HEALING CORE BELIEFS IN COMPLEX PTSD: POSITIVE/NEGATIVE BELIEFS/SHAME TRIGGERS (Journal #3)

If the antidotes to shame are connection and self compassion (in part,) and shame is universal on many levels, what about those who come from complex childhoods, where vulnerability was not modeled or safe or accepted, where connection meant loss of safety, where self compassion was non-existent?
This video is the 3rd in my journal series exploring what I believe is the core wound of growing up with toxic or wounded parents (Borderline/Narcissists/Wounded parents), as well as the many types of CPTSD experiences we can have, and our core injury, which is often our struggle with: shame.
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A childhood where you lacked attunement, safety, security and the ability to just be a child, is often a childhood where "I am bad, I am unworthy, It's always my fault, etc" are our go-to belief systems.
This video uses 2 journal exercises to help explore the relationship between our childhoods, CPTSD, shame, and the negative thoughts and beliefs we often hold.
And, it then offers a positive journal prompt or art design, to help you learn to change and heal the shame, plus a bonus writing prompt in the end.
❤️Journal Exercises in this video #3:❤️
Negative Beliefs/Thoughts
Positive Beliefs/Thoughts
Shame Triggers
**Bonus Journal Prompt: Write a letter to your future healed dream self....
xo
For more therapy related info, resources, etc please join my mailing list: www.drkimsage.com
@drkimsage

[@ashesforbeauty6582]

This is the only video I’ve found that focuses on HEALING! Thanks so much for making this video and the journal! So helpful! I’ve identified and acknowledged and gotten educated but now I need healing. I’m in wonderful therapy once a week but need some serious cognitive behavioral therapy like this and serious rewiring of my brain so I can move forward.

[@misspatsss]

Thank you ❤️ Most videos out there just point out Toxic shame as the result of trauma without any real focus on healing. The way you piece together all the effects of childhood trauma is a revelation for me. As the only daughter of an untreated narcissistic mother, I only wish I found this channel earlier. It would have saved me years of blaming myself for the wounds she inflicted me.

[@DrKimSage]

Morning! Hope you find this helpful! Please feel free to share (if you feel safe to do so) your own shame triggers like I shared mine! And, I am really curious to hear what you think so far! These first few journal pages are more "foundations" and we will be going deeper in the next few videos. Safe place and self compassion are next...and then we will be going into more classic CPTSD topics around dissociation, perfection, etc. Thank you so much for watching and sharing! Wishing you a beautiful day!

[@DrKimSage]

❤️❤️❤️Oh and yes, when I mention my therapist - it's because most of us in the field also see someone to help us with our own "stuff" and to help with our patient issues, etc --- it's not a sign of weakness or lack of clinical understanding (at least in my opinion!) it's a sign of strength. And frankly, I wouldn't trust anyone who thought they knew everything about everything, and never needed help or wanted to grow. It is truly because of my incredible therapist that I am here doing this on KZbin --and thanks to her and my own work, that I can share these topics, my vulnerability and my growth. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@treasureinyourgarden]

I was forced to marry this person when i was 23, where i was totally not happy with. But my parents, thought that was good for me, at that time i was very young and naive enough to take my own decisions, so i went on blindly marrying that person. It was toxic. He was toxic and his family. I don’t blame them, because they’re like that, but I didn’t wanted that for myself. And i broke the marriage within 2 months. And since then, i have been getting shamed for my decision. That since i broke a good marriage, I’m a bad girl. And also I’m not worthy of marrying a bachelor but only a divorcee. This is my greatest shame i shared. I felt truly vulnerable when you shared your own story. Thank you so much for sharing Dr. Sage. This has been my shame since so many years, i have social pressure too when i go out, i feel people’s think bad of me just because i did that or broke that marriage. But that thing, was not meant for me. I really didn’t wanted that marriage. But that brought me to this healing journey. I don’t know how to deal with this shame now. Because in india marriage is considered as something sacred that has to not be violated. And this shame is stopping me from marrying my perfect partner who is a bachelor. Because his mom feels I’m not worthy and that triggers me. Thank you for giving me a space to express myself. I hope you can shed some light on what i can do or suggest any video of yours to deal with.

[@marykennedysherin3330]

This is a wonderful video, thank you! 61 and still growing and healing with a 90 year old BPD, NPD mother, and ex husband. Until a counselor told me what I was dealing with I was so lost, confused and self loathing because I couldn't figure out why I wasn't "loveable " no matter how hard I tried and did everything " right "

[@formerfundienowfree4235]

I've been feeling like I need to cry but I can't. This video brought me to tears because it is soooo accurate. I see people post photos of themselves having fun in groups and families and it is so alien to me. I have a strong conscious aversion to it, but underneath I know rationally that isolation is unhealthy. My husband totally enables my self isolation. I go nowhere except work and mandatory errands. I don't think I will ever heal from this. I don't have the WILL to do the work. I no longer WANT to connect. My husband comes from a loving family so I don't understand why he is perfectly okay with practically zero social contact outside of our nuclear family. I feel like my relationships at work are deteriorating. I have such negative feelings toward people who are TOO social. It irritates me so much. I have even started feeling resentful towards people who had happy childhoods because it's just so unfair.

[@mendingmandy869]

I completely understand you. I isolate too. I used to think I was just introverted until recently. Then I realized I have a habit of pushing everyone away. It's not even conscious. It's like I feel like I mentally put up a wall. I don't let myself feel a deep connection with people. Then the emotional triggers happen and I convince myself my friends aren't safe. It's so lonely.

[@Zephromonia]

If you don't mind me asking, how is life for you now?

[@diamondbrownbb]

Thank you Dr. Kim Sage - this journal is really helpful and your videos make me feel seen and heard 💕

[@DrKimSage]

you are so welcome💕you deserve to feel seen and heard🙏🏻

[@story7088]

This journal series is great. Thank you for all the time and effort. It’s helping me so much!

[@SS-yh1tx]

Thank you for your authenticity and kind guidance! Can't imagine what you've been through to be able to teach this so empathically 🙏🤗🌍

[@DEFACTO9]

Thank you for sharing. The examples of how you journal were reassuringly welcome as an entry into healing. Thank You.

[@jettnatchez4776]

Ty. It helps to hear that I’m not the only one. So many selfish and thoughtless people everywhere. I just cannot understand them.

[@meaghanloos1150]

Hi there! This video found me at a good time in my mental healing. Could you perhaps do a video on parentification? I feel like that would possibly connect with this video as well. I was parentified as a child, starting at 10 years old, but could have also started when I was 5-6.

[@DrKimSage]

Yes I will add it to my list! Thank you for sharing!🙏🏻

[@theartfullibrarian4109]

What a terrible "friend". It would have completely triggered to too, but a real friend would have been just thrilled to have you there. What a jerk. I am sorry you went through that.

[@carolynwright3026]

Dr sage, thank you for sharing your story about the chicken! I know that it will apply to many viewers in different ways! So glad you are a therapist and that your life can be a blessing to so many people through your work each day and for all the good videos ❤️

[@murielbrown3013]

I remember once accidentally banging my head really hard. My immediate thought was, 'why does the universe hate me and hurt me?' Then I burst into tears. Even though I recognised my thoughts were completely irrational, the emotional pain and hurt was overwhelming.

[@shannon1455]

Ahh you are simply amazing. You actually answered a question that I didn’t know I needed to ask! Why can’t I be more vulnerable? What does vulnerability look like in a safe place? I am sort of slowly, seeing someone (narcissist survivor). The other day I made the comment of my walls are thicker than NORAD (We live in Colorado). He said well eventually you have to open the gates every now and then, when you are ready. I thought to myself: no I don’t, why do I need to do that? He must of picked up something in my face because he said; it’s wonderful to know that someone will help you through your struggles. I said back (showing the avoidant side of my disorganized attachment) Well you can be vulnerable with me and I will make sure you have a soft spot to land. Then changed the subject. This video explained why I have such a problem with that! On top of that, all the sudden Brene Brown’s name is popping up everywhere! I attended a road show with our Broker/Dealer and they sent me one of her books, then I am researching client gifts and her name kept popping up, now you mentioned her! I’m going to have to look into her! One of my biggest struggles with shame is I’m not worthy. I use to date men who I knew were not good so that way when they did a toxic behavior, I would look better. This helped me to feel like I wasn’t the worse person ever. I am struggling with my worthiness with this new one. He is extremely handsome, funny, kind, caring, understanding, and all I can think is one; you are not pretty enough, or you are going to hurt him because your horrible or my other thought is; he is too nice, are you sure he is not another narcissist, does he actually like you or is it that he wants to manipulate you? Are you being too vulnerable and he can see your codependent side and wants to trap you? There is no way he is a good guy. Girls like you don’t deserve a good guy. It’s so hard to carry this shame. I can’t thank you enough for doing this with us. You are truly a light. Thank you Dr. Sage. P.s I’ll eat your inorganic chicken enchiladas any day of the week. Thank you for sharing your story!

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you so much for sharing and posting...it's so true that vulnerability can be so dangerous and risky --that we will often try to avoid it at all costs! So great though, that you are aware and making connections about it ,so you can work on your healing...thanks for the chicken comment too:). 💕🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@laurabeigh283]

Thank you, Dr. Kim❤

[@georginarandolphgirl66]

I never felt loved growing up. I have major depression and anxiety disorder and I have had anxiety and depression since childhood. Therapy and medication doesn't seem to help much because I can't focus on them long enough. Mom was nurturing but also enabling my depression and anxiety but didn't take me to the doctor when I was struggling so much. I don't know what to do in life anymore. I don't know what to look forward to anymore and I don't have the energy to climb out if it. I was a people pleaser and care giver and burned myself out before I had a full hysterectomy over 8 years ago and it triggered a major depression and generalized anxiety disorder and even with meds I am still left with inertia, failure and fear to want to move forward. Fear of aging and being alone. As I got older I would look ahead to something good or fun to get myself out of feeling bad and now I can't do that anymore. I use to be so organized and smaller in weight and I haven't been able to work but i need money to live. My parents were unachievers and I am as well and learned passive helplessness or something. My parents had us late in life so I always had a fear of losing them.

[@wolfveinandroses]

I am so thankful I have found this video.

[@DrKimSage]

You are so welcome! Sending you strength and support in your healing! Welcome here:)!!

[@aseopyasuow4090]

Can I SAY THAT THIS IS A REMARKABLE VIDEO! THANK GOD I FOUND THIS CHANNEL. I found you via your dissociation video that was SO CLEAR. and the journalling looked incisive. I decided I'd spend this Saturday working my way through this playlist. I spent today doing the exercise from this video. I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT TRIGGER ACTUALLY MEANS. I had the wrong idea. And have written and written until I think I've exposed the triggers for their lack of need. THANK YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH ❤❤❤❤

[@cetaceans4progress375]

I really appreciate you sharing this story as someone with a lot of complex trauma and mental health issues imaging myself as a professional one day seems hopeless with the things that trigger and my mental health issues but knowing that you also had them and are as successful as you are gives me hope.

[@yuliayakovleva2831]

Thank you for making all of us heard

[@louisefairbrother8840]

Really enjoying this! Thank you!

[@davieburke]

Thank you very much for your help! I really needed this advice/journal exercise.

[@francesmowat4472]

Thanks just realized what I fear is me back to the start and not improve d is actually just a trigger of unresolved past. You make a lot of sense. Thanks for the clarity.

[@cassandrawhite1988]

Thank you Thank You Thank you for your amazing work and putting this information out there for us all

[@erikaviviane1385]

thank you! I feel this way

[@Sheywh12]

Is it normal to have felt the way you speak about myself and life as a young adult Without therapy have changed to where the right side has become more me at 58 than the left side was at say even in my 30’s ? Sometimes I think I need help and other time I think I’m okay I just don’t ever want to attract another BPD or NPD in my life my main Hangup is being a compulsive caretaker I know I’m okay! Also some control issues I’ve realized here recently watching your videos..

[@luciamixon4156]

I feel similarly although I now can feel the negativity and believe I can weed out selfish wishy washy people. Lots of them out there. Listen to your heart. Thanks for sharing. Lord have mercy on us.

[@Sheywh12]

@@luciamixon4156 Amen! On the mercy! I believe this is the times of exactly as the Bible speaks you will know them by their fruits!! Bless you too!! Thanks for the sweet comment...

[@Janiacster]

Thanks for sharing trigger story. I've been shamed by rich church people too.

[@pauline7076]

My mother was a narcissist, I no longer see her, and it was the best decision I ever made. I just wanted to say dr. Bradley Nelson’s book the emotion code has helped me heaps.

[@chantalc5012]

Thank you so much, you are a very caring person and I wish you could be my therapist… unfortunately, I don’t live in California. These videos are very helpful! 😊

[@lostamy27]

Hi Dr Kim... Another helpful in healing video...I hoping that I can get my daughter to watch it...I can totally identify with your disapointment of your friend not wanting to eat your chicken dinner...an example of expecting one outcome and it turning into something totally opposite and triggering an episode... Thank you for your sincere time... I was wondering if you could make a video on expectations and disappointment ...I was so depressed being alone, but I was happy expecting for days before Christmas that my out of state family would call me early in the day for a video call...I got dressed with makeup for a call. It turned out that the call was put off by them because of the craziness of the day, and ended up with no video and a quick hello to three members on the phone and they were in a hurry leave my sister's house. I didn't beg them during that day because I didn't want to be demanding, and my family is aware of my illness. I cried straight for two days and decided not to say anything to my sister until I talked to my therapist. I have to work on my expectations, like sending a text and expecting an immediate response. Maybe you could address these types of symptoms. Thanks so much...S

[@DrKimSage]

yes I will add it! please take very good care today!🙏🏻🙏🏻💕

[@lostamy27]

@@DrKimSage my therapist suggested not to tell my sister my anger and disappointment, but instead, make her the hero by saying how lucky she was to be surrounded by her family, cooking, and all the love. He said I shouldn't tell her or accuse her, but say that maybe next time she could turn on her speaker phone while she is cooking and that I'd be so happy to know what was going on and be included in such a wonderful time...not what I wanted to do, I wanted to make her feel really bad,but I have to reprogram my thoughts. One of my lessons I'm working on...

[@Jess2b_fit]

Plot twist: this “friend” only threw such a fit about the chicken because of her own insecurities and wanting to be seen as someone with some type of “high tier” label who only allows the finest things in her life. (Loved the story, it was the perfect fit for this video. so sorry you experienced that.. 🙏)

[@melaniejones8021]

The story you shared isn't dumb Kim. Your friend should have appreciated that you prepared the chicken dinner for everyone. There are to many starving kids and adults in the USA and all over the rest of the world to be worried about organic food.

[@user-oc2cu7gw9m]

thanks

[@bonez2002]

My question is, is it enough just to say the opposite of that negative belief eg if you believe “I am not lovable” then you change it to “I am loveable and worthy of love” is it enough just to say that? Don’t we need to change that negative belief into something more than just saying the opposite of it in order to actually work? Your thoughts please.

[@throttle4593]

Thank you for sharing your story. I can totally relate. Were you able to save the friendship?

[@DrKimSage]

Nope-I realized I had not spoken up enough and also realized that the choices I made in friendships (back when I did not understand why I was choosing) were never going to be healthy for me...and, I will say, divorce tends to change or end friendships....for so many reasons. But it was a light bulb moment! Thank you for sharing!!

[@SarahElise-so3sy]

Honestly to me, I had abandoned my true self way too much to even be able to do that work. That's when you know you need to do some serious shadow work 👀

[@gessrinky9129]

I struggle with worthiness greatly. I have never felt feminine, pretty or that I dressed nice. This stems from a narc mother and father who often put me down nor bought me clothes like the other kids had..my SIL is so beautiful, put together and stylish. Whenever I’m around her I feel sooooo ashamed and embarrassed..like an orger compared to her. It’s very triggering to be around her at all. I feel like I did in middle school next to the popular girls in their straight hair, pimple free skin and trendy clothes..there’s me on the sidelines in cutoff jeans, acne and bad haircut..😢

[@Megan6772]

"I can't eat this chicken" 😒 fine then starve. Ooof so sorry for this snooty "friend", how sad and pathetic she must feel inside, to let children wait when they're hungry, THAT'S the real shame, let alone her lack of empathy for you, I'm so sorry. Not a stupid story at all.

[@leannferreira661]

I'm struggling with dating. I've been divorced 29 years. I struggle with abandonment issues, from my mom. I was verbally abused by her in my teens when she returned. I'm triggered when men are overly nice with compliments such as your beautiful. I feel uncomfortable, cornered, untrusting and I retreat. When they retreat I race back because I do want but the cycle returns. Can you suggest a book or video of why. I'm searching for why to overcome

[@rickp.6251]

For every Oprah there are thousands even millions of people who are lost. Suggestion, check out some Tim Fletcher Finding Freedom videos on complex trauma.

[@gabrielle-AV-n-PFloyd]

I am not seeing or maybe missing the name/link to that journal..I would like to buy it

[@beliksmaldonado7397]

At what age do I share with my child about my mental illness and abuse and how much do I say?

[@Prince-B]

I mean then the roots of today I am asleep at the core I clean master and I still only thing I mowed I love you I want to be on my knees 7 AM I rather wash the dishes do you laundry I want to be a slave please please master please don’t do this to me please let me be your slave please I am so sorry for what I did wrong please own me please I can’t take it. Your my master I love you!

[@richard-en2dx]

💋🍸🌹