happy angry sad confused at the same time | vlog 13

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BUS INQ: [e-mail]
00:00 infertility & the waiting game
04:50 new throw pillows
06:00 plans this week
09:30 angry fertility feelings
16:25 redeemed review
17:49 faking with benefits thoughts
20:09 where i've been
21:46 pictures make me feel cute lol
24:15 bathroom reno ideas
27:55 i wanted sweets & haden's salty
33:09 on leg hair & unpainted toes
35:41 would i be ok without a baby
38:33 lil haul & jewelry musings
43:13 educated update 1
46:06 being demoralized at old navy
51:50 mother's day
53:30 the vlogs are changing
54:18 educated final thoughts

[@CourtneyMiller]

The angry feelings are so relatable. My 4 year old son has been battling cancer for the past 3 years and when I see other people's stories about their children being diagnosed with cancer, it is almost more difficult hearing about their experience than experiencing it myself. I never expected to feel so much anger and pain for other people going through the same thing I am but it feels so heartbreaking knowing other's are experiencing the terrifying journey that my family is. I know you've mentioned before that Hayden had leukemia as a child and seeing him thriving and surviving now as an adult gives me so much hope for my son. I hope he and his parents/family have healed from the trauma of childhood cancer, as much as possible. Always wishing you all the best and I am just so sorry for the painful fertility journey you have had to face. Thank you for being willing to share so many vulnerable feelings and experiences.

[@C4r1y1996]

💕

[@chandlerainsleyvlogs]

god i’m so sorry. i haven’t been there myself but im sending you lots of love. as for haden, his mom definitely still gets emotional when she talks about his cancer. he was too young to remember most of his treatment. but she remembers, especially him learning to walk in a hospital. they still celebrate his remission day every year ❤️ i truly hope that you get to do the same

[@sydneycook5362]

CHAN the fertility talk at 37 min!!!! 1st: you’re so introspective and wise and well spoken. 2nd: I’m working on finding my identity and actual real happiness after my miscarriage. Your videos have helped so much. Thanks for being you & sharing such deeply personal stuff!

[@chandlerainsleyvlogs]

thank you!!! i’m sorry you’re going thru it too. i have so many updates to share with yall soon, lots of happiness ❤️

[@NatalieJ22]

“When Breath Becomes Air” is SO good. It left me with an emotional hangover for a few weeks but I really did get a lot out of it

[@merryclaire]

just had my third miscarriage last week. its a rollercoaster of emotions and SUCH a confusing experience. so much anger. the grief. irritability. sadness. its a strange life. a strange world. and i am so THANKFUL that you have the courage to speak on this and film it and share this-- because binging fertility videos is helping me so much today. your life is so valuable and all the ups and downs are what make you YOU you are so good thank you

[@Kmob795]

I appreciate so much that you share so much of yourself in these vlogs 🩷 my husband and I decided to be child free after we found out how bad our odds were getting pregnant naturally. I watched all 3 of my sisters struggle with fertility and IVF and we decided we just weren’t built for that. But I really relate to trying to find yourself and be happy again with everything going on and the struggle to manage other people’s emotions and reactions to your feelings. My dad passed in June and I have been struggling to find the new version of myself post all these things and your videos are do normalizing even if our struggles aren’t the exact same. Sending you all the peace and joy that life can give you after all these hard months 🩷

[@FranFellow731]

I was also just demoralized at old navy a couple days ago and went home crying even though I also don’t hate myself. Buying shorts this time of year is the actual worst. I’m behind on your vlogs and seeing this now and hearing you talk about it helps with convincing myself it’s the store and not my body that was the problem.

[@chandlerainsleyvlogs]

your body is never the problem ❤️

[@carolineblueskies]

I always enjoy watching your vlogs, even if you think they haven't been as zesty! I work from home and it's weirdly comforting to just have you chatting with us on while I work. You're also inspiring me to up my jewelry game. I need to finally invest in some nice, high quality pieces.

[@madelinemorra1160]

When you were talking about what infertility robbed you of, I really felt that. I didn't go through the same things as you, but have gone through trauma that feels like I lost important parts of myself or would never get back to who any semblance of "normal" or "happy". I'd look at insta reels or videos or just hear stories of people who were just joyful and happy and living their life and I didn't understand how they could just be doing things or just be happy so easily. Unfortunately I think we can't skip the hard stuff, we can't skip to the part where things are ok and easy. But like anything else there is an end to this right? Like there is an outcome one way or another and that new identity is going to be what you make it. You'll be ok because we all make it out to the other side and find a way to be ok. For me it ended up making me really proud of who I became and the life I live, and while I wouldn't choose to go through it again I also don't regret it.

[@annakonopko82]

For the people being sad on your behalf - I’m going through fertility crap too and I hate the forced positivity and the “don’t think negative” I can hope everything goes perfectly well but still be realistic about it and that doesn’t mean anything.

[@rachaeldaggett8087]

Same and I agree

[@ashleymonette6834]

I completely agree, FRUIT IS NOT DESSERT! 😂

[@kpopstansara5604]

Oooooh girl. Yes, I found you a couple of months ago because the miscarriage video was suggested to me on youtube, but I also started to binge watch your videos because I am really enjoying them lol I just have to comment on the projecting emotions part. After my D&C, admittedly I was 8 weeks pregnant but the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks so it was early, it felt weird for me in the sense of yes I'm sad I lost my first baby, but I was okay. I had done so much research during pregnancy and read how common it was to miscarry that I always had it in the back of my mind and I did have odd feelings that something was going to happen then it did. I was also okay because for me I viewed my miscarriage positively in the sense that my body knew something was not right and it was preventing my baby from growing and potentially suffering or passing after being born. Thinking that way - my body is amazing. So after my miscarriage, I felt at peace. I was not upset, but the stages of grief and my hormones did not convey that at all lol. I was crying at one point and I told my husband it's frustrating because I feel fine, yet my body just physically does stuff like crying and I have no control over it...and my man responded, "Well, you're obviously not okay." That turned into a very ugly fight 🤣 sheeeeesh. I think it took a bit to get him to comprehend why what he said really did not sit well with me.

[@user-dz2fh8mu1m]

Chandler, Thank you for so courageously sharing where you are in your process. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I sadly had a miscarriage last November. I didn't have my first period until January. That time between my miscarriage and my first period were brutal especially hormonally. I remember how hard and it felt like I was never going to stop bleeding, heal, have my period. Please be super gentle with yourself. You are healing ❤ I was able to get pregnant in February and currently 16 weeks. My baby girl is due this November. I say all this too hopefully encourage you. You never know what is around the next corner. You are in my prayers.

[@Jennandtonix]

I completely agree about the sizes at Old Navy!!! I stopped shopping there because of the size inconsistency

[@tash94]

"where are the rocks going?" LMAO

[@friendnotafan]

I too am going through a tough time right now so it’s nice to know I’m not alone ❤

[@samanthawheaton3276]

So much love to you, Chandler. I felt a lot of similar things after my DNC. You are providing so much validation to those of us who have been through or are going through infertility. ❤️

[@FourPawsandaBook]

I really appreciate your stream of consciousness discussions as you work through this period of life. It’s so helpful! Also your discussion on clothing sizes is SO RELATABLE! I have to buy larger jean sizes because my butt is so big but then it’s so big in the waist 😂😂

[@chandlerainsleyvlogs]

i cut a LARGE part of that convo where i talked about that problem specifically hahah

[@C4r1y1996]

Good morning Chan! Looking forward to your videos as always 💕

[@MsAlyssaJM]

For the shower, I get it. I prefer the fiberglass ones with the tub because I can easily prop up my foot when shaving and they are easier to clean. Although I don't enjoy hanging shower curtains and having to redo it each time to wash them.

[@sarahs9802]

Thank you so much for sharing this and that HCG can take a while to go down. I'm going through a really prolonged miscarriage with multiple rounds of medication and retained tissue still and it's so frustrating when so many miscarriage stories ive heard in the past involve miscarrying at home and then getting pregnant before even getting another period

[@chandlerainsleyvlogs]

god i honestly hate those stories at this point lol. the "i got pregnant the VERY NEXT cycle," stories. everybody is different but i like to think our body is telling us we need time to heal when there is still HCG in our bodies. i'm sorry you're dealing with the prolonged issues though, that is so frustrating.

[@tiana8300]

as always, sending you and Haden all my love💜

[@ManderLynn23]

❤ SO happy to see you smiling. 😊❤

[@justakatlady]

For for thought re freestanding tub in a corner: make sure there is enough access back there to clean / mop up any spills.

[@chandlerainsleyvlogs]

we’re going built in! but good tip

[@taylorgayhart9497]

I just finished Just For The Summer, and I *loved* it!!!!

[@PistachioGold]

Thank you for all that you share and the insights ❤

[@jennyleejanuary4570]

The limbo sucked… I grieved but also wanted to get back on that horse! I had 3 different types of miscarriages. Doctors still are still unsure why, one functional medicine doctor believes it has to do with my protein S deficiency and low progesterone. We were about to get started with male infertility, when I found we were pregnant again… I’m happy to say we had a healthy babygirl January of this year, after two years of struggling to stay pregnant. I was scared my entire pregnancy, wasn’t a great time. However, she was born healthy, chunky and with a full head of hair haha. ❤ Continue to advocate for yourself ❤ you will be a momma one way or another xoxo.

[@JayGTheAwkwardBookworm]

lol I have a glass shower too… having to squeegee that thing everyday is SO ANNOYING so I feel you 😂

[@HaleyJeanASMR]

“size 3 BB… for big boobs” HAHAHAHA we do need better sizing he is right

[@nicholefahey7040]

Just moved into a place with a claw foot tub and I hate it. Always having the showers curtain touching me 🤢

[@lyndsayhammond6884]

You crack me up 😂 Did you say “bone down” 💀💀💀

[@chandlerainsleyvlogs]

yep haha

[@bugwandis]

I enjoyed reading Educated, but I really struggle to believe sections of it are true.

[@carriekennedy5903]

A tiny bit of advice on choosing tubs…keep in mind that they should be deep enough to have wet knees and wet boobs (shoulders too) simultaneously but also needs to not require a huge step to get in and out of. It’s something I learned after spending an obnoxious amount of money on a steam shower and two person whirlpool tub for our remodeling. The bath experience is amazing (there’s even a tv in there!) but getting in and out of it isn’t much fun especially as our only tub/shower option. It’s probably something people don’t think about but as you get older, things that matter will change. 😂. Thanks for sharing your life with us.

[@chandlerainsleyvlogs]

you're totally right! we've decided on a regular built in tub that's a little taller than average but not as tall as a free standing so hopefully that will help us out :)

[@elise85391]

That's what I've always hated about the standard shower/tub combo, is that it's not deep enough. Especially when it's not long enough for full grown adults to lay in. Like I'm 5'2, I'm not tall by any definition, and the awkward length and depth bother me so much. For the most part, I hate baths, bc I don't have access to a free standing tub. I love the idea of baths, and I want to like baths, but the shower/tub execution just is not it.

[@elise85391]

Lily Gold's book seem weird to me. I haven't even read one, but just having observed that every single one is a RH with 3 men. Why always three? And she has so many, that it has me thinking, "how different can these guys really be?" I wonder if there are a lot of similarities between the male characters from book to book? But it's definitely weird that it's always the exact same trope. Also: I just love y'all's conversations just sitting in the car, just eating Crumbl and talking about random things. Y'all are funny, and your relationship is so cute.

[@AdventuresInPages]

Lily Gold’s RH books are unmatched but I don’t think I could ever listen to it on audio. It’s a very different experience.

[@AdventuresInPages]

Also hard agree in fruit doesn’t belong on cheesecake. I’m here for a select few fruit pies, but other than that I don’t want em.

[@elise85391]

Okay, so I've always wondered, every book of hers that I've seen has 1 female mc and 3 male mcs, do they all have genuinely different personalities in each new book? Like do the characters feel recycled at all?

[@AdventuresInPages]

@@elise85391 I think they all of the same framework but they feel distinctly different to me. Like one of the guys is always standoff-ish in the beginning, one is ready for a good time and swears he’s not gonna have feelings then does, and then the third one is always full golden retriever from the beginning.

[@elise85391]

@@AdventuresInPages interesting. She's definitely on my list to try, I like a good RH.

[@JessicaRoseReads]

❤❤❤

[@cindicleee]

❤❤❤❤

[@sydneycook5362]

PUCKING AROUND! Isn’t that a RH you enjoyed a few months ago? Tho maybe that was more about plugging holes than character development…

[@chandlerainsleyvlogs]

i wasn’t a huge fan of that one! fun but not super romantic to me

[@ashleymonette6834]

I completely agree, FRUIT IS NOT DESSERT! 😂