Sex ed in the Hasidic community | A Hasidic groom receives the birds and the bees talk

[@ashextraordinaire]

"You'll be crazy nice to her, then she'll be crazy nice to you, and everything will work out." Life should be so simple! I love it. Thanks for sharing this transcript, Frieda. It really is special.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

💕

[@gertrudeandduck]

That was the part where I was like “this is obviously so different from what I grew up with, but it’s also really sweet.” You can really see how those homosocial relationships really thrive in this very sex segregated environment.

[@kathya8760]

All grooms, regardless of their religious beliefs should have such a beautiful lesson. How to show caring, love and pride is so often overlooked. I found this very moving. Thanks for saving it Frieda.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

yes i was thinking the same for my son. lovely lessons in treating a woman with care for her feelings and wellbeing.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

I think the repeated reminders to compliment your wife's outfit, remember that a lot of time and effort went into it, try to take good care to protect it (such as helping keep the dress off the ground), and notice and remark when she changes outfits is very sweet and great advice for anyone to try to follow throughout the whole marriage! Noticing and being grateful for the effort our partners put in for us is a lovely part of maintaining lifelong love. Thank you for sharing 🙂

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

yes lots here to learn, I’d hope to teach those lovely things to my son about being good to a woman and the in laws!

[@beans4853]

​@FriedaVizelBrooklyn I have 3 little boys and 1 girl. I'm already teaching them how to treat their future wife by practicing on their sister. And she gets used to being treated well by males which is great, too!

[@kathleens.laroche754]

@@beans4853That's wonderful!

[@Dev_KG]

@@beans4853 I have a friend who always taught her son (only son with multiple sisters) that he was a HIT - Husband in Training!

[@HelloYiddy]

@@beans4853good plan!

[@latinagringa]

I found the way the Groom Teacher explained the whole process particularly moving, you can tell he himself has a very happy life with his wife and is not only teaching the groom about the intimacies of married life but above all to RESPECT his wife. Very touching indeed ❤

[@leenam.4578]

PS: Your current hairstyle is the perfect shape and length for your face.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

thank you so much!

[@joannamugliston9853]

True! Frieda looks so nice.

[@wendi2819]

​@@FriedaVizelBrooklynIt is just striking on you ❤

[@wendi2819]

Picturing how precious and sacred it is in the Orthodox community brings tears to my eyes! The very fast, immoral secular world could learn alot from historic sacred rituals from this community. ✡️🕎

[@CH-bb3zh]

With a sheitel you could look the same always…. Almost….😜

[@nathanrosen]

Frieda, you have a way of presenting all topics, even the most delicate ones, with style, grace, class, and dignity. I always learn something from your lectures. Thank you!

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

I appreciate your kind words

[@cestmarrant1]

Hi Frieda - I'm so happy you put out a video today. I needed to hear a soothing, caring voice - and there you were! Thanks you for your videos!

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

aww I am so moved that people like my voice, I’ve always wanted to be a storyteller!

[@DorisTheChicken3013]

Wow! Thank you for sharing that! The manner in which you read/narrated the words…made me feel like I was right there with them!!

[@R.S.s.-ty7mm]

Hey Freida! Thank you for always approaching topics like these with an open mind, and a non-driven, non biased point of view. Although you speak of personal experience, I appreciate how you present it in a way that does not sum it up to black or white. That must be work on your end! It would be worth mentioning that the bride and groom teachers of today's generation, even within the Satmar sect, are advancing and becoming much better. Many people who I've spoken to agree that today's mentors (for bride and groom) are more proffessional and openminded, and young couples are given a lot more information to help the development of their relationship.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

this is what I hear as well

[@loriloristuff]

This is so sweet and precious!!!! It takes the groom by the hand and basically teaches him not to be a cretin. Does it deal with much of the sexual process? No. But it concentrates on behaving as a caring man. That's worth a lot.

[@pmarcum7146]

If a man is taught to not be a cretin in one setting by words from a Rabbi ... I suspect the man was not a cretin to begin with. Honestly, I found the instruction absurd ... two people who are so in love that they have decided to marry, are the only ones in the whole world who know what to say to each other and how to treat each other in a way that the other would feel most appreciated. This scripted conversation is just plain odd, and carries an underlying assumption that the woman will be easily flattered with scripted praise and too gullible to realize she is hearing a scripted line.

[@Ashmo613]

@@pmarcum7146 At this point in an Orthodox setting, they have met, their goals align, they like each other, and they are attracted to one another. Orthodox Jews don't date like in the Western world. They haven't formed a full relationship yet. They were introduced to one another based on background information, their personalities, interests, and known goals. They have met in public settings for a few dates to see if things seemed to click between them. They will fall in love only after living with one another and treating each other with this type of respect while setting up a life together. The point where most Orthodox Jews get engaged is when others in the Western world decide they're going to be an "item". An engagement often lasts 3 months or less, and then they're in this intimate situation, involving two people who've had very little social contact with the opposite sex outside of close family. Now they are married, and suddenly all that was forbidden since before adolescence is suddenly not only allowed but required. She has her list of things to do as well. Neither is gullible. Respect just goes a long way. They need the details and scripts until they can get their own flow going, as this is all so new and out of the range of any previous experience. My newlywed life involved a lot of conferring with one another on "Okay, now what are we supposed to do?" for a while.

[@cyncyn7481]

So sweet. I can see how he was being instructed to make her feel loved and adored.

[@mariegro09]

Honestly this rebbe has really gotten what consent is about. I love the part where he tells the groom that his wife must insert the male organ. I know not all marriages will be perfect but he is doing his absolutely best to teach a good way to be a husband and a lover in a loving and respectful marriage.

[@jimmccullough934]

Thank you Frieda, a sensitive subject explained in an understandable manner 😊

[@julieneumann7006]

Love this as well as all your videos. I am a Christian believer in Jesus and am learning so much about your life and other Jewish groups by listening to your testimonies and interviews. May you be forever blessed.

[@Zelde-M]

An intimate glimpse into a real-life chusen’s (groom’s) sex/intimacy education prior to marriage with a sensitive and informative commentary by our guide Frieda. I see great value and insight in the continued conversation on this delicate topic. Shkoyakh!

[@RK67655y]

Great video! As an "insider" I found this so interesting. I saw some similarities to how my husband and I were taught. I was happy to hear that this chassan teacher was direct and not "beating around the bush" on this topic as I heard some like to do (was not my experience). I think it's a good thing that this entire subject is taboo to discuss in society in general as it's personal and can cause unnecessary comparisons between couples, and is also totally inappropriate for children and even teens to talk or engage about it. With that being said, I think it's very important that the chassan/kallah teachers be as direct and open as possible when teaching about this as many of us have little to no knowledge on sex Ed which is crucial to know before you get married. With that messaging, should also come a deep education on what our Torah teaches us about it, including that it's not "bad / impure / unjewish" to want and enjoy marital relations when done in the right way with the halachacally married husband/ wife. It is actually the contrary! For me personally everything worked out perfectly in the end and I have a beautiful, respectful and close intimate marriage b"h but I can understand the challenges (as well as the great benefits!) many of my fellow community members have to go through in order to achieve that. Side note! Hope Yossi and Libby are living happily ever after!

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

lovely. thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am hopeful for Yossi and Libby as well!

[@Audioobscure]

If i had a husband that was taught to say such sweet things and care like that, i wouldn't be alone now

[@eyeshalfwayopeneyeshalfway2603]

It works both ways. ( no judgement, I didn’t know either)

[@jvnd2785]

Saying things and *meaning* them are two very different things. All men use the sweetest words to woo a woman but do they ever mean what they say? Hardly ever. Not unless it benefits them directly (men are like that). "You be very nice to her so she will be very nice to you" is not love but a manipulation technique. Love is when you give freely and you do not expect people to be "very nice" to you in exchange. I do not say "I am alone". Instead I say "I am alone with HaShem". Because that is the truth: you are never alone. And after many, many years spent on this earth, I can say it is better to be alone with HaShem than having a man.

[@tamararutland-mills9530]

Frieda: this is brilliant and perhaps your very best work to date. Thank you for creating understanding! This is priceless. I’ve been involved with the Chabad community for years now, but have never been to an Orthodox wedding. WOW! Is all I can say about the wedding part. They really know how to do weddings. I ❤️ it! I’m in! I think you put your finger right on the problem: “If you get married to someone you don’t know….” I loved the teachings. Like you said, they were a bit like literature. It was lovely and charming. If only we all had (& grew up with) community and teachings like this!

[@zakiaelboutahiri5105]

sex isn't a topic discussed in our society as well, but only after the new couple got engaged. I knew the concept of sex when I was 12 years old, because my parents took me to a public high school where the topic of "sex" was normal, but discussing it at home with my parents would be seen as shameless. a lot of the topics that were discussed in your video is something I can relate to. THANK YOU FRIEDA!!☺💗

[@mailill]

I don't belong to any of the theist religions, but I wish we could all (men and women) learn to be "crazy nice" to each other and talk kindly and respectfully, and especially with our spouse and family. That's very good advice indeed! PS: And you read the trancript beautifully!

[@TaliaGreenland-dv5qe]

Frieda, this is incredibly eye opening and sweet. What a kiddush Hashem. 👏

[@shamaishamai1438]

Tears in my eyes at the respect given to the woman. My Muslim husband was told by his family to beat me into submission. He came from an educated, cultured family. He didn't beat me, and we talked about it.

[@pqlasmdhryeiw8]

What a privilege to get to know this very authentic transcript, Frieda. Thank you so much for your work transcribing it and putting it online. May it serve as a good primary source for studies.

[@erbearthgarden3658]

Such a beautiful lesson. I appreciate you sharing this. Thank you to the generous groom that was willing to share his experience with us.

[@YaelSharon3410]

Good video. I haven't watched the previous one you mentioned. This groom teacher is very wise, indeed complimenting his wife and mother in law are key aspects of a good marriage at any point in life, the first day or the 50th year. Thank you for this video, i really enjoyed it.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

thank you, agreed!

[@donnahibbard1774]

Thank you. Your presentation and reading was lovely. With the variables of people, personalities, time, money, children, feelings, values, families, friends, faith etc. all this blending together there’s a miracle when it works. ❤

[@sabineottala3588]

Thank you Frieda, I loved hearing this. The emphasis on caring and making your spouse happy and at ease shows such a generous view of marriage. When I was growing up we were told the mechanics of sex, but not how to treat someone we have sex with.

[@KatieRae_AmidCrisis]

Thank you, Frieda. I value your content. This took me to you blog, where I read several entries. I appreciate and value what you have written.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

thank you so much! most of my journey had been accompanied by writing…

[@carolp.7471]

Thank you, Frieda! This is very lovely, and thank you for sharing it. There is so much to learn regarding marriage, what wonderful words of wisdom and advice. XO,

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

it’s fascinating and so so sweet

[@ffvvaacc]

You are as good as any academic with a PhD in socio-anthropology and I can see you lecturing at Yeshiva University or the Jewish Studies dept at Hunter College or another CUNY school. Very well done. -Eugenia M.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

I’ll take the job! I’ll leave this video making business behind and settle down with decent salary and good benefits! 😊 thanks so much for the kind words!

[@lawrencemielnicki5643]

I totally agree. I hope Frieda gets the credential.

[@ffvvaacc]

I know colleges usually only hire people with masters or doctorate degrees and that’s a shame because Frieda is already there in knowledge and delivery style, just not with the credential. I wish her videos could be used (with financial compensation) in university curriculums for Jewish Studies departments and cultural anthropology departments. The quality of her long form interviews are also so good. So impressive.

[@MichaelDunetz]

When you step on the glass make sure that you are not barefoot.

[@robertcoughlin4961]

Frieda, your kind and thoughtful nature is apparent as you covered this delicate topic. No everybody could treat the topic with such dignity. Thank you for sharing.

[@captain_starblossom]

This was so lovely. Thank you so much for sharing it with us

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

Thank you! 🥰

[@nancyberry5144]

This is so beautiful, I loved it :) Thanks Frieda

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

I love it too!

[@DorisTheChicken3013]

Wow! Thank you for sharing that! The manner in which you read/narrated the words…made me feel like I was right there with them!! Also, can you get ahold of a transcript of the ladies class?? That would be great!

[@deniecezinnecker9630]

What a beautiful reading. While I agree that it is a little short on details that might be helpful, I so appreciated the repeated instructions to be kind and loving, and most of all, compassionate.

[@eugeniaq8875]

This is so beautiful and sweet - such a lovely introduction. I would like to think that "Yossi" and "Libbi" figured it out quickly. After all, they have a lifetime together!!🙂❤️🙏🏼

[@janetsnyder4368]

This Lutheran friend wishes that was done on our wedding night…how sweet…

[@rashowie1]

I agree with you that this is a lovely slice of life look into a young couple starting out. It's really sweet. Thanks for sharing!

[@UnwindingPain-t1m]

Thank you for sharing this transcript. You did a beautiful job reading it. I loved hearing how the instructor suggested his student caress the face of his bride and emphasizing the importance of compliments. I thought the transcript was from many years ago until I heard reference to the cell phone. I also listened to your previous show with the sex therapist and was impressed with her insights and empathy for her clients’ cultural sensitivity around the issue of human sexuality. Your scope of topics covers an amazing range of topics and I always look forward to watching new episodes.

[@audreyvann5336]

I felt this was beautiful. I grew up Christian, but in the very secular world and both private and public schools. I may have been thoroughly instructed in biology, but neither of my parents gave me one bit of advice for marriage or even finding a suitable husband. I feel that I got very lucky in my marriage, but we have both grown a lot in 20 years. How much difficulty could be saved with loving advice about how to speak to one another and treat one another? (Which really informs how you think about the other person.) To give each other respectful space. To say, "You have my number? Call for anything." The idea apparently was that everyone has to make their own mistakes, but I would much rather arm my children with wisdom. Not every mistake needs to be made by everyone, and a great many mistakes are avoidable.

[@haleywilliams3025]

Sheer entertainment.. so thoughtfully read. I learn so much about the piety of marriage from all of your videos and I am without a religion. Thank you so much, frieda!!!

[@HelloYiddy]

Thank you for sharing this, and the way you did, too, by way of transcript, and changing names. I love your channel, and admire you so much.

[@Elvertaw]

This is actually lovely. At least he’s being told to be nice and gentle lead her to what’s supposed to happen. One can only hope this gentle touch last through out the marriage.😊

[@DondraJensen]

I find this so interesting , teaching the young man to care for his wife first then himself ,thank you for sharing . 17:40

[@billsmarysam1238]

This was beautiful! Being a Catholic my husband and I went to Pre Canon classes before we got married. We had some of it like mostly how to make a budget setting up our home. My husband knew all that because he had his own apartment. I knew all about I had a mom who taught me about money. My priest was worried more about us making our confromation together worrying we did not know the world. I was 27 and my husband was almost 30 I think we dated and did things to prepare for marriage.

[@hannahaguirre2972]

This was a very sweet chassan (groom) lesson. Thanks for sharing . You brought me back sweet memories of 2 decades ago.

[@vcrouch6041]

Thank you for sharing. Very tastefully presented.

[@heatherwilson9717]

It is lovely. If only things stay as lovely this start, they would never end.

[@underdogrescueofflorida2313]

Frankly I was horrified by the Coach. She tore a hole in the concept of "intimacy" which I'm struggling to unsee. This video of your reading is tasteful.

[@katieduffy593]

I was wondering how I could say this and I'm relieved you said it so well. Normally I find everyone Frieda interviews really interesting but that one just doesn't hit the mark.

[@underdogrescueofflorida2313]

@katieduffy593 it's taken me since the vlog with the coach aired to find words to express my rage at the chutzpah of an attractive young woman who has left the very private community and throws out specific acts of sexual behavior as if people who are sheltered and have issues are to be exposed to the glaring spotlight of social media

[@benyaakov6453]

I knew already my friend Sruly who was OTD was experienced & told me everything I needed to know & a few things that the choson teacher did not tell me but I went anyway to learn all the halachos

[@shalvahmbmacdonald8487]

I loved this. Thank you for sharing this zeesy account of what a groom should expect & strive for. 😊

[@mariaa.9952]

Thank you for your videos, I finally know the term for the wedding room!! This was so insightful and you expressed it all so wonderfully. I hope you do get that University job, 😉 lol, as they say, may u get everything u wish for, and I will totally miss your videos though. Best ofLuck!

[@aracelivazquez996]

I liked it so much. Thanks for sharing ❤

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

thank you for watching!!

[@lauramason5667]

An orthodox Jewish man I met said he and his wife didn’t have sex until the third night. The marriage did not go well. It’s very sweet the way there’s so much consideration for the brides feelings. ❤

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

did he say why?

[@lauramason5667]

@@FriedaVizelBrooklyn he seemed uncomfortable talking about it and it obviously was not a happy memory. I think it was awkward and nervous for both of them? They were divorced and they only had two children which is probably unusual in the orthodox community. Would that be unusual?

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

probably the marriage didn’t take 🥲

[@lauramason5667]

@ Definitely. His mother had jumped off a building to commit suicide so there was a lot of sadness. Please correct me if I’m wrong but I believe in the orthodox community when somebody commits suicide, they are cast off or something like that. I’m sure that was very sad for him. Maybe you can explain more about those incidences when they happen. He was not interested in getting married again.

[@lauramason5667]

@ they only had two children. That’s a sign.

[@annehersey9895]

Love your hair Frida and I think you got new glasses which look great! Thanks for sharing another peek into a little understood community! It’s so unfortunate that if she bleeds he has to jump right out of bed. I remember my very first experience and the talking and embracing AFTERWARDS was as important for me as the sex. I think most women would want to cuddle after and be told she did good and for her to assure the groom that he did good and was gentle etc. To have to wait a week to have that seems unproductive for building intimacy. Can they lie together on top of the covers in their nightclothes and cuddle in the week before the Mikva?

[@Avocado294]

Thank you ❤ this brought me to tears

[@juliaagnes7]

What an interesting custom. Thanks for sharing; as always, it was done with respect and great character. Thanks!

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

My pleasure!

[@SLICK-GLN]

Very interesting the worship of the Mother in law is a good strategy for some guys.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

I think it’s a nice thing often!

[@Dev_KG]

Respect should be considered a "good strategy" for everyone. Unfortunately it's pretty alien in the modern world.

[@SLICK-GLN]

@Dev_KG that's true I was being a little sarcastic in my post .

[@frangordon2790]

You do such a great job of educating people. How do I become a member to support you and your channel? Thank you.

[@BunnyWatson-k1w]

Thanks for doing this video. At one time, sex education was so bad in some Hassidic communities that couples don't know the difference between vaginal sex and anal sex. Plus coming from a sheltered world with separation of the sexes creates problems that can carry over to an arranged message.

[@HaroldKatcher-w4t]

I once taught at a Hassidic junior high school, and was fired for teaching the fundamentals of sex, as how can you teach biology without reproduction, and what 14 year-old boy doesn't wonder about sex.

[@rashaadgreene]

I think many cultures should adopt! 💯

[@cookeechoc8824]

Interesting and full of good intentions towards the bride 🙂 One thing I noted is that, even married, a husband is not allowed to see his wife's naked body and I just wonder why. God's creation is so well thought through and desire is part of the process of becoming intimate with the person we love. Moreover, men are very visual beings so once the couple has tied the knot, it's strange that there should still be this embarrassment/shame about a woman's body and it creates distance instead of strenthening the marital bond. Pheromones, smells, touching, keeps a couple together through thick and thin (God created this with a purpose).

[@1BestCookie]

That is because they have not spent much time together before the marriage and don't know each other very well. The woman are used to always being dressed modesty even at home. It would be very uncomfortable to suddenly have to put all those learned barriers aside because you are married

[@Ashmo613]

It's not about embarrasment. It's about maintaining some sense of modesty and respect for the individual and is intended to elevated the act into a spiritual experience. Men are very aroused visually. Complete nakedness lends itself to the wife being just a body that he is enjoying to fulfill his desires rather than the person he is sharing intimacy with and seeking to satisfy. He is more likely to focus on that aspect of her instead of her face to make sure he is bonding with her on an emotional level as well during the act. Also, you have to understand that outside of marriage, Orthodox males and females are never alone together and never touch the opposite gender other than immediate family (that one wouldn't normally be interested in sexually anyway). Any physical contact (especially intercourse while completely undressed, as Judaism requires) then is an incredible and stimulating amount of intimacy that is shared with no one else. It fulfills the goal of creating intimacy while keeping the atmosphere of holiness and reverence instead of being only about lust and the fullfillment of desire.

[@RK67655y]

@@cookeechoc8824 that only lasts for a short period of time after the wedding. They are allowed to see each other undressed even on the night of the wedding, but out of respect and sensitivity to the woman who was taught to be modest and covered her entire life, the men are advised to give them that space until the woman is ready and comfortable to be undressed and seen with the light in the room open as well.

[@amberatartimec2564]

This was lovely. It felt supportive and encouraging

[@joylovepeace20]

Hi, as an othodox Jew I want to point out that it is not true that a man cannot look at his wife’s body. It is only during the times of “Nida” - impurity, that he may not see her dressed immodestly. I think it may be a Hasidic custom to have intimacy in complete darkness, but according to Jewish law, husbands may see their wives completely undressed.

[@lindaversil1121]

Even though I’m not Chabad I’ve been around them for a long time and worked in their schools and go to their shuls. I’ve seen hundreds of engaged couples over forty years and they see a lot of each other during the three months before marriage and are very affectionate towards each other and do a lot of activities together and learn a lot about each other and seem truly in love before the marriage. Therefore they are not usually nervous about sex and when you see them after the wedding they are affectionate and happy and have senses of humor. Chabad is different from how you grew up. That’s all I know. I’ve never been around satmar or other chassidim.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

yes, Chabad is very different from my perspective

[@lindaversil1121]

During the kiddish after Shabbos services I’ve seen engaged Chabad couples sitting together and talking and kidding around and already looking so much in love so by the time of the wedding they know a lot about each other and can’t wait to be intimate. That’s what I see. They see a lot of each other before the wedding

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

so sweet!

[@rivkagurevitz9019]

Chabad is definitely different. However, as a Chabadnik, there are definitely variations with how much contact a couple has before getting married. There is what we call Chasidishkeit, and often many of those couples will have a lot less contact with each other during their engagement. Yes, there will be weekly phone calls, and sometimes meeting with each other, and yet how often will depend on the couple. Of course it is nothing like the Hasidic world which has zero contact. I am just here to say that "too much" contact can be deemed something to avoid depending on the couple.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

yes there are so many variations to the stories I hear about Chabad

[@ariplatt8192]

Sigh. I can only imagine how stressful this must be for the couple. God bless ‘em

[@galnamedtal]

Just to let people know who may be wondering: the bride/groom classes that we got as "modern chasidic" (meaning we are chasidic, ultra orthodox, but lived in a more diverse community, not as "sheltered") our classes were much more sex-positive. The teachers spoke with modest language but still taught and emphasized pleasure for both partners and how to achieve that. Even though it was scary and new, it was also very exciting, and the wedding night does feel nerve-wracking but not like you're "with a stranger". Remember, many non jewish or secular people have one-night-stands, not even knowing that person's name, so being together for the first time with your new spouse who you know much more about and have been thinking about for months is very different than a complete stranger.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

yep makes a lot of sense

[@Cindy-lt2cm]

Thank you for this beautiful story that teaches the importance of appreciation and kindness as a foundation of relationship.

[@Derf56]

Very sweet story - thanks for sharing!

[@jakecutter7917]

I admire your courage Frieda!

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

I try. I try to have courage in the right ways. Thank you

[@k.k.5046]

I am sure 100% that some grooms don"r f... up on wedding night because they did a good homework. Can we hear from them here ?

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

yeah I’d love to as well

[@k.k.5046]

@FriedaVizelBrooklyn me too,some might read books,some might watched videos and others took an advice from a gorgeous Goyim woman. Very interesting.

[@kathybottrell7159]

You did a wonderful job with this video. I am curious, is the groom prepared for the fact when he returns home the morning after the wedding his new bride's head will be shaved? I like the way the teacher was telling the groom to treat his wife kindly and with compliments.

[@eyeshalfwayopeneyeshalfway2603]

I don’t think they ever see their wives’ shorn heads actually… when not wearing the wig I see they wear the scarves. I’m guessing but I think I’m correct. I’d like to know why they shave tho.

[@dyanalayng5507]

Thank you, Frieda. ❤️💕🇨🇦

[@BushaBandulu]

Thank you. Keep teaching.

[@pernille8071]

That was very touching - lots of good intentions, even if perhaps not everything happens so smoothly and as desired for all couples. A question about bleeding on the wedding night: are there any consequences if the red spot is missing? The whole procedure is basically a check on the bride's virginity and if it is so important that it is checked, wouldn't there be consequences if it is missing?

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

it’s not a problem at all if the bride doesn’t bleed. it’s very common, and the groom teacher even makes it clear that 40% of brides don’t bleed. so as long as the marriage was consummated, blood or no blood doesn’t matter, it’s not like a prized social value to prove virginity in my experience.

[@Dev_KG]

It's not a "check on the bride's virginity" as that is not only assumed, but is literally stated in the Kesubah, the marital contract that the groom presents to the bride under the chuppah, that she is a virgin. The blood is evidence, as Frieda said, that the consummation actually happened (remember neither the groom nor bride has direct experience to know if they "did it correctly.") The teacher points out to the groom that if there's no blood, he and the groom should chat the next day, just to go over what happened and make sure they did what was necessary.

[@hpyrkh3]

There is another consideration. If they consummated that makes her a niddah and they have to wait several days and she needs to go to mikvah. If they didn’t DO IT then they can (should) try next day. So, it’s a religious law question, not a virginity question.

[@willsmom93]

That was such a sweet message.

[@JJ-iu6jp]

Since English is not my first language would you do this video or any future video in yiddish? The topic seems interesting but I don't understand everything you say.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

you’re saying you speak Yiddish and want to see Yiddish content?

[@JJ-iu6jp]

​@@FriedaVizelBrooklyn יא אידיש

[@beans4853]

Or you can use this interesting content to get more fluent in English

[@JohnHarvey_UK]

I'd be interested to know to what extent women had a role in this guidance. It's very considerate of the women's side of things. I also think this video is great for those people who have two-dimensional view of gender roles in the Hasidic world. Thanks!

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

yes! I would bet the groom teacher works on his program with his wife but I don’t know anything for sure.

[@Faigyfeig]

@@FriedaVizelBrooklynthere are initiatives in KJ where chosson teachers and kallah teachers meet to align their lessons with each other

[@Dev_KG]

@@Faigyfeig in Chabad we have done this for many years.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

@@Faigyfeig yes I know of this, not a bad idea

[@pattycoe7435]

Am not Jewish, but was a very virginal Catholic girl with a clumsy Baptist boy who love each other but it took three times to actually see the evidence of the job being done. I think if they would have just left us on our own to sort it out!

[@k.k.5046]

Quite interesting story . Now I know why some grooms are so stressed , they have to learn so much INFO and try not to f... up . I would be stressed too .

[@Theodor_Herzl]

Simply beautiful and caring!

[@davidlixenberg5999]

The text translated and read out by Frieda Viezel was a delght. I would like to read the material that was not thought suitable for the airwaves. How do I get to your blog ? David Lixenberg

[@danielleteitelbaum1054]

Hi Frieda. U dont need to apologize for ur interview with Peggy. I know u got some pushback. But Judaism is not an authoritarian religion. If there are problems in our community, we need to have the honesty to face them, and the humility to make the necessary adjustments. I don't think u did anything wrong in acknowledging that these problems exist. Always remember: a lot of people that judaism celebrates today (Rambam, Rus, Yosef) were controversial in their times. ❤

[@jfife4211]

I found this sad. Although there is much sweetness and caring i felt sorry ftor the bride. The first time making love my husband jumps up and wipes himself off, checks me for blood and leaves me and goes and gets in his bed. No warmth or being held in my husbands arms after something that may have been painful and shocking. I would not want that on my wedding night

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

It is definitely sad to me as well. It's part of how Orthodox Judaism works because of the losing virginity thing. This isn't something that continues through the marriage though.

[@pattymk13]

Thar read was so sweet!

[@bethharvey7149]

this sounds pretty wonderful

[@dee4174]

I'm not Jewish, but I remember being so shy and embarrassed on my wedding night.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

yeah that sounds so totally normal to me

[@SanvarHaftobi]

Фрида, спасибо. Очень интересно.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

Spasiba to you!

[@jessicamorris4748]

Even the Reform, Reconstructionist, and Jew-Bu weddings that I have been to also include a part where immediately after the ceremony the bride and groom spend some alone time with each other. I didn't realize that this is so universal across Judiasim. The lesson also felt extremely prescriptive in describing how to demonstrate love and affection, although I can see how that might be necessary for someone with only 18 years of life experience. I taught two cycles of OWL (a sex-ed curriculum that is part of Sunday school) when I was a member of a Unitarian Universalist church, and it is far less prescriptive, but different strokes for different folks! Also, the stereotype about blood, the hymen, and pain is something that I could easily see becoming twisted in ways that are problematic, especially because it often isn't true. However, this stereotype is common to many cultures and in secular society as well. Ignorance about the hymen also had some painful but ultimately positive consequences for one Alfred Kinsey, and the rest of 1950s America.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

interesting comment altogether, would love to hear more about the hymen. are you saying it’s a myth that puncturing the hymen is painful? that it could be done in a non painful way?

[@crushedit9083]

@@FriedaVizelBrooklyn The hymen is not something that needs to be "punctured" (except in some rare instances, for which surgery is required). It's meant to stretch. Some women don't have hymens at all. And if the woman's partner takes time to make sure she's ready, (stretching it out a bit beforehand helps too) first-time intercourse can have no blood and little to no pain. Mama Doctor Jones is an OBGYN who makes videos here on youtube and she has an excellent one about the myths surrounding this.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

@@crushedit9083 wow I did not know this, I will educate myself further.

[@avalonkerr8332]

You play a perfect Rabbi!

[@ananojman2568]

He is really trying to teach him that giving good and being nice will lead to successful relationship which is beautiful and true. The part that is strange is that one with the meaning of the lights on - she is not ready yet to be seen or touched (except on her face). If this is so, how can it proceed to the sexual intercourse anyway? Is it typical that there is nothing about consent, eg. if she is still not ready postpone it until she is?

[@lisakingsley6515]

From the ffb people I know being in love at marriage is not the goal. They say that comes eventually. They all seem to have loving marriages

[@sammishbenseid4385]

Another good report on marriage ritual within Satmar Hasidism, specially coming from a narrative of a groom learning the ins and outs of the wedding night and more crucial, the verbatim utterances that the groom has to abide with. I am sure the same role playing is prescribed to the wife. All of this is well intended and fits perfectly well with the insular culture, given the fact of the outmost and diligent care the elders take to keep their children away of any information regarding love, intimacy and sex. Who would be against these rituals, albeit scripted and thus not genuine. All the good for the haredim. However, there is one thing that makes me cringe in sadness and bewilderment. It is the ritual of shaving the young bride hair. I just cannot believe that such ritual is necessary, and to what benefit? I am saying this, because as a young man and student at the university, I used to watch and screen many holocaust documentaries as part of my studies. What strikes me as inhumane, if not to say humiliating, was the shaving of the hair of our young women at arrival in the concentration camps. This sad image of beautiful young women balled headed innocent souls stuck in my memory forever. But to see it practiced with sheer joy and complacency on a newly wedded bride is simply too much for me to bear. I know, I know, it is not the same, one may suggest. But why, why? this humiliating (in my humble opinion) practice. A head hair covering is not enough? to protect women against evil eyes? I have and extensively read about this practice during the middle ages, and the reasons were valid, given the facts that pogroms and invasions were common in order for the pagans Christians marauders to take away anything valuable including young children and young beautiful women. But that's the distant past. Now is now. And this practice is simply humiliating for the young bride. But who am I to say this, when the young brides themselves, do not perceive it that way. It is sad. That's all I can say. An old moroccan jew living in Michigan 36:30 .

[@Dev_KG]

I shave my head, and I feel so bad for all the women who have to continue to maintain their hair, touch up the gray (which is what mine mainly is from what I can telll lol), dry it, put it up under a wig..... this way, for me, is so much easier. But I never had such beautiful hair (I come from frizzy-haired Russian peasants) so I didn't mind AT ALL parting with it. But there are plenty of girls who don't like it at all, and I totally sympathize (if not empathize) with that. It's a big change amongst a zillion other big changes that come with a new marriage. As to where it comes from, it's not the custom in every chassidic community, and it changes with the generations as well. I have friends who started out shaving and stopped, while others have continued, like me. Frieda might be able to comment on the specifics in Satmar (I'm part of a different chassidic community), but I have heard it is related to making sure there is no chafifah (something coming between the full body and the mikvah water - nail polish would also count for example), and knotted hair (you have to fully comb it first) counts under that. Long hair might (a) get knotted or (b) float to the top of the pool even when you dunk under the water, if your hair is long enough (we can all picture that). Thus, at least short hair, if not shaved.

[@NJIT22]

Russian writer, Nicolay Chernyshevsky in “what is to be done” described this situation 160 years ago and had his own, anarchic solution (he was an anarchist) to this situation 😊

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

well don’t leave us in suspense… what is the anarchic approach to sex, pray tell 🤓

[@NJIT22]

@ I am apologizing, I intend to place this comment in a different video.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

@@NJIT22 ha ha, well that was a tease for nothing!

[@MessiahYHWH]

Yafe meod. Todah rabba 👏👏👏

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

💕

[@rivkagurevitz9019]

I wonder if in the community there are different families that also teach about the topics differently. I will explain what I mean. While Lubavitch/Chabad is definitely different, in certain things it isn't necessarily so different. I can say having been a teenager in the 00's, that my experience about what I or my classmates knew varied. I know that some of us accidentally educated our classmates as we were making discoveries of our own. I did have friends that found Kallah class so disturbing (because Kallah class didn't necessarily leave everything to the last class), and then there were those that already knew things. I also discovered that there were other Chaseedish (I am writing like that to make it clear) that might have also had more knowledge than some of their peers. I don't negate that many have most definitely had the shock of their lives, especially if you come from the Chaseedish communities where girls don't learn much Chumash and Navi (or anything inside). I can't imagine that boys don't know more. I mean the Gemara addresses a lot of things. I can imagine that boys in the Chaseedish communities know less that their contemporary peers in US society. I would love to see what teens in the communities know today, and there is a way to study that.

[@donstor1]

This bed is called a California king and those little beds that used to be in here are gone.

[@SignalHillHiker]

Haven't listened to your transcription yet (paused at 3:30 to comment, ha!) but the interview with the coach was great. Your caveats at the beginning, especially. They did come across to a large extent in the actual interview, but not as completely or clearly as you stated them at the beginning. Fascinating stuff. This is one of the areas where I watch more than just our of curiosity or interest or longing to learn/understand another culture, but where I kind of suspect between the two extremes, the culture you come from might be closer to what I wish I'd been exposed to growing up. It would've been nice to have been ignorant and innocent a little longer than I was, I think.

[@meirahfischer3036]

Nowadays the Chussen does NOT go into the ladies side of the hall (unless very with it/modern). Most Chassanim take the kallah till the door of the womans side and then waves bye bye. Most time the fathers or a brother is waiting to take the Chussen to the mens side.

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

yes I’ve seen that! why do you think that is? in paradise I think you must walk through the women’s section to get to the men’s if you’re coming from the yichud room.

[@beans4853]

It depends on the layout of the hall , I believe. We had some weddings in our class where the couple went through the arches we held TOGETHER! How modern!! 😂😂😂😂

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

how fun lol 😂 party goes wild!

[@Dev_KG]

@@FriedaVizelBrooklyn if you don't clarify you mean Paradise Hall, people will think this is a description of the afterlife!

[@Jap9701]

I almost felt bad for the groom, that he had to wait so long when he got home lol. Being a Christian my wife and I were not intimate until the night of our wedding. I believe as soon as I walked in the door with her, it was pretty much no holding back.🤣

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

😂😁

[@PatchesEsq]

If so many large Hasidic families are poor (according to another video you published), who pays for these elaborate, seven day wedding celebrations? Is it common to reuse/recycle the wedding regalia?

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

oftentimes the celebrations are very cookie cutter like they do the same parties for all couples so it can be fairly affordable. nothing like fancy party planned secular weddings but more like template ceremonies that look the same for each couple

[@beans4853]

Friends and more extended family traditionally take part in hosting the 7 day celebrations. Every side of the family often take 1 night that they host together (brides father siblings one night, bride's mothers siblings the next. Groom's mother's siblings the night after... often the grandparent's do some as well depending on ability. It's an elaborate scheme arranged soon after the wedding date is confirmed to make sure it fits everyone's schedule

[@FriedaVizelBrooklyn]

yes yours is a much better answer

[@Dev_KG]

Picture it as a dinner party every night for a week after the wedding. The bride will wear a nice dress (these dresses end up being part of what we would consider a trousseau) for each night, but some of the parties themselves will be more casual than others. In my crowd, if there are several friends who are already married, the newlyweds group might host one of the parties, with the young wives dividing up the cooking. A nice part of it is that you're supposed to have a "panim chaddasha," literally a "new face," someone who wasn't able to make it to the wedding for whatever reason, so they can also share in the celebration of the new couple.

[@PatchesEsq]

@@FriedaVizelBrooklyn Thanks for replying. I really appreciate your channel; I learn a lot from you.

[@user-ld5qu4jj5w]

This is the husband of my dreams