Fear of Intimacy and Shame: The Unconscious Saboteurs

[@caesar349]

OMG 2:43 - 3:53 completely summarizes my mind and life from my teen years up through middle age now. I never knew what “fear of intimacy” meant after hearing in passing. But now it is crystal clear. Every time a relationship would start advancing deeper than the initial superficial phase, I always, always would sabotage the relationship or ghost the person completely. What a lonely world I’ve confined myself to. Thank you for this very informative video.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome! I wish you the best!

[@TofuTeo]

I never knew this was what "fear of intimacy" meant! I always thought it was just about emotional intimacy, but this thing about being seen... whoa. It's hard with trust issues. In the past, being seen and known meant having my vulnerabilities or desires or expressions of my identity being used against me.

[@gilliandinnerstein6882]

When you don’t know your true self - you are lost and don’t even know what you want if you find it impossible to have goals desires and love for yourself how can others even have a chance at knowing who you are - so you try to be what they want and expect and constantly get taken advantage of - feel stupid for falling into the same trap and get angry instead of showing love for yourself - thank you for your helpful videos your understanding kindness and for sharing your talent.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, and thank you for sharing!

[@annettesecogarden]

I have listened to many videos on the fear of intimacy, multiple times to this one because this has helped me the most by far. Thank you so much.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Annette! Best wishes!

[@seeexy]

ur way of talking us is just super calming 😢 so gentle and caressing way it make sme wnna cwy 😮

[@muzakmansoundson7477]

George, you must've been enlightened. We need you back in the whitehouse!

[@r011ing_thunder6]

Bitch please yo name is Muzakman

[@dawnacoxon3111]

🤣🤣🤣 he so looks like him

[@ciaranm3083]

lmao I put this video on to listen to then checked it about 5 minutes in and was like "WTF is that George Bush?" of course this is the top comment

[@13duchie]

You are so funny! Lol

[@memethingz6004]

@@r011ing_thunder6 don’t make fun of non American names bih

[@rhondaeaton4708]

This hits close to home but very valuable. Thanks so much Counselor Carl.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're very welcome. I wish you the best!

[@CrownedMeadow]

One of the most succinct and helpful videos I’ve seen on why someone pushes me away the harder I try to show love to them. Thank you for sharing this.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Elle!

[@sjpark1991]

Uhh what about people who can’t even enter relationships?

[@angelicaa.3062]

😭 same

[@fromeveryting29]

Same, I can't even seem to enter them because I'm so afraid of the intimacy that will lead to. Problems with touch, being touched. So I quickly give off the signal "I can't go there (sex)".. So women who are initially interested eventually get turned off and walk away.

[@zvijezdarepatica]

Cheers for the Video! Apologies for chiming in, I am interested in your opinion. Have you tried - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (just google it)? It is a good one of a kind guide for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger minus the normal expense. Ive heard some interesting things about it and my buddy at very last got cool results with it.

[@SharkRecordFilms]

@@fromeveryting29 same here, same story too

[@jdglen24]

I actually did suffer from toxic shame but I have been working on it and I feel alot more better now but I still have an intense desire to be alone...so now I'm dealing with an intense lack of trust and feelings of not being safe around other people..I'm working on this using meditation and grounding techniques...

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

I am glad you are progressing in your recovery. It sounds like you might have social anxiety, which could be the result of childhood trauma, dysfunction, or bullying. Do some research on "how to cope with social anxiety" and see if it resonates with you. Best wishes!

[@jdglen24]

@@Serenityonlinetherapy thankyou Carl...Will definitely look into this...I appreciate all you do to raise awareness and help us all out...we need each other to survive...again I thankyou so much!!!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

@@jdglen24 You're very welcome!

[@stephanienelson1381]

It's a good video although painful. The truth hurts.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

As the great Carl Jung said, "There is no coming to consciousness without pain."

[@themacocko6311]

But I had a wonderful up bringing. Now I feel like I can't even be broke correctly lol.

[@lorettasanchez9925]

This was helpful and it brought some insights I have learned back to reality again

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Loretta Sanchez. I am glad you found my video helpful. Best wishes!

[@nancydecosta8577]

I’m so sorry about your loss of your daughter. It seems it was awhile ago but I can see it in your eyes and I’m sorry you hurt. I kno. That kind of hurt. Very recent tragic loss of my son, Danny. I am dead inside but seeking help. I don’t know how to cope or even to grieve.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi, Nancy. Thank you for your condolences. I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your son, Danny. I've created videos on grieving out of my own experience with the traumatic loss of my daughter. I recommend watching them multiple times to understand what I learned from such grief. I also recommend finding a support group or grief group for parents who have lost children. Such a group became a lifeline for me in my grief.

[@UserUser-zv6cj]

Thank you Carl. Your clips bring so much clarity to the dynamics playing out here.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

People Are Crazy. You're welcome! Best wishes!

[@coachfelita779]

I'm getting so much out of these videos and I truly thank you for sharing.😊

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, and I wish you the best!

[@salt_and_light03]

This video is me!! Thank you so much for posting this! Can’t wait to see your other videos! Blessings

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Dora. Best wishes!

[@nadineelizabeth195]

Wow you just spoke exactly what I feel within six minutes Wow

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi, Nadine. I'm glad you found my video helpful. Best wishes!

[@nadineelizabeth195]

@@Serenityonlinetherapy thank you, despite feeling this way do you have any tips to improving these feelings?

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

@@nadineelizabeth195 Hi Nadine. If you recognize your feelings and thoughts as old programming driven by shame and fear, then you can accept them but make the healthy choice anyway, as I talked about in the video, to allow yourself to experience closeness with healthy people. In other words, feel the fear and shame and do it anyway.

[@gladyschelangat8384]

This was very healing for me. Thanks

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Gladys!

[@Pascal270]

Just two words: Thank you.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome! Best wishes!

[@daniamorim7547]

Wow very helpful thanks.When people say awesome things about me I start to think that they are putting me on a pedestal and I feel the desire to be away from them so they dont realize that Im not like that.I give up quickly and I think that maybe it's okay it's better like that etc

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi, Dani. I'm glad you found my video helpful. Best wishes!

[@daniamorim7547]

@@Serenityonlinetherapy thank you!❣

[@wildangel4452]

Your voice is so soothing

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you!

[@WeldorLife]

Thanks for this Channel. Much appreciated.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome! Best wishes.

[@colby6512]

Counselor Carl, any book recommendations that go along with this video?

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

The Struggle for Intimacy is one. Plus John Bradshaw writes about "the shame that binds."

[@greenIMONSTER008]

This is such a brilliant video thank you

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you!

[@koala01111986]

My FA ex...and I think it got worse because he opened up to me about some things no one knows about (for the first time in his life, 'cos he has never talked about intimate stuff with anyone - he keeps everyone at arms' length) and because I was seeing him, could see when something was off, his fears, etc (the FA power! 😅) and when fears went to the roof he pulled away and changed the reason for the breakup several times until the "I'm not one for relationships, I need to be alone" while he was completely in deactivation mode, cold like ice 😢 he has a big shame wound too and full of anxiety

[@inutilus_1387]

I'm really close, Carl. I'm mighty damn close.

[@iamthatiam4637]

I have this fear of intimacy and i don't know why. It been so long so so many years. And i got comfortable with my life. Avoiding relationship with people in general. No friends no girlfriend. I fear it all. So i avoid it and run. And feel so good about it.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

When you say you "avoid it and run. And feel so good about it," it's ok if it feels good in the long run, too (i.e., you're genuinely happy with you life), not just in the short run (i.e., the immediate relief you get from anxiety when you run away/avoid).

[@iamthatiam4637]

@@Serenityonlinetherapy yes i do but at the same time. Im still a social being. And try to some what fill that gap like talk to strangers are random people for a few min. Like saying hi. Cause i know once im done i will never see them again. And also when i think hard i think ima regret my lack of intimacy in the future when i have no chance. But idk. Only time will tell.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

@@iamthatiam4637 I wish you the best!

[@bonnielizarraga7941]

Good info I do all of the above coming from a childhood of emotional neglect and criticism at almost anything I did and sexual abuse too left me a confused young person to a now old person

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi Bonnie. I wish you the best in your recovery!

[@daughteroflight8624]

Thanks Counselor Carl. 💙💫✨ Edit: It's seems like all narcissist has the YO-YO effect in relationship! The idealisation stage where they love bomb their victim, then followed by devaluing and discarding stage, again followed by intermittent remission and hoovering!

[@owo6881]

KZbin trying to tell me something by recommending this

[@rameshsharma4422]

Take it seriously then.... When the studen is ready teacher appears... Hope you find what you are looking for

[@candid.303]

You are a fantastic counselor.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you! Best wishes!

[@Nadiahope7]

Completely this. So well explained thank you.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome!

[@kikonyc68]

How does one practice and learn healthy relationship skills? By luring people into relationships with you and use them until you get it right.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi. Unless you're telling me that you live in complete isolation, you should have many opportunities to practice interacting in a more healthy way with friends, family, and others in your life. However, I would say it is best to begin practicing with the people you trust the most. It also helps to let them know why you might seem different with the reason being that you are trying to improve your relationship and self-care skills.

[@iamyhappy]

thank you for this video! 😊

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Dahan!

[@elisadaluz]

Concelour Carl, I would like to ask you if there are not people who just arent willing to compromise themselves without child trauma?

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Elisa Xavier yes, I'm sure there are people who prefer to be alone and not in a significant other relationship. That's very different from people who want to be in a relationship but because of a fear of intimacy are incapable of developing a healthy relationship or they avoid them altogether, which can be a very lonely place to be.

[@mr.anindyabanerjee9905]

Very crispy discussion summarized nicely 😊😄

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you!

[@nirriti2768]

I didn't expect to see George😆❤

[@Professor3022]

this is very very hard to fix.

[@chandrasekhargiri8443]

Very well expressed

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you! Best wishes!

[@kalachuchi9592]

Thank you for the video.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Kala! Best wishes!

[@powerofroses1670]

Love love love love your videos. I learn a lot from you.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Fennel Tea I'm so glad you are benefiting from my videos!

[@catwalkster]

My boyfriend just broke up with me for this reason. (( hes an ACOA ) It came right after we told each other for the first time: I love you. Everything was really great between us. That was 2 weeks ago and now, without reason or cause, we broke up. :(

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi, Cat. I am sorry for the breakup. However, if he is unable or unwilling to deal with his intimacy issues, it would be very rough ride staying with him. You might think we can love him enough so he would change, but we don't have that power. Your love could be a support, but he would have to do the hard work of facing his fears.

[@mireinaking]

Thank you for this video

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Mireina!

[@sweet_southern_gal]

Thank you so much, this is me!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome!

[@TheSepia1]

Great video.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you!

[@ts3858]

You forgot the most important point: the trauma survivor needs to heal their wounds and shame w SELF-COMPASSION ,. which is the antidote to shame ..🙏😔 Instead of blame and shame...understanding and compassion

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Well said!

[@CherylMuir]

Great wisdom! ❤️

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

I'm glad you found my video helpful! Best wishes, Cheryl!

[@EspritArkitekt]

How do u discern between a covert narc/someone who just has a few more narc coping mechanism traits than ur average Joe/an avoidant attachment person/weed smoker/full blown sociopath?? All the signs of each cross-over so it's hard to discern & know what ur dealing with

[@ryandozier8053]

THATS why.

[@jencgold]

You are very good thank you

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you! And you're welcome!

[@TeaDoroTeddyBear]

I can't bear this, I just want to be healthy and normal.

[@lh2o748]

Thank you

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

lH2O * You're welcome!

[@average8011]

Please tell me what I need to do. I have many problems that should have been adressed when I was a child, however, I was raised in a cult. The cult criteria came first my needs were not met.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hello. I would suggest getting a therapist to help you figure things out after growing up in such a rigid, controlling environment.

[@dymondqueen1584]

Wow.. I hope my husband doesn't leave me.. 😢😢 his getting tired of my craziness, I always push him away and i start fighting with him..

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

If you recognize that you are pushing him away because you have a fear of intimacy, then that awareness offers new options for dealing with your fears.

[@dymondqueen1584]

Counselor Carl Thank you ...

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

pattylicious. You're welcome!

[@andreagomera]

Hug him tight and talk to him while withstanding discomfort. He wont hurt you! he'll heal you!

[@romanadekic8866]

@@andreagomera That's so beautiful what you said! Thank you!

[@Jezebel066]

I used to yo-yo. I finally changed my pattern. Now I have a husband who does it to me. I can see it clear as day.. I can’t bring up that he is pushing me away, bc he get so deeply offended. Saying I think I am perfect & he is the problem. He agreed to therapy finally. But not until after he filed for divorce. Praying it’s not too late...

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi, J Gal It sounds like a difficult and painful situation. Ultimately, you have to focus on what is best for you in the long run. Having healthy relationship skills and finding a compatible partner who also has healthy relationship skills significantly increases the chances of building a healthy and successful relationship. Anything less decreases the chances. I wish you the best!

[@peterdeneke8401]

What about the fear of been naked.?

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi, Peter. They could be many reasons why one has a fear of being naked, but most likely it is connected to fear and shame.

[@peterdeneke8401]

@@Serenityonlinetherapy How does a person get rid of this fear.?

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

@@peterdeneke8401 I would recommend seeing a therapist.

[@r011ing_thunder6]

Isn’t there a grieving process?

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

There's always a grieving process in dealing with emotional pain.

[@sushmak8855]

I live with severe acne anyone else

[@heybhabe]

Sushma K irrelevant

[@sushmak8855]

@@heybhabe but acne is the reason why I can't have intimacy adding to the reasons mentioned in the video. Sad being a woman getting this attitude from other women

[@lisamobleyirwin4589]

Sharing on my Facebook. Lisa. Mobley irwin

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you!

[@daniell.dingeldein9717]

you sound a lot like what john bradshaw speaks to...

[@reedoburrito7456]

Didint know george bush was this deep.

[@KikiKiki-do1fr]

I’m ashamed because I made myself ugly. Self harm scars and excess skin and scars from plastic surgery and on top of that an atrophied hand due to inflammation of nerv. I am ashamed becaus of the VISIBLE RESULTS of my abusive caregivers. All I am waiting for is death. I self isolate because I’m too ugly to go outside the house. No one wants to hig touch or love an ugly selfdestructive monster. There’s no need to heal i side if outside is ugly!!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi, Julia. Healing is possible, even with visible scars. Look for a therapist who can help you overcome your shame and find the person within you whom you were always meant to be. Recovery is possible. I know you understand that or you wouldn't be looking at my videos. I wish you the best!

[@KikiKiki-do1fr]

Counselor Carl thank you for your answer.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

@@KikiKiki-do1fr You're welcome!

[@KikiKiki-do1fr]

@@Jen281 hello Jennifer A. Yes I have heard of hear. Even before the thing with my hand happened. And yes she is a strong woman. But why do you compare my situation with hers? It’s a complete different story. And i. Feel so insulted right now.

[@KikiKiki-do1fr]

I tried to lift myself up by reading empowering stories and then the hand situation happened. Which made me even uglier. I don’t understand. But I truly believe the universe is trying to get me and is against me and wants to punish me. Because I deserve it. I mist be a bad person why else do things like this happen?

[@shaanz2.087]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@jencgold]

Bingo

[@jencgold]

🥺

[@blakefisher7017]

Thank you George bush

[@tweety2116]

Wow..this is exactly my husband

[@joseph4861]

You chose him, so unconsciously it is part a of you too. Until now.

[@sukindiamuzik]

george bush??!!

[@Jacob011]

What is this? George Bush is a therapist now?

[@wcmad7250]

Great video

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you! Best wishes!

[@nikitapatel6684]

Thank you

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Nikita!