Handling Students That GASLIGHT

[@LoveThemWell]

Ha! I just had this conversation with my husband last night. I feel gaslighted so often. (Gaslit?) But it’s usually things like “You didn’t tell us that was due.” “You didn’t tell us we had a test.” It can make me feel crazy. It’s so hard to act like I’m not frustrated or personally offended. (Because I’d never give a test without informing them…or preparing them.) So I DO feel like my whole day teaching is also an acting job. Which is fun but also exhausting. Thanks for this video! Good stuff!!

[@user-xe5cz3dw8m]

I tried these strategies just the other day. The first day it worked the student came back in after school and we talked. I felt like we had a really positive conversation. The next day completely fell apart with one student who wanted control of the class, was encouraging the other students to tap their pencils to make a concert. I very calmly told the class in a generalized way to be careful who they allow to influence them because I wouldn't want to see them get a consequence because they allowed someone else to encourage them to get in trouble. The one student is a gaslighter and troublemaker. At some point I start wondering, why are we walking on eggshells with these kids, which is exactly who they are. They are 11-year-old children. Trying to rationalize and reason with them just does not always work.

[@WahlVids]

What if these gaslighters complain to parents then parents complain to their homeroom teacher then homeroom teacher complains to special ed then special ed tells me, the specialist that sees the class once a week, how things should be according to this telephone conversation stemming from the gaslighter? Do I have a private meeting with the gaslighting child? My gut reaction is to fall in line. My intellectual side realizes this is a tool for control to make things easier or more comfortable. I don't coddle my own child and she's 5 years younger than this middle school gaslighter and is far more mature. Your thoughts?

[@user-xe5cz3dw8m]

@@WahlVids I have since employed the old-fashioned straightforward approach: I tell them I am not interested in arguing with them, to either stop doing what they are doing follow my directions, or face a consequence! It worked like a charm! I realized these kids are not gas; gaslighting, as much as just wanting to argue. Once I gave no leeway to argue and my not allowing it, resolved itself.

[@anon7374]

Wow, the greatest advice was at the end of the video! So true that we are actors. We can change the dynamics in our class with how we act. This is why we burn out when we get too demoralized or bogged down to continue putting on the show....The hardest days are when I feel I cannot play the part. And luckily the person I am with my students is me. I'm even more my true self with them than I am with other staff. But if I feel down, I don't have access to that person. What feeds me is seeing students learn, parents happy, kids happy, admin happy. But if they randomly aren't, even if it's through no fault of my own, my happiness plummets and I have a hard time being that most engaging version of myself for my students. Such a complex profession we are in.

[@nancymartinez4677]

Amazing video Reynolds! I’m a better teacher because of all your advice.

[@aliciaconrad3020]

Thank you so much for this video! I really appreciated the last third. A student recently stole my wallet from my purse (which was in my desk) and I have not been well supported by my admin. I just really appreciated that I'm not the only one who has had significant things stolen by my students who I think of as my kids. So, thank you for sharing that aspect of teaching.

[@anon7374]

I agree with you, It's so hard to get over it quickly when that kid you have been trying so hard to win over is doing something like that. Last year I had a student regularly take my belongings from me and put them in his desk, even when it was things that would be of no value to anyone but me. I went out of my way for this kid constantly, and i never saw much appreciation. This year, this student comes to visit me every single day and wants to get my advice on issues that come up at school. I'll never get how i won them over but i find it so sweet that I am someone they trust now

[@sarahmeador1120]

I teach in a very small school and have a student that is constantly pretending like she doesn't know stuff because other teachers will give her the answer to get her to move on. I've heard she will even throw tantrums in other classes and cry to make the teacher feel guilty. For example, doing multiplication flashcards in math she will answer correctly but when working through a problem with me she will give the wrong answer repeatedly (as in answering, "2+6 is zero" three times in a row). This video helped me a lot because all I want to do is help her.

[@ArtRamboPettyQueen]

Love your videos! I appreciate having the notes already written. ❤ this way your back isn’t at the camera too long

[@anon7374]

Great solution! this is the kind of thing that makes students look at us in that way where you can tell they are thinking "oh wow, they actually seem to trust and care about me." Even if this student was actually the one who did the negative behaviour, this makes them rise to your level!

[@Liddledriver]

Usually the response is "I didn't do nothing" then I point out the double negative. The worst is the gaslighting by the parents who usually can't admit their kid could do any wrong. The best part is when they bring a lawyer to the parent teacher conference. The lawyers are experts at gaslighting. Yup, teaching can be a real blast especially when the parents hold you accountable for their bratty kid not going to Harvard.

[@amberhaynes2482]

I literally call them out on this behavior. I ask them why they feel the need to gaslight me. I also tell them it won’t work on me. (Side Story) my mom is extremely narcissistic so I can already spot these traits in everyone. I keep that part to myself. It’s triggering because it will be over things they won’t get in serious trouble over. They just feel the need to gain attention by being disruptive and then lying. It drives me nuts.

[@heathertomlinson1747]

Thanks for the common sense strategies. I had a moment today when I lost my cool for something dumb in the classroom, so it's always good to be reminded about focusing on moving on, rather than getting stuck trying to get the kid to admit he/she is wrong. What do you think should happen when we're outside the classroom? I work at a middle school and last year we had an event where students were invited to view other students' science projects. I saw some eighth graders (not my students) sitting on the side fooling around. A kid threw something at another kid which almost caused a fight. I stepped in before it escalated, but the kid who threw the thing claimed he didn't do it and then several of the kids ran away. It was so frustrating because their teacher was not with them. Is this the kind of thing to just shrug off? I worry that the school climate is suffering because kids are getting way out of line and won't listen to the supervising adults. Clearly this is more of a systemic issue, but one that I wish I could find a solution to.

[@Brandonbking]

Great video and shoutout to all of the Brandons hahah!

[@cindyriehm7411]

Cc yourself with the note to yourself. You know, i just figured out why i want to do this... i feel and gave always wanted to be a negotiater!!!

[@ethanyannie]

Hey Reynolds! I started watching your videos about a year or 2 ago and have been a fan of yours ever since. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher and this past year I have finally gotten closer to that dream! I graduated college last spring with my social studies certification and currently pursuing my Masters while substitute teaching. As someone who also has ambitions to have an online presence, I’d love to hear more about your story of how you got started on KZbin and what goes on behind the scenes of your videos in terms of preparation, editing, etc.! Keep up the good work inspiring others to be leaders in the field of education! 💪🏼👨‍🏫

[@FirstNameLastName-wt5to]

Gaslighting requires a level of manipulation well beyond what you describe here. These examples are normal kid behavior as they try to understand the world around them. Their intention is to avoid responsibility and stress to themselves. It’s not gaslighting. Overusing this term devalues real gaslighting in which an adult intentionally denies your reality to exert control over you. This is an irresponsible video and I suggest you take it down. And it’s incredibly insulting to real survivors of this kind of abuse.

[@liamevans7661]

Yeah agreed! Lying and gaslighting aren’t the same. Gaslighting is an abuse tactic used in close relationships to purposely make someone think they are mentally unwell. These kids are just lying because they don’t want to get in trouble, or they want attention. It’s kinda like calling a thunderstorm a tsunami…

[@liamevans7661]

@@kimbraswain9485 Teachers and admin are in the position of power over students, both in behavioral expectations and in critical thinking and brain development. Kids can’t choose who they spend their time around, or where to go, or what to do with their day. Kids can’t demand teachers go to detention if a teacher insults them- which happens not uncommonly, unfortunately. At least where I am. The bad teachers are mean to elementary kids they just don’t like or find annoying, and don’t get fired because of the shortage. Kids won’t like school or respect authority if authority treats them like shit their entire life. That DOESN’T make it fair for the teachers that aren’t like that, that fight admin for their bs, I’m not saying that at all. It’s just complex. Nobody said it wasn’t terrible and mean, and unacceptable behavior from children towards the adult caring for them at that moment. It’s just not *gaslighting* which is an entirely different type of power dynamic and abusive situation. It’s like calling a 2 year old manipulative for crying, honestly. Regardless if it’s bad behavior that needs corrected, that term just isn’t the accurate one.

[@liamevans7661]

@@kimbraswain9485 🤣🤣 Sure, they get to send you to detention, not the other way around. Okay 👍🏼 yup, sure. They also get paid to be there, and can choose to leave at anytime, and you are required to by order of the federal government, right? See a therapist, sounds like job burnout has got you feeling resentful of the wrong people tbh.

[@user-xe5cz3dw8m]

I am assuming you are not a teacher or have any experience in a classroom. Spend the day in a middle school classroom. When you have a student deliberately distracting the class, encouraging other students to join in, and when you tell them to stop they make their eyes huge and react like they are innocent and have no idea what you are talking about, or the other student who wants to twist your words so another student can get away with something they know they are not supposed to be doing In the meantime you have other students becoming affected by the "gaslighting" that is being done, and their anxiety is going off the chart. It is gaslighting. It is not avoiding responsibility or stress to themselves. It is attention-seeking and about being in control. The fact that affects the entire environment the way it is proves it is abusive. Children are far more sophisticated than what you are giving them credit for. This video needs to be kept up because when parents don't start recognizing the way children are growing up and what they are being exposed to with the internet and it isn't identified now, then they will continue to become more skillful in their manipulation and gaslighting. Then society as a whole pays the price for it.

[@liamevans7661]

@@user-xe5cz3dw8m If an adult can’t handle an 11 year old acting like a typical child without crying abuse, they have no business teaching. Attention seeking is just that- attention seeking. Not abuse. They have SO MUCH brain development going on, and they literally are handicapped in decision making and evaluating consequences, compared to adults because of their immature frontal lobe. It’s not hard to realize that and not take it personally, and regulate your own emotions. It’s not abuse to have to send a kid out of class. It’s part of the damn job. Ffs the teachers that always whine online about how horrible kids are need to get therapy and grow up because somehow along their development their empathy and relatability to children has been diminished. Kids deserve better.