The Surprising Traits Avoidant Partners Find Attractive

//The Surprising Traits Avoidant Partners Find Attractive//Dive deep into the world of avoidant attachment styles with our latest video! We begin with an introduction to the concept, followed by a detailed exploration of the signs of avoidant attachment. Discover what avoidant partners are attracted to and unravel the complexities of attraction in such relationships. The video delves into the shadow aspects of avoidant attraction, highlighting the often-overlooked anxious-avoidant trap. Learn why emotional intensity can be a transformative gift to your partner and gain valuable insights into achieving emotional honesty in communication.
The highlight of the video is our Courageous Communicator Program, offering practical tips and strategies to navigate these intricate dynamics.
👇Click the link to watch the free training!👇
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Perfect for those interested in understanding avoidant attachment styles, attracting dismissive or fearful avoidants, or re-attracting an avoidant ex, this video is an invaluable resource for anyone seeking to deepen their understanding of relationship dynamics.
Join us for an enlightening journey into the heart of avoidant relationships.
#whatattractsavoidantpartners #attachmentstyles #avoidantattachment #attractiontips #brianamacwilliam
Chapters
00:00 Introduction
02:20 What are signs of avoidant attachment?
03:51 What are avoidant partners attracted to?
08:04 The Shadow aspects of avoidant attraction
08:12 The anxious-avoidant trap
10:56 Why emotional intensity is a gift to your partner
14:35 Tips for emotional honesty in communication
16:30 The Courageous Communicator Program
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• The Surprising Traits ...

[@andreatolleson4950]

Great video. I’m avoidant and married an anxiously attached spouse. We have helped each other grow so much and are about to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Keep working on it with the ones you love folks!

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for sharing your experience! It’s inspiring.

[@MissBerlinerin]

this comment gives me hope for my relationship.

[@ashleytalleyq611]

Same😢 same

[@jazeenharal6013]

I feel like falling in love with an avoidant will make you an anxious no matter what...

[@WhopyStompy]

It does

[@graleh]

Oh yes. I was secure. Met my ex, an avoidant. Now I am anxious galore. Yey.

[@jac1161]

trauma bond 101 - been there ..my whole life, including friends. Roots are childhood.

[@WhopyStompy]

@@jac1161 wife of 11 years refuses to talk to me about important issues because she thinks I get too emotional because when I address things she doesn't open up or push back. Every time I even attempt to calmly address an issue, she cries and makes me feel like the bad guy. Dude, no joke, RUN from avoidants. They are covert narcissists.

[@theartofcute217]

THEY NEED TO HEAL. They need to want it for themselves and seek out healing. If you love someone who is avoidant that's great, they are not bad people at their core but they are not worth being with unless THEY want to do everything it takes to heal and change. It's not your job to help them, lead them, hear them, free therapist them, It's your job to help yourself! They dont want to change to save the relationship that they have with you, they dont even care about their disfunction they have with themselves. If they don't want to change, just say no to them. Dont get caught up in their "comfortable" game of cat and mouse. Also aim at being securely attached in yourself first.

[@patriciaobrien6600]

Amen to this comment! ❤

[@lindac6830]

Thank you! Thank you a million times for this comment. Spot on! I will never be with an avoidant again. It is a special place in hell and they are completely oblivious to their partners pain and worth.

[@kwbaby4297]

This is a very beautiful comment, no bashing, but straight truth. They need to heal. It might take awhile, but if they really want it, they will do the work. Great comment:

[@kingaberlakovich5585]

I communicated my needs but there was always a wishywashy answer. Avoidant partners make the other person insecure. That’s it. I was confident, and secure, he loved bombed me and when I was in love and showed my feelings he began to play hot and cold. And than he broke up because I told him what I needed. One argument and it’s over. Never again. So hurtful. This controlling and playing games.

[@sherriflemming3218]

Sums it up exactly!

[@el0blaino]

I think deep down they assume everyone has an ulterior motive and plays games so they don’t want to let their guard down. If you are accommodating (as one might be in a relationship) they could see that as evidence that you are the manipulative one. It can be so exhausting!

[@marvinpercival4717]

Because if u dont give in to the woman in N argument u lose and if u gives in u lose so its best to give up from the go.

[@kingaberlakovich5585]

@@el0blaino I was always honest and clear. I never said anything I didn’t mean. Now I think he said something he thought I would like to hear, but always just empty promises.

[@el0blaino]

@@kingaberlakovich5585 In my case, I got a lot of "saying something she thought I would like to hear". On my side, I was honest and clear, but sometimes I honestly and clearly was being flexible - my partner said they had interest x, so I said, OK I can roll with that. I think that flexibility and accommodation could be misinterpreted by a suspicious partner as me "just changing myself to get something." When really I was thinking, I'm in a relationship, I'm going to change and grow, I am happy to try x or y.

[@mrmoe110]

I'd much rather deal with an anxious partner. With avoidant partners even bringing up how you feel makes them run away

[@indyd9322]

Exactly. 💯

[@cashmeoffline]

both can be just as disruptive, and both need to be healed in therapy. but it’s true that with a secure partner, anxious attachment patterns heal easier in response to genuine love and affection, as opposed to the self-sufficient avoidant’s.

[@maxsheerin8219]

Then you need to work on self love. Nobody deserves to be disgustingly treated by anyone.

[@Minccino_capuccino]

Nah, anxious partners might stalk you

[@lil-5154]

1. Independence 2. Confidence 3. Self-sufficiency 4. Directness (direct communication of needs) 5. Emotional strength

[@relaxation-Corner]

Well crap im none of thise things now. Im a stay at home mum deoendant on him and my confidence was shattered by him and he encouraged me to lose my independance so he could control me. And i dont have emotional strength with all the crap he puts me through

[@justinj.6323]

Gone need that emotional strength cause they’re not gone support you 😂

[@treetreetreetreetreetree]

Funny, I came here to find traits to downplay with avoidants but these are the traits I feel I need to survive.

[@grabbelton]

​@@justinj.6323omg😮😅😂😂😂

[@sethtenrec]

@@treetreetreetreetreetree I think this presenter is not 100% up to speed on this

[@toriejones7786]

I ended up dating an avoidant and it was the worst thing I ever could have done to myself.

[@babys8640]

same especially bc he was love bombing in the beginning

[@natasha.syberia]

1. Independence, 2. Confidence, 3. Self-sufficiency, 4. Directness, 5. Emotional strengh.

[@_--Reaper--_]

Thankyou for doing the Lord's work.

[@akotheffie8087]

Sometimes they are not avoidant, they just don't like you enough

[@Hesteforstanddk]

But probably not 10 in a row

[@akotheffie8087]

That doesn't mean you are not likable ❤️ The right person falls in love with all of you

[@Questioneverything72]

Yes unfortunately many people mis diagnose or over diagnose because of catchy label. Same goes with narcissism. Suddenly everyone is diagnosed as a narcissist.

[@BezzantSam]

@@Questioneverything72 it is overused, but very few narcissist get diagnosed because they do not seek out help. And very few avoidants change or get better.

[@VeganLife-mn1jp]

Agree with this and it happens a lot with women getting used for something like sex or housing when the guy isn’t all that into her, or just holding her as a placeholder until he meets someone he actually cares a lot about.

[@doreen7684]

Is this ever a real relationship? It shouldn't be this hard!

[@brendacarey5207]

If you give emotional intensity to an avoidance they call you needy and look for someone else.

[@linnie14]

yep!

[@onnol917]

They can be wonderful, beautiful and downright great people. You can see the pain of their history, the effort they put in and admire their survival instinct. Remember to always meet them where they are at and not where you want them to be. Don't try to save, show you care and they are welcome and if they take off let it go.

[@sushisam3010]

They must also meet the other person where they are. Relationship is co-creation. There has to be a limit to understanding things -- this is how people start to accept horrible behavior in relationships. It's very easy to get into a codependent relationship with avoidants, especially DAs, because it's a struggle for them to get out of their fantasy and show up in real life. It usually ends up being a relationship of just one person doing everything (giver and taker) and walking on eggshells. This video is wonderful, because it invites you to be authentic and they need to deal with it. There is no healthy relationship without conflict -- no more silencing! I can't understand or accept someone doing s*it, not being able to apologize and still getting angry when you say the obvious about avoidant behavior: it hurts people. And they still go weeks without talking to you, because don't know how to make amends. Everyone is responsible for what they feel, but our behaviors in a relationship do affect people. And we need to be responsible on our part. And yes, APs create problems too. Big ones.

[@georgeelder8415]

Mature AP's who have worked though their issues probably less so...

[@mjbitz]

I appreciated this comment a lot. I quickly learned to not go to the comments as much on these types of videos bc they’re filled with vitriol. As a FA dominant slightly DA person dealing with solid DA the comments started to make me feel pessimistic 😢 If you come across a DA who is actually a good person but just struggling mentally, I think they are worth the effort; but I think a lot of ppl get so wrapped up in the idea of being in love and thus feeding their own ego by making someone change themselves solely to reciprocate their love that they can’t see that. “Show you care and if they take off let it go” my sentiments exactly. ❤❤❤

[@jordanr7290]

Thank you so much!! These words are helpful

[@lf4678]

THIS! Some of them are worth it ❤

[@dagnychildermas]

Furiously scribbling down everything so I never attract an avoidant man ever again. Shit is straight up traumatizing.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I imagine it must be a difficult time. However, I would gently caution the impulse to "avoid all avoidants" I released a short on this topic this week. I would recommend reading the comment I posted underneath it. kzbin.info7UKeTbYLfYA?feature=share

[@ronj9448]

Forget giving them the "gift" of emotions - they'll drain you like Dracula and move on.

[@venomousbluefrog]

I want to know what attracts them so I can MAKE IT STOP! ETA: More like I should find out how to identify them to avoid them.

[@shimfin3832]

😂😂😂

[@neen9438]

Just leave by the first red flag or weird gut feeling. Cant stop toxic people to be attracted to you, they love kind people. Just set the rules high so you leave at once. And dont tell or give your heart in the beginning.

[@BezzantSam]

They are perpetually single. If someone is older and seems like a great catch and you can’t understand why they are single they may be avoidant.

[@misspeach3755]

@@BezzantSam Nah, that's not a good indicator. I know so many avoidants who are in a relationship or marriage because their partner does all the emotional work or carries the burden.

[@TheBlueFlameKeeper]

Dating an avoidant is like moving to the upside down.

[@musicallife3981]

Hahahahaha

[@julievillatoro87]

Show this to anyone who feel they met their “twin flame” 😂 They’re not your twin flame, babe! You’re just attracted to each other’s attachment styles.

[@bapbap22]

People be pursuing 4 people in 4 years but will describe all 4 as twin flames 😂 most people in your life are karmic

[@marterra]

I was married to an avoidant who left me after 8 years of marriage because I was being too dramatic for wanting his attention and love. He ended up having an affair with his father’s hospice care worker….talk about being dramatic! They deserve each other! I’ve now learned about my attachment style and on the road to being a healthier person.

[@mk9199]

Sounds like your too needy for a DA (even most securely attached can be too needy so pls don't take offence) Avoidants often have trouble with conflict so many will act out in order to force the other partner to end it or otherwise give excuse. In a messed up way it's to avoid hurting feelings. You can say he had an affair he's a -beep- now rather than second guessing yourself thinking I'm too needy or neurotic, he's already taken care of his own feelings so it's not about making himself feel good or narcissistic feedback or whatever other bs ppl like to put on Dismissive s. Talking general here take with pinch of salt

[@krook527]

In essence they expect a perfect partner but they themselves will be the most difficult emotionally distant, unreliable partner you can ever hope for. No thanks!

[@hrdxcore]

No. They hope for compassion and understanding and grace and protect themselves from people who would say things as you did here. :) They are wanting to "avoid" conflict..

[@rudolphilaga9557]

@@hrdxcorewell said, they are often misunderstood. If the anxious also tried to worked in their own issues and emotions, I think it could work out. Avoidants can actually be the best of friends and lovers, they just need to be understood and accepted.

[@libertybelllangdon1701]

The most painful thing is loving a dismissive avoidant man. I adore him love him with heart mind & soul. But he gives no emotion & never express anything. I can’t even tell if he likes me. Very sad & confusing I have tried for a long time to let him know what he means to me & it doesn’t matter. He has my heart but it’s been abandoned so he wins I will let him to be by himself.

[@armanzardast5848]

I once loved a dismissive avoidant girl in my class but because she act confusing, manilulative, so reserved, ghosting and lots of other stuff, I moved on and don't want to see her ever again. I am fine by myself now.

[@ReginaMcNeish]

Run girl RUN!! If you want a reaction or to know if he cares about you. Disappear and don’t answer him. AT ALL. You will see what he thinks/feels. If he realizes that you are gone he will play and not react and go on with his life or he will try reaching you. BUT YOU DO NOT CARE… find someone better.. make it a mission. He is wasting your good years of life. It’s cruel.

[@ruthr8990]

Move on I am in the same situation. Much happier avoid the avoidants!❤️

[@Qihello]

Doesn't sound like he knows what love is nonetheless express it

[@canis556]

Man who barely express himself os not bad. Imagine woman not being emotional. It's so confusing

[@Antaeres]

Avoidant people aren't realistic. People need people, period point blank. Can you imagine how difficult it is to navigate the world with chronic illness? You will need people. Being in a relationship with an avoidant is literally traumatising. We are all going to get old or at some point possibly be ill in some way. Avoidant people come across as severely selfish and narcissistic. In a partnership or relationship you have shared needs, there is no running away from that. If caring for someone bothers you, don't be in a relationship.

[@Karll541]

It’s unfortunate how much pressure they put on their partners for their insatiable desires. I don’t understand how they get that way. Unable to communicate their needs expecting their partner to read their mind. It’s exhausting and sad

[@DwightLivesMatter]

@@Karll541Both of you clearly have disconnect to reality.

[@Karll541]

@@DwightLivesMatter please explain

[@livclaireschmaltz5703]

@Karll541 It's because "the self" is not aware of it's self. It's the contempt in body language that tells you what they truly feel. The body never lies.

[@Karll541]

@@livclaireschmaltz5703 so how do they improve this awareness? Trying to talk to them or point it out just seems to trigger their defenses. I would hope that they want to put in the effort of changing. I’ve gotten better at reading between the lines but would prefer not to

[@gnarlyboyjai]

Always a silver lining. These type of people can end up making you stronger if you start focusing on yourself and instead of being bitter towards them just love from a distance and pray for them. Keep yo energy/vibrations intact.

[@salonez91]

I did that for 7 years. And nothing changed. Even went worse.

[@Florence-zg1mc]

Why be strong when you will miss out on love that actually meets you half way? Reciprocal love will make you even more powerful.

[@Greenwitch_Garden]

Love this. ❤ As an FA, I attract DAs and never knew why. I always thought they didn’t like me. Then I found Attachment theory and realized my trauma and their trauma resulted in the lacking relationship. Communication is key. It’s really hard to learn to communicate when my life was filled with traumatic and toxic situations. Ugh but it is my responsibility to heal myself, first and foremost.

[@bcrwarlock1974]

I completely relate to what you are saying. I'm in a relationship with a DA now, and what you say is true, communication is key. Best of luck to you on your healing journey, and may you become securely attached.

[@Hesteforstanddk]

FA? DA?

[@bcrwarlock1974]

@@Hesteforstanddk FA is fearful avoidant, DA is dismissive avoidant.

[@Hesteforstanddk]

@@bcrwarlock1974 Thanks ☺️

[@ralucamera6574]

Yes communication is the key, however my person didn’t like open communication, at least on topics that he didn’t feel comfortable to be open about but are crucial for a healthy relationship.

[@ralucamera6574]

Been with a person with avoidant attachment style, but found it boring after a couple of months. No clarity in making plans, confused with their feelings.

[@linnie14]

YES! I find them completely boring. Like talking to cardboard that thinks it wants a relationship.

[@EmmiA-hr5jk]

haha love this one, i've found out i really am avoidant myself (recovering i would say), and also recently meeting a lot of other avoidants and this hit me :D @@linnie14

[@AceKite00]

And that’s what we fear the most. We fear our partner will just get bored and leave, like we were never worth getting with to begin with. That if we don’t constantly come up with things to do, then it’s time to just leave us for someone more entertaining. And that perpetuates our behaviors and trauma even moreso.

[@TheAsvarduilProject]

I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure I like this comment thread. As someone who's had CPTSD and has been working on my issues, all these comments saying that avoidant people don't deserve love are really terrifying to me. I think what the video creator is saying is that the behaviors an avoidant person has can sour and ruin a relationship if not accounted for. Yes, as avoidant people do need to heal for reasons including a good love life. However, to dismiss avoidant people for their situation to me is wrong. You're ironically doing to them what an avoidant does with their patterns. In a relationship - any relationship - we should actively work on being our best selves. That doesn't mean taking someone else's crap, but it also doesn't mean discarding someone because of their past. We all have pasts that influence how we act. We should tell people how we feel, keeping an eye to the emotional load that another person can handle, and we should negotiate ways to be with and around each other. Ultimately, this idea that one should never date an avoidant because they're avoidant is ableist in the extreme. Those saying that are people I'm quite happy to avoid in as many contexts as is reasonable. Avoidant folks aren't the only ones that need to do some introspection.

[@oohms88]

At the end of the day these are just labels for behaviour patterns. Each person's reasons are going to be unique, but at the end of the day we each just need to find someone we mesh with

[@happygolucky9004]

I think many people are just venting frustrations because they have been hurt by people with similar patterns of behavior. I think what they mean is don't date partners with unhealthy behavior patterns. Even if someone wants to work on their behaviors, it will take a long time to truly fix/heal. It's not fair to ask the other person to wait or continue to be hurt. I'm my experience if I see unhealthy patterns of behavior early and I know it will take a long time to fix I leave. It's better to be with a partner who is at the same stage in life.

[@Ishtarocha]

They'll probably dismiss you first, anyways hehehe

[@crazy4beatles]

Same. 😢 social media has created this dichotomy where avoidants are always the villains and anxious attachment people are always the victims. We’re both messed up and need to work on ourselves 😅

[@danika9411]

I agree. Plus what some people in this comment section describe doesn't even sound like avoidant attachment, but like anxious preoccupied/ambivalent attachment. And some describe behaviour that sounds like the narcissistic abuse circle. And they just claim that's their experience with an avoidant partner, when that sounded like the experience you would expect from someone with a cluster b personality disorder. I think some of them are mixing things up and don't actually know what avoidant attachment is.

[@Nya9091]

Avoidants get a lot of criticism and I get that, but being on the other side with an anxious I have to say this is equally as toxic. Being expected to give 24/7 attention and it never being enough, being scrutinised if I’m having a bad day and being off, like everything revolves around them. The lack of empathy, the expectations to be made a priority and the threats, manipulation and abuse if you aren’t showering them with constant affection and putting their needs above your own is equally as toxic. It works both ways

[@Cookiedesigns254]

Holy shit this is exactly what went through with an anxious! They literally expect you to suck yourself dry! Hell no I’m out ✌️

[@Nya9091]

Yes I had really bad health, was in hospital and needed time you understand? Was in surgery, needed genuine recovery time and I did voice this, I repeated it’s NOT personal, but they punished me and said I’m ghosting, I’m a narcissist, I’m selfish, I’m causing them to feel unwanted and don’t love them and it made more stress during my health problems and made me want to avoid even more especially when they showed no regard for my health and made it all about them, it made me think no I don’t want to talk to you when you’re threatening to ruin my life, get revenge on me and telling me I am selfish. It was projection at its finest. The suicide threats too. I felt like I was a bad person for being weak and having no energy during my illness and because I wasn’t texting 24/7 and giving them all my energy I was evil?

[@Cookiedesigns254]

@@Nya9091 You weren’t being evil at all. You did what you needed to do to take care your health, since they showed no empathy or care for you. You did everything you could to reassure them WHILE in a health crisis… that speaks volume of your character! Screw them that’s their loss. Don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself.

[@middledog466]

i'm a fearful avoidant person and my anxious style comes out HEAVILY when i have avoidant partners. i behaved pretty much that way and i had no idea how sick it was keeping me and making the other person. i was so self righteous in my behavior because i knew i was hurting, and i genuinely had no idea how abnormal my obsessive behavior was.

[@ampersand6375]

I literally can only fall for or be attracted to anxious attachment style-being avoidant myself-its like a dying star trying to get away from a black hole.... without the push-pull... it's so apathetic.... I cannot get attached to anything else and it's so unhealthy... but something keeps me begging for more....

[@Ecotips]

why to waste so much time and resources in this kind of people (Avoidants) do not force anything, just let them go and go on with your life.

[@MillyMolz]

"... Their spiritual assignment for growth" 🙌🏽

[@sarahalramezi]

It's interesting that it's usually the female who is anxious and the male is avoidant. I'm a female who is avoidant, and I've decided not to be in intimate relationships (in all their forms) anymore to avoid all the drama. I have the skills to deal with narcissist and anxious. I just don't want to anymore. It's not fulfilling in any sense and a real waste of time.

[@GabeSeamless]

as a securely attached person...thank you

[@christinatichenor9721]

I was just thinking how basically all of the characteristics that avoidant find attractive, are things that us women have needed to learn in order to hold our own independently. Meanwhile we are tired, want to share the load, and are nearly desperate for it which causes anxiety. What a paradox.

[@MessagesFromAurora]

same. I think I'm more avoidant. and I don't think I was built to be in a relationship. at least nothing close to what society calls a relationship. just seems like it's putting up with a lot of stress and unpleasantness without much reward. I have more peace on my own.

[@mk9199]

Avoidant female here as well(dismissive type), and I agree. Cost-benefit doesn't add up, we do better on our own and are happier with friends than all the drama and neediness of a partner. Her 'advice' of NOT giving space when we ask for it, yeah nah I'm outta there faster than a mouse in a cattery 💨

[@sarahalramezi]

@@mk9199 Just thinking about this "advice" is triggering. The stronger the hold the faster we slip away.

[@Jeb9221]

I love an avoidant but it is so painful. I'm never sure whether to give him space or initiate a conversation. My feelings are ignored. He avoids talking about deep stuff. I'm not even sure if I'm in a relationship. I know he has emotional wounds but it's so painful to love an avoidant.

[@auralionasol2205]

I say this with the most heart.... If you want him to chase you, ghost him... I did this and my ex avoidant chases me till this day... But I'm in love with an anxious... And I'm an anxious and it's way better so I'm never going back to an avoidant person

[@auralionasol2205]

And I ghosted because we got into an argument and he acted like he gave no shits and it was the last straw for me.... I was pretty surprised that he's been chasing this long but the guy I have now is way better yeah he still has issues bc of adhd but after Finally having someone who wants to do what I wanna do and does not ignore me on purpose shit is crazy bc all I've done is deal with avoidant I won't ever do it again, I'd rather date anxious or secure.... Anything with avoidant I'm just going to avoid they are secret narcs

[@nescience2978]

In my humble experience of loving an avoidant, the best option was the first one. Give them space... forever. Your judgment will clear with time, but only if you are giving them space. Because when you give them space you are therefore also giving yourSELF space. When you do that everything gradually comes into focus and you can see the person for who they really are.

[@cherrylane79]

If they won't get therapy, it'll be painful for you.

[@NEOL1NK]

Damn, I feel 100% called out. I didn’t use to be like this, though. I’m better off single until I figure my shit out.

[@bcrwarlock1974]

It's okay to not be perfect, and still be in a relationship. I think the key is willingness to work on your own issues, and hopefully your partner is doing the same. You are lovable, even with your flaws!

[@chelsey241]

@@bcrwarlock1974No, they were right. You owe it to your future partners to get your shit worked out first so you don’t screw them over with your baggage.

[@NEOL1NK]

@@chelsey241 The answer is somewhere in between. People do need to sort their issues in between relationships, but if you find yourself in one, you do the best you can at the moment. You can’t always have the most ideal situation; if you want your current relationship to work out, you might have to build the boat as you sail it. Assuming it's not just, like, a terrible relationship, of course. In my case I feel like there’s stuff in my personal life I need personal space to work on at my own pace without a partner’s needs and expectations factoring in, so I’m relieved to be single at the moment.

[@annelbeab8124]

​@@NEOL1NKwell said

[@HoustonHoney]

Or we can find someone healthier. This sounds like too much work and relationships need to be fun and make us feel good.

[@AlexisCruz-lp8fs]

That's totally within your freedom. The amount of work you want to put into a relationship is totally up to you. If someone meets someone else and it requires more work, but their heart feels that it could be worth it in the long run, then that's their freedom too. Someone may want to buy a house that's already built and only focus on saving enough money for it, someone else may want to build a house and focus on finding the right materials to build it with and learning the skills they need to build it. No person is wrong.

[@amandaforrester7636]

Yeah I'm anxious and working to become more secure. I want my next and hopefully final partner to be securely attached. I am TIRED.

[@damiensynq3641]

Why would anyone want to be in an unrequited situation like this? I've tried dating an avoidant off and on for over 8 months and it was horrible (I was living in an emotional HELL). I believe that relationships should not be this complicated. I finally decided to move on/count my losses and I've recently found an amazing woman who has the capacity to openly show, give and receive love in a way that's more than acceptable for me.

[@armanzardast5848]

You did the best thing.

[@anoriginalnick]

The dream ...

[@KeiyaHood]

This is my opinion- we are all seeking validation in our relationships. When our significant other does not respond to us in a way that we want it will cause a lot of conflict. I am feeling like the dismissive avoidant comes across as cold and stubborn. When in actuality it’s just a coping mechanism from childhood trauma. Of course everything is not going to be black and white and it is not fair to put the burden of our happiness upon our partners. If you are going to love someone just do that- love them and decide if that person is right for you. I think these types of challenges help us grow and help us do better in relationships especially when these things are not their fault.

[@lila8008]

​@@KeiyaHoodthe coping mechanism IS the stubborn and cold dismissive behavior, and if they are unwilling to change what has been made conscious to them, then they are quite literally toxic to themselves and others.

[@sarahhope6691]

I understand this feeling of this pain. I have been in a relationships with a narcissist person and avoidant person. It’s so confusing they have the capacity of showing love but it’s inconsistent or fake

[@bettystiegler1702]

I made the mistake of falling for an avoidant man who was IMO leading me on. I gave too much, too soon, and he totally changed. It hurts a lot, but I’m teaching myself to walk away from situationships that hurt more than they help.

[@RaroHi]

modern dating effing sucks.

[@BezzantSam]

You are a beautiful person. Hopefully you find someone secure.

[@vanessac1965]

Don't confuse the intimacy of sex with a real bond. If you feel like there's no real interest in your inner world and you have to make all the bids for genuine connection, you're probably dealing with an avoidant. Oh and they can't do conflict, but they will do punitive to maintain their hyperindependence. Don't do it to yourself. The stress will drain you.

[@annab3184]

If you feel like there's no real interest in your inner world then it's not the time to analyze why, it's time to choose to leave. Seriously. Who cares if they're avoidant or whatever. If they're not interested in you but still hang around for some reason, you're signing up for pain by staying.

[@SkyePhoenix]

I used to be anxiously attached... and now after more trauma I am disorganized or I have traits of both.

[@allaboardthegravytrain5987]

Usually they’re choosing you for sex, temporary companionship or they can see you have earning power or have a house or wealthy family. They’ll be loyal to you once you have that “dowry” for them.

[@carolinelaronda4523]

Yup you nailed it . This is what mine did .

[@jordanr7290]

Wow! I have a lot to think about! Too real!!

[@creatureofstyle]

Yep, mine too. Same same same

[@anoriginalnick]

🙋‍♂️

[@zanegood855]

Eerily accurate 😳🫢

[@Ishtarocha]

When nearly everyone is emotionally fucked up in this world, it's just a matter of whom will hurt whom first and whom will decide to be forgiving and patient so it can work out. But when it gets to the point that forgiveness and patience it's not paying off, it turns out to be a matter of protecting yourself before you become just like them.

[@LEE...337]

What you're describing is like being with someone who has ADD. It's not for the faint of heart. The last thing "we" want is "emotional intensity" from an anxious person/partner, it comes across as needy, naggy, insecure and confusing to be put into the position of parenting a partner that's trying to parent "us" in the name of "love". If we're not actively working on ourselves, do yourself a favour and move on, honestly. We'll feel the hit intensely but we'll recover a lot quicker in our own way... Relationships aren't meant to be hard fought battles where we hope to win each others "love", they're meant to be natural, flowing rivers of acceptance and growing connectivity from the get go.

[@michelle9942]

hii thank you for this comment. Just to understand ur attachment style further, what about commitment and future plans scare you? and secondly, is there anything a partner could do to make you feel more safe about opening up?

[@mgn1621]

Relationships give us the biggest opportunity to grow and evolve.

[@kimmandley9356]

Oh my goodness, I am emotionally intense. He is so hot and cold, on and off. There is never time to progress this relationship because after we connect, he ghosts me.

[@Nyumc99]

Dump that loser ❤

[@maddart4445]

Stop going back. It is a game to him.

[@danieljones8191]

My ex was like this. I regret not breaking up with her before she did me because she was clearly the problem.

[@kimmandley9356]

@@danieljones8191 thank you for sharing this.

[@KatieKamala]

OMG this is all so complex, is it any wonder that I take shelter, hiding in my bedroom at night instead of going out?

[@acadoe]

I don't know how people I see in the comments can go onto a video about avoidants, know that we didn't choose to be how we are, that it's a trauma response, and just shit all over us. You come to the exact place where we are trying to heal and shit on us. That's pretty low.

[@c.leighx]

Yeah these comments are talking like being avoidant makes people straight up narcissists. Why when someone's needy it's fine but someone's avoidant it's demonized when both are trauma responses.

[@maxsheerin8219]

So go heal then before getting involved with and destroying other people. Yes its a trauma response but you have no business traumatising others until you change your 💩 behaviour

[@acadoe]

Your insensitivity to our trauma is helping nothing. We are literally here to do just that, heal.@@maxsheerin8219

[@acadoe]

Yeah, two sides of the same coin, but treated completely differently. @@c.leighx

[@c.leighx]

@maxsheerin8219 They are trying to by putting themselves out there and trying to date. If you cant accept others have flaws that's not their problem.

[@KVG822]

He kept saying he wants to be there for me and take care of me and then when I wanted to discuss next steps he pushed me away so fast and started to withdraw. He was spending a lot of time with me before.

[@Minccino_capuccino]

I've noticed something. Avoidants are like cats. Anxious are like dogs. Cats/Avoidants are independent. It might be more difficult to gain their trust. You have to let them come to you. They chose when they're ready for affection. Once they've had enough, they retreat or they'll be overstimulated. Dogs/Anxious require more attention. They follow you around everywhere you go. They have terrible separation anxiety. They think you're gone forever, but you have only left for a little while. Now, you wouldn't ask a cat to be a dog, would you? Of course, not all cats and dogs are the same, but I do notice some behavioral similarities with anxious/avoidants

[@stevetroxel7195]

Damn this describes my current gf 😮 im trying not to take it personally but damn it’s annoying

[@Minccino_capuccino]

@@stevetroxel7195 I wish you good luck in your relationship! 💖

[@daniellapaterson6042]

Lmao 😄 they are

[@thierrycerdeira206]

I get along with cats just fine. What about those that have a blend of avoidant and anxious. that's the ones I struggle with.

[@carlotta4th]

So "be eternally patient with an avoidant, always give them space, and accept they might not be able to show you affection (physical or emotional) back." Hell no. I'd rather pursue a relationship with a secure person who can love and support me back like I love and support them. Everyone deserves a two way street, you should be PEERS. If they're incapable of being a peer then leave (as hard as it may be).

[@marazampariolo3200]

Aka Enable their Maladaptive Defence Mechanisms so they never have to actually do the work and heal

[@danika9411]

There is a difference between an avoidant attachment style and avoidant personality disorder. What you describe is avoidant personality disorder. People with an avoidant attachment style ( who don't have a personality disorder ) tend to self isolate under stress and need a long time to trust, but once they do they are very loyal and they can show emotions very well once they trust someone. These are 2 different things.

[@middledog466]

did you actually watch and listen to this video?

[@chrissyk3399]

As a fearful avoidant, I can completely confirm that I’ve been the anxious or avoidant partner depending on my partners attachment style.

[@israelmateaki9235]

avoidants are people too. both avoidant and anxious attachment styles have pros and cons. some of yall gotta stop acting like the other party is solely the problem.

[@MENTAL-STRENGTH101]

True

[@owenchamberlain9731]

You lost the plot bro, they both have to be healed out of

[@israelmateaki9235]

@@owenchamberlain9731 how did i lose the plot? it is quite obvious both have to heal if both attachement styles are unhealthy.

[@owenchamberlain9731]

@@israelmateaki9235 Then your point is ok, but the people who watch these have issues so it seems off the plot to play the pros and cons or responding to stupid judgmental shit. That's all, I'm comfortable with the nuance that you intended to clear the air on judgmental shit.

[@israelmateaki9235]

@@owenchamberlain9731 i see what you’re saying. as someone who was avoidant and then anxious at different periods of my life, i just dislike to see people in need trashing on other people in need.

[@dracofangxxx]

the best thing for me as an anxious was to date another anxious. i immediately empathised with my avoidant partners and it helped me be better to them. i still don't think i'd pick one again as a partner unless they were a very good communicator like my spouse is.

[@TheToughDuff]

I used to be this person not realizing my insecurities. And i was also sometimes anxious at times. My ex was also avoidant. We only saw each other once a month. He would want me to leave after a few hours of hanging out. I realized after breaking up for 9 months this person was very toxic in my life and i became a healthier person by not being around them. Talking with ex after break up... I was very direct and this ex was still very shy and passive. I stopped chasing

[@cokecan6169]

I'm avoidant attachment, I believe we all have huge trust issues. The fear of betrayal is so strong that anything you do that makes us feel insecure will push us back to feeling like an outsider.

[@musicallife3981]

Explain?

[@wawaicedcoffee]

Yes this is exactly it. People in this comment section think being an avoidant means we don’t care, no we care TOO MUCH and then don’t handle that fear well

[@cokecan6169]

@@musicallife3981 we have a voice in our minds that constantly reminds us that people can easily let go of us, and to prevent the hurt of being the one who is thrown away, we would rather distance ourselves from a human relationship that could potentially result in us being rejected or abandoned. Lot of this could be because avoidants are people who have experienced betrayal multiple times in their lives from friends and family. If even the people you thought were on your side till the end betrayed you, then who honestly deserves trust?

[@cokecan6169]

@@musicallife3981 throw enough coins at a stray dog and it will learn to fear pennies. That's how avoidants feel about close human relationships.

[@thegreatinterpreter8382]

I definitely have this. Every relationship I've ever accidently fallen into... immediately becomes a mental game in my head called, "How the hell am I going to get myself out of this!?"

[@Jubilee_BX]

Wow

[@msv9637]

I heard it’s because we are trying to heal eachother through eachother. But often what ends up happening is one or both parties are traumatized again

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching in for commenting. That’s a very insightful and succinct way of putting it.

[@Aerie925]

I think everyone can experience all attachment styles. Different people and relationships bring out the various attachment styles. No one is locked into a certain style. The goal is do your work on yourself and to find someone who brings out secure attachment and not settle for anything less.

[@rashiarora4778]

this !

[@moriahmcquay4238]

THIS.

[@rebecca_stone]

"Emotional strength" - yep, well be prepared to have that demolished by a relationship with a severely avoidant partner. I'm not blameless, I've got FA style. Anyone with any sort of attachment wound should honestly steer well clear of the avoidant types unless they are doing hardcore therapy.

[@jimjam8949]

10 yr relationship with someone just like this. Most confusing relationship of my life. Crazy making and hammered my self esteem.

[@knitnpaint]

Absolutely. 5 years now. It needs to end.

[@andreaf5369]

36 years here ... I have changed so much - My happy go lucky spark has been replaced with depression, fear and negativity - The person I thought I would be with forever is now a person I don't know and I no longer have myself either

[@bluebubble13]

Yeah I'm still trying to recover.

[@sistemasrbija]

all of this - narcissistic avoidant this that and the other... the more I listen to these videos - and they're great - the more I don't want to have to do with anyone other than my cat. y'all can have each other and leave me be.

[@darlawrence9295]

FINALLY!!! Someone that doesn't act like anxious or avoidant is a disease but a coping style that reacts to specific coping skills. Love this.

[@IttakesaGoober]

Yep, it's called survival, evolutionarily speaking!

[@LuisaQuinn-ul6bv]

You just described 90% of my husband's way of expressing and behaving himself! 🤣 So far my patience has helped us live our marriage for 15 years with quite normal ups and downs - so far. Some points you enlist or describe reflect also myself, and mirroring or projecting in a tight relationship can be frustrating, but working it through gives us both more inner stability and confidence of who we really are and what we can achieve, for ourselves and for both as a couple. Very nice and clear question-answer-explanation upon which you build up the discourse! ✨💫

[@lucerorodriguez6842]

The last person i dated was definitely avoidant. We made it past conflict resolution so it ended upnwith both us resenting each other . He always dismissed my feelings about things that hurt me. It was just a no for me. I tend to go between anxious and secure attachment within myself. So im not attracted to him emotionally anymore bevause i want someone who is more open, emotionally safe and intelligent, and validating

[@Nyumc99]

I could not have said that better myself! Spot on. Find a grown up that can reciprocate. 💕

[@luna84_]

😢i feel it

[@debrawarner6165]

Avoidant here. Engulfed in childhood. Sexual boundaries violated

[@beewest5704]

I realised I was avoidant by just the amount of stalkers I attracted. Realising this made a ton of difference in my life.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

or you are emotionally devoid like a robot

[@Drewzdev]

I don't understand what you mean? also can you give me your fb, insta and tiktoks please :) for no reason in particular.

[@Dimples216]

this is my problem. Ive become avoidant because of how weird people treat me.

[@grmpEqweer]

I fear closeness. If you want to drive me away, start putting demands on me. Not requests; demands. Also, start lying to me. It would help if you got suspicious and critical towards me. Try to micromanage my behavior: how I look, dress, run my life. Be convinced your ideas are far better than mine. Treat me as if I'm dumb. Don't be interested in my emotions, dismiss them, minimize them, or even better, take my feelings as a personal insult of some sort towards yourself. Tell me you're going to help me with something I'm desperate enough to actually ask for help for (very rare), and then flake on the offered support. Be sure to guilt trip and gaslight me while you're at it. ...I will dash like my butt is on fire..

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

@@grmpEqweer Please dash to a therapist's office and work on healing your avoidant attachment issues and traumas. If what you describe is true, then you are a mess and need help.

[@Aztecsanddehydration]

Anyone watching this to figure out how to repel avoidants? 😂

[@sethtenrec]

Absolutely

[@jcrawford5674]

I'm sorry we're like this

[@Aztecsanddehydration]

@@jcrawford5674 i dont think avoidants are bad people i just think im incompatible with them

[@legend-pq1qi]

@@jcrawford5674 I'm AP after a relationship with an FA where I was secure. What I've come to realize is 1. I cannot date someone who will not self-improve 2. The person I'm considering to date must secure. I am only interested in serious relationships and FA's and DA's seem to be the exact opposite of what I am looking for. I can tolerate an AP, but not if they aren't looking to grow. My last ex was DA (only 2 ex's), and she was an amazing person who just couldn't handle even the slightest bit of conflict. We had one fight for the duration of our relationship, that wasn't even big (I asked her to be around more often and asked for a bit more affection... because there was none) and we broke up. I'm sorry, but I cannot date/marry someone who upon the slightest inconvenience will decide our relationship was not worth it. I'd still take my DA ex back, but only as friends until she does work on her own to become secure and deal with conflict. Of course, she's DA so she'll never ask for help in such an effort. All in all, secure is just not a headache. I shouldn't have to give everything to someone and receive nothing back. Even the most secure people realize it's not viable or reasonable. No shame against you. I just hope it's understood that a relationship cannot succeed without communication and avoiding that at all cost is a surefire way to boom it.

[@knitnpaint]

Let me know, if you find out.

[@AceKite00]

I feel that I’m avoidant attachment and I’m gonna lay out my emotions raw right here. 1. Wow she’s lovely and amazing in every way. I will show her physically and emotionally the best things ever! -- Ok it’s been like three days of nonstop contact, time for her to leave now. I need my space. I’ll do other stuff and text her in two days time. I know she’s fine and she loves me so that’s enough for me. I’m secure. 2. Feeling energized again! Yo! Those plans we made, let’s finally do it. Yea right now! It’ll be great! ….yea that was a great time. ---ok I’m not sure how to really keep the ball rolling here and I’m a little nervous. Somehow I felt as if I came on too strong this time I’ll just go do my thing for awhile. Maybe a full day is enough alone time? I can easily go 3 days no contact though. I mean I showed her all this love and she knows I’ll come back again. I know she loves me so we’re good.. 3. She’s sick?!? I must do everything in power to make sure she gets better and identify what’s wrong with her. Come up with a solution to fix this. I’ll stay with her until she’s good. -- ok she’s good. I’m kinda exhausted I’ll just be doing my own thing for awhile. And that’s basically how I am in a nutshell. I want nothing more than to experience that human connection and intimacy, and I’m very good at flirting, but I’m scared of pursuing relationships because once I get in them, I’m afraid she’ll think I don’t care about her or just string her along. And that is NOT TRUE. It’s not!

[@questiona7]

This guy cut me off without saying one word, before he cut me off at the same day we even talked with each other three hours😅😅those three hours I was trying to find a way to explaining my behaviors, I don’t remember too much details now, I don’t know if he is avoidant one

[@NitaJain]

I experienced all of the above with an avoidant friend but he jumped ship when I was in the hospital.

[@jeanannedupratt7075]

Fixe yourself. You need to.

[@AceKite00]

@nedupratt7075 Oh yea? Go ahead and enlighten me. If you and i were together, how would you be? If I communicate to you "Hey I wanna just be alone tomorrow", how would you react? How much attention do you need?

[@ForeverTogether219]

@@AceKite00 I have a man whom I love .. we have talked about space. When we finally get together.. N he needs space.. it doesn’t bother ME.. I am not clingy.. If we are enjoying things together.. that’s different.. … We have talked about everything That we like to do.. As of late .. not really Much communication.. Why ?? Not sure.. I do not want to change him .. God changes people not Me.. But he has so much talent He loves goals n we plan on sitting down.. N planning our goals.. Anyway.. I am sure That there is a spark Between US n we Enjoy talking about it.. Sorry that I jumped right in here I guess I am trying to figure things out… ✌️☮️✨

[@user-fz7zy6yk1c]

I am anxious trying to connect with an avoidant for 13 years. I love him deeply, I am done.

[@Karll541]

I feel for you

[@Nishinga.]

Same :(

[@madlenakrusteva9004]

I am anxious and I was in 12 years relationship with an avoidant and he left me for someone else last summer....I even tried to become more secure but even this obviously doesnt work..

[@Gamingfluff6]

15 years here!! 😢😢 But now we're finally separated.

[@cornelj.]

I dated an abusive narcissist once, and I dated an avoidant recently. The amount of damage done was the same, except the avoidant did it faster. Please don't ever waste your time on an avoidant!!!

[@Therobbijamesshow]

As a secure - I feel bad for the avoidant. They are struggling more than most of us. If you’re a man - keep your purpose in mind.

[@VeganLife-mn1jp]

No, avoidants usually have high self esteem, and a belief that others are lesser than them to some degree. They may not be able to sustain a serious loving relationship, but they have a strong core and generally have happy lives. The folks who don’t run from relationships with avoidants might be able to fully love someone else, unlike avoidants, but often have issues with feelings of low self worth and shaky self esteem which is made worse by the avoidant’s jarring behavior.

[@MikeNesheiwat]

It’s almost impossible to discern whether or not an avoidant partner is withdrawing for self preservation or whether they are silently waging emotional warfare.

[@minoltaaraya]

Both. 🥹

[@silviacamka9088]

Very nice video. Nevertheless, a relationship takes 2 partners... If only 1 is interested in working out, it will never be a success. How many anxious attached people have watched this video? And how many avoidants? For those who have been together for years ..I would doubt how sane has been this experience.

[@canis556]

Non consistent love made me obsessed and bring so much anxiety into my life. I became really emotionally volatile. She broke up with me 3 times during 2 years. I wanted to show her love and compassion but ultimately it wrecked me.

[@KeiyaHood]

Please also reflect on your attachment style whether it is anxious or secure. Avoidant types be it male or female are repulsed by neediness, clinginess anything that appears could disrupt their own independence. ( I am speaking for my self). It will not matter how nice you are. The better question to ask is what do they find attractive and what are their life goals. Talk about their childhood and ask how it made them feel. Avoidants have a hard time with “feelings” and may only express them in moments of trauma like a birth or a death. Things literally life changing. Now there are some other videos on KZbin that further breakdown the cycles avoidants go through do to no contact. It’s all so interesting. Good luck with your dating life. ❤

[@canis556]

@@KeiyaHood oh believe me I reflect about my attachment so much, got much more insight and will to do the work. I feel like I have lean anxious in that dynamic, but feel like even being secure seems needy for a avoidant person, especially when they deactivate. On the long run I just feel disconnected and sad and that just make things worse. Expressing need to talk things and resolve stuff just repulse avoidant. Everything should be easy and smooth for them, otherwise they pull away

[@Oceanusnovas-um2zf]

And here is the plot twist to this; these are the very same people who run behind you, say they are Real (that's the big one lol) and looking for that special friend. Meanwhile in the beginning you low key weren't trying to get involve with anyone at that moment. You were contended in your life if only for that time but eventually they awaken something inside of you (an intrigue) You eventually gave time to have a connection and then they sabotage all of it and ran away. Left you holding a bag of emotions, feelings and confusing which you don't know what to do with. Until you get rid of it all. The cycles continue IF you let it. Look for the signs, tap into your spiritual gift strongly and start discerning people and run as fast as you can.

[@callumraza5046]

I'm avoidant, my suspicion of anxious lovers is that it feels like they will just fall in love with whomever happens to be in front of them

[@amesinspace]

Thank you for sharing your honesty

[@annag380]

Anxious person here. I think that that’s an overstatement. I am on my healing journey after a heartbreaking experience with an avoidant. I noticed I am not interested in secured individuals. I have been on dates with good secured men and I felt absolutely nothing however I am naturally drawn towards avoidant men. Like a magnet 🥹

[@WhopyStompy]

I'm an anxious and that's just not true. Especially in a serious relationship. My avoidant partner isn't just the current fling. She's the love of my life. I pined over her for years before she gave me a chance. All that said, her avoidant behaviors and coping mechanisms do complicate things, especially arguments. She shells up during all conflicts whether brought on by me or her.

[@jenniferreed1396]

​@WhopyStompy my husband shells up during conflict also. I have to be very careful with my tone and words, because I can literally see the wall go up and his eyes become empty. He acts like I don't exist. He has told me that although it seems like he doesn't care, he is just forcing himself to not care. On occasion I can get him to express an emotion and it makes my heart so happy. I love when he tells me how I have hurt him, because then I know he loves me but is just in defensive mode to protect himself. I do not understand why it is so difficult for them to talk about what's on their mind. The funny thing is, he gets turned on by the crazy emotional Rollercoaster I make him ride by being with my anxious self. It's very strange 😂

[@Saar114]

Nope, unfortunatly im only attracted to avoidant ppl. Even with friends. I feel so much pain. Im also working ok healing anxious attachment and becoming secure..

[@a.modestproposal2038]

As a classic DA man with a 17 year marriage experience to an AA woman, her emotional intensity was certainly the gift attracting me to her, but then it would swell into emotional insobriety (see Heidi Preibe YT) and trigger my memories of parental emotional abuse and withdrawal. AAs would do well to accept that there is a limit her DA can tolerate and that it may even be an appropriate boundary being exercised.

[@Empress35]

I don't agree with this "need for independence". It's stems from having to do it all by yourself while growing up. That suffocated feeling can be connected to distance of self. Relationships require closeness. Yes you also have your own lives and do your own stuff, but if it's a pattern, it's a pattern.

[@sweetb2750]

We only have a very small time in this world, time is the most valuable currency. There is no reason to waste your limited life on someone who you have to dedicate energy that will more likely shorten your life span to accommodate. Let them figure themselves out and take back your own life.

[@pod8234]

Stellar advice……but it will likely fall on deaf ears. When it comes to “ love” both men and women go to strange limits to “keep” it around!

[@iluhsanti3348]

So an avoidant person wants their partner to act as if there is no partnership basically? No sharing, no support, nothing. I must be missing something.. like what positive attributes do avoidants bring to this pretty much one sided partnership?

[@axelomg4581]

It varies by person, but potentially a million other things. Sharing and emotional support as the center of relationships is a relatively new concept, but there are other aspects to a human.

[@jaredtopilko1313]

They don't bring any.

[@kait2264]

Because we want what we can't have haha

[@S.M.Jean-Mahmoud_Ier]

You missed the second word in "avoidant attachment"...

[@anem6737]

My experience is that the traits that attract an avoidant tend to be the giving and selfless aspects of a person. The avoidant doesn't want to give, so they need someone who is giving, who gives more than they should. The avoidant is self-absorbed, so they need their partner to be selfless in order for the relationship to survive the lack of effort & affection. It is inherently imbalanced. One is witholding as a survival strategy, the other is giving as a survival strategy.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for offering your perspective and experience. It sounds like you have done a lot of exploration and achieved great insight! I might offer, in my perspective, this is more of a codependant dynamic layered on top of insecure attachment styles. You might appreciate this video: Anxious Attachment, Trauma Bonding, and Codependency in Relationships kzbin.info/www/bejne/gWOoiKqAhdGirbM

[@anem6737]

@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I agree, it is a codependent dynamic, layered on top of insecure attachment styles. But being in an insecure attachment style makes it more difficult to avoid these codependent dynamics ime. The examples you brought up in the video apply more to secure attachment styles imo, or secure with a bent to each side of the spectrum, i.e. secure (B) and secure-avoidant (B/C) vs secure-anxious (B/A). Either that, or the person is self-aware and has worked on their insecure avoidant attachment style.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

@@anem6737 thank you for sharing your perspective. The examples I brought up in my video are the traits that avoidant partners consciously describe themselves being attracted to. It is the ideal that they would tell you they’re attracted to, and it is truly what they find admirable in others. That is why I talk about the shadow aspect of attraction in the second part of the video, which means that sometimes there’s a discrepancy between what we think we want, and what we actually find ourselves being attracted to and engaging with. additionally, this information was extracted from the survey I did of my email list, which is more than 50,000 people. We received more than 200 responses and the themes that emerged coincide with what I’ve offered here, Having worked for 15+ years with individuals on all sides of the fence.

[@anem6737]

@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Yes, it makes a lot of sense that avoidants describe themselves as being attracted to independent partners, as the main feeling they have in their relationships is being stuck and wanting more freedom. But in reality, on a subconscious level they seem to seek out anxious people, at least in my experience, probably what you call the "shadow" aspects of attraction, and one told me that being with another avoidant quickly falls apart because none of them is interested in giving the little extra. Which is anecdotal. But as I have seen a lot of this, including an avoidant who continues to seek out "clingy" partners while despairing over them and wanting advice on how to make them more "self-sufficient", it does guide my personal opinion. I appreciate your study though, which gives additional information about this phenomenon.

[@hautecouture2228]

not true. I am avoidant but also over giving and have been exploited my whole life

[@ke1tor]

I think there's a thin line that must not be crossed here. I am and was secure, but my ex turned me anxious. Now, what I assume you mean here is that even if you are a passionate person as an AP, I can agree that you shouldn't suppress who you truly are. BUT, I still don't think it'd be wise to chase them if they're pulling back or leaving you.

[@nor078]

My ex was an anxious who later turned into an avoidant. That relationship brought me to my knees. I learnt some harsh lessons from it.

[@tamzsha4776]

Gosh I’m currently going through the same. My partner was an anxious too, now is an avoidant. She’s thrown away a whole relationship because of miscommunication.

[@billycorgan7780]

Im in that situation weve been together 20 years and have a 17 year old what the hell.@@tamzsha4776

[@nor078]

@@tamzsha4776 I’m sorry you are going through this. In my situation there were a series of issues between us that turned my partner into an avoidant. I tried to save the relationship but he had checked out. It was a roller coaster of emotions that I never want to experience again. I hope you are doing ok.

[@bystandersarah]

That sounds like disorganized attachment. They are a mix of both anxious and avoidant…so the worst of both worlds.

[@nor078]

@@bystandersarah Yes, the worst of both worlds. There were a number of red flags I ignored to our detriment. He brought out the worst in me too sadly.

[@cosmopolitan4043]

I communicated my feelings and was told “I’m not responsible for your feelings”. Mmmmk thanks

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I would say that he’s not responsible for your feelings. But in a relationship you can, and should expect a partner to want to contribute to them. And certainly our partners have an impact on how we feel, otherwise, why would they be our partners? “I’m not trying to make you responsible for my feelings. I’m sharing how I feel because I want to invite you to participate in them. It is my hope that you care about my well-being, because I care about yours. It’s important to me to be in a relationship with a partner that wants to work together to make it a good relationship. You always have the choice to opt into that or not. As do I.”

[@cosmopolitan4043]

@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I’ve said things like that and was met with silence. He’s incapable or unwilling to share any emotions. I gave him a ton of grace because he’s a marine veteran and feelings will get you killed on the battlefield but after awhile it was like dating myself and while I love me I would prefer to be in a relationship, especially a sexual one with someone other than me lol. So I ended it.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

@@cosmopolitan4043 thank you for sharing a bit of your experience. Sounds like a journey of self discovery and insight and probably not an easy decision to make. Big hugs to you.

[@Portia620]

Apparently, that heal these attachment issues you need to be in the trenches dating to do that, but I think everyone should be transparent with their partner what they’re dealing with at a certain point in the relationship

[@armanzardast5848]

Thanks for the video but I have to say I moved on from this specific DA girl. I think they are not matured enough. Maybe I am wrong but I don't care because I don't want to see her ever again.

[@losethe4752]

Im the avoidant person (female) and when Im with a man who makes me feel safe I have no problem with communication!

[@emiliendavis9563]

Anxious man here, how does one do that? And are you still with one of those who created that safety?

[@kkb892]

That’s probably what you think lol. Or you’re not so deep in your avoidancy/ you’re healing

[@losethe4752]

@@emiliendavis9563 Knowing your attachment style allows you to work on yourself, we are only as good as the work we put into ourselves.

[@CupcakeChan2611]

The same I'm a fearful avoidant but when I've dated someone consistent I've showed up more consistently and communicated openly

[@DiamondsRexpensive]

​@@kkb892The likes of you think they're perfect and just like to blame others instead of look within themselves

[@Opensesame22]

How about gentleness and an extra dose of patience mixed with love next time you meet an avoidant. You met them cause you too have your limits. Avoidants are not scum to be considered hopeless and unworthy. They need your love expressed securely to help them get past the fear you'll leave them. If you are trustworthy and secure and serious, they will know ...they are hypervigilant. Be consistent; they will repay your love tenfold...if not hundredfold.

[@annb5106]

repaying the love hundredfold is a waste because once they do that and this creates emotional closeness they feel vulnerable and pull the rug from underneath you and create an excuse to stonewall you. This is crazy making for most people. Avoidants need to work on healing themselves before they start a relationship.

[@ophilianecr]

Um, since when is it our responsibility to heal an avoidant partner? Because you can't heal somebody who doesn't do the work to get better for themselves. I've been in that relationship, for 13yrs!!! Id constantly hear "You NEVER want to work with me or make me feel heard"!!! I changed the way i spoke, my approach, vocabulary, tone, behavior, in all kinds of ways, nothing. I was in therapy, he was too and we did couples counseling, no results, just demands! What happens is that the Avo partner continuously needs more and more "acceptance and accommodation" but then continuously reacts the same. They fail themselves and make it your fault for not doing enough to make them feel safe, but no mater what, no amount of twisting yourself into knots works! They ask and demand for more under the pretense that they will open up, but it happens so rarely. Only when it's absolutely necessary for them. That's because they are fundamentally not able to let go of the real issues, their real problem within themselves. Resentment. It's worse if they have a victim attitude. Only by consistently making the effort to try and overcome their avoidance can anything their partner does be effective.

[@maxsheerin8219]

What they NEED, is to f off and heal themselves and stop inflicting their crap on others. I loved an avoidant. All the kindness, patients, talks only served to help me destroy myself. They know FULL WELL what they are doing and they are ususally men. You cannot simply LOVE someone well. That's a superior thought. They must work on themselves and if they chose not to, then they are not worth it.

[@maxsheerin8219]

Facts. Someone is codependant on an avoidant and thinks they can fix them. They cant. ​@@ophilianecr

[@l4kr]

Avoidants are the ones leaving. Attached people are willing to do ANYTHING to keep the relationship and that includes fixing themselves. Secure people are obviously secure and they're usually reliable. Avoidants, however, are sabotaging everything because they simply do not care. All they need to do is to just say a few honest words every now and then. That's literally enough to prevent imposing trauma onto others.

[@barbaraschain9260]

My psychologist friend said that the longer they are in avoidant behaviour the more likely it is that they won't change. It takes a lot of work to unpack the trauma and move on. I totally understand. Too much pain. Feel so sorry for them... 😢

[@Sagatta32]

We never knew differently. We may be on the outside looking in. We are 'freaks' sometimes even to ourselves. We may see it as healing and self-preservation. The way that we know how.

[@user-il5yj1jv7o]

Down to the T... And I was told by a friend trying to be sympathetic by saying you feel disrespected I said no I was disrespected. Like feeling abandoned as to be abandoned

[@JayMParsons]

I've discovered in the past year that I am avoidant and have recently begun to suspect that the woman that I am strongly attracted to is also an avoidant. This video gives me hope, as I was thinking I was dealing with a double whammy where both of us are interested in each other but exhibit behaviors where we alternately run away from each other. If I know what the problem is, I have a chance to work to improve the situation.

[@robertachiarelli8584]

I realized I'm extremely avoidant and idk what to do. People here are describing us as monsters but not all of us are. It's probably true that we should stay away from relationships, reason why yesterday I decided to brwak up with my boyfriend to give him the possibility to find a partner who meets his needs better than me, that wants to plan the future, unlike me. I've been devastated so I guess i will start going to a psychologist and hope it will help, because I'm aware it's a problem

[@0114855]

Therapy is a good start. But why did you break up? It's not your responsibility to decide what's best for other adults and make decisions for others. If someone doesn't want to be with you they can tell you themselves. Are your sure you're not using it as an excuse? Good luck with therapy.

[@grmpEqweer]

​@@0114855 If you say so. I think my exes are better off without me.

[@danika9411]

​@@0114855 I think for most people it would feel terrible to know you aren't good enough. That no matter what you do, you can't fulfill your partners needs and live up to their expectations. That is actually very bad for someones self-esteem and self image. Avoidants learned that they are safest alone. So when they are hurting and self-preservation kicks in, they might break up. I have never done this myself ( breaking up, because of this ) But I still know and understand the feeling from growing up in an environment where a was ok and b could have been an a. And nothing was ever good enough. It hurts. What made you think that op wasn't suffering in the relationship? That it is just an excuse? Inferiority complex can be quiet harsh on the person.

[@tonyppe]

I have broken up with plenty of girlfriends in the past for the same reason and because they were in love and I just felt bad about myself because of that. It's been difficult to receive gifts in the past as well. I done a lot of therapy both personal and with a psychologist and what helped me the most was learning to understand myself. What I do know is that 99% of people wont understand and will make up their own mind and stick to that even though they're wrong. I spent a LOT of time trying to understand people, why they do things and this helped me understand myself too.

[@grmpEqweer]

@@0114855 Because of the guilt. If you were to find yourself in a relationship with someone who wants a marriage, and maybe kids, and you don't want that? When it's obvious I'm not what they really want, I'm not capable of fulfilling their dreams? Then they start trying to _make me into a person I can't be,_ because I'm not really what they want, but maybe they can _fix_ me... I should go at that point. I can't be cut to fit into someone's desired shape without despising myself. And I'm hurting them by being a cheap substitute for what they actually want.

[@maahhkusful]

Not being alone is a full time job

[@steven_king]

Gatta love the avoidant peeps...nothing worse. They come at you like “I love you, I love you, I love you...please love me!!!” ...then after you finally overcome all your fears of being hurt...you finally trust them...and then they’re like “ew never mind”...Jesus. Just the worst.

[@MadisonEstes]

​​@@catherinecampion830Your condescending attitude and lack of empathy for this person shows you are not as evolved as you think you are. Also, don't assume just because someone doesn't want to be with an avoidant that they are anxious. Plenty of avoidants are simply undatable, and some are a lot more challenging than secure partners.

[@catcampion]

Yeah, while they condemn one quarter of the population, saying they are, "The worst." Bet that makes all the avoidants watching this feel great, being blamed for another person's problems. They're fucking human beings.

[@ARD7177]

​@@catherinecampion830 you don't sound secure to me.

[@tracymullane8818]

Exactly. Damned if you do damned if you don't. I'm fed up with avoidants. They can be alone all they want.

[@bharathitulasi258]

Exactly

[@lanalev665]

Is anyone else avoidant but find themselves drawn to "social peacocks"? People who command a room, not because they are necessarily looking for attention (although they might be), people who can direct conversations with large groups, more flamboyant types. Anyone else attracted to opposites like that? How have you dealt with it?

[@Portia620]

I would talk to your partner about it or see a therapist to help you on this area. I hired a therapist just navigate dating.

[@Mexico_Catolico]

AVOIDANTS AND DESORGANIZED ALSO MAKE SECURE PEOPLE BECOME ANXIOUS.....IS NOOOT ONLY ANXIOUS PEOPLE THE PROBLEM..... BLESSINGS ❤

[@Hesteforstanddk]

Well after having spent years with an avoidant i know that any expression of any kind of sensation is immediately followed by: If you say that again i will leave you. Why bother to make excuses for and walk on eggshells for the avoidant instead of just leaving. Aviodants will not work on it and would rather be alone. So why not just leave them alone? They will not change since they prefer solitude but with an available person on the side. But not inside their life.

[@Hesteforstanddk]

@@Vicky-lg7oy I have done this on more than one occasion. Back then my fear of never finding.love again, of never be worthy of love so much stronger than my ability to see what I should do. Today i am in a much better place. Yet still I am going too far to fix it before I am ending it. So on my way but.not there yet..I wish I was there.

[@guillaumejarry764]

Yes. They deserve it.

[@joesutherland2017]

For the record, my avoidant GF never left me no matter what happened- I was the one to leave her, and she always wanted me back. I left 3 times in 5.5 years and I can say on good authority that my attachment style was secure, but deteriorating to somewhat anxious in the last year of our relationship. Our couples' therapist was visibly stunned by the amount of patience, observance and care I took in trying to facilitate growth and effective communication over the years, with my ex actually nodding in agreement to my statements on that during our only session, after which I had seen my final red flag by the expression on the therapist's face and I turned a corner. It's been 6 months and I am still somewhat in recovery mode, but steadily moving on. I agree, though, they won't let you inside. It's like dating a cactus...........

[@zenawarrior7442]

Great info thx. Having a partner who can't open up or understand emotions is not for me. Too many complex/convoluted personalities here lol. Older I get less likely I will cater to people who havent done emotional work or aren't willing to grow or apologize. Done. Ps people say they like my emotional intensity & strength...none ever do in reality, just gaslight or leave.

[@wendyrussell4191]

you can not dismiss feelings, only suppress them, both unconscious in the stress of the feeling

[@Kinuhbud]

Some of us are autistic and avoidant behavior seems to just go hand in hand. Me and my ex-anxious attached girlfriend had different ways of expressing our love. She was a big gift giver and receiver. I tried to give her good gifts, but then found most a lot of her gifts to be disappointing. I probably never expressed all my real wants or desires, but I found her to be the worst gift giver in my life. The hand-crafted things meant a lot though. A love letter or two... Time spent on an activity means a lot I think. I find I understand autistic people the best, and they get me as well. It's much easier to communicate with an autistic person vs an allistic person. So maybe like one commenter said: avoidants should be with avoidants... Maybe they can relate enough to help each other grow more fully...

[@Questioneverything72]

In my opinion and personal experience Avoidant attachment style should be classified in personality disorders. And I mean in addition to avoidant personality disorder (cluster c), avoidant attachment style should be added. And I recommend you if dating an avoidant, consider them as having a mental disease. Do not take this problem lightly. You will be in pain. Best advice is to avoid avoidants.

[@guillaumejarry764]

Yes. The problem with therapy is that it neglects morality. It's justified to feel angry when someone doesn't listen to you or disrespects you. (And the takeaway from that is also that YOU should think about the ways you could have been hurtful to someone to, given some objective standard of morality)

[@danika9411]

It is already. It's avoidant personality disorder, it's in cluster A. Btw there is a difference between having an avoidant attachment style or full blown avoidant personality disorder. A lot of people talk about the personality disorder, but say attachment style. It's like talking about anxious attachment as if it is fullblown borderline personality disorder. Not everyone who has anxious attachment will have BPD or behave like someone with BPD. I think because people don't know the Cluster A personality disorders well, they mix things up. Some people who are avoidant just have a tendency to self isolate and need longer to trust and that's it. It's a spectrum. I hope this helps a bit.

[@katieraehiphiphooray]

This only works is some secure relationships. I just got ghosted for asking for more time from a FA:/ who love bombed me and then pulled away.

[@christalhardy8771]

Same happened to me at the end of the year and his reply was " I didn't handle this properly and I shouldn't have gotten caught up that way "

[@legend-pq1qi]

Just went through this a few days ago with my DA ex. I got closure though and we are still friends, which I find easy since we lacked intimacy in the first place, it's not hard to be friends with her. Sometimes, there isn't even the slightest room for communication. It sucks.

[@grabbelton]

This

[@brennam954]

Same girl. They're awful.

[@graleh]

13:20 Pushing someone is what many say you should not do to an avoidant, isnt it? In books, it says "give them time and space". I tried everything with my avoidant ex. Give him space, going to him with emotions etc etc etc. Nothing worked. Thus - an ex. I had it. But I have learned a LOT how to express myself both with words and tone of voice. At work they even told me I sound like a diplomatic politican haha. I will thank my avoidant ex for that. Thank you for the helpful advice at the end how to express myself

[@salonez91]

same here

[@ATK6424]

Avoidants should only be in relationships with other avoidants, so much pain and suffering would be spared.

[@jac1161]

wouldn't work - no enabling would be happening...

[@ConnieJ-cd3qp]

Avoidants repel each other but then criticize the anxious person they're attracted to! AVOID them!