Friday Night Fights with John Hodgman

[@YJ4]

John Hodgman should just do this segment every week. or at least something. He is incredibly good and they have good chemistry.

[@ChemGuy1611]

I love these segments so much. Best part of my Saturday morning :)

[@asianbacon3145]

"Jeb is making a comeback" *drops out same day*

[@mindoverbread1213]

I go with Tooth Fairy Walmart Employee lol

[@MynameisBrianZX]

+Fruitveganful Martenson Nah, that walmart employee would lose in a fight even with no opponent. Look at the way he's holding that crossbow; his fingers are directly in the path of the string. One shot, and he's looking for his fingers and dying from blood loss.

[@mindoverbread1213]

+MynameisBrianZX but his killer instant from being a war veteran would kick in, I think 😂

[@anlaaranilde]

+MynameisBrianZX he's seen some shit man the most the apple employee has seen is wiping on onyxia

[@martinaee]

The Hodge-Meister is looking pretty good! Good to see him.

[@FANKANable]

I HAVE HODGEMANIA

[@brittanyburian1460]

I'd really, really love it if we could bring this nutty segment back. Or anything with Stephen v John!

[@juquinea]

John Hodgman is perfect for this ❤️

[@MichelleHauser]

What a great intellectual match-up. Two brilliant comedians at their best.

[@Cyberdemon11120]

Ironically, I can see "Disgruntled Wall Mart greater using a crossbow to kill an Apple Store Genius armed with a switch blade" as an actually headline in a newspaper.

[@starr0401]

Judge John Hodgman is a great fit, but you really need to get Steve Carell back for this.

[@this_mind_of_mine]

+Lester Lee Stephen vs Steven.

[@starr0401]

Still, happy to see Mr. Hodgman maintaining his on-screen talent status. Big fan of his works.

[@gdanendrah]

+thismindofmine Even Stephen lol

[@starr0401]

+Dark Light Um, no one is actually wishing for that much of Steve here, but I get where you're coming from.

[@jaredweeks7099]

+Lester Lee I like those suggestions. I hope one week they could have John Oliver, Larry Wilmore, or Jon Stewart.

[@Buenomars]

Have you seen the Tooth Fairy's husband, Jorgen Von Strangle?

[@carter6074]

You're awesome

[@samprudence5785]

You guys seriously need to start making animations of these match-ups screw "Batman v.s Superman", I wanna see "an Apple Genius w/ a switchblade V.S. Walmart greeter w/ a crossbow"

[@frank5520]

+POCKET SAND +1

[@ZhangtheGreat]

+POCKET SAND Crossbows always win. Always.

[@m1k3y48]

"Coming this summer to a theatre near you..."

[@samprudence5785]

"coming this theatre to a summer near you..."

[@joe-bro_11]

Gotta be honest, I was all for Big-Foot until I heard the clone argument. That's convincing.

[@okrajoe]

This is now the kind of intro Hodgman should always get.

[@AsSheLikesIt]

I'm with John on both counts! Well played, Sir.

[@khas88888]

Hodgman made some really good points. Bigfoot doesn't really attack ppl, he's always running - so I'm just gonna treat the toothfairy as antman or wasp. And yeah, Walmart greeter will kill Apple Genius in death match.

[@libbybollinger5901]

C'mon, range weapon beats melee weapon every time folks

[@m1k3y48]

Never bring a knife to a crossbow fight!

[@reneelucero2923]

true.

[@CatFighterForce9]

his weakness include weakness LOL

[@pad9x]

this is great ! i felt like i was watching an old daily show episode 😅

[@Madvillainy91]

I miss the Apple ads with John Hodgeman, those were great.

[@ahrress9346]

LOVE HODGMAN!!!

[@G0DofRock]

Do you have any idea how much rage Wal-Mart employees have? Given the chance to kill anything with a cross-bow, one shot is all they need, it is all they think about they won't miss. lol

[@cloudmapper9501]

"...polls are open." Stephen is a comedic God.

[@eugenebotsman]

+Nikola Maticki pretty damn good.

[@NS1973]

Apple Geek vs. Wal-Mart Greeter? Gotta go with the Wal-Mart greeter. I used to be in the Army. Over the years, I saw many a Command Sergeant Major retire and a good majority of them said that they just want to become Wal-Mart greeters. Have you ever met a Command Sergeant Major? These guys love to eat the souls of unsuspecting Privates and Specialists for lunch, sometimes for a post-PT snack. Seriously. The death-knell of pretty much any junior Soldier in the Army is when a CSM says, "Son, you're about to make me have flashbacks." At that point, a guy had just better hope his last will and testament is in good order. They are vicious, unscrupulous, terrifying killing machines whose only REAL weakness is coffee (if music soothes the savage beast, coffee can quell the fury of a pissed-off CSM). And these guys, I'd say a good 80% of them, want to become Wal-Mart greeters- "Welcome to Wal-Mart. If I catch you stealing, I will rip off both arms and beat you to death with them. Same thing goes for your snotty little brats, lady. Have a nice day. Here's your cart." I'm sorry, but no. The chances of a former CSM being the Wal-Mart greeter in that fight are just too damn good. The Apple hipster wannabe would pass out from a Wal-Mart CSM's steely, withering gaze and then die a slow, painful, horrible, The Walking Dead-esque grisly death.

[@kuryamtl]

+NS1973 *golf clap*

[@phannypack3951]

step dad was a green beret he could get really pissed and i remember his eyes would get so fucking bulged out of his head. one side of his face would start twitching n shit.

[@NS1973]

+nate ivey Pretty sure he was having a stroke. Might wanna get that checked out.

[@hobbbz8192]

Can we please have Bill Burr on this?

[@enoughalready45]

Agree, Bill Burr would be good

[@Lexilulz]

+kidmania01 yes please, that would be straight up brutal.

[@youtubecommentscritic6058]

+kidmania01 The reason it hasn't happened yet is because Colbert and Stephen are the same wherein they both run the show. Why have two funnymen fighting over laughs? Bill Burr is more suited for shows like Conan or Fallon whom are more dependent on their guests to make or break the show, where as Stephen could have old out-of-touch and unrelatable politicians (as he often does) as guests and the show would still work because the jokes come from him.

[@meatwad515]

+kidmania01 I thought he signed an exclusivity contract with Conan.

[@sammiwhite9575]

I got excited and thought he was gonna say Jon Stewart

[@doiknowmyenemy]

Same

[@drshriyasridhar]

omg same!😧

[@Kiyosuki]

+Sammi White It'll happen one day I know it.

[@shanerothery]

"Weaknesses include weakness."

[@diesrabb]

he made the greeter a Korean war vet. that Apple store kid is toast

[@revk8611]

This is comic genius

[@joshuahartman3132]

My money's on the tooth fairy and the Wal-Mart greeter.

[@jutco]

"Huge Jack Link" LMAO

[@oggyreidmore]

Before the zombie apocalypse, Darrell Dixon was a Walmart greeter.

[@NewMessage]

No William Tell reference? What the megatard fuck? Apple.. arrow...? **facepalms himself, but it's not enough, and facepalms the guy standing next to him too**

[@goggletoggle1294]

Walmart greeter with a crossbow obviously. He doesn't even care about no computer, he's take that Apple guy down from 200 feet.

[@madalion1]

I voted for 1-Bigfoot 2-Walmart Greeter

[@ninaminette4182]

All I hear is Coraline’s dad 😭

[@Onodera1980]

Hard to step on an imaginary flying nymph

[@CantStayAway]

As soon as he mentioned that he was in the Apple commercials, I recognized him. :P HE'S A PC!!!!!!!!!!

[@saaytin]

I just realized these sections are basically them playing Superfight.

[@Kiyosuki]

Tooth Fairy's got this man. He may have to put up a front, but I'm sure Stephen actually knows being a supposedly avid fantasy buff that fairies in ancient lore are actually super strong, horrendously twisted little murdering sociopaths whose malicious streaks are matched only by the extent of their self indulgance. They may look cute and tiny but don't be fooled, they're capable of horrors that match any eldrich nightmare you can try to imagine...all set to their tiny little laughs. Big Foot may have size and mortal strength, but the fairy has magic and a potentially limitless capacity for cruelty and remorseless mischief evocative of an unlimited lifespan. And the DNA of every child whose ever lived ready to do her bidding. Our mortal lives are brittle, funny entertainment to these little immortal monsters of magic and even if assuming the Tooth Fairy is one of the few, generally benevolent ones...I'm sure pressed to do so she can channel that. As for the second one, it's kind of a tough call. It's tempting to say Walmart off the bat, but remember a lot of Apples' target audience are technologically out of touch but think they're not, and the average Apple store employee has to somehow deal with that every day, so the anger and frustration must be incredible. That said though, Apple employees do at least enjoy somewhat better benefits than Walmart employees though which could subside that, and at the end of the day some Walmarts sell actual weapons too so I think they still edge it out. And since the average Walmart also has shit technology at its disposal the Genius' tech savvy serves no purpose, and Apple Stores are smaller and minimalistic (less cover) which again gives advantage to ranged weapons so the Walmart employee seems to have an advantage on all fronts. The hole in Stephen's rationality is assuming the Walmart employee will crumple in tears rather than use the weapon in his or her hand to vent their sadness and anger.

[@AnthonyRodriguez-xi7sf]

I'm cheering for Bigfoot solely for the fact that he has great beef jerky commercials.

[@TheComfyGeek]

this is a new favourite of mine. love this segment. btw - Bigfoot and Walmart Greeter het my votes!!

[@Slaphappy1975]

Best Fight yet!

[@bakon321]

this was the best Friday night fight so far!

[@AbnormalWrench]

"And the crossbow has a quick-detach quiver" Uh yah....all functioning crossbows have those. They call it the trigger.

[@arbknight12]

Bigfoot is like the Hulk: he prefers to be alone, but he will tear you apart if you piss him off. The Wal-Mart greeter is a Vietnam-vet, which means he's seen actual combat, the nerd in the blue shirt doesn't stand a chance.

[@azulrevolver]

I actually want Apple Genius Vs Walmart Greeter movie now, make it like a Freddie Vs. Jason kinda thing lol.

[@marcbeaudry989]

that Hodgman burn! :o

[@Ranblv]

Hodgman is perfect for these nonsensical debates. he should be a regular.

[@CTRTree3]

This is pointless if fans are just going to vote for whatever one Stephen picks.

[@HerrCron]

+CTRTree3 Oh no! People aren't taking these hypothetical matchups seriously! What do they think this is, fun?

[@OghamTheBold]

Top notch - flights of fancy

[@ChongTeeLim]

really innovative way of product placement ;)

[@SiN88m]

About the toothfairy I would go with the Simpsons explaination. In every spraycan there is a child tooth. A giod spraycan costs at least 5.99$. Leavin 1$ makes a win of 4.99 for each tooth. The toothfairy is a company ceo and would simply hire some hitmen to take bigfood down.

[@noahhiggins9927]

I feel like Stephen is going to win every one of these fights.

[@ibanez15gsp10]

walmart greeter would lose because he HAS to greet him when apple guy walks into store

[@MetalGuitarGuy]

Holy crap that's hilarious.

[@9amnDallas]

Finally Colbert has met his match

Walmart greeter has to get at least 90%

[@spadecodezor]

No question. The Walmart greeter has seen some shit.

[@octoberinflames]

10:20 As a Walmart employee, I'm gonna have to agree with John on this one.

[@ferrisaggron160]

I still can't accept that Beethoven would beat Mozart. I mean c'mon, he has a laser!

[@kingcole55]

Space Baby (2001) vs Space Worm (Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back) That's a fight I demand to see.

[@kanua5]

MY BROTHER, MY BROTHER AND ME! Google it!

[@yam83]

If the Apple dude uses his lanyard to strangle the Korea vet, why the switchblade?

[@joshuakrasinski4803]

oh great now i have that image of the apple employee's death

[@AdrianCarlisle]

Walmart greeter will beat a squatch, apple, and fairy because if you work at a walmart you got nothing left to lose ;)~

[@vitsavicky]

Hello PC.

[@bloggs24]

From the thumbnail I thought this guy was Thunderf00t

[@petersenior5432]

The arguments for the previous week were so overpowering that I'm pretty sure that Steven should have had 0%.

[@AnthonyRodriguez-xi7sf]

Concerning the Techy vs. Walmart Greeter: Despite the Apple guy being younger, he doesn't have the experience of Vietnam under his belt. Also, through Arbitrary selection, I'm assuming the Walmart Greeter is from Florida and guessing he had murderous intent from the get-go. Although, the crossbow he's using is from Walmart, since that's where he got the discount for it, would just brake after one shot. But assuming he's from Florida, he probably has a gator lying around somewhere. Go team Minimum Wage!

[@Onodera1980]

The knife is more effective than the crossbow. If the shot hits, which is a big if, there's a good chance it's not fatal. Reloading a crossbow is not that quick. The knife can close the distance by then, making the crossbow nearly useless.

[@savedfaves]

Only in America does the TV suck your brain away from across the room.

[@thebacons5943]

LAST WEEK WAS GREAT, THIS WEEK NOT SO MUCH

[@piratecheese13]

unless the blade is an iKnife then the genius is dead they actually sell crossbows at Walmarts

[@waremblem3405]

Wikipedia profile of J.H.: "His writings have been published in... The New York Times Magazine, for which he is editor of the humor section." ----- Considering that NYT readers as a rule have zero sense of humor, that's the most amusing thing I've read all month, and that includes Snooze, the 1986 parady issue of The New Yorker magazine!

[@Volosous]

well the tooth fairy IS also a pro wrestler

[@swedsteve93]

Went to go listen to CSNY after this ha

[@SIMKINETICS]

William Tell's showing his age.

[@thecodgamer57]

Do Friday night fights with Bryan Cranston

[@eriknydam1843]

product obsolescence, its when something is purposely made to break easily so you're forced to bring it to the Apple store because you can't take it apart without a special tool....

[@AlexandarHullRichter]

I think there's more than one platform for pointless conflict. Does someone want to disagree?

[@yomolwaspran1527]

Is it bad that my shoe size is only 10 under Bigfoot? I feel like that's bad. (Why have I been cursed with size 18 feet!?)

[@enoughalready45]

More John Hodgeman, that guy is smartfunny

[@MrHeems]

The tooth fairy would fly over sasquatch, loop down behind his head, swing her toothy shillelagh and scratch bigfoot. The she can fly away and leave bigfoot to die from the horrible infection that will develop due to all the horrible bacteria on the kiddie teeth in her shillelagh.

[@phannypack3951]

lmao

[@addoln]

Tooth fairy would fly too fast for Bigfoot, frustrating and tricking him.

[@dino130395]

Hi PC.

[@vedwalker3974]

Bigfoot and Walmart employee. Bigfoot might be a pacifist, but you don't need to abhor violence to squash a bug, and I've seen some of those Apple store employees-the Force is with them, the ability...ehhh.

[@mariokarter13]

I wonder how many more weeks they'll be able to keep this going. Disagreement IS harassment on Twitter now dontchaknow.

[@nyambe]

Who won?

[@ajhampton3722]

The tooth fairy IS still a fairy, those guys are mean bastards. She's tiny and she'd zip around him and piss him off and probably just wear him out

[@ajhampton3722]

I feel like these people are voting for whoever Stephen backs

[@goggletoggle1294]

Unfortunately the tooth fairy would win.

[@ethanott8537]

people always just favor colbert

[@timdiggerm]

+ethan ott check the tweets - they really aren't

[@happy543210]

i'm a pc!!!

[@Ryuksgelus]

Stephen should go up against pretend Stephen.

[@erik8467]

I hate apple so yeah, Walmart yay

[@geraldkohl3417]

Ah come on Stephen you are losing your edge

[@leprechaunluck24]

When john came out I swear I heard some lady losing her mind. Seriously? Over the hodge? I mean he is badass but... She sounded likle a 13 year old at a one direction concert.