Family Matters: Understanding Estrangement.

[@glennrobinson7193]

I believe some times its for the best that we cut people out of our lives.

[@jenniferybarra380]

Are you a doctor? Then shut up and listen.

[@ellyk8834]

@@jenniferybarra380 People walk away from you a lot don't they...

[@cyndimoring9389]

maybe but it just happened to me and I've wracked my brain, done a lot of self help and childhood trauma reading, willing to listen, to fix whatever with a son who only 2 weeks before he cut me off, told me what a wonderful mother i'd always been. So explain that....

[@ellyk8834]

@@cyndimoring9389 I will speak from my personal experience so take what you will from it... I had a difficult mom. She was constantly begging for reassurance that she was a 'good mom' even after she did crappy things. Obviously telling her, "No! You're a terrible mom! You treat me like $hit!" was unlikely to make her less angry and telling her I loved her and thought she was a "great mom" in the hopes she'd change in that direction was WHAT SHE WANTED TO HEAR. Children of abuse tell their parents what the 'parent' wants to hear. And the only thing they want to hear is, "You were a great mom! Of course I love you. You're the best!" Anything else is punished and when the kid (now adult) finally hits their limit, they stop pretending/telling you what you want to hear. So it seems like some 'switch has flipped' and the child just *poof* changed overnight. This is how "once loving"/close adults just walk from their parent(s) and the parent is confused.

[@cyndimoring9389]

@@ellyk8834 thank you for your directness and taking the time to respond. Maybe this is something I needed to hear. I don't have his perspective but I have yours, which is good.

[@teresamacey7039]

I lost my daughters and three grandchildren after my husband put me through separation and then divorce after 47 years of marriage. I tried to keep the family out of it but my husband forward private emails and court documents to our daughters. I tried to protect his character as I had always done but some very negative things about him came to light. He died suddenly before a final decree. So, I am the only one left to blame. I think tribal behavior plays some part in this, as well. I betrayed the tribe when I fought his court action and started breaking out of my normal role in the family. I had weak boundaries and when I learned to hold people accountable for behavior and starting setting boundaries all heck broke loose in our family. My husband was very controlling and apparently would not live with me once I began to value and assert myself. My therapist warned me that all the people I had spent my life making comfortable would jump ship. They did. I do not even have an address for any of them except one. It is tragic but I have taken responsibility and apologized for my part in it but have focused on rebuilding a productive, active, and serene life. My therapist said that was the best I could do so they could know I wasn't pining away over the estrangement. I miss them and I keep the door open. but I do not cajole or blame or even discuss what has happened. I keep it light. It is in God's hands. I trust that.

[@mariapilarme]

I am in the same situation . I do believe there was parental alienation from your husband. Their ego was hurt. Women in our society is seeing as submissive even dough nobody admitted it. When we stand for ourselves it’s considered a provocation. In my opinion it’s up to you to reconcile God is busy . Send cards, notes to get a reconciliation. Don’t give up. I won’t

[@cyndimoring9389]

Your children saw through him, don’t worry. Eventually they will mature enough to appreciate how you tried. Young adults seem shocked that their parents weren’t perfect and let them down. Until they start making their own mistakes.

[@lesterdiamond6190]

Every year as Christmas approaches my wife and I observe all the stress people go through dreading travelling for family dinners. Christmas for us is so relaxed. Great movies, great food, lots of rest, and most important no family BS. It's been 23 years now and we feel like we ghosting them all was one of the best things we've ever done. Just because they're related to you doesn't mean they want the best for you.

[@djpdyson]

💯

[@VanillaButtercreamFrosting]

Bingo.

[@lesterdiamond6190]

@@privateperson5769 My Christmas, watching the Godfather in bed with a plate of homemade shrimp dumplings, homemade spring rolls, chicken congee broth with deep fried Chinese breadsticks, take a nap with the dog, then a Double Feature in the Evening, Goodfellas and Donnie Brasco.

[@sophiavega1777]

@@lesterdiamond6190 🤗agree

[@sophiavega1777]

@@lesterdiamond6190 yes

[@ravenshoeNQ]

I have lived with abandonment and estrangement since the age of 6 when my mother left, then my father removed us from our entire family by taking us to another country. Then my younger sister made me estranged at the age of 25 and the ripple effects have been huge. Now at the age of 51 it has become so painful I am doing all I can to heal myself. It is just the start of what I can see will be a long journey ahead and I hope to one day be healed. I can certainly confirm that the second generation has been deeply hurt by the family estrangement and this just compounds the pain.

[@LisaGemini]

We should start a support group! I bet that would help. God bless you, I hope you find a good counselor to talk to and heal. I'm seeking a therapist now.

[@a_bode1]

I am so sorry for your suffering and the persistent pain that you've ensured. I know ❤️

[@lindaeasley5606]

My 2 brothers have chosen to make me invisible to them after our mother passed . I don't feel any emotion toward them anymore

[@LisaGemini]

This seems pretty common after a parent or both parents have died. In my family, my mother cut off her dad and brother. So as Dr. Pillemer says, it's perfectly acceptable to do this in my family! I'm gonna get his book, Fault Lines.

[@STMARTIN009]

I am oldest of three brothers and I am not close to the youngest one at all. I am fairly close to the middle one though. I believe after my parents pass I will still have contact with the middle but not the youngest .

[@thomasjensen6243]

Ha....it was very easy for me to leave my entire family behind. I was abused and unwanted by my entire family since I can remember (4 years old). I am 53 now and haven't known any family since I was 16 years old. I don't miss having family because you can't miss something that you never had.

[@carlas6168]

Ditto

[@LisaGemini]

AMEN. Your friends are your family now! Thank God you are smart and realize you are far, far better off without those losers. I used to say that I love my family but I don't like them much.

[@nammyohorengekyoooooo]

@@Rebel377 do u need to be that insensitive, did u read what he wrote? neglect and feeling left out and ostracized is painful, many people are just cold.

[@christinepizzi6197]

@@Rebel377 to hear what she had to say.......

[@morganpeck]

Your so much older than I I am sure happy you had zero problems leaving you're family behind. Hopefully you're kid's will happily cut you out of their lives. Congratulations

[@titarutledge431]

I' glad people are studying this. I am 1/2 way thru and narcissist hasn't been brought up. I hope they touch on that. OH, there it is. My sister made it impossible to have a relationship with her and has drawn my little sister in, too. It's sad and lonely and wrong but I am safer without them. Shunning, gaslighting, crazy making- all unhealthy for me.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

Yes, marriage to narcs doesn’t help either

[@user-ee5om8wy7u]

Some estrange because they are tired of feeling hurt. They feel hurt and they have tried to discuss their issue and resolve it many times. But every attempt to deal with their hurt feeling was dismissed, attacked or denied. So, they gave up and estranged in order to stop "bleeding" with emotional pain. But there are other selfish ways people estrange - narcissists estrange because they tr to manipulate. In their mind another family member must either serve their interest OR be ignored. If someone does not act like subservient, happy, convenient doormat - they are viewed as "selfish", "ungrateful" and are cut off. They want others to serve their personal interests yet don't consider themselves selfish. Instead they accuse others of selfishness for not serving their own selfish interests. See how twisted their mind is? Unless you are their doormat, you are selfish. In this latter case, be glad you're cut off. You don't want to serve the interests of someone who does not bother to think about serving others' interests but their own.

[@cyndimoring9389]

again, you're helping me. My son's father is the narc you describe. he called my emotional needs my drama and my problem. So I finally left him. Now my son is doing it to me too. The problem is my son's done enough therapy to think he's mastered his emotional life.

[@sparty2761]

That describes my newest sister-in-law to the T. Everyone person in her family she tried to control, they dumped her, seriously nuts. But I miss brother, his choice.

[@RS-ov2st]

ESTRANGEMENT, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE IT? There are so many sides to estrangement. One size does not fit all. There are true absolute cases of real abuse, where people are sexually or physically abused. There are people that are truly, “severely”mentally abused, or bullied. There are destructive cases of alcoholism and drug abuse. There are people who brainwash their spouses against their very own parents in order to manipulate and control their spouses, to isolate them. There are spouses who manipulate their very own children against the other parent. People can be clannish. Their are those that suffer from personality disorders that can render them mentally intolerable to those around them. Then , their are those who use estrangement as a form of control and punishment to get back at family or parents because they can’t take responsibility for their own liability and immaturity that played a part in the demise of the relationship, so they accuse the other party and blame shift. Then there are cases where both parent and child were victims of a bad set of befallen circumstances in life. The parent child relationship becomes compromised which then creates a painful gap of misgivings and wounded hearts. Estrangement should never be invoked except for extreme incurable cases where the threat of danger or harm is imminent should one continue on in a relationship with such an individual. On the lesser occurrences that reference to adult children that simply carry some hurt feelings and grudges., or even some conflicting notions that they were treated poorly or unfairly, or didn’t receive the attention they felt they should have. These individuals need to realize that life is messy sometimes, and sometimes, good people go through hard times, or dark times. Sometimes, parents become compromised along their parenting journey. Sometimes it’s no fault of their own. Sometimes children don’t get the full attention that they long for. They remember this pain and began to question it. They Often become bitter at the parent because of it. This is the sad part. In these cases, both the parent and the child loose out. This is where absolute communication is key in healing for both. The child grows up but the wounded child inside does not. The wounded child is stuck , cannot heal or mature until understanding can take place, between the parent and the child. The inner child still longs to be validated and the parent longs to love and help heal the child and both truly long to be accepted by one another. Truth. Truth will always set us free in these circumstances. . It always needs to come out, wether it hurts or not. Until we spit out the poison we hold inside, we will never heal. The hurt is the poison. Truth is the medicine. It may take time, like all wounds do. There is always a path to love , if we seek it. There are some cases that sadly, are too broken. Often, there can be forgiveness for one side , the other, or both. However, even though forgiveness can occur, we still sometimes, are not always able to escape the consequences of our actions. We know our own situations. If it truly isn’t safe, then depart. If it’s merely an issue of pride, resolve to talk. Take baby steps. Perhaps someone really couldn’t help the circumstances that they were in at the time and somehow you got slighted. Maybe they really tried and were unaware of how it was affecting you at the time. Maybe they were hurting to. Maybe they loved you but just didn’t know how “to love”, or be the role model or caretaker that was need. Maybe they were being abused also. Maybe there is room for the adult that you are now , to understand what the child could not. Maybe you can now forgive what took place in that timeframe and move forward in a better way now that you understand the circumstances that dictated you both. Maybe you can now understand that you are loved and was loved all along. PERHAPS? Only you know your story. You know your truth, but, do you really know and understand the other persons? Do they really know and understand yours? Sometimes we listen , but we don’t hear one another. Sometimes we only hear what we want to hear. Communication takes time and patience and two people working in the same direction. For cases like these later, estrangement should never be chosen. Also, never allow your spouse to interfere in your personal relationship with your parents. They were not a part of your upbringing , nor your parents. They should never intervene , unless you are truly being threatened in a truly harmful way. Interference from a spouse only risks adding to the issue and creating resentment between all involved. You should always deal with your own parents and allow you spouse to deal with theirs. There is nothing greater than family. No family is perfect. All families struggle from time to time in some way. Part of loving is knowing when to also be forgiving. You can’t have one without the other. We all stumble, have flaws, the ability to be jealous, angry, selfish and prideful. We all have egos. No one gets it right all of the time. We all have different clocks and speak our own love language. Bad things sometimes happen to good people. These are the things that life teaches us. We always need to consider intent and circumstances when judging people and never rush to judgment, especially when we are feeling emotional. Never tolerate abuse and never use the term lightly falsely labeling situations as abusive when that is not correct. It can be completely damaging and destructive to a persons life and family. Estrangement is a serious path that can have irrevocable consequences for all involved. It should only be a means of last resort. Akin to death and kidnapping it is extremely hurtful to the soul and mind. Always seek avenues of hopeful healing before choosing estrangement. Second chances don’t come easy for those it targets, nor , those who invoke it. It’s a risk to the possibility of ones future happiness that can follow you throughout life and those it touches. Sadly, for some , it does become one of those tough choices that we have to make to save ourselves AND OR, those we love. When estrangement is used for the wrong reasons, it can become a double edged sword, that can regrettably cut both ways. I hope for all those cases that hold possibility, that you grab onto hope and let your hearts be open. May GOD BLESS ALL WHO ARE BEING ABUSED, OR WHOSE HEARTS AND SPIRITS ARE BROKEN. I PRAY FOR YOUR HAPPINESS TO SOON RETURN AND YOUR SOUL TO FEEL HIS GREAT UNFAILING LOVE. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU. THOUGH YOU MAY FEEL ALONE, GOD IS ALWAYS NEAR. GOD KNOWS HIS SHEEP AND HEARS THEIR VOICE WHEN THEY CRY OUT TO HIM.

[@mgkos]

@Happy Dog what does “long post” mean? One of the best comments I’ve read online, so well thought through.

[@mgkos]

@Happy Dog thoroughly & sensitively written with a great deal of insight & compassion. 🌟

[@pleinairartstudio2234]

Wow !! That really helped 😍

[@tammylademer3041]

May I copy this post?

[@LauraVee63]

R S Love your comment/post; it is just what the "doctor" ordered to get me through this holiday season of being alone, 3000 miles away from my only child/daughter who has decided she wants nothing to do with her divorced, lonely mom who's completely in the dark as to how this happened. She was never molested, abused and I did the best I could with what I had to work with as a parent. There was no manual and I did everything in my power to demonstrate my love for her. Maybe I wasn't very good at it, but I certainly can attest that I wasn't a horrible mother; I just wasn't perfect; who is? There was always one issue that I suspect she still carries some hostility with her to this day: I wasn't a woman of wealth, and I believe in my heart of hearts this is still what bothers her today.

[@angelarogers3137]

You have to understand that even though estrangement or cutting off toxic relationships may be popular that's not what's fueling estrangement. In my case I no longer trust this person around my children or myself. I don't know how to talk to this person without letting them know things they may use against me later. I truthfully dont know this person's motives..How could I possibly love and share with this person. It's very painful and I sit around and think how I could have a relationship without being hurt again and I can't figure it out. I think a lack of trust is huge in estrangement.

[@mrskmonster]

I hear you. How am I supposed to even approach reconciliation when the trust isn't there?

[@LisaGemini]

What's also painful in the case of my sisters is that their children ALSO do not contact me. That means I have NO relationship with three nephews and an 8-year-old niece as well. I have no children so this really sucks. It's so unfair.

[@karendalsadik7119]

I feel for you I understand how painful this is. Internet hug offered.

[@lauracicero-miller3238]

Yes, I understand ! I went threw something like this with 4 ex friends. It was not my fault, but in the long run better off. But it still hurts and is so unfair most of it a smear campaign

[@LisaGemini]

@@lauracicero-miller3238 Exactly! But as adults, we gotta realize life is NOT FAIR. If it was, little kids wouldn't die of brain tumors. That's just one example. Let it go, those people were not worthy of wonderful YOU. God took them out of your life for a good reason. Move on! Sending hugs your way, Laura!

[@lauracicero-miller3238]

Yes, you are correct, I guard my heart now.

[@Standownevil]

Send them appropriate gifts in their birthdays and tell them about you. Just an idea.

[@carolinemwazi5583]

This is powerful. Where possible steps to reconciliation should be taught, including how to avoid estrangement in the first place, though, granted, it takes both parties to reconcile. The next best option then is relatedness and moving on healed and free with grace.

[@arcamemnon9193]

14:05 I was estranged from my father for the last 20-30 years of his life and had no ambiguity nor ambivalence about it, still don't years after his death. Once I made the decision to cut off all contact my life greatly improved for the better and I had zero feelings for him or regrets about my decision upon hearing he had died. That said I did try very hard for the first half of my life to make the family thing work, but we were simply two incompatible people and we could never have made things work ever.

[@morganpeck]

Wow! You have ice running through your veins. I hope your children feel the same way about you someday. Congratulations 🎊

[@arcamemnon9193]

@@morganpeck LOL, had you known him you'd understand. One example, my mother told me he once stuffed a loaded shotgun in her mouth while she was showering and threatened to kill her. I was just a baby so don't have first hand knowledge of that particular incident, but I have countless other very violent episodes that occurred that I lived through so my reasons for my actions are more than valid. And don't try and preach forgiveness, I tried for 30+ years to try and make things work family wise but it was a doomed endeavor, the man was simply an evil SOB. Once I got into law enforcement our permanent parting of ways was simply a matter of time. He even damned my name at a family gathering once because I "always tried to do the right thing". Imagine that, being damned by your own father for trying to be a good man in life.

[@djpdyson]

You don't owe anyone an explanation. You did what was best for you.

[@BigMike_RTTV]

@@arcamemnon9193 Wow man that’s just crazy, but hey I totally understand your decision.

[@mariapilarme]

And yet you are watching a video of estrangement. That means you have unresolved issues and looking for validation.

[@TheMaxx111]

Getting my father out of my life is the best thing I ever did. He constantly berated me well into my 30's, showed up at my house I owned without invitation or notification and would criticize how I ran my life. If I told him I did not appreciate how he treated me, he would just criticize me even more and exact some form of punishment. I NEVER want to ever see him again. So if you want an example of someone who does not at least wish for a good relationship with a parent, I am living proof.

[@lesterdiamond6190]

Your father sounds a lot like my brother. I've worked with bikers, drug dealers, dropouts, greasers.. you name it. But my brother is just the most disagreeable, jealous, argumentative, hypercritical prick I've ever met. Just insufferable. I'm sure he can't believe I've been successful in life without his constant criticism these last 23 years. lol

[@mystrength5640]

Sooo incredible, how the English Word “Toxic” now has a third meaning,1. Poisonous substance, 2, Difficult relationship and Narcissistic BEHAVIOUR! It used to only mean Toxic substance or poison!

[@Enlightened77777]

I cut my family out, because my mother divided and manipulates to a devastating divide that becomes unbearable to be a part of the madness. Its emotional and mental abuse that drives a sane person OUT, because the crazy making takes its toll and it's the only way for the scapegoat to live a life of healthy boundaries...refuting the abuse that only gets worse with age. There is no salvaging any reminence of family. Sanity over abuse for me. 100% NO CONTACT was the only sane Avenue in an otherwise insanely evil family. NO REGRETS

[@ddhqj2023]

I'm sorry for you that your mother was the divider and manipulator in your life and I hope that you've since found happiness with no contact with her. I don't think anyone should have to live with misery because that's not why we are here in this life. Our role and our goal should be to search out means to live with joy as much as possibly while we walk our journeys. But can I ask for the same respect for the mom's and dad's who were good parents, but whose children for whatever reasons decided to leave the family. This happens unfortunately even when parents do everything right because sometimes it's not the parents, but the adult kids 'have issues'. Again, I hope you find happiness in your life always.

[@fallon7616]

This is so sad. Anyone who estranged their kids from their Mom are Monsters😭

[@j.christiansonsr.7285]

If you had a partner that was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive people would applaud you for leaving. Why is it different with family members?

[@janetjsharp]

The rejection is so painful. I not only lost my son and his wife, I lost two granddaughters and my friendship with my daughter-in-law’s parents and family.

[@ddhqj2023]

When it first happens, it hurts terribly doesn't it Janet. So sorry you're part of this club with the rest of us.

[@beckyweaver5981]

Make up with them!

[@CrochetingBammie]

@@beckyweaver5981 don’t you think if that were possible we would do it? Estrangement is not a choice for the victims.

[@JackieSuz917]

@@beckyweaver5981 thank you for an optimistic approach, however, i can't 'make' them talk about the problems albeit, i suggested zoom counseling i am very willing to do. This would elimiate their power over me. I 🙏, that is pretty much all i have

[@JackieSuz917]

@@ddhqj2023 thank you Debrah - yes it is the most painful - no visible scars for noted pain, just internal. 🙏 for the world to change...

[@user-kb9cu4rl9z]

Today is my only daughter's 24th birthday. She has been estranged for 4 years with no contact whatsoever. I am heartbroken and the longer it goes, the harder it is. I was not part of her college graduation, engagement, marriage, and home purchase. She cut off my mother and sister as well. It is beyond hurtful. She does travel with her dad, my ex. I just miss her and feel so alone and hurt. She had a beautiful childhood.

[@ddhqj2023]

So sorry that you're going through this. I know how you're feeling because when I think back to my children's childhoods, I too would say that they had beautiful childhoods. And yet here we are, haven't heard from the oldest in two years and no reason given. It's a lonely place that's for sure.

[@lorileon2816]

Maybe you should try taking responsibility for the mistakes you made as a 'parent'

[@ddhqj2023]

@@lorileon2816 Maybe you don't know anything about mine or Jane's families and yet here you are taking aim and kicking people when they're down. You are such a dear aren't you? Maybe next time, it'll be your turn to voice your pain and then watch out for the boots. You may just reap what you sow.

[@morganpeck]

I'm sorry it's so heart breaking 💔 I am going through the same thing. I'm ashamed to admit it. Because people judge and just assume I must of done something horrible. I am going on with my life. It hurts everyday! Hope you find peace!

[@lorileon2816]

@@morganpeck cry babies. Rather than whining and complaining, on this page, why don't yall look in the mirror and ask, gee, what were the mistakes I've made? How could I rectify them? Bitching and complaining 🤦

[@Tribbles5227]

ALL THE SYMPATHY GOES TO THE ABUSIVE FAMILY WHILE THE PERSON WHO HAS TO FACE THE WORLD ALONE GETS SHIT ON BY THE "THERAPISTS"

[@pinatacolada7986]

Yes, I've noticed this. The world is biased towards selfish, entitled narcissistic Baby Boomer parents. The younger generation is completely neglected.

[@gillps5130]

Therapists are the problem. It's all about removing oneself from 'toxicity' while the toxic one sits in front of them.

[@horroRomantic444]

People want to be loved, but they are not loved right. Such love definitely feels like abuse.

[@STMARTIN009]

I try to reach out to immediate and extended family members from time to time but I honestly have given up on some people as they can't be bothered to answer a quick text on multiple occasions. I feel if someone is ghosting you it's time to cut them off.

[@indy18286]

yep same crap here ..... tired of being the one who reaches out ... with no response

[@indy18286]

JUST TODAY I SENT MY AUNT A VIDEO OF MY GRAN SON IN A TEXT .... AND I SAID HOPE UR DOING WELL....... SHE REPLIED BACK >>>IM GAINING MY STRENGTH BACK SLOWLY...... I THEN TEXED BACK >>> OHHH WHATS GOING ON YOU BEEN SICK ? AND SHE GHOSTED ME .... I HAD TO GO THROUGH A NOTHER FAMILY MEMEBER ( WHO DOESNT TEXT BACK IN A TIMELY MANNER ) TO FIND OUT SHE HAD BEEN ILL AND IN THE HOSPITAL .

[@indy18286]

@Sophias Jesus and you should consider having manners and how to commentate... so its ok to leave people hanging on line with no explanation, got it!!!

[@saluma1447]

Well i feel here that as a parent making all the efforts to be an excellent parent, sacrificing being there for every appointment, book fair, test, sickness, i do not understand we went from depending on each other to no talk for no reason. Its just weir and very painful. I have been a good parent, no alcohol, no abuse. Never been arrested. But i believe having another parent always bashing my efforts can have a lot to do with it

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Interesting distinction made there between the difference between empathy and a cognitive understanding of how the other person might be feeling. I can feel both for my mother and she feels neither for me. My Dad backs her up. And my brother the so called logical one sees it all through their lens. It erodes me. I feel like a nobody, pushing water up hill trying to deal with this. I can't. I have to give up.

[@cyndimoring9389]

my son and I have always been very close. He just introduced me to his new baby, post pandemic. I think he was more excited than I was about that, if that's possible. Then a few weeks later we had an argument (rare) and now he's ghosted me for the last 2 months. Not interested in resolving or even explaining what I did wrong.

[@cyndimoring9389]

@lonely wolf I don't feel lucky. Maybe luckier than you? What's your story?

[@missingpalm9395]

@@cyndimoring9389 i think you guys both should find a way early on to resolve that issue because its going to have a ripple effect later on in life

[@cyndimoring9389]

@@missingpalm9395 Agreed. Turns out his wife never liked me, & now there's a baby she's kept him from FaceTiming me or coming over. She won't talk to me, only goes through him. The ripple has already started and will affect everyone in our family including their children. She's very uninterested in my son's brother & father also.

[@mariapilarme]

Don’t give up. He has unresolved issues. Contact him. 2 months it’s nothing. We need to learn to communicate. Send him a card .

[@cyndimoring9389]

@@mariapilarme thank you. I haven’t. We are talking again but his wife says not to discuss her or their 2 babies. So I am waiting for him to decide if joint therapy would work. I have been asking for it since the argument. I am finding out that estranging the in-laws is a common thing.

[@trueblue4069]

My 27 year old son has Aspergers and blames me for it…….I miss him and haven’t seen him for 3 years

[@melissafennemore5848]

Therapist's say they know narcissists can't change, then they say, "have you looked at from their side?" I'm not sure either of these two have a true narcissist in their family.

[@Livelaugh44]

Yeah seriously, they haven’t encountered a true narcissist. Imagine if it was that simple to look at it from their side. Yeah right! This interview is from rose colored glasses per usual.

[@bumblinagirl2683]

@@Livelaugh44 Have you found any good resources from more aware perspectives?

[@sarahcampbell7929]

@port nut Same, I too felt like I'd made a fool of myself begging for people's love BUT we will always know we did everything in our power to mend the family, their loss. Blessings sweets x

[@veronicao.hernandez3493]

@@sarahcampbell7929 what do you mean you did everything? Would you mind sharing?

[@user-ee5om8wy7u]

There are two kinds of estrangement. One is to protect oneself from a toxic relationship. But another kind is a toxic way to control others: either you do what I want OR you're nothing to me. It's like fist-fighting. Fighting is bad, right? Well, there are two kinds of fight. One is in self-defense. You need to hit someone back in order to block their punches at you. That's not a bad thing. They attacked you and you need to defend/protect yourself and so you fight back. This is a good kind of fighting. But another kind of fight is when you are trying to subjugate another to your will. This fight is not for self-protection, self-preservation, or self-defense -this is pure aggression with the goal to control. So, you see the big difference between the two kinds of fighting? It's the same way with estrangement. Some people estrange for self-protection and self-preservation (emotional self-defense) because they already feel too exhausted, too drained and too depressed/discouraged in their relationship and they realize that the relationship is "killing" them slowly and nothing can be done. And so, they estrange in order to heal. But they are others, who estrange not due to hurt feelings, but due to high expectations and entitlement. They "hurt" from not being served with a silver spoon and treated like a prince/princess. They only think about what they want and they expect others to want and feel the same. Any deviation from their wants means they will punish the person with estrangement or silent treatment. But they never consider the feelings of the others. And so they attack with estrangement anyone who is not subservient to their wants and whims. See the difference? Again, in any relationship you always have two options to interact about your needs- nice OR malicious - good OR bad. In other words, the issue might be the SAME, but your approach to solving it is either nice or malicious. So, you EITHER openly negotiate and discuss your needs or wants OR you manipulate and control. You can bring it up in two ways: either honestly speak about your issue OR give an ultimatum/manipulate. Example, you wish the other person to visit you more/less frequently. To deal with this in a nice way, you bring it up, using "I feel" statements. You say something like "I don't like it when you visit me this often...because I start to feel like I'm controlled/neglected" Then nothing changes, but you still feel not good about it. Then you bring it up again and say, it really makes me feel not good and I know that my feelings are my responsibility and so, since nothing can be worked out between us, I think I will have to discontinue our interaction because I will not want to tolerate this negative feeling any longer. Fair enough? Honest, right? No blaming, no accusing here -just open and sincere, although uncomfortable, dialogue. But you can deal with the same issue in a bad way and give an ultimatum: "either you visit me more/less frequently or I don't want to see you any more"! This already sounds like a threat with the goal to control. The issue is the same, but how it is dealt with can be totally different. So, estrangement is not a good or a bad thing. It all depends on who does ot and with what goals and intentions in mind.

[@cindypetri9695]

You are so right, so dead on. I have listened to many over time and you make so much more sense than many, thankyou

[@cyndimoring9389]

yes, you understand what is happening to me. I want to resolve it, I want to meet halfway, but my son wants to win. I pointed out 3 times he threatened to keep me from seeing his baby if I didn't do such and such that he wanted me to do. Once I pointed it out, told him it made me feel controlled and unsafe with forming a relationship with the baby and asked that he not do that, he went no contact. All the while saying that wasn't his intention. I haven't seen his baby in 2 months and counting. He wins.

[@RestorationRanchHealing]

There is a new pandemic of estrangement of children from their parents by the other parent. My situation was not a situation of separation or divorce but my husband abducted and kidnapped our children from Texas to Florida. I had no idea where they were for 1.5 years. The courts have ignored the fact of abduction, alienation and estrangement. This is destroying our children. There are hundreds of thousands of us out here. Our daughters were 13 and 17 when abducted. They have been forcefully and coerced to alienate and estranged from me. #@JusticeforAbigaileandNatascha

[@mariapilarme]

Don’t give up. Ask the court visitation to your younger one. I know how you feel the system is corrupt and narcissists knows how to manage the system. Send cards to your children not matter what. Show them you are there.

[@karishort1891]

I learned more from the comment section. There is something annoying about the host and i couldn't make it all the way through the video...

[@tammycollins9608]

My son estranged from our entire family and his friends when he got married. His only relatives are his wife’s family. We recently found out that we have a one year old grandson and another on the way. It has been a heartbreaking two years. I miss my son every single day. The family I once had will never be again even if he came back tomorrow, the damage they have done is immense.

[@conwayenda1]

I anitiated an estrangement with my two brothers. Yes, you are right. It was anxiety I felt most of all - that caused me to want the estrangement. What caused the anxiety? I felt ganged-up on by my two brothers, and one of those brother's wife. I felt they accused me of things that weren't true. They singled me out on things. One brother left me a series of cheeky messages over a two year period. And after, when I brought it up to him, he avoided the Situation. But instead, he called me out on something that he thought sounded cheeky (but admitted that it could be misinterpreted, which it was). It was very much double-standards and hypocrisy in my family with these two brothers, so better off without them in my life.

[@janelle144]

Estrangement always helped me to understand it was to stand back and see how many other people this person had cut out of their life. If they live their lives this way it's their problem not mine. Some people complain how no one in their family talks to them so is it the other people or should that person try to figure out if they are too demanding. As far as me cutting off people, I won't do it. I am strong enough to let things roll off my back. I can also learn how to speak up for myself. That is what therapy should help you with, not total shut down. We all have difficult people in our lives. If it's our parents we especially need to put our big girl pants on and deal with it.

[@alexishill3342]

The toxicity in my family is so pervasive that I pray for estrangement. I hate being enmeshed with insecure, heat seeking missiles for siblings that have no concept of who they are without being in the presence of someone else all the time. I've never seen so many people that act ike 5 year olds left home alone without an adult present. They are adults but act like they'll be harmed in some way by spending the day by themselves. It's crazy-making.

[@Gemmarose9012]

You have choices as to whether or not you stay in contact with them.

[@davidball6357]

Unrequited Love

[@tinamallin2570]

Not talking to people to hurt there spirit is a form of abuse

[@JackieSuz917]

May i ask the question, if found, were there any estrangements caused by spouses or parents (i.e. grandparents)?

[@lavenderblue1476]

Pop psychology is nuts.

[@alyceblue1671]

One thing I never heard on here is religions such as Scientology or Baha’i causing estrangement in families because they use shunning to punish a member and nobody including family members are allowed to have contact with the target of shunning. Shunning is one of the cruelest behaviors used by cults that causes pain and estrangement within families. I’m an ex-Baha’i and I’ve been estranged from my 2 daughters for over a decade because I reported child sex trafficking within my local Baha’i community and the leaders used my daughters to spread lies about me to discredit me, and of course shun me. It was the most horrific experience I’ve ever had and not only my 2 daughters, but a lot of my family are estranged from me because of the smear campaign done to me at the time.

[@trishliving9942]

Relationships are negotiated

[@dianarobinson5296]

Thank you, I need this information right now!! New subscriber

[@tamravincent5097]

It’s a trend of millennials. They were the generation of all trends, wanting to be bipolar when a famous actress spoke about being diagnosed, same with cutting themselves, the trend clothes, tpys , eating tide pods and many more. WhenI reflect back on my child I see she was influenced by every trend.

[@createone100]

10 minutes in and all I’ve heard is generalities and statistics. Not what I tuned in for. At 17:30 there was finally something useful being said.

[@blukatzen]

Very informative yet sad presentation. Subject matter that is.

[@mac-ju5ot]

I feel invisible abd lost my sister hasn't spoken to me on 27 years except for a Christmas party when she told me tp pull myself up by the bootstraps . I realky helped her out fir her chikdre. First ten tears I babysat from 6 am to 6 pm. Abd my brother i n law treated me like crap .I was in abd out of hospitals it afde red me so much.....I wpbt say what was done but it was iathetic

[@privateperson5769]

How many times i have reconciled and it always ends the same - estrangement - I have decided no more. Done with the yo yoing. Done with the trying. Over for ever. Don't feel u have to reconcile - just get out of there and don't look back. Wish I had decades ago instead of putting myself thru all the drama.

[@ryoung5481]

Please kill the background noise

[@waynewatanabe2207]

Guys voice is all treble

[@Barbararelkin]

Her vocal fry voice is irritating

[@edpurcell7322]

He's just old. 😎

[@goodforu1948]

This interview gave no answers and was a waste of time. Too many generalities and questions to the Dr. about his interest in rhe topic.

[@margaretmojica8190]

I have a son who treats me with love, respect, consideration of my feelings. I have a son who has been emotionally cruel to me since he was 17. When he was 25, I kicked him out of my life, but because one should not hate one's son, I took him back in. Now he is 28, and no change. Still has no regard for my feelings, keeps me at arm's length and enjoys being emotionally abusive. I told him his brother is worth 3 of him, I regret not having put him up for adoption when he was born, I prohibit him from coming to my funeral and he inherits $1.00. Just because they are your son does not obligate you to put up with the emotional wounds they inflict on you.

[@kathrynkemple-mclaughlin4072]

Have you always shown preference for the son that is loving to you? Likely the other is displaying anger and jealousy because he felt he never measured up. Showing favoritism towards one child over the other can have devastating consequences.

[@LaughingGemini]

Why did you even have children if you're so quick to give up on them? Your comment reminds me of my mother.....who I haven't seen or talk to in 2+ years.

[@janelle144]

You better hear a lawyer tell you what will happen with your will. Giving one dollar means that son needs to sign papers and can drag his feet causing a lot of problems. better to say he inherits nothing.

[@VanillaButtercreamFrosting]

You are the parent. You told your own son that you should have adopted him out and that he’s worth much less than your other son? This broke my heart. My heart breaks for him. Obviously his behavior stems from emotional pain, my God.

[@smoozerish]

you sound like a very sick and twisted individual who should never have had kids.

[@robertblake9892]

Refusal to help pay for college or other higher education, maybe a house down payment, snide, sarcastic attitudes, selfishness and self centeredness-boycotting kids activities, e.g. An "18 and out " policy, using children merely as cash cows to pay for Social Security, Medicare, etc. Then the kids grow up, move out, move away, the parents grow old and gray and sick, the kids' attitudes is best summed by a pop song of the 1950s-"Got along without you before I met you, gonna get along without you now."

[@gillps5130]

Even if all that were true, no child is owed a down payment on a house ffs. Most parents adore their kids and have helped them with lots. Many don't have spare money so help in other ways not least always being available to listen on the other end of a phone line. There are so many good parents kicked in the teeth for the most minor details that don't accord with the little, ungenerous minds of these adult child precieuses. So, think again.

[@tabiripetrovich517]

This background music is not helping and maybe a better microphone woukd be useful

[@abcxyz7923]

❤

[@Livelaugh44]

This host annoys me and clearly has no conception of estrangement or sympathy towards it.

[@Mica-e4p]

You gathered all that ..from a moderator? The issue is you.

[@Barbararelkin]

Cannot understand the name of the theory

[@steveos5112]

When daughters are thoughtless and ungrateful.

[@cynthiahoward1944]

Have you ever thought it’s you. What do you want her to be grateful for….that you birthed her into the world????

[@steveos5112]

@@cynthiahoward1944 What an ignorant statement. Showing some gratitude of bringing her food and supplies when she had covid. Checking on her status every day. Not a thank you there. Giving her son (my grandson) presents for his 2nd birthday, no thank you there. Not checking in once just to check in on me to see if I'm even alive as I live alone. Paid for her wedding and some furniture recently. You do the math.

[@cynthiahoward1944]

@@steveos5112 if you’re looking for something in return for your so called “good deeds” that you do for your daughter and grandkids and don’t receive it then just quit doing it. I do for my adult son when I want to, not him and I look for nothing in return. My friend, it seems as if you’re the problem.

[@steveos5112]

@@cynthiahoward1944 All I ask is a simple thank you. And yes, I cut her off.

[@ddhqj2023]

@@cynthiahoward1944 Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe it's the adult kids who've 'estranged' who are the problem? Why do you automatically assume that those kids are mentally 'right'?

[@sirenthomas4595]

omg im sure that even as i head towards 40/50/60 plus ill be fine not talking to my oldest cousins on my moms side. They refuse to change and cause drama...no thank you

[@tinamallin2570]

Saddening

[@tinamallin2570]

😢

[@Standownevil]

11:11

[@sharonnugent408]

I have neverbeen wanted by my biological

[@ritapalanjian2285]

I think this youtube is geared for clinicians and not the individuals, not the mother who is in great pain of losing a child through estrangement.

[@laurajane4806]

I ran away from home at 13 and kept running away. When you stay outside of the family, the family justifies your absence to others. As time goes on, the fake version of you is the only one they can accept in public. When psychologists discuss dysfunctional family roles, they describe the family scapegoat as the "Identified patient". That was my role. I was institutionalized from 13-17 for running away from a bad situation. At this time of year I'm reminded that every fall my mother pays for everyone's airfare to Thanksgiving ... everyone but me, that is. Almost 50 years later, I remain ... Uninvited. :-)

[@mgkos]

Laura it’ll be interesting to see what happens when you mother passes. Darwin did an experiment a century & a half ago with spiders in a can. When they had someone to feed from, they all got fat & were happy. When the object of prey was removed, they all ate each other & the last one perished of wounds. Many of us live wth similar. Am about 12 yrs older than you & that’s very much what’s been happening over the last years sadly, the spider example. Stay as kind to you as possible, live as successful & prosperous a life as is possible & as the Bowen people say “manage self”. Nothing you do will ever be right for them so you may as well find fulfilment elsewhere, & observe what happens from a safe distance. Sending strength, you’re probably the most decent & intelligent one of the family. ))

[@carolinemwazi5583]

@Sophias Jesus I've learnt that you can't carry everyone with you. It's painful, but I'd rather walk alone or walk with my 'tribe' than try to bond with family members who only hurt you and are never interested in calm, honest, respectful conversations that give you space to be you and lead to genuine healing or reconciliation. Here's to healthy and wishing you all of God's best, regardless of the messiness of it all.

[@cyndimoring9389]

You’re only as happy as your most unhappy child. I would have included you decades ago because every angry child still just wants to be loved.

[@cyndimoring9389]

@Sophias Jesus you are the winner. Out of this misery you claimed life. You can recreate yourself in any way you choose and will know it’s your doing. That is your greatest revenge and your life’s challenge. The past may be ugly but you are here. Lucky you 😊

[@LisaGemini]

In my case, since both my parents died three of my siblings have cut off all contact with me. Their reasons are selfish, basically. They mostly think I have made poor choices, even though I've never used drugs, been imprisoned and can support myself financially. In other words, I have no clue what their problem is with me. I am having trouble finding a therapist in my area who takes Medicare. Suggestions?

[@bumblinagirl2683]

Ask them to be specific so you know what their problem is, then decide if it’s really your problem also. From there decide if you’ll address it or move on with the other good things in your life.

[@cyndimoring9389]

@@bumblinagirl2683 obviously she can't ask them. Cut off all contact, she says. my situation too. I would give anything to know why my son won't talk to me. I would change anything for another chance.

[@LisaGemini]

@@cyndimoring9389 EXACTLY. I have asked for reasons and they don't have any! So it's their issue, their problem. NOT MINE. I have reached out, I have tried and now I'm gonna put it in the rearview mirror and move on! Don't let these dorks take up space in your head.

[@cyndimoring9389]

I have medicare and have had great luck finding therapists. Keep trying.

[@DonnaPiaVocci]

parental deaths can, in my opinion, bring the fractured sibling relationships to the surface. those alliances among your three siblings were probably always there perhaps just not obvious to you. birth order can also play a big role. e.g. my older identical twin brothers had their own clubhouse so to speak. the younger twin brothers, like the identical-but fraternals also shared a bond. the 2 sisters born 5 and 6 years after me were 11 months apart so behaviors were similar to being actual twins. and the two 'youngest' sisters - first there was a baby that died at 3 months, and then the next to be born 2 years later lived to be 21 when she died in a tragic way so that last sister, 11 years my junior, was a twin so to speak and she's been gone since 1984. when my mother died in 1989 I had been her caregiver for the second time (she suffered with medical issues after my 3 month old sister died and I was her helper for 9 years which placed me in a position of great responsibility) so I believe that when my Dad remarried 3 years after my Mother died my step-mother saw the schism and turned all of my siblings against me. truth be told there were horrible abuses suffered by me and the two sisters closest to me at the hands of family members so what I felt at the time my step-mother launched her hate campaign was that I needed to learn how to heal from all of it in therapy and support groups for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. looking back, I can see where PTSD influenced my choices (fear based) and when I believed I deserved a good life I also entered a 12 step program of recovery. it also feels as though my caregiver role removed me from the sibling fun and made me invisible to them especially the abusers who were only too happy to have a reason to scapegoat me. my father couldn't handle me telling him about the incest and he began distancing himself from my life in the mid-80's. step-mother was also motivated to ostracize me because I looked so much like my Mother and she wanted me out of the picture. it's true I've struggled with depression and needed professional help and it's also true that I stood by my parents in their most difficult times and was a dutiful daughter - something none of my siblings ever did and reflecting on it now I realize that our close knit family had serious issues that impacted everyone in different ways. it helps to realize that we are sometimes viewed by our family as a means to an end and objectified along the way. one sister and I have reconnected and have helped each other heal with emotional support nd out of the 10 nieces and nephews her 2 sons and 2 daughters are very close to me and we enjoy a healthy relationship. estrangement happened to me after I spoke up for myself, revealed the abuse to my parents, and explained that putting one of my abusers through medical school needed to be reconsidered. to no avail. that was a turning point and things were never the same. I continued to care for my Mother during her breast cancer journey and after she died the factions revealed themselves. I live a happy life without the uneasiness of having to spend time with abusive family members, their enablers, and their defenders. at 70 years of age, it feels good to claim my life and live in a healthy spiritually guided way. I wish the same for any person reading this.

[@recyclespinning9839]

Estrangement usually happens a lot based on previous abuse in the family, favoritism, family secretes , etc. Not so hard to figure out..so how do you go back to that? Usually your role gets set very early in a family of origin. Even when a role or reputation you have in your family can be totally false.

[@debralbungermd8804]

Estrangement is also due to the narcissistic parent alienating the children from the healthy parent.

[@jilljones7600]

@@debralbungermd8804 Hmmm... my ex has been on Lithium and various other psch meds for almost fifty years. He was also known as 'Don Juan' by some of his siblings, YET he's the one the kid's gravitate to. 🤔

[@ellyk8834]

The Scapegoats definitely understand and appreciate that.

[@jeanettetumminia7807]

This is exactly what both sides of my family are living with and with me targeted by mostly everyone except my niece and my on and off again sister. Before divorce only saw immediate family 2-3 times per year but now this is second time in three years after divorce they have cut me off No one even wanting the details of my side Not allowing even visits with grandchildren I’m so concerned how to break this multigenerational divide when no one else seems to think the loss is just something I have to accept I will never give up on trying to have contact with my grandkids‼️

[@paulclarke3132]

A fundamental problem with the field of psychology is that they always seem to act like just understanding what is happening and giving it a definition is the goal of therapy. What about the cure? Imagine you go to a doctor for pain, he does a bunch of tests, finds out you have a tumor, explains everything to you and then acts like his job is finished. Obviously, when there is alienation there has been some conflict and at least one of the sides has chosen separation as the way to end the conflict. But, of course, a better resolution would be to preserve the relationship by fixing the problem causing the conflict, would it not? And just as obviously, the two parties have not been able to fix things on their own or they would have. So that's where a 3rd party who both sides see as an authority and objective [the psychologist] should step in and suggest the corrections that need to be made to end the conflict. But I never hear them say they take on that role when I watch these interesting videos.

[@glennrobinson7193]

This guy's voice grates on my nerves. Sorry.

[@mgkos]

He can’t do anything about that, it’s innate. What a pathetic comment given you were here for intellectual rather than image.

[@malkaz9167]

@@mgkosYou got that right💯. There is so much valuable information here, if someone just focuses on the voice is missing out on what’s important. I find that petty.

[@francesca7093]

I enjoyed this interview. It was very informative and comforting. Thank you !

[@justsewit_tk5477]

I have been both on the receiving end of estrangement and have also initiated estrangement. My father wrote me a letter after his mum, my nanna passed away. This was after a week prior to the funeral where he would phone and send death threats, heavy breathing etc down the phone. I spent more than 20 years grieving the loss of not just my relationship with him but also the relationship with my baby sister and her mother. He got sick and wrote me a letter only to find out if he was a grandfather or not. He didn't want to know about me. I went to the funeral and was met with the silent treatment by his widow and youngest daughter. I have NO relationship with my baby sister as she was very angry with me because from her view I made dad suffer. She will not hear my story. The day of my father's funeral, I spontaneously estranged myself from my mother. I had endured a lot of dysfunction growing up. My mother likes to be in charge, hit my son and then told me grandmothers took precedence. All this without considering my boundaries as his parent. After three years of reconciliation I went no contact again simply because my boundaries were continually being violated. Her father sexually abused me when I was in my teens and she played it down, refusing to support me and saying he was a "dirty only man". She valued family relationships no matter how abusive they were. It has been six years since I visited with my mother. There has been no acknowledgment of her mistakes. because she thinks she has done nothing. wrong. The last thing she said to me was that I wasn't always right yet when it comes to the protection of MY children I did do the right thing because they are my children not hers and grandmother do not take precedence.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

My mother doesn't understand that she's giving me the silent treatment. She believes that there is one perspective. Hers. 3 years on, no change and I see I have watched this video before!

[@lindabroussard1402]

My daughter says she has never liked me she was adopted at 3 days old. My husband didn’t want her but I have been in love since I knew she was conceived ! I live with her and family. And I walk on eggshells. I think she may be narcissistic. She is nice to everyone but me I try to do everything that she wants. Even I. Put SS in a bank account she has complete I need help.

[@Sb-ff7mm]

Estrangement is extremely emotional result of jealousy from counterpart

[@bradfordrose1420]

People that cut off their family for no real good reason are traitors and mentally messed up. Cruel and heartless too. Many times bi polar and anxiety ridden, which makes them loners. It's all a shame

[@karishort1891]

In regards to mental illnesses, it isn't us to blame. Just saying. I suffered with PTSD and felt alienated by everyone and went away on my own. It wasn't on purpose but sometimes the saying is true that mentally ill people do not know they are ill.... Just saying... We need love more than ANYTHING. Not JUDGMENT. I feel people with mental illnesses aren't to blame but they/WE know OUR pretentious butt hole family members won't understand our anxieties etc and we would rather face the world alone rather than to try to explain our situation...this includes bipolar disorder, social anxiety, PTSD, Depression etc.......the illnesses are cruel not the people forced into them..

[@gillps5130]

​@@karishort1891Unless certifiable, people with normal upbringing and schooling know what's good and bad, right and wrong. No excuses.

[@nancywysemen7196]

nice "easy" information in a respectful setting. a pleasure.

[@Mszahnclass95]

Also if I child was alienated from a decent parent an it carries into the adult child

[@michelledavis139]

My daughter Joanna wants nothing to do with me. I have not seen her in 3 years. I am hurting and there is no reason why either. Should I keep calling or write letters?

[@sapphireblue222]

Never stop trying! Love always wins.

[@passanydrugtest4156]

awesome show.

[@kayscurr8469]

Zx

[@bettymoonlight6203]

This is an excellent conversation.