Hidden Agendas: Unravelling Covert Contracts

In today's video, we delve deep into the world of "Covert Contracts"-those silent, unspoken expectations we often unknowingly hold in our relationships. Believe it or not, we all have them. These covert contracts can be ticking time bombs, creating a foundation of miscommunication and unmet expectations. While some might seem harmless, extreme versions can be the very factors that erode trust and intimacy, damaging our relationships profoundly. Join us as we uncover the truths behind these hidden agreements and discuss the importance of recognizing and eliminating them to foster genuine understanding and connection in our relationships. Subscribe and learn how to free your relationships from the shackles of silent expectations.

[@sadasivan6159]

Great video. I was a shy and people pleasing person, I used to expect some things without clearly communicating my needs. Later I realised it was not doing me any good. So I started clearly communicating my needs and wants. But unfortunately people that I have been with cannot handle my transition and started accusing me that I was demanding more. It really made me think how I suddenly became a bad person to them when I started wanting to get the same things from them which they have been getting from me the whole time. Then I stopped to even have expectations on them. Luckily I am not involved anymore with such people.

[@ClayArnall]

Ah yes, it seems that can happen quite easily as you grow and become more healthy. Glad to hear you’re doing better with it now!

[@sadasivan6159]

Thank you😊@@ClayArnall

[@Mr.Phoreskin]

They didn’t deserve you in their lives. Unfortunately, people like us attract narcissistic people and we don’t set clear enough boundaries.

[@melissa.simplystatedcoaching]

I love that you made the connection with the aftermath being manipulation. Never realized it but that is so true. Many relationships I’ve had took a very dark turn into manipulation that I never quite understood. I appreciate this new perspective. A gift is something given without expectation of receiving anything in return. The expectation of receiving something in return is a purchase. In the past there are many “gifts” I wouldn’t have accepted if I would’ve realized the covert contract and understood that it wasn’t truly a gift.

[@Pfsif]

Telling a Narcissist what you like and don't like is giving them ammunition.

[@ClayArnall]

Telling people what you like or don’t like, or what you tolerate or won’t tolerate is having boundaries.

[@Pfsif]

A two edged sword, besides I said telling a narcissist what you like or don't like, not a normal person. @@ClayArnall

[@jessicasmith8473]

I have been watching your videos since I was 17, and am now 23 and the growth and perspective you have provided me with in this time is highly appreciated. I hope you are doing well ☺️

[@solgast]

Congrats on your 100th video, Clay! Great take on this topic. People who search for understanding here will see those strings detached. Continue being and breathing with openness and communication through the paths of life.

[@ClayArnall]

Oh really? I don’t even know that 😂

[@clairebattersby6340]

Thank you Clay! I needed to hear this because I have been stewing and complaining to all the wrong people about the lack of details about a move I agreed to make with one of my part time jobs for weeks. I’ve been waiting for it to hand in my notice to my other job, my landlord and to find another part time job in the new place. However I haven’t directly asked again or voiced my worries about not knowing when or where exactly I’m expected to move in the next couple of months because I thought that would be obvious. I’m going to ask my boss soon and hope she doesn’t reply “well, that’s the question” again.

[@mariagusman6949]

Thanks so much for this video. I spent 3 hours on the phone today with my best friend, who’s INTJ. I wanted to help her more fully, and I think this was the content that was lacking in our call. So I just forwarded her the video. It’s also something I’ll be applying in my own life too. ❤

[@omnikevlar2338]

I remember I used to have a covert contract with God that I had this expectation that God would take care of me later on if I do good now in the church. Wasn't until later that I realized God doesn't work that way if He exists and I either have to do the work or manage my expectations of life better. Also Clay you do such a great job of giving advice about how to be aware of abusive or negative indicators of human behavior to watch out for or stop ourselves from doing. I was wondering can you do a topic on positive traits to develop as a human. Thanks take care!

[@ClayArnall]

I’ll give that topic some thought, thanks!

[@ckoh2078]

Thanks Clay. New to your channel. It inspires

[@colleengloe9121]

Omg this is so right ! I appreciate how you help me think a bit deeper 😊

[@ClayArnall]

Thanks for the comment!

[@avanellehansen4525]

Yes. Giving, expecting something in return is called trading. I just got out 9f an exhausting friendship with an overgiving, overarchieving neighbor friend. She started out bringing me a sandwich, or a plant from her garden. Then taking my trashcans to the curb , bringing meals, miwed my lawn,etc all withoit being asked. She called and texted several times a day and came iver evry day. .. sometimes 3 times a day! I thought i was rude when i asked her to "give me a chance to miss you." She ignored my boundaries. When i finally shut it down , she said "it feels like a slap in the face."

[@MyVlogTherapy]

Great topic 👏🏽

[@gs225109]

Hello Clay, is it possible for you to share the kind of equipment that you used to produce your videos? They’re very well done.

[@deuteronomy3162]

Hey bud my fi told me to listen to you because I'm in desperate need of learning fi as I have neglected it all my life. My functions are te ni se fi sooo you can see how this happens. So my point is I don't know how to look inside. My fi is a holy priest pvp so I just realized that yesterday and she said I need to talk to her and check out your vids cuz you have all that fe. So I literally had to externalities my fi to talk to her. What I want is to check off this planet but this is a school and we aren't allowed to leave till we graduate and I can't graduate without my fi. Any ideas on how to feel someone I literally don't know how to tune into? It's not like it doesn't exist but it's so numb it feels like it.

[@juliemayhwang4469]

they knew it

[@juliemayhwang4469]

- miss baby blue 🧚☺️✨

[@juliemayhwang4469]

I needed law school.

[@simplypositiveme]

😮😮😮

[@juliemayhwang4469]

More Kawaii color may lift you up. 🧸🌸🍄🌸🌸

[@juliemayhwang4469]

The American dream

[@juliemayhwang4469]

Law school

[@juliemayhwang4469]

Your psychosomatic sympoms are back. 😔 you don’t own bath tub. Do you? Bath tub, I did not say “shower.”

[@juliemayhwang4469]

🩵

[@juliemayhwang4469]

srry. ✨🌸🌸🌸🪺