forever in my heart

[@brookehenderson5762]

Wait Mike Ayers was your boyfriend?! I worked with him at Community Recovery Los Angeles. I don't even know how I stumbled on this video and than as you were talking I looked you up on Instagram and I saw my friend. WOW. My heart breaks for you ❤️❤️ I have personally witnessed the impact of his kindness and patience and understanding. I saw him inspire clients and watched him help his friends. I would imagine his memorial was out the door with love & community Sending love to you & his family & his closest friends. You will persevere through this as I know you had watched him do with so many lost friends. His struggle was real but his love is infinite ❤️❤️ stay strong love

[@orangejmoothies]

well...technically ex bf. she posted a new deleted video about how his addiction wrecked havoc on her mental health when he was alive.

[@brookehenderson5762]

@@orangejmoothies can't blame her. Dating is really hard in addiction. You either live with the fear of that call and antagonize yourself everyday, or you let go & prepare for the call. You know it's coming one way or another and I respect her for putting up boundaries. It doesn't make losing him any easier

[@0789langers]

Thank you for being vulnerable, it's so brave. Don't feel bad about not thinking of him every second of the day, he will live forever in your heart, which is a much happier/healthier place for him to exist than in your head. RIP Michael.

[@HeyCosby]

Haven’t finished watching but I wanted to take the time to say that everything you feel is valid. Take your time with everything. You don’t owe us anything. I, and I’m sure your other subscribers, are here for you when you’re ready to be here. ❤ Love you, Steph.

[@janeosun]

^ this part. sending you lots of love steph. grief is so non linear so take your time. ❤

[@emmydng]

I hope this brings you as much comfort as it has brought me: "As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out."

[@viv7795]

This is the best thing ever written about grief. It helped me a lot when I was in the thick of it

[@angeldaley]

One of my favorites 🙏🏽

[@angelina6278]

I can't imagine how hard it must be to share this. What a beautiful last memory with Michael. Thinking of you 💜

[@rosem9666]

Dogs are so intuitive. She knows her mumma is heartbroken.. ❤️ Someone once told me (after my mum passed) that grief is love with no where to go. It makes me incredibly sad but it’s now I think it’s more bittersweet as it meant I have experienced a big love and brings me comfort to know I was SO lucky to have had that. I hope that gives you solace x

[@latinaandreea]

I'm so sorry for your loss... I can't even imagine the pain... I hope your days get a little lighter day by day. Addiction is such a hard thing, I hope he has found peace in the afterworld, whatever the afterlife is, I truly hope he is resting peacefully. Sending you much love steph !!

[@mamamiamor1939]

Sweet Stephanie, you did not owe us this AT ALL, but thank you for being so vulnerable and open with us is like this is. I am so heartbroken for you. Grief is exhausting, debilitating, and all encompassing. Like you said there is just the constant weighty, heavy feeling in your chest accompanied by the physical pain of a broken heart. Trying to stay afloat is exhausting, especially by yourself. I hope that you have a great support system surrounding you as well as a great therapist you can trust in. I have never felt the pain from losing a loved one, but I am grieving over the end of my 7 year long relationship (though obviously not quite the same), thank you for sharing with us, know you aren't alone, and I wish you so much healing and strength during this time.

[@annikahendry]

Hi Stephanie, I've never commented on a KZbin video before but this really spoke to me on so many levels. I lost my dad very suddenly to a burst aneurysm 6 weeks ago. We were very close and that day changed everything and the pain you feel is so physical and visceral it is hard to imagine how you can begin to live life again. Losing someone you love is such a universal experience but also one that is very personal and lonely. No matter how many people tell you that they have been through a loss too, it doesn't do anything to help take away the pain you feel right now. I know the pain will never go away, we will never "get over" these experiences (that is a terrifying thought in of itself). but we will learn to live alongside those feelings and keep the good memories in our hearts and minds. Grief is the price we pay for loving someone so much. I think about my dad constantly everyday, it is exhausting and I still can't fathom what a life without him can be like. I am starting to have more days that feel better and that makes me feel guilty like I am leaving him behind. Moving forward doesn't need to mean forgetting or leaving someone behind, it means allowing the feelings of grief and memories of someone to coexist with moments of peace and happiness that they would no doubt want us to feel.

[@bluedinosaurss]

your words are so beautiful. thank you for sharing and sending love your way 🤍

[@laurapalmer2126]

This was beautifully written 🤍

[@juliettedonley7932]

This was astounding to watch. I have been watching you for years and I just sincerely wanted to say that I have such a deep love for you. this really hurt. I can't comprehend or even begin to understand how you must be feeling but know that we are here for you Stephanie and love you unconditionally

[@FM_ris]

I had no idea of this part of your personal life. As someone who has addicts in the close family and who lost a lot of friend to addiction I want to say I feel really close to you right now. Only those who've been affected by this horrible, devastating and gigantic disease can understand. It's a nightmare and your partner, as all my friends, they are warriors. Ignored, despised and criminalized by this sick society and corrupt governments. Your tears bring back all my anger, frustration and despair. It's easy to feel guilty, feel like there's something else that could have been done, but that's not the case. We, the ones who loved this people, always do all we can. I don't think there will be a way to ease your pain with words, let alone from a stranger, so I won't attempt to. I will just say that I'm there with you, we all are, I hope you'll find the strength to heal.

[@visi7891]

i just came back to Steph's channel after not viewing for maybe a year? 3 years? idk. so much going on in my life, i dropped youtube. i just remember ... they werent dating anymore, last i checked? and now this!? omg. this girl is so strong

[@beingearnest123]

I'm so so sorry for your loss, Stephanie. It's clear how much you loved/love him, and I'm so sorry you're having to experience this pain. Sending so much love your way

[@arinachepur]

My heart goes out to you.. I can't imagine how hard it must be to live through this loss. Don't blame yourself for anything and stay safe. I wish you all the best.

[@SunYpeachJ]

I don’t really comment on KZbin videos. This video spoke to me on such a personal level. Almost 3 years ago now my boyfriend passed away in a very sudden and tragic car accident. We were both 24 at the time and I don’t think many can’t really relate to what it’s like to loose a partner so young and so sudden like that. I was absolutely heart broken. I couldn’t eat or drink, I couldn’t sleep in my bed because it was a space we shared, I wore his sweater he left me everyday for a good year or so, and I felt like I couldn’t stop crying. All of the pain and grief was so physical and none of my friends or family could understand what I was experiencing. I really do feel for you deep in my heart. I know maybe it might not mean much now but it does get better. It took a lot of time but all the pain and grief I felt faded. I felt guilty about it at first but all the pain I went through turned into only good memories of him and our time together. A tip I found in my experience that helped, reach out to other people that were close to him and share stories. After my boyfriend passed I had so many of his friends reach out to me and being able to talk to people that were close to him gave me comfort. One of his best friends just had a beautiful baby boy. Another one of his best friends just got married. I’ve seen many of the people he was close to experiencing new life. Honestly it’s been such a journey but I am happy to be here witnessing it for him. There is always light where there is tragedy. Even though it doesn’t feel like it now, that light will come to you. Let yourself feel, be open, and let time heal you.

[@iheartjunkfood]

Feeling guilty for moving forward is such a difficult part of grieving someone. Michael knows you love him and that you always will, and that he'll always be with you even as you move forward with your life ❤️ sending love

[@sunnylotus]

Thank you for your vulnerability, Stephanie. Sending love for you and Michael's family. Michael seemed like such an endearing person; I bet that he would want you to live happily on behalf of him. Please take all the time you need

[@katrinafasho]

I can imagine it’s emotional to film because it finalizes it further. I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad lost his fiancé 2 years ago and he still mostly sleeps on the couch. His goal for the new year is to start sleeping in his room again. My dad doesn’t show a lot of emotion and your video and expression helps me deeper understand how my dad must be feeling. Thank you ❤

[@suri_ray]

My heart goes out to you. I lost my younger sister because of fentanyl. Don't beat yourself up. There is nothing I can say but I am sending you a hug and I hope Michael is at peace and I hope that you find some comfort in the good times that you shared together.

[@starbun111]

Wrapping you up in warm and empathetic energy. Ive been watching you for awhile and i hear your pain. You are a beautiful soul of love and light and your love was not wasted.

[@gabzsantos]

I love you stephanie, wishing you healing. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, sending big hugs.

[@bulbsour]

your body is doing her best, sending so much patience and energy your way. so grateful you have your community and josie there with you and keeping his joy alive.

[@donyaa9767]

I am lost for words. This hits close to home in ways and I thank you for sharing. You are not alone.

[@HK-cp8tm]

Sweet baby, so grieved to hear this, crying with you. I'm so sorry for your loss, praying Jesus' comfort for you in this time.......know there is someone on the other side of the world just sitting with you through this.

[@julissaleilani]

Thank you for sharing. My dad lost his battle to addiction July, 2022. He was a beautiful person, but the disease of addiction robs so many...it's unfair. When you have a loved one that struggles with addiction, your grieving process starts when their addiction starts. This type of grief is different and deep, and I pray you know you're not alone. Take it day by day. Thank you for sharing about Michael to all of us. What a beautiful human being!

[@alexiamickens6295]

I lost my dad unexpectedly four years ago and I’m still dealing with the grief of it. There is no timeline. Take it day by day.

[@miniexistence]

Hi Steph, thanks so much for being so vulnerable. Addiction is a disease and the opioid crisis is especially real in the states. I just wanted to let you know that I know that feeling of constantly being on the verge of tears for months on end and I'm glad it's lightening up just a bit. Please do be kind to yourself and take your time, I'm sure everyone here will appreciate anything you want to post no matter how small it is. I've been watching you since I was a teenager and will continue to be here as you work back into getting yourself in a routine.

[@ellenthevirgo]

That honestly just broke my heart.. I wish I could give you a big hug! I've been watching your videos since you've been sitting in front of that brick wall in SF and I rewatch your vlogs all the time.. I really feel like we would be great friends in real life and seeing you suffer is so hard to watch.. I wish you all the best!! Sending so much love and strength!

[@HLNA14]

🙏🏻💐 Time doesn't heal grief, you learn to carry the grief differently. 💟

[@rosanaromero3544]

Oh my God 😥 May God give you strength, I send you a big hug and blessings😘🙏🏽

[@swimmingislove40]

I am so sorry for your loss Stephanie. I remember seeing him a lot in your vlogs and his personality was like a ray of sunshine coming through the screen. Sending you, his family, and everyone who knew him lots of love during this difficult time.

[@miawallace8616]

Drug addiction is very hard, and it’s even harder on those who love them. You did all that you could, and he will live on so long u remember him through out your life. You didn’t owe us an explanation but we thank u for ur vulnerability. Sending you so much warm love and healing.

[@MysticalZucchini]

i lost my best friend of 20+ years to overdose over 3 years ago....life does eventually get easier but I hate to say that I have an empty part of my soul that I think will be there forever. It is simply the consequence of love and losing that love forever, I wouldn't change a thing regardless. Sadness turns into happy sadness one day and you'll laugh/cry looking at old photos. I am truly so so f**king sorry for your loss and I hope you find peace one day knowing that your partner has found peace.

[@rywannabe1701]

stephanie, i wish you healing and strength. thank you for your vulnerability. i'm sorry for your loss.

[@BloodyMuffinx]

"What is grief, if not love persevering?". I'm so sorry for your loss, sending you love and strength 🤍

[@interpretrebekah]

I remember seeing you with Michael & his parents at Lowboy in Echo Park - I wanted to say hi, but you guys were smiling, laughing.... I didn't want to disturb the moment. 💗 Sending you lots of light and love ❤‍🩹❤‍🩹❤‍🩹

[@jennung7368]

My deepest condolences ❤😢

[@emilywerner4748]

Stephanie I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Please just know you are surrounded by Love and light coming from every corner of the globe. Thank you for your vulnerability. Thinking of you ❤

[@maolor1603]

Take all the time u need. So sorry for your loss. Sending u loads of loads of loads of love

[@ThomtheArtist-js9kp]

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you love, prayers, and strength.

[@allpicturenosound]

I feel for you so much. I have been here. I knew my brother would eventually die due to his addiction if he couldn't stay sober, and that is what happened. It's heartbreaking. Please always know that you did the right thing for you and there is no shame in that. You being with him would not have changed the outcome if he continued to choose drugs. I'm so so sorry, for Michael, for you and his parents, family and friends. This will change you all forever xo

[@artbymaree4680]

May you have love and light in the near future and i hope you heal sister.

[@GlendaSiagian]

Big hugs from afar ((hugs)). It's very weird whilst I am working at this moment, you were in my mind. And instantly I search for your channel manually (since KZbin notification sometimes hasn't been working properly lately) Deepest condolences for you and all Michael's family and friends... my dear, please don't feel guilty about grief. I understood so well how you felt right now. Thank you for your opening up to us here. Take your time as much as you want my dear. Rest in Peace Michael 🙏

[@ot7stan207]

I am/have been in your shoes. Exactly the same. It took me a long time (8 years) to process everything. Know that not everyone will be able to understand what you go through, and that professional people will guide you through (rage, sadness, acceptance, rage again etc) this part of your life and you will be able to process this eventually. Im sorry to hear this and wish you the best.

[@catpastor]

I love you and I’m right there with you, please remember the good in him (this will always make you cry) but I’ve been there and I love you and I’m here for you

[@3dstestmax557]

💔just wanted to send you my love from the other side of the world, in a way, Michael will always be here and part of this world. You are so strong ...im crying here with you

[@ClockitENT]

I remember watching your last video and I’m so sorry for you lost we all have be affect by someone we love and some way being an addict. Unfortunately the pandemic really hit hard on a lot of us in a lot of ways. May his soul truly Rest In Peace.

[@girlsarestrange]

I myself lost my bf of 5 yrs to Fentanyl and I struggled with his addiction all that time he passed away 2 years ago and it's something heartbreaking. They will always be in our hearts.

[@SuperMcha]

I'm so sorry to hear he didn't make it. Addiction is a devastating disease.

[@theonlycma]

I’ve been think about you so often Stephanie. You and his family are in my heart.

[@sasha_hardy]

I’m so so sorry for your loss. You’re incredibly strong for making this, and I hope it was another step in your grieving process that moves you forward. My boyfriend also had an addiction, with alcohol, and passed away 2 years ago due to it. We were both 29, and I also felt guilty for being here while he wasn’t. I just wanted to say how much I feel for you, and to please be patient with yourself 🖤 sending all of my love and positivity

[@lia_giu5147]

So sort for your loss. I wish him a beautiful transformation. You both had the great privilege to know each other and no one can take this away from you. Send you a warm hug

[@lia_giu5147]

*sort=sorry (this damn automatic correction 🙄😵‍💫🫠)

[@lucymoon]

God I'm so sorry Stephanie. Sending all my love x

[@Mimi-cd2bp]

My mom had passed away 2 months ago. She had been fighting stage four cancer for 4 years. She was so brave till the end. Having someone you love so much pass away after fighting such a long battle is so heart breaking. I so sorry for your lost. I’m so sorry for all the pain. I feel like I know what your going through because I too am having such a hard time moving forward. Thank you for sharing having all this happen while still in college has been so hard… and a lonely experience. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@mssmith9227]

You're doing great Steph. Take it moment by moment and the tears they will heal you from the inside out. Stay strong girl, you will get through

[@sheabuttaaa1]

There are no words to express how deeply I am sorry about this. You may not realize it, but his spirit is overflowing from this video. You say he has saved many lives and put everyone before himself... This video has potential to save a life. Hopefully your message will spread to anyone who needs to hear it. My deepest sympathies, Steph. Stay strong

[@naildavinci]

I’m so sorry for your lose and thank you for opening up about a sensitive subject. I’m crying with you now 😢

[@Sakurambo]

I can’t even imagine your pain. I’m so, so sorry. Please take time and focus on healing.

[@ItsGloryDaze]

So incredibly sorry for your loss. 💔 thank you for sharing your story.

[@lalalinduhh]

Oh, you sweet thing. Sending you so much love and wishing for your healing. ❤

[@Bunniem]

dont blame yourself. we all come into this world with our own destiny. this to shall pass.

[@christimcallister11]

Omg Stephanie I am so so SO sorry for your loss. I couldn't stop crying throughout this entire video. Please take all of the time you need to heal, we will wait ❤‍🩹 I can't imagine what you and the family are going through, but I am so proud of you for having the courage to want to film and get back to a normal routine. Whatever you need, we are here for you. We love you so much, and I am so glad that you have gotten the chance to love and be loved by Michael. You are a very special human being. I hope you never forget that 💞 Sending all my love and prayers to you, his family, and everyone impacted by his life.

[@SadeWatkins]

Everything you Wrote !!! ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[@semt9]

It is so hard to wrap the mind around a loved one being here one day and gone the next. My deepest condolences for your loss🕊️

[@alopexd6504]

Sending love. I lost my younger brother for the same reason a few years ago, he fought hard too. Everyone is different but all I can say is that the way me and his wife try to look at it is that while we’ll always wish he was here, we are grateful for all the years that we had, any small time is precious. While it breaks us I am glad you had this love for some time, and for all those we lose to drugs at least their battle is over.

[@redladybug9180]

Thank you for sharing, it’s still clearly raw for you x we are here for you always x

[@quiche_lorraine]

Oh no Stephanie I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you nothing but love and healing ❤

[@kileydelgado6817]

Thank you so much for sharing. Some many peoples lives have been touched by fentanyl. My mom past by fentanyl overdosed too and I felt so alone. Thank you for being brave enough to share this with so many people. Your partner was beautiful and no one will know how addiction can effect a relationship ❤️ you are so strong ❤❤❤

[@naturalnaiad]

My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry. This is the kind of indescribable pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Grief is not just sadness, it's a huge array of conflicting emotions. The first months after my devastating loss are foggy in hindsight. However I remember feeling confused and betrayed that time kept on moving, and that the world was just continuing on. It felt wrong, and I couldn't comprehend reality. You take your time Stephanie, do whatever feels right for you. Thank you for opening up to us. And I am so glad you have your beautiful baby Jo with you 💜

[@bitume]

30 sec in but I want to thank you for all the authenticity you've been sharing with us. The video on Al-Anon was really precious.

[@carmz916]

Sending you so much love to you and all of those that are grieving Michael ❤❤❤

[@VanityFading]

Hi, your video popped up on my feed randomly.. I am so sorry for your tragic loss. I recently lossed my partner unexpectedly last July from a careless driver. I just want to let you know that you are not alone. Take each day as it comes.

[@PrincessAlannaxx]

Beyond sorry to hear this. Sending you love and strength as you heal and adjust to the loss. RIP Michael 🤍

[@cringeproof100]

I’ll pray for you and for everyone else who’s gone through the same thing. God bless you in this time of grief.

[@cierraslowsdown]

My heart shattered when I heard over on IG. I’m SO so sorry, Stephanie… I’ll be sending healing prayers and love to you and his entire family and friends. Please do WHATEVER you need to do. ♥️

[@candidlyvivian]

sending you so much love Steph, i've been following you since 2013 and I can't imagine what you're going through.

[@Brookeshermanx]

I know this must have been an incredibly hard video to make and I don’t really have anything else to do say but I am sending you so so much love as you heal

[@undraas]

I feel u Steph. I also lost my precious angel. Sending virtual hug 🫂

[@delaney1047]

I'm so sorry for your loss Stephanie. Michael was an amazing person from what you shared with us, we could tell how much you loved (and still love) him and he loved you

[@kirstycat]

I’m not sure what to say, I’m send light and love. Rest in peace Michael

[@karencheunglala2921]

There are no words to describe the pain you feel during this grieving period. Please continue to share, continue to talk, continue to express your feelings. It is in doing so, that you will find strength. Lean on your community, we're here for you. Take all the time you need in healing. Grief is the proof that love is still there ❤

[@laboucher]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you have gone through and are still going through. To fall deeply in love with someone and to lose them is a tragedy. But there is also a lot of grace and strength that this experience offers. May peace be with you.

[@shindya]

I cannot even imagine how strong you have to be to make a video like this. Thank you and we are all here for you

[@abc123leslye]

I'm so sorry Stephanie. Sending you so much love and healing.

[@Cassieofrassy]

This is heartbreaking. I’m so incredibly sorry. So much love to you ❤

[@autismandpodcast]

Sending you so much love, and I wish I could give you a huge hug ❤️xxxx

[@DanniAllyssa]

I am so sorry for your loss and I'm sending healing energy and vibe your way.

[@ToriUptown]

wow. he has my gma’s birthday. May 5th. I miss her everyday. I just know he was a lovely man. Sending prayer your way.

[@michelletran4933]

Thank you for sharing with us your feelings, be strong, you will get through this ❤ just be gentle on yourself and everything will be better

[@matcha.always]

all the love to you stephanie, and to micheal's family 💜

[@urFairyGothMotherYT]

I’m so sorry Stephanie. Sending you so much love

[@brunelasalvador2856]

Im so sorry for your loss. Grief is not linear. Let your emotions come to surface, navigate through them. Do whatever feels right for you. I lost my mom in 2019. She had breast cancer. Time is an essential part of learning how to live again. Take your time to heal 🤍

[@mountainofgeese]

Thank you so much for being so strong and sharing your experiences.

[@GirlWithHeadphones18]

sending you so, so much love steph. thank you for sharing his memory with us, michael sounds like such a wonderful person

[@walkintruth01]

Yahuah bless you sis. May He give you strength on your toughest days. May His love wrap you like a warm blanket giving you peace and hope. Fill your days with Truth.

[@DogGoneDayz]

My condolences and my heart goes to you Stephanie, I am so sorry for your tragic loss

[@laurenarianaaa]

If it helps you feel better about vlogging, I think it would be super helpful for people also grieving to be able to watch someone who's going through a similar loss. You don't have to be bright and chipper all the time for people to want to watch your videos. We're here for you and it's ok to not be ok. No pressure on making videos though, take all the time you need to heal and grieve. Thank you for being vulnerable and remember that you are so loved

[@yakimotosan]

Thank you so much...

[@xThinkinqofYou]

My sincere condolences! Thank you for your sharing your vulnerability with us. 💗

[@jl-Sp]

Sending you so much love!! So sorry for your loss.. Hope you do take good care of yourself in these hard times..

[@Kedda21]

Everything you are feeling is part of it. I completely understand I lost by bf in 2019. It is the worse ever. Every now and then he will come visit me in my dreams. That really hurt but also helped me. I lost like 20-30 lbs I constantly worked just to try and focus my mind elsewhere. Believe when I say he is around you. He will never leave your side. Love you.

[@Bitty603]

Thank you for being vulnerable. So many of your followers are in the depths of addiction or love someone who is and seeing you be honest about your heartbreak is helping every one of us in some small way. ❤