Observe Don't Absorb Technique: Keeping Narcissists Out of Your Head. The "Emotional Wrestling Ring"

[@heavenlyheartgirl1995]

When I listen to your videos I feel really relaxed and that I am not alone.

[@RossRosenberg]

I'm so glad!

[@whatsgoingon6256]

@@RossRosenberg ME too, I fall asleep to them at night because I'm addicted to them lol, and often replay them so they sink in and I don't forget... maybe you can do Narc recovery subliminals or affirmations someday... your info is so succinct and effective, its incredible!... Could you ever go LIVE and chose a topic, and text alert us when you're on? It's because I (like others) don't know how to receive updates on when your conferences or workshops will be in California, for example, or any archived ones etc... LIVE KZbins are ways for people to get more info... thanks

[@Philip-Zuco]

You are def not alone my friend

[@claudiasbarra1044]

Thank you so much. Your work is so helpful. ❤

[@natalijaslaidina7028]

Me 2 🌞

[@marlenemartin4945]

This SO ties into the scripture where Jesus says not to cast our Pearl's before the swine! Love it, Ross!

[@RossRosenberg]

Thank you Marlene for watching!

[@jamesringler987]

So true

[@ravenel2]

I think you disassociate or detach when the trigger has no effect on you and you just think they are bizarre and sick for trying to hurt you. It is as if the narcissist accuses you of having green hair when you do not. You just don’t care about the statement whatsoever, but at the same time you don’t want to interact with anyone who does that.

[@BC-xo3hf]

Can I just say that after 6 months studying this due to my personal life (like everyone else) THEY STILL DONT MAKE ANY SENSE. These people are seriously screwed up and the fact that their strategies worked so well is scary

[@BC-xo3hf]

Mr I I went no contact upon discovery but it’s the mental chatter that lingers

[@trappedinmn1]

I totally understand you! And what has always confounded me is that all narcissists use the same tactics. It’s like they all got a copy of the same playbook and the rest of humanity is just now catching on to what these toxic people are doing. How do they all know how to do the same thing? They all gaslight, they all devalue and discard, they all lie about things that don’t need to be lied about, they all have narcissistic injury and rage, and I don’t get how they all act the same.

[@karagraham9764]

They deliberately don’t want to be figured out that’s why they keep changing the rules and punishments

[@ANDROID697]

Fasting for 3days while praying for a new mind, and new heart will break the mental yokes. God bless.

[@laurieclark2456]

Lisa Swanson ya. I have a spouse. Same thing . It drove me nuts trying to make sense of it all. Nice sometimes then go in a captive rage captive audience - ( like riding in a car) it starts over nothing. Even jealousy attention with our older children. Wow. So demeaning - he has his favorites / then so rudely rages at ones I enjoy when I just give my son a steak 🥩 I bought and cooked. I can’t get a word in edgewise. Goes on his judgmental screaming rage. Yes done on purpose. . . Just about control. Wrestling with a Pig. Is correct. U can’t win. Me run out the door - cutting him off is perfect. His father was a life time marine Sargent. Mother a push over

[@jane9469]

I am astonished. I went no contact with my grandiose narcissist "best friend" and discovered she is and always has been a narcissist. I felt so much better and now, I suddenly realize I was set up for this relationship because my mother is a covert narcissist. I am keen to this now and have intense anxiety. I never in my wildest dreams would imagine my own mother hates me. I will be using observe dont absorb. I'm having childhood flashbacks, afraid of having nightmares tonight. Realizing why she cooks for my brothers, does their laundry, why my brother never talks and younger brother has ulcerative colitis. I finally understand why she never empathized with me and seemed jealous when my father held me. I understand why I never felt closure over a molestation, why she brought it up in a drunken episode. These videos are helping me sleep. As I become enlightened about this, a new love for myself is blossoming. I want to assure my brothers they are loved.

[@kateykurzawa5419]

I live local, to my surprise to Dr. Ross Rosenberg. I am looking forward to hopefully recieve some counseling in the near future. However, for the past two years, his videos have been my lifeline!!!!! I am astonished that he has released such good information for free! I feel so lucky. On behalf of us suffering from CPTSD, narcissistic abuse and codependency....thank you Dr. R!

[@milamorgan1973]

This is THE best, most informative info on PD, narcissism, and aspd I’ve read. It’s unconscionable how many therapists- even with Ph.D -do not understand these kinds of people. I divorced a narcissist/aspd physician who was a whirl of crazy and chaos in his thinking and behaving. 8 years of it! When I left he said “I am going to destroy you” snd I couldn’t understand why I, the mother of his child, was a target like that. I get it now but spent years trying to survive as he did what he could to ruin me professionally, personally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I’m sure he would have pushed me off a cliff while hiking had I stayed. I do think he wanted me to commit suicide by “destroying” me. I spent years racking my brain on WHY. I was a very good wife Altho I’m not perfect. I believe we all play a part in every relationship and when dating I chose to ignore red flags. I also had my own childhood trauma nit yet worked out so there’s that! But I tried to fix him year after year then he told our 4th therapist “I have no empathy or compassion for women close to me” was that an honest disclosure or something he thought would help him… idk. But it was my break out of my denial right then. When I married him I thought he had integrity, never lied, was the most gentle man until day two on the honeymoon I said to myself oh no what have I done? It took me 7 more years to leave…. I had waited a long time to get married ( my 2nd) but I had a long toad ahead of me too. He got married a third time 2minths after our divorce snd the custody evaluator a Ph.D therapist thought that made him stable. I kept saying he’s a house of cards! It’s a facade! No one believed me. Big man in small town. He got away with a lot. So he’s classic from ur description. And I understand him more now too. Forgiving him is hard due to what he did to my daughter. The pain he caused her. The parental alienation, the lies. Horrific lies. Ur description has helped me heal almost more than anything else I’ve done except some spiritual work with someone who got me into meditation and was safe enough that I could be me. I could speak my truth even set boundaries with her without retaliation! (I grew up with a mom who daily said I disgusted her from age 3 on which naturally led me to marry a very sick guy who has scarred my daughter). How u describe all of us including me has changed everything for me. Thank u.

[@RossRosenberg]

Thanks so much for sharing. 🙏

[@diamondgold5277]

@mila morgan I'm glad you got away safely, it's not our jobs as woman to fix a man it's impossible because that man #1 has to want to fix himself and no therapist in the world can help him, and it's probably some deep dark secrets in his childhood he'll never respect a woman especially if he never tries and picked a good woman only to destroy her, if he never fix himself the next person will suffer as well, he doesn't love himself also because if he did he wouldn't treat you that way, I'm happy you Divorced him because these monsters will have life insurance policy's and will wait years to take a target out on earth for finical gain, that's the last type of person you don't want to go hiking with on earth and have to watch out they may set up to be hurt by other people, I understand what you saying about scarring your daughter because the person I'm getting away from, threatened his own biological children with Gun, do to jealously and intimidation and he said he bought the Gun to shoot me and the police can't do anything unless he points, Your a survivor and before you jump into anything else at least you know the signs to look for, it's unfortunate in life we had to experience demonic people on earth, as we grow to love ourselves more and more, we'll find the right one, I wouldn't Marry a person maybe in life again, after teachings on KZbin from R.C Blake's Jr., Toney Gaskins, Kevin Hicks, Harrio Overtheytop, I know the characters of Men, I know the players, Grown Boy Teenager Men, a King Mentally Man, it's different types to look for and they break them down so we don't get tricked again. Ohh if they don't love themselves I'm not even sure how they tend to Love Women or Children, everything to them for personal gain and they play a bunch games no trust in these types people at all, if he's over the age of 30 he is who is....

[@mariamatheson9580]

My life mirrors yours in many uncanny ways- physician narcissistic psychopath. But he has alienated 8 of 9 children from me. He has tried to destroy me in all the same ways. I tolerated it for 32 years- physical and verbal abuse. Addictions. Adultery. He’s tried to annihilate me in a 4 year and counting divorce … appeals. Etc. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@BL-rb7jm]

My father used to say you're more of a man if you can walk away from a fight because he said it takes more strength to walk away then to engage in it. And when you think about it it takes a lot of self courage and control do not turn around when somebody swearing at you or yelling at you or demeaning you and to turn around and respond and act. And you always have somebody that wants to fight and wants to get into arguments or wants to prove their point of view just so that they can have power over you. When you walk away and you don't react it brings you a piece of mind that you can't see it the time when you're walking away that's the thing about walking away you don't understand how it's going to benefit the situation in the end. We don't want to try to be egotistical and stay around and prove our point of do to somebody could care less. I learned not to try to explain myself all the time I do it occasionally and I have to catch myself and say why am I trying to explain myself to this individual who doesn't really give a darn. It's like the Bible says do not throw your pearls on to swine are pigs because old just trample over these beautiful pearls that you have. And I used to Value Myself by other people's opinions. And now I say I don't care what you think of me it doesn't change who I am inside. And it took a long time to figure that one out. So if somebody criticizes me now it's only their opinion it's not important to me anymore what's important to me is who I am and what I know about myself. I'm still working on the fact that it gets me upset when somebody lies about me that's an insult to me. Because there's one thing I hate and that's a lie. How about a month ago somebody accused me of saying something or doing something and told somebody else and I was so upset inside like how dare you!! I mean nobody likes to be insulted nobody likes to be lied to nobody likes to be accused of doing something that they didn't do right. So I was huffing inside and I went to a friend of mine and I told the situation and I was going to go over to the other person's house and try to explain the truth what's the matter. Because as I said to my friend I never did that I never even said that I never even thought of it and my friend said don't do it don't go over and try to explain yourself to that other person just let sleeping dogs lie. And I thought about it and I thought about it and I thought about it and it calmed me down and I thought to myself why am I getting so upset over this NARCISTIC lying idiot?? And I told them what I thought about their behaviour and not to contact me again because I did not like the lies and I was going to go to the person who made told this lie to but because of my friend I refrained. Yeah and I listened I paused and I said to myself finally after 3 days of holding this inside of me. And I said what am I trying to prove myself. I know what the truth is so what am I doing this again for. Why would I care about this? I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat because I'm the type of person that believes in Justice. But I realize there's some things that you just can't control in life and you just got to let it go. You have to choose your battles. And then I thought about what they did to Jesus and what they accused him of and they killed this innocent man. So I was thinking if they did that to Jesus after all that he has helped people and showed people a different way and home nice he was and kind and loving and some of the Pharisees still did not believe in him. I thought what am I trying to explain myself over these typically stupid people that I could care less. I'm Not Jesus I never will be and if they don't believe him why would anybody believe me it's because people make their own choices people make their own decision and you can talk to your blue in the face and they just refused to even be reasonable they just refused to even notice the truth so our health is so important and when we start feeling upset and we can't eat or sleep we have to just say let it go let it go let it go don't let it bother your health.

[@Lindasromperroom]

I love your thoughts on this! I am a Bible Reader too. We have to keep trying to model the most perfect man on earth but at the same time we will never fully achieve it that’s why he died to cover over our sins.

[@PeachyKins]

You identified your trigger (ppl lying about you) you have a wise friend, if you reveal your triggers to a narcissist, they know where to target ALSO, truth never needs defending. When you defend yourself against lies, you validate the lie exists you give it power while painting a bulls eye where other narcs can get at you. Plus, defending or explaining a narc lie is like a house of mirrors 🪞 you will look like the crazy one. And protect your health and peace above all else. But it's a gift to be triggered, it's a bulls eye for us to explore and when we heal, the trigger goes away, not just ignored ❤❤❤

[@PeachyKins]

Power and control are not synonymous. Power is the goal. Control is rooted in fear. Power is from the divine.

[@fivelinus432]

I feeling like I've been convinced it is all my fault. If I point out abusive behavior it gets turned around and I am labeled a narcissist. My love for him is turning to hate after 40 years. I feel like a ghost

[@queenqueen977]

you're not a ghost. you're finally surviving by realizing its pointless in interacting with him in that intimate manner. reclaim your power and live life for you! you can do it

[@saylorgirl799]

Yep, that’s EXACTLY what my 60yo sister has ALWAYS done! She rages and gets extremely abusive, I call her out on her behavior, and she calls me a narcissist, and tells me that I’m “sick and desperately need help!” LOL

[@patriciatusay1768]

That is the pattern they use. We all suffer the same things. It’s as if they have a handbook. 🤦

[@joyb.223]

Thank you, Dr. Ross. I woke up at 1:30 this morning and watched this vid. A year ago my life was turned upside down. The Lord told me to move back to Texas near my family. Not my choice but I obeyed. I left California, thank God I did. I would have lost everything! But my mother is a narc. I'd been away 25 years and forgot what it was like. I've been having trouble praying since the move. Now I recognize her demonic vampire effect on my life. And my health is spiraling downward. This vid separated me from what I am dealing with. I am a musician and haven't touched the piano in a year. The oppression has been lifted off me. I recently found that my mother has been lying about me to family. The pig will not get any enjoyment from me! 🌝 I appreciate that you have been there. Thank you for helping set others free. God bless you. 🙏

[@tpolishgal]

I moved from California back home myself. Married a covert narcissist who made a false claims to the police and had me arrested for "stealing" his work laptop when I was looking for checks that were missing. The bank told me to get a report about the checks since my husband claimed he didn't have them. When I arrived to the police station he was there. Fortunately, the charges were dismissed but I was thrown down to the ground by the police. I still have nightmares. I was petitioning his citizenship so this was done out of revenge for my wanting to divorce. Thank God my charges were dismissed...but I believe God wants me back home because I am safe from him.

[@joyb.223]

​@tpolishgal God bless you. He will never leave us nor forsake us. Trust Him with your life, and you'll be amazed where He will lead you. ❤

[@wendySstrub815]

I grew up watching it as well as being on the other end of it. I am not that person and I don't pull that dysfunctional "skill" or "tool" out often but when pushed/provoked to the extreme, I have in the past. My abuser was professionally trained. I can wrestle pigs, but it's no victory for the soul. To know I am capable of hurting someone the way I was hurt is no victory. To be fair to myself, my perpetrator didn't allow me to choose flight over fight. I spent hours and all nighters listening to it and using all my will NOT to respond. I was a child. And I was forced to go to school the next day after being up all night listening to it. Screamed at so much I was wearing my perpetrator's spit all over my upper body. Eventually, I cracked and unleashed every bit of that pent up rage.. later as a teen I could "wrestle" cool as cucumber with that person to back them down. I could have been worse than my abuser. I have spent my whole adult life doing whatever I could to stay out of the ring. The damage I am capable of because of growing up like that makes me sick. I don't want to be hurt or to hurt anyone like that. Abuse is a cycle, so I know my perpetrator was abused as well. It doesn't make it OK, but it is possible to stop the cycle. In my lifetime, I have. I have many other issues that I potentially passed on to my children, though. Just not that one. So, I have tried to pass the torch of progress onto my children. I have been as open and honest as possible to make them aware. As I learn more, I pass on what they are willing to hear. I just want them to be aware that there is recovery (they are grown). There is no way i could have raised them without passing on ACA traits. It's scary knowing what I could have become had I chose a different path. I am so grateful I didn't lose all of my compassion for others early on. If being over zealous to hang on to that compassion made me codependent that is OK. I am grateful there is an abundance of recovery options! Thank you God. I had no human to save me when I was little! It had to be a higher power. I am evidence that miracles are real. Thank you for making it easier for people to discover healthier coping strategies. I believe that is channeled from a higher power as well. I sincerely wish you abundant blessings for doing this work.

[@frimetneustadt4644]

Wow! Thanks for the inspiration I so needed.🙂

[@jlib7389]

I really appreciate you writing this, and I appreciate all the hard work and your self development. I am sure many people will benefit from you. Hugs

[@Indrani_Mukherjee19]

I am still married to narc ;but observe don't react technique to survive;now I am at the next level oh healing;in which dr.ross has already warned in his programmes that narc would go away once I heal myself on self love.i will fight back at all cost.i can save my life. I'm a codependent but healing myself with all my might.

[@RossRosenberg]

Keep up the good work. Glad these videos are helpful.

[@audreydugan9668]

Wow "Dominating - Controlling - Punishing" ..... and in my heart rings a bell 'ding ding ding' Yes, rings so true. Of these three the most astonishing is the 'punitive' aspect, how their aim is to 'hurt you' if you bypass all the other roadblocks. Wow, some aha moments (even though good and necessary) feel earth-shaking

[@phoenixrising33]

Thanks Ross! I love this strategy. I actually used it a year ago when I found myself in the narcs wrestling ring and I knew to get out in one emotional piece I had to remain calm and observe what he said. I didn't know at the time that I was using the ODA technique. It worked! I got away from the narc ( abusive gaslighting wild boar of a brother) and I have not gone back nor have I spoken to him. But like you said, the poisonous voice is in my head. I have been trying to filter out his evil words. Thank you for teaching me how to use ODA with the old untrue mean and hurtful words said to control me and to prop up the narcs false reality and false narrative they create about themselves to hide their broken self. Because they fear being looked at as a nobody. They are pityable. I can control myself talk by weeding out the lies and believing my good character traits , by not fighting the narc, and loving myself. When I understand the motive behind their actions, it puts it perspective and I stand firm on my truths.

[@mayleneharrison691]

I have learnt more from listening to you on Utube about what I am going thru. I am so happy I can cry just knowing I am not alone and I am worthy. Thank you so much🌈❤️😊

[@annebender477]

Me too!

[@kellyjohnson7091]

Life saving and changing. Thank you.

[@RossRosenberg]

You are welcome Kelly.

[@singaporevirtualtours1101]

Thank you for all the videos. Each day becomes a lot easier because you taught narc abused victims to live and breathe life which we deserve. It never occurred to me that I was ABSORBING all these while instead of OBSERVING. Now I know:)

[@RossRosenberg]

Glad this info helped!

[@Janeal-Jones]

Thank you Ross for your great videos and time creating them.

[@RossRosenberg]

Glad you like them! Thanks for the support

[@paulineburke7965]

Thanks again Ross 💚. I have learned to diassociate in a healthy way from my son's Father, and this has allowed ny son and I to rebuild our relationship after Parental Alienation. I'm sure you are well informed about that form of child abuse perpetrated by narcissistic parents. I still have nightmares because I lost the family I thought I had built despite coming from a narcissistic family background. Now I understand that these situations are inherently connected, and I have purpose and meaning in my career as a teacher who truly listens and and empathizes with my students, while retaining my sense of self-worth. . I'm very glad that you continue to help us, and I wish you all the best. 💙

[@RossRosenberg]

Thanks for sharing Pauline!

[@LOUDSOL]

This is beautiful

[@TIZWAS]

I still struggle to keep my emotions under control when confronting them 🙏🙏🙏🙏 it’s like rage manifesting in my chest overriding my serenity ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ maybe I do need a little more time to learn namaste 🙏

[@janiemiller825]

I love 💕 it !! After going no contact with a narcopath ex boyfriend & doing a lot of healing , reading 📖 self help books 📚 etc.... I thought 💭 the exact same thing. A planned disassociation / a purposely planned detachment emotionally from toxic people as a positive coping mechanism/ tool !! Bravo 👏 Ross ... Bravo 👏 love 💕 it & this technique actually works very well in practice !! 😁

[@lrow5416]

I so appreciate your work and your teachings. They’re so helpful and healing. I’ve been gaslit by so many people in my life and I’m going through it all over again with my current boss who is trying to demean me even though I’ve held higher positions than hers and I’m highly respected by my peers. This technique is very helpful. I want to learn more. Thank you again for sharing constructive strategies for self-protection.

[@optical-illusion9996]

Been desperately needing this information for years, thank you

[@RossRosenberg]

So glad this is helpful.

[@karenrnotakaren]

It’s really hard when its a parent!!

[@borealiswan2363]

I identified my mother's voice in my head telling me I was no good and would never amount to anything. As an artist I couldn't create because of that nasty voice. I'd couldn"t paint anything, day after day. It took some heavy lifting, I literally told her to shut the eff up, to go fly a kite (to hell), called her an effing b word, that she hated anything I did because she was ashamed and afraid I'd be better than her. Now that I chased the witch out of my soul, I can practice the observed don't absord technique. But these thoughts/voices (like real voices!) can be so strong, invade every iota of your existence, of your being, that initially you might need some drastic measures to get rid of them, like blow your top, than cool down with ODA. Thanks for talking about these voices, not too many acknowledge them. Cheers

[@urbansetter1]

My mother used to tell me I was no good and wouldn't amount to anything. She was jealous and didnt want to see her kids succeed. I've been struggling most of my life with low self esteem and anxiety.

[@Nitya-r86]

I can relate! I hope you're able to shut that voice down a little with each passing day and get your artistic self back! Wish you the best!

[@tracynewton3083]

Very interesting. Im an artist, but have had no confidence to put it out there.( Mother) pure jealousy of a 12 year old, im 56 now. Do you know im actually feeling pure anger against narcs, never knew i could feel anger as i was not allowed to express anything. Where they the same to you?? 🌞. Women at work, your very thin, i cant believe how much weight you have lost, not hello how are You .

[@borealiswan2363]

@@tracynewton3083 Yes, I can relate about the anger. I have raged (by myself) against all the narcs I encountered in my life, felt so cheated, betrayed, I was lied to constantly as a child, my mother used to say "what you don't know can't hurt you''. False. Because once you know how much they've lied and betrayed, once you know the truth, --and the truth always comes out--, once you know then you get very, very angry, mad, furious. I think it was a way of holding the power over you by your mother or whatever other woman around you. Yes, ppl are jealous and envious, and they'll take it out on you. What has helped me is getting rid of narc relations/acquaintances (I know it's hard to do at work), or at least minimize interaction. And then not pay attention to what they say, shut it out, and as I said earlier literally telling them, out loud if need be, to eff off my life, repeatedly, It's like a demon you have to chase out of your soul. As for the art, yes you have to make yourself sit down and do it at first. I listened to instructional videos (art-related) to replace the bad voices in my head, and just be patient and loving toward yourself. But believe me, I know the struggle you're facing. Best wishes on your journey towards your light.

[@824twyles]

Best advice I have ever gotten. 28+ years with a covert narcissist and I’m trying to set boundaries but things have escalated. Would love to attend one of your workshops.

[@RossRosenberg]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@lyndabuswell139]

Excellent, definitive description of the "wrestling a pig" scenario and in depth strategies for not getting sucked in.Thx.so much.

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for brilliant advice Ross. It makes a lot of sense. Do not engaging in negative is key.

[@OurLadyForLife]

I'm so grateful for this presentation.

[@RossRosenberg]

Thank you for watching Cyndi.

[@Kendojin]

My goodness, I think everyone needs to know about the self talk you outline here. There's things my loving parents have told me that I feel like I'm trying to undo now. They weren't even telling me to be mean, they were trying to prepare me to the best of their knowledge out of love for me... But there's a lot of life I've missed out on, thinking it wasn't for me, and now I'm re-processing these discussions as an adult, trying to see what I believe about those topics... It's a process, but I feel so encouraged I'm on the right track, and some things you mentioned, I feel better prepared!

[@RossRosenberg]

Thanks so much for sharing Ken. Let's keep up the good work!

[@Marisaferreira122]

Thank you so much, for helping me, I am not alone, thank you 🙏🏾

[@BarbzSA]

So glad I just found these videos! I've listened to lots of videos but the metaphors and terms Dr Ross uses make a lot of sense. Very helpful.

[@Rbl7132]

This is BRILLIANT! Thanks Ross for this and for finding a name for my disorder SLDD.

[@RossRosenberg]

You are welcome! Glad this is helpful.

[@angelicakharazmi7661]

Thank you so much this is truly a lifesaver . Validation over manipulation and gaslighting .

[@nncatwoman]

I found your site from Narc survivor! Your words r so comforting & powerful. I have been no contact since dec. He has resorted to tarot cards to try & track me. I do not get involved or believe this divination as per my beliefs. Shows how desperate this pig is! Will stay no contact & continue to heal & get stronger in Christ. I win As I have my power back! Thankyou 4 such valuable info. Dr Rosenberg ,I’ve subscribed to your utube & web site.

[@carolynparton8842]

Thank you Mr. Ross.....your work and teachings are such a blessing.🙏

[@RossRosenberg]

You are very welcome Carolyn!

[@makaylahollywood3677]

Hello Dr. Ross. I can feel my level of healing just by revisiting the same video every 2-5 months. Life-saving technique. But, it is a process. I'm sending this link to another target. Thank you!

[@RossRosenberg]

Thank you! So glad this is helpful.

[@carolynparton8842]

Thank you Mr. Ross.....you are a beaken of light for so many. Blessings 🙏

[@ariadnaponce1]

I watched your video again, to remind myself. I'm applying this technique lately. Today I finished reading your book, The Human Magnet Syndrome. I smiled but I had tears in my eyes reading the last page. Your book has been life changing for me. Now I know in what stage I'm now and the progress I have done in the recovery after the separation. Also what I need to keep working on, I would like to do the 12-step program. Thank you so much Ross! 💗💗💗💗💗🙌🙏✨

[@RossRosenberg]

So glad it was helpful! Thank you for your support.

[@ariadnaponce1]

I genuinely appreciate you. I'm very grateful with God that I found your videos and work on KZbin, I wish I would've read your book before. I was surprised to read in your book that you went to Towson University! I used to live very close from there years ago. Thank you again Ross, God bless you! 💗🙌🙏✨

[@carlamaxwell8923]

I appreciate you so much. I’ve been listening to narcissism videos for two years now. You have helped me through recovery and healing from the trauma of the experience lonely experience

[@frankcanon8095]

Your wisdom has SAVED LIVES. I regard your work as GOLD. Thank you

[@ijeoo1]

Can a covert narcissist be unusually generous? My newly ex partner was so. I mistook his generosity for genuine concern. He had in many ways subtly made it look like I was in for the money. Gaslighted me in many ways. He had total control over me. When he discarded me and quickly replaced me I felt lost and suicidal because he felt like more than the 'best love' I ever had but like a father figure as well. Me, my mother and siblings are victims of a malignant narcissistic father. The pain he caused us throughout our lives is unimaginable.

[@cindywilson718]

My husband did the same thing to me. He would accuse me of taking his money even though I was totally transparent with him. We divorced this winter and he still brings up alleged money I stole!

[@nathrose7612]

Yes so they Can show "see how much I do for , you and how generous I am" and After they cut generosity 😁 just like that and when you need it ah ah . Very intuitive they are those cov. narc. Good Luck.

[@buzzingbee9499]

Yes

[@tracymichele8821]

This is for M.O. Yes I can really relate to the best love of my life and also the father figure statement that you made. Growing up my father was an alcoholic and so needless to say I never had a close nurturing relationship with him. I had a huge love deficit when I met my narc ex husband so it was easy to let him control me and lorded over me in my decisions and choices in life because I needed that kind of involvement from my father growing up and never got it. And trust me my ex took full advantage of that need and used it for his own sick need to be in control in my life and he used it to bolster up his own weak ego. I also can really relate to your statement about you and your siblings being abused by a malignant narcissistic father though not exactly in the same way that you said it, or for the same reasons. My oldest daughter blames me because I "let " my husband abuse her, not wanting to accept the fact that I did everything in my power to stop the abuse and defended her to him any chance I got. It doesn't seem to matter to her that I had no where else to go with her and her sister, and I had no way to financially support all of us. I'm glad you can say that ALL of you were victims of your father's abuse, including your mother. To hear my daughter tell it, SHE was the only victim and I am the villain and terrible mother because I didn't respond in the way she thought I should, which was to get HER away from him and just leave. No thought or understanding that I was a victim too and was held under his power as much as she and her sister were. Thank you SO much for realizing and stating that truth in your own situation. I can only hope and pray that one day my daughter will come to the same truth. Thank you again for sharing 🥰

[@raccuia1]

M.O. in answer to your question, no, a covert narc can not be GENUINELY generous. Anything which a covert narc does which may appear to be kind or nice, is a fabrication to make it look that way so they keep you on the hook so they soften you up to then abuse you. Also, they can use it to pretend to be the nice person to the outside world so the outside world thinks the narc is lovely and they give the narc attention and admiration. In terms of your feelings that you felt the narc more than the best love you ever had, that is because you had a self love deficit which love you were then trying to get from the narc. As you described you had a malignant narc father and that is where your self love deficit more than likely came from.

[@K.G-I.N.F.P.]

I love your content. You talk and give advice about narcissism and aspects of narcissism much differently from everybody else. Your advice is very helpful and useful and I'm grateful that I found you. I think my favourite advice from you is the one about conversation induction. I just think that you're a very good therapist and understand concepts that not very many other therapists always speak about or address.

[@KolussuslifeKB]

This is a very great analysis of how to respond rather than react as we naturally do when our emotions get the better of us. Good stuff. Really enjoyed this.👊🏿⭐❤

[@Rick-hf6ov]

Very good lesson! Thank you so much. I learned a lot from this one. Rick

[@IngaCombs]

All the elements of ODA are vital in this final battle. I had three p-narc attacks in 6 months covering a year. Used this method during the narc-storm stage. And it works!!! Now, it's over! Im free :)

[@mr.anindyabanerjee9905]

Wonderful presentation Dr. Rosenberg 😊🙏

[@RossRosenberg]

Many thanks!

[@420gzuz]

wow. thanks. i can better understand these principles in the way you go about conveying them. thank you, thank you!

[@brendaharper5729]

Thank you . I will be buying your book.

[@RossRosenberg]

Hi Brenda, you can find Ross's book in different versions here: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/human-magnet-syndrome-books

[@elbareyes2838]

Thanks Ross. This technique is pure wisdom. Love your work. It's 2022 and I still have 2 pigs from a job I left due to their daily harassment. Never even said GM to those jerks. Your videos had given me the info to be calm. I had many bandaid psychotherapists. Felt they weren't helping me so I told them ✌ out. Found you on youtube trying to find a name for those demons behavior. The 2 pigs keep using flying monkeys with intimidation on my new job, still after police reports, union reports with car plates for the last 3 yrs..... but after watching many of your videos I see them for who they are. Your first impression is that they look shy, introverted but are pure evil, vindictives...

[@artifactis]

Thank you for sharing your experience it really hits home when those we listen to express their own experience

[@RossRosenberg]

Thanks for listening.

[@clairetarantino7056]

God bless you for giving this information to the community of sufferers

[@randimcmillan3148]

Thank you for this! Helpful in the relationships with my BPD family members. It’s important not to get absorbed into their perceptions, which are not grounded in reality.

[@theindigopickle]

I find that sometimes, music can help to combat these voices. After many years of being with someone that "wrestles" in this way (which I am also quite good at, but don't have the heart for any more) and trying to leave them over and over again only to be hooked back in over and over again, I found a song that works to remind me of the situation, when I find myself in doubt. I don't know if it will resonate with anyone else like it does for me, but it sums up my situation pretty well. The song is... Seeing Things by the Black Crowes. And Ross, I really appreciate your work. It has helped me see more clearly things I knew to be true, but had no reference with which to define them. Thank you.

[@RossRosenberg]

You are so welcome.

[@MinkaSchlossberger4ever]

You are kind of saving my life right now!!! THANK You ❤

[@marinoisbest]

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this and you explained it so good for me

[@RossRosenberg]

So glad it was helpful!

[@elchamaco15]

I cannot believe how you just described my situation and internal thoughts/feelings to a T .. 😳 thank you so much for these videos

[@RossRosenberg]

You are so welcome!

[@imtiazahmed7672]

Thank you rose you are a life saver God bless you sir

[@RossRosenberg]

You are very welcome. Glad it helped.

[@lindakarner1430]

I wrote my first comment when I was halfway through this video, and I made myself finish it, and I must confess that I'm going to give some of your other videos a chance . . . IOW, I felt a lot less bait-and-switched by hanging in there to the end of this one. . .

[@cheripitout3273]

His video are grate, if you sit and listen with full attention the gold nuggets are endless.

[@phoenixrising4768]

This is mindblowing. Thank you for this video.

[@ariadnaponce1]

I wish I knew about your technique a few years ago, or at least one or 2 years ago. I went through the same with my ex with BDP, which I didn't know until about a year ago that was diagnosed. I didn't absorb everything he used to say about me but after so much harrasment and lies, it used to trigger me and affected me emotionally. He would not stop until he would get a reaction from me. Thank you so much for your videos. 🙌🙏💗✨

[@dawngriffith3668]

Excellent. It's so important to see that we have a choice to step out of the combat narrative into peaceful assertion.

[@egoalter8745]

Thanks, very much appreciated.

[@RossRosenberg]

Glad it helped.

[@Krakikoko]

Thank you Ross, your technique has helped me dealing with my disfunctional family dynamics. Although I keep getting trapped into them 😭

[@SuperWhatapain]

Thanks! Used this and it helps! (Have been working on myself for awhile but this was a missing piece I needed to fend off aggressive emotional attacks. )

[@RossRosenberg]

Thank you so much for sharing Ann! In case you are interested, Ross has a complete seminar on this topic: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-observe-don-t-absorb-technique

[@happybergner9832]

Thank you for sharing so gently 🙏👍💞

[@hybridvigour5982]

This technique has helped me so much .

[@RossRosenberg]

Thank you so much for sharing! Hope you had watched the complete playlist 🙂

[@darrelldlongsr]

Great video. I needed to hear this Ross.

[@RossRosenberg]

Glad it was helpful!

[@diannemorgan-smith2245]

Thank you Ross. I am my own growing improvement, and you are helping me so much. I am waiting for one of your books to arrive, and I look forward to the insights you are going to afford me. Thank you. (I am busy avoiding pigs at the moment)!!!!!!

[@strangetimes5724]

I find that repeating OVER AND OVER "I DO deserve love!" and "I do NOT deserve abuse!" helps keep the victim sane. It's a battle. If you DARE say these things in response to their abusive tactics, they will go APE SHIT with their attacks, fighting HARDER to get you to agree with them that you DO deserve abuse, and that you are unworthy of love. It makes ZERO sense to try defending yourself. It only INCREASES their determination if they suspect they have yet to break you in half mentally. SHUT THEM OUT. WALK AWAY. Do NOT engage AT ALL. It can ONLY injure you to do so. You will NEVER "work it out" by talking to these demons. These demons ONLY lie to you. NOTHING they say to you is true. Their mouths only pour out lies from the pits of HELL. Satan is the accuser who wants you to believe you're worthless.

[@stephaniechrisjohn1186]

Thanks for all of the knowledge sharing! This awareness alone has changed my approach with people and life. I've also order 2 books last week. Can't weight for them to show up. Thank you!

[@stephaniechrisjohn1186]

Wait*

[@tkhaskin]

Ross, your materials are wonderful and life changing. You mentioned the term, FALSE POWER SYNDROME! Wow! That triggered something in me, concerning the narcissistic abuse I've experienced in my own life. If you ever have the time, it would be awesome if you could make a video expounding upon the "False Power Syndrome" in regards to the narcissistic character-type. I would love hearing your perspective on WHY the power narcissists feel they obtain power by abusing others....and WHY this is not real power at all. I would love hearing you expound upon how the FALSE POWER narcissists obtain is only a facade, shielding them from facing their own insecurities, self-hatred and inadequacies. Could you expound upon how dealing with a narcissist is actually dealing with an individual who severely hates him/herself? I would love to hear your perspective on this subject. Thank you again for the wonderful work you do. It has made a huge impact on my personal life!

[@MaddieSan435]

Yes! That was me in the last relationship. I didn't know what I was doing and that there is a name for it but I instinctively knew to stay detached emotionally, kind of staying in a " play mode" , I wasn't interested, was looking at it as of from the outside. Interesting. Some things did changed though at the end, I felt more when alone, kind of allowing the experience to play out in my memory was still somewhat traumatizing

[@danikonig8471]

Thank you very much for your helpful video!

[@RossRosenberg]

Glad it was helpful Dani!

[@POS3278]

He was in my head all day yesterday because the storm has started. He says Redemptive Living are not real counselors (it's just that he didn't like what they were telling him-to stop being so selfish). So he got a different counselor. I refuse to go with him because his motive is to try to get someone to sympathize with him and convince me that I need to step up and give him grace for his womenizing, now that he's "mostly" cured. Why was he in my head? Because he went to the counselor by himself begrudgingly (playing the victim as covert narcs do). I feel like he's getting an army together to do battle. After meeting, he came home and was acting a bit confident rather than his woe is me pouty self. I'm trying to predict what's next. I think he will ask for me to go by myself. If I go, the counselor will have all this false perspective from him. Then two people will be in my head. I shouldn't go right? I should just say "of course". I could get my own counselor right?

[@ginafarley6190]

Yes, you need to disconnect from his mind games. Best of luck ❤️

[@gabriellamclellan1102]

Wow thank you I am so glad I have found you..❤..

[@SherrysReviewsandResearch]

Self fulfilling prophecies are tough. Good info.

[@lovewithcharlotte]

Excellent Ross

[@RossRosenberg]

Thank you for the support Charlotte

[@devlinjames1532]

Thank you so much for these videos.

[@RossRosenberg]

You are so welcome!

[@butterflycomb]

Ross I think this could help me. I react especially when the narcissist disrespect me. I've set clear boundaries and the narcissist keeps crossing my boundaries. Of course the narcissist says I should not speak to it disrespectfully. Even when I'm assertive firm and nice the narcissist starts gaslighting right away. I realize what it is now it's awful. This narcissist is good takes me to blame shifting and projection. Oh it's no big deal or that's you making yourself feel that way. This narcissist is horrible I'm stuck living there so I need help to protect my dignity.

[@marytredinnick3366]

Thank you for helping me ❤

[@RossRosenberg]

You are so welcome Mary!

[@bethtaylor9773]

In Al-Anon, we call that detachment - hopefully with love - but detachment from the problem nonetheless.

[@JackVox]

If you can master none reactive ODA it really does bring back integrity, dignity and self respect to your authentic self.

[@whatsgoingon6256]

Interesting... thank you... No wonder, I always wondered about "grey rock/and ODA"... I always felt it was a type of disassociation... now I see this is a *controlled disassociation... for purposes of coping with or managing triggers, urges, and impulses*... ahh

[@anamuraro]

One day I realized that playing a game I didn't wanna play was losing already, even if I "won". So I went no contact 😂.

[@GloriaWatkins-c2u]

Preservation fortitude endureing. Thats all

[@emperius]

Could you translate your book in other language?in Italian please !!! I would love to give it to my mum she left narcissistic relationship after 40 years now she s dating but still attract narcissistic I am helping her on recognising but in Italy there is not much informations or books about it

[@jamiet182]

Thank you! Excellent👍

[@RossRosenberg]

You are welcome Jamie! If interested, Ross has this complete seminar on ODA: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-observe-don-t-absorb-technique

[@mac-ju5ot]

I just pray my dr gets better ..I'm sitting here checking everyday to see if I have covid .....you do make me laugh Ross. I'm not on the debate team...I have very little experience looking out for my own objectives ...I do feel like I'm fighting a battle I'll never win

[@zwatwashdc]

I had been apart from the narcissist for a long time when one holiday they poisonously tried to trigger me like so many times before. I don't know what happened, but suddenly it was obvious. I felt the smirk cross my face and they knew that the spell was broken. There is also 'gray rock'. This is a good technique for people who make you unhappy. I think this was the first step for me, giving myself permission to be completely inauthentic with the narcissist.

[@marthadelossantos3918]

❤ExcelIent. Thanks💯🙋‍♀️

[@RossRosenberg]

Thank you!

[@ella.q366]

thank you the voice was always my elder sister.

[@LucyDoo-mr1ts]

This guy is brilliant lol. Perfect timing thank you😊

[@margaretchaney5627]

Ross , I used your 3 strikes technique and it worked. I plan to use it this morning too. . I must enforce them or he is unbearable. ODA IS BRILLIANT .I use the white lab coat. Could you tell me, is it possible to live out the rest of my life with my h, I'm 63 & disabled. I'm going to start going to a CODA group next week, I have 3 other support systems in place. Hoping I will be ok. 40 years married to the narc & I know all his behaviors.

[@PunkMartyr]

So I agree with everything you are saying. I do think there are extreme situations where its not one person and one voice but the negativity person origin point is multiple. Like ill give you an example. I know someone with multiple learning disorders, lots of bullying and ostracization at school, teachers were unsupportive, come home and see domestic violence every day. Yes it could be the domestic violence parent as the voice of weakness but i think its everything in this example.

[@lindakarner1430]

"The purpose of this video is not to go into the details of the 'observe don't absorb technique. . ." This is the third video of yours that I have spent time on, the title indicated to me that I would learn about that technique. I feel like I've been in three bait-and-switch situations. If you have other YT videos that explain more about this, please put a link to them. The videos I have watched seem like CMs for your products, and even though $40 for the ODA 90-minute video is a very attractive price, and ODA sounds intriguing and helpful, I'm feeling twice shy . . . .

[@TheMandingoX]

Listen to psycho cybernetics the audio book is free on KZbin. Idk why but after listening to the book a few times I recently started telling myself observe don’t absorb before coming across this gentleman vids, the book will give u a general understanding or yourself and likewise others in ur surroundings, self talk and self estimation is big when dealing with feelings Nd people.

[@TheMandingoX]

Basically don’t get influenced by others, be aware that people will constantly try to break ur spirt either consciously or unconsciously due to their own life experiences, so observe them not absorb them.

[@cheripitout3273]

I think he is just saying stay out of fights, all fights, specially the ones with ourselves. Hope this helps.

[@rainingpatchouli4476]

love your work, however, Id like more definite ways to know if Im truly a borderline or have instead CPTSD from being around narcs my whole life. Is their any major differences that define the two disorders uniquely?

[@RossRosenberg]

Ross has a video about BPD that may help you: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mpqomZeYfKhgo8k

[@rachaelcourtney1980]

Spot on

[@RossRosenberg]

Thanks for watching.

[@torreycat7716]

ODA explanation starts at 8:22.

[@BL-rb7jm]

Have you ever heard of a book called the inner child of your past.. describe 12 different personalities which have been molded from your childhood and it is so accurate I can't believe it!! It's an older psychology book from years ago but they have an each 12 chapters a little test and for some reason it seems to hit right on home .. I ordered one and lost it in the move. So I think I'm going to go buy another one lol on Amazon but it is a very good book

[@mz7067]

Someone told me the inner personalities are/were previous lifetimes ..and the soul is the actual driver that a human vessel could not function without... where the soul will always be because our original make up is energy and awareness and the experiencer of those lives ... I felt a need to tell you that as it has another theory and I’m only the messenger but it’s an interesting subject as is psychology and mind mechanisms 💕

[@UntappedShesources]

Thank you

[@RossRosenberg]

You're welcome.