Every Hatchetfield Character Ranked

none of these clips are mine. NOTE: i only included characters who appeared on stage (so no gerald or grace chastity) and had at least one line spoken or sung.
follow me on insta! / breadroll_sk

[@breadroll_sk]

there is no real criteria for these rankings besides my instinctual gravitation to them lmao . . **ALSO it was confirmed in a livestream that the rude customer and man in a hurry are separate characters!!

[@copperrose4376]

bread roll I enjoyed this but one question WHERE IS GERALD (I’m sorry if I’m being an idiot and missed his number)

[@ceruleanhearts7604]

@@copperrose4376 they said in the description that they only used characters that appeared onstage

[@nurailidepaepe2783]

@@ceruleanhearts7604 he was on stage.... in..... spirit

[@ProfessorWalnut]

Emilia Knowles They also skipped Donna

[@randonn_nes2181]

Can you make a part two with nightmare time characters

[@erinmckenna605]

Ranking Hot Chocolate Boy above Wiggly was a POWER MOVE

[@soupcorvus7451]

agreed, hot chocolate boy (aka oliver) has my whole heart

[@FloreMar-yp3iz]

@@soupcorvus7451 HIS NAME IS OLIVER???? I fucking love that name. Perfect names for perfect people uhu

[@alic2923]

WHAT IS THAT CONFIRMED

[@CassidyWoollaston]

SaltyRat is that his actual name cause i love it

[@soupcorvus7451]

i’ve seen a couple people call him oliver so i think so, it’s hard to know for sure though

[@Savemyfeels]

When “Homeless Guy” made it over “Ted” I knew this was a good list

[@naomida22]

When rude customer is above Sam

[@married2kjs]

Naomi Dadya when LITERALLY EVERYONE is above sam

[@sevencats4964]

.

[@sapphicmoonlightlilith]

this hits different now

[@_veronica_r]

Honestly I feel like Hidgens should have been at least the top 5, maybe even top 3.

[@misao_pavel]

If you haven’t already memorised Gary Goldstein’s entire audit dialogue there’s something wrong

[@apffee7287]

good thing i have and recited it along with jon.

[@marinarasauce5701]

hi, gary goldstein, attorney-at-law. i was a little further back in line. are you aware that my client, linda monroe, suffers from a rare, little-understood anxiety disorder? and any lasting medical conditions which may arise from stress caused on _these_ premises are _your_ liability, sir? i hope you have your finances in order! get ready for audits! audits, up ya ears. audits, in ya ying yang. audits out your *wazoo* !!!

[@ninasimpson6639]

Bold of you to assume that I haven't memorized all of his lines

[@peternoparker]

audits up your *W A Z O O*

[@thatonestarkidfan3918]

Hi Gary Goldstein, attorney in law, I was a little further back in line. Are you aware that my client, Linda Monroe, suffers from a rare, little understood anxiety disorder? And that any lasting medical conditions that may arise from stress caused on these premises are your liability, sir? I hope you have your finances in order! get ready for audits! Audits up your ears! Audits in your ying yang! Audits in ya wazoo!! HiGaryGoldsteinattourneyinlaw. Are you aware that my client, Sherman Young, is being discriminated against- Ooh right in the *subpoena!* Can I use these coupons? Her protector... Gerald? Yeah, it’s Gary. Yeah. We gotta talk about the will. Goldstein!! *singing parts* -🎶It’s called PTSD🎶 -🎶It’s mine🎶 -🎶It’s mine🎶 -🎶You never should settle🎶 *Also insert 😬 in between every line said* Gary Goldstein attorney in law actually doesn’t have many lines for such an amazing man. In this essay-

[@jade-uq6gx]

if Gary Goldstein wasn't at the highest tier, we would all have audits in our wazoos

[@coleneumann4628]

I H O P E Y O U H A V E Y O U R F I N A N C E S I N O R D E R

[@camithecamel]

G E T R E A D Y F O R A U D I T S

[@hannatara02]

A U D I T S U P Y O U R E A R S

[@aceofrooks]

@@hannatara02 A U D I T S I N Y O U R Y I N Y A N G

[@birch3904]

Audits in your wazoo

[@tatyanaj7085]

As much as I wish Jaime was in Black Friday more, she's really the only Starkid who could've played those characters, I don't think anyone else could've pulled off Sherman lol

[@briansilva3344]

Tatyana J is it the eyes? She has the the most character-like eyes

[@thatguycalleddan1702]

It’s just a testament to her amazing range. I love her harmony in Wiggle too.

[@sarahkinsey5434]

Sherman is definitely one of my favorite Jaime roles!

[@mollywhiteman8956]

Tatyana J i would say maybe jeff but he’s too chaotic and not creepy enough

[@ellebagley5436]

I just wish Mariah was in it

[@marinarasauce5701]

"i can't be evil, i'm a status quo democrat!" is probably the most underrated line in black friday

[@Someone-cc2le]

I HAVE NEVER AGREED THIS MUCH TO A COMMENT BEFORE-

[@kathycat4452]

@Maya Aguilar this is the most beautiful dream ever

[@camithecamel]

The audacity to put Jingle and Jangle above Professor Hidgens

[@lisak8492]

Ikr

[@yourownmother9604]

Right!

[@am_lie]

IKR

[@darezoo]

That's right!

[@thekingofratz801]

exactly, I'm disgusted and outraged

[@chiangyorange9511]

seeing "jeff sniggle", oh youre ranking literally ALL hatchetfield characteers

[@kathryndavis9116]

They didn’t do peanuts the pocket squirrel

[@fivehundredlux]

*A L L*

[@sophiescribbles8504]

@@kathryndavis9116 peanuts is above everyone in hatchetfield

[@noamdavid8051]

@@sophiescribbles8504 He's WAY more superior

[@nathancreek6086]

Sneaky, we know you only included on stage characters so that Peanuts The Pocket Squirrel didn't take up all 57 spots on this list

[@dragonimbus7825]

Nathan Creek ah, but he is there. During what if tomorrow comes you can see Curt’s character holding a small stuffed squirrel. Definitely Peanuts.

[@amandablack4741]

Peanuts the Pocket squirrel, the only Squirrel I like.

[@peggy2983]

I'm pretty sure Peanuts does appear on stage. When Curt's character comes on stage during What If Tomorrow Comes, there's a little squirrel in the pockets of his hoodie.

[@mads9966]

We CANNOT compete with squirrels

[@stegosaurus6654]

@@mads9966 EXACTLY -EMMA- !

[@allieprovost7568]

if man in a hurry isn’t number one, i’m rioting

[@rakum4919]

Close one

[@thealtostarkid3360]

Close enough

[@JJ4EVER9232011]

The Alto Starkid Ayee nice name! I'm also an alto (second alto, technically)

[@februaryschneck]

I swear to wiggly if Man In A Hurry isn’t at the top I will start a cult to a stuffed doll.

[@thatonestarkidfan3918]

I dislike that word, Schneckinator 500, cult. No, it’s a new exciting religion that Man In A Hurry started

[@isobel7213]

*_aRE YOU FRIGHTENED???!!_*

[@apffee7287]

Uh, yeah, I think I *am* starting to get a little frightened.

[@marinarasauce5701]

*_y-you sHOULD bE_*

[@not-so-happypappypatton]

Emma~ Tip!

[@joshuatartar2731]

Hold on I gotta do this dumbass tip song

[@apffee7287]

I immediately cheered and whooped for joy when Sam was last.

[@yuvalmaharshak5566]

Why?

[@andrewhrusovsky9426]

Sam was great y'all just have bad taste

[@yuvalmaharshak5566]

@@andrewhrusovsky9426 you damm right

[@webby9044]

And that rude costumer was one of the last ones

[@someguydoingthings]

@@webby9044 Man in a Hurry?

[@killanelle]

i haven't watched it yet but my mind immediately jumped to "higarygoldsteinattorneyatlaw" and "and i'm in a hurry!'

[@computer_juice]

I like how the smoke club is one character

[@jazzhands8493]

I really think first is gonna be Gary Goldstein, with all the hype he's been getting

[@acwalter2838]

The well deserved hype

[@ivymoody4238]

It's all deserved

[@plusiegaming8962]

He deserves it TwT

[@Indomitable_Alykat]

It's what he deserves

[@scarlettstarkidtrashh1700]

If Jon had been in more shows than two I have a feeling that he’d have just stolen all of the top ten on this list

[@apffee7287]

Oh, definitely, Jon Mattestans forever

[@frizb9034]

Pretty sure jon is the most underrated starkid and its really sad

[@lillianamengual7733]

My poor cinnamon roll Charlotte :(( she was even beat by a nameless security guard, rip

[@kittyonpointe2347]

ssnnAAAAAAKKEE Also that death drop

[@SeaSparklesLP]

kris kringle above hidgens???? my mans doesn’t even live in hatchetfield

[@evieanne06]

I was thinking the same thing!!! The “Santa Claus Goes To High School” characters don’t live in Hatchetfield because their movie characters.

[@nora3067]

Well the president and the people in that scene don’t either

[@indecisivemess7504]

a background character got higher than all of Roberts rolls like what

[@annabellemonroe7728]

They were ranking characters in the Hatchetfeild shows. Not just people who live there.

[@jordanamos2460]

No appreciation for any customers in the coffee shop or the hatchetfeild bee

[@musicismygalaxy6070]

THE BEE I knew something was missing

[@erinwoah3696]

Or Curt at the end of the show. After so very intense investigation I can confirm he is wearing a different sweatshirt than the shopper was

[@gwenlumandas]

i was under the impression that Rude Customer and Man in a Hurry were the same person

[@apffee7287]

apparently not???

[@jeremysworld3061]

They confirmed that they were different people in the It's ALIVEstream

[@lunamadz1983]

Man in a hurry would never!

[@huoncampbell-ellis8147]

Man in a hurry would never waste his time arguing aver a tip, he's in to much of a hurry to even listen to a song

[@stargleekhp]

I really love Angela's sniggle for some reason

[@apffee7287]

don't blame you, lauren's sniggle makes me feel things but she has no solo lines so rip

[@ellkeesler]

That little wink when she says "don't be scared" *swoon*

[@lunamadz1983]

and Curts- “come and pway!” And wiggles

[@megankent-pb1pf]

Fittest sniggle out there

[@6idiotslover2711]

The smoke club deserved number 1

[@waynefodor3762]

YASSSSSSS

[@nora3067]

They’re just salty that they’re not in the smoke club.

[@thatonestarkidfan3918]

That’s what I was thinking, but then I remembered Gary Goldstein Attorney in Law, and decided that the smoke club should be second

[@heatherduke7361]

No we do not stan peer pressure ❗❗🚨🔊🔊❗🚨🚨

[@kiki8792]

@@heatherduke7361 Says Heather Duke.. may i remind you of Candy Store?

[@bigyeet9740]

Jaime's PEIP agent is named Colonel Schaffer, by the way

[@mateopotato7]

JAMES SNIGGLE DESERVED BETTER

[@kiki8792]

Curt Sniggle NEEDED to be higher

[@abc-qh5fc]

hidgens at 13 make me take step back before I remembered black friday

[@briansilva3344]

Cheezy - Extravaganza bill was number 6, probably should have been switched

[@avast47]

i wonder what he was like at 13 years old

[@hhh827]

I can't fathom Mariah as Lex. Angela is the one and only.

[@disgruntledradish6106]

Still wish Mariah was in BF, I love her and she's a great singer

[@bellac6311]

I think she’d have vocally managed, but I don’t think she could play as tough a character as lex. Her voice is very polished and pretty, so I feel like Angela’s performance would be better. But then again you never know

[@anarchistcatowner]

@@bellac6311 same Angela's alto was more suitable for lex

[@Local_acquaintance]

Ted is criminaly low but man in a hurry is my chaotic Aries boi so I can't complain.

[@starrynight7624]

I recited all of Gary's lines in all the scenes you showed of him perfectly and I'm proud of myself

[@apffee7287]

congratulations, your prize of audits will arrive in the mail shortly.

[@radioactive8662]

The name ‘Jeff sniggle’ is one of the best things I’ve heard

[@chalkkish]

i like how smoke club is considered one character

[@somnodaur8064]

Smoke club is a siblinghood

[@melodytheatre2887]

Macnamera as a character is completely slept on and putting him above fan favorites like Ethan and Hidgens is absolutely a take I am here for

[@valenarizio4313]

I love that jingle and jangle almost cracked the top 10. Its so unfair to the other characters below them yet its totally well deserved

[@apffee7287]

*yOu BeT tHeY dId, BoSs!*

[@valenarizio4313]

@@apffee7287 *tHAaaAat's RIgHt!*

[@jeremysworld3061]

@@valenarizio4313 All hail Jingle and Jangle, the supreme overlords of the universe

[@apffee7287]

Jeremy's World Gladly

[@samwurdemann2637]

Woah, woah, woah, this feels like unwarranted Jeff Blim hatred

[@apffee7287]

he just plays too many assholes, at least macnamara got 9th

[@horrorhistory7342]

Man in a hurry is number two!!!!!!

[@jm4954]

As a Sam stan I started this video like “mmmmMMMMMM” lmao (Yes, I know he’s awful but he is Funny and Entertaining to watch and that is my top priority)

[@breadroll_sk]

NEVER I LOVE JEFF BLIM

[@TheHakaseOne]

@@breadroll_sk if you really loved Jeff Blim, this list would look very different.

[@lynn_274]

aPpLe Of My Eye uwu

[@apffee7287]

god i hate sam so much

[@hollisjo4023]

@@apffee7287 God I love Sam so much

[@juliana.sirmans]

If hot chocolate boy, Gary Goldstein, Henry Freaking Hidgens, Homeless Guy, or Hannah isn’t number 1 I’m going to start a riots in a toy store.

[@juliana.sirmans]

K so Homeless Guy got 23. So I’m close to rioting. HCB got 20. about to do it. Henry Freaking Hidgens got 13. Getting closer to the spawn of satan himself Hannah got 7. Satan is now watching with me K Gary Goldstein got 1. Satan went home . Toy store is safe.

[@riversgoingnowhere1659]

IF TED ISN’T IN THE TOP TEN I WILL KICK YOUR HEAD!!!

[@roj6895]

Brave Moon bill > ted

[@nosuchthingasgoodcows7003]

Well go on then. I want to see you kick above the waist.

[@alastorbutwithagun]

oh woah, hey bro

[@oliverboisvert5215]

It's the most vulnerable part of the body! That's what Sensei Bill taught me.

[@maegonzalez9174]

Really you’re gonna kick my head. Yknow what do it kick above your waist show me the round house the sweeping crane kick

[@alic2923]

i love how all three of roberts main characters are all in a row

[@welcome-neo9188]

thank you for putting Gary Goldstein first.

[@mothwithahat]

OKAY LISTEN. MY INNOCENT BEAN CURT SNIGGLE PUT HIS WHOLE ENERGY INTO THAT AND YOU JUST TOSSED HIM AWAY. HE DESERVED BETTER AND I WILL BE BITTER ABOUT IT.

[@lunamadz1983]

I was waiting for this comment 😭😭 he proper wiggle dipped and pwayed his was to glory and he was cast aside 🥺😭

[@radioactive8662]

Gary Goldstein deserves to use those coupons

[@apffee7287]

at least he got his own cult from the starkid fans and got to be in one simultaneously.

[@beckdeck8586]

I was really upset when lex was only 3rd but honestly I get it now

[@imadeyoureadthis7823]

The Hot Chocolate Boy deserved better

[@soupcorvus7451]

fun fact his name is oliver (as in ethan’s cousin oliver i’m guessing, i refuse to believe that’s a coincidence)

[@polyphonicgherkins]

Hot Chocolate boy deserves his hot chocolate. Because he has very low blood sugar.

[@screechingbirbs6406]

this just shows that Jamie deserves better. if she isn't the main character soon I swear I'm gonna kill someone.

[@maggieandrews7676]

Screeching Birbs that e s c a l a t e d

[@camithecamel]

Screeching Birbs I will help plan the murder

[@nadiaeiffe8274]

@@camithecamel I can finish them off by kicking their head

[@mamoriken]

I’m hoping she will be one of the main characters as Deb since the next show is called Nerdy Prudes Must Die.

[@screechingbirbs6406]

Cami Pinchot or maybe a kidnapping to threaten nick Lang or Jeff into giving Jamie a bigger role

[@kittyonpointe2347]

THE GOD HOMELESS GUY HAS BEEN ROBED

[@sk70091]

True, but he only had three dollars so.

[@annawolff3135]

Sometimes I forget that Paul and Emma are played by the same actors as Linda and Gary. Lauren and Jon are definitely some of the best actors in starkid

[@curtmega]

Man Gary truly is the MVP

[@feuxfurfox729]

aRe yOu aWaaaaare that MY client,

[@JackieBorelli]

can we take a moment to appreciate the timing of mariah getting cast in mean girls, otherwise we wouldn't have gotten angela, whom I adore to bits. she's such a perfect addition to starkid & I can't wait to see what characters she plays in the future.

[@annabarnes5221]

You're forgetting the true number 1. Peanuts the pocket squirrel.

[@sophiepopemccright5430]

Okay by the time I got to the top two I had no idea who could be ranked higher than Paul, Emma AND Lex, but I have to say... *slow clap* I agree wholeheartedly :)

[@mari-su8up]

Thank you for not spoiling good sir

[@suzannahe.h6596]

Kim sniggle was robbed so was Curt sniggle

[@apffee7287]

the sniggles live in torment and fear and only do the bidding of their master wiggly, i think they were all robbed in general.

[@kal-zr6os]

i watched this and the pure eXCITEMENT i felt when i saw lex as three and had to think,, 'man, who are the only other 2 hatchetfield characters who haven't been said?' and then... mAN IN A HURRY AND GARY GOLDSTEIN,, this was,, a wonderful experience, to say the least

[@maggie-zr5ni]

If Gerald was included in the list would he be number 1?

[@killanelle]

100%, no doubt

[@mari-su8up]

Obviously

[@FloreMar-yp3iz]

WE ARE NUMBER ONE DU DU

[@FloreMar-yp3iz]

WE ARE NUMBER ONE DU DU

[@breadroll_sk]

of course. hopefully we see him in the next installment

[@musicismygalaxy6070]

This was absolutely excellent and i am in awe of you for being at all able to rank all these masterpieces Really made me realize how much they characterize every single person on stage, even background characters! but I have to say Uncle Wiley/Wilbur was CRIMINALLY low

[@syd1.26]

HeLLo NaUgHtY LiSt

[@taylormanning4958]

Hey you accidentally put a 0 after the 1 for Ethan Green

[@bunkmatecollabs5564]

I just now noticed that Lauren’s elf voice is just her Bugette voice😳

[@mondayfunday2477]

The whole sequence of Paul anxiety ridden head nods during Mr Davidson’s part just adds to the chaotic aura and boost the ranking

[@maddieslove1]

when i clicked i said “1 is either gonna be gary or hidgens” and i was not disappointed

[@rakum4919]

I didn't knew that uncle Wiley and Wilbur Cross were the same person Like Really

[@apffee7287]

yes

[@uselessalgae9381]

so is smoke club a rival hive mind to the musical aliens?

[@avast47]

idk but i want it to be

[@ForgeCD]

It's a coven of witches in npmd

[@sparrowcreamer1870]

Wait what-

[@leoraine5855]

I'm so glad we all agree that the smoke club is a singular character

[@strangedoingsinthenight]

Curt Mega did not go so hard in feast or famine to be placed at 42!!

[@waynefodor3762]

If greenpeace girl isn't in the top 20 Im suing Edit: Im not suing for GP girl Im suing because Man in a hurry is number 2

[@emilie7850]

He should be number ONE

[@e.lc.ee23]

Ethan was legit my favorite character, when he was introduced I expected him to be a jerk, but he was such a decent person, it was really refreshing to see!

[@alyssonharveybolduc7696]

Same (don't mind me being two months late lmao) At first I thought that he'd be an asshole but he directly became my favorite character

[@zachbrown4953]

Whyyyyy is Ted higher than Charlotte

[@madeleine.exists9207]

Curt Sniggle deserves better!!

[@arraine]

He was obviously the best sniggle.

[@lilychancey4446]

Omg your profile pic, I love bare!

[@peggy2983]

"now you got a reason for *fwends* to come and *pway"*

[@laangela3893]

becky is CRIMINALLY low on this list 💀 but valid valid valid this is a good video

[@kaitealattes]

Idk what it is but lauren and jon have A TON of chemistry whenever they play partners in anyway. And I LOVE IT

[@alexgrahn8854]

Curts snuggle is criminally low Edit: and his shopper

[@disco-spider]

Uncle Wiley and Homeless Guy deserve a bit more justice imo but other than that this is A+ content

[@escherianprincess]

I’m pretty sure rude customer and man in a hurry are the same person

[@apffee7287]

apaparently someone confirmed they were two people but idk

[@peachesndjules3309]

nope, there the same person, originally Jeff was supposed to say "I'm in a hurry" in tgwdlm but he was ironically too in character to say it, instead just running past the Greenpeace girl, so they had him say it twice in black Friday

[@evieanne06]

They are.

[@bellac6311]

It was confirmed in a Starkid livestream they were different

[@shawndougherty6056]

Me when I get to number one: Gary! Thank god!!

[@meba444]

I greatly disagree with this ranking, but I appreciate all the work you put into making this video, and the creativity in the idea 😊

[@breadroll_sk]

thank you

[@jamielynn8433]

I really liked that Emma and Paul weren't at the top of the list. They are great characters but I feel like there is definitely better

[@danandbands5854]

Glad to see the fandom getting over the weird professor hidgeons obsession. He was a pretty good character with a catchy song but definitely didn't deserve to be literally everyone's favourite character like he was

[@maya.godard]

woah when you said every hatchetfield character you really meant EVERY. HATCHETFIELD. CHARACTER. the dedication omg

[@solstiice]

The fact that Kris Kringle is above professor Hidgens hit right in the subpoena.

[@yourownmother9604]

You know hatchetfield characters are good when Hidgens isnt even top 10 on here.

[@amesr2592]

Man in a Hurry deserved how high he got, and I'm so proud of him.

[@theghostlyfigure9989]

Gary Goldstein and Man in a hurry are my all time favourites. No exceptions.

[@peanutsthesquirrel5225]

I genuinely love every single character in both shows none of them are extremely 1 dimensional even the smaller characters have personalities Edit: that said, Hot Chocolate Boy is an ICON how is he not higher

[@zoepool4600]

Curt Wiggle and Wilbur Cross are dangerously low on this list... Also you did my girl Charlotte a diservice for putting her so low! (Except for those, I love this list lmao)

[@sopiiii___]

Of course Gary is number 1. He is ALL about audits.

[@isabellamasso3448]

Gary being ranked #1 was worth 20:22 of my time

[@skiphalfmouw5273]

Technically, the characters from "Deck the halls of Northville high" aren't from Hatchetfield...

[@skiphalfmouw5273]

Also, I believe Man in a Hurry and Rude customer is the same person

[@frogsfoot]

shh dont ruin the fun lol

[@jordanamos2460]

@@skiphalfmouw5273 Its been confirmed as 2 characters

[@acwalter2838]

Neither is the government characters I think it is meant to be the Hatchetfield shows character

[@apffee7287]

yeah but theyre all from hatchetfield shows

[@toriwalton4873]

Putting Emma below Lex is bold, and while I disagree, I respect it

[@abhiramiprabakar7067]

i was mad until it got to the top 3

[@maddiecomer5697]

this video said jeff gets no rights

[@otka2845]

Bill or Paul should’ve been number one 😭

[@achillesnearsighted4561]

the fact that Sam is at the bottom of the list brings me immense joy

[@bi_cycle]

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO UNCLE WILEY

[@torigibson5835]

"gerald? hey it's gary ... yeaaaaup we've gotta talk about the will"

[@whatcanidooo]

I don't agree with a lot of this but I still fully support it just for the Gary Goldstein appreciation

[@vegpuppy255]

whatcanidooo me too. Exactly what you said 👍

[@harpykrates]

I saw man in a hurry at number 2 and i just- *I kn e w* what was coming

[@haileyiscommenting]

Wow you really meant _everyone_

[@_veronica_r]

Can't wait to see this get updated after all the Nightmare Time episodes are released on youtube

[@rehksthemess9800]

I thought the rude guy and man in a hurry were the same person so I was sad for a bit but then, it makes sense. Also if Paul or Emma couldn't have the top spot at least it was Gary

[@keileallen274]

At first I really wanted Hidgens in the top ten, but 13 is fine because it's my favorite/lucky number. Besides, having Ethan in 10th makes up for it.