10 Signs You Might Have An Avoidant Attachment Style

[@toddedwards4125]

You summarized my 53 years in 20 min. I had no idea who I even was. Thank you

[@joshhoueye]

This is exactly what I thought when I watched this. 33 years on this earth and didn't know myself at all.. watching her explain it in this way was so surreal "how does she KNOW ME?"

[@hannabanana5636]

I love the internet for making these situations possible 😭 makes me tear up. So so happy for you rediscovering yourself! Good luck onwards ❤

[@SaraStevensonArtist]

😂 Me TOOOO, if only we had KZbin growing up…. I could have been diagnosed ADHD also. Instead of spending 53 years trying to create my own systems to fit in, and wondering why my relationships don’t work out.

[@kadman76]

I feel like most men (us) are this type. Don't feel bad about it.

[@MarioRossi-sh4uk]

In my case it's 51 years.

[@DallaS.88]

It's difficult to have an avoidant attachment style along with depression. It's having all of the personal expectation and responsibilty on a self individual basis but not having the motivation to take action and an unwillingness to seek help from others. It's a vicious cycle

[@Luna-luna909]

That couldn’t be truer (at least for me, too 🥲) Very well said.

[@emilyjohnson-hernandez3139]

I can totally empathize

[@vapeking466]

I was managing after my son's mother had left out of the blue without warning after 5 years. She probably thought I was being an ass when I had no clue. Especially with marriage she would literally beg me to marry. Dad always warned me to never marry after he was taken to the cleaners by my mom. Then I had to care for my grandma and mother as I watched them basically die in front me while I took the best care of them I could alone. Nobody would help not even family with the care. After they passed I thought great now I can attempt to get back to dating. Well I worked on myself lost weight and Im still alone except now depression is knocking on the door too! I'm so frightened! How did I get here? How do I fix it? I can't handle being alone always. Mom and dad both passed. That's probably why depression is starting now because at least I could talk with them and I lived with them when taking care of them. I do have son he is 18 lives with mom fixing to go to college. I'm also worried for him and the example I have set. He knows I'm lonely and depressed. I'm not sure where I picked this up probably at daycare as a child unless it was my own parents. I'm assuming just a beat down physically isn't enough. All I ever wanted was a family. Now I'm 51 and set except I'm all alone. I try to meet people out in public like when walking at the park but most won't look away from the phone. Some don't even acknowledge me. I'm not sure what that's all about. Perhaps that's something on them. However I cannot make a connection for some reason. Nobody takes the time to get to know me. 🙏

[@NSEasternShoreChemist]

Summary of points: 1. When I have a problem in life, I have to deal with it, especially if it's an emotional problem. I hate people who are playing the victim and can't stand being a burden on others. 2. When I'm in an intimate relationship, I feel suffocated by the demands, especially if the other person asks me how I'm feeling. 3. I feel most comfortable making major life decisions by myself. My interests, career, and hobbies are much more important to me than my relationships. 4. I am happy to meet the practical needs of my loved ones, but I'm uncomfortable when these same people need emotional support. 5. I'm okay with asking others to meet my wants (i.e. friendships, sex life, intimacy), but not my needs (practical, financial, survival). I can only rely on myself. 6. When my feelings are hurt, I retreat and process instead of reaching out to whoever hurt me. 7. I'm open to romantic relationships, but I find it hard to find someone who meets my standards for independence and self-sufficiency. When I find such a person I don't know how to get close to them. 8. I am very protective over my time and physical space. I need a predicable environment that's under my control. 9. I don't know what opening up means. I'm fine 900% of the time, and, when I'm not, I deal with it myself. 10. When I love someone, that means I don't put my needs on them or burden them in any way.

[@cturdo]

Yep exactly. I'm ok with it.

[@dp7933]

I was diagnosed as schizoid, but this also defines me.

[@edincanada]

Number 5 is worth talking about because the not relying on others for my needs has both ethical and rational roots to it. Ethically, I do not feel entitled to the help of others, I may get their help 3 times day every day of my life, and yet I don't feel entitled to it. Second one is rational, I literally cannot control the action of others. If those things are true in one's mind, rationally it becomes very difficult not to pursue a life where the needs of one depend only on one.

[@EzekielD69420]

Thanks for the point commemt, I'll now watch the vid.

[@acevfx2923]

Number 9... "You can not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them". When something affects me and instigates an emotional response, it's not like I don't feel anything, it is just that I can redirect and channel those energies into dealing with it, instead of getting worked up into an outburst. However, because of this approach, when I am later asked how I felt in that situation I can honestly tell you that I have no fucking clue. And that makes me seem like I'm devoid of emotion and have no capacity for it, or worse, that I bottle everything up and refuse to open up. It is literally impossible to explain to people how I operate on such a level and that I truly and sincerely am just perfectly fine. I'll make my own time to reflect, or grief. I am an empath, people love to talk to me because I listen and make them feel heard and I can advise them, I write novels and screenplays for fun and create fleshed out characters, I did psychology courses and classes and study the religious domain in my pass time. Yet when I applied to the military last January after having trained all year, I get told off on a psychological examination because I have "insufficient communicative ability" because my answers were to elaborate....

[@pl3918]

The best video I've every seen about Avoidant Attachment. Thank you!

[@tentimes2660]

So many shots fired at me, and every single one hit. I was aware I was a dismissive avoidant, but listening to this brought me a whole new level of understanding... and comfort. Someone understands we are not villains.

[@howabouthat8606]

I saw my whole life play out while you were speaking. I didn't start out being avoidant - no child does - it just became the safest space for me so thank you for saying we're not villains.

[@pureharmonybeats324]

This literally is me, I’ve always been this way but realized a couple years ago how damaging some of my behaviors were to my relationships so i started working on myself and promised to not repeat certain patterns in my next relationship.. i stuck to my word BUT I ended up dating another avoidant and it was pure hell for me!! Dose of my own medicine.. finally deeply understood how some of my actions made others feel.. I’m still actively working on myself and growing everyday 🤞🏽

[@t.i.794]

Good Luck!😊

[@kyledraper-js4ou]

Great! From what iv heard it's a tough nut to crack so keep up the hard work. Can I ask,how were you with affection?. Did you display alot or hardly any?. Would be greatful for your insight 😊

[@got2flynow]

It's ALL a process. Give yourself a break... it's about progress. Not perfection. One day we'll all get there. 🤙🏻 Mitch

[@Bat_Boy]

This video was an eye opener to me. I want to point out, start with empathy. For yourself, and any of your relationship partners. When watching something like this, it can be overwhelming with the thought “I must control this”. Well, the question of control…how much do you really have? Is free will is an illusion? The bottom line answer is…yes, it’s an illusion. If it is, than nothing matters? That is a fatalistic way to look at it. A better way is to say..we are all in the same boat. We are all born without a purpose, and we run around trying to discover one. Just ease up, on the steering wheel. Empathize with others, they have no idea either. We are all doing the best we can.

[@theprinceofcrows8691]

That relationship might have been just what you needed to understand yourself better. I would count that as a blessing even if it is a relief it is over.

[@Mkr7942]

This has been more helpful for me than, say , years of therapy would have been, to uncover my core. Thank you from the bottom of my ❤.

[@srobearl]

She definitely nailed me. I definitely self regulate and resist being a burden or vulnerable to others. I like to help people practically. I don't favor getting into messy emotional details. I was coded from early on that crying and complaining is shameful.

[@djjukeboxhero6491]

It is...emotions can lie, dont swallow this pseudo-intellectual drivel.

[@almondmilksoda]

@@djjukeboxhero6491 Crying isn't shameful. Ridiculous. That's a toxic ideology that prevents people from actually feeling their feelings, and healing.

[@djjukeboxhero6491]

@@almondmilksoda more bleeding heart liberal horseshit ....the only feeling you should trust is gut-feeling.

[@thatanswergirl-lucy8033]

So you need to work on that. Being like this is damaging to everyone around you

[@TheVirtualObserver]

Same, although I'm not quite as sure where I learned similar survival habits since my parents made it clear that they were always available if I needed a shoulder to cry on. I was adopted when I was one so maybe the emotional coding happened before then? Either way Heidi described a lot of my habits to a 'T' which has made me feel extremely seen. 😅

[@The_Burning_Sensation]

I'm a fifty year old man I feel like I've just listened to someone summarize my life, point by point. I've always just considered all of these things the default way of being a person. It's kind of a revelation to me that, apparently, they are not.

[@vapeking466]

I believe a lot of us men are this way and have no idea. Its pretty common. I love living with a partner and have had a few in my life the last one 5 years and we had a son. She left me never did explain and that really messed me up cause I didn't know if it was me or her or what? So I took some yrs off before looking but now it's like I've started over. No friends really. At least not that like see them every week types. Many are online only but we're child friends. I feel like if I had a good girl that would stay with me and faithful we would be set. That's what I thought I had last time when I had my child. I'm assuming this avoident type was the issue all along. I'm 51 and still alone.

[@vipermad358]

It's the better way to be.

[@cgc1581]

I have an avoidant attachment style. This is the only video I've found that accurately expresses what we think and feel. Thank you for your compassion in this video.

[@chocolatfoncee7528]

Same. Nailed it

[@ecoconnell]

Agree

[@Itssaronnn]

Exactly and the reasoning she used is accurate because this is exactly how my thought process is

[@psrv97]

Exactly my thought pattern too and never thought this could hurt me and the other person. Good awakening

[@ar-1571]

@@psrv97HELLA a lot better than being used by others

[@ItstheGodinme_]

Wow..Spot on. Re #10, I’ve always struggled with begging; not because of pride but because I see it as me sparing the person I’d be asking the inconvenience and awkwardness of having to tend to my request. I figure it’s better to do it myself.

[@Monicalia]

''When you're feeling hurt you tend to withdraw rather than reach-out to others for repair'' Yesterday I talked to my therapist about it and I realized that ever since I was a kid, if I was hurt, I'd never talk about it because I was too afraid to ''ruin the mood''. I was scared of making people uncomfortable, angry, I was afraid they'd accuse me of ''ruining the mood'' or ''killing the vibe'', because everyone was in such good moods and I ruined everything with my stupid problems. It's exhausting because it's such a strong, solid mental block that I can't get through it.

[@barb8760]

This all makes so much sense to me & sounds like me throughout. I can better understand now why my adult kids get angry with me when they've needed EMOTIONAL support from me but instead just got my "just fix-it" attitude. I have had to take care of my emotional needs (or just bury them) since I was a very young child. My kids have actually said to each othet, "well look at how Mom was raised." I am 71, have problems with my adult kids & see how this is contributing...and has contributed in past relationships. I want to learn to do better before my life is over! 😲

[@NoName-zl6or]

i bet you’re doing great keep up the hard work ❤

[@ihatecranberryjiuce]

late response but it's never too late to grow and change. rooting for you :)

[@ZiliaVing]

Signs: 1. You take radical responsibility for your life. 2. You often feel intense pressure in intimate relationships 3. You feel most comfortable making major decisions alone 4. You'd rather meet practical needs than emotional ones 5. You can outsource your "wants" but not your needs 6. When feeling hurt you tend to retreat to process rather than reach out to repair 7. You struggle to find adequately independent partners 8. You are highly protective of your time and space 9. You rarely feel emotionally vulnerable 10. You show love by not putting your needs on others

[@kyrareneeLOA]

Thank you.

[@georginaporter946]

This is so me

[@sunbeam9222]

Oups I have many of those

[@TheSlippytongue]

Avoidants are narcissistic cowards

[@museoflove8255]

So an avoindant cannot fall inlove?

[@sherileyva5908]

Literally have all 10. I have been obsessively trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how to be happy for the past 5 yrs since I got sober. I'm 49 and sadly I have zero idea of what happiness is. I had never even heard of attachment styles until I found one of your videos today. I believe this is a huge piece of my puzzle and I'm looking forward to learning more..

[@rachelbartlett1970]

There is nothing wrong with you. Your personality type sounds like mine -- INTJ. Look into MBTI. INTJs generally suck at figuring out what would make them happy -- I found myself an ESFJ friend and outsourced my happiness monitoring to her. Just the monitoring, not the responsibility. Us super independent INTJs should have friends of other MBTI types to cover our blind spots.

[@sherileyva5908]

@@rachelbartlett1970 I am INFJ and just finding out what complicated people we are internally has actually helped me alot to understand myself. Thank you for taking the time to write those words of encouragement. What you said was helpful. Thank you 🤗

[@davefengler4266]

@@rachelbartlett1970 As an INTP I stupidly married (32 years ago) an ESFJ, which you probably know is the same function stack but flipped. She is all about emotions and clueless about logic, and I am all about logic and clueless about emotions. It is not a good combination, but opposites attract. We technical should complete each other, but in reality, it creates a huge rift, since we have no idea how to relate to each other. I've been trying to figure out how to present the Childhood Emotion Neglect, and Avoidant ant Attachment Type to her to explain why I am what I am. The transcription (TurboScribe) may help me do that.

[@dgtv71]

Intj here. Do y'all feel like the definition for "normal" is also the definition for being weak?

[@beckyoconnor0302]

I can’t remember the last time a KZbin video made me laugh so much. Albeit, not “ha ha comedic laughing” but the “uncomfortable dammit” type of laughing. 😂 The accuracy of these 10 points is uncanny. How can a KZbinr know more about me than I do? lol Apparently I’m not as mysterious as my friends accuse me of being. Seriously though, incredible video, far more accurate and comprehensive than anything else I’ve ever heard. Risking sounding too emotional 😊, Heidi’s videos are life changing.

[@myitchynose]

I also found myself laughing in self realization. I feel seen!

[@graemebushell7531]

Me too. 10/10

[@HansBezemer]

Be aware of the Barnum effect..

[@mike.thomas]

@@HansBezemer Good point, and I do wonder about that at times with popularized psychology topics. But I have watched a couple of other of her attachment style breakdowns and have not instantly felt that they described my “style” at all, whereas this one did … almost disturbingly so. Doesn’t prove anything absolutely, but it at least suggests to me that the breakdowns are somewhat orthogonal (though she says occasionally that some styles borrow from others). Anyway, interesting topic.

[@nardbagel]

This woman is putting words to things I've felt forever. It's wild.

[@AnotherAverageAsian]

Wow....I feel extremely called out. I have a single mom and I was an only child. My mom worked a lot so I had no one but myself to rely on. I knew how hard and stressed my mom was, so as a child with so little power, I always try to avoid being a burden to her and to the people around me. Now that I'm an adult, it's great that I'm more self-reliant, but I have some serious emotional blind spots. I'm incredibly logical and solving problems is my bread and butter at work, but not everyone thinks so logically like I do, so when I think I'm just being straight forward and to the point, it's not coming out that way to other people. I can see people are mad at me and taking it personally, but it's not registering why. You nailed it with the relationship. I would love to be in a relationship, but yeah I have standards for self-sufficiency and independence. I want someone who can keep up with me, but even if I found someone I wouldn't have the emotional skills to get closer because I never had the practice.

[@dntthe88]

Damn this is identical to me

[@Star-dj1kw]

You can begin by feeling compassion for yourself as a lonely little boy.

[@Y94-e7x]

I feel exactly the same. Reading that is as if I wrote it myself

[@AmberCzesnolowicz]

wow this is basically me.... I didnt want to be a burden on my single mom

[@TailsFiguresItOut25]

Damn... that one sign of being reliable practically but not emotionally made me remember the time when one of my friends were crying because of schoolworks but I'm just giving her practical ways on how she could solve it. I have no idea how to comfort emotionally and thinking how to comfort them emotionally is very intense and mind numbing

[@fyn1985]

I strongly relate to making big life decisions on my own and seeing relationships as negotiable. I'm sometimes scared at how calm I am at the thought of remaining single. I worry I'll regret not having developed relationships later on in life. But allowing someone to get close is still incredibly hard.

[@theelongatedmeatballe8487]

Consider it a blessing, romance especially in this day and age is brutal.

[@estelao.b.1473]

You sound more anxious than avoidant. But I might be projecting.

[@IoanaC.]

@@estelao.b.1473 They sound avoidant to me. Other people are always blowing it out of proportion when we say we are ok with remaining single, and sometimes that extreme worry can give us momentary anxiety, because we are forced to think that something is completely wrong with us, but it passes really fast. I mean sure something is wrong when you are this avoidant, but then we get our priorities straight again and calm down.

[@Cikanyoro]

Me and you both

[@TheSlippytongue]

@@theelongatedmeatballe8487 Stupid generalized statement

[@Jessica-ld4bs]

17:48 "People talk about avoidant types like they're three anxiously attached people in a trench coat" 😄 Yes, sooooo much pressure to "open up" throughout my life. Now happily settled with someone even more avoidant than I am. (At least we never fight.) Also suddenly realizing all of my longest relationships and friendships have been with avoidant, low-maintenance types, probably because we don't wear each other out with emotional dumping.

[@jamesbow5916]

Great video! I think you really nailed what it is like for someone with an avoidant attachment style. The only thing I wish you had addressed more in this video and made abundantly clear is that avoidant attachment style is a relational and emotional wound that can be healed. You might address this in other videos, but I think it is super important for people to realize that this isn't like the myers-briggs. Avoidant or Anxious attachment styles are emotional wounds from our early caregivers that can and should be fixed. Far too many people see videos like this and think.... "This is so me..... now deal with it". Instead of thinking, "Oh gosh, no wonder I find it so difficult to trust other people..... this is something I need to work on so that I can live a more fulfilling life."

[@aldenfox9858]

This!

[@bretbauer7582]

100% of this "Far too many people see videos like this and think.... "This is so me..... now deal with it". Instead of thinking, "Oh gosh, no wonder I find it so difficult to trust other people..... this is something I need to work on so that I can live a more fulfilling life."

[@jillarchi4920]

yes! well said

[@xKarenWalkerx]

It’s almost like she herself is avoidant. Avoidant style is very typical of narcissism…it can seem robotic and unattached. Merely like that person is “good company” not a partner.

[@brandytorretta3701]

@@xKarenWalkerx no, she’s explaining avoidant attachment and sharing information. If you and others want to know more about it DO SOME FURTHER RESEARCH ON YOUR OWN rather than criticize and judge her for not giving information YOU think she should have given. People want everything spoon fed to them rather than doing the work themselves. That’s perfectionistic and part of the reason we have issues in our society. People are usually avoidant of others because PEOPLE ARE EXHAUSTING and your comment and others’ comments on here shows my point exactly.

[@sentientAl]

I don’t think there’s a more spot-on explanation/description of how I feel than the way you eloquently explain it, Heidi. Thank you so much. I have so so much healing to do but knowing that there are people that understand and even feel the same way is reassuring.

[@essennagerry]

There's also people who really care about you! I wish you all the best! ❤

[@sentientAl]

@@essennagerry thank you so much! To you as well ✨

[@andreeadobre3190]

It's so spot on it hurts. Today I reached out for repair for the first time in my life after initially running away to hide back in my fortress and it really worked out great, I'm extremely grateful for this second chance, especially so early on in dating. It was a huge wake up call to find out how my running away affected him, usually I just assume the other person is relieved I'm not bothering them anymore.

[@maylynbayani]

This is such an eye opener. When I was a child and would ask help for school work, my mother who would come home from a stressful work life managing her own business would be dismissive and would say that she hired tutors because she has no time. I learned to be self-sufficient at a young age. As an adult, nothing disgust me more than people who play the victim and those who self-sabotage. It's not even hate. I mainly am highly disappointed of people. I could also never relinquish control over my life. I have a husband and I know he loves me unconditionally (and yes, he has an anxious attachment style) but I could never rely anyone for my survival. I tried to work part time since my husband and I are trying to have kids. I ended up picking up more shifts than when I was full time. I'd like to believe that I could give up my career but in reality I might just ask help from my in-laws but would still work. Sometimes emotions make me so uncomfortable. It is concerning that I lost contact with my closest college friend and I was barely sad.

[@MicahSedillo]

This was so hard to listen to. Like I wanna cry but can't. This was tough. Damn , explains so much

[@heather_feather40]

This is me! I want to be in a relationship but I can’t trust. I can’t be vulnerable. I have to protect myself, my money, my possessions, my home and personal space at all times. I don’t want to share my things due to past relationships. I’m uncomfortable not keeping my routines and need a lot of personal time. I push partners away and run at any sign of an issue. I refuse to take on a partners stress or worry. I’ve never been able to relax in a relationship with my feminine energy because no one ever showed up for me.

[@helenh3274]

This is one of the most lucid, accurate and concise explanations of avoidant attachment that I have come across, thank you. It may be helpful to add that any given attachment style tends to present as a blend of other attachment styles and traits, as a spectrum. Our lived experiences, relationships over the years and level of self-awareness create shifts and variations in the ways we attach to others over time, so nothing is set in stone.

[@psrv97]

As an avoidant I had a lot of anxiety too. I feel calmer alone and agitated when I’m in an anxious attached relationship. Even though my intention is not to hurt her. I couldn’t help but understand I had unhealthy ways of emotional instability or regulation

[@saltwalk]

My jaw dropped when she mentioned something about withdrawing and observing how I can get myself to feel differently about the situation if my feelings get hurt, instead of seeking to coregulate with someone else to feel better. The insightfulness she has is incredible.

[@djenning90]

This is the best content I’ve seen on the DA attachment style that really “gets” the avoidaht in a loving way, described beautifully.

[@fabioarruda3184]

I avoided romantic relationships all my life and just had my first one at 29 with an anxious attachment style woman. The relationship lasted less than a month but I experienced almost everything you mention about relationship between anxious and avoidant types in this and other videos. It really surprised me that #9 "You rarely feel emotionally vulnerable" and #10 "You show love by not putting your needs on others". Both surprised me because they are so key to how I operate, I got convinced I am really an dismissed-avoidant type. I am happy that it don't have to be this way and other people having completely other world views explain so much! Really looking forward to watching all your videos on healing. Thank you Heidi for the nice work!

[@trishna_6815]

You are honestly by far the best person on this topic. So clear, concise, understanding, and giving actually realistic practical help and advice. Thank you so much!

[@TP-nx7uf]

I love this video. It took me years to figure out that the root of many of my relationship problems was being avoidant. I never thought that other people could experience love differently as to not trying to keep their problems to themselves. I always saw it as weakness and attempt to throw responsibility on someone else because that´s what I´ve been taught. I get really frustrated with people who always have to ask for help or have someone solve their problems and I ended many friendships over this because it just felt like they constantly needed assistance and it wore me down to the point I was neglecting myself. I never really thought people actually mean it when they say "I am here for you" because in the past when I tried to rely on someone they just rejected me or didn´t do anything to help. I take it as a phrase, like "how are you" without actually expecting an honest answer. I have so much to learn about this and hopefully I will manage to reframe my way of thinking, so one day I may be able to rely and trust someone. I also have BPD, so it´s like an extra layer of difficulties, but I made a great progress with that over the years.

[@joelsanchez2776]

as someone that is just learning they are avoidant, it really helped to hear this and also notice you specifically not try to villainize me. I recognize I can be better and that's why I'm here watching this video but It sucks seeing all the comments on other similar videos telling me how shitty I am for not being vulnerable. I didn't realize how many unconscious feelings I had contributing to this attachment style and this has helped me a lot. Thank you

[@lisagill3561]

I resonate with THIS comment on a spiritual level.

[@edincanada]

I hear ya, even the comments showing empathy on this very video approach it as a problem that needs fixing. As I listen to her, I just see the video as a description of how some people are.

[@aneikrust]

Exactly. I first found out about avoidant attachment during a presentation where it seemed like it was "the bad guy" of the bunch. It stung so much because I recognize myself in this type. And before that part of the presentation, I interpreted the anxious type as the "bad guy", because they burdened others. Ironic, ha. Ultimately no one is, it's just how we think and feel.

[@AugustSchroif]

Those people are just jealous.

[@joshy-noha]

That's exactly what I thought! People seem to have a lot of resentment, and as an anxious type with a best friend who's DA, I get it. But I also don't want to feel like that and be better and more loving instead of resentful. It seems a lot of anxious types are getting their validation and catharsis venting in the comments about their experiences with DAs, but it's a toxic way of living.

[@jasonandrus5707]

You just described me to a tee. The performing acts of service rather than meeting someones emotional needs is something i do all the time. Its cost me relationships, most recently one with someone i cared very deeply for but wasn't able to properly express my feelings and meet theirs deeper needs. Thank you so much for posting. I'm trying to change and be better an this is so helpful.

[@emmericdupreez]

Wow, this has shed so much light on my being. Everything resonated with me. Especially the part where you don't want to burden people with your problems. I was bullied as a child at school and never disclosed it to my parents for fear of worrying them...crazy!

[@alexas.5287]

Right... I hid so, so many things from my primary caregivers. Even if I was on the verge of fainting or vomiting as a child, I would hide it! Nowadays, if I do reach out to a partner to talk about things going on in my life, I usually keep is super surface level and add qualifiers like "I can deal with this, just needed to vent for a few minutes." I don't want to worry them, because I remember how my mom would fall apart and get hysteric if there was anything wrong with me. It definitely let a strong impression on me that I need to be strong and self-reliant. I also find active listening much better than a partner trying to find a solution for me. It's really nice when someone says "I believe in you" vs. "I'm going to help you fix it, just do this."

[@junbh2]

I was bullied a lot as a child and I don't think I deliberately hid it from my parents, but at the same time it wouldn't have really occured to me to ask them for help. To some extent I think I took for granted they must know all about it and just not be able to do anything about it since they talked to my teachers. And it seemed so obvious from watching the kids and teachers around me that adults nearly always made things worse even when their intentions were good. And also I think I thought it was normal for kids to be miserable like that. The teachers seemed to treat it as normal, and my parents never seemed to do anything about it either. When I was talking with my parents I tended to focus on the good stuff like academics or my small group of friends. I didn't really see the point of complaining about the abuse.

[@alexandradedok4354]

Same. I'm not even sure anymore why I haven't told anything to my parents - because I was sure that I did or at least I was 100% confident that they knew about that. But after discussing the topic with my therapist and simply asking my mother about it - she wasn't even aware. And what she took for bullying at the beginning was an only small incident she knew of which of course didn't give credit to the whole situation I was in..

[@CrowMagnum]

Explore the idea that avoidant attached are more about a lack of safety than unawareness

[@Gearhart_Music]

the "lone wolf" mentality. Yes, I know it well. Some great stuff in this video.

[@adeshwodan4679]

I am a 78 yo PsyD LPC psychotherapist still practicing. I have never seen a better and more insightful elucidation Mega Kudos ! ❤😂🎉😂❤

[@gerardobarrera4956]

Jesus this video shed so much light upon me. I used to blame everything on my introvertedness but many things didn't fit it. Now I have a better idea of it and I just need to share this video to my Anxious Attached partner XD

[@dylanturek8364]

This isn't the first time I've had someone explain to me what my avoidant dismissive attachment style means (my therapist saw that day one), but it's the first time I have witnessed another person dissect thought processes, feelings and philosophy I embody so accurately, I don't know how to react. For me, that's not ok 😅 So being in a super long relationship (but not married because... Well you go into that in the video) with an anxious type, you pretty much predict exactly how we interact and what we trip over. This is remarkable and I think I'm glad I stumbled on it! Thanks for the excellent and actually helpful content!

[@caliblue2]

I get what you’re saying and I definitely have an avoidant attachment style because I was adopted by a family whose mother didn’t want to adopt me and was forced to by the father. She always felt it was her duty to raise me to be self-sufficient- that was her main mantra. Feelings and needs were dismissed as frivolous and something to be disapproved of. But when it comes to negotiating as an adult about my feelings it’s been basically impossible because my friends and family see me as strong independent and say I’m the strongest woman they know but then give me a zero concern or empathy. I have major medical issues and if I tell them anything about it Not only is no comforting or help offered it’s ignored. Like me expressing a need is shameful. So I don’t.

[@louera]

I’m so sorry you’ve been through that💔 I hope you find the people who see you and acknowledge your needs, and who feel safe enough for you to open up more😢

[@SREEZUS]

Sending you love & light ❤️

[@burmy1552]

Same story here. Luckily I'm physically healthy though. Best wishes for you.

[@dee4379]

Wasn’t adopted but I defin. Have this with chronic illness bunch of comparing and competing. It’s narcissistic and nuts. Passed down Trauma. I wrote to regulate my entire life. I have waaaaaay too many books nothing published. I think I am insecure mixed with avoidant. My friend sent me this asking if it’s him I’ve not hung with enough to know. 😅 but mixed like me I’d say. And he suffered a great loss. And lacked nurture growing up. My parents aren’t nurture. Personally I believe it’s all a trauma response of course. That’s psychology. Just as is all mental illness that is my expertise.

[@robertreed7767]

I identify with the avoidant side and one of the things that has tipped me off to that, funny enough, is that this is the first channel I have ever recommended to my close ones that was in anyway serious or educational. I don’t send a lot of texts or memes or videos, and the occasional short was always some humorous and off the cuff - something that I never even expected to, be replied to, and certainly not anything that I would want them to actually sit down, listen to, consider, and maybe integrate. It’s a very big deal for me, but these videos are helping spark some real hope for repair and I want that for the people I love. And again, it feels like a very practical, easy way to show up. Thanks again!

[@brennanleyen]

You’ve really helped me understand my past problems with my avoidant partners. I’m anxiously attached healing toward securely attached. I am pleased to know that that the avoidant shows love for others by being self contained non needy person! So weird for me to imagine that method but I can recognize it now. Thanks for your videos. Super helpful.

[@LadyOBug]

Thank you! You've opened my eyes and made me understand myself and my relationships much better!

[@ryancowell9382]

Oh my glob. I know I've watched your other vids that visit the Avoidant attachment style but I feel like I understand it so much better now! I'm still hella Anxiously attached but this honestly offers some really good perspective to these wonderful D.A. Peeps. Thank you!!!

[@ebbyc1817]

Wow. Heidi. This is spot on. I love the way this doesn't read like "list of ways in which a romantic partner can be a d*** ", but actually feels like the qualities of a person with an avoidant attachment style. They are neither good nor bad, just an approach to life that is a reflection of how the person grew up.

[@NoticeMeSenpaiii]

The more I watch your videos, the more sure I am that I have an avoidant attachment style. I've recently started paying closer attention to the thought processes behind my behaviors. I realized I never bring my emotional concerns to other people until I've processed them myself because I'm afraid I'll have to comfort the other person (which I really don't know how to do) at the same time that I'm trying to sort out my own emotions. It doesn't happen every time, but it's so much work when it does happen that it isn't worth the risk to me. That's probably something I should work on. I also feel like it's my responsibility to always appear happy and never burden others with my negative emotions. My partner is anxiously attached, which feels absolutely suffocating at times but is really convenient at other times. I never have to compromise on life decisions because I'm independent and strong-willed and he is willing to go along with anything if it means we can stay together. I'm sure this isn't ideal and is probably just enabling my unhealthy attachment patterns, but it sure is nice to be able to follow all my dreams and whims.

[@uniquedavenport3491]

That’s very selfish on your end to your partner your needs are met while you leave your man in the dust that’s a typical avoidant thought process not cool for the other person

[@NoticeMeSenpaiii]

@@uniquedavenport3491 I mean yeah, obviously. That’s kind of the point. If I was securely attached and all of my relationships were healthy, I wouldn’t be spending my time learning about attachment theory and how to be better for my loved ones.

[@graemebushell7531]

​@Unique Davenport yeah, but 10/10 for honesty

[@lansvance4870]

Maybe because the emotions of others are a burden to you, you assume is the same for others. I am anxious and whenever people get emotional I actually prefer it because it helps me to understand them better.

[@rebeccac.4305]

​@@uniquedavenport3491these are the types of comments that cause avoidants to not express their emotions.

[@LadyRia91]

This is intensely spot on. Its so nice to have someone not only describe the characteristics but touch on where they might come from. You also helped me peak into how other people may experience things. Which can be difficult because I have no baseline for those things myself. Great Job!!!

[@ThomasJDavis]

Some of these signs reminded me of how I view my role and work in the workplace. One principle I sort of formulated several years ago was that I should always be looking to minimize the amount of stress other people have, be it a coworker, supervisor or customer. And the way in which I go about it is by being as autonomous as possible and learning how to do things so as to not burden or inconvenience my coworkers or supervisor with daily questions on how to do something or reminders on how to do something. And this autonomy also allows me to give the customer the best information available. I want to be one less problem my manager has to deal with every day and hopefully he appreciates that. But also along with that, I need to know what he wants me to do and just do it. And I figure that if I always do these things, I will never be fired. It's about giving the higher-ups as few reasons as possible to fire me.

[@alexas.5287]

Yes, I tend to work best alone or in as small of a team as possible... but preferably alone. That way, I have no one to blame or get annoyed with but myself, if things go wrong. I have more control over my work environment. And aside from that, it's also less stressful to deal with the internal block I have about asking questions. I'm way better than I used to be years ago, but there's a nagging little voice that says "You're incompetent" or "That was dumb" if I have to get clarification on something. I hate seeming like I don't know what I'm doing.

[@smokeyoak]

​@@alexas.5287Sounds familiar. How do you feel about trying or learning new things in front of people? Sometimes it feels like I have to perfect everything in private before I dare try in public

[@gaston_urtubae]

this was extremely validating, i can't thank you enough. the stigma and misconception around avoidants are overwhelming; your perspective is so refreshing and understanding, thank you for sharing

[@dylanross5510]

This has been the most helpful information I have come across in such a long time. Each of the points you provided describe my attachment style so accurately. It's like you knew me without knowing me. Great info! Thanks a million!

[@Jason-tc7po]

I just discovered you and your video on Avoidant Attachment style. Thank you so much! Your ability to communicate clearly and concisely the details of attachment styles is stunning, as virtually every sentence in this video provided helpful insights. I have strong nurturing tendencies and connect easily with others , but otherwise it looks like I am a card-caring member of the Avoidant Attachment group! Ha! And maybe YIKES!!

[@k.c.sunshine1934]

*10* *Signs* *of* *Possible* *Avoidant* *Attachment* *Style:* 2:33 You take radical responsibility for your life 4:32 Intimate relationships feel like intense pressure 6:59 You feel most comfortable making life changes by yourself 8:45 You'd rather meet practical needs rather than emotional needs of others 10:08 You can outsource your wants but not your needs 11:40 When you're feeling hurt you tend to withdraw rather than reach-out to others for repair 13:47 You're open to relationships but you struggle to find adequate independent partners (your bar for self-regulation is high) 16:00 You are highly protective over your time and space 17:37 You rarely feel emotionally vulnerable 18:38 You show love by not putting your needs on others

[@kudorgyozo]

Thanks

[@stevethea5250]

Big thanks

[@tinaforbes1059]

😁👍.

[@kirstinstrand6292]

I've learned a lot over these last years, yet when we realize that our mothers are incompetent at being emotionally available, we learn to take care of ourselves. This pattern will stick forever, regardless of learning many things that can be changed.

[@elck3]

Thanks so much.

[@torismith6685]

This is the first time I've heard about avoid and attachment styles. That is me 100%. I've always felt very alone / isolated / different from other people for many of the reasons listed in this video. I love that you posted this and I'll definitely be digging through your videos for more!

[@Froggywitchmama]

Wow. The description of thinking i was secure because im so blind to my emotional awareness is 100% spot on. I took an attachment style survey as part of an application for therapy for my university and despite knowing what my answers were i was shocked to find out I was dismissive avoidant. Like, it makes sense knowing what my parents and circumstances was like, but my perspective on my relationships changed after that. My emotional awareness of myself and need to avoid asking for help or knowing when i need it is shocking. I always emotionally blow up before I realise Im stressed.

[@syedah6704]

Holy! You just summarized my life in 21 min and 19 seconds. I can't thank you enough for explaining who I really am, I am repeatedly attacked by people with an anxious attachment style. 😅 I started questioning myself style and you have given me an answer!

[@jenniferadams5695]

My partner had an avoidant attachment style. I've tried to learn all I can to understand why his approach to our relationship is so different from my own and while there's alot of great info out there, this video has helped me understand so much more than any other! Thank you so much for what you do for all of us!!

[@Klauwkop]

What resonated with me most was recognizing how this developed. I grew up in a big, chaotic household with absent parents, crime, drugs etc. involved. We all were forced to become self-reliant very early on. I’ve been in a chaotic relationship with someone I love dearly, but who is anxiously attached and it has been incredibly difficult, especially on her. I don’t know if it would’ve helped seeing videos like this one sooner, but I’m very grateful for your insights!

[@psrv97]

Hang in there bud. I went through a similar experience and it was chaos in the end. But trust me if your intentions were good and hurt the other person the only thing you can do is reciprocate your need the next time and never repeat the same pattern. It’s sometimes not intentional to hurt someone just that our wounds trigger an ugly response from us unconsciously.

[@babyseals4872]

Oh my….my mind is blown right now. I’ve never heard of these “attachment styles” before and hand to the sky I hit all ten of these signs. In fact I think my wife might fit the “anxious” style (still need to watch that video) which would fundamentally explain so much of our misunderstandings between us. I’ve started to think we may need counseling and then I came across this video. Thanks for making this video and I look forward to watching the others on this topic

[@Tmate4444]

I immediately thought of me and my first gf when she mentioned the anxious attachment type. I am epitome of avoidant, she was epitome of anxious. Needless to say it didn't end well.

[@matthewharris-levesque5809]

Illuminating. A whole world of psychology I never looked into. Thank you for this. And the presentation style is just so absolutely perfect and nonjudgmental, making it easier to hear. The perfect amount (and depth) of information to absorb in a siting.

[@alexas.5287]

These are all amazing points. First, I'm trying to grow more and push past my avoidant tendencies. But I'm not perfect. Even when I push myself to reach out and communicate to someone that I'm hurt, I do what a lot of avoidant types do: revert to closing off certain parts of myself, irritation, and fault-finding. Diving deeper and admitting my sorrow, loneliness, and fear (if applicable) can be too intense. Secondly, wow... the part about needing a partner to meet very specific standards for independence is VERY, very true. I suspect one of the best almost-relationships I ever had was with another avoidant. We both gave each other the space we needed and connected so well. I truly felt like I could be myself and take off the mask of the projected self that we avoidants suffer from so deeply in most relationships, especially with anxious people. We even went deeper in conversation and shared more life experiences without either of us withdrawing. But they were more avoidant than me and refused to adjust certain parts of their life that were objectively very unhealthy and I foresaw this ending our relationship, so we had to call it off. I am fighting tooth and nail to become more secure and unfortunately, they are not.

[@drekathigpen4869]

Same! My most eye opening relationship was with another on the avoidant scale but like she stated in the video, it was hard to get someone to do the “pursuing” lol

[@gillianbennett4518]

You just talked all about me! So good to know coz yes, I do get frustrated n annoyed with those who seem so powerless, helpless. I can show up to support people physically but not emotionally.

[@blest4152]

Nailed it for me. I totally would love relationship and crave intimacy. I love the idea of love and romance and it's easy to get swept up in the newlywed phase but when my routine and independence gets effected, or I get asked a lot of emotional questions like "how do you feel about us? What are you looking for?" I shut down and eventually end things. Typically i find myself always being the "asshole" who ends it out of now where. Then feel terrible about it.

[@TheSlippytongue]

You should

[@xVibra]

For me the important thing is to be firmly present in the now. No one can plan out their entire life on a whim, and making promises that can't realistically be fulfilled is just going to create issues, that either you or someone else will resent. Promise today, and make sure the other person knows that you care for them right now, and if you do make promises, be transparent that anything could happen to derail that potential but you'll try to stay on track.

[@AugustSchroif]

"how do you feel about us?" is an extremely fucking stupid question.

[@robertdeskoski9783]

@@xVibra: I think most people understand that romantic promises and notions are just that. But it can signal to the partner your intentions and who you'd like to be as the best version of yourself. Saying "Not sure I can do that but here's what I can do" and listing out a depressingly small amount of effort you'd put into a relationship is really just setting the relationship up for failure. We're all going to disappoint each other, but intentions and as much followthrough as we can manage (which we communicate to our partners) actually goes a long way to helping two people connect.

[@darlingyoyo5200]

Don’t be an asshole then. You have the ability to decide if you want to be loving or an ass.

[@angelconsealed1230]

Thank you! Ive read so many comments on different videos where people say avoidants are bad, why do they get in relationships, its their fault and more. It sucks to be so villianized when you know you're not a bad person and would never try to purposely hurt someone.

[@ianhadlington3975]

I absolutely resonate with most of this. Having been at a Catholic boarding school from age 6 to 17, I discovered how damaging my upbringing was around 8 years later, together with the anger that I had been harbouring for both of my parents ... who very mistakenly, did what they did, because they thought that it was the best for me and, for my father in particular, that 'they' would do a better job than he was capable of. I have absolutely learned to be very resilient and self reliant, but, curiously I have a strongly empathic nature that was not quite trained out of me. And so, I am very sensitive to others' feelings, and have now learned to be accepting and not dismissive of them. My other challenge is that I believe, right or wrong, that I am really quite (or possibly very) high performing. Either that, or I have a superiority complex. I enjoy the company of the neuro diverse, and tend to steer clear of those who 'go with the flow' (or are 'heavily conditioned' in my language). It would be really lovely to find someone that I resonate with, but seems to be so difficult in these modern times (in the UK). Still, whilst there is time and hope, the possibility exists!! Thank you for this video! 🙂

[@jackoshea7668]

Excellently written. Same story here .. i’m so delighted. I finally know what the hell is wrong with me. Lone Wolf .😅

[@avizzy1237]

Thanks so much for these videos Heidi. I'm 31 years old and in a 8 year long hetero relationship. I was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago. I thought all my relationship issues were because of that diagnosis and have been so disheartened that my ADD symptoms were improving with meds and therapy but my relationship had the exact same issues. Every single one of these 10 points hit me hard. It's incredibly reassuring and empowering to know that my ADD self work is not the overall issue, it's almost exclusively my Dismissive Avoidant attachment style. I now have a whole other door to open and explore to make sure I can be a secure Husband and have a fulfilling marriage, thanks to you.

[@TolaniBarnosmusic]

Sign 5: This is me to a Tee. This is why I rarely keep in contact with people. I love them with all my heart, but I seriously can’t care enough about their emotional needs. I’d do anything for them if they asked, anything expect to keep in touch. God I tried explaining this to a friend about 4 years ago and I struggled to find the words. But I said something very similar

[@johnmarks9994]

That doesn’t actually make sense.

[@rodandousa3963]

And your problem is?????

[@lisamedla]

​@@rodandousa3963if you have nothing useful to say please read, be confused and scroll on. It's op's world and sentiments, be kind to their opinion.

[@lisamedla]

​@@johnmarks9994you too

[@all4one271]

Your the best ! I have watched lots of videos on attachment style . And you explain everything so well . Like I already feel a lot more healed and so much more aware just listening to you . I love how you not only give relationship examples but also real world examples of how attachment styles operate, which helps to become so much more aware of the whole self and not just the self in relation to others . Thank you so much! Keep sharing . Your 💕

[@NadaAlawadhi]

Thank you for addressing the villainization of us avoidants. It’s always us who are cold, inattentive and hurt everyone.

[@ProfessorBorax]

Anxious attatchment get shade to I think. The needy "karen" won't take accountability bla bla bla :p

[@tinaforbes1059]

​@@ProfessorBorax 😂😂

[@onedayatatime007]

It is always you guys who are cold, inattentive and hurt everyone. Good call.

[@TarotOverOracle]

​@@onedayatatime007 Not always true, no. And what a below the belt comment to make, you should think twice before you start shaming that many people that you never even met. Do you know the personal struggles of everyone? I don't think you do.

[@onedayatatime007]

@@TarotOverOracle I’m not saying it’s without reason, but being avoidant inherently makes what I said true.

[@TCDowden]

I just happened onto this video and it left me breathless and in vertigo! It describes me in ways I never could on my own. It also explains why I "clam up" in emotional situations, get anxious in disorganized areas, offer practical solutions to emotional issues, and retreat to my cave under pressure. I had no idea that there was even a name for how I feel and act, but now I can focus in on that and work on myself, realizing how it creates conflicts in my marriage. Thank you for this video, this get me started on the logistics of repairing relationships.

[@minddazed]

I really love learning from you Heidi! I can't say enough how much your videos and writings have helped my emotional evolution over the last 5 years. Thank you.

[@ggdaddy6676]

Wow, great job on this -- especially the way you get inside the head of the avoidant and help people see why others may unfairly see them as callous or cold. Thank you!

[@b.l70]

I discovered that I have this attachment style recently with a therapist. I tried being a honemaker twice in my life. Both times sent me into severe anxiety and depression. Also took me 12 yrs to finally get married to my 14 yrs partner. This video is spot on.

[@333angeleyes]

Thank you for these videos; seriously! I've watched several videos on KZbin about dating avoidant people and yours are without a doubt the best! Because you tell of the difficulties that come with dating them while simultaneously still showing that they are humans and good people. Also your videos by far are the most non-shallow on the subject. I don't think I will be capable of dating her, but that doesn't make her bad or me good. It's like you said in another video an avoidant needs a partner who can genuinely understand why they act as they do. Again thank you for these videos.

[@videoquez]

Thank you. I look forward to exploring the rest of this series. Each of the qualities of avoidant personality were basically 10s for me, and I suspect my spouse has the anxious attachment style. It’s really nice just to be able to put words to it. I’ve been going through the longest stretch of anxiety (6+ months) as I haven’t been able to setup and maintain my typical coping mechanisms and just having the language to describe it is super valuable. Thank you.

[@katyaslivinskaya6099]

Heidi, you make the best attachment videos I have seen online. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[@Random59427]

I’m an INTP. And my therapist just told me I have avoidant attachment. Since then I’ve done a lot of research about it online. I spend all of my free time alone. I have never had close friends. I’m in a relationship but it has been very rocky since the beginning. I feel like I’m finally figuring out why I am the way I am. It is a very hard pill to swallow.

[@Triple_J.1]

I'm categorized as an INTP also. I think the 16personalities site has written the best spin on the type. Comparing us to Einstein, Bill Gates, Neo from the Matrix, and Bruce Banner. Also note, the scientific peer reviewed world of psychology does not accept myers-briggs as anything but pseudoscience. So don't label yourself to strongly. Its not a flaw, we all evolved over eons and each trait has strengths and weaknesses to play to your best angle.

[@nicoledoubleyou]

You can change. Your attachment style is not a personality it is a wound that can be healed. So please don't think you are going to be like this forever and try to heal that deep wound from childhood

[@HansBezemer]

@@nicoledoubleyou That's nonsense. As a matter of fact, it's a strength. You got the life nicely organized, you contemplate the consequences before taking action, you know where to put the borders - so either you're not disappointed at all or the damage is limited - and most importantly, you're free. It has been proven that you make the best decisions when you consider them rationally, separating what you want from what you actually need. You're invulnerable for "group thinking", so when the venue is on fire you're out first - instead of thinking "nobody is moving, so why should I?" You don't fall for any stupid ideology. You come up with different and original solutions, since you don't care how everybody feels. Most stress issues can be handled effectively by physical exercise - there's plenty of research on that. And yes, it works (at least for me). So, I'm pretty happy with myself and see no need to change. It's a style that worked pretty well for me for most of my life.

[@JessieBanana]

This is the best explanation of positive view of self and negative view of others I have heard. Most of the time when I see this it’s hard to understand cause I am very self critical and think well of many people. The idea that positive is more like reliable or will meet my needs is a better definition. I may not always like me, but I trust me. If that makes sense.

[@AZWillis]

Great video, I had no idea this was a thing, but you nailed my personality. I’m in my late 50s now, single and finding that I’m really OK with it, all of these traits you mentioned are ones I almost pride myself on, and really am not interested in changing. I imagine that’s why I’m single/divorced, but that’s ok. This does give me a lot of insight on decision making and why I’m struggling so hard with something right now, Thank you for making this

[@ChristianLeFer]

Attachment theory (and the excellent way it is illustrated) is the most powerful, eye opening concept I’ve learned in the past decade. Thank you.

[@GodammitNappa]

For the last six months I have thought I was a narcissist. After a lot of self insight and learning about avoid attachment I now realize I have some narcissistic tendencies that I greatly need to work on (poor learned behaviors from an ex and parents) but that a lot of my troubles are just my avoidant personality. Which means I have even more work to do but every step towards self compassion (learning I am not a bad person, just have a lot of poor habits) is a weight off my chest. Any advice for anyone like myself specifically that anyone can offer I would be grateful to hear.

[@Star-dj1kw]

Avoidant attachment is a difficult barrier to overcome. You need to find a therapist trained in attachment theory and you must be willing to be vulnerable. Good luck!!

[@GodammitNappa]

@@Star-dj1kw I think that's the best option. I agree and thanks

[@ck58npj72]

Are you logical, stoic, and dis-social...join the club!

[@DEFACTO9]

Wow, finally... yes, this is me spot on. I had Narc parents. My emotional independence and stress in relationships now uderstood properly despite listening to many attemp to describe this. and me feeling onlypartially resolved. This is the best description. u nailed i for me. Thank you.

[@whocanitbenow13]

I’ve been recently diagnosed with this and to say I finally found something that explains me in psychology sense beings so much closure to myself and my loved ones.

[@Freefolkcreate]

I'm anxious avoidant, and I really resonate with what you said here. I have my own room, and my own routine. It really helps me to have time to process things and self regulate. I'm fine with vulnerability, but not if I don't have a great deal of trust within relationships. I think trust is key for attachment, but it's very hard to find.

[@haroldfarquad6886]

The bit about need to control space is really accurate. I was always super upset when people would move the slightest thing in my bedroom as a child, and even got mad when the living room would get rearranged. Like.. why would you put all this in a different order when it was fine and predictable the way it was? I've also seen this come up in work - my work office uses an open seating plan with no reserved desks. So every day is a crapshoot on where you're going to sit, if the cables and monitors are going to be set up with your computer, is the chair with 14 different adjustment parameters going to need complete reconfiguration, and where everyone else would be sitting. It's infuriating to deal with that unpredictability every single time when all I want to do is come in, sit down, and start my work. I'm there to get my work done, not solve an ergonomics puzzle the first 10 minutes of every day.

[@scarletsletter4466]

Are we twins separated at birth? 😂 I left my last job bc the desk part of our job transitioned to open work plan. & I’m in a professional field that usually needs an office so this was just wild. Also as a kid I would put my toys, plush animals in a certain order & if they get rearranged it would be upsetting for me. So I feel u ❤

[@Apricottage5516]

Im a teen watching this vid and watched the fear of intimacy vid you made, and I feel so called out but it makes so much more sense about how i function. I have a mum with BPD, and due to that, alot of the time when someone victimises themselves, even just a little, I feel so skeptical and disgusted and I just tell others on what they want to hear, etc. This really helps as you thoroughly explain every sign or at least most signs associated with avoidant. I dont know how else to say anything else but thank you for clearing some things up for me!

[@deevacouture]

I just want to say that I've only watched 3 videos on this fearful avoidance. You've made me understand clearly why things are how they are for me. Thank you for what you do and even more thank you for how you do it. Please stay thorough and explanatory. It helps my adhd a ton. Many blessings to you for blessing us!❤

[@lihtan]

You really hit the nail on the head about wanting a controlled, predictable home environment. In my own case, I've had people try and control me by threatening my access to a home, so this issue is really triggering for me. I'm actually dealing with a crisis right now. I just got an eviction notice a few days, and the whole situation has me terrified. I don't have any family I can turn to for support.

[@ebbyc1817]

I know exactly how this feels. First thing I would ask is, do you really have no one you can ask for help, or are you too ashamed to ask them. If you really have no one, next step is the government, take the first step, no matter how small, towards making your situation known to whatever authorities are in charge of taking care of people in your situation. You can also do both. Don't feel you deserve it because you made a mistake, effed up, or whatever. No one deserves this. Also bear in mind, that the very thing you fear, is what is turning into reality. Your fear, isn't solving the problem, it is making it real. You need to take active steps to solve it. One foot in front of the other. ❤

[@ShalomARTHUR-eo4jb]

I've never known I was an avoident dismissive type until today, thanks for the help, you really elaborated more on a the deeper level than I would have expected so thanks alot.

[@iainyoung8057]

I didn't known whether i was avoidant or anxious in my attachment style, but after watching this video its clear that i am avoidant. Self regulating, being protective of my own space and time, doing things for other people to show i love them, and not putting my problems on others as a means of showing affection, love, or respect. Im emotionally intelligent re the external but my own internal emotional situation is a little like the weather it just happens and i have to manage it. I cant see two feet infront of me in that space.

[@whatever1068]

Such a spot-on analysis and explanation! Great video. Welp I find myself making notes and trying to figure out how I'm gonna solve all my problems here...

[@essennagerry]

I'm actually so relieved to see that I'm not this attachment style - no offense meant here whatsoever, I really empathize with all these struggles, I'm just happy there isn't _another_ set of issues I'm unaware of but dealing with lol! I'm so glad I first discovered and dealt with having ADHD, then dealt with the possibility of CPTSD (I don't think I _have it_ have it but parts resonated HARD and still do and diving into CPTSD really helped me on my mental health journey!) and then even the MBTI types (ik they're not "science", but a lense of conceptulization that was useful to me personally) and got somewhat stable with all these and am only NOW looking into relational stuff and attachment styles. My oh my I can imagine the chaos, stress, DRAMA and overwhelm that would've been in my mind now if I was watching these attachment styles videos a year and a half or two years ago! But instead now I am so calm, so confident in my already established thoughts and my judgement of this new info yet also open to change my mind and exploring the different options that could he true, WITHOIT STRESS lol, it's wonderful! And am also curious, my mood is as stable as it was before the video, and I'm pleasantly stimulated by all the new things I learned and am ready to intake more. Anxious attachment style here I come! Oh, and despite how I don't think I have the avoidant attachment style I still do relate to a few of these things to a certain extend. So I do feel like I've learned a little bit about myself regardless. Infact it's really giving me insight into how my ADHD may have affected this aspect of my life and I've been thinking about this on and off for a long time now, even before I knew about ADHD, but really struggled to make sense of it, and now I feel like the few things I somewhat relate to when it comes to the avoidant attachment style really make sense in view of me having ADHD from birth on and all the things I genuinely just didn't pay attention to and didn't occur to me. Like for example my parents and my older siblings did show interest in my life and whatever problems I might be dealing with and whenever they asked and I told them stuff they did help me with lots of love. But it never occurred to me that I could take initiative to go tell them. Like genuinely it just never crossed my mind. Well, unless it felt like a tideous thing, so I'd go to them for like easy to deal with stuff cause they weren't stimulating. But intellectually stimulating issues in life I just dealt with on my own, at least as a default, just simply because the way my attention works is whatever grabs it grabs it and that's that. (At least more so compared to neurotypical, it's not like I have zero agency.) It's so fascinating. Oh the multitude of aggressive doubts I would've had if I had these thoughts a bit earlier in life. I'll still question all these things I'm writing here but it's so darn pleasant to do it with peace inside instead of stress.

[@Lehmann108]

Excellent video. I'm a clinical psychologist with an avoidant attachment style. I like to frame this on an "independent-dependent" continuum rather than on discreet attachment styles.

[@NadaAlawadhi]

At 11:44 that was very accurate! One of my friendships was destroyed because of this. They hurt me badly. So I shut down and I started to think that it was my fault and I retreated back to figure it out and I started developing resentment so I figured it must be me who is toxic and bad. It went really bad. They thought I was pulling away from them forever and started blaming me. I was in the end, villainized for it. And I eventually gave up, took the blame and walked away.

[@kylewarner7817]

This has completely blown my mind. I literally check off every single sign. Thank you so much for teaching.

[@plovergrrl]

I'm definitely dismissive avoidant but perhaps more mild than some of the so-called "worse cases". For instance, I very rarely appeared emotionally distant in relationships and was often maybe not great, but OK taking care of the emotional needs of my partners, but I very much wouldn't recognize or share my own needs, especially emotionally. I have a very good relationship with my wife, who is also somewhat avoidant as well, but when we hit a rough patch we both had to really work on reaching out. Because when everything is good it's great, but when it's rough we naturally both want to withdraw which exacerbates the issue. Anyway, individual and couples therapy has helped immensely. Side note, I still struggle the working through things with people who are not my wife. I'm much more comfortable with other avoidants as friends (all my close friends are either secure or avoidants) and to this day I hold all anxious attachment folks at an arms length because they do in fact drive me nuts. Still working on that. Anxious-avoidants are complex but I can have a friendship or familial relationship with them (like my mom which is it's own difficult puzzle). Lastly, how dismissive avoidant individuals are treated seems very gendered. Like obviously they seem like the distant, cold "bad guys" in romantic relationships no matter the gender, but men receive more forgiveness for it because we expect men as a whole to be more distant. But it definitely shows up in friendships more, because people of both genders expect women to be more emotionally open and it seems more confronting when a women who's avoidant seemingly "doesn't care" about somebody's emotions.

[@robertdeskoski9783]

"By dint of probability, on average more women *are* emotionally open".

[@JohnSmith-o5d5e]

Thank you, your explanation is idiosyncratic which makes me think you have thought much about this topic and makes it easier to trust what you are saying. My mother recently informed me that I might have an avoidant attachment style. I was very skeptical of the theory as whole, but your explanation has changed my mind on the matter. Thank you for the thoughtfulness and care you put in into constructing this clarification of what it might mean to have an avoidant attachment style.

[@RedSntDK]

Aka "wounded animal" style. Retreating to lick wounds alone as to not draw attention to the flock. The part about "just going along with things because they don't know what they feel themselves" resonate a lot. That's also part of why I isolate a lot, so I don't end in situations out of my comfort zone that I'll only end up exploding on when I eventually melt down.