Fear of the Walking DAUs

“How the fuck does something like this happen?” Gavin bellows in the first line of “The Uptick,” the third-season finale of Silicon Valley. “He was old and depressed,” says Patrice, Gavin’s animal dealer, of the now-dead elephant he “considered” in his last board meeting. “He had just been rescued from the circus, but as it turns out, he loved performing.” Gavin doesn’t care about poor dead Dumbo, though. His bigger concern is how to dispose of the carcass without arousing suspicion.
Once again, Gavin’s security guy, Hoover, proves to be a godsend: He knows some guys with a crane. They can scoop up the elephant and drop him into San Francisco Bay, where he’ll join the lost Tiki head from Erlich’s Bachmanity Insanity party.
So, yeah, Hoover deserves a massive raise. Some potential funds have just become available, too: When Patrice gives Gavin a gentle talking to about his use of live animals in his misguided board meetings, he fires her. Never use an egomaniac’s words against him, Patrice! Especially if those words are, “We can only achieve greatness, if first, we achieve goodness.” This line is a callback to Silicon Valley’s debut episode; it’s the first bit of Gavin Belson bullshit we ever heard. As Patrice turns in her Hooli badge and parking-garage pass, she sees an ad soliciting tech-company gossip for C.J. Cantwell’s blog. A vengeful smirk appears on Patrice’s face.
The current 25-percent owner of C.J.’s blog, Erlich Bachman, is quite adept at his new job as Chief Evangelism Officer of Pied Piper. Due to his keen ability to manipulate others who think like him, Erlich uses FOMO to achieve a Pied Piper bidding war. The lesson here? Investors will react, sometimes against their best interests, if they fear “missing out” on the next big thing.
Erlich gives us explicit details on how FOMO works. And I do mean explicit: Erlich’s speech is as memorable for its endless inanity as it is for its grotesque references to masturbation. The speech climaxes with the revelation that Coleman Blair Venture Capitalists has offered $6 million to float Pied Piper through its next round of development. “And it’s all because of this little uptick!” Erlich proudly announces, pointing at the screen that shows Pied Piper’s Daily Active Users (DAU) growth.
Upon hearing this, Jared squirms uncontrollably. Unbeknownst to Erlich, the uptick is fake, a by-product of Jared’s fake-user skullduggery. His attempt to come clean to Richard begins with an awkward offer of tea and spider-covered Russell Stover candy. “Is this about the fake users?” Richard asks. “So you knew?” Jared says with relief. Clearly, Jared forgot how easily it was for Pied Piper’s God view to expose Dinesh’s fake friends. Richard must have forgotten as well: He figured it out based on file-loading activity, rather than Pied Piper’s GPS locator. “We have a secret,” Jared whispers to Richard.