Friend v Therapist | Why Your Friend Can't Be Your Therapist, Examples of validation and empathy

[@theweirdoag2277]

Honestly being a therapist friend messed me up. Like I was the therapist friend from like 4th to 9th grade. It was an everyday thing and half of the stuff was extremely hard and serious to hear everyday for like months. It has caused a lot of anger and guilt because it feels like my fault that I didn’t say anything and all my effort to help were bad. I mean I was like 10 to 13 and it was hard for me to understand. But still. It’s like I was supposed to be the hero of very broken people. Honestly like 90 percent of my friendships feel apart because of my need to help others and people trusting me with everything

[@DavyYap]

Thanks for sharing your story. Empathy can be a double edged sword!!

[@chaoticcritical9335]

Same here 💚💎

[@umagikurski3699]

Same here i got all the blame aswell when i gave advice

[@majachenmolhamo6140]

Friends are not emotional receptacles. Period. If you have to figure out something emotionally you need to get a therapist and figure it out on your own. Friends are there for you to hold whatever grief you have with joy or with at least a hug and maybe a recommendation for professional help, but we are not there to be the professional help. Generations of people not being properly co regulated by their parents or caregivers has created this neediness. I feel like most of us have been on the side of both taking and giving way too much. I know I have.

[@PascalPlayz]

Honestly, being the therapist friend really broke me- I knew my friend for a while, but one day they had told me they had depression, and they were somewhat suicidal…I was shocked but wanted to support them, so I told them they could come to me whenever they needed to talk to someone. I didn’t know it would be every day. As soon as I woke up I would see messages saying they had cried all night and that they wanted to call me and needed someone to vent to. They got super clingy, and if I didn’t answer them for a day, they would say I supposedly died or I was ghosting them and started thinking I hated them. Now I know it may be easier for them to feel that way cause they said they had depression and had family issues- but it made me feel terrible, so I would spend every single day in my bed on my phone listening and talking to them so they wouldn’t feel ghosted. Eventually I started to act like them, I started getting colder and a bit rude, and I started to think suicidal thoughts cause I had heard so much about theirs, that I thought I had them too. I started getting social anxiety and stopped being myself. Whenever I talked to them I would always just agree with what they said, and never put my own opinions. They always came to me with their problems, but when I started coming to them, they would always just write a singular word like “oof-“ or “rip”, or would ignore/change the subject entirely. They would make me spend my whole day playing games with them, and acted super depressed when I had to go asking things like “does your mom hate me, is that why you have to get off?” Eventually they had dumped too much information on me and I had told my parents about what they were thinking and feeling even thought they said to keep it to myself. I had called my school therapist to ask for help and they called my friends mom (the one person she didn’t want knowing). Later they said their mom was being nicer to them, and I told them I had shared. They said they couldn’t really trust me anymore but we could still be friends. Eventually I asked if they would get a therapist, and they said they dislike therapists and wouldn’t speak or say anything if they were taken to one. So I became their therapist. And I still am. It’s really taking a toll on me, and I feel like my voice/opinions/problems aren’t as important. Sorry if this is long, I just felt that I needed to vent for once 😅 If you’re reading this, thanks for listening ❤️ it means a lot that someone cared for what I had to say

[@dei_mos3571]

aww… i really get how you feel here. your feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s. i hope you’re doing better.

[@PascalPlayz]

@@dei_mos3571 thank you for caring for me, I appreciate that

[@PascalPlayz]

@@nurhaslinda6320 thanks for the encouragement and advice

[@nurhaslinda6320]

@@PascalPlayz you're welcome! be brave you can do this!

[@PascalPlayz]

@@nurhaslinda6320 💕

[@wednesdaytran232]

Off topic: your skin looks so good here

[@DavyYap]

heh hehhh thank youuu

[@gilbertbermudez4186]

Yeah! I agree with everything in this video. I have trouble with boundaries because I'm so open with the topic of hardship. I'll listen and validate but what REALLY hurts is when people don't take my advice. I feel like this is a personal issue that I need to work on. I will, because i know advice is about me and not about them... I just wanna help a sibling out. Maybe I am just a bad therapist and a terrible friend? that's fine, I love my dogs

[@DavyYap]

Thank you for your support! Advice can be beneficial if they are receptive for sure. I agree sometimes it can be hurtful when people don’t take our advice. I sometimes perceive it as their not trusting my judgement, but then I realize people come to their own revelations and decisions. Lol I can affirm you are a great friend

[@irakotlik]

As therapist I must say it is really intense work and requires a lot of skill and years of preparation to be good listener. Sadly, usually people think that you just love listening to them if you are kind empathetic person who feels for the others... it is easy to be sucked into these "friendships" in such case where people use you to vent or give advice to ship off responsibility and emotional burden they carry. I realize today that it is so important to take time to think what am I needing and looking for in a friend. Surprisingly, I look for fun, doing things together, sharing deep thoughts and knowledge on life, spirituality, ecology and geopolitics. It does not do me good to complain or vent and I am now trying to understand how to kindly shift existing friendship dynamics in a way that I am no longer an address for that.... I honestly contemplating to tell my friends to book a session if they need my help processing difficult emotions or make decisions :)))

[@DavyYap]

It is really intense! I appreciate the work that you do. I have had 3-4 different therapists and it is such intentional work. Listening to someone for 45-60 minutes is hard work. Yes, unfortunately some friends push that boundary and ship off that emotional burden. I think it is absolutely fair and necessary to tell friends your limitations and your role as a friend, not a therapist friend or friend who is a therapist!

[@-jess-7498]

Hey guys. I’m really freaking tired of my friend saying their the “therapist friend” when they really aren’t. I just wanna scream at them and say “When tf have you helped me or anyone else, your half the reason I need a therapist” which is true. But I’m so afraid of losing them at the same time.

[@cloudx8972]

YOURE SO REAL FOR THIS THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME IT MADE ME SO MAD ISTG

[@royalcoolness138]

Ik its easier said than done but, U won't really lose anyone if it wasn't a true friend to begin with, And i get that its really hard to find new people ur actually comfortable with, But toxic friendships are even worse, But of course i'm not a therapist, u do u

[@LexiconDisgr4ced]

I am the therapist friend. When my friends want that type of support I never give advice, i make it all about them, I support and listen to them, and I help guide them to their own healthier response. I never tell them what they should do. I give them a healthy perspective to make their own decision from. I always tell them to see a therapist if they can, but they most times are broke or just aren't comfortable with a stranger.

[@sharin7762]

It’s draining when my friend tells me every little bad things and tells me serious issues that I’m not up for, Ive been doing this for a year and it hurts when they tell me it’s my fault they’re like this. I have had a mental breakdown because of it and I don’t know how much longer I can take of it. I’m like a therapist to them

[@monida170]

I try to only give advice if my friends asks for my opinion, but I do notice that I can go off topic and provide unsolicited advice! I’ve been better at catching myself doing this though & therefore reeling back.

[@DavyYap]

Same! Sometimes I’ll ask if friends want my advice if they seem like they’re struggling. I’m glad you’re aware, as long as we’re improving 😌

[@kl0ni_loni538]

the reason why im watching this video is because i wanna listen to my friend and "try" to act like a therapist and this helped a lot im gnna try to listen to her and make her feel stable even tho im not doing well myself

[@oink4640]

I think i can title myself as a therapist friend. Not very proud of it. It's good dealing with people but when its the same person going over and over again its stressful. Ive given my best friend of 4 or 3 years good advice for her health and stuff but she chose to go against and always having reasons....a simple task to recover herself was also part of her " oh i can't do that list ". I lost my dad few months ago. It was very heartbreaking. I texted my best friend of 4 years and wanted to call but she replied saying something that was about her having to process everything around her head. On that same day her other friend also passed away. She also had chinese class to think of. So i didn't bother her. Night time came, she texted me wanting me to call her. So i did. She cried her heart out saying he might lose her chinese class grade. I was just there on the phone just giving out comfort words and comfort her like what a mother would do. I was questioning myself why am i even doing this....next morning i came to find out that she actually get to redo her thing and get her grades. Good for her. But did that get my dad back? Sadly no. I wasted my energy on her. Heck i did her assignment one time cuz i felt bad and she had other stuff to do. Truth is she procrastinate. Every work she finds difficult she comes to me. Im in the 8th grade and she's 10th. See how messed up that is. I did her assignment and she gave me cold reply which i did not appreciate. Later on she's nice. 2 days ago in a group chat she wanted to give people presents since she felt "generous " one girl said " oh i don't usually get gifts " and then my dear best friend replied " oh don't worry I'm usually the gifter " ....... That was the last straw. Im only giving few stories out since its a lot. Im impressed with my patience with her. Did she just forgot about me? ( the new girl in the group chat has the same interest with her ) I've given her so many gifts. Apology gift, birthday gift, random gifts. I even went to her school just to give her a bag filled with goods and motivation letters because she was stressed. And this is what i get in return. I confronted her " I'll just pretend that i did not just gave u sth yeas ago " i expected at least a reply. But no i got ignored. They continued on going about they're anime and stuff. She makes fun of me. But it has it's limits.i never once made fun of her. Because im scared fragile girl like her would break. I muted her chat since that group chat incident happened. I dont even want to talk to her. The last time i check the chat i left her on seen. She could be a pick me sometimes. This is the last straw for me.

[@bonnie5409]

My friend doesn't want to go to therapy...so I'll just try to be "therapist" like...I really hope everything works out...

[@DavyYap]

Tread lightly!

[@iairarea]

I feel it's healthy to support my friends by being there when they are going through tough times. I listen to them and tell them to take the wisest path they feel is right for them for their current situation. However, when it becomes an ongoing deep emotional complaining problem is where I have put the brakes. Instead of me investing so much time figuring out solutions for them and fixing it for them, I now validate their feelings and suggest to them they seek a professional or someone with more experience in counseling. If they don't have the money or don't want to, I suggest they be proactive and research the internet/KZbin videos related to their issues. This is how I can support them and my own personal wellbeing.

[@Shqmma]

I've been friend with this guy for a while now, his mother was a licensed psychologist and he taught be a lot. It's helped me to think more like a therapist for others who just need someone to talk to.

[@Murd3rousCrow]

My friend can't get a therapist, so know I'm.here trying to figure out how to be a therapist for her... I wanna seem legit, to help her feel better. I'll update on how that went

[@DavyYap]

Aww I feel that. They're expensive. There are some free resources online, but just remember to be an empathetic friend and we can't truly be a therapist for our friends.

[@carolynso8134]

Therapist: how did your friend make you feel? Off screen: like ~ s h i t ~! LOL I love this video

[@DavyYap]

hahaha I'm trying to reflect reality. ty!

[@ididbadthings]

I'm going through a situation right now. My friend is going through something and she wants to talk about it often and is only talking to me about it. She will ask me questions but then I feel she'll get triggered and snap at me and say "I don't want your opinions". I've suggested therapy countless times but she has never gone. She can definitely afford it. I have told her I will try my best to simply listen but when I am asked a question it is challenging for me to not answer with my opinion. I am not a trained therapist. I think the expectation to have a friend only sit and listen without sharing any opinions/similar experiences or any other feedback may be too high. What we might need to learn is how to deal with some of the feelings that come up when our friends do those things. As well as what we might say when they do those things too much or at the wrong moment. Like, "hey, I know you have some opinions but I'm too angry to hear them". Communication is something we all need to work on. It's so stinking hard!!

[@zerokawaiianima]

Such a unique and relatable concept!!

[@DavyYap]

Thank you, Trisha!

[@polonijj]

I have this friend who always uses me as her therapist. She always talks about her problems, but not like sometimes, I mean it; ALWAYS. She doesn't respect my boundries, doesn't actually care about my problems at all and uses me as her main source of happiness which really drains me. I really don't want to be mean but it's getting hard to continue on with this friendship. The thing is she lost her mom when she was very young. Many people told me I need to be more understandable since she grew up without a mom and that I'm selfish for thinking this way. I really try to understand her but it's getting really hard. Am I a bad person for feeling like this?

[@melaniedoyle2968]

No, you're not a bad person. You said two things that are important: 1. She doesn't respect boundaries. Big problem. 2. She blames you. Both of those things are very unhealthy. Maybe recommending a therapist to her and saying you can't help her might be the way to go. As a warning, she may blow up at you and guilt trip you. I just had someone do this to me and the issues were similar, but honestly, I'm glad she's out of my life.

[@carolso6009]

Omg I give unsolicited advice all the time, tho honestly for my own self validation of telling someone something 🥴

[@DavyYap]

Hahaha it is hard to hold back sometimes. With friends, I’m more discerning and ask if they want to hear advice. When it comes to family, hella unsolicited advice

[@akaKohnmany]

YESS COMING THRU WITH THIS FRESH CONCEPT AND THE FRESH FACE

[@DavyYap]

Hahaha I gotta serve you contents and looks boo

[@georgigeorgiev9352]

I believe that some things is good to be shared with friends, but not just the ones you hang out with, I mean the close ones, that ones that you feel like a part of your family, speaking of family, talking about problems even witht hem is reliving and I believe that is one of the duties of close people in your life. However, when you are facing a problem, indicating signs of self destructive behavior or depression or something more, then it's the right moment for your friends to push you a bit to go and seek mental help. Most of the time I am the person who listens to his friends, but I am biased, I react emotionally for some things, but whenever we are talking about something more concerning, I kind of feel my limit and I start thinking of every word that I am saying, because it might affect this person and I always try to push em into going to therapy. A lot of people are reserved on this idea, because therapists could be expensive or even in some cases actually rude and unprofessional. But even then, is it better for those people to continue searching an maybe just plan it in their budget? Basically what I am trying to say is that, every situation is different and it's not that easy for someone to go to therapy and I don't like how normalized this is, how normalized is for us to live in a society, in which our mental health is damaged. Our friends&family don't play a significant role and we need a therapist(which btw in the end of the is just a business) . In the same time you can't be the therapist friend all the time, its exhausting and you always need to get something in return from this people otherwise you just give every piece of you for nothing. ANd I think only emotionally mature and intelligent people could play the role of the therapist for their friends, otherwise you do more harm than good. .... I am sorry those are just my thoughts, they are not very organized, but this is how I feel about this topic

[@loldiers3238]

I have a friend who hates all therapists because he had a negative experience decades ago, so now he's using me as an emotional crutch. I like him and want to help, but I know what he's doing isn't healthy. And I don't want to push him away because we've both been hurt by that before. It feels like whatever I do will be wrong... which is basically what my whole life has been like.

[@JulieHiltbrunner]

I was hoping to find out how to stop a friend from constantly complaining about her family and doing nothing to address the issues she’s capable of addressing.

[@k_siluni4101]

I have a person that needs help really badly. that person really doesn't believe that being like that isnt normal. I really wanna help him and make him feel better. I hope this helps.

[@blythie709]

I feel like my friend is using me as a therapist and I’m like PLEASE STOP LIKE I DIDNT STUDY THERAPY OKI

[@ashleyschuurman7329]

Yessss ✨ first of all, you are GLOWING. Second - I totally agree with all your points here. It’s a great to practice better listening skills for friends, but also - I don’t WANT my friends to be my therapists and vice versa. Friendships have to be a two way street, but therapy is all about me and I like it that way 🤣

[@DavyYap]

Thank you, Ashley. Haha I totally agree, while it is good that friends are validating, I don't want them as my therapist either

[@wanderlikeyoudontker]

I honestly only became a therapist friend [online] late 2022 to early 2023 [yes this day lol] and I honestly talk like a therapist to my friends when they need to vent or need support. I listen and give them encouragement. It's like I have some sort of mindset that resembles a therapist when I listen to them vent. For the first one I do sometimes act like the friend but I also act like the therapist in that situation so it's like a fine line in between. I still give my friends advice but i also listen and try to understand their situation. I also ask a lot of questions that the therapist asks, is there anything to that? I'm within the age range of 12-17 right now and some say i act like i work as a therapist- In short; I just act like the therapist in this video 😭[without the hours of training..]

[@wendysigler5209]

Oof the TEA in this video!!! 🔥 Great video Davy!!

[@DavyYap]

Girl you know I won’t forget about my made up dog’s death and my made up friend’s response.

[@wednesdaytran232]

Good info! I need to review my boundaries too haha

[@DavyYap]

Thank you. It is so important =)

[@arielnami7199]

I'm more than my girlfriend's therapist, I'm her mother figure, lmao. WE ARE NOT RELATED IN ANY WAY, but she saw me as a girlfriend at first, then became more and more dependent on me for safety and her mental stability, to the point that she now only sees me as a mother figure/caregiver. Working a full time job and taking care of an adult toddler isn't fun. (I'm not joking, she acts like a toddler and does the same things a toddler would). I'm just waiting for this hell to end 😆

[@DavyYap]

Oh no!! I am so sorry to hear that Ariel. I have got to that point where a friendship turns out that I am taking care of all of their emotional baggage. I hope you sort this out! Wishing you the best!

[@tr1nn537]

I wish I would have found this video sooner. I am getting emotional just watching this and reading comments. I tend to be to myself a lot but I enjoy company. I have a low social battery but have really high highs when I get going. But I run out quick. So for the past 8-10 years of my life I have become really close with someone (platonically). I am an only child and we had known each other since we were around 5 years old (I am 24 now). We have different personalities and clash a lot but I think where our connection grew and trust kept building was when they went through their own great depression and anxiety attacks and I became the therapist friend. After years of all this she basically became my sister and I was closer with her family than my own. It consumed me so much and they seemed to not even notice it sometimes. I felt taken advantage of but eventually it got a little better. I get annoyed easily and a lot bothers me but I hold it in for everyone else's sake. Then when I finally decide to let things out its always in the wrong way and nobody listens to me and just calls me emotional. I was so involved with them and my roles as the "therapist friend" I feel lost without that responsibility. I obviously don't want to feel that way but I can't get it out of my head. Recently an outside friend stayed with me for a few weeks and saw everything from an outsiders perspective and tried to tell me how toxic this all was and why I wanted to keep going. Well now a falling out happened that was my fault a couple months ago and I am obviously lonely but should I even want to go back if I have the opportunity. Not talking to them feels like my own family disowned me and im pissed that is even a thing. I'm sorry my words are all over the place but this comment section is my therapist friend lol. The worst part is it's my neighbor and I just feel like im being tortured every day. I can't even have the opportunity for out of sight out of mind.

[@ellamorgan5544]

Haha great video. I will keep this in mind, good to help me catch myself if I start on a tangent, but also good to know that if my friends start to do that to me that they are friends and not a therapist. Thanks for the video!

[@DavyYap]

Exactly. Tangents are okay sometimes!! Friends are there to listen. The message too was that we shouldn't want our friends to be therapists but we can be more validating sometimes.

[@ThatGmoney]

I’m talking to a matched bumble profile and hell man, I’m not saying much but the reveal is he’s open but so heavily guarded he found comfort he want his on line dating match to be his therapist he can abuse and I’ve screenshot the whole convo and sent it to bumble HQ.

[@DJ-fn9zk]

Came here out of curiosity. I usually fill this category (not by choice just by circumstance). In my personal opinion I’m a decent alternative but not somebody who is qualified. Im direct if need be, firm but not uncaring, I understand and ask questions. I also point out that I’m not a long term fix more of a patch up job. I make suggestions rather than decisions and not all the time only really when there’s been something I.e cause and effect or more long term. I never make the air too hot to breath but I don’t dismiss the issue unless there’s serious ramifications. I will never be a therapist nor wish to study as one as from the little I’ve helped with preventing suicides and talking people away from habits would drive me crazy as a profession. I always encourage my friends to seek them out as they are way more qualified. I just have experience leading to methods of understanding. Dunno why I posted this but I respect the profession I just find myself in these situations as I get better results when I act.

[@AndrewInRBLX]

Nice video!

[@jccuchvjvj]

So therapist is a friend that know how to act.

[@kevindavis4709]

My opinion it’s okay too talk about what’s on your mind however. There’s a problem when a friendship is based on talking bout your problems instead of the good stuff having fun you can’t start your vehicle without the positive cable connected. Friends help get your kind off of thing I can tell you my friends helped me when I was going through something be talking bout cars radios speakers you name it that eased my mind in so many ways.

[@xBustedHeart]

Lovely video with very valid points. Even therapists need therapy lool

[@JohnMikaelian]

Three magical words: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

[@DavyYap]

LOL! We love CBT. I was a psych major. Thoughts, behavior, feelings. Wow are we so complex

[@JohnMikaelian]

@@DavyYap Yup - I've been in therapy for the past few years and CBT is all I know.

[@DavyYap]

@@JohnMikaelian Nice! I'm going to therapy next month again.

[@CB-fq2ye]

God bless you!!!

[@adhianaaa2828]

Ahhh this video is really informative

[@DavyYap]

Thank you!

[@Hellosteph]

I stan Dr. Yap

[@DavyYap]

We love an expert

[@krystal5314]

I give my friends advice but she gets mad at me if i get my advice from my family

[@moonjii6021]

I srsly need help I have 2 friends especially 1 were we basically talk about my feelings or more like a bring it up i wanna stop it for so long cuz i dont want him to be a therapist. Ofc i ask how hes doing too but he dosent like talking about himself.

[@lisyap8464]

Wow keep it up

[@DavyYap]

Thank you!

[@ZaBuZaMoMoChi86]

Women go to therapy to validate their errors/personality lags/feelings mostly,and mostly,therapist who are "successful" (by a social media standard) are no more than pop-psychologysts or self-aid gurus.

[@UrRandomKiwi]

What is wrong with you?

[@chibee8739]

I am the fucking "therapist" friend bc my friends all go to me for venting and I am a fucking awkward person Its fucking stupid

[@cialloraptorgohst5449]

….I am personally offended….I would make a wonderful therapist😑

[@DavyYap]

I’m sure you would! We just can’t technically be therapists to our friends.

[@chroytheng3841]

👍🏽

[@DavyYap]

:)

[@Abr022575]

Friends lol