What To Do When Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex - Sheri Mueller & Erin Smalley

Husbands and wives are different physically, emotionally and sexually. Tragically, 1 out of 3 married women have a greater sex-drive than their husbands, which can lead to shame, isolation, and conflict in their marriages. But couples can learn how to draw together and trust God through this struggle, and expand their understanding of intimacy in marriage.
Get the book, I Want Him to Want Me: bit.ly/4bz8uWO
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#FocusontheFamilywithJimDaly #SheriMueller #ErinSmalley #IWantHimtoWantMe #PursuingIntimacywithaReluctantHusband #FocusontheFamily #WantingtoBeWanted

[@mimiohnine]

My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer, had it removed and now is on hormone blockers. He has zero sex drive. He is a very good provider and my best friend. I miss the intimacy. But I still have him to lean on and he loves me. When we said our vows 38+ years ago it was til death do us part. God has blessed our union and is still the center of us.

[@sherim5943]

Lifting you and your marriage up in prayer for healing and restoration. Focus on the Family provides wonderful counseling referrals and resources. The book provides insight into new ways to communicate your needs and to potentially understand some of the potential "whys" in your husband's world.

[@kirstenb.8695]

Thank you so much for addressing this topic, so women who aren't loved as they should be won't feel so alone!

[@lorraine3525]

Wow she explained that so clear so real so transparent, switch my mind from his performance to his heart. I need to connect head knowledge with heart knowledge. yes thanks for being so vulnerable and transparent. Thanks to your husband for allowing you to share as well, i think that is the icing on the cake.

[@ke753reej]

I’ve dealt with this for several years, and we’re in our 30s. I thought something was wrong with me for wanting to have sex with my husband only to be rejected. A month ago, I felt a nudge to ask him about porn, I used to believe the best in him and I would defend him when these thoughts would come into my head, and then I asked him and he confessed. My heart was shattered. It answered questions for me, but he gaslit me for year thinking I was crazy. He’s been repentive for over a month, please contribute to pray for a Holy Spirit power to be over His life.

[@focusonthefamily]

If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Just give your number to the Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone. They will pass along your phone number to one of our caring Christian counselors. One of them will return your call just as soon as they’re able. We hope to hear from you soon. - Steve L.

[@sherim5943]

Lord, I lift this marriage up to you for healing.

[@BobbyCulpepper.srv3fender]

Have you thought about asking to watch it with him? The marriage bed is undefiled.... Keep in between the two of you

[@jseehowitsbeen3177]

Praying for you right now sister in Christ.

[@womenofhopecon]

I’ve dealt with this throughout marriage. Thank you.

[@focusonthefamily]

We're sorry to hear that. We'll pray for you and your marriage and we're glad this talk could provide some help.

[@bethanyheyde805]

The majority of women I’ve talked to would be overjoyed if their husbands didn’t want to have sex. They act like they hate it or that it is a chore.

[@robertshriver8392]

That’s interesting

[@sherim5943]

I lean toward disagreeing with this observation on many levels as one of the societal myths that is perpetuated in movies, TV, and through distorted perceptions of female sexuality.

[@dlight2669]

If a man knows how to give pleasure to their mate it would change the world for them and it would not be a chore

[@antoniettadimarco3133]

Communication is so important through the seasons. If you truly love, weathering the storms will overcome the challenges as long as you are honest with each other. It does change but it will bring you to a new chapter.

[@robertshriver8392]

So true

[@julianaoyegun7600]

Tnx for this conversation although I don’t think I heard the word REJECTION. The ‘deprived’ partner is very likely to experience feelings of rejection as well as and perhaps even more than shame. How long is too long not to be wanted?

[@sherim5943]

I agree. Shame was used to describe one reason this topic has been hidden by wives about their relationship with their husband's for so long. It can be challenging to portray the whole heart of a book in a 20-30 minute interview. If you decide to read the book, the words rejection, loneliness, embarrassed, alone, starved, deprived, and ashamed are used throughout. Everyone's experience is different, so to define a too long wait period depends on many layers. The book also addresses the dangers of indifference and what if nothing changes.

[@jessyjonas4988]

Communication within marriage cannot be overstated From the beginning of the relationship do not overlook the fact of one partner not wanting to talk Excellent conversation Thanks FOTF

[@focusonthefamily]

Thank you for sharing @jessyjonas4988! God bless you! -Luna H.

[@ganrhod204]

I'll say weight gain and cleanliness of spouses (in this case wives) - consequently attractiveness levels post marriage could be a huge turn off for husbands in marriage and many are terrified to bring it up with their wives. You have to eliminate the obvious before digging deeper for hidden psychological explanations of low libido in men. This is not talked enough in churches and Christian spaces.

[@dlight2669]

So shower together make it fun

[@MrSamkataman]

How about when a spouse let's herself or himself go (physically) and there is no more physical chimestry or attraction 🤔

[@robertshriver8392]

Yes that is a great question

[@pauldeanda4985]

Very true! The thing is that way too many people forget about this issue, not to mention how they dress a/o other things that brought them together. I think it’s that people get too comfortable with each other and start taking each other for granted! After a few years that begin to feel / think that they are stuck with each other, which is the worst way to think in a relationship. I’m not married, but these are some of the issues that have come btwn me and the many women that I have dated a/o lived with.

[@gapatriot3729]

One major problem is today's porn addiction issues which destroyed 2 marriages for me !

[@synewparadigm]

How did you stopped to be addicted?

[@marosialvarez8918]

Marriage vows should include "sex or no sex" The Church has neglected this issue to the damage of women feeling isolated and guilty. Jokes about the wife"s excuse"not tonight honey I have a headache" has contributed to the stereotype that only man want sex. Unfortunately men who for whatever reason have no sex drive also lack the ability to be intimate emotionally or in a non sexual way. Only through the Lord can a Christian marriage survive this challenge in marriage. I'm not a counselor or ever read or heard anyone talk about this my journey is personal with my husband and the Lord. Is a lonely journey indeed, but after over 40 of marriage I've come to embrace the value of my husband's qualities that fulfill me in other ways...although sex would still be welcomed😂

[@robertshriver8392]

Yes, I to am trying the other things

[@julianaoyegun7600]

Finally, is it tragic that 1 in 3 women have a stronger sex drive than their husbands OR is it tragic that this fact is unacknowledged and therefore isn’t addressed or honestly dealt with by couples, counselors and the church. ‘Tragically’ is an interesting word to apply to this issue!

[@robertshriver8392]

Wow that a lot of information

[@vildaolsen563]

I am past all of this !!!!

[@kimmaclean3234]

What do you mean.. past it?

[@cynthiarm253]

FYI Almost never addressed is undiagnosed ASD, or a spouse with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and how this can affect intimacy in every form.

[@sherim5943]

Neurodiversity is discussed in the book.

[@samuelbell3281]

Let's be honest; most women don't self-reflect and ask themselves what role they are playing in being rejected.

[@sherim5943]

I kindly suggest that you consider reading the book (I Want Him to Want Me) with your wife, which might open your eyes because it contains a great deal more information than the 19 minute interview (including self-reflection for wives and husbands). Then pursue open and honest communication about what is causing barriers in intimacy.

[@dlight2669]

Equally consider this how many men know how to emotionally engage with their wife so that she's truly feels loved and cared for. And how many men actually know how to pleasure their wife so that she in turn wants to give . Try it you'll reap 100 fold.

[@dlight2669]

If a man knows how to make his wife loved and cared for and gives her pleasure she will self-reflect.

[@samuelbell3281]

@@dlight2669 accountability is kryptonite for modern women.

[@Lacuna1122]

​@@samuelbell3281truth

[@janiehesser8591]

Shout Hallelujah @

[@rodlynch2319]

this advice is very good for couples who are normal well balanced people. What about the many who are married to a possesive partner or worse, a narcissist? Not sure what they are? look it up, it's not pretty.

[@sherim5943]

It is very difficult to address all scenarios is a 20 minute interview. The book - I Want Him to Want Me - addresses several scenarios that are of concern to you.

[@jude8223]

My ex didn’t want sex because he had a girlfriend he never gave up when he marry me.

[@RicardoGarcia-et6gc]

What? uean some ladies in my church watch promo? Amazing eh

[@scales57]

So heres the question: if a spouse (we seem to be picking on men here) refuses sex, is it grounds for divorce?

[@omowunmioyedare]

No, it’s not.

[@scales57]

@@omowunmioyedare From a Christian perspective? Because in terms of marital law, it’s called ‘alienation of affection’. Does anyone truly expect a husband or wife to live for years - perhaps decades - without physical affection? We ARE human, after all. Sorry, but no.

[@dlight2669]

That's confusing because if somebody's alienating you from affection and you go to find it from somebody else didn't that person kind of set you up for failure.... Seeking attention and affection because they are denying you? I mean isn't this the excuse that a lot of men use.

[@scales57]

@@dlight2669 and women

[@edhog]

Absolutely zero mention of maintenance to maintaining attractiveness to your partner. If my wife was 300lbs - that aspect of the relationship would be dead. Ladies if your husband isn’t interested in you, have a look in the mirror and ask yourself if you’re the best you could be. Same goes for men. I’m a bodybuilder and my wife is a fitness freak… we can’t keep our hands off one another, still in the honeymoon phase years later. If I was 100lbs heavier it would be disgusting and disrespectful to expect the same level of intensity and desire from my wife. Get off your high horse and do the work.

[@dlight2669]

So you're saying that you only married her because of what she looked like. I guess emotional compatibility didn't factor into that equation huh. Maybe that's why she's gained so much weight? Truly if someone feels that they are loved and appreciated they are going to want to be attractive. Emotional neglect can wreak havoc on a person and make them find solace in food

[@jseehowitsbeen3177]

So what happens if one of you become disabled and does gain a lot of weight? What happens if one of you comes down with some kind of illness and gains a lot of weight and can’t lose it? That kind of superficial desire for attractiveness based only or even mostly in looks is not what can sustain a lasting marriage.

[@edhog]

@@jseehowitsbeen3177 She was bucked off her horse 2 years ago and broke her elbow and hurt her back. It was about 12 months until she was A1 again. We adjusted diet and she trained as she could until she was back in the saddle figuratively and literally, riding and gym wise. Didn’t lose a pound and didn’t gain one either. Letting ones self go is from lack of discipline, all body builders and fitness athletes know this. Being injured or sick can be hard but if youre careful and disciplined it won’t matter. Living the way we do works for us. Living the other other do seems to work less well. You’re defending your opinion which is fine, I’m going to assume you have a different perspective because of your lived experiences, which aren’t that of a pro builder - take my word on it, it’s better to be jacked with a hot partner than not.

[@DistrustUS]

What are your thoughts on pity sex?

[@robertshriver8392]

That’s just what it is

[@dlight2669]

Pity party

[@tericompton1106]

I can't say my husband doesn't want it. He may, just not with me! I'm ok with that!

[@kimberlygreidanus5639]

???

[@robertshriver8392]

@@kimberlygreidanus5639it ok have confidence in yourself

[@meredithdrummond8435]

This is exactly what I have been dealing with for my 10 years of marriage. My husband has a very low sex drive and mine is very high. I have tried to talk to him but nothing has changed. He won't talk to me about it or what's going on. He isn't very open about his sexual desires or what he wants in bed. He doesn't like to be touched so that effects it and makes it hard for me. Idk what else to do. I crave sex, intimacy, attention,touch, anything.

[@sherim5943]

Focus on the Family has counseling resources that I would highly recommend, even if your husband will not join you. The book - I Want Him to Want Me - addresses several of your concerns with some potential solutions that could not be covered in the 20 minute interview. I lift you and your marriage up in prayer.

[@nancywells2099]

Over 2 years. Nothing

[@lisapitts9518]

Our priorities are elsewhere. He works all day and is exhausted in the evening. I have had 2 back surgeries and no longer have the energy.

[@clc477]

Well it's probably cause the women gains 100 pds and doesn't try to look good anymore so there's that lol can go vice versa too

[@robertshriver8392]

Yes weight can be a issue

[@sherim5943]

@@robertshriver8392 An issue that arises for both members of a marriage.

[@chrisc2417]

He’s cheating

[@sherim5943]

This is addressed in the book.

[@Quades-u9j]

godbless 🙏 ✨️ 💖 ❤️ 💕 😘 yall 🙌 🙏 ❤️ ♥️ 💖 💓 faith 🙏 ✨️ 😊 💖 😘 ❤️ over 🙏 ✨️ 😊 💖 😘 ❤️ fier 🙏 ✨️ 💖 ❤️ 💕 😘 in 🙌 🙏 ❤️ ♥️ 💖 😀 Jesus Christ's name 😀 😄 😊 🤣 😜 😆 I 🙏 🤲 🕍 🕌 ⛪️ 🛕 🙏

[@radarada7954]

Time waste! With all due respect, but could you mention in the title, that it's a christian proselytism and not a professional discussion about a serios topic? Why did I have to waste 15 minutes of my life waiting for some useful information, but instead getting bible quotes about god's intentions? Please have some respect towards people who want to hear science and not your believes!

[@sherim5943]

With all due respect, both women being interviewed are women of faith, and Focus on the Family is a Christian organization. I believe faith and science intersect. The book that is show in the background, I Want Him to Want Me, is written from a faith perspective but does integrate information on current research challenges about this topic. We may need to agree to disagree, which is the option we all have in being kind toward one another with differences of opinion. I feel it is difficult to examine this topic without a balance of faith, emotions, counseling, and science.

[@jillpruett3444]

Or maybe he's gay?

[@sherim5943]

This is addressed in the book.

[@j.d.7569]

Thank you for dealing with this topic…there is so much embarrassment involved that it seems safe not to tell anyone…