Forgiving Yourself After Psychosis (Lived Experience w/ Victoria Maxwell)

[@theBipolarVegan]

It's taken me years to get over my shame, not in full psychosis, but just in my hypomania, but we can't change our pasts. Massive hugs to those who are struggling. Namaste 😸✌️❤️

[@leanneclark2813]

Namaste, onwards and upwards

[@tomtroy3792]

Thank you I needed that hug

[@mialarsson4972]

I don’t think most people understand what a true hell a psychosis is. It’s an absolute nightmare that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. First of all, your brain cuts you off from reality. People can’t reach you cause you’re so locked inside yourself you don’t hear or see them like a normal person. It’s hallucinations stirred with delusions, stirred with paranoia, stirred with reality, stirred with imagination, stirred with sleep nightmares - all cooked together into the vilest kind of cocktail you ever had. Only you can’t tell what is what so everything becomes your reality with no beginning and no end. Like a thousand-headed beast attacking you and every time it bites you, the next chapter of horror starts. And that’s just the beginning of the torture. After the doctors and nurses bring you back from the psychosis with the help of a mountain of anti-psychotic medication you often return to the manic stage first, then hypomanic and then when you’re returning back to your real old self it often tips over on the other end and you get really REALLY depressed. During this lovely period you’re filled with intense sadness over what happened, fear that it’ll happen again, fear because there’s memory loss, fear because you don’t know if you really did something or if it was just in your head, anger because you have this disease, intense shame over stuff you apparently said and did while sick. Coming out of it, I went from staring into the wall to crying and wailing like a dog being beaten, to covering my face and singing out loud to try and sooth myself. I couldn’t sleep without waking every other hour. I didn’t get suicidal, thank God but I succumbed to such severe anxiety that it had me down in a corner, wide-eyed and rocking back and forth because my brain was so absolutely fried from the trauma that I wonder if I’d ever feel anything happy again, and how can someone even be alive after going through something like that? The day I got discharged I was filled with mega-relief to finally be out, only to long back to the hospital again soon after cause I didn’t feel safe being on my own. I was a walking pharmacy and still felt like the medicines didn’t work nearly as well as I needed them to. I didn’t really trust my own brain anymore. My moods were a roller coaster of bad feelings that scared me and if I experienced anything happy I got scared of that as well, thinking I was on the road to getting sick again. In the days and weeks and months to come it’s like you’re drowning but not allowed to drown. You only just manages to keep your head above water, day in and day out. I felt like my whole life had been stolen from me. I couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t concentrate, the smallest task exhausted me, I couldn’t read a book or watch a movie, there was no joy. I walked from room to room too anguished to remain in one place, I lied down on my back on the floor crying my eyes out over the life I once had and prayed to any God that might be listening for help, promising to never take my life for granted ever again. I took mindless bus rides cause I couldn’t stand being on my own and I longes for home when I was outside. I called my loved ones 20 times a day and when I was with them I hungered to be alone, I stayed with friends and became like their stressed pet, so shell-shocked I just sat on the floor with my head braced between my hands while they patted me soothingly on the back. But you go through it. Minute by minute day by day, clinging to the hope that what your family and therapist say are true: That it will get better. You just have to accept that it’s bad right now and it will continue to be bad for a long time. You can’t force anything. All you can really do is take your medicine, make sure to sleep and patiently wait for time to pass. That’s really the only way to heal at this critical “Just home from the war” point in life. Not by finding love or get a new purpose, get your old job back, work out, make amends, try and analyze why it happened or indulge in a hobby. It’s just waiting. Waiting for one day to turn into another and another until your mind and soul has had a time to heal. It’s no different than recovering from having major surgery. Bipolar disorder isn’t some quirky personality trait that stains everything we are. It’s like cancer. Something that’s not a part of the body grows in you and you get chemo to get rid of it. And the cancer might return later in life and then it’s back to the hospital for more chemo until you’re well again. Bipolarity doesn't make us who we are. It keeps us from being who we are. It’s not this creative mad genius type of super power to be romanticized but a merciless, stigmatized life-wrecker when untreated and unmedicated. That’s why most of us take our medicine, because we know the price to pay if we don’t. And in between episodes we’re just like anyone else. We have jobs, homes, kids, hobbies, responsibilities, worries and fears, ambition, healthy relationships and we want what most people want. We’re not weirder, more prone to violence, moodier, more unpredictable, or lack an inner censor than other people. Most people would probably not even be able to know if a person is bipolar, unless they choose to tell them. :)

[@Miriam-ui5pw]

Thank you for writing this.

[@thrice3x99]

You are helpful in more ways than you know

[@thrice3x99]

The mother of my child is in a Mexican shelter (heaven for people like this nevertheless) and I am researching this to find out how I can help. Through a lessons come blessings. To know how to love the Mother of my child better is something I can hold on. Her family in Virginia USA are tired of her and these episodes but i will not quit on her because people who do that are worse than scum. Alot of this stems from our raising and trauma and none family environments. I thank you for expanding on this more. When I see her I will hug the child in her sol.

[@mialarsson4972]

Glad I could help in some way. I hope it’ll work out for you all!

[@Miriam-ui5pw]

@Mia Larsson Mia, how did things work out for you to get out of psychosis? Did you do anything in particular to free yourself?

[@lambd01d]

You're not the same person once you've been through a psychotic episode. It's a very difficult thing to get over. I've had numerous psychotic episodes, but haven't had any for nearly 9 years, but the shame lingers on. I have CPTSD(not just from the bipolar) and occasional flashbacks to some of the things I did when psychotic. It's had such a devastating effect on my life. After my first one, I wasn't functional at all for 9 months- was sleeping for up to 18 hours a day and felt suicidal.

[@love35388]

I resonate with this! Do you take any meds? That has helped you have no episodes for the past 9 years ? Because that’s impressive

[@Koykoy88]

Any meds that helped through out the 9 years?

[@josephisraelyehudah3401]

My psychosis involved delusions of grandeur mixed with Jerusalem syndrome. The intense shame that goes along with the memories is a sort of ptsd but thankfully overtime the intensity of the emotions fade even if the memories don't.

[@stickergitters4459]

Wow I needed this. I went into psychosis and ended up verbally abusing who I thought was dear to me through text. It was officially my third psychotic break, and then I had a fourth one just over the shame and guilt. I’m going to a mental health rehab and maybe live in a special home. I didn’t know I was capable of such horror

[@Vi-jp3db]

I had something similar, my psychosis was not over extreme behavior (danger, sex etc.) but of harming people I loved though text and emails. It was so strange and I still can’t forgive myself . I’d be curious to your experience

[@Vi-jp3db]

When I got into the third stage of bipolar 1 and full psychosis, then i became physically afraid and active, but never to hurt someone in real life. It was strange that I lost my “executive functioning” in online format

[@stickergitters4459]

@ I’m actually 100x better now haha just bought a house

[@markusmeyer6391]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I wish you spoke more of it. I suffered from psychosis a year ago, and as difficult as it was, the time leading to psychosis, as the psychosis itself, in my experience, the time following the psychosis is the most difficult. You are faced with all the consequences of your actions, the losses and the destruction that happened while in psychosis. I did things I would never ever do in my right mind. And I've been beating myself up for it for a year now. I always think, if only I had done this or that. But when I was in psychosis, I trully believed that I was on the right path. So my perception of right and wrong was altered. Unfortunately, the people who knew I was going through psychosis, did not deal with me well, they kinda mislead me to think that what I believed was in fact true, and that made me act on my delusions. Which of course now I regret deeply. I lost my self respect, self trust, my perception of my thoughts and emotions is now completely different, it's devoid of trust. I became socially isolated, and withdrawn, I have memory issues, and I compeltely lost my faith in God. I also, became unable to concentrate or get any work done. It's a tragedy. Because the consequences do not have mercy on your state of mind, and neither do others. Wether they know you are in psychosis or not, they don't want to deal with you at all.

[@silverfoxchain]

I swear I could have written this 😢 I am sorry you went through this.

[@leanneclark2813]

I did so many things during psychosis, howling at the moon, convinced i was the "wolf mother", believing i could walk on water and communicate with animals, 3 years on it is still hard to believe my brain did that

[@janezlopesz7785]

Have you had another episode since?

[@leanneclark2813]

@janezlopesz7785 No, I haven't thankfully

[@janezlopesz7785]

@@leanneclark2813 that’s awesome!!! , what do you mean by three years on it?

[@janezlopesz7785]

@@leanneclark2813 three years on medication ?

[@icemarius]

​@@janezlopesz7785 Probably she ment that the episode happened 3 years ago

[@gabbyisprincesa]

watching this video and viewing the comments have really helped me not feel alone

[@lada135_]

I always feel ashamed after going through a psychosis episode. I do forgive myself though and if I hurt someone I try to apologize to them. It’s important to go into therapy and discuss these things. It’s helped me a lot to reflect and identify when I’m going through a manic episode.

[@BipolarPerson]

I ended up in IOP and that was the first time someone told me "you were in psychosis it was not your fault." It was so weight lifting years of blaming myself. Still have PTSD. I understand the apologies part a million percent!

[@kt1696]

No shame in acting out of character when you're mentally and emotionally unwell. Gob bless you all. 🙏😇💐

[@leanneclark2813]

God bless you

[@layotheleprechaun]

People who don’t accept your apology are probably better staying out of your life. It is not your fault but it is your responsibility 🙏🏻

[@maltbiscuit9995]

You really find out who your real friends. It's hard to accept, but there is a silver lining. Some friendships were never meant to last.

[@normanleach5427]

Two smart comments...

[@саша-д6й9ь]

For me, psychosis was how I realized there was bipolar and mania. Once it became total hell and almost landed me in prison, it was time to wake up.

[@user-np1yv2zn9h]

Thank you for sharing your story and shedding light on mental health There is a lot involved when one is going through this Exactly like you said shame a lot that is why i am so grateful that you are sharing this

[@sapphire19885]

I had been with my husband for 15 years when I had my first and only manic/ psychotic episode. Even after I had been stable and on meds a year after i got out of the hospital, he still said he couldn't forgive me for what I put him through. He divorced me. Psychosis ruined my life. I'm never going to be the same.

[@leam1425]

That sounds really hard. I lost a partner also who couldn't forgive me but he wasn't a very good one I guess and we were not together that long. Wish you a full recovery and better understanding people in your life.

[@aijazsiddique8713]

That is so very sad. I hope you are keeping up. Wish you loads of luck.

[@pilarlago5162]

Thank you for your vulnerability!! You are brave. Thank you!

[@lillianglendza3493]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. My daughter 19 years old suffered three weeks ago with this symptom. It was something completely new for to deal it . Just praying she come back to normality as soon as possible Prayers for all of you 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@CRESTBD]

Thank you and take care Lillian! It is never easy but it’s important that she has you as a supporter 💪💪

[@bigjonisback]

What a lovely clip. So genuine. Thank you

[@CRESTBD]

❤️

[@Cyclohexanone]

I relate. I had so many job offers coming out of school, but I rejected them all to stay home. I also disaffiliated from an organization that I really enjoyed, because of the thoughts I was hearing. On top of that, I said some weird things to a person I really wanted to rekindled a relationship with. So much shame and regret. Part of me feels that i wish the people around me would’ve just stopped me. I also lost my faith completely, I used to be so on fire for the Lord. but for some odd reason I’m trying to convince myself that everything happens for a reason. Things will get better. Therapy and letting things be

[@repton007]

I can relate to your relating. Its very painful feeling god so obviously then suddenly having no sense of him in your life. "everything happens for a reason" is also hard to accept when you are doing things that are opposite to what you want. truly it could be as simple as the devil scheming and creating thoughts that are tailored to make you feel as though you can't have what you want. though that shouldn't mean you fear the devil. he is only trying to make you despair. he has no power to take away your salvation because you clearly remember god and would want to show him love if you could. everyone falls from god but you will have brought your divine understanding into the depths of the darkened, cursed and material world, then back to him which is the grand work. I don't have much help for you because I'm still figuring out the best path out of this mess but I personally find comfort in praying the rosary even though I know I've fallen from the lord and don't consciously trust in him. it may not seem like much but attention is the currency of creation so intentionally focusing on god is significant and sufficient. and don't judge yourself because that's His job✝✝✝

[@JJ-yh4nd]

You are SO brave! Thank you!

[@silverfoxchain]

I became broken after a car accident with intense nerve pain and stress would flare up my pain and my psychosis started after those episodes and when I became a victim to an abuser with schizophrenia my life got from worse to me thinking I was in literal hell because it felt like so and I kept having NDEs. I was like a broken doll. 😢

[@AnnaOConnor-oi2up]

thank you for this, made me feel less guilt and shame, thank you for your healing words x

[@MarkAntony01]

Psychosis... after experiencing 3 psychosis, and may be a 4th (it might just have been a manic episode) my experience gave me an understanding that psychosis is everything you have learnt since birth suddenly turning all into an expressionist equation (memory overload). This equation is something which we experience through mind, body, and soul. The psychosis not only destroys the bullshit it also heightens the inner and outer senses. Your muscles are sensors. I have never felt shame for going through psychosis. 3 times-no hospital. 4th time I went to a psychiatric unit and took my time and used the place for my own playground for wellness. In the end I took the meds for around 2 weeks then got off it. The meds were turning me into a robot with no individual flare.

[@thejoysetmind]

Well spoken Victoria, you are so so brave👏

[@CRESTBD]

Thank you 🧡

[@gabyalexander5862]

Thank you for this - I hope you are mending x

[@queenoftemplar]

Thank you ❤

[@cht2162]

Thank you 💙

[@esimon7131]

Thank you

[@pilarlago5162]

Shame....and lost so many people. No forgiveness. It's still very painful. Now...just don't want to be around

[@pedrocodallos4373]

Feel this I only really feel ok around people I just meet or like new place where I don’t think anyone knows me I have no forgiveness kinda sucks lol

[@pilarlago5162]

@Pedro Codallos know you are not alone. The painful truth from my brief psychosis is.... the people who refuse to hear me out and not remembering my true self is.....they never really loved me. Very painful. May the people that are coming into your life now show unconditional ❤️ love. You deserve that and no less!!! Know there is nothing for you to forgive yourself for. Your brain just tripped for whatever reason. That was your brain. Not the essence of who you are!Just begin the healing process. And never again forget who are what you are. A beautiful and gifted human being!!!! 💜- Pilar

[@sarahbollmann8771]

First statement, which exactly expresses how it feels After a psYchosis. Ist embarassing anyway, Even without the Reactions of other people.

[@TheMabes69]

STAY ON YOUR MEDS PEOPLE!!!! You're welcome.

[@esmeraldasilver8763]

Hi can you share what was your diagnosis and if you are on medications can you share what is keeping stable

[@Saturntabbytype2]

I burnt my clothes out of liberty and the reality that I was never coming back to who I was

[@MatarikiMindfulness]

what about the family of the person in psychosis?

[@esmeraldasilver8763]

Hi can you share what medications are you taking that are keeping you stable, what is your diagnosis .

[@victoriamax]

Sorry I just saw this question - I have rapid cycling mixed state bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features (quite a mouthful isn't). I am taking medications - an anti-depressant and mood stabilizer. But I don't like to share which ones since everybody is different and everybody's condition needs different things.

[@dalilaamelio4174]

❤❤❤

[@lauradyal1347]

♥️

[@connorleemerrion1195]

❤

[@MichiSpeaks]

I don't buy she ran down the street naked, but yes self compassion is important. The condition is scary. If anyone tries to make it trendy they're a liar.

[@coconut3656]

? You don't buy "believe "... She ran down the street naked?

[@salmavian6612]

I believe her ❤️

[@coconut3656]

@salmavian6612 I absolutely believe her, too. Unless you have seen someone experience psychosis or have it yourself ... The horror of it will make someone believe to set themselves on fire.

[@Brody.W]

Jesus Christ of Nazareth..

[@johnwadsworth7086]

I was in psychosis from late 2019 to September of 2022 when I woke up at home with no memory of most of it.I don't remember COVID or much of anything.

[@aijazsiddique8713]

Lord. Sorry to know that. How are you doing now? Hope it’s better.

[@salmavian6612]

Same here ...love and solidarity ❤️❤️❤️