankind will analyse love, sex, relationships forever. Trouble is we are all different and have different needs and we often love/are in love with other people whose needs and desires differ greatly from ours. I hear it all the time from my friends - male and female. There is peace and calm in aloneness and celibacy. I have/have had male companions - only companions. I would never entertain friends with benefits (hate that expression) have had though I have loved men I’ve not had a relationship with per se but intimacy and I love them to this day and am still in contact. So, every human being is different though we all have similar basic needs - love, affection and companshio, food, drink and sleep!

[@marcellaegnatia7940]

couples therapy is stupid...many women are needy and men pick up on this...also people change over time and want different things

[@Nonameforyoudangit]

I know that what I'm about to comment is shallow considering what an intellectual Dr Perel is.... but I'd love to know her self-care / workout routine. She ages so gracefully - looks great and appears to be energetic.

[@digbybaines7813]

"The homewrecker does not exist in the masculine." Good heavens - the tone deafness of that line was staggering. I have a lot of respect for her views and opinions and have heard her speak many times. But that line was one hundred miles off course. There are men who seek out married women for the same emotional avoidance reasons that Ms. Jones cited in her article, and they are just as much homewreckers as women like Ms. Jones who do the same thing.

[@teeryan19]

Affairs are not about sex people don’t stop having sex because they don’t like it. Roomates phase need for outside validation narcissism childhood trauma fear of intimacy avoidance the list goes on. Fix your marriage or get out. The pain a third person causes reverberates through children family and friends betrayal changes everything. There’s no justification. You can’t have an intimate relationship with your spouse when you are having intimacy outside your marriage.

[@onewaytoplay]

I think people are afraid that they are going to lose their relationship with the one they love if they talk about the lack of sex in their relationship.

[@jnmanousos]

I agree that there is fear but give it a try and just say I expected more sex in our relationship and I don’t want to live the rest of my life not enjoying sex and intimacy. We have a great relationship otherwise but do you think it’s best we visit a sex therapist

[@Lauren-i8i]

@@jnmanousos If I were you I would tell my Partner what you just said. But I would preface it with: ‘I love you very much, Honey.’ And I wouldn’t say: ‘I EXPECTED more sex.’ as if she is your employee who is underperforming. I would say: ‘I love being with you and I was REALLY HOPING for more sex.’ This will make her more receptive to what you have to say. Telling her this on the drive home after a nice dinner out is a good idea since people are usually more relaxed after eating with the Dopamine surge. Also, the conversation is easier in the car (when you’re in person but not staring face to face since that’s awkward.) 😂 Try to express how much sex means to you in order to feel closer to her emotionally. Women need to understand how men are wired. Women need to feel close BEFORE having sex. Men don’t - they could have a fight one minute and be ‘going at it’ the next. But this is your way to BOND with her like NONONE ELSE. You can also tell her you want to make sex better for her. You must be willing to ASK her for what HER preferences are. And actually DO THEM. APOLOGIZE if she told you before and you didn’t care enough to consistently do it for her. The better sex is with you, the more she will want to have sex with you! There are videos on YT that teach men how to get their Partner to the finish line. This is how you become her Hero, you two become closer & she will WANT more sex (barring some medical issue.) 👍 P.S. Studies show women’s #1 reason they don’t want sex is their mans HYGIENE. I don’t know what you guys are THINKING. Using SOAP in the DAILY shower will help YOU get what you want - JUST rinsing off or even a dip in the chlorinated pool will NOT do it!!! 🙄 Women have a great sense of smell & we think that not showering with SOAP is disgusting. Is that what you did when you were DATING? On the other hand, you don’t want to smell like someone living in an AXE chemical cloud, either. But SMELLING bad is a major turnoff for women. And the truth is, you could be so used to it that you have gone ‘Nose Blind.’ I personally know a woman who will NOT sleep with her man any more because he WON’T shower with soap unless he’s going to work. What is this, the Middle East??? Do yourself a favor and don’t be THAT guy! Family Systems Theory shows that when YOU change - SHE changes. It sounds like magic but it REALLY works! 💕

[@sacredbudha]

Marriage is a legal institution which is actually doubting trust in between two human beings. It is for me amazing to see how people still overlook this basic fact. However some people still manage to love each other in spite of marriage. Well done! The day marriage disappear most of the therapists and lawyers will loose their job. Until then have fun!

[@janezamudio4940]

Don't bet on it!

[@katrinaemily6601]

The history of marriage says it all. It is out dated. People need to catch up. You won’t have divorcee written on your coffin ⚰️ 😂 If you love someone why chain them to you? You don’t need to. Let them be free. And if they want to go, let them go, greatest act of love ever ❤

[@anzelaiv]

Good point. There's nothing romantic or loving about a marriage, it's a contract that ensures a form of stability for the children. It's nothing more than a promise of cooperation between adults. Anything beyond that is a romantic fantasy that prevents people from accepting reality.

[@elysemcclure148]

Interesting perspective. I think it takes more trust to willingly bind yourself to another. Sure, it makes it more difficult for your partner to leave, which could speak to your own insecurity, but it also makes it more difficult for you to leave, yourself. Why do that, if not for trust? Just sign a prenup. There’s plenty of couples who aren’t married that want to leave each other, but they continue to live together because they never decided how they would split the house.

[@marcellaegnatia7940]

totally agree

[@manfredschmalbach9023]

Him insisting in consummation of his marriage is called "domestic violence" and prosecuted harshly recently. Her closing shop and still insisting in his monogamy she just turned into a nogamy on the other hand, despite being the female version of domestic violence, is normalized, not discussed and prosecuted accordingly.

[@mariesolal]

The idea that all cheaters have a "dead bedroom" and it's not BS cheaters say at this point is laughable

[@amc3964]

Exactly.

[@lisa408t]

Agree

[@Freeyourmind-y4g]

Yup

[@Chaxbs]

Plot twist: Esther and her husband have not managed to reconnect sexually for a decade. Bottom line: Therapists are human beings, too.

[@nancychace8619]

Interesting. A couple of important things I'm not hearing, though. What's going on for/with the "other woman" emotionally or otherwise, what she misses out on in terms of stability, committment and depth of emotional experience, particularly if she must live in the shadows, where is THAT at? Also the little problem of disease associated with sexual promiscuity - STDs are no joke. Agree, deception and lying are ultimately corrosive, at least in most circumstances. Appreciate the discussion. Thank you for sharing.

[@susan9188]

STDs? Why do you assume the woman is sleeping around. Most APs are loyal to the MM. A lot of APs are independent women who get the best of both Worlds and don't want to be married. Problem is if they fall in love with the MM.

[@pegsutton8438]

She’s brilliant at her craft

[@benscott6826]

How do wives deny a need of the one they proclaim to love the most? Simple they don’t love them the most.

[@williamjohn7909]

This is such a Western female conversation. Nothing is said about women having affairs. Even the essay is written from a female perspective. It almost sounds like she's doing charity work in it. I am a 63 year-old man who in his youth had frequent affairs with married women. All were initiated by the women. Why did they want the affairs? That's easy because I made them feel alive. We talked, we laughed and we had fun. They all also wanted more than that, they wanted emotional attachment. I stopped having affairs because I knew it was always going to be hard for women just to have fun. A man can have a laugh, have sex and move on. A woman wants to share their inner feelings, bond with you and you to be there for them. They will also always choose the latter if they have to choose. In Western society there has been so much nonsense talked about men and women being equal that it is forgotten we aren't. Thousands of years of evolution and biology means we are different on so many levels. Incidentally I stopped dating Western women as well. They are too confused about what it means to be an actual woman and accept that women are great. Western women are now too interested in trying to copy men.

[@shans1986]

No one can be truly free in a relationship.

[@KoreaMojo]

If fear is what is associated with a relationship it is true.

[@amc3964]

Free for what??

[@Catoo.]

In that case, no one can be truly free in general, not only in marriage. As we are constricted by laws, rules, regulations, as well as we are influenced by many things that we do and don’t have awareness!

[@csmith9699]

Sure you can be free in a relationship as long as you and your partner are flexible and creative

[@evadebruijn]

Freedom always ends where another persons freedom begins. It is a negotiation. An agreement of two people. What works for them. But turning away toward a third party instead of toward partner is usually not the most constructive thing to do. See the Gottmanns and the bids for connection predictive theory for relationships to thrive & last. ✌️

[@Karina_Engr]

I love this woman. ❤ thank you Dr. ❤

[@chirokathleen]

Esther is not the ultimate guide for all of us. She’s that “ultra cool” person that I will never achieve being and I’m fine with that. I’m over it.

[@excellentcomment]

Life is happier when you're authentic. I wonder how many people make themselves miserable trying to be cool. It is probably jejeune.

[@leonore3349]

What do you mean by "ultra cool"?

[@Lauren-i8i]

I hear you - but I disagree Esther is ‘ultra cool.’ She is good at promotion & marketing her stuff so she can make money. One thing I know for sure: Esther Perel admitted cheating on her Husband. That, for me, is POLAR OPPOSITE of ‘cool! Our goal should target being the best version of OURSELVES possible. There will never BE another YOU. If there are qualities we admire in others we can also incorporate them. For example I heard a woman say she always likes to have a challenge in life. I admire that & thought it’s a good perspective so I will be doing more challenging things. There is a difference between adopting some part of another that is good for us v.s. just feeling bad because they have something we want. The problem with wanting to be deemed ‘cool’ is it is predicated upon other people’s opinions. I’m defining myself by my own personal opinion and realize there are 3 groups of people: 1. Those who mock / laugh at me. 2. The confused / perplexed. 3. Those who GET me. THOSE are my people. I can’t figure out the rest. I have to LET IT GO. This world would be a very boring place if we were all the same! You do YOU. The world craves AUTHENTIC people now more than ever! Not ‘perfect’ or ‘cool.’ I, for one, am kind of REPELLED by Perel - not everyone thinks she is ‘cool.’ . 💕

[@lorirock2630]

Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. Out you go and don't come back. Abuse to children is the only thing worse!. People need to break down things to a clinical level and stop comparing your situation to society and what you see on social media. Get your heart out of the equation. Your life is being wasted trying to make things work with a cheater and the cheater moves on and you are left to pick up the pieces. Don't waste your life!

[@Fatimina8]

A man is naturally polygamous, even if only in thought. Even the good ones, despite having the best wife who fulfills every need, may still be curious or act on it.

[@Laura-ux8vt]

Married men don’t care about anyone but themselves IMHO

[@rose4490]

They're very entitled.

[@Specoups]

Please all of you continue to show yourselves in the comments so men can avoid you.

[@mahoganyhippie27]

It's funny how people always assigns blame to the person who was cheated on when it actually always comes down to the person who cheated. A person makes a choice to cheat. We all have our own agency to control our choices. Cowards cheat. You're also a coward if you don't tell your partner why you don't want intimacy with them. If you don't tell your partner about your concerns in your relationship, you are a coward. If you tell that person and you can't fix the issues, move on. I know some factors play a major role in why people stay but we all are the architects of our own problems. We choose to live in uncertainty. We choose to live in deception. You can become a prisoner of your own insecurity. That doesn't mean someone else has to pay the price for it. Let them go if it will never go anywhere.

[@amc3964]

Perel seems to blame the betrayed. Not a fan for this reason.

[@csmith9699]

​@@amc3964Perel says many types of betrayal...actually

[@anonanon7553]

I agree. It's very simple. If you can't communicate with your partner that's on you.

[@csmith9699]

@anonanon7553 How is it on you if you communicate well, are willing to and partner is not...only deflects and denies, gets defensive unreasonably and there is no resolution because they will not discuss? I suppose then it is on you if you can and do communicate with your partner and they refuse communication with you about the difficult stuff (or anything uncomfortable to them). It's really not that simple and can be very frustrating...unless you mean...well if my partner refuses to communicate on important issues then it's simple, I will just leave. Sure, that might be clear black/white thinking but lives can be messy often because of external circumstances that we (nor our partner created). Can actually be complex and there are various ways relationship can be managed. How is a partner's unwillingness to communicate with you on any given issue (and you are willing and able to communicate with them)...how is their refusal to communicate/discuss, etc..."on you?"

[@ebest1338]

​@@csmith9699 great point

[@worldview730]

Sex as a weapon can be dangerous

[@TrueWalker88]

Suggesting that truth is subjective based on culture is absurd, and a very harmful thing to pose. There is no such thing as personal truth, my truth versus your truth. Truth is absolute. Gravity doesn't apply to you only if you think it does, it is a universal law that applies to everyone, and the same goes for love. Either something is loving and life-giving, or it's not. Thinking that deception is protecting someone is pandering and it's not speaking to the higher potential in each of us. Everyone must be given the chance to do what they will with the information they are given, but everyone deserves the wholehearted, complete truth. Because it has an effect on them whether or not they know it.

[@rose4490]

Yeah, I don't get why so many people like this chick. 😕

[@TrueWalker88]

@@rose4490 Probably because they are filled with shame instead of humility. Hearing truth triggers that shame, and instead of being humble to the grief beneath it, which is how they would heal, they seek to eradicate the shame feeling, which she does by validating them.

[@CarrieNoble-j4q]

A person either cheats for all different reasons. A person who is faithful , man or woman , do so out of respect for themselves, their beliefs, faith and their marriage vows.

[@wckd4u]

Have to disagree about there not being another man. My mom had an affair with a former boyfriend who also went back and forth between my momand his wife. He is the other man and i absolutely define him as a homewrecker. Its been 20 years and I dont acknowledge him. And he doesnt try with me either. So yes, he is aware of the damage he caused in my life and accepting of “living in the shadows”.

[@kayku5086]

I see cheating as less of a sex thing and more about an integrity thing. I’ve never cared about a guy I’ve dated fucking other people; in fact, I was bummed he never thought to invite me in or agreed to open the relationship if that is what he wanted to do. When some people cheat, it happens so long before any body contact and is quite emotional and psychological. But I have a firm rule that I don’t participate in cheating whether I am with someone or being positioned as a third party. Why? Integrity 101. It’s not the fucking, it’s the lying. It’s the lack of values that respect the emotional safety of others who you claim to care for. And even if you don’t care for them anymore, your integrity is yours alone to discredit or destroy. At the end of the day, for me, it came down to: sure, I can have someone else in my bed to feel better for a moment or get back at my cheating partner or whatever narrative fits the bill, but that was never possible for me because at the end of the day, it wasn’t about who I could sleep with or who they slept with, it was about whether I could sleep with myself at the end of the day, integrity in tact. Just remember: trust is beautiful but it’s not even about how much you trust the other person, it’s about whether you trust yourself to fucking walk when it’s time to fucking walk. Keep it simple. Integrity counts. It builds character. I’ve been harmed and hurt beyond belief but have few regrets if any because I maintained my integrity and, by doing so, maintained and protected my dignity. Keep your dignity. Maintain your integrity. Feel your feelings. Trust yourself. Fuck the rest.

[@kayku5086]

After you’re mad about the way they betrayed you, try your best to have compassion for yourself even though it is so hard to do because eventually you get mad at the ways you betrayed yourself but you can’t be upset. Remember, no one can use you. They can betray you, mislead you, lie to you, deceive you, devalue you, discard you, but never use you. It is not your fault that you believed in someone else or that someone lied to you about who they were or what they were up to. You just remember that integrity does mean something in our sad world of transactional relationships and commoditized consumerist content creation. It doesn’t come with a lot of likes or followers, but it does give you a sense of self respect and respect from others. It’s more about soul than spectacle. All you can do is hold space and trust yourself to walk when it’s time to walk.

[@SuperBari2009]

Exactly.

[@H.ÖzerkanMavi]

I found that when men cheat they seem to find someone that is lesser of a person than the wife. Someone they weren’t even on guard with or thinking they would want. Or they should stay away from or that it’s too dangerous/ too tempting. Until suddenly it was. Usually by way of an unexpected “innocent “ kiss

[@valdius85]

I've heard something completely different. Most people cheat with people in their social circles, with people they know well for multiple years. But none of them write books about it.

[@brandywhine4856]

The affair partner is morally reprehensible and that’s what the cheater believes about themselves as well. They are on equal footing. Both selfish, immature and desperate. Sounds like a great way to start a relationship no?

[@ioana.p]

I feel the same when I listen to her podcast! :)

[@gmy33]

"The other woman" position is a very logic position for a woman who just fills her needs periodically .. business woman do this all the time with rent a men .. and single man of certeain age like this freedom too !

[@user-vr6ry6ot4k]

Cheaters should be forced to get a tattoo on their foreheads so that they can be identified and avoided

[@AstonishedonEarth]

What would the wife do if he treated her like he does the mistress? Generally cheating is a cop out, rationalizing away ones actions, both people that know about the marriage are responsible. Maybe in other cultures it is understood there will be infidelity on part of the man, but woman may even suffer death if she cheats.

[@melkerner]

Try being married with someone who has withheld sex for years or even decades for no GD good reason other than her own selfish reasons - then preach about it. there are a LOT of reasons some men cheat. some men will cheat regardless of the situation - but MOST men don't, unless their Wife decides to remove sex form the relationship (which is on the rise and becoming more and more popular among women).

[@AstonishedonEarth]

@@melkerner hahaha cant you tell the person you want to step out so you can offer to get a divorce? You're just pulling a power play.

[@melkerner]

@@AstonishedonEarth Still have kids in the home - I don't relish bankruptcy over the inevitable child support payments. All are adopted - so post partum is not the issue. Not a thing to laugh about - that tells me everything I need to know about where you are coming from.

[@AstonishedonEarth]

@@melkerner ok sorry, its complicated im sure. I apologize and wish you financial freedom so you can make the choices you really desire

[@katerinalongoria9750]

A question for the men: If your marriages was not lacking sex would you still find it possible to fall in love with another worman? Or is lack of sex the only reason men cheat?

[@marcellaegnatia7940]

no sex is nto the only reason men cheat...they don't like the wife anymore

[@renatabilac8119]

Sex is never just sex. That's why infidelity is a problem. If your partner have a physical need and fullfils it with another person, while using protection, why should it be worse than eating with someone else? But this kind of sex rarely satisfies the other person. You have to do something to pleasure the other woman/man, you have to connect to what she/he likes. it's never "just sex" if it's a good sex. It's always some kind of connection. Also, they talked. About things they would never say to their spouse. That's the betrayal. If the woman is not disabled or just doesn't want to have sex with you anymore and instead of trying to pleasure her, find a new/old way of intimacy, go to couples' therapy, do some work, you go and pleasure someone else...That means you left the spouse in the problem alone. You ran away from it. Sex is a natural need, sex is not the problem. The running away is.

[@suzannewilliams759]

I LOVE Esther Perel. 👍💔

[@user-vr6ry6ot4k]

If you don't want to be monogamous then don't. But don't lie to someone and cheat. If you can't fix your relationship then end it. Don't be a coward and cheat. Cheating is evil. Only losers cheat.

[@DarniseMartin]

If it was a fling, I wouldn't want to know. Let him live with it forever.

[@thecozyconstellation]

even if his fling gave you an STD?

[@TheKillaBunny77]

I started out really loving Ester, her famous Ted talk helped me a lot after I discovered my husband’s infidelity. But I can’t get my head around the actions of the other woman. Why did she do this? Why when my husband told her he was struggling, why did she immediately throw herself at him? Why didn’t she tell him to either a) speak to his wife or b) tell him to seek professional help? Why did she think it was okay to make romantic moves on him? My man then had a mental and physical breakdown due to his guilt. He stopped eating and his weight plummeted. All physical intimacy with me, even the hugs and goodbye kisses stopped. Of course I noticed. I’ve been with the man for over twenty years I can read him like a book. I knew immediately something was wrong. He risked losing me and the kids, for what? A bit of new skirt at work who showed an interest? he opened up to the wrong person who should have given him advice, not tried to get in his pants!! Meanwhile, of course I noticed. I might have been in the upheaval of a new job and cancer diagnosis, but fucking hell if I had known what was going on with him, I could have helped! I keep trying to put myself in the shoes of this other woman and I can’t do it. I can never envision a moment in my life where a guy at work starts opening up to me about his personal life and then instead of telling him to ‘go home and talk to your wife’ or ‘if you can’t do that, at least seek some therapy’ - instead of all of the above I can’t imagine myself calling him over to a quiet spot and forcibly kissing him. Knowing that he’s married with kids and having a personal crisis. No matter how much I fancied the guy I can’t ever imagine being that fucking selfish, having that little self-respect. Or having zero conscious about what I was doing to him and the wife and family once it all became known. And it will always become known. What kind of a person does THAT? A predator, a narcissist, a fucking bitch with zero humanity, that’s who. I hope this other woman stays lonely and miserable in her sad pathetic life for what she did. Since then we have done everything that Ester talked about, talked more than we ever have done in the past, are enjoying the best sex we’ve ever had. Are closer and stronger now than we’ve ever been. I might have that bitch to thank for that, but in all honesty I still wish she’d just told him to come home and talk to me. Then at least I wouldn’t have had to learn about his infidelity and have my whole world and everything we built and everything I thought I knew about us and all the trust that was built up over 20 years come crashing down. Because that was the most painful experience I have ever had, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Except the fucking bitch, I really hope that one day, when she’s struggling and at her lowest, some fucking cow doesn’t tell her struggling partner to come home. I hope that other woman makes her partner start to question his marriage and it destroys their trust. Hopefully Karma is coming for her. I wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire. So how about we stop excusing the man for having no choice but to go elsewhere? How about we start fucking vilifying the other bitch of woman who predates on married men? Where are her morals? How about THAT? Because I did not ask for any of this. I did not deserve any of this. I did not create any of this. Yet I’m the one to blame? FUCK THAT NOISE. Seriously. Be a better person. Tell that man to go home. Have more self respect and chase people who are not married. Okay? Ffs. I can’t believe that needed to be said.

[@kimwilliamsrumble7251]

I’m sorry to hear your husband cheated on you I’ve been through that too with a partner but I’ve also been a mistress and even though I would no longer do that I think the blame lies primarily with the person who cheated not with the person who they cheated with I hear this so many times and the mistress always get the blame I’m sorry but I didn’t force anyone to have sex with me he was the one who dropped his pants he was the one with the responsibility to his wife and his children the fact you say he lost so much weight because of the guilt well in my opinion he should have kept his dick in his trousers unless he was psychically tied up or tortured then I’m afraid that’s his fault not the other woman and all the time you are blaming her you are not blaming the real culprit I didn’t feel bad for the spouse when I did it I didn’t know her or love her I wasn’t to blame and the sooner you accept that then maybe you’ll kick him out on the street and get on with your life without him

[@xan8185]

You’re not to blame, but no woman owes you anything at all. None whatsoever ever. You believe she preyed upon your man? No, he’s fully to blame. He should have gone to you to talk to you. And sometimes it’s not even about that….maybe he didn’t need to talk maybe he was feeling lost in himself and decided for an adventure but soon realized he was riddled with guilt. Sometimes yea it’s just a skirt they are after. Because being married for so long gets boring. I can openly say that because I’m married two decades and the shit gets boring and stagnant. You’re husband is to home. The other woman/women owe you nothing at all.

[@oddballchic]

It sounds like to forgive him you had to hate her, which is fair, to each their own. You do sound very, very angry. Be careful with that, it could be corrosive.

[@trishbo20yourma]

You sound very angry!! That's septic. Get rid of the husband he will cheat again! He probably broke down and caused big drama because he got caught (for the first time).

[@oddballchic]

@@user48lt52 Exactly. It is illogical to have such hatred for this person when the one who betrayed you is still sleeping in your bed. It’s madness.

[@gr33n4pple]

Love Esther….she is such a treasure! Thank you 🙏♥️♥️

[@Silenceisgolden-o9o]

My husband is only kind in the bedroom. Out of it he Is a covert narcissist. It is a true mind fu&k. Stopped loving him years ago.

[@marieomfarrell8410]

You pronounced her name wrong every single time.

[@angelapaul4967]

I challenge that there isn't the concept of the male home wrecker (or even the other man) In Brazil there is the word 'stragalar' (home wrecker) which can be applied to a man

[@thecozyconstellation]

that word does not exist in the portuguese language or in brazil. i think you got your facts mixed up.