Have You Ever Heard of the Girl Who Cried Wolf - “Are You Sure You Aren’t Faking It", They Said

[@Densoro]

The crucial thing is, 'innocent until proven guilty' applies to _both parties._ Without due process, we cannot say that the accused is guilty of assault, *_or_* that the plaintiff is guilty of fraud. And there will not _be any due process_ if the plaintiff is bombarded with death threats until they withdraw their case.

[@LovethosePNWVibes]

This is what I've been saying for years. Everyone always says "innocent until proven guilty" while referring to the accused, but this always means the plaintiff is treated as guilty until proven innocent. It's absolutely horrific, and it has to stop.

[@elaineb7065]

If a person doesn't literally say "please assault me", they are not asking for it. There is a gallery up with clothes on it under the heading "what was she wearing" where victims of SA have assembled outfits like the ones they were wearing when the assaults/abuse happened. They range from trackies, through hoodies, through uniforms, to child's pyjamas. Assault is the fault of the assaulter, not of the victim. End of.

[@jimmoriarty9440]

I cried when I saw that, especially the children's pajamas.

[@christophergarrett7082]

I always hated that she was asking for it. Men knows what no means. If a woman says no it means no. Men who rape people do it cause they are rapist

[@USSAnimeNCC-]

People should wear what every they want without having an assumption of who they are when they don't know nothing about them I hate guy think a women is a slut or some just because they wear revealing clothing or have a problem their panther wear it they think a women who dress like that will sleep with other men or men will make advances to them because they think men can't control themselves demeaning to both sides

[@Cheezitnator]

I think we should also remember that men do get sexually assaulted by women and sometimes other men. Unfortunately, most of those cases go unreported because of cultural stigmas as well. Men don't want to be appear weak or are ashamed of what happened. Or worse yet, it's glamorized as hot for a woman to force themselves on them or played for comedy in movies when it happens to a man. It can be just as traumatizing and harmful to them.

[@extrovertedintrovert2900]

It’s just as awful and traumatizing to men as it is for women, but that trauma is seen as weakness in men, while women are reminded they are still strong even with the trauma they have. Things need to change.

[@iwant2haveu]

It’s mostly by other men.

[@Rikrobat]

As mentioned in the video, SA is possibly the only crime where the victim is accused of wrongdoing more than the perpetrator. The outrageous number of excuses that are made to protect the accused is disturbing. I really hope this will change…

[@tiagozortea]

Is it though? I heard many times people saying that someone was asking to be robbed because dresses too fancy, or is flaunting its wealth. But to be clear, both victims should be believed and heard. I find it disturbing how assault in general is brushed aside like its a normal thing. Once someone ran me over intentionally with their shopping cart pretty sure because I was wearing a mask.

[@KxNOxUTA]

@@tiagozortea People who blame anyone who ended up in trouble always exist. But there's a difference between such individuals and broad societal judgement to the point of even media going out of their way to imply that victims of SA are somehow responsile for their SA. The scale is utterly different!

[@Mothermochi]

@@tiagozortea people don’t get publicly shamed, death threats, rape threats, disowned by their families and friends because of being the victim of a robbery… so I’d say it’s fairly unique. Also so sorry someone hit you, that is appalling. Hope you are ok!

[@KartarNighthawk]

Found out this year that my supposed best friend assaulted one of our coworkers two years back. He admitted to it, then tried to blame it on the booze. Which a) isn't an excuse and b) even if it was an excuse wouldn't fly in this case given he still drinks (and in fact got busted for drunk driving a month after the assault, something else he hid from me). Suffice it to say, he's not my best friend anymore. Or my friend at all. But man oh man when I told people about it did they not want to believe it. Because it flew in the face of who they thought he was, and, for the women, meant they now had to grapple with the reality that any time they've been alone with him, they've potentially been in danger. In the end most of the peer group ditched him as the stories came out. But there's still a few guys who won't and at least one girl who thinks she has to stay around for the sake of his girlfriend (who knows about the assault and not only doesn't care but actively tried to get the victim to let him attend events at her home again). This guy openly confessed to assault and people still wanted to find a way to not believe it, or to justify spending time with him.

[@katerinavlasakova2747]

I read a meme that said if men can't control themselves when they see a woman we should ban men from driving because it's a health hazard.

[@nglchff]

I once revealed an instance of sexual harassment/assault to my counselor during a session. This was back in the 1980s and I was an undergraduate at the time. Her response to me? She suggested I find a sex therapist to help me be less uptight about "things". One of the least helpful responses I could have received. It wasn't until decades later that I finally started to accept that what was done to me was wrong, that I didn't deserve it, and that I didn't cause any of it. Yeah, s*** therapists say.

[@vulcanhumor]

I have never understood the excuse of "Well, they're promiscuous." Ok, so they have a lot of sex. Just because they regularly agree to have sex with different people does not mean they are automatically consenting to ALL sex with ANYONE who approaches them. Deciding to become sexually active does not mean you've consented to sex in perpetuity...each individual liason requires consent. Say you have a car, and that sometimes friends ask to borrow your car for various reasons. Normally you're happy to do it, so long as the person gives some advance notice, brings the car back at the agreed time and the car isn't damaged in any way. One day a friend shows up, without asking, and says "I want your car. Where are the keys?" You ask why. "Well, you always lend out your car, and I want to drive somewhere tonight." You say you need you car and it's not available right now. "Oh come on, you always let people borrow it." You say under different circumstances it would be ok, but right now, no. "You've let me use it in the past. Why are you suddenly being so stingy?" You tell them that your car is not for their personal use whenever they please, and you tell them to leave. "Look, can I just have it for a little bit? I wont take it far, just once around the block and I'll bring it back. You won't even notice." You tell them if they don't go, you're going to call the police. They get angry and forcibly take the keys from you and drive off. When you report the theft, you are doubted. How is anyone supposed to know if the car was actually stolen, or if you just regretted lending it to that person? Besides, as someone who frequently lends their car to people, you should've known that doing so would "give the wrong impression" and lead someone to thinking they could just take your car without asking. Sounds ridiculous, right? Lending out your car is not consent to having it stolen, and being promiscuous is not consent to rape. CONSENT. IS. KEY.

[@danitini14]

This is a really good analogy, thank you. I sometimes have frustrating conversations regarding this assumption (usually along with "they were asking for it" by not taking every precaution), and I think this analogy will be helpful in future conversations regarding consent and especially the idea of "consent in perpetuity."

[@whenwordsfail]

Thank you for this video and for using "Promising Young Woman" as an example. When we continue to create a culture where the initial reaction to sexual assault and domestic violence survivors is to ask them questions or blame them, we help continue the cycle of abuse instead of addressing the core issues that cause the abuse to happen in the first place. Instead of saying, "Oh the woman had it coming because of what she's wearing," why not teach men to respect women and to see women as people first instead of walking sexual objects meant only for their conquering? Instead of asking, "Why didn't you come forward sooner," say something like, "Thank you for telling me what happened. How can I help?" Not believing women also hurt men and gender-expansive individuals because they see how we react when a woman comes forward, so why would they want to put themselves out there and face the same scrutiny and victim-blaming?

[@PoltergeistTears]

I’m really sorry to hear that Jono that must of been an awful ordeal to go through 😢

[@JonathanDecker]

Thank you.

[@sarahsimentales1158]

I was taught that setting up boundaries is important when someone's been through this

[@suzanneevans1771]

The first therapist/counsellor I ever saw was for SA and was with the family member who assaulted me - the young male counsellor’s first question to me was “Did you enjoy it?” I don’t remember much of the rest of the session.

[@bunhelsingslegacy3549]

I'm so sorry. That's... just... wow. I hope you found actual help.

[@tinaperez7393]

​@@anonymouscommenter6829 sounds like grounds for dismissal and loss of license/ ability to practice. Talk about "$h*t therapists say".

[@sameaston9587]

Not sexual assault, but physical assault or harassment -a few decades ago, people would be attacked for looking goth or gay. Or more recently people with MAGA paraphernalia, or how someone wears facemasks, would also be treated poorly. Then apathetic people would say what they're wearing were 'asking for it'. I like what you said, no matter what someone's wearing, no one wants to be assaulted.

[@TheMrsWatcher]

Same goes for people who don't wear masks getting assaulted

[@ginafitzgerald5133]

I would like you to discuss martial rape. How just because your married your body belongs to him

[@Amitabha108]

Absolutely. That's a good topic to dig into as well.

[@robinjameson4261]

Or his body belongs to her

[@BeeWhistler]

I fortunately haven’t dealt with this directly and hope no one in my family ever has to, but I really felt the part about the popular and well-liked person being defended by the community. I have been in a position in life to see how often people will brush aside criticism of people they like and dismiss the complaints of people they don’t. It disgusts me to see adults behave like middle school children, deciding that their friends are always in the right and that the weird person must be lying.

[@zebracorne]

I think the worse about "girl who cried wolf" is that my main abuser would keep telling me "stop crying wolf" each time I tried to defend myself from her abuse. She was such a gaslighter she could be abusing me and telling me she was not at the same time. Really messed with my head. I got DID from this. Lucky for me I also got access to enough ressources so that I could heal from the trauma. It's rough, but the triggers are mostly under control and I no longer have amnesia. (main books I used was "Coping with trauma related dissociation" and also "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors")

[@FreckleFinance]

Not exactly the same but I had a job where a man was harassing me (not sexually) and management knew about it and they were trying to make it stop (although not in any effective way) but the women later told me that they thought it was MY fault he was so mean to me, because I'm so friendly to everyone so when I wasn't interested in chit chat with him (because of how he spoke to me) they felt it was MY fault and couldn't I just be friendlier with him? They did come around eventually but it was a year later and I felt SO alone in this situation and questioned whether I was the problem.

[@raleighvar]

Unfortunately, both men and women uphold the patriarchy. Sorry that happened to you! I think it’s something most women can relate to 😞

[@corneliahanimann2173]

Honestly I might be someone to give you an inappropriate answer here, but maybe my experience might give you an alternative point of view. I'm a female mechanic. I've often in workplaces been the only woman in the workshop, or at times the only woman they ever hired in these spots. One of the places where I was the first woman hired to do the mechanic job was at a place wherewe built trains, and there were a lot of men there, and after the second day one of my coworkers asked me if I had told the boss that he is sexually harassing me. He hasn't, all he did was explain to me how things works and I assume the fact that he was close to me and having a look at how I'm actually learning stuff, looked suspicious to other men so they quickly started talking about whether or not this guy is hitting on me. He told me that our boss had approached him earlier in the day to make sure I was not being assaulted in any type of way, and that guy is married with kids, he did literally nothing wrong and immediately was worried that I was going to cause that type of trouble. I later then talked to the boss and had to tell him that in a workplace like this I usually have to establish my own presence, and that means that most men will eventually get comfortable with the idea that I'm only human aswell. He said he was just worried and doesn't want anything to happen to me, and I told him that I trust him that he will stand up for me if anything happens, but if anything is going on, I want to try deal with it myself before I go and talk to him, because otherwise most people will keep a distance from me simply because they worry I'm just a very dangerous presence to work with, which is really going to ruin this experience for any woman that will follow into my footsteps. So this is the agreement we ended things on, and there were never any problems after this. I'm sharing this because, from your telling of your story, it sounds like management never heard the information about harassment going on from you? Did you ever approach them over it and ask them for help? Did you confront the person that harassed you by yourself? I'm not trying by any means to imply that you are somehow at fault for gettin harassed, because you did not cause any harassement. I just imagine that if I had hoped for management to pick up on how I'm struggling with a situation before I'm stepping up and speaking for myself, then I'd probably never really get anywhere to a place where working conditions are the way I want them to be. Can I ask you what happened? I'm not trying to judge you, but I have a lot of experience that goes exactly in this direction, because a lot of men are going to take a moment to get used to having me in their workplace environment. Maybe there is something I just don't understand and need to be more aware of from my end, and maybe there's some stuff you didn't consider to do that were very much in your right.

[@KxNOxUTA]

@@corneliahanimann2173 You'll need to read their comments again cause all information us in there. Managementr knew about it and they described what happened. Your story is interesting but then again is makes a very good point: How too many abusive men are makig things hard for men who did nothing AND how you have to deal with the effects of abuse just due that dynamic being very very very real. On top of that, there's actually signs that men and women literally interpret the same interactions completely differenly. Aka misogyny is leading to men frequently basically interpreting friendliness as something that can ONLY happen in the form of "sexual interest" and not in a context of normal human-to-human interaction. And then there's that huge elephant in the room that your boss and co-workers adressed your possible harrasment with your possible abuser WITHOUT your CONSENT??? That in and of itself is a massive and dangerous no-go. They didn't give you any agency in the matter and did not consult you until after the fact of them bringing up things with the person they suspected to cause your problems. That men are frequently really terribly underequipped to handling these situations well is so normalised, that it's yet another problem on the list. These workers are they not dealing with women in everyday life outside of work, so it's OK to excuse their biases and accomodate them? Why - if they are struggling with these things - are they not provided with supportive courses by their workfield? You get where I'm going with this?!

[@corneliahanimann2173]

@@KxNOxUTA I read her comment, but I read that the management knew of the harassment, and I found the wording of that odd, because I feel like if she had told them herself she would have said that she took action, no? To me it sounds like management knew about it from other sources or by generally observing the situation, this is why I'm asking and saying that maybe, if there is this possibility, she was reluctant to actually solve this issue with the management. I think you analysed my situation exactly how I wanted you to read it. I think the biggest point is that the boss was just nervous because he was new in that position aswell, and he was the first one to even introduce a woman into the place. Many of these men are married, they do deal with women on a day to day basis, but they were never confronted with the idea that a woman could be in their environment. They were all very normal people, and had to learn amd adjust to a new situation and figure out if they need to change stuff around if they're going to hire more women in this environment.

[@robinjameson4261]

I've had cases of discrimination from both man and women. There was this one woman. She was just mean given shape and form. I think she was miserable and just wanted to hand it out to everyone else but she was one of the higher ups in the company so there was nothing to be done so I just did what I could to avoid her. Had a different person who was a guy who worked directly over me. Whenever I wouldn't get proper numbers. He would openly denigrate me. There was at one point where he said that I didn't even have the capacity of a preschooler to read. He would stand over me and just yell at me. At one point I actually broke into tears and he kept on yelling. He again was an individual who had power so there was nothing that could possibly be done. I am not saying that harassment is a girl thing or a guy thing. It's a miserable person thing. Individuals who are miserable and have power have a high tendency to try and make others miserable around them.

[@killer_rabbit42]

I was sexually assaulted over the course of several years & still deal with trauma that stemmed from it to this day. That being said, when it comes to believing the accuser or believing the accused, I think if one person says something happened & the other said it didn't, then they should both be believed until the evidence shows otherwise. If something is reported to the police, then the police should investigate things thoroughly, especially if the only thing they have is one person's word against another. I am currently helping a friend of mine who has been falsely accused. He offered to talk with the police without a lawyer before he was arrested to answer any questions that they had because he knew the accuser was lying to them but the police said no. The person that accused my friend was troubled because of her own childhood abuse. She took the relationship she had with my friend as an adult & told the police it happened when she was underage. My friend knew that the accuser lied about a lot of things & didn't tell the police that she had a relationship with him when she was an adult. My friend sent that information to the police through his lawyer & all that happened was the accuser changed the parts of her story to better fit the information they received. They didn't drop the charges or even offer to talk with my friend. I understand both sides of this kind of situation from the accuser & the accused viewpoints. I think that a big problem is the police themselves. You have some police who are the "what were you wearing?" type but also the ones like my friend is dealing with who have an axe to grind & allowed the accuser to change her story to fit the information that my friend gave to them. I think that if it's found out that someone falsely accused another of assaulting them, then they should be brought to justice for false claims. If my friend didn't have all of the evidence that he does to show that the accuser is lying, he would be screwed because it's literally his word against hers & she is the one who would be believed. Accusations like this can destroy a person's life & if my friend wasn't such a good person, he wouldn't have the support of all of his friends to help him through this.

[@Nicamon]

00:47 - 00:55 This is *EXACTLY* the kind of comparison I *ALWAYS* do!

[@KxNOxUTA]

So about what helps: - Hearing the stories of others can help, cause it can help to realise "Oh, wait a minute, that was actually SA!" - For me, seeing respectful handling of people is always helpful. Like, literally doesn't matter which side they are on or what happened. Seing cases of e.g. you modeling behaviours where I see that you are ready to care for people WHILE holding accountable, is like balm to the soul. It feels safter then. Cause especially when you are not sure what happened and how to tag it and you then have to be scared to bring up your issue because you are scared of 3rd parties ruining another person's life while you're still not very clear if what happened was OK or not .... . The decent treatment of help-seeking people is so important on all levels, I can barely word it. We foster massive problems just via being judgemental and acting "on behalf of others" without their consent (which can be re-traumatising). We prevent people who abused from coming forward to seek help, cause we learned before how that need actually exists in people who grew out of some behaviours. There's sooooo much to this

[@marandadavis9412]

It took someone else pointing out that my SA was an SA and not just a "moral failing" on my part.

[@sea_of_love]

seeing this right now and very sad to hear what jono went through in college, what the girl did was terrible.... thank for still showing support. great video.

[@deserttrekkie]

That film clip was triggering. That is exactly what happened to me when I went to a coworkers party. I knew I drank to much, so I went to hide in her room to sober up when it happened. "L," said she asked her friend why I would make such an accusation and he denied it. The more detail I tried to give the more she had this indifferent stare and asked about the other men prior I've been with. Which was enough for her and I blocked out who she gossiped with about it. There was a mutual friend of L and I, my dearest friend "K," who I cried to about it. His response was that he didn't want to hear about it and acknowledged L and I had a "dispute" over the truth. I didn't know anything back then, other than maybe I was the one causing drama and I didn't want to lose K. We were becoming closer than friends until that day. I lost all respect before I realized it. All that was in 06 and that fvcked me up for the next 15 years.. what makes me want to SCREAM, is that she became a radio personality and had a decent following for years after and became an advocate for mental health. It's not fair. I knew if I was to ever call her out, I would get dog piled and hence the point of this vid. Please, believe victims. You don't know the depth of their suffering.

[@kristibunny1620]

Thank you for addressing this, such an important and under discussed topic (years ago I was…at risk…and no one I reached out to helped. Even this video would have been huge! I ended up being that no one else would take care of my dog that kept me from the edge. So so much better now and so glad thats not how things went, hard to see that in the moment though) 🖤🐾 Dont give up, it WILL get better.

[@unit38421]

How to ruin your relationship with your client with one simple question.

[@KxNOxUTA]

If a relationship can be runied with one simple question, it cannot have been a very solid one. Though I'm not sure what this is about.

[@T.Beattie89]

Promising Young Woman was amazing and so well done… Thank you for this video, guys ❤

[@alisonbarlow7836]

I agree it is always best to believe the victim and also, as a black woman, I think about the black men who have been brutally and sadistically murdered because white women claimed they had raped them. For example, Emmett Till. And I also think about the women who were not heard when they spoke up about sexual assault. One could argue that white men cared about white women getting SAed but no they didn't, they cared about power and keeping people of color in their place.

[@Magicme79]

I was a young woman in the late 90s, early 2000s. Three of my close friends were raped. I’ve been sexually assaulted several times. None of us ever reported what happened, because - quite frankly - it would have been pointless, at best, and we would have been punished for it, at worst. Probably both.

[@MendedLight]

I'm so sorry you went through that and that society wasn't there for you.

[@kiku-goldenflower7731]

I feel the need to point out reputations arnt always based in reality. I was acused regularly of being a slut at school because most of my friends were guys despite being a virgin (still am, now realise im ace)

[@corneliahanimann2173]

This makes so much sense actually. Just the part that you decided to hang with guys, because with guys you don't necessarily have to share your history, so you don't have to defend yourself as ace, and people just went wherever their minds went... I'm probably projecting but I'm sorry to hear that you had to put up with that stuff.

[@kiku-goldenflower7731]

@Cornelia Hanimann I'm also autistic (though I didn't know that either at the time). The social rules with guys are simpler and more straightforward and so made more sense to me compared to a group of girls. I'm not aromantic so I still wanted a relationship but had problems establishing one due to my autism. Friendship was a known entity and safer so the ace thing didn't really become particularly pertinent till later.

[@corneliahanimann2173]

@@kiku-goldenflower7731 oh damn, this is such a tough spot to be in, especially in a society that has this attitude towards women that are into romance but not sexually providing... I'm sorry that you've had to make sense of such a complicated situation

[@kiku-goldenflower7731]

@Cornelia Hanimann I apreasiate the sympathy but I'm alright. I'm good with who I am. I do worry a bit about incels and the like though.

[@Sombokor]

This is very true. I used to work at a place where the employees had dorms and so we formed a small community there. I was very popular when I arrived and I remember hearing so many stories about me sleeping with people I spoke once or twice for 2 minutes... And there were guys who were angry at me for not sleeping with them, because I guess they thought I was easy... (I slept with 2 people in that one year...)

[@christophergarrett7082]

I love promising young woman. Itself an brilliantly written movie. I'll never understand why it didn't win best picture over nomiland

[@stephanieleblond3495]

i think people think it was a girly movie it was very pink and bubble gummy. But it was honestly very very good

[@gerardzaklinac]

Thank you for spreading the message!

[@carolinechristensen3236]

Can you do a video about being toxic in relationships and being aware of it but somehow still do those things

[@crazyratlady3115]

I always think about it like this: We teach children how to cross the road safely - and we teach drivers that they need to be attentive, vigilant, and observant of the law. If a driver hits a pedestrian, the driver is to blame. Even if the pedestrian runs out into the road. Even if it was at night, and they were wearing all black, walking along a road they really shouldn't be on. I don't know that many people could run over someone even in the most 'they were asking for it' conditions, then look at themselves in the mirror and say 100% that they have no culpability. Most of them would probably end up with PTSD. I've heard of drivers in this position who never drove again.

[@eyesofthecervino3366]

If you can't investigate with an open mind, then you have no business being involved in the investigation at all. Don't dismiss the accuser. Don't condemn the accused. Investigate.

[@jufajardini]

I need help in helping someone who has been/is in an abusive relationship but believes they're twin souls and if they left, they'd be betraying their love. I need help in helping a person I cannot reach in person, but who's sharing traumatic experiences with me, and lives in a country where they can't get proper/trustworthy professional help. I worry for them...

[@reallifeanswers9764]

We don't point out what part of town a mugging victim was in when they're mugged and ask why they were there. We don't question their judgment and tell them they were asking to be mugged. So why ask a woman if she was asking for it?

[@vega1349]

I don’t agree with your takeaway that people blame the victim because they don’t want to believe it could happen to them. I think it has much more to do with society’s archaic views of women and sexual purity. Most people who victim blame are following “rules” that the victim doesn’t, and the inherent judgement (really, disdain) against women who do not “follow the rules” make it easy to blame them for men’s bad behavior. Also, in many cases, men are not expected to follow the rules sexually, either because “boys will be boys” or because as you mentioned, they “physically can’t control themselves.”

[@KxNOxUTA]

Jono was talking about different principles that apply. They are working in the field so I'd say they are incredibly likely to have solid experience with that. People are not a one-size-fits-all and it's unreasonable to expec htem all to show the same behaviour based of one single reason. That's not how people work. There are different motivations. What they mentioned was one form of psychological coping that people do indeed display. Even I have had these discussions and actually had that very talk, calling people out on their fears (which OFCOURSE frequently are rooted in biases like sexism) not being an excuse to be hurtful at the expens of others and thus abusive towards them. And you can almost see the wheels turn when people realise they're readily throwig a potential survivor under the bus for a potential abuser.

[@corneliahanimann2173]

There is one situation where I have been in the corner of doing the victim blaming. I had a friend who lives in the middle east, in a country where the law will not side with the woman. For that reason she has already experiencedmany instances of assault, and I had been talking with her a bout these things and was a friend-butI eventually hit a compassion fatigue and told her I'm only willing to truly listen to her, when I know she's also seeing a therapist for the things that are happening to her. It was really a weird state of mind i had entered, because I was going through my own issues at the time, and just having to listen to her continuing to meet up with strangers in a country like that, was just eating away at my patience that I eventually just didn't feel sorry for her anymore, not because she wasn't deserving of compassion, but because I had gotten used to her stories. In the last situation she messaged me and told me the guy she had slept with had assaulted her by removing the condom while they had intercourse, he had asked her if she's okay with that, and she said no, he was a bit playful with wanting to continue because he said he had gotten tested a month ago and should be fine. She was too drunk to say no for a second time and continued, and then after they were done he told her to go back to her hotel because he doesn't want her to sleep next to him. This was the part that she mentioned most often, not that he didn't respect her when she said no, but that he didn't let her sleep over. I just asked her to ask her therapist for guidance, and he had the same reaction as I did, and asked her why she put herself in that situation again. So this is when I told her that I just have this feeling that she's not actually upset at all, about the assault, but she just seemed very upset that she once again had run into a dude that triggered her abandonment issues, and she really just brought up the assault because she wanted to push past my boundries of being not in the right state of mind to deal with her problems. So, I don't know if this really fits this frame here, because I don't think what she experienced was not assault, I just feel like we neglect to see that the definitions of assault and all that stuff have changed since the metoo movement, and I think especially in a country where assault is quickly excused asthe victims fault, this condom removing thing easily falls into misunderstood grey area, and we are not that long past the point where that would have been considered grey area aswell.

[@KartarNighthawk]

It can be both those things. In fact not wanting to believe that it could happen to you is a major player in keeping those archaic rules and judgements going. The mindset is "this can't happen to me because I followed the rules, ergo any woman this happens to must be breaking the rules."

[@jerryfresh2252]

I was like where are the comments its a new video lol

[@babybug6462]

You guys should do the reverse. A woman who claimed she was assaulted by an innocent man.

[@ripanchowdhury9992]

What John told happened to him is absolutely reprehensible. Regarding allegations of SA, the correct procedure is the identities of both the alleged victim and the alleged perpetrator must be kept secret from the press or everyone till the investigation is completed. Sadly, this process is still not implemented. On separate note, I would very much like to know if the person who falsely accused John faced any repercussion. If not, then Why? For her action is a lot more damaging. It might have destroyed some innocent's whole life. Moreover, people like her is the reason why future real cases of SA will also be questioned and the survivor will be even more traumatized

[@dearbrave4183]

I love the commercial 😂❤

[@lilyofthevalley3059]

I think youtube should take a basic math class because it clearly does not know how to count. It says there are 0 comments, yet I can clearly see at least 18 comments.

[@nuhwe]

❤️

[@warrengday]

Great comedy deframing clip.

[@donovanmedieval]

Silk top hat and tails. Gold and diamond rings, bracelets, cfflinks and hatband.

[@yopomdpin6285]

There is an issue by saying "statistically, most claims are not crying wolf". Even thoug that IS true, statistics don't work on an individual basis. You can't just say "statistically most claims are true therefore this claim I'm hearing right now is true". That just not how statistics work. The only valid reaction is : "I do not have all the information, therefore I'm holding my judgment"

[@willadkins1354]

Some therapists really need to retake their statistics classes

[@Cheezitnator]

What's your point? Either way every accusation should be taken seriously and investigated. They never say to believe everyone implicitly.

[@yopomdpin6285]

@@Cheezitnator of course accusation should be investigated properly. But that's not what they're talking about in the video

[@raleighvar]

If, statistically, most claims are true, it doesn’t seem unfair to say that a claim is likely to be true. Like others said, you then review the evidence to decide.

[@yopomdpin6285]

@@raleighvar except that it has nothing to do with fairness. Statistics don't apply to individual. They apply to a whole. So even if 99% of reported claims were true, that does not mean that at any given moment one specific claim is true. It only means that if you had an infinite amount of claims, 99% of them would be true. But if you pick one at random, you can't know if it is one of the 99% or one of the 1% until you investigate that specific claim. Every claims must be investigated properly. But to say to believe that every claim is true from the get go is nonsensical.

[@victoriafrost5461]

Playing devils advocate, what happens if a woman does lie about such a situation? That makes the actual real situations of SA and r*#$ as being false and not believed in. It's hard to parse out falsehoods from truth which harms the victims in not getting the help and safety they need.

[@EgoreTR13]

I don't think "you were asking for it" is something a therapist should say, and I don't think they ever do. The question "what were you wearing" comes from the same mindset of "were you using your phone in public" when it got stolen in a sketchy area. Or "did you leave your laptop on the backseat" when your car window gets smashed and laptop stolen in an area known to do that. We also have a responsibility of mitigating our own vulnerability and attracting the wrong attention. And showing up somewhere in an explicit outfit while drinking and no company to watch you is putting a target on your back.

[@katiefitzharris8365]

You have been fortunate to not run into a therapist who would say that, because they do exist, and they have said that. Any time the questions of "what were you wearing?", "were you drinking too much?", "why did you go by yourself?", etc. are all implicitly sending the message of "you were asking for it." Regarding your last sentence, can women no longer go to the bar alone? What exactly do you mean by "explicit outfit"? One that shows cleavage, or is just low cut, or open back, or shows a lot of thigh, or strapless? Would you say a women who is at the beach wearing a bikini, which is a pretty 'explicit' outfit, and drinking a margarita who gets sexually assaulted didn't take enough precautions? You talk about the responsibility of the victim to mitigate their vulnerability and not attract 'unwanted attention', but you say nothing of people's responsibility to act like a decent human being that respects the boundaries of others, to not see a woman as a thing to be immediately sexualized, to not make assumptions based on someone's clothing or their perceived behavior that they must secretly want someone to sexually interact with them, to respect that every person is allowed to say 'no' regardless of what they are wearing, to realize that everyone is responsible for their own actions, to know that permission and consent are never implied and must always be explicitly asked for and given. Instead of putting the onus solely on all potential victims to try and predict and control the actions of all potential perpetrators, the onus should instead be placed on each person to control their own actions and behave in a way that is respectful towards everyone, regardless of what they are wearing, if they are drinking too much, or if they are alone.

[@eyesofthecervino3366]

The irony here is that I'm pretty sure rpsts are more likely to go after conservative-looking women -- they figure we're more submissive and less likely to put up a fight than a chick with a crop top and blue hair. So asking what a victim was wearing really is just pure victim blaming, thinly disguised as advocating "personal responsibility."

[@EgoreTR13]

@@katiefitzharris8365 I never said it's the sole responsibility of the victim when they are in situation like this. The default mode is that ppl shouldn't do wrong, but acting like ppl will only be "good ppl" is naive and outside of reality. Your argument about "women not allowed to go out alone anymore" is fallacious as that's not my argument. I'm saying they need to be accountable for the reality of the situation and take measures. If you know you're in the category of the most vulnerable in the bar, acknowledge it and do things about it. I got robbed when I was younger and almost stabbed for a freaking watch and because I dressed "rich" and trusted ppl. After that I paid attention who was around me, where I walk and what I wear. You have to be accountable with your own capacity to protect yourself instead of expecting ppl to be "nice".

[@donovanmedieval]

Maybe in that movie the woman in that movie got drugged, but doesn't a woman have a responsibility not to get black out drunk. Just like we have a responsibility to lock our doors and windows when we leave the house, in order to prevent burglary.

[@sadvamp9963]

so being black out drunk is an excuse to be sexually assaulted? you need serious help if you think someone who isn’t able to defend them deserves to be sexually assaulted. and most sexual assaults don’t occur at parties or some dark alley, most of the time sexual assault happens in the victims home or near the victims home. this “responsibility”that you think women need to have should be put on the person committing the crime, saying stuff like this only encourages sexual predators to prey on victims because they know the victim will be blamed not them. change your way of thinking if you really care about sexual assault survivors.

[@donovanmedieval]

@@sadvamp9963 I'm ot defending sexual assault. I'm saying that you can't control what the rest of the world is going to do, regardless of whether it's right or wrong, you can only control what you do.

[@greatgyatso5429]

Amber Heard.

[@TheMrsWatcher]

Amber Heard is a good example of an abuser, yes.

[@kyroveron88]

We are going to gloss over men being SA'd? Okay...

[@RTCPhotoWork]

They deserve separate videos. They have different issues and societal issues attached to them even though they seem like the same topic.

[@KxNOxUTA]

No, not necessarily. The dynamics there tend to b a bit different. This video does not claim to be a complete guide on all groups, cases and scenarios either. You could have made a choice to voice this important matter as a suggesion for a next video, how about it?

[@KoopaKontroller]

Ah yes, don't worry, you aren't the first "but what about the MeN?!!?! Can't we make this about men too!"??!?! comment.

[@kyroveron88]

@@KoopaKontroller shit response...

[@kyroveron88]

@@KxNOxUTA I could...

[@TheMrsWatcher]

Partying, sleeping around, getting drunk is a choice. Like it or not, putting yourself in a position to get drugged is a choice. It's not your choice to get graped afterwards, but we should be able to recognize the connection between party culture and these SA events.

[@whimsicaldaffodil3752]

“Putting yourself in a position to get drugged is a choice.” How does one put themself in a position to get drugged? By existing around someone who might try to drug them? It sounds to me like you’re arguing for women to withdraw from men completely, and form our own societies

[@KxNOxUTA]

Nonsense! Lying naked in the street is not an invitation to get raped, got it? You can lie naked in the streets after getting robbed, too. No touching of people who are not safe, sane & consensual is EVER appropriate. And this is also misinformation! Getting drnk is NOT always a choice, addictions exist. People do not CHOOSE to get out of hand. People are coping in bad ways for very solid reasons. There's a ton of evidence behind it and disregarding this is exactly how "victim shaming" works. It does not matter that there is a corelation between parties and sexual assault. It does STILL not need that anything is wrong with parties. It means that abusers target parties and one reason is, because look how you step forward to imply that if it's that type of circumstance, then supposedly survivors can be attributed responsibility. No. That is like saying that people with expensive cars are to blame for theft if they don't part at specifically extra extra secured expensive car places. When you imply that survivors are in any way responsible for their abuse, then you are implying that we as a society are supposed to build our society around abusers and not live our lives and hold htem accountable to 100% for their abuse of others. I'm holding you accountable for implying that people can not be expected to be safe at parties. When in reality most sexual assaults are happening by the most close people and family. Not at parties. And it's also not OK to imply that people who party and need psychological support to not go overboard and e.g. end up medically unsafe, are OK to abandon cause they "chose". We don't refuse help to people who chose to drive and got hit by another car either. And when the other car driver did it intentionally, we sure as heck don't blame the survivor of "being on the street when there's a clear connection between driving and car accidents"

[@KoopaKontroller]

People have literally gotten drugged just by going and getting a drink from a bar due to a bartender who slipped it in. Are you telling people that no one should ever go anywhere and get a drink?

[@whimsicaldaffodil3752]

@@KoopaKontroller right, or even drugged by their own husband or family member in their own home

[@KartarNighthawk]

Statistically speaking most women get raped by someone they know. Not some random dude at a party.