Healing Betrayal Trauma--Full Version

Kristin Snowden, MA, LMFT specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate relationship crisis caused by addiction, infidelity, or emotional abuse. Kristin provides evidence-based, neurologically-informed trauma treatment information, including current recommendations for treat betrayal trauma (the trauma one experiences when s/he is betrayed by a close trusted loved one). Kristin provides education on how trauma rewires the brain based on Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk’s book The Body Keeps the Score. It is important to educate yourself on the symptoms and treatment of betrayal trauma. Kristin has once a month webinars where she discusses everything related to mental health, personal and relational growth, and addiction recovery.
(This is not therapy, it’s for educational purposes only)
www.kristinsnowden.com | [e-mail]
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www.SexandRelationshipHealing...
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#betrayaltrauma #couplesincrisis #infidelity #addictionrecovery #betrayedpartners #divorce #couplestherapy

[@sandhillcranberry]

The ‘Body Keeps the Score” helped me so much I was married to a serial cheating wife and had the horrible mind movies EVERYDAY for 20 years. I am just starting to understand the mind alway looking for safety

[@twelvestepcorky]

Me too.

[@lisatruthseeker2748]

My top pcks are 'Healing the inner child' Louise Hay, Hay House publishers. AND ' THE covert PASSIVE AGRESSIVE NARCISSIST', Debbie Mirza ( very empathetic and supportive, totally on point! She lived it and gets it! I spent a fortune on audibles, CDs and Books over the past 7 years. I couldnt find a therapist that I could feel understood with the depth of what I feel is betrayal at a soul level. I was betrayed half my life living in lies unknowingly. Half my life with a man who planned to keep me tripping up and on an emotional rollercoaster.

[@kimpuchek1956]

@@lisatruthseeker2748, Are you interested in sharing or selling these videos /books,CD’s? I’m on the journey with my SA husband finding healing for myself. It’s not the education that I thought I would getting in retirement, that’s for sure!

[@KristinSnowden]

This is a great set of referrals and resources for you and your husband. Scroll to the bottom for books sexandrelationshiphealing.com/resources/

[@arturanderson3756]

@@lisatruthseeker2748 Thank you so much for this information. I'm trying to heal from betrayal also. I guess I need to educate myself on these issues. But this is so unfair. It shoud be the perpetrators to educate themselves, not the victims.

[@spiritwarrior1111]

I love this lady! she totally gets it! Great advice. The first couple weeks I couldn’t hear shit the meditation said , my brain was in crisis, fuses blown, shocked then grief. I could not concentrate, spaced out, at times dissociated . Weeks later I look forward to them, it helps me sleep at night and decreases my nightmares. Glad I kept listening. Laws...Definitely should not ignore the Enormity of the impact of mental & emotional abuse! It is ABUSE!

[@KristinSnowden]

This is amazing!!! So happy to hear! Thank you for sharing and I’m so glad you were able to get some benefit from it. You’re inspiring me to be better and more consistent at meditating.

[@melissafoster9701]

I have wolves for pets and horses but been so depressed I don't pet them I will do that now thank you

[@DebiSilber]

While healing from betrayal is hard, it isn’t just possible, it’s predictable. One of the biggest factors? Your willingness to let go of the old story, the old hurts, the old you...in order to create something new and even better. When you do, you learn to trust again, feel safe again, open your heart again, and love again.

[@cherylmartin9031]

How do I do that. The pain is killing me and would do anything to take pain away. I haven't slept all night

[@kimpuchek1956]

What do you mean by predictable?

[@cherylmartin9031]

@@kimpuchek1956 I think she got into that relationship knowing fully well that the other person was someone else's hence she "predicted " their relationship wasn't going far. If you loved and trusted 100% , I tell you the pain is very very breaking. 4 years down the line..im still pained and sometimes I can't sleep or breathe. I can say ine only learns how to live with the pain.....I haven't healed and I'm soo far away from healing coz sometimes I get very bad thoughts towards those who helped destroy my family and life

[@DebiSilber]

@@kimpuchek1956 I did a PhD study on betrayal-what holds us back, what helps us heal and what happens to us (physically, mentally and emotionally) when the people closest to us lie, cheat and deceive. That study led to 3 discoveries. One what that if we're going to fully heal (from symptoms of Post Betrayal Syndrome to the space of Post Betrayal Transformation-2 of the discoveries) we'll move through 5 now proven and predictable stages. That's what I meant by predictable because now we know what happens at every stage and what it takes to move from one stage to the next. I talk about it in my TEDx: "Do You Have Post Betrayal Syndrome?" and the stages are laid out in my book: Trust Again: thepbtinstitute.com/trustagain/ . Hope that helps!

[@user-tb1ro6zp4o]

Thank you for saying the above message

[@maureensidor3532]

When I first escaped my marriage, 3 years ago- I was pointing my finger at him. As time has passed, I began to look within. I asked myself such questions as - what about ME is attracting these types of men? Why did I accept that kind of treatment? Where was my self-worth? Self compassion, self respect? So I decided to heal ME. By no means am I fully healed - what I'm aware of now is to look within. Heal at a soul level. Love & Peace to all

[@KristinSnowden]

That take a lot of courage to do. Thanks for sharing.

[@MsNicholeR]

This is phenomenal. Very well versed and laid out for anyone to be able to internalize the information and apply it. This is definitely the best resource I have seen on this topic.

[@jamiecargill6664]

The Body Keeps The Score changed my entire life. Thumbs up for days!!!

[@janerobinson1078]

Thank you, I have been trying to heal from betrayal for 14 years, some days the pain is unbearable , I will look up the book you mentioned, thank you

[@nvang24]

Thank you for this. We were seeking out for help and was seeing a marriage therapist who claimed to be a specialist in betrayal trauma. Had to stop seeing her because at the end of every sessions, we both felt she was not helping with the healing but wanted to push the betrayal part to the side and she made me feel like I'm crazy to want to talk about the betrayal. She kept telling me I needed to move on, otherwise my spouse might not want to continue with this relationship. We were only 3 weeks from D-day! After listening to this, we stopped seeing her. Wish I could find this kind of help where I live. 😔

[@KristinSnowden]

I hope you found someone that was helpful? I’m a therapist too and I can definitely blow it sometimes with meeting my clients where they’re at. Maybe the book Prodependence by Rob Weiss would be helpful to your healing journey?

[@kirareedagain7475]

I am deeply hurting as well. I have tried therapy and it really doesn't help. I am reaching out to find a pen pal of sorts. I need someone who knows what I have been through. Someone who won't discount me. I hope you are okay and I hope you know you are not alone 💖

[@KristinSnowden]

There are always remote 12-step meetings you could attend to find support.

[@sayusayme7729]

A lot of therapists get into the profession because they can identify with trauma. Often end up with clients that mirror that trauma. Thank you, just an observation. There are great specialists , it’s worth finding what works.

[@Kathy-qu8zj]

Save yourself some pain and let the divorce go thru and start living your life again. Ditch the jerk.

[@lisatruthseeker2748]

I had EMDR in a long term divorce after 23 yrs with a wht collar VP, CFO passive agressive covert narc. After going through the finances I was shocked into PTSD and fibromyalgia with chronic fatigue from much he swindled and kept from us. He always told me we cant afford it, when it came to big expenses, and I believed him, he had his Pepperdine MA and was a Promise Keeper ( in hindsight -if it wasnt something he wanted). I got my answer as to why I would believe him that we couldnt afford it, when I felt it was important (like family vacations other than using my moms timeshare trade in....) I got my answer in less than 10 mins with a visual like a short trailer in my life movie. I used it for a simular phrase and why I always felt there was never enough time ( because there wasnt, he was gone 12-14 hours m-f and I played both roles to our 4 children (twins and 2 singles). I questioned a co worker of 20 yrs and was told he basically was at the office 9-5 and left at noon on fri. The office is 17 miles from home..... He had affairs and chose to take time and money from us. The cognative dissonance for us seems to be long term from the decades of lies....he has dragged on the divorce for 7 years, turned in false docs and hide and seek accounts, making up docs, etc. Not negotiable. So im packing up the house, filling out a new I&E while I look for my 3rd attorney who can focus on the case and not just settle retirenment ( which he only declared half of what he told me it was a year prior to filing), and alamony. He even sold stock from work and cashed in vacation time, and has no answer as to why! It was so shocking to me waking from the fog. He had me chronically so busy and exhausted. I never had time to think about checking up on our finances, plus he got a po box and paid online. I married a monster... I can show enough money he took in the last 10 years of marriage to buy out his half of our home, so im asking for the home to sell and put half in annuities for our 4 young adult children to get a monthly income for counseling or vacations, etc or let it grow. Ill take us on the cruise that we always could afford! Im also going to ask that as far as financial orders to make it with preduice, and allow me to come back if theres a large enough discovery. I caught a deposit of a company check twice a year on a second bank chain with a different employee number... such a swindler!

[@rubyannesays]

I’m in Australia, and am looking for a therapist as qualified as this wonderful lady 🙏🏼

[@katsarti9224]

Me too

[@KristinSnowden]

I have some live workshops and online courses launching in case those are some options that my complement your healing process. www.kristinsnowden.com/

[@twelvestepcorky]

Thank you guys so much. Big help.

[@SR-qr6zf]

Thank you for this

[@arturanderson3756]

This helped a lot. Thank you so much.

[@A_Fairy007]

Thank you so much, your channel has saved my ass

[@Oakcliff214]

Thank you for your knowledge and giving me a better clarity of what I was going on in my life moving on, I was going trough the same thing as well I'm over the betrayal trauma.

[@atimmins912]

Exactly what one of our 7 therapists did for over 2 years....in it for over 24yrs

[@catsasmrgo9452]

Thanks very helpful

[@nimishadabhi-armas827]

You guys are great. I will get book today. I really need help. You totally understood exactly what I'm going through. Thank you

[@KristinSnowden]

Great. I also have a betrayed partners workshop beginning Oct 12. www.kristinsnowden.com/copy-of-services-rates-1

[@victoriabarry1561]

Very helpful

[@MrMllx]

hearing you say a basic therapist will not recognize betrayal trauma is helpful for contextualizing the "marriage counseling" we had many years ago and maybe i can forgive that therapist a bit knowing it's a common mistake

[@KristinSnowden]

I'm glad it can give you some context and a framework for forgiveness. Thats a tough one....

[@reg8297]

Trauma doesn't have to be from a husband it can be ones parents

[@KristinSnowden]

Absolutely.

[@RedSirenX]

Hi Kristin, thanks for you input. I have a problem with this, but I'm afraid to face the pain of it and have often tried breathing techniques also. I find myself being restless and can't relax.

[@traddymom4368]

Maybe offer some suggestions for people who cannot do yoga for spiritual reasons. I am Catholic and it is against our Faith to do yoga. It is breaking the first Commandment. SO....we have meditative prayer that does the same thing to our mind, but keeps faithful to God. I am going to try meditation....in prayer according to St. Theresa of Avila. She is amazing. God bless you for all you do.

[@KristinSnowden]

Hi. Thanks for your share. Aside from yoga I encourage anything that involved deep breathing, mind/body connection, and attempts to stay in the “here and now” (ie paying attention to your breath and body in lieu of your grocery list). So any kind of dance can be helpful, tai chi, and the things you mentioned too.

[@RobinHerzig]

It's great to find validation + support by online experts. It's a whole other thing to find specialists who'll accept your insurance or medicaid/medicare #MedicareForAll

[@KristinSnowden]

So true. Congress *just* passed and signed a law *finally* allowing licensed marriage and family therapists to accept Medicare. LMFTs have been lobbying for that for decades and only recently have been given access. So hopefully that will help you in your journey to find a well qualified professional.

[@RobinHerzig]

@@KristinSnowden Yes! Wherever I look for trauma-informed or attachment based or somatic specialists (accepting Medicare and/or Medicaid), they're always private practice* even with sliding scales, it's still super expensive for my fixed-income limited budget. Not giving up tho. The more I learn about betrayal trauma + CPTSD the more certain I am that I'm on the right path. *or not accepting new patients 😕 ps. Bessel van der Kolk is a hero🦸

[@TranscendingTrauma]

I wonder what the connection is between someone that was scapegoated as a child and someone that ended up with a partner that betrayed them. Curious about your thoughts Kristin. I unfortunately relate deeply to having them in both roles, the scapegoat and the betrayed partner.

[@passdahotsauce]

Unfortunately I got the marriage counselor you talked about.

[@Sue6420]

If your partner apologises over their betrayal, is that enough? What should the traumatized partner do to get over it

[@KristinSnowden]

It is often much more complicated than that. I have several videos that cover this topic and provide guidance on how many people get through betrayal trauma.

[@emilianolopez4289]

Why do you think good people get to have toxic parents? Is there any more profound reason behind it? WHEN SOMEONE VIOLETES YOUR SOUL YOUR SPIRIT, THE CORE OR YOU WHERE GOODNESS LIVES, THERE CAN BE NO FORGIVENSS FOR HAVING HURT THEPART OF MYSELF. My soul keep demanding for justice, for vengance too. I CANNOT HANDLED MY RAGE OUTBURTS BECAUSE OF THE INJUSTICE!!!

[@gulletterhonda]

Good video. I’ve been betrayed by my siblings, niece, fiancé, and my mom. These are people I love and expect better. I know I can’t undo. Two of these people are deceased. I am not trying to keep the relationships going with my siblings or my niece. I just want to feel better and let go of anger.

[@ShinFuYux]

Can you make a video on people who are intense, controlling their expectations, and taking care of their own loneliness?

[@KristinSnowden]

Yes. Check out the couple of videos I did on shame and vulnerability.

[@KristinSnowden]

Meaning: in theory, anyone who’s overly controlling or trying to “take care of their own loneliness” has a vulnerability issue. They’re trying to mitigate their circumstances and avoid harm when exposing themselves to the whims and uncertainty of people and life. It’s not possible to avoid vulnerability. Everyday we’re exposed but we use a lot of poor coping skills to manage the visceral affects of feeling so vulnerable to this world and other humans.

[@ShinFuYux]

@@KristinSnowden is Codependency just an extreme fear of vulnerability? I feel like my intensity, high expectations, and loneliness stems from Codependency. I come from a Hispanic family and our culture is pretty well known to be enmeshed, overbearing and over controlling. Once I stepped away from that, I'm starting to realize how "disconnected" I feel.

[@KristinSnowden]

Perhaps.... these thoughts and concepts are best explored with trained professionals who are trained in these topics.

[@HDMelugin]

How does this effect children. I have 3 kids with my ex. His sex issues lead him to prison and becoming a registered sex offender. How do I heal and how do I help my kids, I’m trying my best to raise my kids right and never had a name for what I’m going through but now I see why I feel the way I do, why my weight has increased and why I do not sleep.

[@KristinSnowden]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with so much hurt, betrayal and stress. I would encourage you to seek the resources on SexandRelationshipHealing.com (its all free). I believe some of their podcasts discuss how to handle talking to the kids about what's happened.

[@raynardriley9528]

I would like to see a video talking about sex addiction. Can a person who is engaging in sex outside of their relationship actually be using the sex as a coping mechanism to be able to endure the unfulfilling relationship that they are in. Are they truly sex addicts, or is there a special category for a person in this situation?

[@KristinSnowden]

the question ? The website I do this for: Sexandrelationshiphealing.com is all about sex addiction, the different categories and subsets of addiction, etc. You will probably have most of your questions answered there...or at least connect with many experts in the field whom you can work with further.

[@sven8633]

I am not a professional, but i have used sex as my coping mechanism. I have measured how healthy my relationships are by the sex. I thought it was an addiction and went for help, which is where i found out i had childhood trauma from physical abuse and abandonment.

[@joleencox5900]

Is there a amount of time after discovering infidelity and drug addiction before I would be "ready" for therapy for healing? I feel like I need help but I dont feel like I'm any better than I was than the day I found out so I dont know if my brain could even be open to trying to heal.

[@KristinSnowden]

Without knowing your story, I wonder if a support group with others who might understand betrayal trauma and can help you might be a good option? What makes you feel “not ready”?

[@KristinSnowden]

Here’s some betrayal trauma groups www.kristinsnowden.com/copy-of-services-rates-1

[@NewberryFamilySkits]

Ya know? You know? You know? Exhausting to listen to the interviewer. KRISTEN IS PERFECT And RARE! Thank you Kristen for all you SEE AND UNDERSTAND!!!

[@Sue6420]

How can I access the betrayed partner's group?

[@KristinSnowden]

www.kristinsnowden.com/copy-of-services-rates-1

[@reg8297]

What about betrayel of a parent in childhood that leads to meeting an abuse partner and life getting destroyed and family thru brainwashing of one parent

[@KristinSnowden]

Betrayal can happen within any trusting, vulnerable relationship.

[@c.s.102]

The lion is on the shelf untill ... we are aware for each of us who of experienced metoo totally different.

[@wordivore]

I'm wondering why you don't introduce the other woman in your videos? I found you originally from your gaslighting video. Which was just you on camera. I got so much out of that video, I subbed to the channel. The next video I posted I clicked so fast. But then suddenly after you spoke for a little while, suddenly there was someone else there I never saw before. It was a bit of a shock. It's nothing at all against the second woman at all. It actually has nothing to do with her. It was just this kind of a shock to my brain and I was like, "Where did she come from? Why was she not introduced?" Idk why it bothers me so much, but my guess is a sensitive nervous system has something to do with it along with the PTSD makes my brain need to know what's going on. Plus in the beginning of the video, there's this feeling that you're talking to me/us when you first start the video, then all of a sudden I/we find out that's not the case and you're actually talking to someone else who's in the video with you that I wasn't aware of. Even if she's a regular, it seems to me that it's a good idea to introduce that other person.

[@KristinSnowden]

Hi. Thanks for your feedback. I have it written in all the comments of my recent videos that these videos are edited down from hour-long live webinars that I do for sexandrelationshiphealing.com Tami Verhelst co-moderates the webinar and I try to edit it down to make it more palatable for all viewers. The full versions are on their website and KZbin channels. Technically, I’m The guest so she introduces me and helps funnel the Q & A. And she’s also an awesome asset to have because she has years of experience.

[@George-Aguilar]

Great video but really hurts that most of the pronouns assume the woman is the victim of betrayal

[@KristinSnowden]

Hi George. I’m sorry if the pronouns were shifted to one side of the spectrum. I try to always acknowledge that infidelity and betrayal cross all genders and are definitely not specific to men cheating on women.

[@lindapruitt1245]

The second lady says You Know. Way too much. Very distracting

[@TranscendingTrauma]

I wonder what the connection is between someone that was scapegoated as a child and someone that ended up with a partner that betrayed them. Curious about your thoughts Kristin. I unfortunately relate deeply to having been in both roles, the scapegoat and the betrayed partner.