Fi’s fight back - appointment day and update

The first appointment day I’ve filmed for AGES!
A bit of an update treatment wise.
A big cry.
But also, as ever, kept on going.
#actuallyautistic #anorexiarecovery #autism #autismawareness #dayinthelife #eatingdisorderrecovery #edrecovery #inpatient #recovery #recoveryispossible

[@tootsla1252]

You have literally been engaged in a battle for your life. You have kept choosing life - a fully actualized life. It must have been exhausting. You have pushed through so many hard spots - hard challenges. Just know we are all here for you and we care.

[@abbyjordan8835]

Dearest Fi, I wanted to post this for you. I am almost 70: years old and I had AN when I was your age. I think that as you were talking you were really articulating some very important things about life in general. I think the key is that life is hard for everyone. Lots of people who may not have ever had AN or any ED can have thoughts of self hatred or low self esteem. This is all part of normal life. I wouldn’t have understood that when I was in my early 20s or as a teenager or even in my 30s. I was an only child and I only had my Mum. Mum was very smart PhD at 23 from Oxford. I felt like a disappointment. But many people who don’t have EDs feel like they can’t live up to what their parents want or that they are not as goal- oriented as their friends. Anorexia awash your coping mechanism for dealing with those thoughts and I know that feeling bad about having those thoughts is harder for someone who is as sensitive and introspective as you are and maybe I am and many others are. I really think your stating that you are not always feeling good is actually such growth because you are STATING IT WITH WORDS and not hiding behind those thoughts by using anorexia. I think having negative thoughts about oneself is different from having anorexia because people who just self injure may “ hate “ themselves. And then there are so many other people who don’t appear to have anything obviously wrong who may be in the mind set of not liking themselves. I don’t know if I am expressing this clearly but at my age- and trust me- I don’t necessarily feel great about myself even at 70 but I know that this is all part of life. I think when we are younger we think that if we were just a little more X or Y that life would be happier or we would feel better about ourselves or have better self esteem. But the truth is that no one does life perfectly. I don’t think many people feel terrific about themselves all the time. “ Successful people “ may still think they are not successful enough. A woman who decides to stay home and raise her family might think she not “ as good or “ worth as much” as the woman who has a profession and a family. What I am trying to say is that you mustn’t be down on yourself for just being HUMAN. You listed all the things that you see that you have given to yourself in the past year through your recovery. Be gentle with yourself. We all struggle. It’s just part of life. But talking about feelings and not hiding them behind starving is hard but you ARE DOING IT. We are proud of you and don’t be harsh on yourself for just being real and just experiencing life’s reality. Sending you much love and hugs and accolades for all your success! Abby

[@nancyalal]

Well conveyed. I had feelings of being proper, good, and a therapist told me being a middle child, daughter, sister , one older, one younger, I ended up being kind of the fixer"...but I evolved by being alone at times and realized I was learning to mother myself in my ways. It wasn't a big thing, just I succeeded in breathing freely" My vocation is all with animals" Turning focus less on people made me better with people. ❤

[@nancyalal]

Oh! And don't worry how often you check in. You have given so much of yourself, shared family, the dogs, trips, just love it I do"❤

[@michelechandler4692]

As a recovered anorexic the recovery journey is an up and down process. You are night on point with your journey. Getting better means you are allowing yourself to feel the difficult things. The anorexia takes those feelings away and numbs you but sends you on a downward spiral into a black hole. Anorexia takes a back seat the more you acknowledge what is going on. I have been recovered for 10 years but always refused to look at the “numbers”. It is only in the last year or so that I have allowed my self to do that and not feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I walk out of the dietician office and think well I’m still walking, talking and laughing and that’s what is important to me!

[@kecrn4132]

This is so incredible to read❤❤. Huge congrats to you!!

[@nancyalal]

Hug yourself wrap arms, rock back forth. Enjoy moments of strides, your parents, must be a little more calmer, and go forth young lady! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@ivana3587]

So glad to see you been better! Well done girl!👏

[@user-sh6qq5om8j]

Our stories seem so similar. I was devastated to have put so much effort into recovery from anorexia to then feel even worse mentally (depression). This also used to be the point I‘d go backwards. This time I did something different. I kept going (and am still keeping on) and am working through it. Having received my autism diagnosis this january and also getting to the root of why I needed my ED as a coping mechanism are both very helpful. The ED is there for a reason. It is logical that once we „get rid“ of our coping strategy we‘ll be faced with difficult stuff - the very things we were desperately running away from for so long. But going backwards has never fixed it, has it? As hard and horrible as this place might feel, it‘s a necessary part of the journey towards full recovery. And you‘re doing the work. One day at a time. It does get better. It really does. And: you‘re not alone.

[@annabrewer9009]

you CAN get through this hard time, Fi! Remember how many tough things you have gone through before. At the time, they felt impossible - but you have got through, and you have got through a million times stronger and a better person! Nothing worth doing is ever easy, but that is what makes it worth it! You are POWERFUL and we all believe in you.

[@paulawhittaker3538]

It's a year today I started my own recovery journey. I've had to do it on my own & I've come to realise that there's no time limit on how long it takes to get better. There will always be thought but it's what do or not do. I've not been coping & I've listened to my thoughts & skipped my evening meal on 2 consecutive days. I could carry on like this but I have a choice. I know I'm going to have to work on getting better coping mechanisms. I've never liked me & it's so easy to beat ourselves up. It's an area I need to wade through & deal with the difficult emotions. You've survived 100% of your worst times & you will get through this too xx

[@allisonhamilton1245]

Also, it can be so hard to define and appreciate who we are after struggling for so long. You will get there. What I want to say is going to bed cliche but life doesn't have a destination it is a journey. Some days you are in the valley, sometimes you are at the top of the hill. Mental health is such a process. Continue to give yourself grace and time. ❤❤❤❤

[@allisonhamilton1245]

Oh sweet girl as I said I've been diagnosed for 32 years. Lows happen. You are tackling it best you can. That's all you can ask of yourself. We are here whenever you are ready to share. We hold space until you are ready. ❤

[@silkpursesowsear32]

Oh Fi, I’ve not seen your videos for a while and it has warmed my heart seeing you today, keep going beautiful girl xxx

[@lisanancoff3462]

Sending you much love sweetie ❤ you are smart, kind and beautiful inside and out ! And so worth it...just keep going baby ❤

[@katespalding2134]

I’m sorry things have been so tricky. You overcome hurdle after hurdle and have come back strong, resilient and brave. 😊

[@manifestword3405]

Wow. I discovered my autism this past year and it's so hard to face that "this is me" coz it feels like another challenge i don't want to wake up and face. Yes, the awareness helps, but I think the struggle is real. "This is who I am" and I am struggling to incorporate that awareness. I'm noticing a bridge ahead that sort of reads "celebrate who you are".. and that feels so foreign to me. It's a very vulnerable thing and big big challenge to even notice it up ahead.. thank you for sharing. I don't feel so quite alone in all of this💜

[@amyamy1507]

I’m sorry things are tough. I’m not anorexic but struggle with disordered eating and definitely feel the self-hate that you spoke about, feeling it quite intensely right now. I’m hopeful that things will become brighter again soon (for us both)

[@alexisaltieri9962]

Girlfriend! Progress is NEVER LINEAR. Where would we find strength and resilience if it was? You ARE ENOUGH, and you are AMAZING. Go live life and do crazy fun things and keep going❤ there is a great big world out there waiting for your presence to join it!

[@lorischmidt2936]

Love you. You are the sunshine in a cloudy day. Beautiful!

[@xristinas2767]

Oh Fi i am so proud of you not because of the long way you came already but because you still keep trying even in difficult times!! Keep going 💕

[@annettestephens7107]

Sending you so much love Fi ❤️ Be kind to yourself you got this one day at a time xxxx

[@lovelylight80]

I needed this video today so badly. I have been sharing similar sentiments and at times saying I am not ok out loud is a huge load to say . U are amazing .love u so lovely .u have got this 👍

[@JerBearxoxo]

i understand your struggle with this disease i struggle with it too! you look beautiful my dear! i’m proud of you!!

[@kimunder1]

All normal feelings Fee! It’s definitely part of recovery and you being honest and vulnerable is helpful to others. Let’s them know they aren’t alone 💜

[@andreag9913]

Oh fi I just want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug. Most often we are our own worst critic and facing that can be so very difficult. Sending lots of love ❤❤❤

[@ellieblake2287]

first you dont need to say sorry for not uploading in a while we want to see you happy and getting better so if that means taking a break everynow and again just do it i know its had as i suffer from anorexia and struggle so much be wating you makes me all the more willing to recover and because my niece who is 1 years old i cant ever pick her up cause she is heavy but cute bless her and ps next time your dad asks wheres his doughnut say im just eating it now for banters lol and keep your journey on finding fi you are an insporation for lots of people love your videos xx

[@sherrymazza8403]

Wish I could give you a big hug. You have had many hurdles to overcome over the past year and you are doing it!! Bit by bit, step by step. You are very special and I hope you will soon see what we see in you. You’ve got this Fi!

[@nicolaoffert4006]

I've been in recovery for something different for a year now. I think recovery is the hardest part of all. You're out there being brave and strong, but it can be a challenging place. Recovery is taking a giant courageous leap which will lead to a great life, success and happiness. You have achieved so much and will continue to do so. You are a fighter and an inspiration to others. 💕

[@k2creates37]

Just know that you are helping all of us…….we all have the feelings you have……the sadness and guilt that we live with can be unbearable…….just know that there are people who support you on YOUR JOURNEY! It is your own and you will find your way. Just knowing that this is a long process in and of itself is progress. Go at your own pace….it’s ok. And you always look great! Keep up the good work. You are an inspiration!

[@NicoleWyckoff]

....now you are prepared by all you have learned to go back into your self with kindness; the old self hatred now has this new lense through which you can begin to find a new view. You inspire people most I would guess because you have been so honest; it is not all good moments, it is a struggle, and you are worth it.

[@catherinemitchell3721]

Thankyou very much for today's post Fi💗.Having been in your position, I really get where you are. It takes alot of courage to look inwards. Anorexia serves as a barrier to growth; so letting go leaves us wondering who we are..really. It's okay to struggle, and recovery certainly isn't linear. I found it easier to gradually acknowledge 'liking ' aspects of myself/ as opposed to suddenly loving myself. I hope as time passes you see/ feel more comfortable with the kind/ resilient/ intelligent/ funny & loving person you are. Thinking of you precious Fi💜💓

[@lorenspath6538]

Hi Fi! Happy to see you! Its ok to be nervous,youre doing great. There is no need to ever be sorry. Im very nervous about things too,I understand how you feel. Keep going,youre looking beautiful! Love Loren🤗

[@sar12389]

Thank you so much for your honesty. I can so relate to this,im in similar stage of recovery. Your not alone in these feelings. X

[@SchueyFan13]

Just want to send a big hug Fi xx

[@lorenspath6538]

I know how upsetting things get. There are many days where I feel exactly the way you do. I get very sad,and I admit I dont feel well. Its ok, Youre NOT ALONE!!!! Please dont cry. Im here for you.

[@suzyflower8392]

Bless you just keep on going recovery is hard but we can do difficult things I struggle sometimes it’s hard but you can do this your a star Fiona xx

[@alimoore589]

Oh, I keep meaning to say, I decided to try Biscoff speead because I know uou like and...oh wow! It is delicious!! Actually, I know you'll get there. Just look at much progress you've made. Saying you love donuts 😁😁 Stop applogisinf the way you look. You look beautiful x

[@kerrymayhall368]

I SO understand where you are at! You will get there! I will get there!

[@suzyflower8392]

You have helped me with the come dine me videos love those having my dinners with you x

[@drdebthompson]

"in a world I don't really know"... THIS! You will find your footing in your worthiness with more support, and are less in the grip of your inner bully. I am sure you know of Katherine May as a Brit autistic author, but if not, she's on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast recently, and has her own podcast and books. Lovely and articulate. Thought of you

[@carolthomas3593]

You have done so well. Be proud and try not to get swallowed by you difficult thoughts ❤

[@leannecraggs3165]

I wish I cud fix this feeling for us all , I feel the same and have heard it many times b4 we get a bit better but still so many struggles daily xx

[@optimistic_blue7606]

I think something a lot of people can forget when it comes to EDs and recovery is that even when someone physically looks healthier, that doesn't make them recovered. Someone can be in a better physical place and still be mentally battling every single meal with those thoughts. Physically healthier isn't the same as mentally healthier in terms of ED recovery.

[@dbcpcd1790]

You will 100% get there ❤

[@kecrn4132]

I think for most recovering from ED, recovery is a journey that spans years…. And that is ok!!

[@maryrubino2504]

I get it❤ you are doing great at this point!

[@maryrubino2504]

❤️🇨🇦🥰

[@Bronwen.Forbes.Kotze1983]

Krispy Creme Donuts are the best 😋❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@kimunder1]

I would still do blind weighing. If this is a trigger, you don’t really need to know but I’m a recovering ED too 😊 so I say do whatever you need to keep going 💜

[@vickyequi8837]

Sending hugs Fi. Xx

[@Natnat994]

Wow, as someone who hasn't dealt with an ED before, the process of healing sounds very bitter-sweet. That sucks, instead of being able to just revel in the joy of your accomplishments, you have the ED tempering all of your victories with criticism and negativity. You deserve to just bask in the joy without all the other stuff. I'm sorry the ED isn't allowing for that right now.

[@suzyflower8392]

Love brioche buns I have the vegan one’s amazing

[@kecrn4132]

There was a time though when you did find it hard to hear that you looked better as I recall a video asking for people not to make those comments.

[@actgirl1234567]

❤❤❤

[@kerrimcilroy4096]

Hope u are ok sorry to here u have had tough couple weeks

[@rachelc1ark_]

sending a hug 🫂❤

[@esploeresploer7030]

❤.

[@suzyflower8392]

Where do you get cookie dough from I would eat it without the chocolate