Gray Rock vs Observe Don't Absorb. The Rock Loses! Don't Wrestle with the Pig!

[@lydiad2126]

It’s true that you can’t ever get a narcissist to lose interest in you. Even if you manage to get away from them, they will continue to trash you and try to diminish you in the eyes of others. But in a way they’re doing you a favour because anyone who believes them is not worth knowing either.

[@markseyfried]

Yes!

[@simplygrateful4494]

It’s been 5 or 6 years now since I’ve been around my malignant narcissistic family. Ross is one of the KZbinr’s back then that educated me regarding this mental illness. I was horribly scapegoated. I agree with what he’s saying here however no contact is the best answer along with educating ourselves on NPD and codependency. Reading everyones comments reminds me of my old self. I didn’t think I could survive life without my family. But today, OMG, my life is so much better. It’s the little changes every day that will add up and change you into an independent, self loving, proud to be you, human being. I had no idea back then I could be the person I am today. Have faith and do the small things to make your life better every day. It will add up, I promise.

[@simplygrateful4494]

I’m talking to those of us raised by a narcissistic. It took me 53 years and KZbin videos to realize what was really going on. I use to stay away from them for a year or so and after a while my self esteem would feel better and I would think ok I can handle my family again. I didn’t know what gas lighting was. I thought overall they loved me even though they did mean things. Now I know they are hollow inside, hateful, full of jealousy and enjoy hurting anyone they see as happier than they are. They were not who I thought they were and have nothing but hate and distress to offer me. I know they are lying every time their lips are moving. It’s hard knowing the people who were suppose to love you end up hating, lying and setting you up to fail every time. Who wants to believe that is true? I know I didn’t. I know they enjoyed fooling/lying to me but you know what, in the long run they’ve hurt themselves far more than they hurt me.

[@jacquelinegrace3]

@@simplygrateful4494 Thank you for this!!! You just put my exact same experience into words! Two sisters and a mother who I thought I could never live without… I’m still wondering… It took me 54 years and KZbin videos… I went no contact about 10 months ago. I’m 55 now and it hurts less than it did before to realize that I have to let them go. Although it’s still a little unbelievable. I love the part where you said you would take a year off and then go back… I never took that much time off but I did seem to put big spaces between visits, and then I would feel stronger to deal with their shallow comments and superficial conversations. I still don’t know if they know they’re doing it or if it’s unconscious… They have communicated through other family members that they’re confused and don’t know why I’m being distant… Despite the fact that I have brought up issues multiple times over the years they’re still acting dumb. Anyway I just wanted to thank you! At first it was an unacceptable thought to me, to not have them in my life! We used to call ourselves the four musketeers! After a very painful year of feeling alone and isolated… I can tell I’m beginning to heal. Although I still find myself alone a lot and wish I could make friends with people.

[@lalaland2870]

I have noticed that “grey rock” although helping me not to react inappropriately, has caused an increase in passive aggressive manipulative behaviors. It’s really weird to behold.

[@herewegokids7]

It really ups the ante for some of them

[@mannyjeanpierre4062]

Its blatantly obvious that your passively changing. They sense it and it kills them even more.

[@tuvoca825]

Some punishments come much later and secretly, so you don't realize why they happened. They plan it and then they do it much later, so the target often doesn't know why it happened, because it was an internal thing for the abuser/narcissist. She isn't nuts, she is just abusive. I saw her do it to a kid and planned to kick them off the bed accidentally, and I don't remember the cues but when they interact with others and are distracted, the cues are easier to catch.

[@YesPlease1]

Well...grey rock is in itself passive aggressive and emotional manipulation. They could just be matching your energy.

[@groovy-momma418]

Same thing happened to me. He then started staying gone longer and when home stayed in his room even all weekend. TV, ignoring me, drinking all in his room the entire weekend. 😒 I am out now but he still does this by causing me financial problems/abuse and therefore still has control over me, even though I am no contact and have been for 4 months. Wishing you the best and I hope you are out, or soon will be. Be safe 🙏 ❤️ hug 🫂 🤗

[@Chrysopal88]

I practiced "Observe don't absorb" all the time since I was a very little child (without knowing it) with my mother and she got so angry all the time because of my way of simply stay there, saying nothing and waiting for the earthquake to end that she became physically abusive and aggressive.....I never defended myself also when I lost hairs, got hematoma all over my body and way badly injured.....I just discovered about people with pathological narcissistic syndrome some weeks ago (I'm 48 years old now) as I had my last abuse going on with one my clients and I wanted to learn to set boundaries.....this is liberating - now I can understand and learn more about my human experience so far...thank you for all your inspiring work and sharing - it changes my life!

[@tammylovell]

To me grey rock means not engaging in exactly the same way as observe/absorb. I see it as not taking the narc's bait and giving no reaction. I didn't see it as fighting back.

[@marymastandrea2640]

Yes it's not a fight back it's a get stronger and pulling away

[@newbeginnings313]

I am interested in hearing more about the false power syndrome. I think I have experienced this and this is the first time I have heard it described. There have been times when I thought that because I was cognizant of the narcissist abuse, I thought I could negate the impact. This is not true. It will ALWAYS eventually wear you down to a shell of what you once were. It will be slow, but steady over a number of years.

[@mamat1213]

In my experience, ex narcs are patient and never really give up. They discard, but always believe you belong to them and may eventually come back to collect what they believe is theirs. If you go grey rock, it could work if the narc is not in your life.... but you'd have to forever be "dull", unattractive, uninteresting, undesirable etc if co parenting or working with a narc. It has been almost 4 years apart from mine and he STILL periodically attempts to reconcile, as if just picking up a book he set down or something. It doesn't help that I ended things, so there is perpetual injury and victimhood... I am exhausted of "playing dead" to escape but hoping to find better long term strategy

[@tootienottoofruitie1726]

Once a narcissist always a narcissist ♥️

[@Thankful305]

It is 100% EXHAUSTING! They are relentless Been trying to get divorced since 2019 it’s been a never ending battle of him finding ways to weasel back in. Throwing away my most treasured virtues-- compassion, empathy, kindness has been the most difficult. Isn’t that their goal though? To get us to NOT be that person. To destroy those virtues? Hard to turn off the person God created us to be! It’s a dichotomy, a challenge I hate; And they know it!

[@nikkic83]

Watching your videos have given me many ah ha moments. I just had one and thought I’d share. One of the reasons I’m so attracted to narcissist is because the love bombing stage unconsciously provides me with an abundant source of what my brain perceives as “love and attention “ that I did not receive as a child. Because I did not learn to love myself, any perceived love and attention whether it’s over the top or handed out in bits and pieces is gobbled up like a starving child. Narcissist know how to manipulate my deficit to their advantage.

[@TheMary0831]

I only use grey rock for work. I will never be in a close relationship with a narcissist again. The ones in my personal life I go no contact (including one family member). Yes you are 100% correct that it's useless to engage. I have healed myself to the point where I have no interest at all in being around narcs and I totally spot them now.

[@Booboonancy]

These past few months have been as painful as they have been an eye-opener. I must be trauma crazy-glued. My mental health is at an all time low and yesterday, after inadvertently making an “insulting”comment, I was provoked into an argument. Much to my regret, I engaged because I saw red. Then I was told “ do you want to keep going like this ? Who do you think is going to win this ? “ the look I got actually gave me goosebumps for the first time in decades and I sheepishly answered “ you “. Thank you for what you do for people who are truly hurting and who may not have a support system.

[@andreeadamask6585]

I too got into another round with some pigs and I am not proud of how I reacted. But seriously sometimes you have to say it to their face the blunt truth, what they are what they do and how they make people feel. I am not proud and I feel I did wrestle again with pigs but given that You dont know whether these creatures will receive Karma for how they behave, at least I gave them a piece of my medicine. but I agree it does not work always and it causes stress.

[@Booboonancy]

There is no winning because they will always escalate and it could get dangerous but at least you get to vent a little. Sadly, these damaged people have no common sense switch. Nothing is ever simple nor easy, nothing.

[@nathrose7612]

@@andreeadamask6585 Oh yes they will do not doubt it.

[@keisha772]

Emotional abuse and psychological abuse are forms of domestic violence...RUN!!!! SAVE YOUR LIFE!

[@GodsSparrowSpeaks]

Yikes !! I too have made a silly comment that instantly escalated into disaster - but the scary part, is he also uses the “Who do you think is going to win this?” statement. I always thot relationships were about communication and compromise... His way or the highway ...

[@GodsSparrowSpeaks]

I’ve received more vital, life saving information in the first 6 minutes of your presentation than the last month of learning videos. Thank you so much.

[@wandah9468]

I thought "observe dont absorb" WAS grey rock!

[@kovenmaitreya7184]

Same, lol

[@radiorebel8223]

“Don’t use grey rock it doesn’t help, instead do (proceeds to describe grey rock as most explain it)”

[@marymastandrea2640]

It is i kind of disagree. When there are times when you have to deal with a person in your life you give them back their own ghosting they will eventually come back with a new attitude if they can possibly learn to change their behavior and step up and see you're not tolerating it there's no more fighting there's No More tears there's no more crying there's no more begging there's no more chasing. fine but in the meantime you're getting stronger and more independent may take a couple of weeks or months of you ghosting the whole idea is to get yourself stronger why do they not behave that way to other people they will have to learn to change their behavior. Or they're out

[@wandah9468]

@@marymastandrea2640 You're willing to hassle with their bad behavior. I admire your approach. Unfortunately most of these jerks wont change. I dont give them a second chance, they know better. Kicked to the curb with the trash. I dont have the time. Too busy looking fantastic!😎😁

[@leefroml.a.8679]

Great video! Very in-depth and accurate. I think that if you heal yourself properly so that you are loving yourself, then you will automatically become "boring" to the narcissist. This is because the focus will be directed towards oneself, instead of the narcissist. This is different from the gray rock technique, where the affect is temporary and it's not coming from a place of a secure self.

[@stephanielove4469]

Just make sure you do that before your married. This only works well during dating early on however once entrapped not a good tool. Healthy self love is imperative.

[@Jordan-ot7qf]

Stephanie love thanks Stephanie

[@hazelmeera5288]

I listened to your above video. I was brought up in a dual narcisstic family and severely abused by my caregivers . Once I grew up I found all my siblings are either psychopaths or sociopaths. After listening to your above video I have realised that they have followed the grey rock method for their survival since childhood.that is carefully avoiding passively and manipulatively avoiding the narcistic caregivers. I came to know about the term narciisst after I had already solved the mystery of my own life. That s becoz I used to think Narciissm is about Narcotics abuse and I used to carefully avoid the articles on it. I fully agree with your video that the Gray rock method benefits none other than the narciist itself. I think the grey rock mthod was highly entertaining to my caregiver. narcisst.

[@TheKak933]

Thank you for clarifying the difference between the two ! Grey rock landed me in a far worse place than I was in prior to trying it. GR only worked to enrage the narc...and further confuse me

[@RobD-jq7ry]

I ended up spending 3 years of just going through the motions and avoiding the narc. It was used against me as if I let them down and furthermore was the most empty I had ever felt. I still wish I could save her but realize now things were never what I thought they were. So no saving is possible...no changing is possible. I could manipulate and take the upper hand. I know I could. I know how but then what do I become at that point? Theres no gold at the end of the rainbow with people who are afflicted with the issues/tendencies. They never were real when you loved them and they met your needs. They are real when you are getting abused. That's a tough pill to swallow but one must. It will only get worst.

[@curlytopkitty2468]

Made me feel poorly too.

[@samson1073]

Very true, the best advice ever, to take a step back, Observe, rather than absorb the relationship!

[@toniraeatchley525]

Ignoring is effective but they always try to get your sight back on them or think they do. They use flying monkeys, walk in front of you, drive by your house, talk to someone you are talking to WOW for real.

[@RossRosenberg]

That is induced conversation! In case you haven't watch it: kzbin.info/www/bejne/d5i2fa2anbF4eZY and the second part: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aJCVqaurhKqmkNE

[@toniraeatchley525]

Thank you Ross for your direction. Thank you for these videos too.

[@theforeigner6988]

Thank you. This gives me hope again. Leaving my narcissist is not an option at all for me.

[@darthbaesiannn]

You can't leave them at all? Please stay safe

[@initforlife6108]

After my narc sister manipulated, love bombed and triangulated with my daughter and daughter-in-Love for "helping" with my grandson's baby shower (Sept.), all in one hour, I sent the following text. The text is bc I only communicate with her in this way. She tries other ways that I have stopped. I am grieved by the loss of relationship (sick as it was, but she is my 10-yr younger sibling) but I experienced her last straw. This kind of message is direct, not unloving and effective until her next attempt. Thought perhaps you might appreciate. "I understand you have expressed interest in helping with Keefer's shower. Thank you for your offer, however it won't be needed. We will look forward to you being here and enjoy attending as our guest."

[@sandys2672]

Thanks for the video. It must’ve been hard to concentrate in there. You did a great job finishing your thoughts. I tried the gray rock method, it helped me calm down. It gave me confidence, but I quickly learned that I needed to turn it into the observe don’t absorb technique if I wanted things to really change for me.

[@simev500]

Grey rock is the stealth mode that allows the codependent victim to take brief but much needed respites from the PN, not a permanent solution. If it is used methodically, it can help one maintain some strength while discreetly seeking a more effective way out. No single method is going to work on its own. Improvisation and cobbling different ways to experiment is more productive, and using your own initiative might have a stimulating effect that could propel you out of that hopeless mental state you are in.

[@Finnlady77]

Thank you, Ross. Hopefully one day narcissism is taken so seriously that we could also keep children away from those devils. I don't see any reason to be in contact with a narcissist even if you have children with them. It's self-love to know your value and not let anyone to poison you with their heavy energy. I think it's also important to be honest to your children and tell them that their other parent is a very bad human being without hate or bitterness. They will maybe understand it one day.

[@stephanielove4469]

Thenightsky*** it is heavy negative energy exactly. They are cancerous.

[@ambergerbuns]

I understand too well the heartbreaking challenges of coparenting with a pathological ex. I watched my (narcissist) mother battle her narcissistic exes for many years for many children. I also had to release my own children to a very bad, scary man - a man they believed hung the moon. For my part, my children are nearly grown and are fabulous human beings. Furthermore, their father took over the bulk of raising them as the covert abuse from my second husband fully conquered my mental and emotional health. The kids love their parents unconditionally, while also acknowledging and forgiving our flaws. They know what he did. Never stopped loving him. I neglected them and allowed an outsider to hijack all the love and attention they’d come to expect from their mother. All that aside, it was actually my ex who pointed out to me many years ago that children are formed from two individual people, and therefore are very aware that they are half mom, half dad. Telling a child one of his parents is a very bad person will create feelings of shame, self-doubt, self-hatred, and confusion in them. Especially if they never get to judge for themselves how this 50% contributor measures up in their eyes. You cannot take away their agency and inform them they’re half-evil.

[@everhopeful3957]

Thankyou so much ROSS I really can't thank you enough , I fought the pig tooth and nail in the cage but until I saw your videos on SLD and ODA methods , I would strongly advise everyone in these situations follow your guidelines not necessarily to the letter/ word because it depends on your own particular circumstances , disconnect from this person and observe there every move and slowly get an idea of one : repeated behaviour Two: objectivity to that behaviour . Three: build your own strength through your own realisation that you can realise the actions are not just about them it's about you too . Don't give in to your weaknesses.

[@GaveMeGrace1]

Thank you- the hardest part (for me) of not fighting back occurs when I get focused on how much of my time the verbal haranguing designed to draw me into fighting wastes (it used to be the insults and shame, but your technique helps). Instead of my habitual stonewalling, I’m increasingly practicing Mr Spock 🖖🏼.

[@cainoble]

He looks so happy in this video. I find this very hopeful.

[@michaelmoreton5042]

There is a world of difference between the work and domestic setting. At work GRing is an excellent tactic aided by the fact that there are other targets for the narc to torture.

[@salonika101]

Thank you Dr. Ross for the video. I like to read the description box too. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.

[@arsenalx7799]

No duking it out with a narcissist. Yeah I learned that too. When you're playing a game of chess being world class powerlifters won't give you an advantage or UFC fighter either. It's another game. In a way you got to be a sniper in a ghillie suit and you got to be almost invisible. I learned the hard way what you're saying is true. Unless somebody's actually willing to go that extra mile and be a real sniper and just end the narcissist. But generally speaking that's not recommended in most cases.

[@Keys7]

Grey Rock is a defensive method. Observe Don't Absorb is Offensive and is THE ONLY way to deal with a Narcissist. You should be always be in Self Control. Grey Rock is coping technique, Observe Don't Absorb is a complete shift in thinking that produces POWER. Huge difference.

[@bless6439]

So gray rock seems to be a short term solution for people who won't be in close vicinity of narcissists very much longer. It was my way of avoiding being lured into conversation when I first moved into my aunt's house. It worked. For a sec.

[@tanvir2118]

Wow, Mr Rosenberg, you are Brilliant, seriously i have bought your book too and wanted to this video and all of your videos is amazing and helped me a lot to understand to clear my head and move on with my life. Thanks a million for your help.

[@rebeccablankenship4710]

This is so so true. I wasn't ready to hear this not that long ago. Thank you for all the work you do to get these important messages and insights out there. I remember watching many of your videos when my marriage to a malignant narcissist was coming to an end about 2 years ago. I could hear the truth in so many things you said, but the self hatred and victim mentality that I had made it impossible for me to really move forward in the right way. Instead, I ended up learning the hard way that the only solution is to learn how to love yourself. I'm on that road now and I can finally say that, for the first time in my life, I don't have a "pet narcissist" of any sort in my life and I don't have that desperate, sinking feeling about being alone. I know I'm enough just as I am. WOW, that's huge! Even seeing that I wrote that is shocking, yet satisfying. I had to stop seeing myself in relation to narcissists in any way, shape, or form. I had to just start living life and stepping back and observing myself as a human. Then, I could truly see that I am a worthy and whole person. It's much easier to set boundaries now. I still often absorb and react, but I'm learning! Thank you again, Ross!

[@puresoul1368]

Thanks to the way you are passionate at helping the victims of narcissists be liberated. I learnt from your earlier video on oberve dont absorb and its realy worked for me. My emotions dont run wild as b4 coz av become aware of many of the triggers. Keep doing the good work Doc.

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

Isn’t that the same thing as grey rock? The end goal is the same. You could call it being “Zen.” They’re all pretty much synonymous. What you call it isn’t important, as much as the fact that all of these techniques have as their end goal to teach you how not to become emotionally entangled with the narcissist. I respect your observe don’t absorb technique. It’s very popular on KZbin and has become a coined phrase, but none of these techniques is mutually exclusive. Please correct me if I’m wrong. Thank you.

[@watchalong7404]

I never knew I was going grey rock, it's a lifesaver for a kid growing up with a narcissistic parent in a co-dependent marriage. Some aspects of my mind didn't develop because of it though, as much as it saved me from turning into a narcissist, it also holds me back to this day. Thank you for making this video Ross!

[@yaquelinllerena9239]

Ross I just want to say thanks to your videos and your books I do your Technique observe and don't get involved and it works wonders for me I am not involved in the fighting ring anymore and I can tell it bothers him so much. Is the only way I have my Health in my sanity back. Thank you.

[@dorisdelaney466]

Thanks for your insight it was so spot on and spoke to me self love

[@fatimaWr2]

ODA is much like the path to enlightenment, the Buddha’s way, just used in dealing with a narcissist. You observe everything in the outside world but don’t react to them, you just observe. That way you will not be emotionally controlled by the external world, you will remain calm in your inner world. Practicing meditation regularly really really helps.

[@kreese316]

If you want to skip the intro, go to 6 minutes 40 seconds

[@markopetrov511]

Thank you!

[@jbr84tx]

After all the pain and misery being in a relationship with a narcissist has caused, how could one ever be attracted to another? Once you retrospectively see all the red flags you ignored, you will be on the alert for them when considering someone to develop a relationship with. I agree developing self-love is a necessary ingredient. Without that, you'll be satisfied with crumbs.

[@msliberated3899]

💯

[@katriinagrant9510]

Thank you very much again, Ross. It was kind of you to share this, even if from an airport. Most valuable information. ☀️

[@avadea5296]

it's just like with your physical health: if your immunesystem (selflove) is strong, no bug (narc) stands a chance

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you Ross. It has helped me a lot and makes so much sense. Recovery from narcisistic abuse must begin at a point where it all started which very often is in our childhoods. We need to heal the root cause which is the self-love- deficit. Yes, This is it. Take care.

[@Schquirl]

Okay I'm new to your channel and I've binged watched several videos today. When you talk about hair that gray rock doesn't help the relationship or the codependency. So you are totally correct! My husband never talks to me and gets annoyed if I talk to him. We don't even discuss schedules. He'll get mad if ask any questions and if he doesn't get me at a drop of a whim when he wants me even though I work several jobs near full-time. He is so selfish he doesn't even know my work schedules. So when I did this gray rock method (but I didn't know what it was) I did It for my sanity to keep the peace for about a year. I found out he can go that long without sex as well which is really sick. The gray rock method only made me more depressed and lonely and almost desperate for anybody else which was scary. I didn't go for anyone else because I'm sure I would still attract the wrong type. So I will be getting your magnet book ASAP today even if I have to search a 50 mile radius! Also going to binge watch all the self love recovery videos. Thank you

[@TheMichiQuinn]

The human magnet view makes so much sense. It’s why I went from one man to another that was like this. And I’m also discovering that the reason I also put up with the behaviour is because my mother is the same. So she set the stage for me to accept that this behaviour was completely normal, when it isn’t. Now living with her again as a 39 year old I can see this wasn’t just me and other family members have agreed. That she is draining.

[@craigJPhoto]

I was pissed off blocked my narc and then ran back only to be blocked and discarded for a new man. she came back with a very vindictive email for a hoover. i went crazy for a few days and finally freed myself by talking to my mom about what i went through, i went from hysterically crying for days to angry , accepting and peace :D yay me

[@maryam-rx2hu]

These information are like a sun makes my day full of light. If I was not receiving the information from your channel and some other very good channels ,I would have finished with MS or other kind of hard illness. 🙏🙏🙏🙏💗

[@SheCanSmile]

Explains why they never seem to want to leave a person alone no matter what. The enmeshment and engulfing will last even after you die. So, my understanding is: they do not have the ability to move on from you, despite all this peacocking and bravado they portray?! WOW. Explains why they cannot reach healed people and that is why as codependents its vital to heal inside.

[@dustyroaddesign]

This ODA method in effect is what a lawyer has to do to not let emotions cloud their judgement when they are defending a victim in court. It keeps their judgement sharp

[@dancinina4592]

Wow. Interesting observation. Thanks for sharing!

[@makaylahollywood3677]

The fight with the wolf stops when you decide to get out of the cage.

[@amaliagkouma6270]

Its amazing because when i tried to go on grey rock with ex abuser whith whom i have two kids,i found myself stressed overwhelmed and finally abused. In this stage i went no contact. I cannot see him hear of him or sth else. He make contact only with kids. Thanku Ross. Hope i will feel so abundand in the future that my body and soul will be totally protected.

[@humblysoftlygentlypaxprofu6997]

When you heal you ll feel as if you ve graduated from the marines in flying colours! That s how I felt and proud for myself for the first time! The narc in my family is not my husband.When I read about ex- husbands I feel like giving flowers to him for not being one!

[@maryaquintana6507]

Ty Ross for working so hard from your own heart and helping me so much to recognize which was my worst enemy and why my history is so sad, ty of course for helping us to love ourselves, you are saving my life really!

[@chantelles5841]

I don’t think anyone ever said that grey rock works to get out of a relationship, they’ve said use that when you’re ALREADY free & just keeping them from hoovering or wanting them to leave you alone ! But good video thank you for your advice !

[@marinaoflight]

I succeeded with a date I had with a psycho/narc (unconciously) exact that what you explain about gray rock .. so many details I wrote down to get my mind around what happened .. I freed myself really quick! I connected emotionally coz of his love bombing but the minute I was out of his energy I could connect with my own energy again and write it down to get a clearer look at the details .. wondering about a lot of stuff .. Greetings from Holland ❤️ thank you for everything you are

[@renatoamericano1282]

Man I love you so much! THANK YOU! As a real rough guy, I had a bad life full of shame, beliving, I'm a bad narcissist, and I acted like one, but never was. It just was more easy to think I'm strong than a pussy dependent. It was like hell to me doing this evil things with empathy, I hope I'm the only one on erth. As an professional ex-devil I can tell you, you're so right. You can t win the fight, you're fighting your self. What helped me was leaving Germany and staying years alone on a foreign continent. What I found was a poor, bad treated little boy, so sweat an inocent, beginning to lough loud for hours a day. I can't tell you how deeply happy I am each and every single day in the sun. I observe this cute little boy and this strong and powerfull man every secound. AND I OBSERVE ANY HUMAN THAT IS OR IS STEPING INTO MY LIVE. And shurely that hot girls waiting at my door, loving myself made me even more attraktive. There are many green cards I can give to me a day and people in my life. That's were I spend love on. Others get a yellow and than a red one. I deeply wish to all of you happyness in the bright sunlight, leave the darkness for ever. This is what are we supposed to do. Thank you so much for your work, you some kind of Jesus! With love!

[@happylondonerwhateverthewe8324]

You’ve gotten so much better at what you do to help us. I didn’t think it was possible 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽😘💖🌈🌈🌈🌈👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽 and now my narc friends have dumped me and saved me the job 😃😃😇😇

[@LizzPaintz]

I'm sure your method works and I dont know the full philosophy behind Grey Rock, but Grey Rock along with self introspection, and cognitive behavioral therapy from a really good psychotherapist that you have a good working relationship with transformed my life more than once. Narcissists unfortunately are all over the place. Our society we live in seems to really promote it as a healthy attitude, which is pretty sad. I have found them in the workplace, all over social media, and even right within the medical profession. Ive finally admitted there is really no escape and you need to know about this stuff. Sometimes They arent really even true narcissists, but are driven towards the behavior out of sheer fear of losing their livlihood without having any other recourse just because they are a product of an environment they thought was honorable and they bide their time while attempting an escape from that!! Lol! Thanks for doing these videos. I know you helping a lot of people learn about themselves, and about the true, and often disappointing nature of human beings. I believe we are all the same deep down on some level, but finding that level in someone with strong and pervasive narcistic traits can be impossible. I am a firm believer that the world will only change if we all start from within, but I think have good avoidance mechanisms helps a lot considering the state of the world! Lmao. ✌👍

[@baljeetsingh268]

Narcissists are the king of the ring! I can not agree more. To avoid introjective identification and the consequent PTSD, applying stover and not fighting in the mud is the empirical solution to save your sanity and cut your losses.

[@baljeetsingh268]

Projective Identification (Narcissistic Evil Traits) are projected onto you and he wants you to absorb/introject these toxic attributes (introjective identification) subconsciously/subliminally which could result in PTSD. Could it be true, Dr. Ross? I would deeply appreciate your illustration on this concept of projection and introjection. Thank you. ❤❤

[@chrissyuful]

I thought gray rock treatment was about making the other person and their antics as if THEY were the gray rock, and that enables you to disengage from them and not get emotionally sucked into their drama. I didn’t learn that it was about making MYSELF gray rock, but them. Perhaps that’s why it proved effectual for me for incidental moments when the need to interact presents itself. Ideally though, the best solution is to go full no contact, but sometimes that’s not always possible. I’m looking forward to leaning more about self love abundance!

[@tammyturner7988]

You are CORRECT. They can still go on and on , listening to themselves!

[@HeyItsQuayshawn]

You're evaluating the Gray Rock Method based on a goal it isn't meant to accomplish. Gray Rock isn't for removing a Narc from your life. That is what No Contact is for. Gray Rock is for people who can't/don't want to completely remove the Narc from their life & instead maintain a minimal connection. It's also mostly used by ppl dealing with less severe Narcs, who can be tolerated with enough physical & emotional distance.

[@nancyscoresystems9151]

Timing is everything... great info great timing... so looking forward to reading the book and learn how to love myself. Thank you.

[@olvrhffmnn]

You should read your own book for the audible version.

[@lizliz8195]

This is beautiful and i want to say thank you Ross. Its beautiful because its calming it hit the spot. Ive been grey rock for 9 months now. It only makes me lonier. It works in certain trigger he tries to put me down put me down put me down insult me insult my intelligence convince me im really wrong even in simple things like direction like opening hours; just simple things simple exchange. I used to be so defensive and try so hard and explain myself and convince him back and be so enthusiastic when im right like a dog waiting for a bone. But he never gave me the validation after im right. He simply move on to another comment: something along the lines alway: hurry up, how long will you take, im busy, i dont want to waste my time, etc. Nowadays i simply grey rock and ignore his game. Altho it saves me from being hurt, i feel so lonely tho.

[@littleshoeshopper]

this is one of the most practical advise I have heard on this subject.

[@teresajohn6668]

THANK YOU DR. ROSENBERG! SO MUCH TO LEARN!

[@anotherdroid493]

I just had some pretty explosive outcomes with gray rock. Narc 2 for this year. I really like the focus on self love. 👌🏻♥️ Thank you!

[@stephaniepynes]

I have existential ocd. Maybe the worst ever. I think it was triggered from NPD trauma. My minds trapped. Loops over n over, impossible questions. I have afib from trauma. I have focal seizures from trauma. All of it an anti social prompted in me. So if any young person is reading this--iF you're in a bad relationship... RUN AWAY!!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!!! I wish I'd listened.

[@marlo9380]

Grey rock worked great for me!

[@vals74]

All of my siblings are narcissistic and I find myself alone. Time after time, I try to reach out to them in hope that they have changed. Never works out... Is there a way to overcome SLD disorder without professional therapy?

[@curlytopkitty2468]

The grey rock method made me feel poorly inside. Im using/trying oda today the first time and im a different person. Thankyou sooo much !!!!!❤

[@humblysoftlygentlypaxprofu6997]

Thank you for helping me think, dr!

[@Nima821]

Im balling. This is the best thing I've ever heard. I want your book. !!

[@1N4TuTubo]

If the "Observe don't Absorb" technique is about emotionally disassociating in a healty way from the Narc, the "Grey Rock" method should be the next step that spontanously follows next. I totally agree though with the fact that it's not the right method to use if you are a couple and the main goal is to STOP a relationship with a Narc. In fact, I personally think the GR method is very useful if you actually have to endure a relationship with that person, like a family member (mother/father/siblings).. someone who you can't really run away from, for any reason whatsoever. In a sense it's like: - "Observe don't Absorb" = End an abusive relationship and free yourself. - "Grey Rock" = Stay in that abusive relationship, knowing you are free even though you can't really go "no contact". I think they both rely on the fact that a battle is useless, if it's fought against a Narc, and they are both useful.. just, in different cases.

[@warrenbradford2597]

I need to use the "Observe, don't absorb" technique when the narcissists in my life try to get me to argue or discuss with them. I will do this, especially my narcissistic sister who loves bullying and do other forms of harassment on me. The Gray Rock method is only useful when I want to avoid talking to them on the phone.

[@stefarfa52]

You are so right on! I've come a long way.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Lately, I have realized I can't be near a narcissist; I get dizzy, my blood pressure drops or I get gut feelings like nausea. I don't even need to interact with them, just being close trigger all sorts of unpleasant reactions. I understand is my instinct but I still absorb the bad vibes.

[@caleuxx9108]

Question/topic for video - Please, would you do a video on passive-aggressive (covert) manipulation….? ….I think my brother uses this tactic but I've never heard or read about it but I think it exists though…. My brother doesn't say he does not agree with something, e.g. a plan, but then he is late or says he forgot or just does not show up or makes a big "mistake" and usually it puts me into a position of either me adjusting my time and resources to fit the situation that I am presented with or I have to say no and I look bad and like a jerk who is unwilling to adjust to another person who made a mistake. He does things in such a way that there is really no negotiation so that a compromise might be reached and actually acted out. I make a suggestion, he doesn't say anything, maybe just nods, mabe (it makes me feel like he agrees with me) but then later things turn out completely differently then I thought we had agreed upon. It feels like covert manipulation. As I've discovered this, I feel myself get really angry, when he does it, so I look like such crazy reactive codependent reacting at almost nothing. Please, would it be possible to see a video on this topic? Your videos really seem insightful into narcissism.

[@theforeigner6988]

Wow. I always try to avoid being boring to may narcissist. If she wanted to "talk with me(game on🙄)", I never thought of just escaping. How can you do that? That's not loving. That's that's cowardly. It always endet by leaving me crushed in the corner, sometimes with nerves breakdown or something.

[@peaceandlove544]

Yes, dear, mo dear, ok, dear...

[@maureengarry]

Thank you, Ross, your videos are always so helpful!

[@SunfireSol]

Gray rock = observe don't absorb. To ensure that the pattern isn't repeated however, requires therapy, self-love and/or re-parenting. This technique is mentally exhausting when it involves your parents - continuous psychological warfare while sacrificing/hiding your true self. No contact and relocation is my next option to free myself from the daily mental Jujitsu. The battle would more than likely shift to rumination of the past and awkward conversations when asked about family but, it's better than what I currently have.

[@spacecloud9888]

What if you stick to the facts until your "deathbed" by being calm at the same time. Show them that you aren't going to back down because you are absolutely sure of who's right and who's wrong because of the fact that you remember and know the facts. Doesn't that piss off the narcissist that he/she cannot convince you anyway and make them reconsider the next time they try to feed you with their bullshit?

[@Elethia441]

Gray rock is very problematic with schizoid narcissists for example. They're more than happy with emotional distance and their own space. They don't even notice us, and would rather not ask us for anything anyways. It's like playing hide and seek and not being discovered for 10 years 😂

[@christielane9637]

I love your video's and your knowledge. I have only one pet peeve. 'Excape' When did escape evolve to excape? You're a very smart man and a brilliant teacher. Thank you for all you do to help those of us trying to mend.

[@vintage-rosé007]

Christie Lane Omg ! Lol thank goodness I just saw your comment & found out there’s another like me! I love all his videos - but this one thing really really gets to me!! I was wondering how come no one else mentioned this yet! 😖 *And in my mind I spell it as ‘EKSCAPE’ - another irrelevant little detail....

[@christielane9637]

Haha! Thank you for noticing. I am simply wanting to preserve the English language. We can do this together One video at a time. Haha. Have a great day.@@vintage-rosé007

[@MrsPearlcrow]

The worst type of abuse is when they plant seeds in their own children’s mind and try to use them to abuse you more when they know the child is the only one that loves you, it’s hard to cope with that. It’s hoping they’ll see and keep distance, she needs to heal herself too.

[@tuvoca825]

I think I read something about soldiers enduring interrogations through intellectualizing or mocking or doing your own internal conversations against the interrogator. With a narcissist though, you have to know that it risks imitating your opponent to the degree you may become like them. Abusers are not nuts, just abusive. Narcissistic abusers are really bad because many of their scars are worse than physical that you can point out, defend yourself from, etc.

[@suetucker9264]

Hi, I have a couple of questions: do narcissists always insist on being in charge of the finances at home? And, is financial abuse indicative of a narcissistic relationship? Thank you!

[@MediaEnslavedNation]

in my life yeah, and in the logic, isn't money a great motive?

[@buzzingbee9499]

Yes

[@jeffersj4700]

Sue Tucker mine does. He holds ALL the money.

[@galestrayhand7040]

Mine is in control of all the money and has tried to be in control of mine when i started working, I wouldn't allow it. He threatened divorce and I said lets do it and he took it back. He's been in control of almost every aspect of my life until recently when i decided that enough was enough.

[@marcirobins5144]

Sue Tucker Get your own credit. And never share it. Also, watch the tax filings. Don’t sign those returns if you know they cheat. You will be liable.

[@sue4341]

Thanks so much for sharing this information Ross. I'm in the middle of reading your book the Human Magnet Syndrome. I will give you my input via email.

[@fractal_3]

Is this only with angry emotions? I've found myself swept back in with emotional busts, not just anger but also when the toxic type was suddenly sweet or said something compassionate. Looking back on it, it still felt like a move in a chess game.

[@karenbonnici6204]

Another problem with the gray rock may not work is because they have other people who are their fans, outside the home. So gray rocking at home would not be sending them off to a more attractive supply.

[@martiwalsh2069]

The beginning of the end of my 20-year marriage to a narc was when I told him something he did not want to hear. He was kneeling on a bed and he screamed at me that he did not know what I was talking about as he tore the top sheet off the bed for mo reason and crumpled it into a ball. I felt removed from the scene and thought of how gorillas will shake huge plants to make themselves appear larger than they are. It was a weird, unemotional reaction to a hugely emotional moment.

[@maruxmendez]

I have another quote... ¨The only way to not cry cutting onions is not getting emotional engage with them¨ (hope I translate well) so I agree what you meant... although I think the Rock may be useful (because) when you already are in the pig´s ring, and you have to combine the techniques and don´t feel that you are safe or win the battle. It´s only to get time to scape to any toxic behavior... but you definetively have to empower yourself with self love to avoid to need it. Also I try Responding vs. reacting... I felt helped me but not too much with narcissist because deliverately they pull you to the ring. Escape from them and recover yourself... Dont become a wrestler! I´m in the process, I must leave my worst pig!

[@unleashingpotential-psycho9433]

Looking Forward to this. 🔥

[@Sassenach1776girl]

Wow! Very informative! I wish I would’ve realized this 7 years ago!

[@RossRosenberg]

Glad it was helpful Sarah! "It is never too late" :)

[@andreeadamask6585]

Fabulos Channel and videos Thank you very much! I am an ACON of BPD NPD mother and enabling father. I learned a lot, and because of this reason I myself study Psychology and still do but still I have such a journey to go. :( such a Mess. Yay you gotta love them they traumathize

[@andreeadamask6585]

* years of your life, they blame also You for it because in front of the world they gotta be Mr Perfect mrs perfect ... AND they also leave you to figure out and heal yourself and fix the mess THEY their Disorder. arent they lovely? Thank You for your videos and Blessings I was lost. My fantasy as every other child was underneath all that rage and hate I have for these breed Npds and Cluster Bs I wanted to rescue my parents. I wanted my happy ending. Never going to happen they would rather destroy themselves and mock how stupid you are, for trying and how much of "Winners" are they, in life LOL. they dont win anything and live a shallow existence though many times they can go Undiscovered. If there is a God out there these creatures surely come from another side. Good or bad people can be forgiven but these simply ENJOY to destroy. they think that if they bring people to their level (speaking of pigs and wrestling! they are less lonely in their misery. Well I say they are patethic and how Big that swamp they are in must be 24/7 if they are this desperate. And deep down they are all of these things. but they can never admit it they are too Egotistical

[@groovy-momma418]

Never heard this guy before but wow, this makes so much sense. Thanks 😊

[@mandolaa]

Great video!! Scientists like you have really helped me. Thank you!!

[@RossRosenberg]

Great to hear!

[@JudahTribe2023]

Hi Dr. Rosenberg, my question to you is: can an SLD also be a narcissist (covert or otherwise)? Thank you!

[@RossRosenberg]

Hi Delasia. This Ross's video may help with your question: kzbin.info/www/bejne/h4bVloqFfrF0rM0.

[@belindarosenheim2322]

Going to look up your other videos now.