How to Spot a Narcissist When Dating | Dr. Ramani

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[@merin797]

Relationship with a narc: The absence of things that should be there, and the presence of things that shouldn’t. That was the only way I can explain it.

[@yasemins1313]

Wow! What a short, simple yet deep and powerful explanation.

[@dennyfie]

Merin that is so correct.

[@qmb9856]

Yes!! Exactly.

[@Wendywolf8]

Wauw yes

[@bringingproductstolife]

Yes that's a spot on and exquisitely encapsulates the experience of many

[@creepypisces83]

I had a guy I dated last year, not respond for 2 weeks. When he texted saying "Hi, how have you been?" I didn't wait, I texted back that i wasn't interested in someone who doesn't respond for two weeks, said bye and deleted his number. I didn't freak out, just stated my boundary and never spoke to him again.

[@Confused2023]

Good ..on….You! Wow, if I’d only done that, I could’ve saved myself 3 yrs of manic highs and impossible lows. When I finally broke the chain, I walked away a shadow of my former self. I’m still recovering…ugh! So, I salute you and you’re gonna find someone awesome for you 😊

[@dennyfie]

Good move creepy...kudos so many guys just dog people.glty.

[@sweetdreams3119]

yeah, been there...my ex even said 'sorry for the inadvertant incommunicado' during the hoover. It can be funny when you look back and see the fuckery from another angle....can be

[@ChrisMustermann]

Great 👍 As a man I sadly fell into that trap in the past with some women. I am a person that immediately recognises whether there is a connection or not and if there is one, I invest much in it. But sadly most people today aren’t able to recognise or don’t care at all, because they are egoistic.

[@Stinkwolff83]

What’s creepy is I’m a Pisces born in 83, I’m guessing I should really remember your comment, and keep my eyes open, as I leave my current relationship and start new ones. Thanks!

[@northshorelight35]

There is a reason narcs choose people going through a vulnerable period. They’re too broken to care about red flags.

[@zepherreload]

I met my ex after I was going through a tough time. It was so on off for so long, more so when I was doing betting things in my life. And when I had the hardest time in my life over a few month she left and tried to ruin my life, I almost took my own life because of her! Some people are just evil

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

Most people do not see al the red flags. Humans are blind to many things, not only the vulnerable ones. The ones who are better at it are the decades long studying it or psychopaths and predators.

[@cubicqe]

EXACTLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@OnsKleinGezinnetje]

My ex narc: First wife, was just divorced with small children, vulnerable Second wife: Same Me: Same.... I looked up all the exes and we are now in contact to help and heal each other

[@zepherreload]

@OnsKleinGezinnetje I was in contact with her ex for a while but he wanted to let it settle first, then out of nowhere he blocked me, I know she found out about it and must have said something to him! But I still have his messages telling me she was violent and a narc! Boy should I have listened then!

[@powerfulpowerless1587]

This woman should be hailed as “ public enemy number 1 to ALL narcissists “ she saved my life through her videos. I love you Dr Ramani. Keep up the good work 😘

[@fatnurseslim]

Same here. Now she’s educating my teenage son who has gone from golden child to enemy no 1 to my ex, for daring to have a mind of his own.

[@queenofthebutterflies5212]

She saved my sanity too. To me she will forever be a saint.

[@betinaaksoz6246]

When you are with a narcisist, you are always walking on eggshells. AND no matter how careful you are not to upset them, they always find a fault. There is no way out of it. You are being manipulated to behave the way they want.

[@roza.D.]

That's how I feel when I'm around some family members of mine:(

[@livingonthemexicainpacific]

exactly what i am living right now----

[@stephanieburgess8217]

@@betinaaksoz6246 this was 100% my experience also

[@pam1830]

YES.

[@livingonthemexicainpacific]

start to talk to them like to a little child and everything will happen the way you want. Dont listen to them. Make your things and decisions and let them do their own buisness. Dont help. Play stupid :-)

[@NoreLyne]

ew .. I was dating a man , on the first date at a restaurant he told me I love you , you’re my wife You’re mine . I told him Pardon I’m going to the bathroom . I went for a run and never came back

[@8all8at8once8]

😳

[@ryanhopwood1148]

Major massive joke/serious love bomb!!! I run from women that do that

[@marrop2760]

good for you.. most probably a sociopath or psychopath.. definitely delusional. onward soldier march!

[@JenyCampillanos]

😂😂😂 Indian guys do this, its funny

[@tingle2323]

😂

[@bumblebee_ms]

This topic should be taught to every single child around the world. It would have saved so many lives.

[@charmee4045]

should be part of high school curriculum all of these mental health issues, as well as alcoholism and addiction, run or your life will be ruined and your childrens lives as well

[@shv9029]

I guess learning a foreign language that you will never speak after school is more important

[@lilac624]

The problem is that society is allowing narcs to be parents or even guardians..

[@fatyghassem7123]

The empathy and vulnerability from this amazing woman is what makes her so unique. She has helped so many people

[@Release-the-resistance]

Empathy? I just heard her a few weeks ago saying that we shouldn’t forgive those who hurt us.

[@spamsausage]

@@Release-the-resistanceshe’s a NARCISSISM expert. Her community is specifically for people who have been unfortunately touched by narcissism. In a normal, empathetic relationship, yeah, forgive, have empathy, all the usual shit. But as someone who has been narcissistically abused, she couldn’t be more right. You don’t give empathy to someone who can’t take that empathy and turn it into growth. It’s like throwing gold into a well. It’s never coming back

[@Release-the-resistance]

@@spamsausage Empathy isn’t reserved only to those who will give it back. She’s not an expert at all. The only expert is God, and Jesus says “forgive others so that your Father may forgive you also.” I’ve been through this phase of calling people narcissists because of terrible experiences that I’ve had with people, and it got me absolutely nowhere. All it did was make me look for red flags inside every single person. The reality is that we have all fallen short of the glory of God. We can point the finger and pretend we are victims, but we are all sinners, and we all need Jesus. The temporary validation that we get to label someone else a narcissist and ourselves as “victims” doesn’t actually carry any weight, and you soon realise that the resentment you are carrying around is causing illness in your whole body and a complete disconnection from God.

[@spamsausage]

@@Release-the-resistance thats a good point. i take it you're saying i'm carrying around the weight needlessly. give it up and let something new and better into our lives. i dont think dr ramani is perfect but she certainly helps a lot of people. she was an angel in my life

[@charo2972]

@@Release-the-resistance I agree so much! She lacks empathy a lot. And she's not amazing at all. She just feels that way to people who still feel like "victims". They feel validated. Ok, but look into yourself. Why is it that you were so attracted to this person, why did you accept all that crap? It takes two to tango. What she does is not great, it makes people stay in the "victim" mode. I'm not into the "Jesus" thing like you are (no offense, it's just not what I do), but we still agree on that!

[@sarahbodibe2923]

Lesson learned from this: 1.Stop wearing the guilt of your past. 2.Stop wearing the pressure to prove yourself. 3.Stop wearing the weight of other people's experiences,expectations and judgments. 4.There is help and assistance out there.( we are blessed here with a fresh slate)... Thank you 😊

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Yes. We are worthy, on our own

[@sc33h3o3]

Thanks for cool highlight :)

[@Zuuzaankaaa]

Easier said than done…

[@sarahbodibe2923]

Its a process my dear one. Sad but true 😊​@@Zuuzaankaaa

[@raggaahmed8626]

Thanks ❤❤❤

[@myjourney73]

I was a very self aware, cautious dater, looking out for red flags and not compromising on my standards for honesty loyalty trust etc... So I am definitely stunned and shocked to realize that the person I thought was genuine, real, my soul mate, is actually a covert narc.Im literally in disbelief that I was lied to, deceived, manipulated all along....these podcasts, books, videos have been instrumental and a true eye opener to another type of horrible abusive personality who can be very "nice" but is actually extremely destructive Thank u!

[@MonaHSWu]

Going through the same. Finally left and get out off the loop. But it’s hard to leave, still resist the feeling to go back after two weeks. Its also heart broken to find out the truth…

[@smylesntears2577]

Went through something similar after being over 35 years in a marriage. Give yourself a lot of credit for figuring things out. That takes a lot of courage. Yes, the shock and disbelief are real, plus resisting the pull to go back in.Dr Ramini’s videos and Healing Program have been invaluable.

[@petra-go9jp]

I went through the same exact experience. Covert Narcissists are even more dangerous as it is not as easy to identify them especially if you had never experienced being in a relationship with one.

[@orianam9835]

Same here. Worst part is i think society consist of 40% of narcisists. Not 2%. They are literally everywhere and are a real trojan horse. Time to show them the door

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

YES. Because "Nice" usually means Fake, Phony, liars

[@cisneroslady]

The scariest thing is when you meet a narcissist who has taken psychology and counseling classes. Now, they can fake empathy and accountability even better. They are a mind f@%$.

[@pearlluber5849]

The narcissist can literally make another crazy. Beware

[@joeya289]

Are you talking about Dr. Ramani? Her work does seem to be focused on turning the victims of narcissists into narcissists themselves.

[@pearlluber5849]

@@joeya289 unfortunately I know from personal experience

[@patrickrodriguez7744]

@@joeya289why is that?

[@joeya289]

@patrickrodriguez7744 because she encourages people to turn the person they are having a conflict with into a caricature without promoting adequate self reflection. Essentially telling people to protect themselves from "narcissists" by becoming one. Reading the comments section on any video she's in I see some of the most narcissistic people on the internet

[@l.5832]

@@joeya289 People who have been abused by a narc are possibly the most self-reflective people on the planet. They have always been told it is all their fault and they must fix it. They were told this since they were born. If you are in conflict with a narc, no amount of self reflection will help. Narcs never want a resolution so you will never get one regardless how you approach it. And if you think lack of self reflection alone is what determines a narc, you don't know much about narcs. I have had several in my family and at the suggestion of a therapist I have read and researched them for the past 7 years. It is a very, very complex disorder and much more than lack of self reflection.

[@ihatecucumbers7540]

Slowing down is hard in a world full of instant gratification and fear of missing out. We want everything now and fast

[@katcollins8296]

Thank You!! I will be getting your book!!! You have already helped me so much with your many KZbin presentations!! 🎉 Congratulations on your book ❤

[@LouisaWatt]

Too true. And the apps reinforce that system

[@DellaDykeborn]

Aside from FOMO, there is suspense and anxiety, and we might rather rush headlong and destroy everything rather than take it slow and end up with the same result.

[@Silirion]

Awareness of this allows us to search for a better option and set a beneficial frame for ourselves. We are only victims until We realize What the deal is, then its up to us individually to look at a different approach

[@natalieohlsson7777]

Yeah, but honestly, it’s wise to discipline ourselves to be patient and prioritize our lives.

[@everythingaboutestonia]

in the beginning, they usually do 5 things: 1. love bombing (they physically love every piece of you, they compliment you etc - everything is about physical part of you but never tell you anything what defines you as a human - i like how you treat others etc, only your physical body and appearance) 2. they listen a lot but they dont say much factual things about themselves (just a big bubble what you want to hear). after a while you think - what do i even know about this person? every chance u ask about them, they try to tell you a whole lot a lot but at the same time nothing. 3. they talk about their past relationships always in the way that they were flawless (even if they werent, then their part was so tiny and their partner was the problem). 4. they always wanna spend time with you (almost every day, all day) and once they lose interest, all of the sudden, you dont hear a thing from them. 5. they talk about future but once their reality about you crushes, then this future they told you about is a whole big lie. they do it to make you have a feeling like u have a long term relationship with them. edit: i had to clarify my thoughts since some people had hard time understanding the bigger point. once this lovey-dovey phase is done, then they start to comment your appearance, how you speak, whom you are freinds with, where you go etc. slowly mocking you. then they start to be mean to you out of nowhere and then they blame you for it. eventually they become physically abusive. it escalates very fast.

[@roberth4395]

Keep in mind that good ppl also do the 5 points above. If you avoid ppl like this, you will also miss out on the best ppl, so you better learn how to actually spot a narcissist. Once one marks you, it will be able to spot them. They are all the same demon.

[@everythingaboutestonia]

this is textbook narcissism :D thats what she talks about in every video. if you think this is healthy, you need help.@@roberth4395

[@judithhorvath887]

​@@roberth4395I guess I was very dense in the head because I had 3 back to back relationships with Narcissists. The last one totally did me in. I stopped dating. I couldn't trust myself to get emotionally attached to another narc. Only after the last relationship did I start to try and figure out what had happened in my prior relationships. I noticed the similarities in the 3 narcs. This started my learning about the cluster B personality types. I finally understood and got clarity about my narcs and about myself.

[@solfh]

Really? Is actually the contrary.. they talk about their flaws so they trap your empathy and you can relate to them. They say they suffered in previous relationships so you think you are the first good thing that happens to them. They do not paint anything pink, so you believe they are being honest and themselves. They are never clear about the future. And they do speak about themselves a lot and share their life so you dont think they hide stuff. BUT they show their true colors after you believe all of that.

[@spesch03]

You literally took the words right out of my mouth! Perfectly said!!!

[@Aneedanothaone]

12 month cleanse after a narcissist relationship! I’m still cleansing years later but happy being single to tell the truth

[@dawnmoore7328]

There are always pros and cons to everything. There are a lot of pros to being signal. :)

[@irisnavas6464]

I want to get to this point.

[@moonchild66]

Love to you❤

[@user-ex8hu1ix1c]

How long were you together for? I was with my first narc and it was only 8 months and its so hard to detach

[@parusudi1]

Dr Ramani, whom I only met through KZbin, has played an instrumental role in the most difficult journey in my life. Beginning to heal thanks to this shining light. Thank you 🌹🙏

[@hanaurbanova1348]

Same here she is incredible ❤

[@sandracaezza7234]

Ditto. My daily self help. So many need this info

[@NaNa-re3wc]

Narcissistic relationships are sustained by the abuser getting the recipient of the abuse to repeatedly betray themselves. It is so hard to build that trust back with yourself after this type of abuse.

[@ingridtully1780]

Lust is lust and often time, we play dumb to ignore the red flags. Take your time to get to know someone and no s3x involved too.

[@desertrose111]

46:00 She brought up a good point about how narcs usually enters your life during a vulnerable time or event and exploits that with loveboming before they move on to next victim. This reminds me of the zombie movies like Resident Evil. So try not to date when you are at that point in life because you’d be more susceptible to the narcs or covert narcs.

[@bm5_5_5]

This is solid advice. It’s best not to date when you’re super vulnerable because your guard is down but not down in a healthy way, down where you feel incredibly weak. That’s where those types of people can come in and prey on you easily. It’s best to heal yourself a bit and then you’ll attract a decent person similar to you.

[@desertrose111]

@@bm5_5_5 Not people, zombies 😉

[@bm5_5_5]

@@desertrose111 This is a good interpretation. I always think of them as vampires that’s how I see them.

[@bridgetmenham6686]

Wow yes they do..and get info from you about you're heart and the desgard fase they chuck all that back in yiure face xx

[@michellestevens9750]

I wish I'd been warned when I was 21

[@ericameyerchandelieralves]

Slowing down helped me to heal a lot. They never let you rest and they always keep you rushed and busy and you're not allowed to rest. I was constantly exhausted and it was never good enough for them or my efforts valued. Once I saw the relationship for what it was, radical acceptance, I started slowly carving out my own schedule and stepping back day by day to get myself sorted. They suck all of your energy and then blame you for not being miss sunshine. But radical acceptance helps you put everything into perspective. It helps you get some of yourself back, even while in the toxic situation.

[@angelinehernandez4838]

Radical acceptance is key for sure 🤘🏽

[@stavokg]

This rush thing was my experience as well. I spent nine years living my life in my husband’s temperament, not mine.

[@JustdoyouVaan]

Exactly what I'm doing now, slowing down my days. Especially when I couldn't recollect my previous days, I knew I wasn't myself anymore. Even when everyone was telling me I was acting like a mad person and being rush ect etc. But the 3rd abuse was the first that I have admitted, and since my emotions are overflowing but being slow helps me a lot.

[@bronwenrussell-jones2908]

Thank you for this comment this is so true im also starting to slow down to a normal energy pace no wonder ive been so utterly exhausted

[@CorbinB-Rax]

You sound lime a fearful avoidant, actually

[@WakingAngels]

Watching this and having a pivotal thought. You will know how healed you are when you go for your next drive. I was scared to start again. Started dating a guy he would never text back during the day. Called him on it. He was aware. We had a fight split for abit. Started again. Did it one more time. Dropped him. Suddenly he felt confused. Suddenly I was clear. It was in that one moment I realized he had no regard for my feelings and what I needed/wanted. Gracefully I left. Mind heart and soul in tact ❤️

[@jadegreen1554]

Ramani and hussey is a great combination! They both have gentleness and power behind their words.

[@hadiza1]

Agreed, being accomodating and settling for less is definitely a race to the bottom.

[@barbarabuttler7647]

I often think " Happiness equals reality minus expectations" but, it is important to remember that this isn't a race to the bottom.😂😅🤣

[@mimi7914]

and I would say accommodating is a word one uses in an active way in every relationship to an extent as well as making compromises. Well, some of these compromises and accommodations really can lessen our soul growth and joyful experiences in life. Be careful what you are giving up in a relationship....I have learned ( I am older) that it may not be worth it. Live your life true to you and make a relationship icing on the cake NOT your world.

[@novairene6880]

I just can’t date. Not sure if this cynicism will last forever, but I just can’t. It is just too traumatic now.

[@ebayordie4633]

I’m starting to feel that way too

[@Belluser-we1uc5cb2l]

I stopped dating 12 years ago. I got my peace of mind. No regrets. For the first time , I put myself first. 58 years old and happy single.

[@Sunnydays484]

I agree❤

[@GUITARTIME2024]

If you're like most women, you're trying to date men above your level, and you're astonished its not working out. I'm a dude. sad to see women not dating across instead of up.

[@novairene6880]

@@GUITARTIME2024 this is not my situation. Thanks for the reply.

[@Visioneering1]

It’s so much easier for me to be single, but then I feel like life is passing me by bc I really want to share my life w “my person.”

[@aprilwilcox5065]

Dr Ramani has literally saved my life... Her videos made me realize that It Was Not Me, and I'm not crazy and gave me the strength to leave my horrific marriage to an evil narscissist

[@heat.seeker]

I hope you did go to an actual therapist too and didn't base your decision on her videos. A lot of folks misuse her videos to break up from salvageable relationships ignoring the role they played.

[@TheCallToArms1]

​@@heat.seeker Why would you want to salvage a relationship that makes you miserable? You sound like an enabler that shames people who suffer, which only makes it harder for them to do the right thing for them.

[@allongur]

To "pathologize your need" [1:27:43] is the epitome of narcissistic behaviour in my eyes. It is what makes it so sinister and wounding. Thank you for this succinct and powerful phrase, Dr. Ramani.

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

Pathologizing needs is very common today. You are to sensitive You are to needy You are a drama queen You search problems where there are any You should be independend You should be strong ( always ) It is your fault that you seeck love You should not feel that way Grow up Don't whine You are unstable Have a spine Etc We are all teached not to expect much from people, not even your from your loved ones.

[@karolinah12]

Oh God, i had an absent parent who barely saw me on & off and always on their terms. The present parent used to delude me that the absent one loves me very much. They lied to me that this toxic behaviour was "love". I grew up believing, in a way, that people who behaved this way to me were somehow interesting or caring. I am still overcoming this on an emotional level. As if i am always this kid that tries to demonstrate their worth for more attention from the absent parent. Phew....i wont give up and i will overcome. I got out of one of the most toxic & traumatically bonded relationship. I can see the toxicity now, but still have moments when I doubt myself (because the sex & excitement were so very intense) . Going after the right things does feel boring & almost dull. But i am sick of the pain too

[@asvegas777]

Yeah my mum tried to tell me growing up my dad loves me/us just can’t show it… Partially true but a terrible model for your child in terms of what love means. I’m near 40. I am now closer to my dad than my mum and know that he just never loved HER. Still in my brain early on this model of someone may be distant but still love you, can’t show it model exists and I have to actively reason myself away from it. Yes they can show it and that’s part of loving someone dammit!!

[@mpsangha]

My ex had BPD, not diagnosed but I was sure of it. Same thing you mentioned, the relationship was soooo toxic and she mostly made up scenarios in her head that didn't exist. The sex was really really really good and passionate like you said. Now I'm having difficulties with a healthy relationship but the intimacy is nothing like that of before... But there are no red flags or toxicity. It's healthy.

[@yagushka]

Thank you for sharing this. I am a mother of a girl, whose father wasn’t a good husband to me or a father to her. I thought that I was doing something wrong, because I didn’t tell her how much he loved her. She never stayed overnight at his place, he never paid me any money since we split up. He failed her many, many times. When she was 18 she changed her name to my maiden name and said that she only has one parent. I feel so sad because I didn’t give her the father she deserves

[@sweetdreams3119]

best thing I ever heard on this situation was a player type man telling a new girl dad his advice for her to avoid men like himself: "tell her you love her or someone like me will say it and she'll believe it"@@yagushka

[@deed.3230]

Well of course your mother wanted you to believe he loved you. Would it have been better for her to say listen, he doesn’t really give a damn about you….

[@natureflowadventure4158]

I've listened to her for years and that's how I came to fully understand my narc family, my upbringing, and those childhood wounds that I still struggle with. I understand and I'm aware. Narcs can be romantic partners, friends, family members, co-workers, etc. You can be surrounded by them and not know what to do. Get her book. Healing and awareness is now possible.

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Yes. We CAN learn to Manage these feelings... YAY .. So glad there is help

[@jaydenp4975]

I’m happy being single and don’t care if I never date again. Was married for 12 years right out of high school and he was a narc addict. After my divorce I dated and it was nothing but one disaster after another. I gave up and focused on my kids and career. Years later I am still single and empty nester. I’m fine being alone and happy.

[@elainehewitt245]

Me also thank you for sharing

[@massmediamanager9443]

So well said. Relationships today are truly one disaster after another

[@jirinafrankova166]

Ať least you have Kids. Others arent so lucky.

[@sarasmith1255]

She’s right and that the things that hurt us the most will never go away, but it’s being aware and how we respond. That’s where the true power lies.

[@jerrydufresne1886]

The terrifying emergence of bitterness or resentment is actually what drove me to your channel and Dr. Ramani. Every time I would want to watch something to improve and deal with the loss of a 10 year relationship the content would feel like blame gaming and victim pandering to hurt men. I don't want to be a 'hurt man' or a 'victim', I want to work on myself and not bring my trauma responses to the next person I meet. My goal is to be the partner I'd want in my life, positively impact someone else, and not to 'play the game' only to manipulate or struggle for power. Keep up the wholesome content, this really has helped me quite a bit in exiting a long relationship and re-entering the data world.

[@suzanneshervinskie8422]

All of my life my mother has told me that “ I’m too sensitive “ and I just need to let go of things!

[@1voiceworks]

My mother would tell me the same thing, "You think too deeply about everything. Just let it go" as if that resolved any angst. Now patronizing men say, "How long ago did that happen? Forget about it." We can't forget what has been burned into our psyche as we still try to compensate for damages. "They" just don't get it.

[@aminahs9828]

Same here. You're probably an empath and a person who tells you this is not an empath and in the worst case, a narcissist. It's a beautiful thing to be an empath, it's a gift.

[@Roxann-qw3nr]

Too many insensitive people in this world. Sensitivity or empaths are a special gift, appreciate yourself.

[@zah936]

My mother too

[@starseed8809]

My sister..

[@kira8267]

My intuition was telling me something was wrong but i thought it was just butterflies and hes a bad boy and im attracted to him, instead my intuition was saying DANGER! RUN! You have to learn how to tell what your intuition is saying! It cant speak with words so you have to learn your intuitions feelings or however it communicates with you. You have to learn about yourself and learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else or be loved.

[@annettemcclain347]

One thing i have noticed being around a narcissistic person, let never let u be yourself. And they never use the word we, its always I....they always look at u like , u are a peice in my life, not a person. Its so hard for me to even date. Yet if feel like im missing out on my best life, by being alone. 😢

[@1voiceworks]

A best life doesn’t need to be defined by you and someone else. When you are complete and healed in yourself you’ll see your value as well as adding value to others in so many ways, with your talent, personality, kindness, caring, love and ways to help in small and large ways or simply being one to whom others feel safe and able to confide. That really is a best life.

[@susantalebzadeh9741]

I totally understand! 2 years out. Major work on myself and still not ready

[@stavokg]

My experience was the opposite. It was “we” everything, so much so that a therapist asked if I agreed with the we opinions! My husband couldn’t tolerate a difference of opinion, or even my own interests, which were an affront.

[@patriciaberliner8050]

You will evolve into your best life by being alone and away from the narc. It is difficult because you keep missing when it was good, but just remember that it wasn't real. Playing music from the times when you were who you really are helps tremendously. Sing with it, dance with your dog. Embrace the real you, not the twisted mess you become with a narcissist in tow. It is, for the most part, horrible out there. Due to the moral and political climate, men have come to believe narcissistic behavior is admirable. Ech!

[@jlghinis]

When I realised Matthew and Dr Ramani actually met and had a discussion on Dr Ramani's podcast, I was overwhelmed with joy. A powerful duo. Matt, you've made one of the best connections in life.

[@lauramcelroy1775]

Good stuff! It's been 13 months- no dating- nothing but healing. Finally feeing grounded in myself. Dr. Ramani is spot on.

[@KatarinaBergstrom-ti1vn]

Could see it. For 5 years, The unhealthiness, the neglect. But it still took 6 years to leave. Dr Ramani is a tremendous help to explain all around these confusing relations

[@duchessdelarue5983]

It took me 20 years

[@allisontaylor315]

I was in a 3 year very toxic relationship - I saw the early warning signs …but stayed By the end my friends didn’t recognize who I became they saw a different person … My stomach started hurting like an ulcer… I knew that was the end but I still entertain thoughts of a reunion and she’ll change …. Guess I need this book 📖 Dr Ramani been following her for 5 years life saving - A stand in therapist while one heals … She’s amazing !

[@natalievitrano8251]

The most salient point for me in this video is when Matthew discusses the very delicate subject of how we "show up" in prospective relationships. This is pretty much where I am in my life. I moved on from a destructive narcissistic man and subsequently realized my mother is and always has been a narcissist. I've gone No Contact with her as well. I have worked on myself for the past two years and finally feel ready for a relationship again. The question that comes to my mind is: How do I present my genuine, authentic self in ways that balance vulnerability and discernment? That's a tough row to hoe.

[@nocando89]

Love this comment!! I'm here, too. I'm sure a lot of people are. Kudos for expressing something I didn't know how to express.

[@michellebeishline4657]

OMG, the refridgerator discussion... I did the exact same thing, except I did buy the one with the freezer on the bottom. So, now I have second freezer because I do all my cooking for 3 months and freeze them. I KNEW the freezer on the bottom wasn't big enough, but bought it anyways. Super happy with my freezer though.

[@michellebeishline4657]

Working on the "slowing things down" part.

[@michellebeishline4657]

"Abandoning your own needs because of...." This is what I am focusing on. Asking one's self "How are you feeling today?" "What do you need today?"

[@ftwan5277]

Can I ask how did you get away from your mom? I'm still 19 years old and I'm scared of leaving my narcissist bipolar mom

[@elizabethvaughan4046]

I credit Dr Ramani’s videos with helping me wake up to the fact that I was actually the one who was getting abused. I know now that I was never the problem, and now I’m working towards a career in mental health. The way to make meaning out of that 10 years of hell, for me, is to help those who are still in it.

[@iranariyaee8312]

Dr Ramani’s videos helped me to get out of an abusive trauma bonding and finding myself and becoming realistic. I’m so thankful to her. Matthew and dr Ramani such an amazing combination

[@angeldip5797]

What a GIFT She is. I feel so sad for everyone, every unseen and or hurt child out there past present…future. No roadmap but thats changing. Thank you for the Work You do and to both of you for making this.

[@MysticSunflowers-2269]

The system needs to change so this doesn't continue .... It's absolutely appauling no wonder so many are struggling and hurting and taking forever to even start their healing journey .... This woman is an absolutely angel.... Helping many of us who have suffered..... At the hands of another. Or multiple times .....

[@Visioneering1]

I have been in recovery from my ex who was a narc and then met another narcissist and got conned by him, while I was at a low point. I then went back to my narc ex and he devalued me and practiced avoidant attachment. I left again. 1.5 years later I finally started dating again online and attracted a Peter Pan and a covert narc. Done and done. The covert narc was obsessed w my looks and told me before meeting that I was gorgeous and “he needs that.” Wtf!? Against my better judgment I went on the date and he mauled me at my car like a vampire trying to suck the life out of me. It was a good lesson that i am growing and sharpening my discernment. Oh ps i have a narc dad that wouldn’t even think to call me or check on his granddaughter. So he was my teacher and now the student is feeling ready to graduate. 🙌

[@alexandrapomeroy8050]

Why do people take such delight in putting others down? You Matthew and Dr Ramani are wonderful, fantastic human beings. I love telling my friends, family and total strangers how great they look or how well they have done.

[@michaelyarmas4423]

You two should team up and write a High School Psy. book! a road map for our youth

[@TheDreamingangel28]

Absolutely profound! You all touched on my 17 years living with an abusive narc, and my experiences with attempts to build healthy relationships with others at this point in my life. You have really opened my eyes. I feel empowered! Thank you!

[@Joshualuv13]

I seem to attract narcissists romantically repeatedly. Then again, my father was definitely one i eventually realised . While i have that awareness,i still can't seem to change who im attracted too sadly. So, over time ,iv stopped trusting my own judgement.

[@kattfranklin6933]

Dr. Ramani, What feels "right for me". Listen to yourself❤❤ Dr. Ramani, Your Number #1 Don't make it personal. It is biggest problem with realizing I had nothing to make it happen. Our minds are ok. My heartbreak 💔 is sad and real. I can't change nor on retrospect, I expect change since both have always lied! My life is going forward 🙂 as I deserve 😌 God bless you ❤️

[@ys4202]

Dr Ramani has changed my ability to discern and set boundaries, which allowed me to heal a part of me that was always self-blaming. She really offers a path to so much freedom in her approach to healing from narcissism, to forgiveness, and to just better relationships overall

[@KJ-ns8lk]

When you describe trauma bond it is exactly my life. It panics me to think of ending it. However, I have pages of documentation as to why I should.

[@fanga1576]

This conversation is a true gem. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

[@mo_6298]

This video is a great example of a fruitful cooperation between the two of you!! I'm grateful for it ❤🎉

[@amandaa2119]

Love Dr Ramani. I ordered her book and I'm very excited to read this. She's been a light in so many peoples' lives.

[@febutterfly8021]

Just ordered Dr. Ramani’s book. I found her on KZbin a couple of years ago when in the throes of leaving a narcissist and have been following her ever since. Dr. Ramani, your videos helped me give a name to what what I was experiencing. Through your raw honesty, you gave me back my voice. I cannot thank you enough for the work you do.

[@rosieshades6134]

Unyielding??!! Yes we flippin love you Ramani!!! It IS unyielding AND unending. You both are just fab. Matthew-there are just no words for you either, and what you do-its so helpful. And authentic. For you both to talk on such a sensitive topic as well, It was just so great to see you together as twin powers. Thank you both for helping us fellow humans on evolving and being more conscious in what our emotions and experiences are doing to us, and how we stay in it or choose to leave it!💚

[@northernfox6420]

Every time I listen to her, she touches another part of my psyche and I have an 'aha' moment. She is so insightful. (As a side note, almost two hours on those uncomfortable looking chairs with no arms? Thank you for persevering Dr. Ramani!)

[@valeriejerome7926]

I just ordered the book..It's Not You. Narc ...It's a REAL thing. Double edged sword. From this relationship I understand my mother, ex-husband had the personality. I was able to breakdown, identified, and now healing. Thank you

[@karolinah12]

My father was absent after I was 3, and my mother never admitted to being wrong towards me . Never. I always had to go to her, apologise even though when she was unfair, or abusive ,name calling me or punishing me with silence and blame. I was the scapegoat why she was unwell, depressed, had heart issues although she was a smoker & drinker. She was self righteous and told me everything was my fault in her life. God

[@cubicqe]

SHE SAVED ME......THANK YOU RAMANI !! I will buy all your books.......

[@SweetjoyNC]

This was the most nourishing youtube vidoe i have seen. The information was so interesting and delivered with ease and clarity. Your connection, your friendship , your support for Dr Ramanis book, it was all perfect wonderful and a gift to see. Thank you for uplifting me

[@cherylsibson2529]

"It's not you" could be core book lessons for prerequisite courses for your clients, great conversation there.

[@inesvazquez5564]

I just love her and this entire conversation!! It scratches all of my past issues and acknowledges that my healing is right on track!! I am so happy to finally be out of a very long, draining, trauma bond. I have learned so much about myself.❤❤

[@Specialkfree]

Re SLOWING DOWN: in the beg of my 20 yr rel w a narc, when I tried to slow things down he began what would be a lifetime of labeling and degrading me. He said I was afraid of rel, I had no exper in rel, basically there’s something wrong with me. Though I initially resisted, I eventually succumb and bought his narrative, to my detriment. But all is not lost. I got out after 17 yrs of marriage. I got sober (yes weed became my coping mechanism to deal w his abuse) and saw the light. I didn’t recognize he was a narcissist until 9 months after living alone. It’s crazy. But I made it out and I’m a different, stronger more authentic person now. 🎉

[@GoogleUser-pc6tu]

Yep, my narc, she wanted me to be with her everyday , I said I want to slow it down and just do 3 days a week , she responded “that doesn’t work for her “

[@pennymichaels7449]

What a blessing! Thank you for this video, love Dr. Ramani's work, ☺🥰🎉Just ordered her book! Can't wait to have your love life and it's not you in my journey of healing and love❤

[@mirelladlima5278]

So true one tends to normalise unacceptable behaviour due to their own unhealed childhood experiences 🙏

[@valorideekon7716]

This book is phenomenal. This is literally all of Dr Ramani’s years and years of hard driven work. I feel absolutely blessed to have her knowledge, both personal and academically. I pre-ordered my first copy and upon delving into it, I realized the “gift” I had received. I ordered 2 more copies for my daughters. Congratulations Dr Ramani ❤on the response to your fabulous new book. You deserve all the praise coming your way. You are changing peoples lives … We finally know what happened to us . And there is a way back to ourselves again. I cannot thank-you enough ❤❤

[@sheriprice]

I have just ended my first vulnerable narc relationship. Took 2 years but I’m out. I’m researching and follow Dr. Ramani for understanding. I wanted to let it go of researching BUT the way that this interviewer “sold” this book she wrote, I have to have it AND READ. So much gratitude for caring enough to really help me understand this important information. ❤

[@sharicoburn5475]

Justifying their actions, i completely agree!! We make excuses for them. Ive learned not to do this. And i have some close friends i run things by immediately and i listen to them now where i did not in the past.

[@ronnie4796]

Never dated a narcissist. The narcissist is my Mother and it’s taken me years to realize there was a name for her personality. Thanks in large part to Dr. Ramani❤️

[@JulieKnose78]

The part about the longer you stay in it, the sicker you’ll get. And how you don’t even know why you like them, it’s not a safe caring relationship, definitely describes a trauma bond. I love listening to dr. Ramani and Matthew, awesome interview!! 💜💜

[@leticiaviera1151]

Narcs are evil, they’ll destroy your self esteem and so you stay but not because you like them it’s because you really lose all self agency, love and respect

[@NancyNieves-cq7ch]

Fell in love with a narcissist and I didn't realize what he is. He is supposedly a religious person. He took advantage of my love. I had to go for therapy. I find myself texting him for every little thing. He was going to church without me, found out he was looking for his next supply. I feel so used.

[@ljrockstar69]

I can relate to what you have gone through. This sort of situation happen to me also last year, he took advantage of me by love bombing and future faking. Two months into the relationship, I realized something was off, and I did my own research to find out answers about this type of behavior, and Dr. Ramani's videos came up and sure enough every thing she mentioned, the red flags, was what I was experiencing. It sent chills up my spine and caused anxiety and I had to find an exit strategy. It was stressful and I too had to seek therapy, because I was like wtf was that? Never experienced this before, so now, I'm more vigilant and never will I let my guard down.

[@mymai5859]

Yep...then have all the traits 9f cult leaders

[@dennyfie]

Nancy mine was a Christian covert narc. She knew deceit was a no go with me but she had to try, it about killed me.14 months of abuse,I knew her from. High school 45 years ago,she burned me bad.she was pretty sweet as a high school sweetie,man life made her evil. Best to you with your healing.

[@NancyNieves-cq7ch]

@@dennyfie It's funny how these people lie. with a blink of an eye!

[@ShellySellsSTL]

Dr. Ramni is the best! Thank you for a great interview with her.

[@mcginnity4997]

Dr Ramani's KZbin videos helped me in my darkest days. Now I'm free from the pain the narcissist inflicted on me. When she said to us - victims of narc, we will eventually move on and reach the "gray rock" period, it was hard to believe. Now I've fully healed and moved on.

[@typewriter6885]

I want to hug Dr. Ramani 🤗 We would have been great childhood friends.

[@berlinholistic]

Thank you both. I walked through this alone 14 years ago with 2 babies. I sooooo appreciate this work from both of you.

[@keivahummel]

Such a great vid 🙏🏼 I seriously should watch this every day for the next month. Just found her book and excited to dig in!

[@giannishen]

Amazing job, , thanks a lot for sharing! 👍🥰👏🎉

[@lisabarder5402]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for helping me understand that I was not too sensitive or overreacting to the narcissists' abuse, and in fact, that sensitivity was a warning from my higher mind.

[@shucingjhuang2287]

I 100% support the at-least-12-month gap between relationships. It's a magic duration that I know myself ever better than before and have more insights into my life.

[@duchessdelarue5983]

when you’re older you don’t want to waste that much time

[@user-im8dt8gd2z]

This woman is amazing ! And literally saved my life 🥰thank you

[@cynthiac.castellano5139]

This is absolutely fascinating! I love it! Dr.Ramani is so insightful and really got me thinking about how unhealthy trauma bonding is!

[@susand7202]

Bravo to bringing awareness and labeling the superficially that permeates social media. The strife and competition is too much for the average young person to see themselves in a positive light..and not feel pressured by others and their peers .This perfectionist attitude is off the charts.. and a status symbol.. So shallow and ego driven with out substance and a deep connection to integrity.. I love you calling it out for what it is, very disturbing for our impressionable youth.. and their self esteem.

[@EnigmaticDancer]

Love you both! Loved this conversation, it was enlightening. There's always something new to learn from you and Dr. Ramani!💡 I would like more episodes with you two! Keep up this wonderful work! 👏

[@vandanabhogaraju9673]

Both my favourite people in a conversation on my most favourite topic !!!! Love and power to both of you ❤

[@nyxxthewry]

Be your authentic self, but also be self-aware of the energy you're showing up as and what it signals.

[@stephanie1123]

"The more time you spend in space of unacceptable behavior the sicker you're going to get." I felt that. So true

[@jeanniemedlock9493]

Truly grateful for you both!! Thanks a million. Going to get the book and for other family and friends that have been through the narcissistic experience.

[@marciabrabbs5284]

SO much of this also applies when working for narcissistic managers (toxic management)! *

[@wejoin]

Excellent podcast Matthew! I’ve been a Dr Ramani fan for at least six years now. I’ve learned so much. She’s fantastic!!

[@Butterflieslove2]

Me 3 years, when she has less than 1milliom subs

[@gina_italygirl7247]

Thank you Audrey for the question around selfishness vs narcissism. Very enlightening

[@autumnbrooke1721]

Love her channel and yours : thank you guys for making this ❤

[@ginnethmartinez1962]

I just started reading the first chapter of this amazing book

[@Diabeteslovewithdee]

Wow, Dr. Ramani is an amazing therapist! Thank you for sharing this video, Matthew!! I will have to buy the book.

[@embodiedgoddess5994]

Oh this is so helpful, the two of you together informing us. At 1 he 34 seconds is exactly what I’m feeling after five months away from a narcissistic relationship “ complicated grieving” . The doc’s response pulled me back into being anchored in the reality . Thank you!

[@blacksea245]

Matthew asks such thoughtful, wonderful questions.

[@mjblazy]

Thank you for having this conversation. I’m reading the book 📚

[@nelldowney8204]

I loved this interview from beginning to end! I so love how the both of you interview each other, pull out each other’s expertise and perspective and the intersectionality of dating with attachment trauma. So many gems in this conversation and I love seeing the mutual respect and love for each other. Thank you both!

[@SwahiliSpicE]

Just started watching but initial thoughts, boy did I need this over 10 years ago before I got trapped for 8yrs+ and 2 kids later, left a couple of years back.

[@lf3554]

Kudos for getting out!

[@dennyfie]

I have been educating people on this topic.many people my self included don't know about this kind of torture. I have about 1000 hours study on dis orders. Very abusive

[@maggiesalle2256]

You are right! Dr. Ramani needs no introduction! I just finished her latest book!😊