Frientimacy: The 3 Requirements of All Healthy Friendships | Shasta Nelson | TEDxLaSierraUniversity

Our world is getting "better" at connecting us and yet we're reporting feeling more disconnected than ever. The issue: loneliness. The solution: understanding the 3 actions that lead to belonging. Shasta Nelson is passionate about all things friendship. As founder and CEO of GirlFriendCircles.com- the female-friendship learning community-she speaks and writes regularly on this important topic.
She is the author of two books: Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girl- Friends and Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. Her spirited and soulful voice can also be read at Shasta’s Friendship Blog and in her relationship health column in The Huffington Post.
She’s been interviewed on the Today show, Katie Couric’s show Katie, The Early Show, and on Fox Extra. She’s been consulted on friendship matters by writers and reporters from such magazines as Cosmopolitan, More, Real Simple, Redbook, and Good Housekeeping, and from such newspapers as The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and the San Francisco Chronicle. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@luciebourdouxhe3807]

The three requirements: Positivity Consistency Vulnerability

[@Jeiygo]

Lucie Bourdouxhe Ty

[@n.g.9705]

Saved me during an online Final Exam. TY!

[@mrpeace7708]

Thanks

[@parapiba]

Thank you

[@TheeBole]

Thank you kind sir.

[@rememberremember5106]

What's missing is trust, the moment you can no longer trust a person , with your your feelings, your insecurities, and they don't respect that, then, not a trusted friend, put them in the categories of associate . Actions are stronger than, words. You can forget what a person says, but you can never forget how they made you feel. Right there are your decision makers.

[@alanaashley574]

thats a part of consistency and vulnerability :~)

[@rasheeda1303]

So true😉

[@dirtystreetdweller]

Awesome. John 15:12

[@andreasleonlandgren3092]

Well said

[@jazzyrose66]

Thanku

[@jesussaves4396]

Our society doesn't encourage good friendships it encourages competition

[@d.m.christina]

which includes exclusion and intolerance.

[@saetae9208]

Facts

[@deannang455]

Society encourages isolation. Suffer more from hate than illness during the pandemic.

[@russellfernandez57]

Then compete together

[@raymondotoole2600]

There are still people in society like Tony Robbins that will encourage good friendships. Try to surround yourself with the right content. You can have a healthy relationship with social media !

[@juliea.]

For too long, during my 20s and very early 30s, I was the Go-To-Friend: had a lot of "friends," who wanted help, advice, assistance, etc. However, I was rarely asked to join these so-called friends when they secretly planned vacations or get-togethers. The solution? I GOT RID OF TOXIC FRIENDS, and I've never been happier.

[@kelly2fly]

Good for you, Julie!

[@EdwardAveyard]

I can't believe that a group would ring you up regularly for advice and then exclude you from holidays. They were certainly not good friends!

[@elijahgarcia5504]

Loneliness is a mental state, you can do all the stuff this woman said but there's no guarantee that youre gonna get the same effort back , you can be alone and not lonely i dont agree with this woman

[@juliea.]

@LoganRusso Thank you! Boundaries are important.

[@juliea.]

@@kelly2fly Thank you!

[@fatoctopus3098]

Personally, I find the lack of time commitment to be the biggest friendship killer. The glorification of busy has reduced most of my friendships to merely "friendly acquaintances." Strangely enough, these "frientances" usually lack neither positivity nor vulnerability; most likely because we're so starved for validation. It's all about knowing who talks to you in their free time, or who takes the time to talk to you. In the end; however, we usually find ourselves sitting on a two-legged chair, simply because sometimes it's better than nothing at all.

[@pennyhughes3671]

Yes in this situation right now with a friend shes really busy ......cant pick up the phone and doesn't text to arrange a call by very hurtful

[@cat.8825]

My absolute best friend of 4 years has stopped talking to me. She only texts me to tell me that shes busy and will call later. She never does. She never gave any explanation as to why she didnt talk to me for 2 months straight. It's not the first time this has happened, and this is the longest period of time I've gone without talking to her since we've been friends.

[@virtual_virginia]

YES

[@janettewhitham3005]

To me the consistency/ commitment has to be shared l find l am the one to initiate doing things. When l dont receive itbin return l lose faith

[@kristimartinez7528]

Exactly! Nobody has time for anyone. How do you show positivity or vulnerability when you can't see or speak to the person?

[@HD-mg9ru]

I had a best friend for 30 years. We were independent but when we got together she was my family. We did everything together. We went to the gym, she had the coffee I had the muffins. We went shopping together Disneyland, Las Vegas, camping...you name it, we did it! We made quality time for each other. But I lost my best friend to cancer a few years ago. And ever since I've been trying so hard to find someone like her. I know you can't compare but it seems like everyone that I meet now either will go out and when you make that effort to meet up all of a sudden they have to leave right after or I have to do this or they cancel at the last minute or they move the time or my daughters in town or I have to watch my grand kids or something or other and it seems like nobody has the time. But I'm not gonna wait around for someone who has the time. Nor will I dig my shovel now 6' under and wait. I'm my own best friend until the right one comes along. It's all about values and beliefs and I value and worship a great friendship. I understsnd life happens. But no one is (toooo busy) not to make time for you. And we were blessed with mouths to speak and ears to hear. Fingers weren't meant to text and eyes are becoming the empty souls of relationships.

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

Well said, beautiful soul! ..."It's all about values and beliefs and I value a great friendship. I understsnd life happens. But no one is too busy to not make time for you. And we were blessed with mouths to speak and ears to hear. Fingers weren't meant to text and eyes are becoming the empty souls of relationships. I totally agree about the texting bit. Most people avoid intimacy by texting instead of calling. Sad times. And you're right...NO ONE is TOO busy for the things and people that matter to them. I wish for you another very wonderful, soulful, loving friend with whom to share your time/love/presence/life. I send you MUCH Love straight from my heart to yours, my kindred spirit! ❤️

[@Lannec10]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister died in 2015 from cancer, and it was like losing one of my best friends, and more because of all of the shared memories. Its so, so hard. I hope you find wonderful people to fill your life.

[@HD-mg9ru]

@@lemostjoyousrenegade thank you so much. Kindest words I've heard in a long time🙏

[@HD-mg9ru]

@@Lannec10 I'm so sorry for your loss. Time heals and we have so many beautiful memories to hold on to. Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope you find wonderful people in your life as well. We need to keep creating those beautiful moments to hold on to.

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

@@HD-mg9ru Your welcome, Love. I understand...I hope you hear many more sincere, kind and loving words more frequently and soon. 🤗 XOX!

[@JesusIsTheGoodSheppard]

I made a mistake of being flaky towards people who always wanted to spend time with me. I thought this would protect me from harm, but in the end I just was lonely. Now, I know that one of the most important things in a friendship is to show up regardless of how you feel. It is better that you are there than not

[@geooorgiax4612]

Love this, so important! Thanks for sharing :)

[@tcggggg]

Yes in the exact same boat just trying “undo” damage now..

[@Manu-dc5wb]

I have a tendency to go this way. I have to stop it.

[@oblivion2967]

I know why so many of my friendships didn't work out now, it didn't start with positivity. I would bond with others based on the opposite, negativity, or trauma bonding. It is so important to have a good positive relationship with yourself first so that future friendships can build properly by starting with the first requirement: positivity. Thank you Shasta 🌻

[@elumiomerk4013]

Hi I know this comment is a year old. But I was also wondering about this, I remember watching a series about police detectives and I remember one character saying something that stuck with me: "bonds are forged under fire, you know that". It just stuck with me, and I kept seeing it in the world around me, even in the news. Ever heard of the man and woman who met and were stuck on a cruise ship and then decided to get married? So I wonder how "trauma bonding" as you worded it, fits into this triangle.

[@shwiiiiies4704]

I red it as shkasta

[@alithib]

Elumio Merk i think it all depends on how u carry the conversations between each other when talking during/about traumatic events. Positivity is especially precious during bad times, so a strong connection can grow from that, especially if the two of u are supporting each other and helping each other grow from such a traumatic event. However, if ur only discussing the negatives of a situation and not helping each other genuinely grow from it by thinking positively, which i think the original comment was talking about, ur not meeting that five to one positivity/negativity ratio, ur just keeping them bogged down. Thats what i think at least

[@evorynightyshade7688]

I know this is old, but I'd say it's possible to bond over trauma and be positive. I think it's more about how you feel after bonding over trauma with a person. If you feel comforted or understood or seen and in a good mood I'd say that was a positive interaction. If after talking you feel bad I'd say that's when it's a problem

[@elumiomerk4013]

@@evorynightyshade7688 Good take on it dude. Thanks.

[@MygirlsGJPB]

Yeah. I could be on the phone for an hour listening to this one friend. Then when I start to talk this person always has to go. 😆

[@jaclynh9343]

omg yes ppl who exploit your time and willingness to listen without showing any interest in how you are and what is happening on your end... it makes you feel so invisible and used. I am there right now and it hurts so bad and i have epressed how I feel many times... they have apologized and said they will try and do better but not a real improvement honestly...

[@fskoh8465]

Next time they call, do the exact thing they did to u. Dont hold on to these kind of people. Let them go forever

[@loribothwell5493]

Emotional vampires

[@mrgrow2417]

Same here ..the moment I answered my calls less and less and even stated that I want to share things with people and that people don't listen and he went back to him and his issues i just distanced myself and then later I answered and yup all he did was rant about his issues at work and his wife .I have offered him and questioned and offered suggestions and he just says I tried that .

[@acoolducksloveryeahweexist]

No help thinking about what they did wrong, the question is what you can do about that :) the power is within, and you can't change the people around you, but you can change THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU( meaning you can't change ones you're with, but you can be with others :)

[@mel-wp9dt]

I’ve always had a difficult time finding real friends, people who genuinely cared about me, etc. I always had the superficial type of friends, like it was nothing genuine. until this year, I met this guy who i feel like is a brother to me and honestly, it’s probably the most genuine and loving friendship I ever had. I feel comfortable enough with him to tell him my biggest secrets, I trust him so much I can’t even put it into words and he’s the same with me, he has shared things with me that he doesn’t dare telling anyone else and idk, we’re always supporting each other and wanting each other to do great in life, it’s just such a nice feeling, having a real friend lol.

[@Bl1NK9]

Be cautious from somebody who has been there, he might have fuckzoned you. If he asks you out and you say no and he suddenly doesnt want to be friends anymore, dont say you havent been warned.

[@CousinJustice15652]

Yes, be cautious...but on the flip side, don't be overly suspicious. Believe it or not, there are guys in existence who will be a friend to a girl without expecting anything else out of it. I’m blessed enough to have a male friend a lot like yours, and I know for a fact I am not (and have never been) on his lust radar (our level of vulnerability is such that we talked about this early on). Which makes the amount of effort he’s put into being a great friend just astounding. Be prudent and don't ignore red flags, but it is quite possible you’ve found a true friend.

[@dark_architect1644]

Ive never even had fake friends..

[@bacondoesthings123]

I disliked your comment because you said the F word.

[@bacondoesthings123]

Even if I’m old, I don’t like people who swear in public or anonymously. Why? For the love of God.

[@AntaAutumn]

That sharing story was the story of my life. Always facilitating meet ups, birthday surprises... always listening to troubles, but no one ever listened to me. Last week while on holidays with my ''5 best friends'', when I finally confronted them (after 10 years of friendship) about not ever bringing me a birthday cake or even a small present on my birthday, they all thought I was being irrational, loud and frankly half of them didn't remember they were at my party... true fact, one of them looked at me and said I acted like a beggar, asking for attention... Long story short, I came back from holidays with a new outlook on life and relationships... needless to say I haven't called anyone and they haven't been in touch ever since... probably they don't remember any of this happened... oh well! At least, as weird as it sounds, I'm lighter at my feet. We'll see what the future holds!

[@alinaarachnaphobic]

This happened to me for the third year in a row for my birthday, last week. I finally started telling my friends it really hurt my feelings and I don't feel much better about it. But I am doing the triangle, vulnerability!! Anyway, I wish I could throw you a birthday party! With your favorite cake, flowers, streamers, your favorite playlist and everything you could DREAM of!💜

[@Indigo_newness]

So sorry you didn’t deserve that.....I’ve meet so many people who are so selfish it’s like every 2nd person it’s rife....I just got rid of a 22 year friendship with a narc I was done......I finally found my worth and she didn’t like it......she was trying to destroy me....but I got rid of her on my terms finally

[@IjusVindrBjorr]

This has happened to me while growing up . I’m always there to listen , always willing to understand . Always lending an ear . No one has yet to return the favor .

[@lusaadyofficial]

They are fake friends and don't deserve your friendship. They may not care about you.

[@katrinablackwood7909]

I always end up with friends like these but these are the only friends I have so I end up alone :/

[@l.salevi]

The vulnerability part is where I suffered. It got to a point where I stopped talking to my best friend because I felt awful after every conversation I had with her. I became scared and uncomfortable telling her how I truly felt. That was my sign something was not right.

[@anonymousanon2993]

Girl, you probably felt scared because these days if you're too vulnerable with friends you know they will eventually start talking about you! You know you unfortunately can't trust anyone as much as you want to.

[@TheGdoodygrl]

That's what happened with me and my best friend but there's always something else in that fear as well. The fear got to me.

[@ioanafilipescu2327]

But what made you feel unconfortable at some point? I mean: what happened? What changed your friendship?

[@gracebe235]

In the chance that you encounter a friend that turns out to be a narcissistic psychopath, they WILL use your ‘vulnerabilities’ AGAINST you. This makes it extremely hard to be ‘vulnerable’ to other’s in future relationships.

[@gauloise6442]

Friends need to earn your trust and openness. Being emotionally vulnerable to an untested friend is like giving out the pin code to your bank card at a party, and thinking no one is going to steal your wallet

[@ChristinaHarringtonsimplyart]

Yup, and NPD's can hide their traits for years before taking advantage of you.

[@IjusVindrBjorr]

There isn’t positivity there then .

[@damicool2000]

Psychopaths are just 1% of the population, it is highly unlikely you would ever encounter one, you're just being paranoid

[@valeriew4833]

Grace I know, but when we do that we miss out on a lot of real feelings and opportunity to heal. I'm working on being vulnerable again, this time with newly discovered personal boundaries to keep me safe.

[@tiana5033]

9:35 When we have high vulnerability - we feel seen When we have high consistency - we feel safe When we have high positivity - we feel satisfied 12:35 The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it is connectedness Wow !

[@eminzec9268]

Nothing hurts more than trying to build the friendship up yet the friend is somehow keeping you on the bottom level and it doesn’t go anywhere no matter how much you’d like it to

[@sarahvajda258]

Definitely. I understand this. :(

[@veronicalagor4771]

It's more about the other person than you ;c

[@lightonstillwaters6789]

This TALK deserves a million more views, at the very least!

[@thehorsebackheroine5950]

Did you share it then LightOn Stillwaters? I thought it was great too:-)

[@lightonstillwaters6789]

!point Good

[@belindacarter6872]

I’m done for

[@jaclynh9343]

honestly yes...

[@Dozerson2]

Especially now; 2020 Pandemic

[@gustavoalmeida8066]

I would add to her speech...we hugely need two things to develop better friendships: reciprocity and people who really become interested on our lives, the things we do and like, people who share with us the same interests.

[@WolfArtizan]

Yeah I agree. I thought that's what friendships should be based on

[@gustavoalmeida8066]

@@WolfArtizan that's exactly how two people should act towards each other to have the healthiest and worthiest friendship possible

[@pearlthefairy]

Exactly. Reciprocity is so important. I genuinely give up on friendships to be honest. I’ve tried

[@MB-es6sd]

The cure for addiction is not sobriety- it’s connectedness... maybe that’s why Meetings help? Food for thought...

[@jbeim777]

I cant make friends that ARENT close. I either click fully or cant click at all and lose interest or get uncomfortable. Ive never been in groups and am super uncomfortable lol. Close friends have challenges.. kind of like family.. it gets complicated but rewarding at times to share everything.

[@bhavyabajaj34]

Ikr.. I'm in university and my closest friend had to shift colleges due to some legal problems with counselling. Its been a month and I feel so lonely. I never thought I would reach this point in life but I don't have anyone I can talk to. I know I have my parents and they love me unconditionally but they are not here with me. I don't know what to do. I tried making new friends but everyone is already in groups; they know each other and nobody wants to add someone like me in their group and share stuff. Even though people think I am sweet and say hello to me but that's it. And that's not what I want. There are a few girls who let me sit with them out of pity but I can't connect with them. They do stuff that I don't do. They listen to songs that I don't listen. And they talk secretly about some things which is really awkward. I can't even ask them what it is. I just feel very lonely all day, everyday and I have started thinking about the purpose of life and stuff... Its getting really bad . I wasn't like this. I don't know how to explain. I just wish my best friend could be here. Everything would have been perfect.

[@thumbprint7150]

​@@bhavyabajaj34 - Replying because you sound sad; I hope your situation has improved since you posted. You say your 'closest friend' left, suggesting that perhaps you had other friends? Could you grow closer to these other friends? If not, ask yourself if, when you were with your special friend you ever invited other people into your friendship, people like yourself now who were seeking connection. When we are content in our friendship circle we may not see that other people are on the outside looking in. So these other girls may not realise you are lonely. Perhaps see if you can get some support such as counselling and join some groups in your university to not only increase the possibility of new friendships but to get some pleasure out of life. And keep in touch with your old friends and your parents by phone to reassure yourself you are loved. Good luck.

[@tofusands]

more people need to watch this, because like most friendship/r/s advice, its a 2 ways street. you could provide all 3 requirements on your end, but when the other party is not willing to do the same, its impossible to achieve this. I've watched so many show on how to cut toxicity and keep proper friends, but what if... there's no one left?

[@sararichardson737]

I’ve found there’s no one left

[@bayyleaf]

you just gotta trust that the genuine energy you’re putting out will bring you those people who desire healthy friendships too. I’m personally in this situation right now but not worried hehe, it can be difficult but filling your own cup first is also key

[@Xilaas]

There usually isn’t anyone left after, but you know what? I met better quality people when I was alone and happy being that way

[@mandywhite2197]

I am in the middle of distancing myself with a friend who literally used me as a therapist. I'm fine with helping and listening but friendship is supposed to be fun too right?

[@MsRosecrystal]

Relationships are not always fun. They are just real. Maybe you hit a real type situation.

[@elaanna1649]

I just did the very same thing. I was always there to listen to her unloading her heavy stuff but whenever I suggested we do something fun and healthy was always ignored. I feel so much better now.

[@falmustafa6851]

Some bond out of trauma pain or drama and want a therapy more than a friend - there has to be highs to this bond not downs Also respect of what is being given back to you not only taking Reflect and see how your dynamics go. Never be in a segment or phase where you always give give give and no space to share.. notice what happens if you share, what energy comes back your way? Empathy or always brushing your things away and change topic back to her If that happens then it is a taker dynamic a friend has to have that feeling of being there for you as well under the capacity that you feel you can endure or open to receive Wish you all the best 🙏🏻

[@badadviceforfree]

Ive struggled with that too.

[@loribothwell5493]

Same issue 😪 so yep going back to school to earn $100/hr😀👍

[@joycevanlaar4787]

But if you try to bring up your needs and you get zero response? That is very saddening and makes me try to make new friends anyhow. But I love that I now know about this triangle. And what I should look for and give myself😊

[@shelpow]

Be your own best friend first!

[@getertk]

I think friendships change over time. I've noticed after I turned 30, that my expectation of my friends evolved. At first I was ok being the "listener", but now its draining. I think sometimes you have to accept who you are currently and then let your friends know of your changes as well. That way they can adjust or leave.

[@yadanada4106]

Yeah. It’s so much easier as a kid. You ask them to be friends and it’s most likely a yes and off you go... It seems meeting people over 30 and no one wants to put in any effort, at all. Zero. You reach out, but not too much as you don’t want to come across as trying too hard or trying to little either. It happens so often and it’s getting frustrating. I’m becoming that person that doesn’t want to put effort either now because I’m too tired and seems like a vicious cycle we get in to (for all of us)

[@thingsTheater]

Omggggg I love that ending. “We’re not talking about fault-we’re talking about connections.”

[@whatisahandle221]

👍

[@caramelunicorn8023]

What this woman is describing is the story of my life. I never really feel seen.

[@jaclynh9343]

you and me my friend, certain friendships I feel seen and heard but certain ones no. I actually get very emotional when someone encourages me to share more bc at the root of me I do not feel worthy of feeling seen and heard bc that is what happened growing up so I get teary eyed that someone actaully wants to hear what I have to say.

[@amyjames9282]

@@jaclynh9343 ah, i relate to this alot. i'm curious, are you more of an introvert or extrovert? Personally, i'm introverted with a slight social anxiety but i also know some extroverts have lots of energy in social interactions and still feel unseen.

[@cindytran5628]

Yup same that’s why those friendships never last

[@loribothwell5493]

We all feel this

[@c.dalenale7415]

for a lot of my life i’ve had friendships that always left me feeling forgotten or unimportant. these people would be my best friends or closest friend groups but eventually something would happen that would end leaving me feeling left behind. i don’t know why this happens to me so much

[@karkinakifree]

Well me too. I have 2 "close" friends and some acquaintances from uni whom I won't call my friends. Last year when I came out and was in a real deep mess my close friends didn't really support me and I felt worse.... and now I feel like I've outgrown them but I don't want to be completely alone, you feel me? Anyways, sorry to hear your story

[@kanyewest6539]

this is happening to me again now too.

[@kanyewest6539]

i fixed my relationship with my girl i posted abt a month ago. she ismy bestfriend, and maybe hopefully wife one day w/ help from shasta, and other ppl. dont let despair ruin a friendship if it doesnt have to. gather yout thoughts. i had to purge my emotional energy before communicating, but you MUST talk to them if you live them. if they love you, they will listen. and if they hear you, and you dont play blame or victim games mutually, sometimes these "fights" can be like thunderstorms following a drought. my relationship with my girl isnt perfect but its healthy, and becoming more so. my anxiety abt things, and my overall trust in her has skyrocketed just from experiencing a healthy resolution to our problem. please give shasta some love. she deserves it.

[@christinejaneb_]

me too.. it happens every time, every another year in school. i had 2 back from my junior days, then another 2 people from my senior days. they all left me.

[@kanyewest6539]

lol jk no i didnt. i was right in the beginning abt this girl. but shasta still gave me tools to help try. and thats a lot.

[@1LaOriental]

Another huge problem is female competition. Women are great at covert aggression. I have lost many so-called friends due to jealousy 😒

[@quixoticsonnet]

Sad but true.

[@ladyinredlove897]

You are so right

[@pamengland7863]

And sadly it’s SO Single White Female that it’s scary to break away from!

[@IjusVindrBjorr]

This is so true . It’s so sad . I’ve lost so many friends and it wasn’t due to jealousy but just nastiness . Competitiveness and wanting to succeed over me. I haven’t been perfect either. But there is so much negativity amongst women . I hope this changes

[@xan8185]

They were never really friends to begin with.

[@Lannec10]

I found this video because I am often the "good listener" "show up with bells on" friend who sometimes does not get that friendship mirrored back, and I'm trying to avoid this going forward. I've scaled back so that my commitment to the friendship is on par with the other person but, unfortunately, a lot of people are really just self-absorbed nowadays. The good thing about cutting out toxic friends is that you make room in your life for you and for better friends.

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

Just wanna say I’m making an effort to be positive always with a new person I found and want to befriend. If they are late, I’m like, ITS OK, NO BIGGIE…and they look relived… Unless it’s life changing , or it’s gonna kill me on the spotI’m never judging em and always ignore any slight annoyance …. This positivity is working wonders , and has created a lovely bond…But it’s not hard either for me to be this way as I genuinely luv their company….❤❤🇦🇺

[@ezzafive9271]

Respect to the speaker. The problem is that I did a communication course and it did not improve my friendships because my friends didn’t do the course. I just became ultra aware of how people were doing what we’d learned not to do - minimising, judging, dismissing, and changing the subject to themselves. Both parties in a friendship need to have the ability to be intimate. To communicate. To be vulnerable. What to do since that’s not the case?

[@lyndsaybrown8471]

Was wondering the same. Since the comment has' been a while, did you find the answer? What do you do when you've been positive and supportive, but don't receive the same consideration? What do you do when the other party doesn't respect you? And think only in terms of their benefit?

[@ShadowSis]

Focus on fi ding new friends. You've outgrown them.

[@NewBlueTrue]

Demote the relationship to find people who meet your needs better. You don’t necessarily have to end the relationship

[@TheGdoodygrl]

I think this is something you remind the other person. Talk to them about it in the beginning of your friendships and you bring it up when you feel a lull in the friendship

[@BlueskyDenver]

Relationships are also created with reciprocity, genuine care and helping us when we most need it. Not to rescue and fix our lives but to hear us, comfort us and support us in our growth but above all we must become our own best friend and lookout for our highest good and then we can do the same for others. The quality of people in our lives is more important than the quantity. Having one good friend is worth more than gold.

[@rebeccahooper-esquibel1291]

I like this and I would add to that dynamic reciprocity. A health relationship has both people making an effort to be intimate, consistent and positivity.

[@waterbender19]

this is the type of content people watching rom coms and reading how to find your soulmate articles actually need.

[@elizabethdjokovic2691]

Yes she explains it well. You can't build friendships without spending time together, breaking bread together. Most people I know are always in a hurry. I try not to be. They have what is known as " hurry sickness". The ability to build and maintain friendships has now been hindered by the new behaviours shaped by addiction to mobile phones and iPads and machines that facilitate communication and interaction from a distance. Work patterns and schedules also make it difficult for people to socialise and keep in touch with others. It's no wonder so many people feel lonely. Ultimately there is no substitute for face to face human interaction. It is important to be there, even if you haven't got much to say. A famous chess champion who spent years as a recluse was quoted as saying as he faced his final curtain and he allowed people back in. "There is nothing more comforting than the human touch".

[@jokerfrown]

Technology doesn't matter. People make themselves busy even if they have free time, they then make themselves busy. Its just fashionable to say you're busy. Its the same argument people have always made, but in bus stops when people use to get together and didn't have a walkman/cd player they mostly ignored each other and buried their heads in the newspaper.

[@MissPopuri]

Haha, the bus stop newspaper read is classic business. It makes me think that Bus Stop by The Hollies is more a testament to looking up and paying attention to the stirrings of love in your soul than just a simple love song.

[@slowrunn3r88]

The story she shared at the beginning… about how she never got a chance to share her experiences… reminds me of group therapy after I had FINALLY had the courage to leave an abusive relationship. I was DESPERATE to get it off my chest, because I was so broken, and the outside world refused to welcome me back into it . But…I rarely got a turn to speak. And when I did? Somebody would say “oh I know exactly what you mean! There was a time…” and the focus goes to them, and the subject changes.., and I never got closure… I truly believe that’s part of why it was so hard for me to heal. I had nobody to TRULY try to understand how I felt

[@kyleefeist1324]

I've found that there are a lot of good groups on Facebook for abuse survivors. You can make a post, introduce yourself, and then vent if that helps you.

[@veronicalagor4771]

Sounds like whoever was supposed to be moderating that group therapy session failed their job. Hope you provided feedback so that moderator received the training they needed to prevent it from happening again...especially with such a vulnerable population.

[@slowrunn3r88]

@@veronicalagor4771 unfortunately I didn’t have the strength at the time; it had been beaten into my brain that I was “to always come second,” so therefore I didn’t even realize it was unfair to me. I thought it was “just the way things go sometimes”

[@Healingheartpsychicservices]

Thank you so much for this! I need to make true friends. Positivity, Consistency, Vulnerability I am available for a true female friend!

[@deborahwiener5636]

My biggest fear is being alone. But I have felt alone my whole life. I have chosen the wrong people; energy vampires into my life and once I have taken enough of their games and I see who they truly are, I let them go. Therefore, I have no real friends, deep trustworthy intimate relationships. Keep speaking on this topic. You are inspiring!

[@hrobertson439]

I'm so sorry! Are you in MA? Maybe we can be friends lol. I'm going through the same thing now, just got engaged and no real friends that actually care. I never wanted to be that girl who's main relationship was their partner but his love made me realize just how toxic and entitled my "friends" were.

[@maureenarrigo7056]

What excellent points and so well delivered. I can totally relate to being lonely around supposed friends.

[@thumbprint7150]

@DarthYuYevon - Since you have posted this comment twice, it sounds like this was the wrong TED talk for you. Which begs the question: why did you watch it? A spouse can for sure be a friend but this talk is about a different type of friendship.

[@vickilynn9514]

Brilliant talk! I know lots of people yet don't have a single friend that I would trust to really be there for me, and I don't think it's me :-). How to connect and be a decent friend needs to be taught in school

[@xan8185]

I have friends...but it's more like we have a good time...and I guess I could vent to them but I don't ever really feel like I have a true friend. I also don't ask for help...I never ask for help...so maybe it's me.

[@annettefella8945]

Some good advice I received was to write on a calendar every time you see your friend or significant other. At the end of a month, that calendar will confirm if you barely see someone or not. I'm a quality time person. This little bit of advice helps me. This was a great talk and what I needed at this time. Thank you so much.

[@kartos.]

Sadly this is hard to achieve when so many people are like, 'oh sorry I blatantly ignored you for days, I'm just an introvert tehehe'

[@ashleyarias7444]

Thank you so much! I thought I was the only one that happened to. I had somebody I thought was a close friend who did that to me when I was in a big crisis, crying, not wanting to keep on in my life kind of stuff. I just needed someone to care and sit with me while I was trying to make it through. That former friend did, word for word, exactly what you mentioned.

[@ashleyarias7444]

We’re talking about people who think it’s ok to treat people who are supposedly your good friends like 💩 because it’s inconvenient for them to be a decent human being and think saying they are an introvert excuses their a-hole treatment of others.

[@Chatoyancify]

Some people are overwhelmed by the emotions of others, and even their own. They don't know how to cope themselves, let alone comfort someone else. Often it's due to ignorance, lack of practice, but also sometimes mental deficiencies. I have relatives in the latter camp with varying levels of empathy limitations. When you come across someone who does not love you as you would like them to, you can either give them the chance to do so next time by telling them what you need or choose not to rely on them for this type of care, but do understand that we all come with context.

[@AnkurTheATHLETE]

thats not how introversion works. if they ignore you they dont care about you. introversion or extroversion got nothing to do with it.

[@Divinesacredwisdom]

Kartos THIS! I noticed that the “friends” I had that did this were deathly afraid of intimacy and just didn’t want to admit it.

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

Friendships like humans are complex and flawed. Suffering and loneliness are part of being human, and friendships can help mutually ease but never eliminate these aspects of life. They can also exacerbate suffering and loneliness when conflict or loss enters the picture. Ultimately, a good friend is someone you can count on in difficult circumstances. Ask yourself who would bail you out of jail with their own money in the middle of the night if it came to that. Those are your true friends, and you are lucky if you have even one.

[@randomcarrot7970]

Alright. (1) Positivity to feel satisfied. (2) Consistency to feel safe. (3) And vulnerability to feel seen. But the question is how do you be vulnerable without being too negative? How do you present your needs, share your problems, etc. without sacrificing positivity too much?

[@musicmayhem7176]

I think it helps if you ask before sharing heavy subjects. And maybe only update them on it every few weeks or so. Talking about serious stuff will make a healthy friendship closer. Also, discuss this question with them perhaps?

[@xan8185]

When I feel lonely I just look at the drama my acquaintances go through and get happy knowing I'm my own best friend. I really like being alone.

[@charleshurstreinvention3959]

How do you know when to drop someone my subs will ask me? It is very simple with me and I had to downsize a few friends even though we had been friends for over twenty years--because people change with time. Sometimes it is you who changes for the better. And people you are around may not grow with time and you simply lose commonality with them. I'm not talking about finances--I'm talking about growth. Years ago I was a toxic person. And so were people I was around. I changed and they didn't and a few years later I realized I actually dreaded going to see them and was relieved when I left---and that is your sure sign you need to drop someone. And it is hard as people do have feelings even toxic people. But as Jim Rohn once said--"you are the sum of the qualities of the five people you are with the most." Gaining excellence requires you surround yourself with such.---Hope that helps--Charles

[@insertsomethingoriginal1376]

To all the ones out there still searching for these types of friendship, you can do it! I searched for years ever since I was in elementary, but if you keep searching you'll eventually find people willing to be by your side. Always remember that it's a process we have to experience gradually if we decide to dedicate time into it; even if one of your friendships breaks down, you can always learn from it and see what were your mistakes, or theirs. I can say, taking things this way was what made me realize how to handle friendships in the healthiest way possible. Like I said, if you keep searching, you'll find someone eventually. After all, if you want to find someone with who you can leave your heart open, without fear, who isn't family, who says that, out of other 7 billion people, there isn't someone just like you out there?

[@ooleeeo]

This topic made even more sense to a person like me during the pandemic who finally realized that many people I thought were my friends actually turned out to be missing when they were needed and in the process, I threw a long list of people out of my friendship circle. Doing so, for the first time in my life, I figured out the friends I need who shared all the three requirements and made a handful of new friends who carried forward all these three values. And now I feel my friendship circle is complete. :)

[@MilkPudding]

I know this is totally unrelated but I love her heels. They look so adorable!

[@MindyZielfelderArt]

As a natural pessimist and introvert, I really needed this, thank you.

[@ksmith3666]

Wow.... Hit the nail on the head. Frientimacy.

[@nanwu2186]

The biggest obstacle I ve encountered was people are too egocentric and having difficulties to accept criticism, but very often they don't even work on intimacy relationship with their love partner, so I guess this is a reflection of how much effort they usually work on any kind of relationship

[@Healingheartpsychicservices]

still available for a good female friend and males too here in southwest michigan. if you love to dance, smile, laugh, hug and stay positive and spiritual/non traditional i am here

[@meechiemishae4642]

I hope you've found that friend and I hope they're absolutely awesome to you!!!

[@badadviceforfree]

Come to Brisbane! 😀

[@Healingheartpsychicservices]

@@meechiemishae4642 thank you for saying that. unfortunately i have not . i just lost my best friend, my dear husband of 24 years and am newly single and now really need to find true friends in my area. maybe its the area as i have met many lovely ladies who say they will call and dont. i am a very friendly and positive and loving person. i pray this is my year to make good friends i can actually connect with in person here

[@cheetahr]

I can relate to the circle of sharing and not being asked to share.

[@themaverickhistorian6257]

Huh, never really thought about the quality of my friendships. I think about so many different aspects of health and happiness, including romantic relationships, but I've put zero effort into understanding what makes for awesome friendships and purposely seeking them out and/or building them. However, it's probably the most important aspect of a happy life before you meet your lifelong partner, and even then it remains extremely important to your happiness and you could even argue it's just as important! If you are in love with your life partner, but don't have any awesome friendships, well, that's pretty sad. You may not even find or attract a great women in your life without some amazing friends and an array of diverse and valuable social circles. Not to mention your friendships can either be extremely beneficial to your marriage/relationship or extremely detrimental. I need to put more time aside into focusing on finding and developing awesome friendships and several large and valuable social circles.

[@tyyneviljakainen5108]

Good plans. Hope you really did it. So how it started to work for you?

[@gabrielle6158]

Love this comment! I feel the exact same. I always thought for girls or guys that they should not just limit themselves to a loving partner but to try to expand on their social lives. Friendships makes for interesting experiences with a variety of interests, opportunities, and personalities that can add dimension to a person. I don’t think anyone should lack seeking those true friendships built on sustainable foundations just once they feel complete with just a partner. It’s a lot more fulfilling to add onto your social network, I’ve seen it from those who are in happy healthy relationships.

[@franzabananza]

Omg exactly! I hate when people solution you everything is to “get out more” NO that will just add more of the same people in my life. I need “real” not “more”

[@lusaadyofficial]

I LOVE THIS! WELL SAID! I need to work on bettering my friendships by building positivity, consistency, & vulnerability.

[@crimsonxxspawn8613]

i'm at point in my life where im no longer looking for a relationship. i'm no longer alone because of my inner circle.

[@TronandFlynn82]

That was fantastic! I totally can relate to loneliness and a lack of genuine and substantial connections. I'm really surprised that this hasn't had more views.

[@frankdelahue9761]

Irresponsibility is one the reasons people loose friends. You have to be careful how your behavior affects others, or you will loose friends.

[@pattygomez8656]

Wow! This so resonated with me! Thank you!

[@carmenzagonzalez2120]

Great talk ! Totally relate with the epidemic of our time don’t have meaningful relationships. During the last 5 years I cannot call anyone a real friend. Also I haven’t been real friend for anyone and this talk make me realise the responsibility to build those relationships. Bless your friends because lack of someone to talk to is very sad.

[@RasheedatBabas]

This !

[@shastachenry8289]

WOW! this was an excellently delivered and excellently interesting talk. I love the connection between the science and the feelings.

[@nytheparadigm8986]

Wow! When you put it in that perspective no wonder I sound like a broken record! I can definitely identify each out of the three with my friends ! Thanks great job 👍🏽

[@muhammadbinnaeem9327]

I don't know about other places but here where I live there is a joke that goes around which actually has a really deep meaning. It goes something like this...(translating in English removes it funniness) "Lasting and true friendships cannot be made unless you are willing to listen to extremely long stories" ... It works, I can proudly say I have good friends. I would mark myself at at a 6.5 from 10.

[@Mullitonnie]

Good job Shasta! That was so well done and on-point.

[@ladonnawimmer1511]

I shared this with my friends and they shared with different friends. Every relationship can benefit from this.

[@zimzimzalabim]

I'm very surprised this does not have millions of views yet. This is very straight forward, meaningful information presented by Shasta in a very concise and relatable way. And this applies to male and female friendships. Thank you for sharing!

[@flowersmile123]

This was refreshing to listen to. And a great reminder of how great friendships are built as well as what makes up the foundation of the triangle that leads to frientimacy: positivity, consistency and vulnerability.

[@nessakapllani259]

one of my friends moved away to a different country and she found it difficult to be consistent and decided to adopt the attitude of I will call you whenever I am ready. As if I never wanted to reach out to her and tell her about good things happening in my life. I was just supposed to sit and wait for her needs. I tried to communicate with her that our friendship wasn't working for me and I didn't feel safe. She responded bitterly and instead chose to focus on how stressful things are for her. It is safe to say that I chose to no longer be friends with her

[@tabathadalponte409]

Wow. You really made a full circle with you not mentioning to your friends and expecting them to ask. Great talk

[@user-gp1fj4rz6h]

Thank you so much, Shasta! Your explanations helped me a lot🙏

[@JeremyPickett]

Yes. To repeat, yes. Another time, yes. It feels so good to hear someone else say this.

[@JeannetteYvonne]

This is a life changing talk. Highly recommend.

[@sarahm.martinezf3771]

Beautifully said

[@dplant8961]

Hi, Folks. From my observations over the last 5 decades or so - give or take a 1/2 decade - there are some people, a VERY few, who are sufficiently confident that they are O.K. as they are that they don't need much in the way of friendship - if indeed any at all - and especially not for 'validation' of who and/or what they are or their place in society. Contrary to what one might expect of such people, they are usually very humble people, often among the most helpful people you would meet in a LONG day's march, usually very intelligent, including emotionally intelligent, and very good conversationalists. They are also usually very spiritual people, although not necessarily very religious. They are also very loyal and honest but do tend to be rather 'private', seldom sharing much about themselves. They can almost universally handle large doses of their own company - being alone is a joy for these people where most people do not like it much at all. These people are almost always deep thinkers and very imaginative with a wide range of interests and much knowledge on a wide range of topics and a strong curiosity. Know anybody like that? Just my 0.02. You all have a wonderful day. Best wishes. Deas Plant.

[@kwezixuba4429]

This is exactly what I needed to hear. I loved her!

[@daniel5651]

I found the positivity bit especially helpful... thank you

[@deeb3272]

Wow! The very talk that I needed! What a great timing!

[@kumudinidhembare3647]

I can't tell you how happy I am receiving this knowledge. From the past few months my friendships were becoming worse than I could ever imagine them to be I was craving to know what makes for a strong and healthy friendship. - Thank you so much❤️

[@Jaylove777]

This was really good! I could see all my friendships as she spoke and all the ones that I am close to, and feel intimately connected to, check all 3!

[@Dan-pd9ys]

This was one of the best Tedx Talks I've ever come across. And how she tied in the personal micro scale to the global macro scale. Loneliness and inability to connect effectively is literally killing us and sewing distrust and anger into everyone all over the place. Incredible.

[@rib_rob_personal]

I believe this is entirely correct. I've slowly started to feel closer with a friend and my loneliness has been ebbing away. Learning how to develop these skills of developing deeper friendships. This was incredibly helpful. At least I know I'm on the right track. :)

[@shaunnaruto]

Consistency is also like a commitment to develope the friendship. Without regular effort, it is like a plant which will wither away.

[@nancym.forbes5899]

Well done and exemplified Shasta!!

[@triciaandor686]

This talk is packed with nuggets 'o wisdom! Thanks for distilling such important info into bite-sizes for us, Shasta! Bravo!

[@elizabethbennet4791]

its literally based on science!

[@lexie02jones25]

You’re The BoMB 💣!! Thank you so much for this video!! I needed this!!

[@bellj753]

I work from home and it's really hard to create any kind of in person consistency with others.

[@gebrochenes_licht]

So good. Thank you!

[@narcissistessays968]

👏👏👏 As a survivor of narcissistic abuse this is quality info for seeking new friendships. Thank you 💕

[@Virpugnator]

Shasta Nelson, I was very impressed with your Ted talk and found it very useful for my own needs. You’ve opened three doors for me today and I already feel and believe in the future success of my relationships. Extremely grateful😊

[@thechaneys33]

So true! Wonderful Ted Talk!

[@oseiyawus]

THANK YOU. GREAT TALK. GREAT INFORMATION

[@ilonaszollosi9592]

This talk was all I needed. At the moment I have some friendship problems and I want to solve them and not just let them go. This helped me so much. I even made notes after I watched it. Amazing

[@Eunice_Adewoyin]

This comment is just what is on my mind.🤝

[@javierrivas4575]

One of my favorite teddy talks, thank you 🙏🏼

[@emoaf8555]

The best advice is to not expect anything from friendship and keeping your standards intact.

[@vasanthapriyarajkumar9721]

This changed a lot of my thinking. Thank you!

[@allinspiriation6140]

This video was so helpful!!! Thank you Shasta

[@camilla8129]

I've been more vulnerable with three friends I've had for the last two months, than with a group I've had for three years. And my life has changed completely

[@mmommo10]

nice, there's still hope then.

[@traumametaphysical7459]

Amazing ted talk.... just too good. I am glad this topic was chosen and she spoken fantastically ;)

[@donnaquinlan6530]

This is absolutely incredible I I feel so sad and lonely it’s my main thing intimacy means in to me see