Fear is the LOVE LANGUAGE of the narcissistic relationship

[@Buckley-qk6fq]

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

[@christelleny]

Everything in those relationships is fear based: Walking on eggshells. Rehearsing everything you're gonna say in your head. Coming home right away after work. Not resting when you're sick. Not asking anything. Not taking time for self-care because of criticism. Not expressing your needs. Avoiding places, activities and subjects of conversation. Doing everything so as not to set them off with a request. Saying yes to everything. Getting a knot in your stomach each time a text message comes in or the door opens. Doing everything they want is. Staying. Thinking of leaving... Fear dominates your life. Interestingly, it's not until you get out of the relationship and start healing that you realize how much brain-washing/conditioning you were subjected to and how much fear you lived with daily. Growth, peace and healing to all. ❤

[@anne4116]

This!! The eggshells, tiptoeing around their sensitivities, fear of abandonment whilst simultaneously abandoning ourselves. I'm so glad I'm out of the situation but I have so much healing to do.

[@ea1112]

That's my story - thank you !

[@Dr.DorisTorres]

@@christelleny so relatable, thank you for putting this out there. Wishing you and all of us the same strength, peace, and healing. ❤️✨💪🏼🙏🏼🤗❤️

[@Dr.DorisTorres]

@@anne4116 same! 💪🏼❤️🙏🏼✨

[@Dr.DorisTorres]

@@ea1112 mine too 🫶🏻

[@acefireice79]

This needs to be elevated to the country. America is in a narcissistic relationship, and needs to learn how to navigate it.

[@moniquejackson7741]

So Brilliant. Framing fear as a Love Language of narcissism really brought it home. I'm speechless.

[@PotsandPansWhatsPotsandPans]

This biggest contributor to the fear is the fact the rules are always changing so you can never avoid the punishment No Matter What! In addition to the dehumanization of never having your feelings or neeeds ever being a factor.

[@Hodijo]

You will always be punished, even if you do exactly what they tell you to do. There's always something wrong and it's always your fault.

[@tatianashumeyko382]

That is so true. I always was blamed for not following rules and not attending to his needs.. I am trying hard to get out of my 4 years relationship and it is almost impossible. I can't date anyone else, I just want to be alone and I am ruminating

[@matteblak6158]

Heads they win, tails we lose…

[@FoxSleeping]

Pain is rooted in anger. Anger is rooted in control. Control is rooted in fear. Fear is a cry for love.

[@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh]

Wow…that’s so true!! 😢

[@jayshreeparmar6388]

Yes! you are right.

[@sushmayen]

Where there is fear there can't be love. Fear and love don't go together.

[@crystalmiller4463]

Wow! Those 2 sentences could change the world!

[@t_nels]

So true, that's not love.

[@christelleny]

Excellent point. Wouldn't it be great if we had identified that feeling as fear earlier ? Everything becomes so clear after the facts, yet it's so confusing when you're in the midst of it...

[@sharicoburn5475]

When they rage on you and then they blame you for making them angry when all you did was get home from work

[@sharicoburn5475]

@DoctorRamani1r scam reported

[@dk5755]

I lived in fear of my ex and he would say that all he ever wanted was for me to feel safe, and that he was the only person that ensured his previous partners’ safety too. Obviously he has a saviour/hero complex. To him safety only referred to physical and sexual safety. Psychological and emotional safety NEVER entered his mind. Any time he would betray me and lie to me, he would discount it as any form of betrayal. At the end he threatened my life as well as our pets and damage to property. Of course he wouldn’t be responsible if he acted on his threats, it was all my fault. Total lack of accountability!

[@user-uw8qs7xm6l]

This is SO spot on; the manipulative power of fear and how it trains us - the fear of rage, abandonment, and menace; the feeling of not being safe in my own home, walking on eggshells to try my best not to set off yet another temper tantrum and absent silent treatment (I got both together)... I used to think if I just did everything possible not to make the EX mad I could avoid it all. I got good at managing my tone, my words, my reactions -- but of course it was not fool-proof, and this is NO way to live! I put my own needs aside until I decided not to anymore (in spite of being horribly trauma bonded). Now I am loving my freedom and incredible peace. Also in this video you explained something that never made sense to me before; why did he consider himself such a kind, generous and empathic person? This question has caused so much cognitive dissonance.

[@GlitchComputer]

This is so accurate. The shame and fear was real. The lack of vulnerability and withdrawal/abandonment. It was a devastating cycle. 😒

[@ChandaNicoleCoaching]

This is so true. You have to be very careful when you decide to stand up to them. Some can be dangerous. Be very strategic when you start to pull away from them.

[@Floridafanatic28]

Yep, and as secretive as possible. It's never good to even let them think you might be leaving them.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I realised from this video that what i have been feeling is fear. My son has just moved out. I feel a difference, but it will take time!

[@ChimiChimiChurryPie]

As a child, my narc mother never let me have any accomplishment for myself. For example, "Well, you get your smarts from me and that's why you make good grades". She used fear to make my sisters and me responsible for her moods because she is bipolar. I wanted to divorce her from my life since age 20, but the guilt of fear in how she'd handle the rejection kept me in a very strained relationship with her until age 36. I am so happy without her in my life and can't wait for the day I get a call telling me she's dead.

[@ruthslater6364]

I think the fear factor with a narcissist is that they are capable of anything and you have no value to them.

[@jlo_05]

This made me grateful where I am now. I got my peace. Thank God🙏🏼

[@marysisak2359]

When I fractured my skull, coworkers had to go into work to find contact information for my family out of state so that they could air lift me to a trauma center. My sister never called to find out how I was doing, either while I was in the hospital or when I was released. In fact, she never asked me about it. Years later my accident came up in a casual conversation. When my sister finally realized how potentially serious the injury could have been, she started to tear up and blamed my mother who she said had led her to believe it was not that serious. Just to be clear my mother never called either. In fact, my brother was the only one that called the hospital (once) and from that brief conversation with the charge nurse concluded I was fine. No one called either the hospital or me when I was released from the hospital. What is really sad was that I just accepted this as normal behavior on their part.

[@meditativehypnosen-dr.ho-oq7zq]

Oh god, I hope you are doing well.

[@marysisak2359]

@@meditativehypnosen-dr.ho-oq7zq I am well. Thank God for Dr. R. I finally realize how bizarre the situation was and that it was NOT ME.

[@dclarke1896]

I'm so sorry that you experienced that. I hope you are fully healed and staying away from your toxic family and enjoying your friends and people that truly care about you! 🙏♥️

[@patricia-fz8et]

I'm so sorry, you deserve more than that.

[@aprilwilcox5065]

I have experienced every single thing talked about from my ex-husband....it flooded me with bad memories

[@genevalawrence801]

((HUG)) Me, too. Is difficult to hear. But also so important to talk about.

[@johnnytsunami9967]

Perfect love cast out fear.

[@claireluckensmeyer7489]

My mom was in no way a narcissist...but this verse is what I thought of immediately after being told she had died. I was so grateful knowing she would finally be perfectly loved & without fear...a balm for my grief.

[@mercedeswalker7819]

PERFECT LOVE😭

[@alessandrasaenz72]

Wow! This video is so spot on I'm feeling triggered. It frames fear in a very interesting way. I recall my ex quoting Machiavelli saying it was better to have people fear you. Now I understand that so much better and it gives me the chills. I remembered all the narcissistic relationships I've had and yes, there's always been fear. I feared for my safety, abandonment, being left without money or a place to go, etc. Very enlightening. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

[@debbiejahnke8724]

So my dad was 59 when I was born and he was in the hospital when I was a baby. The youngest three kids myself included were always in fear that he’d die. My mom was passive and she’d use looks to threaten abandonment. She was kind of helpless and more like a child than a parent. So if my dad passed there was no way she’d be able to take over as a parent. So she had sort of a passive way of control by threat of disability. She was silent in terms of parenting. Then I’d turn to my dad but he’d bounce responsibility back to her. Then parenting would just vanish. They’d go back to the status quo. And then I’d be left to sort out my parenting needs alone. They buried all those things and I had two selves. One they accepted and one they pretended wasn’t there. There was and is a lot of pain in that space.

[@oceanokelly8097]

Honestly idgaf anymore. No fear or worry. Living a beautiful life in the mountains with my family instead of letting that stuff have any effect on my emotional state. I expect my narc mom to go haywire at any point so there are no surprises.

[@matilda1505]

Over the years I learned to expect the worst of him. He still showing me there is no limits to human cruelty.

[@davidestabrook5367]

I'm so sorry you learnt that. I learned that not all doctors are trustworthy, but I learned to disagree and walk away. It sounds like you were in a situation with someone who was horrendously cruel, and who you couldn't walk away from. I feel for people in that situation and wish you'd be able to leave, or at least find tools to cope, and how to be targeted less.

[@cindywilliamson9278]

I appreciate you for all you do and are doing …. Thank you So much! 🙏🏻

[@masquarra]

Dr. Ramani you are a genius! Thank you for helping globally

[@TorgerVedeler]

All true, sadly. And in my experience, the fear gets compounded when you yourself make a mistake, because to a narcissist, your mistakes are ammunition to be used against you forever. They have the most amazing ability to remember and draw on even your small mistakes and weaponize them against you. At some level you know this, and so you live in constant fear not only of the narcissist, but of yourself. Any mistake they make, of course, is out of their mind in five minutes or less, and they will deny that it ever happened.

[@TorgerVedeler]

@ Alas, I’m not very tech savvy. Is this a phone line? I should add that I’ve gone no contact with most of the narcissists in my life.

[@dianaoneil5469]

You articulate the way I felt for many years which became normal. Glad I left after 30 years. So peaceful n happy now.

[@kgp470]

Dr. Ramani, you are a saint and a godsend! Thank you for this episode. You just explained the 5.5 year relationship I just left. With your help and advice, I was able to figure out what I was going through, and was able to find an exit strategy. Radical acceptance and no contact has helped. This episode hit hard. Keep up the good work and wishing you healing as well!

[@fireflyone488]

Absolutely true Dr. Ramani… I have lived through fear my entire life…

[@debbiejahnke8724]

I’m just noticing that I am never “allowed” to be happy in my own thoughts. I think narcissists can’t handle true joy or happiness. So they take it away and then breadcrumb you to control its flow. Now every time I feel a little peace or joy it’s always followed by thoughts that disrupt it.

[@velvetgardenia]

Yes. That's their m.o.

[@BonesAndButtons]

Yes, I've noticed that. It's like they find other people's joy disgusting.

[@a.b.2850]

Ngl, I don’t even know what would make me happy rn. Knowing my kids are happy and feel safe makes me some sort of happiness, but other than that, idk… my life is and has been for the last 8y all “things that I have to do, like it or not” and not in ways that I wish I could’ve done them. I just want peace, I want my dignity and freedom restored, I want to wake up in the morning without having to worry if my children and I are safe for another day or if we’ll have to move again. I’ll think of my happiness after that craziness finally ends.

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

❤absolutely

[@Renee-Soleil]

I feel like that too... Anytime I am just finding happiness and sitting and being quiet I get screamed at for not doing anything. I have to be doing something 24 hours a day cuz if I ever sit and rest and just want to relax and listen or read, I'm not "allowed" to.

[@aprilwilcox5065]

When my ex would ask me what I wanted to do on a given day, I learned to say "nothing, what would you like to do" because any plan I had would get cancelled...or trips I wanted to take either wouldn't happen or be ruin by him picking a HUGE fight over an unbelievably tiny thing...like him screaming things like "what did I tell you" and if I didn't repeat it back verbatim it followed by more screaming....this was done just to ruin my enjoyment of the trip he never wanted to go on in the first place

[@Houstonwehaveaprob1]

Thank you so much for this video! I really needed this topic discussed! My spouse constantly threatens abandonment, and claims they do it because they're "just being honest".😅

[@beverlyadams7205]

I was living with my daughter. We were having an argument, as usual, I walked into the kitchen in the semi dark, and she was standing there holding a butcher knife. I said “if you’re going to do it do it now.” Calling her bluff. She didn’t do anything. Yes I used to be afraid of her. I haven’t seen her for two years.

[@stellarhope6954]

What a nightmare. I've been there. But Jesus set me free. ❤

[@joanharder2124]

Reminding me of how grateful I am that I walked away.

[@dROp-dsL]

I was just about to write a similar message.

[@Floridafanatic28]

I'm glad that you could, not all of us are able to just walk away.

[@joanharder2124]

@@Floridafanatic28 my heart goes out to you

[@brose.03]

I also got away, but now I have to coparent. PRAY FOR MEEEE

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

They’re unhinged and we’re deceived into believing they are not. Imagine leaning on a railing near a cliff and it is not securely attached … (scary)

[@mariefriedmann3203]

Love this analogy!

[@annag-h6659]

This is such an amazingly accurate video. I dealt with all aspects of this in my 20 year relationship with my narc ex. I left 30 years ago and am still learning and recovering. Videos like this are invaluable in that recovery. Thank you.

[@matilda1505]

It’s a terrible thing to leave in fear. 30 years of it turned me into something I would never suspect I could become. We all know the saying “ don’t corner a wounded animal “.

[@MM-gk5of]

I am minutes into this video. Pausing now before I loose this thought. “Domination by my neglectful, narcissistic husband is him talking over me.” It’s maddening. So DONE !!!

[@Ascensionhelpline]

As someone with ADHD, I never mean to talk over people I love but sometimes I get too excited. Does that make me a Narcissist?

[@MM-gk5of]

@@Ascensionhelpline my husband talks over me to invalidate, menace me and exhaust me. That’s his super power.

[@melmatthews5876]

​@@Ascensionhelpline I don't think so. I was abused by a narcissist for years and I developed extreme anxiety and PTSD, so sometimes when I'm in conversation I may ramble on, or interrupt someone. I too was worried about this and thought I was a narcissist but my therapist told me that in my case my behaviour was caused by pure and severe anxiety. Now if I'm in company, I often say " I'm sorry if I start to interrupt. I get very anxious at times." Usually, people understand and by saying it I find I don't get as anxious, or interrupt as much, or at all. I hope this helps ease your mind a little but just ask a therapist and I'm sure they will reassure you that it's probably your ADHD. Usually, people who are narcissists don't ask if they are because in their minds they are never at fault. Best wishes to you.

[@daniellewest1510]

My husband will interrupt me and continue to talk for another hour, than if I try to say one word he will say this is why I don’t want to talk, and then say since what you have to say is so important then say it, meanwhile while I’m sharing he’s mumbling under his breath. Or he will never finish his thought because he says I interrupted him, so that I can beg him to finish what he was saying, then I get the silent treatment. So because of this ongoing behavior I now don’t share, but now he says he has to break down walls that I have up. I’m soooooo tired of this after over 30 years

[@Dr.DorisTorres]

@@daniellewest1510 been there for 27 years too…

[@SerenaG-h9i]

THANK YOU! I'm in the process of divorcing my narc husband. I have always been able to articulate that the children and I are afraid of him. ...terrified sometimes. But have never been able to explain it to other people in the neuansed way you did. And I've particularly struggled with explaining how he would "punish" us - outside of the actual physical abuse. But this hits it right on the dot! So, THANK YOU again!

[@elleng4876]

Wow! This episode resonated with me more than any other. Your description of how "living with menace" changes a person so that they're in a constant state of hyper vigilance, that was my experience. Luckily, I left my narcissist many years ago, but I continue to educate myself with your channel so that I can label what happened to me and verify that I wasn't crazy.

[@MandyGerrans-s9u]

Thank you for this video Dr Ramini. The fear he instilled in me was a reminder of an abusive husband I had many years ago. The recent break up was from a man who could also rage over the slightest thing leaving me physically shaking and worried to say anything he might find upsetting. His rages were terrifying and would pop out of nowhere over nothing at all. I have now since left him and slowly finding myself again....but have to keep reminding myself that he'll never change so even though he lives nearby, I must stay strong and stay away from him. Every day I tell myself I'm worth more than what he made me feel...disrespected, belittled and used .

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

Every bit of this! I describe the narcissistic ego as a hot wet pea. Squished Instantly!!! 😮

[@nopereradicator]

The plot twist is if they know you want them to leave it’ll never be mentioned.

[@victoryamartin9773]

Yes, I've tried to convince them to leave, but that only gets them to dig in with their claws tighter.

[@bethannebaggs2341]

You are so right!!! I really needed to watch you tonight. Thank you Dr ramani

[@TerriYoung-m4c]

I hear you. I've been through some crap

[@evbemma33]

..and then you are becoming people-pleaser to try to avoid their anger

[@bridgettsass917]

Dr Ramani, I feel like I'm so in sync' with you! Everytime you post a video, it's just what I need to hear and right on time. Wow! ❤

[@Ascensionhelpline]

This is why secure people can easily say “Yes, please let’s walk away and break up” Now they have no power over you 😊

[@andrewngulube6104]

Yesterday, I had a mental breakdown, flashbacks, and worst panic attacks. I thought I had healed, 10 months after the divorce and tried to date. I realised I am far from healed. Everything said here is like a diary of 5 years of marriage and 6 years of the relationship.

[@QX-xq5uj]

It takes time but don't loose hope! I've been away for 2 years now and had to move to another country because I could not find peace because of 7 months stalking. I understand what you are dealing with because I was with a covert narcissist many years. Dr. Ramani helped me, Richard Grannon also. He has a special course about how to overcome the flashbacks. Yoga helps a lot too because you focus on yourself. It helped me to reset myself and not have him in my mind every day and every night. Take care and keep safe 🙏🏻🌷

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

This is 💯 my brother and his wife. Mainly his wife, who if you disagree with her, stand up for yourself against her attacks, or say anything they don’t like, they punish us, rage at us and refuse to come to family dinners. It’s disgusting. Then they come back to the family when they feel like it or need something, and the enablers welcome them back like nothing happened. I can’t stand it. I keep my boundaries despite what they think. I get shamed and attacked no matter what I do, I have always been supportive yet they have been horrific to me, so I really do not want anything to do with them. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@rwoodyk5112]

I’m with you

[@davidestabrook5367]

Well done for maintaining your boundaries. People like that are so draining, and it's worse that you have their enablers to deal with too. I hope you'll be able to reduce your interactions with your toxic family members, keep your boundaries up, and protect yourself from their rage.

[@RiannaMarieMentality]

Wow this is brilliantly put. Went through this for five years and three months ago I finally built myself up enough to end it. Now regrouping and relaxing into myself again.

[@janetbrown8500]

You described my relationship with my 90 year old mother & my sister

[@Hodijo]

It's the fear of them making a scene in public and embarrassing you. The fear of them abandoning you right at the moment they promised to show up. The fear of them being mean and abusive even though you're treating them so well. The fear of having to let them go and drown in their own filth after loving them for so long. The fear of burying your loved one even though they're still alive.

[@crisking9198]

So true

[@doreenm8693]

There is no fear in love. Please get out, if this is your situation.

[@nonasamidon8494]

You are so right about everything you are saying. I can’t believe this is what I’ve been putting up with for aooo many years. What now?

[@genevalawrence801]

Dr. Ramani, this video contained so much truth! It was difficult to watch, because it reflected years of lived truth that I’m still healing from. But it’s so important to talk about. Thank you.

[@debbiejahnke8724]

I’ve noticed lately too that everything related to relationships that are enjoyable for me is filtered through trauma bonds. I feel love bombed, decayed and discarded every time. It’s different between women and men. Women I generally feel rejected off the bat. And men I feel love bombed but immediately wonder what they want of me? Then when Tom hey get that it goes to devalue and discard. Otherwise my relationships are pretty performative or superficial. Transactional for me. My job makes me a person people like as a professional. So I can rest in that role and not let them see my true self. This is where most of my human connections are.

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

This is very interesting! I have intimacy issues too. Where being trapped in an office I flip out internally. I’m better one on one or in groups- healing groups- personal information shared ..

[@debbiejahnke8724]

@ same here. I prefer to be alone when not working. Because I have to perform while I have internal pain that I can’t share. Nice to find someone who gets it. Best to you :-)

[@Jolyn888]

Just the title alone is enough content for me to know the entire video is a winner!!

[@Renee-Soleil]

4:00 When he threatens to leave, I tell him "ok, bye". It just makes him more angry and he doesn't actually leave. I'm at the point where I try to break up And he won't let me! They say they want to leave but they don't mean it.

[@kkryz]

Captured it. Situations for sure came to mind.

[@Dr.DorisTorres]

Fear is the opposite of love.

[@melmatthews5876]

Oh, thank God, Dr. Ramani is addressing this issue. My adult brother terrorized me and my elderly parents for several years until I developed PTSD. He's no longer living with us but it's been 3 years since he left but I am still in therapy trying to recover from his absolutely horrific behaviour. Unless you have seen a narcissist rage, you would think that people who have been abused by narcissists are exaggerating when they describe their behaviour.

[@dclarke1896]

I can't believe how much this resonates with me! Every romantic relationship I have ever been in exploited my abandonment wounds constantly to the point that I am content with being alone. I learned that loneliness is a state of mind and I always felt lonely when I was with someone romantically. Now that I'm healing and through my research the men I was with were all narcissists or at the very least toxic.

[@rosefrost2933]

Dangling abandonment was precisely my exes weapon of choice and exactly my core wound. I felt like a never was able to speak. I have so much remorse around the words I never got to say. Thank you for the validation.

[@matilda1505]

I fought back and I’d been told that unless I started to treat him better the things are going to get worse for me.

[@Floridafanatic28]

I was told that if I am going to leave I had better do it in one day because if I didn't he would make my life "a living hell". I have no idea what he means by that but he's a horrible person, especially when he drinks, which is most evenings and weekends. When the time comes to leave I have to do it cleanly and quickly for my own good. Until then, I gotta play the game.

[@yayaaa666]

Wow… this is exactly how my mom acted toward us for my entire life. Not knowing when she will have an episode of outburst. Interestingly, her random outburst always taking on special days about me, a celebration day of my career achievement, my birthday, the first day of I start a new job, etc. Then finally I had coverage to confront with her of how she acts, I would be told that she doesn’t remember what happened and things probably wasn’t half bad and it was all because of my sensitive brain. For all my life, I believe I am unloveable by anyone outside my family and something inherently wrong in me, until I started therapy and realize the one who have problem is not me.

[@ADadLife34]

As a person who’s going thru the motions at home. I do have a lot of these traits and as someone who wants to work on things and never really saw what I was doing as wrong , because it happens during certain moments as a far the outbreaks or arguments. I don’t think my parents are to blame as we all thought it was normal . None the less I don’t want to be a narcissist. I want my kids to grow up way more healthy than I

[@sharicoburn5475]

The fear of not knowing what would happen when I get home from work was awful I would spend 15 minutes driving around town just trying to calm my nerves enough to go home cuz I never knew what to expect

[@Floridafanatic28]

It sucks when you'd rather spend time at work with coworkers than go home. That's just wrong. I understand your dread, I feel the same way.

[@sharicoburn5475]

@@Floridafanatic28 I didn't stay at work, I drove around country roads trying to decompress from work stress and anticipate his mood.

[@kat-75]

NO FEAR . NO FEAR> over and over again, my Lord says NO FEAR

[@debbiejahnke8724]

I was always afraid my parents would die or I’d be taken away. Passive use of fear.

[@wendyandlisa]

Wow, I never thought of this before... I had the same creeping fear myself as a child!

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

I remember a dream .. I was a little girl put on the back of a truck and driven away from my parents. I dreamed this when I was little.. apparently the dream had a big impact on me. 😢wow

[@debbiejahnke8724]

@ it’s interesting to see isn’t it? What just popped up for me now is that I feel like I carry and act out my parents shame without knowing it because they gave it to me so they could off load it. My mom was often overwhelmed. As an adult I’m often overwhelmed. Probably because I had to be an adult as a child and I just didn’t have the equipment to handle that. My dad gave me shame. Especially around being a girl and all things sexual. I found out there’s a traumatic story in my family in his side from the mid 1800s involving sexual shame. He would bury any female needs I had and it resulted in kids at school thinking I had no boundaries. I was sexually harassed. But when he found out he just took me off the bus and never said anything. Stuff like that.

[@wendyandlisa]

@@debbiejahnke8724 I’m so sorry that horrible load of boulders was put on your back 😔

[@debbiejahnke8724]

@ thank you 🙏

[@JohnOprendekIII-n6r]

It's true that fear is the language of narcissistic behavior and thankfully we learn that to be in fear of someone each day is truly not love. Excellent insights, Doctor Ramani Durvasula, thanks for helping us to heal and find grounding perspectives, showing us to be capable and worthy of truly safe love as the healing process..and it is a necessary process..unfolds

[@NovaPrincess]

💙💙💙 Happy Election Day, Dr Ramani. I can't help but think you'd be on the side of FREEDOM and EMPATHY on the ballot this election. 💙💙💙

[@hurricaneaquatics]

Happy Election Day, TRUMP 2024, 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

Oh Election Day? Mannn

[@denisedevoto5703]

Yes, I voted for the party of peace, freedom and empathy.💚💚💚💚💚💚

[@NovaPrincess]

@@denisedevoto5703 💙💙💙 That's nice. I'm referring to the presidency, and so I mean Kamala Harris and Tim Walz for the win! 💙💙💙

[@denisedevoto5703]

@NovaPrincess I am referring to the presidency too.

[@NancyHacker-u7b]

I am thankful for all you are doing Dr Ramani with educating me. I been a social worker for the developmentally disabled and individuals who were institionized most of their childhood and sometimes adult lives. I do feel that naristic abusive relationship are increasing and the field of mental health doesn't address this issue or really understand it. Praying for your expertise continues to help me and others learn to heal and grow. ❤

[@kkryz]

There is an eeriness I have felt from some too.

[@SouravDas-kf6ct]

You are so good mam👍. None can explain as better as you do❤

[@TouchdownJesusMB]

😢 New book? The 6th Love Language 🩷🙏🩷💪🩷 Blessings Dr. Ramani and Survivors!

[@mariapodesta3090]

And the catch 22 is that they ultimately end up doing the exact thing that you fear anyway.

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

It’s weaponizing emotional energy

[@ginkgo2021]

@@mariapodesta3090 yup

[@ginkgo2021]

Oh yeah. During the rages, he’d always mention he was going to “talk to a lawyer about getting divorced.” When he raged, it would be the same physical situation, him standing over me while I was seated. His fists clenched. Onetime I got out of the chair before he could block me. He then charged at me so I turned away and shielded myself. He stopped and asked me why I stepped aside. I told him I thought he was going to hit me. HE GOT MAD AT ME for being afraid that he was going to hit me! The day he left, he literally stood with one foot out the door while he told me how awful he thought I was for the last “22 years” of our 32 year marriage. Good grief. What a phony. The victim of “me.” Passive aggressive fear monger. The nicest guy in the world. 😅 I didn’t know during my marriage what I now know about vulnerable narcissists. Please young people, be braver than me and get out if you can it does not get better. It gets worse.

[@privateprivate8366]

I have definitely felt that fear of a malignant narcissist. The unpredictability. The wondering just how far they’ll take things and when. The backlash I might get, for doing anything about it, from the narcissist and outsiders, including leaving. But, one of the worst, ongoing fears I have is two fold. That, once their mask begins to drop and/or I begin to pickup on those patterns and red flags, the two questions are, how much of my dang time have you taken up thus far and how long is it going to take to rid myself of you? All of the circus that they are, is a time suck. Everything from the mind games to the legal colosseum fighting to my own rumination, takes away from my time, sleep, life planning and creativity. It is a murder of sorts. That is why, when some enabler feels I’m not being empathetic enough, my thoughts is, “What the heck page are you on!?”

[@tarajo4836]

I completely relate to your comment. So much wasted mind time, utterly exhausting

[@privateprivate8366]

@ yes. I began realizing something was VERY WRONG, in early 2018. I spent the next 4 years, day-to-day, with that phone phobia, hoping I’d not be contacted and, on occasion, I was. Then, my mother died and I’ve been in a legal battle with a sibling that even the court must look at, as an utter nut. And, now, that I’ve bapped them over the head, with a BIGGIE, I know I’ll need to continue to be hyper vigilant, over my safety. This is an emotional and psychological cancer, metastasizing into the legal, physical and financial. And, oh yes. When my mother was alive, I feared reactive abuse. I feared that, if she kept being abusive and play with my mind, she’d end up at the bottom of a staircase.

[@genevalawrence801]

A note from a domestic abuse survivor - if they’re breaking things to intimidate you, threatening to harm (or harming) children or pets, threatening self harm, or physically blocking your way to keep you from leaving a space, you are already experiencing domestic violence. And it will escalate.

[@mememefinally]

I have said this but ofc I am accused of pretending to be a victim because I am scared. "I don't beat you"

[@a.b.2850]

@@mememefinallythat‘s what people believed in the 1980s.. DV has changed! Men are not stupid enough anymore to give a woman a black eye and knowing they’d end up in jail. DV just like men, has evolved. Nowadays they specialize in covert tactics that are “not too obvious on the surface”, and that’s why they can get away with it for years without anyone suspecting sh!t, “he was such a good guy, I’ve known him for a decade, I never would’ve thought he’d be capable of doing such a thing, I never saw it coming!”. Why? Because they’re very pressurized ticking time bombs, one that day will come where they’ll go from “being an arse” sometimes to a total explosion, which always ends very tragically. Please, have a serious sit down with your man and educate him on Dv (and note how he reacts!), cause he clearly doesn’t know and that is a liability for you to seriously consider. The idea is to leave BEFORE we get hit. I do not recommend waiting for this to happen, him to potentially badly hurt you, to understand the danger you might be in with this man. His reaction and responses will give you everything you need to know about him. Good luck, stay safe 🙏🏻

[@mememefinally]

@@a.b.2850 It s not only men who are abusive. It's a woman.

[@Floridafanatic28]

@@a.b.2850 It's not as cut and dried as you make it sound. Most of us are not in this by choice and leaving before anything bad happens is not always an option. Your comment is not based in many people's reality.

[@watchonly1321]

I have experienced all the above and have left home but now he's trying to hoover me back saying he's sorry and he needs me to be home to make things right. He said he didn't know his behaviour made me fearful and unhappy and it is not fair I ran away and talked about him to my friends without first talking to him about it

[@PenninkJacob]

Soooo good!!! so informative!!! Thank you!!! 👍❤❤❤

[@clareshinebourne7576]

This is so helpful, thank you ❤

[@TheLondonNailDesigner]

💯🎯 thank you Dr. Ramani🦋

[@victoryamartin9773]

I need help overcoming my fear of being screamed at by a raging malignant Narc. Like you said, ever since he started the screaming campaign, I've been living in terror of the next installment. So far, he's only done it once at me, and that was a year ago, but recovery has been painfully slow since he's still in the house and could easily do it again. I do hear him periodically screaming at other people on the phone, and that evokes traumatic reinforcement in me. I need to find a way to get strong enough to not let it bother me and to make it stop. I can't leave my house, and the sheriffs won't come out to intervene. They've told me I just have to evict him, but he's threatened to hurt me if I try to do that.

[@namasteyourlife]

Love you ramani❤

[@katkat521]

Again, spot on. Would you be able to discuss induced conversation? I get texts from my narc mother all day long, starting with early in the morning, with really no information or questions just seemingly crazy thoughts (her thoughts) or patronizing stuff like, "don't forget to pick up your children from school, they get out early today".

[@ea1112]

Brilliant as ever !

[@cindywilliamson9278]

Thanks!

[@Pamela-k5u]

After 45 years of having an autoimmune disease. At this point in time 41 years, one doctor, that I met once, decided my surgery never occurred, my illness was non existent, and without my needed medication to suppress my immune system, I will die. This one doctor, and this one hospital, now two hospitals, are creating drama anywhere they can about my treatment. Because of how big this hospital is, because they have wealthy people backing them, because they are a top hospital, people are giving them their way. At the end of the day I'm just trying to get treatment. I tried moving to three different states. That didn't work. Their need to dominate, in my opinion, is unacceptable, not healthy and dangerous to the patient. But maybe another 5 states will help. The version of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. The drama around my colonscopy was crazy. Because my scopes only take 1/2 the time because I'm missing 1/2 of my large intestine. The local pharmacy refused to fill the cleaning out medication. But I eventually got it. I aIso eventually got the scope as well. This is how right they have to be. I don't live in their fantasy land. I have to live with this illness everyday.

[@Pamela-k5u]

@DoctorRamani1r Thank you

[@TuerlingsTim]

It’s about the thought and expectations to receive negative energy. So at the moment you having connection their is negative energy that will catch you, after te contact all your energy is consumed by the narcist. You are so tired that their is no energy to fight back

[@solotraveller11]

My fear was that I couldn't leave or end it well. I wasn't getting my needs met, he wasn't prepared to change and so he ended up harassing me, stalking me and hoovering. So the fear was never being able to leave.

[@GregMunro]

A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient

[@TrentReeves-c2k]

There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

[@GregMunro]

Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white..

[@TrentReeves-c2k]

This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.

[@GregMunro]

You wont regret it

[@craigmerkey8518]

Being unable to unwilling to take and accept responsibilities for behavior is mega mad exhausting!

[@jane5821]

My parents told me they beat me because they love me.

[@sharon4534]

😂 He said am leaving I said ok...Stood my ground.He was so shocked.Turned tables around and said I left him still said ok

[@Melly16yr10]

I'm just glad ☺️ to be single. It's safe and peaceful ☺️

[@NotGonnaStealMyLife]

I THOUGHT IN 7/2023 THIS WOULD ALL BE OVER IF I CAN JUST GET HER OUT MY HOME AND ITS JUST GETTING WORSE EVER SINCE SO I CAN NOT RELATE, I THOUGHT THAT WAS GONNA BE MY PLAN BUT POST SEPERATION TERRORISM IS MY REWARD FOR FINALLY GETTING THE EXIT PLAN IN EFFECT AND NEVER KNEW SOMEONE COULD BE THIS DEMONIC AS TO USE LIL GIRLS AS WEAPONS TO GET REVENGE ON ME FOR WANTING TO NOT BE ABUSED O MY GOD

[@parkimedes]

I wish you would do more on vulnerable narcissists specifically. I get thrown off by some of the descriptions of grandiosity and generally confident narcissists and think the two types are quite different.

[@reettaelina]

I had fear when I had to live with my ex-husband and be around my mother. It is gone now that I am far away. But it was a hard runaway. Please, there is a reason to fear alright.